Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
I
could save us all some time here and just say, "Listen, it's another licensed kids game
from that endless well of evil that is licensed kids games." You see this footage, and you
know exactly what this thing is like. It's that predictable, that generic...that average.
Then again, that wouldn't be any fun.
Besides, if I had to play this godd*mn thing...well, you guys have to hear about it.
It's Danny Phantom: The Ultimate Enemy. Fitting subtitle, for this f*cking thing.
Honestly, I think it's gotten to the point where I'd rather play an objectively awful
game than a game like this. At least awful games can be interesting...even if it's only
for how unthinkable awful they are. But so many of these licensed games...it's not that
they're awful. They're indistinguishable. They're like a bag of really cheap jellybeans.
They may be different colors, but...they all kind of taste the same.
And they stick to your teeth.
So obviously, Danny Phantom: The Ultimate Enemy is a side-scrolling action game. Think
the NES classics like the Turtles games and River City Ransom, only not for the NES and
further from "classic" than Donatello from scoring with April. Seriously, guys, the new
Turtles series is awesome. Can't say the same for this game, though.
It's so forgettable, I had to ask TJ what it was called.
Like, five minutes after we played it.
And he didn't remember, either.
The whole schtick here is that...oh, you can switch between normal Danny and the superhero,
ghost-fighting Danny. And you think, "Hey, that might be cool." No, no it's not. It's
actually pointless. Because the only reason to switch to normal Danny is to recharge your
special power. And since you can just do it before you trigger the enemies...yeah, kind
of a waste of time.
Of course, when the levels are only about a minute long, hey...anything to waste some
time. The first time I saw an end-of-level screen, I thought it was a joke. Or like,
maybe that was a tutorial level or something. Maybe that's why it was so short. Uh, no.
No, it wasn't. Almost all the levels are that long. From 30 seconds to about ninety.
Which is actually kind of merciful, now that I think about it.
The gameplay itself is that of your common garden-variety beat 'em up. Only, like...the
weeds, that you pull out of the garden. You do have those special attacks, which at least
give you something. And Danny can also float and fly through walls and stuff, but...when
your enemies and levels all basically feel the same, not even being invisible can salvage
your interest.
But, like so many of these licensed games...it's not awful. It plays okay, the controls are
just fine...it's not rotten, it's just completely tasteless. It's a safe bet for little kids
who like the show, but that's all it is. If you don't like the characters, there's not
much of a game here to hold your interest.
And seriously, a mauve background? Freaking...fuschia? And green? Seriously, as the background colors?
Like, I mean, it's not even about contrast and color harmony at this point. At this point,
it's just about courtesy. To my...freaking eye holes.
Out of courtesy to you, I'll stop talking about Danny Phantom: The Ultimate Enemy.