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[intro music]
>> FREDA: Am I in the right place? I was expecting it to be more... burny.
>> PETER: Ah well as a matter of fact you’re in luck there. We've had a bit of an administrative
balls up – you know what it's like, one of the minor saints stamps the wrong document
and eight million pure souls are condemned to an eternity of fire and brimstone. Anyway,
it all means we're down on quota so you can go straight through!
>> FREDA: Really? Into Heaven!
>> PETER: Yes, that’s right, just got a little bit of paperwork for you.
>> FREDA: But according to the Bible I’ve done some pretty unforgivable things...
>> PETER: Nothing is unforgivable. Just sign this.
>> FREDA: Have mercy on me, blah blah blah blot out my offence. It says here 'wash away
my guilt'.
>> PETER: Yes?
>> FREDA: Well I don’t really have any guilt. I'm not signing this.
>> PETER: Could you come through, sir? I've got a difficult one.
[sound of beam]
>> GOD: Alright, what's the problem?
>> PETER: She won't sign.
>> FREDA: Well, why should I? I don’t actually feel guilty about anything I’ve done, in
fact I’m quite proud of some things. Especially all the weeing in swimming pools. I love weeing
in swimming pools. And I don’t feel guilty about being proud either in case you were
wondering.
>> GOD: Well, as long as you tick the box.
>> FREDA: What do you mean?
>> GOD: Just sign on the dotted line and you’ll have repented.
>> FREDA: But I don’t repent, I don’t feel guilty. I regret nothing!
>> GOD: Oh, don’t worry about that – in fact it's technically a sin to worry, so just
sign and be off through the gates.
>> FREDA: But isn’t that just paying lip service? Don't you hate that?
>> GOD: No, no, no, no – it’s fine, honestly! I mean, why do you think everyone learns the
words to all those boring prayers and hymns? Why do you think it’s SO important that
the Lord’s Prayer is said exactly as it's written and the rosary is repeated word for
word, over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over?
>> FREDA: I’ve often wondered—
>> PETER: It’s the words that are important, not the sentiment! It's like in Harry Potter.
Wingardium Leviosa and all that.
>> FREDA: But I can’t sign if I don’t regret! How can I live with myself?
>> GOD: Happily, living with yourself is no longer something that need concern you.
>> FREDA: I’m not repenting, it’s ridiculous.
>> GOD: Well then you’ll have to be punished.
>> FREDA: How?
>> GOD: Oh, you know, burning in the fires of hell, *** application of pitchforks,
forced to listen to dubstep, that sort of thing.
>> FREDA: How is that useful to anyone?
>> GOD: Mmm?
>> FREDA: Why punish me?
>> GOD: For your sins, you see?
>> FREDA: But what’s the point of punishing me?
>> GOD: Well, erm... well so you see the error of your ways.
>> FREDA: But it won’t change my mind, will it?
>> PETER: Oh I don’t know! You'd be amazed how quickly swayed people can be when every
day begins by having their genitals gnawed by tiny demons. Thatcher's already apologised
for the abolition of free milk.
>> FREDA: In other words, I'll just be tortured until my desire to relieve the pain outweighs
my sense of integrity. You won’t actually alter my moral code, will you?
>> GOD: Well, I...
>> FREDA: I mean if you took someone who gets off on violence and made them physically sick
every time they so much as kicked a puppy, it wouldn’t change their opinion about violence
would it? It would just turn them into a pathetic subservient mess.
>> PETER: Yes, but they'd be a lot more likely to get invited to parties.
>> FREDA: So Heaven is full of people so utterly devoid of integrity that at the first whiff
of a face-cage of rats they're willing to sign anything to avoid it?
>> GOD: Well you are rather over simplifying—
>> FREDA: While Hell is crammed full of people who've got the personal integrity to stand
by their beliefs even though they're being hideously tortured for eternity?
>> PETER: Also, if you put your email address on the form you get put into our monthly prize
draw.
>> FREDA: Fine. But I’m not happy about this.
>> GOD: It’s noted.
[sound of gates opening]
>> GOD: Go right through!
>> FREDA: Which way to the nearest swimming pool?
[music]