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CAROLYN: Your seat belt fastens like this, and unfastens like this. An invaluable lesson
there for any of you who have never been in a car. In the very unlikely event of an emergency
landing, your inflatable safety jacket is under your seat -- and that is precisely where
I recommend it stay, given that the largest body of water between here and Luton is an
open-air swimming pool in Daventry. Finally, please keep your mobile phones switched off
for the duration of the flight. Obviously they have no effect whatsoever on our navigational
equipment or we wouldn't let you have them, but they drive me up the wall. Thank you,
and enjoy your flight.
Cabin Pressure, by John Finnemore, starring Stephanie Cole as Carolyn, Roger Allam as
Douglas, Benedict Cumberbatch as Martin and John Finnemore as Arthur.
This week, Boston.
MARTIN (into radio): Fitton Approach, this is Golf Echo Romeo Tango India. Climbing to
six thousand feet, left turn, direct Luton. FITTON AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL (over radio): Okey-dokey.
Have fun. MARTIN (sternly): Karl.
KARL (sighing): Roger, Golf Tango India. MARTIN: Thank you.
KARL: You're welcome. Don't fly into anything I wouldn't fly into.
(Radio off.) DOUGLAS: Post take-off checks complete.
MARTIN: Thank you, Douglas. Could you balance the fuel, please?
(Silence.) MARTIN: Douglas, the fuel?
DOUGLAS: Sorry, Captain, can't help you. MARTIN (sighing): Simon Says could you balance
the fuel? DOUGLAS: By all means. (Clicking buttons as
he speaks) You know, you can give up any time you like. It's been six trips.
MARTIN: No. I can get you. Besides, I want another go. I know I can do better than last
time. DOUGLAS: What, even better than, "Shall we
play Simon Says, Martin?" "Okay, I'll go first, Douglas." "Tell me when you're ready, Martin."
"I'm ready, Douglas ... Oh!" I don't know, Martin. You've set the bar punishingly high.
(Flight deck door opens.) CAROLYN: Ah, gentlemen.
DOUGLAS: Oh dear. CAROLYN: What?
MARTIN: It's always trouble when we're 'gentlemen'. I prefer it when we're 'imbeciles'.
DOUGLAS: Or 'dolts'. MARTIN: 'Dolts' is good, yes.
CAROLYN: No! This is good news! I have another job for you.
MARTIN: We've already got another job this week.
CAROLYN: Indeed you have. So stand by for another 'nother job. The fine people at Algonquin
Charter Air have -- excellently -- grounded a Gulfstream at Luton, which leaves them with
a whole parcel of cross Americans who aren't in America, but would like to be. And guess
who's making their dream come true? Our very own selves.
MARTIN: We can't do it. CAROLYN: We can do it, we will do it and we
are doing it. Does that answer your question? MARTIN: It wasn't a question, Carolyn; it
was a statement. The Istanbul trip is Thursday night.
CAROLYN: I know. We get back Thursday morning. MARTIN: But we have to have twelve hours'
rest between trips. CAROLYN: I know, because you are lazy, lazy
pilots. So, we get to Boston Wednesday morning, twelve hours' break; fly home Wednesday evening,
arrive Thursday morning, twelve hours' break. Off to Istanbul -- perfect.
MARTIN: But ... I've got my easyJet interview on Wednesday afternoon.
DOUGLAS: Ah well, easyJet, easy go. CAROLYN: You can still do that. I don't care
what you do in your twelve hours. You can sleep, or try to sneak away from my company
like a snivelling rat. It's all the same to me.
MARTIN: Douglas, help me out here. DOUGLAS: Ahhhhh, nice try!
MARTIN: Damn! CAROLYN: Please tell me you're not still playing
Simon Says. DOUGLAS: I'm afraid I can't do that -- for
two reasons.
(Voices of people getting on board the plane.) ARTHUR: Good evening, sir, welcome on board
today. Good evening, madam, welcome also to you today on board. Good evening, sir, welcome
to being on board to you today. Ooh, er, sir? Excuse me?
MR. LEEMAN (American accent): Yeah? What? ARTHUR: Er, may I inform yourself that MJN
does run a fully comprehensive non-smoking service, and as such as a result of this,
all cigarettes, cigars and cigarillos must be extinguished upon embarkation, and retained
in a state of extinguishment until termination of disembarkation. Thank yourself for your
co-operation. MR. LEEMAN: I'm not co-operating.
ARTHUR: No, not yet, but I'm sure you're going to in a minute, and then, thank you!
MR. LEEMAN: Do you know how much I paid to be on this flight today?
ARTHUR: I bet it was loads! MR. LEEMAN: Yeah, good guess. It was loads.
It was so much that it seems to me that, uh ... (he takes a drag on his cigarette) ... I
can pretty much smoke where I like, okay? ARTHUR: But ... it ... it's very dangerous
to smoke on an aeroplane. MR. LEEMAN: No it's not.
ARTHUR: ... I don't know what to say now. MR. LEEMAN: How old are you, sonny?
ARTHUR: Twenty-eight and a half. MR. LEEMAN: Well, I was smoking on airplanes
for twenty years before you were born. Why do you think the No Smoking signs go on and
off? ARTHUR: Actually, ours don't, mostly; although
one of them flickers. And there's one we can't turn on at all because it makes the cabin
smell of fish. MR. LEEMAN: Well, that sure gives me confidence.
So, uh ... (he takes another drag on his cigarette) ... we're all done here, right?
ARTHUR: Yep! MR. LEEMAN: And I can smoke.
ARTHUR: Er ... CAROLYN: Hello. Welcome on board. It's my
pleasure to serve you today. Please do let me know -- or a member of my team know -- if
we can help you at any time; such as, for instance, by extinguishing that cigarette
for you. (Sound of the cigarette being dunked into
liquid.) MR. LEEMAN (angrily): Hey!
CAROLYN: Oh dear! Arthur, get this gentleman a fresh glass of wine, please. This one seems
to be a bit ... (she chuckles) ... cigarette-y. Thank you so very much, and please do enjoy
the rest of your flight.
MARTIN: Douglas, could you give me the fuel check at the last waypoint?
(Silence.) MARTIN: Simon Says give me the fuel check
at the last waypoint. DOUGLAS: Certainly. Ten minutes early and
seven hundred kilos up on flight plan. MARTIN: Nearly got you, though, didn't I?
DOUGLAS: No-o-o. (An alarm begins to beep.)
DOUGLAS: Ah, here we go again. (Turning the alarm off) Let's see what vital part's fallen
off the old girl this time. Ah. MARTIN: What is it?
DOUGLAS: Shall I tell you an interesting thing about this thin metal tube full of petrol
we're flying hundreds of miles above the Atlantic Ocean?
MARTIN: What? DOUGLAS: It's on fire.
MARTIN: Douglas ... DOUGLAS: Master Caution Fire, Captain. Smoke
detector, passenger loo. MARTIN: Ah.
(Intercom on.) MARTIN: Carolyn, we've got a ...
CAROLYN (over intercom): Yes, I know, I know. Keep your goggles on. It's just stroppy Mr.
Leeman in three-B. Hang on.
(Banging on the toilet door.) MR. LEEMAN (from inside): It's taken.
CAROLYN: Sir, please extinguish your cigarette, take the paper cup off the smoke alarm, make
a mental note that that trick never works, and return to your seat.
MR. LEEMAN: Nope.
(Flight deck door opens.) CAROLYN: Martin, give Douglas your hat. ... Do
it. MARTIN: You didn't say Simon Says.
CAROLYN: I am not playing your game! The man in the loo refuses to come out, so give Douglas
your hat. MARTIN: I'm sure, to you, those two sentences
follow another naturally, but I don't quite see the logic ...
CAROLYN (interrupting): I don't need you to see! I need you to give Douglas your hat.
MARTIN: I don't want to give him my hat. DOUGLAS: If it helps, I don't want to take
his hat. CAROLYN: Oh, for goodness' sake. Why don't
people just blindly obey any more? He needs your hat because I want the captain to go
down there and strike terror into his heart. MARTIN: But I'm the captain.
CAROLYN: I am only too painfully aware that you are the captain, Martin, but Douglas actually
looks and sounds like a captain. You're not going to strike terror into anyone's heart
-- unless you chat them up in a bar. MARTIN: Right. Well, let's just see about
that, shall we?
(In the cabin.) MARTIN: Mr. Leeman.
MR. LEEMAN: Yyyyep. MARTIN: I notice you're no longer in the toilet
cubicle, sir. MR. LEEMAN: I bet the guys call you Captain
Hawkeye. MARTIN: Are you aware that, ten minutes ago,
I was on the point of aborting the flight? MR. LEEMAN: Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were
you. Looks wet down there. MARTIN: ... because, sir, I was under the
impression that the aircraft was on fire. MR. LEEMAN: No. It was just me ... (he takes
a drag on his cigarette) ... smmmokin'. MARTIN: Yes, I know.
MR. LEEMAN: Right. So you weren't on the point of aborting anything, now were you?
MARTIN: Sir, as the commander of this vessel, I must demand ...
MR. LEEMAN (interrupting): Okay, that's about enough. What are you gonna do, Commander?
Have me arrested? No. An' I'll tell you why not. Because your tinpot little one-airplane
outfit needs me and my business about a zillion times more than I need you. You think you
can scare me by marching down here in your Fisher Price When-I-Grow-Up-I-Wanna-Be-A-Pilot
costume? Give me a break! You're not the commander of anything! You're a little guy who can't
get a game with the big boys and wears a uniform like a rear admiral's to make up for the fact
that he's basically just a flying cabbie. Am I right?
MARTIN: No! No, you're not right! You're ... (plaintively) ... a very rude man. You can't speak to me
like that. I'm the captain! MR. LEEMAN (in a mock sympathetic voice):
Okay, Captain, you run along now and, er ... (he takes another drag) ... try not to cry into
any important equipment. MARTIN (tearfully): I'm not crying. Your smoke
got in my eyes.
(Flight deck door opens.) DOUGLAS: How did it go?
MARTIN: Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Arthur ...
DOUGLAS: Well, anything you say five times is obviously true.
ARTHUR: Yes, Skipper? MARTIN: Right, right. Arthur, did you see
me inform Mr. Leeman about our non-smoking policy?
ARTHUR: Er, well, I was ... I wasn't really looking. I mean, I certainly didn't notice
if he made you cry. Or not. I mean, he probably didn't.
MARTIN: I was not crying. His smoke got in my eyes.
DOUGLAS (singing): ♪ Smoke gets in your eyes. ♪
MARTIN: Shut up, Douglas! Now, Arthur, we've already had one fire scare on this trip. We
can't afford to take chances, and since we know that Mr. Leeman has been fully informed
of the policy and therefore certainly won't be smoking in the loo again ...
ARTHUR: Actually, I think he might. MARTIN: No, Arthur, he won't.
ARTHUR: Hmm. The thing is, though, Skip, with all due respect, but what I've got that you
haven't is that Mum sent me on a course on understanding people in Ipswich.
MARTIN (slowly): And if I ever want the people of Ipswich understood, you'll be the first
person I call. Meanwhile ... ARTHUR: Yeah, yeah, but it means I can now
read people -- you know, like a book. DOUGLAS: Have you ever read a book, Arthur?
ARTHUR: Yes, actually! White Fang. Twice. Anyway, bringing my people-reading skills
to the table, I'm able to reveal to you now that Mr. Leeman didn't show any of the five
indicators of true resolve to change his behaviour patterns, and therefore, in a nutshell, I
reckon he might smoke in the loo again. MARTIN: Listen carefully, Arthur. He definitely
won't, and therefore, if the smoke alarm does go off again, it can only be a real fire;
and so I'm authorising you, in that unlikely event, not to waste time knocking -- just
to over-ride the door lock and immediately discharge the fire extinguisher into any flame
you see. ARTHUR: Ah! Any flame I see.
MARTIN: That's right, even if it's just a little tiny glowy one.
ARTHUR: Aye-aye, Skipper!
(Mr. Leeman sighs as he stands up.) ARTHUR (quietly into intercom): Okay, he's
up. (Mr. Leeman hums to himself.)
ARTHUR: He's on the move. (The toilet door squeaks as it opens and closes.)
ARTHUR: Okay, he's in. MARTIN (over intercom): Okay, Arthur, stand
by. ARTHUR (excitedly): Okay!
MARTIN: Stand by. (The Master Caution alarm begins to beep.)
MARTIN (over-dramatically): Oh, no! Emergency! Emergency! The plane is on fire! Arthur, for
the love of God, save us all! ARTHUR (excitedly): Yes, Skipper!
(He wrenches the door open.) MR. LEEMAN: Hey! What the hell ...
ARTHUR: Fire! MR. LEEMAN: What are you ...
(He screams as Arthur fires the extinguisher at him for a couple of seconds.)
MR. LEEMAN (as the extinguisher stops): Oh. Oh God. I ... oh, my chest. Oh. Argh!
(He crashes to the floor.) ARTHUR (plaintively): ... Fire's out.
(Bing-***.) MARTIN (over cabin address): Good evening.
This is Captain Crieff speaking. I'm sorry to have to tell you a passenger has been taken
ill. So if there is anyone with medical training on board, could they please come to the flight
deck door? Thank you. (Cabin address off. Flight deck door opens.)
DOUGLAS: Okay, we've moved him to the galley. MARTIN: How's he looking?
DOUGLAS: Well, he's covered in foam and he's had a heart attack. Otherwise great.
MARTIN: I-I was just thinking ... maybe we ought to turn the plane round.
DOUGLAS: Well, yes, of course, we should. Haven't you done it yet?
MARTIN: ... Oh, right, right. Because, on the other hand, obviously Carolyn's not going
to like it much. DOUGLAS (sternly): Martin, that's irrelevant.
It's a serious medical emergency. You ditch into the nearest airfield, and we're -- what
-- twenty minutes off midway, so forty minutes closer to home. There's no question we have
to turn round It's the decision I imagine you have come to, Captain.
MARTIN: Yes, it is. Exactly. (Radio on.)
MARTIN: Shanwick, this is Golf Echo Romeo Tango India. We have a serious passenger medical
emergency and wish to return as soon as possible. SHANWICK AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL (female Irish
voice): Roger, Golf Tango India. Stand by; I'll co-ordinate.
MARTIN: Okay. (Radio off.)
MARTIN: Carolyn'll understand, won't she? I mean, a life's at stake. I'm sure I saw
a doctor on the load sheet. (He picks up a sheet of paper.) Here we are: seven-A, Doctor
Thomas Price. Where is he? DOUGLAS: Lying low, I should think.
MARTIN: What? Why? DOUGLAS: Too scared of being sued.
MARTIN: You're joking. DOUGLAS: No. Especially going to America.
If he tries to treat him and anything goes wrong, he's looking at a huge malpractice
suit. MARTIN: But surely no-one will sue someone
for trying to save their life. DOUGLAS: Let's face it: if anyone would, Mr.
Leeman would. MARTIN: Go and have a quick look at him for
me, would you? (Silence. Martin sighs.)
MARTIN: Simon Says go and have a quick look at him for me, would you?
DOUGLAS: Then Simon shall be obeyed. (He leaves the flight deck.)
SHANWICK AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL (over radio): Golf Tango India, very little traffic on your
track this evening. Maintain three-three-zero, turn right to Reykjavik and when in range,
contact Iceland one-one-eight decimal zero-five. MARTIN: Oh. Reykjavik? Really? I was thinking
we could just go back home. SHANWICK: Well, Reykjavik's much closer. I
thought you said it was a medical emergency? MARTIN: Okay, right, yeah. Roger.
(Radio off. Bing-***.) MARTIN (over cabin address): Ladies and gentlemen,
Captain Crieff here again. I'm sure you'll understand that, as we have a passenger on
board in need of urgent medical attention, we will have to make an unscheduled stop today
in ... um ... in Reykjavik. I do apologise for the inconvenience; and once again, if
there is a person with medical training on board, please do make yourself known to us.
Thank you. (Cabin address off. The flight door bursts
open.) CAROLYN: Reykjavik?!
MARTIN: Carolyn. Hello. CAROLYN: Reykjavik! Reykjavik! Reykjavik!
MARTIN: Carolyn, you sound like you're coughing up a hairball.
CAROLYN: Why in the wide world are we going to Reykjavik?
MARTIN: Because -- and I know on a busy flight you may have missed this -- your son hosed
a passenger down with a fire extinguisher and gave him a heart attack! So I thought
it might be a touching gesture if we tried to get him to a hospital.
CAROLYN: And what's wrong with the hospitals in Boston?
MARTIN: Nothing's wrong with them! They're terribly good, but they're fifteen hundred
miles away. CAROLYN: But do you have any idea what it'll
cost to land in Iceland, and find everyone accommodation and re-route tomorrow and miss
Istanbul? MARTIN: A man may be dying back there!
CAROLYN: A horrible man. MARTIN: Carolyn, just because a passenger
is rude to you doesn't mean they deserve to die.
CAROLYN: Okay. Martin, listen. We are almost halfway. Boston can't be more than, what,
just forty minutes further? And, putting aside the thousands and thousands of pounds it will
cost, look at it from his point of view: he lives in Boston. If we carry on, he goes to
hospital in his home town. His family and his friends are right there ...
MARTIN: Friends? CAROLYN: He's rich. He'll have friends. If
he goes to some hospital in Iceland, he'll be alone in a foreign land; his family will
have to fly over to be with him; maybe they'll be too late -- all for the sake of forty minutes.
(Pause, then radio on.) MARTIN: Shanwick, this is Golf Tango India.
We wish to cancel our emergency. We'd like to continue to Boston.
SHANWICK: Oh. All better now, is he? That's nice(!) Roger, Golf Tango India. Route direct
to fifty-one north, thirty west and resume your previously clear track.
CAROLYN: Good command decision, Captain. See you later.
(Flight deck door closes. Bing-***.) MARTIN (over cabin address): Sorry to disturb
you again, ladies and gentlemen. Just to let you know that we will, after all, be continuing
our journey to Boston; and I repeat ... (sternly) ... if there's a doctor on board and they
retain even a hazy memory of their Hippocratic Oath, it would be really super to see them
in the galley! Thank you! (Cabin address off. Flight deck door opens.)
DOUGLAS: What are you doing, Martin? MARTIN: I'm trying to flush out Doctor Price.
DOUGLAS: No -- why are you turning back to Boston?
MARTIN: Oh, well ... I was just thinking it over and I realised it's actually almost as
quick to ... DOUGLAS (interrupting): Carolyn got to you,
didn't she? MARTIN: What? No! She didn't get to me! She
just happened to make couple of valid points ...
DOUGLAS (interrupting sternly): Martin, turn the plane round.
MARTIN: No! I've made a command decision and ...
DOUGLAS (interrupting): It's the wrong decision. Boston's an extra forty minutes away.
MARTIN: Yes! Well, forty minutes -- that's not all that ...
DOUGLAS (interrupting): If he dies thirty minutes out of Boston just as he would be
getting into the ambulance in Reykjavik, what are you going to tell his family?
(Long pause, then radio on.) MARTIN: Hello, Shanwick. It's Golf Tango India
here again. SHANWICK: Ah, if it isn't the bouncing bomb.
Where can we tempt you with this time? Tenerife's very nice this time of year.
MARTIN: Reykjavik will be fine, thank you. SHANWICK: Are you sure now? I mean, don't
rush into anything, because I've literally nothing better to do with my time than ping
you around the Atlantic Ocean all the live-long day.
(Radio off. Bing-***.) MARTIN (into cabin address): Ladies and gentlemen,
this is Captain Crieff once again. Just to let you know that I mis-spoke a little just
now. We will in fact be diverting to Reykjavik Airport as planned.
(Cries of protest from the cabin.) MARTIN: Oh, I know: trying to save someone's
life is such a chore, isn't it? Speaking of which: if there is, in fact -- and despite
the deafening silence so far -- a doctor on board, and if that doctor has quite finished
his ... (he consults a sheet of paper) ... chicken casserole, blueberry cheesecake and, ooh!
coffee with milk, no sugar, then maybe such a hypothetical doctor might like to stop flicking
through the duty free catalogue and thoughtfully pulling on his sandy moustache and walk the
hypothetical seven rows to join me with the patient here in the galley. But if there isn't
a doctor on board, then never mind. (Cabin address off.)
(Sound of the galley curtain being pulled open.)
DOCTOR PRICE (American accent): Hullo? MARTIN: Oh, hello! Mr. Price, is it?
DOCTOR PRICE: Doctor Price. MARTIN (sarcastically): Oh, a doctor! Good
lord! What a stroke of luck! The very thing we're looking for. Well, this is the patient.
DOCTOR PRICE: Okay, let's have a look. Okay. Uh-huh.
MARTIN: What d'you think? DOCTOR PRICE: I think probably a bridge.
MARTIN: A bridge? DOCTOR PRICE: Yeah, a tunnel's obviously out
of the question, but if you really need to get past him, you could use a couple of drinks
trolleys and a stretcher to rig up a rudimentary cantilever bridge. That at least is my professional
opinion as a PhD in civil engineering. Or has one of us made some sort of really embarrassing
mistake? MARTIN: I'm ... so sorry. I ... didn't ...
DOCTOR PRICE: Yeah. Oh, and by the way, I dunno anything about medicine, but this guy
doesn't need a doctor. MARTIN: What?
DOCTOR PRICE: Not any more!
CAROLYN: Turn the plane around. MARTIN: You're not listening to me.
CAROLYN: No, and far more importantly, you're not turning the plane around. Do it, now.
MARTIN: I can't turn the plane around. CAROLYN: Martin, if there is one thing you've
proved on this trip over and over again, it's that you can turn the plane around. Or were
we just caught in a slow-motion hurricane? MARTIN: But Mr. Leeman ...
CAROLYN: ... is dead, God rest his grumpy soul. So he doesn't need an ambulance; he
doesn't need a hospital. All he needs is to be taken home to Boston.
MARTIN: Douglas ... DOUGLAS: You could tell her we no longer have
enough fuel left to get to Boston safely. MARTIN: Yes, thank you! Carolyn ...
DOUGLAS: ... but we do. MARTIN: Thank you so much.
DOUGLAS: Sorry, but she's right. We should go to Boston.
CAROLYN (triumphantly): Ah-ha! MARTIN: Fine. Fine! We'll go to Boston, but
only if ... CAROLYN: Yes?
MARTIN: ... Douglas talks to Shanwick. CAROLYN: Douglas?
DOUGLAS: My pleasure. (Radio on.)
DOUGLAS (smoothly): Hallo, Shanwick. Greetings once again from the merry men of Yo-yo Airways.
ARTHUR: Well, goodbye, then. I feel someone should, um, say a few words. (He unfolds a
piece of paper.) Hamilton R Leeman. Born 1943 in ... America, probably; died 2008 in the
sky -- definitely. Non-vegetarian option. I didn't know you for very long, Mr. Leeman,
but I'll always remember you as ... as a shouty man. You loved to shout; shout and smoke -- those
were your twin passions. And so, i-in a way, I suppose you died doing what you loved: shouting
and smoking, and covered in foam. I don't know if you liked that. You probably didn't.
Still, goodbye! Rest in peace! (Pause.)
ARTHUR: Thank you for flying MJN Air!
MARTIN: D'you think we'll make it in time? DOUGLAS: Remember how I didn't know three
minutes ago? (Martin sighs.)
DOUGLAS: No new information has come in since then.
MARTIN: Right. (He sighs again.)
DOUGLAS: You all right? MARTIN: Yeah -- it's just ... you know, it
hasn't been a great trip, has it? I think possibly I made a few ... well, I didn't exactly
... I've got this interview when we get back -- if we get back in time, which I doubt -- and
I just wondered if, as a captain, there's ... things ...
(He sighs again.) MARTIN: I mean, I only ask because, of course,
you were a captain for a while, and I just wondered if ... I mean, this is a bit difficult,
but ... could you give me some advice? DOUGLAS: Well, the main thing is, you've got
to stop asking for advice. MARTIN: Great. Thanks.
DOUGLAS: That's okay. You can start as soon as I've given you mine. You're the captain,
Martin, and one of the many excellent things about being captain, along with the irresistible
*** magnetism and first crack at the cheese tray, is that you're always right. So by all
means take opinions, but remember: you don't have to listen to Carolyn; you don't have
to listen to ATC; you don't even -- and savour this, because I shall never say it again -- you
don't even have to listen to me. You're the boss. What you say, goes.
MARTIN: Yes. Yes, you're right. Okay. Thank you. But, er, Douglas?
DOUGLAS: What? MARTIN: Simon Says could you give me some
advice. DOUGLAS: Ohhhhhh! Well done!
MARTIN (triumphantly): My turn! My turn! DOUGLAS: All right. Tell me when you're ready.
(Silence.) DOUGLAS: Simon Says tell me when you're ready.
MARTIN: I'm ready! DOUGLAS: Come again?
MARTIN: I'm ready... Oh!
(Sounds of passengers leaving the plane.) ARTHUR: Goodbye, thank you for flying MJN
Air. Goodbye, thank you for flying MJN Air. Goodbye, thank you for flying MJN Air. Goodbye,
tha... Oh, that's it. All done, Mum! DOUGLAS: And we're all finished at the pointy
end with a cheeky little twelve minutes in hand before we go out of hours.
CAROLYN: Great. Well, the paramedics are back there in the galley with Mr. L., so as soon
as they're ready ... (The galley curtain is drawn open.)
CAROLYN: Oh! Speak of the devils ... well, the angels.
PARAMEDIC (American, female): Are you Carolyn Knapp-Shappey?
CAROLYN: Yes. PARAMEDIC: Did you call up an ambulance crew,
ma'am? CAROLYN: Yes, I did.
PARAMEDIC: And why did you do that? CAROLYN: Why? Well, because I ... well, I
mean ... Look at him! PARAMEDIC: We are looking at him, and we'd
like to know what you expect us to do with him.
CAROLYN: I have to tell you: I really don't mind. Once he's off my plane, as far as I'm
concerned, you can let your imagination run wild.
PARAMEDIC: Ma'am, he's dead. He's been dead some time. We are an emergency service. This
guy -- not so much an emergency. CAROLYN: Well, what am I supposed to do? Carry
him to the hospital over my shoulder? PARAMEDIC: Ma'am, you need to contact the
coroner's office. They'll send out a vehicle. CAROLYN: When?
PARAMEDIC: I don't know. When they can. You just give them a call tomorrow morning -- see
when they can do. CAROLYN: Tomorrow morning?
PARAMEDIC: Yeah. They'll be all closed up now.
CAROLYN: So what are we supposed to do? Just leave him here until they're ready for him?
PARAMEDIC: Absolutely not. CAROLYN: Good!
PARAMEDIC: You're gonna need to remain in attendance.
CAROLYN: What?! But we-we-we can't! We can't! MARTIN: Just one moment, if you please.
CAROLYN: Martin, don't. PARAMEDIC: Sir?
MARTIN: Madam, I don't think you appreciate that I am the captain of this aircraft, not
her. PARAMEDIC: Yeah? And?
MARTIN: And ... and ... I just saw him move. PARAMEDIC: No you didn't.
MARTIN: I absolutely did. PARAMEDIC: This man's been dead for some time,
sir. MARTIN: I don't think so. I am telling you:
I just saw him move. PARAMEDIC: What movement did he make?
MARTIN: He did a little wave. PARAMEDIC: I don't think so.
MARTIN: Well, I do think so, and I am an airline captain -- the commander of this vessel, and
I am willing to swear anywhere that he absolutely did. He gave me a little wave, and then he
pointed at you, and then he tapped his watch as if to say, 'Why aren't I in the hospital
already?' And then he relapsed into his unconscious state; so it seems to me you can either refuse
to take him and I can while away the hours I spend waiting with him filing a complaint
against you for negligence, which will tie us all up in endless red tape until I eventually
agree that maybe what I saw was just rigor mortis; or you can take him with you now in
your big empty ambulance to the hospital to which you are going anyway, and we can all
hope and pray he doesn't die on the way. (Long pause.)
PARAMEDIC: Okay; Lucas -- patient seen exhibiting vital signs. Get him on the gurney!
MARTIN: Thank you so much.
(Airport departures area.) CAROLYN: Where is he?
DOUGLAS: Well, if last night's anything to go by, he's telling the whole story to every
third person he meets. It slows him down a tad.
ARTHUR: While we're waiting, can I just have a quick look in duty free?
CAROLYN: No, Arthur. You do not need any more Toblerones.
ARTHUR: But Mum! They've got the white ones! MARTIN (approaching the others): Ah-ha! There
you all are. Good morning, good morning, good morning, good morning!
DOUGLAS: Good morning, Martin. Still feeling pretty chipper, I see.
MARTIN: And why ever not? Twelve hours' restful rest, beautiful blue sky to fly in and a certain
sense of a job rather well done. CAROLYN: Yes, Martin, we're all delighted
by your new-found butchness. Now can we please just get through Customs and go home?
SECURITY GUARD (male, deep American voice): Is this your bag, sir?
MARTIN: Yes, yes. I'm sorry, Carolyn, do I detect a note of tetchiness? Surely you haven't
already forgotten how I single-handedly saved you from losing out on a trip worth tens of
thousands of pounds? SECURITY GUARD: I'm just gonna take a look
through it. MARTIN: Yeah, fine.
(The guard unzips Martin's bag and starts rummaging through the contents.)
CAROLYN: Not yet you haven't. We've still got to get back on time.
MARTIN: You needn't worry about that, Carolyn. Clear skies, no wind, no pesky passengers
to peg out midway. Istanbul awaits us; as indeed do the good people of easyJet -- await
me, anyway. SECURITY GUARD: What's this?
MARTIN: What? SECURITY GUARD: What's ... (he switches on
something that buzzes) ... this? MARTIN: Well, since you ask, it's a nose hair
clipper, okay? SECURITY GUARD: It can't go in your hand luggage.
You need to put it in the hold. MARTIN (scoffing): They're nasal clippers.
What am I supposed to do with nasal clippers?! SECURITY GUARD: I'm sorry, sir, that's Federal
law. (Martin laughs in disbelief.)
MARTIN: You do realise we have an axe on the flight deck, don't you?
SECURITY GUARD: What? DOUGLAS: Of course, Captain, there is a time
and a place for the strong-arm tactic. MARTIN (loudly): We have a fire-axe; so you're
stopping me from equipping myself with the deadly power of the nose hair strimmer on
board a plane where I can -- should the mood take me -- brandish an axe.
SECURITY GUARD: I am not sure what you're telling me, sir.
DOUGLAS: He's not telling you anything. He doesn't want his silly old clippers, anyway.
Repulsive object. Come on, Martin, before you say anything you might ...
MARTIN (getting up a head of steam): And besides that, I'm the one flying the bloody thing!
If I wanna crash the plane, I don't even need an axe -- I just need to push on the big metal
column in front of me! (He cries out as he is tackled by the guard.)
DOUGLAS: And there it is. SECURITY GUARD: Sir, I am arresting you under
section six of the Anti-Terrorism Act of 2002. MARTIN: What?!
SECURITY GUARD: You were heard in the presence of witnesses to make a threat against the
safety of the aircraft. (Martin grunts in pain.)
SECURITY GUARD: Please come with me ... (Martin cries out in pain.)
SECURITY GUARD: ... sir! CAROLYN: You idiot, Martin! You colossal idiot!
MARTIN: But ... (he struggles against the guard's hold) ... but I've gotta fly the plane
in forty minutes! SECURITY GUARD: Oh no, sir, I don't think
so. Come with me ... (He starts to bundle Martin away.)
SECURITY GUARD: ... please! CAROLYN (chasing after them): Oh, come back!
Come back! Bring him back! DOUGLAS: So, Arthur. Shall we take a look
at those Toblerones?