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Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
♪ Louie, Louie Louie, Louaaa ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
♪ Louie, Louie
you're gonna cry ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
♪ Louie, Louie Louie, Louaaa ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
♪ Louie, Louie
you're gonna die ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
I'm 41 and I'm single.
Not really single, just alone
But I have two children,
and that's the only thing
I'm comfortable with in life
anymore.
I know how to take
care of a couple of kids.
I don't like French toast.
Oh, sorry,
that's what we're having.
Mommy doesn't make us
French toast.
Uh-huh.
I go to my daughter's school
to volunteer sometimes.
My daughter goes
to a public school,
and I volunteer, not 'cause
I'm a good person
but because you have to,
because nobody works there.
There's just nobody there.
You go in the school,
like thousands of kids.
You go, where is any grown-up
right now?
And I usually
go for lunch and recess.
That's when they really need
grown-ups,
is for lunch,
to volunteer in the cafeteria
because they only--
they have 300 kids eating
and they have one Jamaican lady
watching all of them.
It doesn't matter that she's
Jamaican, but it totally does,
because there's nobody
who can be mean to 300 children
just in the way
that the Jamaican lady--
And it's not her fault,
she's outnumbered.
300 kids to one, Gandhi
would be like, "Shut up !"
So my job as a volunteer
is to stand there,
usually near my
daughter so I can be with her,
and then kids raise their hand,
you need to go and help them.
Usually, they need
help opening a milk,
because they can't
open their milks.
They can't do it!
Because it's 2009,
and we still put milk
in this little paper box.
Put it in a bottle!
I don't know why
we're doing this torture.
We put it in this envelope
that was invented by some Dutch
in 1773.
And they can't do it,
they can't open it.
It's too subtle an idea,
a design for a seven-year-old
to peel back the paper
and then gather it
forward into a spout shape.
And they can't-- the glue
is vicious,
so they have to pick at
the corner and try to get it,
and they end up drinking out of
this finger-filth disease spout.
So they can't do it,
so they raise their hand
and I do it for them.
I'm not better at it.
I just-- I deal with the stress
better than they do.
I don't cry like a little ***
'cause I can't open my milk.
I'm a man.
Hi, Daddy.
Hey, honey.
Just find a seat
near the front, okay?
I'll be on in a minute.
All right, kids.
All right, everyone on
the bus and quiet down, okay?
Hey, Susan.
Hey.
Thanks for helping me today.
No problem.
All right, kids, let's go.
All right.
Hey-- hey,
this is pretty great.
We get to go on a trip, huh?
So where you wanna go?
What?
You wanna go somewhere.
Where do you wanna go?
What is this, a cab?
We're--
The Bronx Botanical Gardens.
We're going to the Bronx
Botanical Gardens.
Okay, how do you get there?
What?
How do we get there?
How do you not know this?
How?
Look, just, sir, go to--
Sir, can you just
go uptown, okay?
Hey, go to the Bronx--
Just take the West Side Highway
and I'll find out.
You better.
We're moving, we're moving,
this is fun!
Yep.
Hello, is this the Bronx--
Is this the Bronx
Botanical Garden?
Hello, yes?
Yeah, hi, I'm sorry, I'm on a
school bus full of children, I--
That's okay.
Can you give me directions
to where you are
from the West Side Highway?
You can't be on
the West Side Highway.
Well, we're on it right now.
Sir, it's illegal to take
a bus on that highway.
But--
Sir, do you know
that it's illegal
to take a bus on this road?
I don't know, man.
You told me to take
the West Side Highway,
so I'm on it.
Are we gonna hit that?
I don't know.
Why don't you go
sit down somewhere?
Oh, ***!
Oh!
It's okay.
What is that?
Oh, man, we got a flat--
I gotta pull over.
Daddy, where are we?
Uh, Harlem.
Hey, so what's--
what's the plan?
I don't know.
Hey, man, what do you have
to do to be a bus driver?
Nothing?
How can you be so
*** irresponsible
when you're transporting
people's children?
Does that-- does that
mean nothing to you?
You almost got everybody hurt.
Do you have--
do you have kids?
What kind of a person are you?
What are you doing?
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
where are you going?
Look, I live
three blocks from here.
I don't need this ***.
You're not seriously leaving?
Look, you're the one that said
get on the West Side Highway.
Remember that,
you redheaded nobody
piece of ***.
Uh, okay, kids,
here's what's going on.
We have a flat tire.
Yeah, yeah, yes.
Yes, that's very funny,
it is, it is.
Okay, here's what
we're gonna do.
John and Lisa, switch seats.
Jeremy and Maria,
you switch seats, too.
And you two switch seats.
Just--
What are you doing?
I'm putting the darker kids in
the window seats, 'cause--
You can't do that, that's
horrible, that's offensive!
I know, right?
Okay, also, Mikey,
you sit--
What is your plan here?
What-- I don't know.
What, are we gonna take 20
kids and walk through Harlem
and look for a subway station?
Yeah, yeah,
that is what we're gonna do.
Okay, new field trip, guys.
All right, listen up,
eyes on me.
We are gonna get off the bus
and we are gonna get
ourselves home, okay?
Aww!
But we're in Harlem.
Yes, we are in Harlem...
Hey, Dimitrio.
Yeah, yeah,
it's Louis C.K.
Do you realize what
you're teaching them?
Uh-huh.
All right, kids,
new field trip.
Everybody gets to go home
in their own limousine.
Get in the car, get in the car.
Go, go, go, go, get in the car.
I think a lot of people
who think they're good people
are living a really evil life
without thinking about it.
And the--
Here's the thing.
The whole premise of my life
is evil.
I'm white, my kids are white,
which means they can't really
screw up too badly,
'cause they'll get,
like, a million chances.
My life is really evil,
like I--
There are people who are
starving in the world,
and I drive an Infiniti.
That's really evil.
There are people who would
just starve to death.
That's all they ever did.
There's people who are
like born,
and they go, "Oh, I'm hungry,"
and then they just die.
And that's all
they ever got to do.
And meanwhile, I'm in my car,
"Boom, boom, pow,"
like having a great time
and I sleep like a baby.
It's totally my fault,
'cause I could trade my Infiniti
for like a really good car,
like a nice Ford Focus
with no miles on it,
and I'd get back like $20,000.
And I could save hundreds of
people from dying of starvation
with that money,
and every day I don't do it.
Every day I make them die
with my car.
It's not fun
to be single at 41.
I was married for ten years.IE
I'm divorced,
I got two children.
It's hard to start again
after a marriage.
It's hard to really,
like, look at somebody and go,
"Hey, maybe something nice
will happen."
You just don't--
I know too much about life
to have any optimism,
because I know
even if it's nice,
it's going to lead to ***.
I know that if you smile at
somebody and they smile back,
you've just decided that
something ***
is going to happen.
You might have
a nice couple of dates,
but then she'll stop calling you
back and that'll feel ***.
Or you'll date for a long time
and then she'll have sex
with one of your friends,
or you will with one of hers,
and that'll be ***.
Or you'll get married,
and it won't work out
and you'll get divorced
and split your friends and money
and that's horrible,
or you'll meet the perfect
person who you love infinitely,
and you even argue well
and you grow together
and you have children,
and then you get old together
and then she's gonna die.
That's the best-case scenario,
is that you're gonna lose
your best friend
and then just
walk home from D'Agostino's
with heavy bags every day
and wait for your turn
to be nothing also.
I'll be
just a minute, sorry!
It's okay.
Thanks!
No problem.
Do you know
where we're going yet?
What?
Do you know
where we're going yet?
Uh...
I don't know, I just--
I thought we'd just wing it.
I had a few ideas.
Hello.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I was just talking to the door.
Well, please keep it
down out here
because I'm not
wearing any clothing
and your yelling is making me
feel vulnerable.
I'm really sorry.
I'm not wearing
any clothing at all.
Do you understand?
Yeah, yeah, I understand
what that means.
Well, if you understand,
please don't be yelling
in the hallway.
Because I'm in here.
This is my home.
I said I'm coming!
Look, you're gonna show me,
so just go ahead and do it.
What?
How dare you?
Pig!
Pig!
Pig!
Pig!
Pig ! Pig!
Pig!
Okay, Jesus!
I'm sorry I needed a minute.
Sorry, it just
got weird out here.
What?
Just--
Look, let's just start
from scratch, okay?
Oh, my God, what
are you wearing?
Where are we going?
I didn't know it was fancy.
Oh, no, no, no.
Uh... just,
my dad died.
Your dad died and you're
coming here from his funeral?
No, no, no, no.
He was a long time ago,
he died.
We have like
reunions for the funeral.
You wanna get going?
Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
Thanks again,
it's really--
You look really nice.
Oh, thanks.
Oh, let me--
All right.
Sorry, come on--
Yeah, I should probably
get around the door.
There we go.
Oh, God, ugh.
Sorry.
You wanna just not go?
I don't wanna make--
Let's just go, please.
Like get out the door.
Okay, can you please
stop smiling
the exact same way
every time I look at you?
No.
Do you have any idea
where we're going yet or--
Yeah, I thought we'd just go
down to the Village
and just walk around.
Okay.
You don't wanna do that?
No, that's fine.
No, we don't have to
do that, I don't care.
It's fine.
Are you sure?
'Cause if there's anywhere
else you wanna go,
I'm totally cool--
I hate the Village, I hate it.
And I feel like you
just made me say that.
Can I just tell you
something, Louie?
Yeah, sure.
I'm, um, a very nice person.
I'm nice and I'm warm,
and I know that I'm not
being that right now,
and it's 'cause I just need
to get some food in me, okay?
You know what?
There is a great place
to eat right--
Like, let's get out here, okay?
Okay, yeah.
All right, awesome, come on.
It's really good food here.
I'm sure it is.
There's nothing else
really around here.
That's kind of why I was saying
we should go to the Village.
Come on.
Where are we going?
Mmm...
Oh, thank God.
Yeah, you feel better?
Totally.
Good.
Okay, we're back.
Awesome.
So you have kids, right?
Yeah, yeah, I have two girls.
Aww.
What?
You have girls, that's cute.
Why, have you
seen them or--
Just tell me about your kids.
Well, the little one,
she's four
and she's pretty crazy.
Aww.
Yeah, so she had
kind of a rough week.
Um, went to the doctor today
it turns out she's got
an infected ***.
Infected ***?
Yeah.
The doctor said that she's got
a pretty angry infection and...
... and it's on
her ***.
Let's try again.
Tell me about your kids.
Well...
They're my girls...
and... I love them.
Jesus, are you
crying right now?
Is that what's happening?
I have to go to the bathroom.
Oh, I do, too.
Oh, there's somebody in there.
Christ, who's in there?
Let's go!
Come on, I gotta take
a big dump out here!
You know what,
the hell with it.
I'm gonna go in the van.
Do you have an anger problem?
No, no, no, no, that wasn't
me, that was another--
That was somebody else here.
And he sounded exactly
like you?
Where is he?
I don't know.
Yeah, anyway, go ahead
and take your big dump.
There you go.
Oh, Jesus.
Look, I--
I'm not very good at dating.
Really?
I think you're doing great.
All right, I get it.
It sucks going out with me.
You know, I've been
married for ten years.
I'm sorry if I'm not the Fonz
all over the place.
I'm a father, all right?
That's what matters to me.
I have two little girls.
Oh!
And I'm raising them, okay?
That's who I am,
I'm a real man.
That's what I do.
What are you?
Who are you?
What's your contribution?
You're cute and you got a flat
stomach and you're young?
It's-- Why am I
trying to impress you?
Why don't you tell me about
your *** life
and try to impress me?
Why aren't you nervous
to be with me?
It's true, everything
that makes you happy
is going to end at some point,
and nothing good ends well.
It's like, if you buy a puppy,
you're bringing it home
to your family's saying,
hey, look, everyone,
we're all gonna cry soon.
Look at what I brought home.
I brought home
us crying in a few years.
Here we go.
Countdown to sorrow
with a puppy.
I remember I had
a dog when I was a kid,
because he had
a tumor on his snout.
And I remember I was home
when the vet called and said,
"Yeah, that's a malignant tumor,
he's gotta go."
And I was like,
"Well, can we fix it ?"
And he goes, "I'd have to
just remove his whole snout
"a then he'll just have this
weird, round, furry head
"that doesn't look like a dog.
"And he can only eat
with a straw,
"but you can't teach a dog
to suck through a straw,
"so he'll just die
of being stupid
"and having a round head.
"So I think you should
just kill him.
That's what I recommend."
And I was like, "Okay, well,
should we make an appointment
for a few weeks from now ?"
And I swear to God,
the guy goes,
"No, just bring him over,
I'm not doing anything,
I'll kill him right now."
Like, just bring him over now,
why wait, I'm not busy.
So I bring the dog to the vet's,
and I remember
I'm holding the dog
and he sticks him full of
a crazy amount of morphine,
or the right amount if you're
trying to kill a dog with it.
My dog dies.
And then I left him there,
'cause--
I mean, it was arranged,
I didn't, like, sneak out
and leave my dog.
We had no money!
So I left--
and I asked the vet--
I made the mistake of
asking t vet,
"What are you
gonna do with my dog ?"
And he said, "He just goes
in a mass grave."
And I was like,
"What's that like ?"
And he goes, "It's just a big
pile of dead dogs."
So...
that night, I remember
it was raining,
and I had this nightmare
that my dog woke up
from the morphine
and found himself
in a pile of dead dogs
and crawled out past
the dead-cat pile,
and then he just walked--
And it was thunder
and lightning,
and just like one
of those miraculous dogs
that you read about in
"Reader's Digest"
and he's made his way home
and he scratched on the door,
and we open the door and there
he is and we go,
"There-- he's here!
Look, he's back !"
And then we realize we
just gotta do it again.
Gotta take him back,
gotta do it again.
Still got a tumor on his snout.
And the dog's like, are you
*** me right now?
Can I spend the night?
Jesus!
So that's why it's hard
to start dating, y'know?
That's why it's...
You still got it.
Daddy, where are we going?
I'm taking you
to your mom's house.
Yay!
Yeah.
Daddy, my shoes
don't fit anymore.
Really?
We just got you those.
I know.
Well, I'll get you some
this week,
or Mom will
get you some this weekend.
Okay.
I'm too tired to walk.
I know, but it's good for you.
Carry me.
Look, if I carry you,
you won't get stronger.
All right, come here.
Okay.
Come on.
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com