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narrator: Tonight...
commentator: ( grunting )
Get out !
Watch it !
narrator: ... 20 coldhearted
criminals...
commentator: Over here, look !
Ice creams !
Look at all the ice creams.
woman: At least steal something
good, like beer.
narrator: ... armed with
cutting-edge technology.
man: Anyone can buy a sword,
not anyone can use one, though.
narrator: Operating at the top
of their game.
commentator: Ooh !
man: Dude, where'd you go
to burglar school ?
narrator: Outlaws so dumb,
you'll be shocked.
( commentator groaning )
Featuring surprising confessions
from our celebrity cast.
Leif: Okay, whatever,
I was just a little hammered.
I was a little drunk,
what do you want ?
narrator: Plus, special
commentary from Jimmy McMillan.
Jimmy: The rent
is too damn high.
It's truTV Presents...
commentator: Thank you
very much !
narrator: "World's Dumbest
Criminals."
And it all starts...
Closed Captions Provided by truTV
This betting shop in England
attracts all sorts
of risk takers.
commentator: Hey,
this is a robbery !
Put your hands up !
All right.
Give me the money there, quick !
That money right there,
slip it under the window !
All right.
Quick, do it !
Don't do anything stupid !
narrator: The gunman is unaware
the shop is a favorite haunt of
judo brown belt
Martin Richardson.
Mike: You should really have
a checklist before you commit
a robbery.
Gun.
Check.
Escape plan.
Check.
Giant judo master isn't there.
Check.
commentator: I'm going to leave
now, okay ?
Don't do anything stupid.
Hmm...
No heroes here today, okay,
nobody be a hero.
Hey, who are you ?
Who are you ?
man: Is that guy
still gambling ?
Yeah, man, you keep pulling that
slot-machine lever.
This might be the one.
You don't know.
commentator: Hey, who are you ?
Who, me ?
Let's just say I'm the end of
the road, mate.
What are you--
Hey, what are you ?
Don't--
Wait, wait--
Stop it !
Get down on the ground !
Somebody help me.
Nick: Nothing's more dangerous
than a guy with a third-degree
belt in judo
who had a bad day at the tables.
commentator: I have a gun !
And I have a chair !
You crazy ?
Put that chair down !
Get on the ground.
Ted: That guy looks like he's
hit people with chairs
for a lot less.
commentator: Stop it !
Hey !
Tonya: What was the guy
thinking ?
Pencil *** and Sausage Man.
commentator: Wait--
What are you doing ?
Don't come into my place of
gambling again !
Pipe down, you wimp.
narrator: Aziz Suleman is
arrested and sentenced
to six years in prison.
commentator: What are you
doing ?
narrator: Richardson is awarded
$400 for his bravery.
Loni: Thank you, Milk Dud,
you did a great service.
You keep on.
commentator: What are
you doing ?
I'm beating your ***,
that's what I'm doing.
Stop, please.
( coughing )
narrator: In Clackamas County,
Oregon, a carjacker struggles
to stay one step ahead
of a police dog.
commentator: Okay.
Back, dog, back !
Billy: When I picture
Clackamas County in my mind,
this is exactly what I see.
commentator: ( gurgling )
Leif: There was a current.
Why not just jump in... float ?
Loni: Marco !
man: Polo !
Loni: Marco !
man: Polo !
commentator: I can't swim !
Chelsea: Use more arms !
Flail your arms !
You might be able to get away
if you do that.
Flail !
commentator: Okay.
All right, okay.
Okay, dog, okay, dog.
Okay.
Yep.
Oh !
Ah...
Oh...
man: Never pull a gun on a cop.
That's a Taserable offense.
commentator: Oh...
Mike: I don't know about
the science of the Taser,
but I'm guessing if you're
soaking wet with ice-cold water,
it feels worse, somehow.
commentator: Bad.
That was bad.
narrator: Cops arrest
the wet bandit and discover
the gun is a toy.
Kevin: Oh, good move.
'Cause there's no joke cops
appreciate more than having
a fake gun pulled on them.
Todd: It's a fake gun !
( bleep )
commentator: Oh,
that was my bad.
My mistake.
narrator: Donald Evager is
charged with unauthorized use of
a vehicle and fleeing police.
woman: Look at that mug shot.
He can't even look us
in the eye.
For shame, Donald.
For shame.
man: Haleigh, the woman who
lives in that house
is the woman who done
took your car.
She repoed it.
So I want you to go up there and
pour gasoline all over her car.
woman: Okay.
man: All right ?
Now, what I want you to do is
set her car on fire.
woman: Let's do it.
man: You can't have no car,
she can't have no car.
Now, get to it.
Go !
Set the car on fire, Haleigh !
Set it on fire !
commentator: Okay, just--
Brad: It's so nice to see
fathers and daughters
doing things together.
commentator: Put this--
Okay.
All right, here we go.
( lighter clicking )
Wait.
Come on, just light.
Come on.
What ?
Oh, God.
Mike: Gasoline, not as easy to
light on fire as you think.
commentator: All right,
here we go.
Ahh !
Oh, oh !
Oh, my God !
I'm on fire !
Mike: But once it goes,
it's gonna go.
commentator: Ahh !
Oh, my God !
I'm on fire !
Daddy, help !
Help, help, help !
Chelsea: That's kind of like
the old saying.
Revenge is a dish
best served on fire.
( buzzer ringing )
Oh, no, that's bananas flambé.
I got confused.
commentator: Ahh, ahh !
Oh, my God !
Help !
Put it out !
Danny: She looks like an air-
traffic controller on ***.
woman: Aw, my hands
are on fire !
Does it look cool, though ?
man: Run, Haleigh !
You're on fire !
Put out your fire !
commentator: It burns !
It burns !
Ahh !
Judy: Stop, drop and roll.
And I don't mean a joint.
narrator: Haleigh suffers
first- and second-degree burns.
When confronted with the home-
security camera footage,
Haleigh confesses to the crime.
She and her dad are charged with
first-degree criminal mischief.
Kevin: At least these two will
still get to see each other
at the annual prison
Father-Daughter dance.
commentator: Ahh !
Oh, my God !
What a bad idea !
narrator: Coming up...
Kevin: Pull up your pants and
steal a Bob's Big Boy statue
like a man !
narrator: And, purse snatchers
with a really dumb escape plan.
commentator: Okay, wait,
do it !
Let's be reasonable !
Tonya: Yeah.
Now this is how you get
the ( bleep ) done.
narrator: When "World's Dumbest
Criminals" continues.
narrator: A model home at
a Florida development
is about to be the target
of a break-in.
commentator: Come on, man.
Kevin: You went up to a model
home where nobody lives--
You can do away
with the subtlety now.
( commentator groaning )
man: That's
kicking the door open ?
Huh ?
You turn around and you hit it
with your heel ?
Kick the ( bleep ) door open,
like this.
commentator: Move, man.
All right, yeah, good, good.
Nick: How'd you do that ?
commentator: Let's go.
Nick: With a size-19 shoe,
***.
commentator: Yes.
Push it, man, push it.
Hang on, hang on.
All right, push it, push it.
I'm pushing, man.
Turn, turn, yeah, yeah,
there you go.
Billy: For this kind of a crime
when you're trying to steal
major appliances,
it's a good idea to hire movers.
commentator: Hang on, hang on,
my hand, man.
Shimmy, man, shimmy it.
Nick: Anybody knows, if you're
gonna steal a refrigerator,
you have to butter
the doorjambs.
commentator: On the other side.
Pull it through,
pull it through, man.
Tonya: Hello, turn it over !
commentator: That's it, lift it
up, lift it up, lift it up !
Loni: It don't fit
through the door.
Go and get something easier.
commentator: Forget it, forget
it, let's get something else.
All right, all right.
What do they got ?
Let's see, let's see, let's see.
Look around, man.
What else ?
A sink ?
What else ?
Come on, let's get something
small, man.
What about this here ?
Yeah.
Yeah, there we go.
Now you talking.
Yeah, that's it.
Yeah, teamwork, man.
There we go.
Yeah, baby.
Yeah.
Danny: Was stealing a microwave
just too convenient for them ?
commentator: Nice.
See, that's it.
Ted: Okay, we've just stolen a
cumbersome household appliance,
now we need to steal a truck.
Can you imagine these guys using
the word "cumbersome" ?
narrator: Police are still
looking for the thieves.
( rooster crowing )
As for potential buyers...
man: This is nice.
woman: This home
is priced to move.
man: A lot of space in here.
woman: We have hardwood floors
in the kitchen.
man: We'd probably move
the fridge.
I don't think we'd leave it
on its side right here
where you come in.
I'm a traditionalist,
so is the wife.
( phone ringing )
Kevin: Okay, ma'am,
so would you like us to send you
the sergeant of electricity ?
( dial tone )
( phone ringing )
Jaime: When the police know
your full name, you're probably
doing something wrong.
Leif: I know I call 9-1-1
every time I get a little drunk.
Brad: Yeah, join the club,
sister.
man: Yeah, we'll send
Officer Smith over there to
( bleep ) bone you, okay ?
He'll be there in about
20 minutes, roger that.
woman: Let's do it.
Sounds hot.
Bring handcuffs !
woman: She married the officer
who showed up to arrest her.
Oh, she didn't ?
He-- he arrested her instead ?
narrator: Audrey Scott is
arrested and spends
three days in jail for abuse of
the emergency call system.
It's 2:00 a.m. in Tulsa,
and a local drugstore
gets an unexpected visitor.
commentator: All right.
Let's see.
Mouthwash, toothpaste.
They've got nothing !
narrator: After browsing
the aisles, the criminal finds
nothing of interest
and decides to leave.
Roger: Uh, excuse me,
Mr. Burglar man.
You've broken in successfully.
Steal something !
commentator: There you go.
Just line it up right there
and go out through the in-hole.
Perfect.
And...
Come on...
Pull...
Oh !
Mike: Breaking in,
only half the battle.
You gotta get back out.
commentator: Come on, come on,
you can do this.
( groaning )
Daniel: Buddy, there's a reason
why the top rung on ladders say
"this is not a step."
commentator: Score !
Oh, easy !
Ah !
Brad: At what point do you think
he's going to realize that
the ceiling isn't going to
hold his weight ?
man: Okay, aw, man.
I know I got in here somewhere.
Where was some--
Kevin: Cleanup in aisle
everywhere !
commentator: Oh...
Rob: Well, maybe if
Mr. Criminal Pants had spent
a little more time trying to
climb the career ladder,
he wouldn't have to
resort to this.
Loni: Drink some water,
go get some vitamins,
get some ginkgo bilobas
and then try again !
commentator: ( grunting )
Come on...
narrator: 12 overhead panels
and six light fixtures later,
the criminal manages to escape.
Danny: You know,
I can relate to this guy.
He continuously
falls off the ladder.
I continuously
fall off the wagon.
( rim shot )
commentator: Oh, no !
Oh...
( commentator humming )
narrator: In Lincoln, Nebraska,
a man walks into
a convenience store with
toilet paper wrapped around
his face.
commentator: Hey, buddy,
is that toilet paper you got on
your face ?
What ?
Kevin: Why is there toilet paper
on your face ?
commentator: What ?
Kevin: Oh, I get it.
'Cause you're a ( bleep )head.
commentator: Never mind about
the-- the toilet paper
on my face, it's irrelevant,
it's personal.
Oh, okay.
Why don't you get behind the
counter, empty the register,
put the money in a bag, man ?
I got a knife.
Frank: I ain't ( bleep ) around
today, all right ?
I'm going for ( bleep ) blood.
commentator: Asking me questions
about toilet paper.
Sorry.
The only paper you should be
concerned about
is the paper going in that bag,
man, hurry up !
Mike B.: That was the most
casual robbery I've ever seen.
I didn't even know
it was a robbery at first.
I thought they worked together.
Mike T.: Hey, I'm robbing
the place, I'm just gonna walk
around, is that cool ?
Yeah, yeah, I got toilet paper
on my face.
commentator: There you go,
stuff it in there, everything.
Squeeze it in, man.
Come on.
I am.
That's it, yeah.
Daisy: To be fair,
it could have just been a mummy
who was committing this crime.
commentator: What ?
There you go.
That's it, you all done ?
Yep.
You all done ?
Yep.
All right.
Don't do anything stupid,
all right ?
Okay.
Oh, and listen up, you're out of
toilet paper in the men's room.
narrator: Later, detectives
find a prescription bottle with
a name on the label.
Billy: What kind of
prescription medicine
do you need to actually be
taking during a robbery ?
An anti-anxiety medication,
I guess.
Chelsea: This is why I black out
my name on all my prescriptions,
religiously,
and then I can drop 'em anywhere
I want,
no matter what crime I'm doing.
narrator: Joshua Nelson is
arrested and charged with
robbery and use of a weapon
to commit a felony.
commentator: What ?
Chris: Hope he used the fluffy
stuff, because where he's
going, it's like sandpaper.
Right, Todd ?
Todd: Yeah.
Chris: Right, Danny ?
Right, Tonya ?
Hey, who hasn't been arrested
on this show ?
commentator: Come on.
narrator: Coming up:
When dumb criminals attack.
Brad: Who brings a sword
to a robbery ?
narrator: A crook
caught in the act.
commentator: Take this.
Laptop, gotta get that.
Mike T.: You got a laptop,
some electronics.
Maybe grab the webcam that's
pointed right at
your stupid face.
narrator: When "World's Dumbest
Criminals" continues.
narrator: Yorkshire, England.
The owner of a jewelry shop
Come on.
Let's do this.
I say !
What's the meaning of this ?
Where are you from ?
What are you doing ?
*** off !
Threaten me in my own store,
will you ?
Come here !
Get out !
Get over here !
Give me that sword !
Leif: You do not interrupt
the British when they're having
a cup of tea.
commentator: Get over here,
young man !
I'll have you know
I won't stand for this.
Mike T.: You know,
anyone can buy a sword.
Not anyone can use one, though.
commentator: Stop it !
Give me that weapon back !
Ah, there we are.
Tip top.
Billy: These thieves are acting,
uh, almost like kids
in a candy store.
( buzzer ringing )
commentator: Billy, bulls--
Billy: I'm sorry, yes.
Bulls in a china shop.
commentator: I say,
how are you ?
Friends of Oxford.
Todd: You two guys
have a samurai sword
and an axe
and you can't take down
a fufu guy.
Judy: What the ( bleep )
is a fufu man ?
commentator: Where you hiding ?
How's that feel ?
There you are !
Kevin: You guys
are terrible robbers.
And another thing, you're
dressed way too warmly
for the occasion.
What is wrong with you ?
commentator: You better run,
you scallywags !
Loni: A cup of tea and a fight.
What a great morning.
narrator: Police track down one
of the thieves and charge him
with attempted robbery.
commentator: I cut my hand.
Bother.
( sipping )
Kevin: They lost to a guy
sipping peppermint tea.
If they had come upon a guy who
was drinking coffee,
they would have died.
commentator: Yeah !
Where are you going ?
How's that feel ?
Huh ?
Yeah.
I thought so.
narrator: A man leaves his
apartment to undergo
a minor ear operation.
In his haste, he forgets
to turn off his webcam.
Judy: If I see another clip
of a guy leaving his apartment
for a minor ear operation
and leaving his webcam on,
I'm gonna ( bleep ) kill myself.
( glass shattering )
commentator: Okay.
All right,
I'm just gonna take this.
And a laptop,
I'm gonna get that.
Okay.
Oh, what's in here ?
Nice box.
This looks warm.
I'm gonna take that.
Mike T.: You're getting some
nice stuff here, you got
a laptop, some electronics.
Maybe grab the webcam
that's pointed right at
your stupid face.
commentator: Okay.
What do we have here ?
I'm gonna take this and this.
Kevin: I know you didn't
anticipate being on camera
today, but ( bleep ), girl,
it's the daytime.
Clean yourself up.
commentator: All right,
I'm out of here.
narrator: Hours later, the man
returns from the hospital.
Chris: These are great meds.
My pain is gone, my stereo's
gone, my laptop is gone.
Billy: His friend is really
the Sherlock Holmes of the duo.
Jaime: Stop making him think.
He's got all those bandages.
It looks like thinking hurts.
Billy: You hate to say it ?
Why do you hate to say the most
obvious answer
to the whole riddle ?
woman: Oh, crackhead ?
Danny: When in doubt,
always guess crackhead.
narrator: Thanks to
the webcam footage,
the culprit is identified
as a neighbor.
She's charged with
breaking and entering.
Loni: The one time I left my
webcam on, it wasn't no robbery.
I can tell you that much.
It was a crime, though.
narrator: To round up criminals
with outstanding warrants,
Florida police rely on
a clever sting,
sending the wrongdoers a letter
promising free money.
Todd: West Central Florida
stimulus check.
Hell yeah.
Leif: Free money, baby !
Tonya: Oh, yeah !
Cool !
I'm going to get my check.
They said I won.
narrator: But when the
fugitives come to collect
their checks...
commentator: Tampa police,
hands behind your back, sir.
Hands behind your back, please.
Todd: Damn !
I knew it was
too good to be true.
Can I make a phone call ?
commentator: Yeah,
come right in here, ma'am.
Where, here ?
Tampa police, hands behind
your back, ma'am.
Oh, shoot.
Daisy: Does no one in Tampa know
how to throw a surprise party ?
Get some balloons !
commentator: Okay,
where my money at ?
Hands behind your back, sir.
Oh, man, you fooled me.
Marianne: Shh, shh !
You guys, here comes
the next criminal.
Shh, get down.
commentator: Are the checks
in here, man ?
Yep.
Oh, man !
Ted: You know, something very
similar happened to me,
only it was a bunch of "friends"
and "family."
"Ted, we love you very much, but
we don't want to lose you."
Idiots.
Mike T.: Oh !
I knew it was a trap, I knew it.
But I figured, what the hell,
it'd be nice to see everyone
in prison again.
Let's go.
Billy: They don't go for
criminal mischief in Tampa.
I mean, they love a little bit
of mischief.
Look what their police
are doing.
Loni: What the hell that mean ?
I'm black and I don't know
what he's talking about.
Who can translate ?
Not Chuck Nice, no, uh-uh.
commentator: Oh, man.
narrator: The sting
is a big success.
commentator: Dang.
narrator: Resolving
34 outstanding warrants.
Chris: The sad part is, they
could have used that stimulus
money to pay their bail now.
narrator: It's a busy day at
this grocery store in Italy.
commentator: Okay, everybody,
nobody move !
It's a robbery !
Get back !
Everybody, it's a robbery !
Get back, get back inside.
Okay, you, put the money
in the bag, huh ?
Hey, shh, I'm on the phone.
Hey, okay.
Money in the bag !
No.
Uh-huh.
No kidding, she said that ?
Chelsea: Ooh, the silent
treatment strikes again.
commentator: Come on,
I'm serious.
Put the money in the bag.
Carmella said what ?
What's going on here ?
Hey !
Jaime: Usually, I hate store
employees on the phone,
but now I see it's just
a defense mechanism.
Kevin: Look, sir,
if you want to rob me,
you're gonna have to get in
the back of the line
like everybody else.
commentator: Hey, hey, come on,
call him back, huh ?
Hang up-a the phone !
Give me the money in the bag,
first, then call him back !
Get out of here.
Frank: Get the ( bleep )
out of here.
Va fa Napoli.
commentator: What you doing ?
Frank: Hey !
( bleep )
Mike T.: Clearly, this is
a person that hasn't been taken
seriously for most of his life.
He's got kind of
a Napoleon complex.
In Italy.
It's confusing.
commentator: Listen to me !
This is a robbery !
Okay.
Go, go, go.
You know what ?
Now--
Mm-hmm.
Now I'm upset and--
Okay.
Next !
Mike T.: Fine, I didn't want to
steal your ( bleep ) anyway,
I'm out of here.
Jerks in this store !
Loni: At least take a bottle
of water, something.
Have some pride
if you gonna rob somebody.
commentator: Okay, you'll see.
One day, somebody will not
respect you.
Chris: I bet the guy went
outside and called him.
Remember me ?
Give me the money.
Yeah, I'll hold.
narrator: Coming up,
a heist put on ice.
commentator: Over here, look !
Ice creams !
I love ice cream !
Chelsea: This is
my kind of robbery.
We want ice creams !
narrator: And deer crash
happy hour...
commentator: Whoa !
Deer, get the deer !
John: What the--
( bleep )
narrator: When "World's Dumbest
Criminals" continues.
narrator: A Bob's Big Boy
restaurant installs
a $6,000 statue of its
corporate mascot
by the main entrance.
The next evening...
commentator: Here we go.
Yeah.
Keep it smooth, keep it smooth.
It's smooth.
Got that ratchet-- go, go, go.
Nick: How could they do this ?
It's like stealing
the *** Mary.
commentator: Yeah, twist it.
Yep, yep, I got around.
I got around.
Come on.
Marianne: They were like
a ghetto NASCAR pit crew.
Zzz, zzz !
commentator: Don't strip it,
man, don't strip it !
No, no, don't strip it.
I am, I am.
Kevin: Pull up your pants
and steal a Bob's Big Boy statue
like a man !
Leif: I thought somebody really
should have just called the
fashion police on those guys
or just buy 'em belts.
commentator: Yo,
watch the scratch.
Watch the scratch.
Watch the scratch.
There we go, come on.
Level, level, level.
Judy: You're stealing
a Bob's Big Boy statue.
What are gonna do with it ?
Mike T.: Oh, this is
my Bob's Big Boy.
Oh, is that the one
that was stolen ?
No, no, that's a--
This is a different one.
I bought it.
narrator: Days later,
one crook calls the restaurant
and offers to return Bob
for a $1,000 ransom.
Brad: He's not dumb
for stealing the statue,
he's dumb for asking
one-sixth of its value
in ransom.
commentator: Help me, Mama !
Todd: I got your Bob's Big Boy
statue.
Uh-huh.
How much you gonna
give me for it ?
How about 1,000 bucks ?
Frank: All right, well, come on
in, we'll give it to you.
( bleep ) idiot.
narrator: The thief is arrested
when he shows up
to collect his money.
Jaime: Did the manager recognize
the kid from his *** ?
narrator: The statue is
returned undamaged.
Police round up the Bob-nappers
and charge them with burglary,
grand theft and conspiracy.
Mike B.: Then you get to prison
and a dude named Bob
that's built like a monster
wants to give you his big boy.
And that's justice.
Tonya: They have good food,
by the way.
Leif: Oh, my God.
narrator: It's after hours
at this upscale
Parisian design store.
commentator: Bonsoir, boutique,
bonsoir.
Nick: Only in France do you
bring your little cute dog
with you to rob a place.
commentator: Stay in the back,
Pierrot.
Daddy's doing his work.
Daniel: Probably not the best
idea to rely on a lookout
that can be distracted by
Snausages.
commentator: Voila !
Yeah.
Leif: "Fantastique."
Come on, Fido.
Let's go rob.
commentator: Okay, let's see.
Un, deux, trois, sept, whatever.
Et cetera.
Damn it.
Mike B.: He stole bowls !
man: You know what,
I'm having a dinner party,
Mr. Doggy.
We need salad bowls !
commentator: Fit inside
my jacket.
Come on, bowls, fit !
( speaking French )
To hell with them.
Let's see what else.
Uh...
Loni: This dude needs a bag.
commentator: Okay, anonymous
decorative object,
come with me and some
pieces of glass.
Let's go, Pierrot !
narrator: Minutes later,
the two window shoppers approach
another boutique.
commentator: Voila !
Okay, come with me.
( speaking French )
A box or toaster,
whatever you are.
Let's go !
Rob: Is he on
a gay scavenger hunt ?
commentator: What is this ?
Who cares.
Let's go.
Okay, Pierrot, to our house to
decorate with objects !
Let's go !
narrator: The man makes his
slow getaway
and is still at large.
As for his little furry
friend...
Ted: The dog was booked as an
accomplice and put to sleep.
( child crying )
No, no, no,
the dog was sent upstate where
there's plenty of room
for him to play with other dogs.
( kids cheering )
narrator: It's closing time
at this Auckland, New Zealand,
convenience store.
commentator: All right.
Put your hands in the air !
It's a stickup, mate !
Okay.
Yeah, we've got weapons !
Yeah ?
Kevin: The first girl has a gun
and then, for support,
some girl comes in
with a hammer.
You didn't think the gun
would do it ?
commentator: All right,
open the register.
I just made a deposit.
There's no money in there.
Oh, crikey.
narrator: With no money
in the register,
the girls make a beeline for the
most prized goods in the store.
commentator: Over here, look !
Ice creams !
I love ice cream !
Get 'em all, get 'em all.
Take that one !
Chelsea: This is
my kind of robbery.
We want ice creams !
woman: I'm going all out,
girls !
Me and my hammer are gonna get
the strawberry !
commentator: I can't wait
to eat these later !
Hurry !
Put it right in the bag.
Rocky Road !
John: What, did their boyfriends
all break up with them ?
What the ( bleep ) are they
doing in there ?
commentator: Chunky, chunky !
Caramel swirls !
Strawberry surprise !
Lemon !
narrator: The hungry bandits
make off with more than
60 ice-cream treats.
Kevin: These are probably the
only thieves you'll ever see
that will celebrate their
successful heist by watching
"How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days."
narrator: Local residents say
the robbery is not
an isolated incident.
Billy: Uh, worst ?
Mike T.: Oh, what's next ?
People stealing things
of value ?
narrator: Police arrest
a teenage girl in connection
with the crime
and are on the lookout
for her accomplices.
Tonya: They need to be
in a detention center.
They need to do
some community service.
They need to understand that
life is not just about ice cream
and cookies.
commentator: Don't miss
the coconut freeze pops !
Yum, chocolate down under !
That's dirty.
narrator: Fans of the
Milwaukee Bucks basketball team
gather at a Wisconsin bar to
watch the big playoff game.
Brad: Yeah, it's a good game.
It's a good game so far.
What do you think ?
John: Milwaukee Bucks suck !
You guys suck !
You can't buy a basket !
Daisy: First down !
Are the Milwaukee Bucks
a football team ?
John: Come on, guys, play ball.
I'm telling you,
these Bucks suck.
I don't give a ( bleep )
what you say, they suck.
You suck, Bucks !
commentator: Now you
pissed me off !
Whoa !
Whoa !
Deer, get the deer !
Look out, look out !
John: What the--
( bleep )
commentator: Whoa !
Whoa, somebody grab 'em !
There's deer in the bar,
deer in the bar !
Leif: Whoa !
What the hell was that ?
Daniel: Somebody stop him,
he didn't pay the cover !
It's two bucks !
( rim shot )
commentator: Whoa !
More of 'em !
More of 'em !
Chelsea: May I have one shot of
tequila with some Lyme Disease ?
commentator: Quick, table up.
Yep, yep, yep.
Hey !
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
where you going ?
He's-- all right.
It's okay.
They got ticks.
Terrible ticks.
Come on, take it easy, man,
easy.
Todd: Don't grab me !
Oh !
Let go, let go, let go !
man: You ( bleep ) with
the wrong man today, Bambi !
I will mop the floor with you.
commentator: Got him ?
Yeah.
There we go.
Keep him low.
Yep.
Whoops.
All right, a little further.
Chelsea: Call me country,
but this is how
I clean my floors also.
commentator: Coming through,
coming through, coming through.
Don't mind us !
Keep eating, keep eating !
Go, go, go, go !
Brad: Hey, are you the one who
pooped all these pellets
all over the floor ?
Better clean that up.
This is a family establishment.
narrator: The deer are returned
to the wild unharmed.
Insurance covers all damages.
Kevin: It's the first time
anyone ever said, "Yes, I'll buy
the deer insurance,"
and it turned out
to be a good move.
commentator: Gotcha !
Take it easy, Jim,
it's a deer.
narrator: Coming up...
commentator: What's up,
old man ?
Are you stealing from my store ?
narrator: Old-school justice.
commentator: You're not going
anywhere !
Get off me !
Billy: Do not try and steal
an old man's liquor.
He's got nothing else
to live for.
narrator: Plus, it's 10:00 a.m.
Do you know
where your kids are ?
commentator: I'm gonna take the
bag of candy home for me.
I'm gonna take it home.
narrator: When "World's Dumbest
Criminals" continues.
narrator: Two suspicious
characters enter a convenience
store in Minnesota.
commentator: I got--
I got, like, candy.
I'm gonna take the bag
of candy home for me.
I'm gonna take it home.
Todd: Candy.
Candy.
Oh, candy.
Daisy: It's the "cwime"
of the "centuwee."
commentator: I'm gonna take this
bag of candy home for me.
You take your own.
Loni: I did that
when I was three.
I still do it.
commentator: I'm gonna take
this kind of candy.
Let's go outside with the bag
of candy, let's go outside.
Kevin: Those kids
were pretty serious.
They had temporary teardrop
tattoos by their eye
for each candy bar
they'd taken down.
commentator: I'm stuck in the
door, I'm stuck in the door.
Uh, excuse me, kids ?
Kids ?
Hello.
Marianne: Put the Skittles down
and your hands up !
I'm gonna give you
two spankings for this.
commentator: Where are
your parents ?
I'm-- I'm not--
I'm gonna put the candy back.
I'm putting it back.
Jaime: Busting these two
is like taking candy from a baby
taking candy.
narrator: Moments later,
police arrive, followed by
the children's parents
who say the kids slipped out of
the house unnoticed.
Mike B.: Oh, my God,
I am so sorry.
They said they was going out
to get cigarettes,
they didn't say anything
about going to steal.
commentator: Listen to Mommy
and Daddy, girls.
You gotta pay for things,
you can't just take 'em.
All right, sir, you are gonna
have to pay for the candy
that they took.
What ?
Billy: Throw the book at them.
It's the only way they'll learn
at that age.
narrator: The parents
pay for the candy
and no charges are filed.
Mike T.: That one-year-old is
gonna have bragging rights
for life.
Like, you think you're badass ?
I was stealing ( bleep )
when I was one.
One !
commentator: Come on.
Let's-- let's go outside
with our bag of candy.
narrator: It's just after
10:00 a.m. at this liquor store
in Waterbury, Connecticut.
commentator: Yo, stick your
hands up, man, it's a robbery !
Okay.
Put all the money in
the register, man, now, now !
Okay, calm down, calm down.
Let's go, let's go !
Come on, come on, hurry up !
narrator: The gunman fires
a warning shot.
( gunshot firing )
commentator: Okay, I'm moving,
I'm moving !
You think I'm playing ?
I ain't playing, you see ?
I ain't playing !
Put that money in the bag.
narrator: Which attracts the
attention of 70-year-old patron
Richard Riley.
commentator: Hey, hey, whoa,
whoa, whoa.
What's up, old man ?
Billy: Do not try and steal
an old man's liquor.
He's got nothing else
to live for.
commentator: What's up,
old man ?
Where do you think--
Where do you think
you're going ?
Hey, hey !
Get out of my way !
You're not going anywhere !
You're not going anywhere !
Get off me, old man.
Mike T.: You know who wouldn't
step in ?
Me.
I'd be, like holding the door
open for him, like,
thank you, have a nice day.
commentator: Move
out of my way !
Loni: Beat his ***, Gramps.
commentator: Get off me,
old man.
Marianne: That guy's got balls.
Really old, low-hanging balls.
Big.
commentator: Hello, yes !
Uh, we're open 'til 10:00.
Okay, yeah.
Nick: Can you hold on a second ?
I got an octogenarian
fighting a gang member.
commentator: Yes, please--
Okay.
I'll take care of you.
( yelling )
Get him !
Tonya: Hit him !
Boom !
Help this old man.
commentator: Hit him !
Frank: He whipped his ***.
And the old man was there,
the old man stood tight, man.
commentator: Help me, help me !
Hit him !
Let's get him !
Get him !
Chelsea: How do bats
consistently seem to win over
guns in convenience stores ?
commentator: Get him, get him !
Get that ***.
narrator: Police track down
John Yates a few days later
and charge him with robbery,
larceny and criminal possession
of a firearm.
Mike B.: Talkin' about
"make my day" ?
commentator: Hey, hey, whoa,
whoa, whoa !
Mike B.: Oh, this was
a Clint Eastwood day
for Grandpa.
commentator: Get out of my way !
You're not going anywhere !
commentator: Welcome, Jedi,
you may pass.
narrator: It's International
Comic Book Day,
and this Australian shop owner
is dressed for the occasion.
commentator: Happy
International--
Excuse me ?
Yes, sir.
How much is this ?
Oh, it's a very nice one,
isn't it ?
Yeah, it's very expensive,
very expensive.
narrator: The customer's
behavior arouses
Spidey's suspicion.
commentator: Me Spidey senses
are tingling here.
Kevin: The only thing suspicious
about a 45-year-old man
in a comic-book store
would have been if he was there
with his girlfriend.
commentator: Sir,
may I see your backpack ?
What ?
Spider-Man would like
your backpack.
Nick: You got
a Spider-Man suit on.
Don't ask for it, just take it.
You're a superhero.
commentator: Backpack, please,
sir.
Spidey requests it.
Uh...
Uh-huh.
All right, all right.
There you are.
Okay.
Wait, wait a minute, come here.
Where you going
with my backpack ?
Mike B.: Oh, damn, Spidey.
Why did I pick the store that
Spider-Man frequents ?
Jaime: Dude, you can't steal
in front of superheroes.
They can see
right through your bag !
commentator: Okay,
let's just see here.
Flash, check out the backpack,
see if there's anything
illicit inside.
Sure thing, Spidey.
narrator: Inside the bag,
the super friends find a rare
X-Men comic worth $160.
Tonya: I understand comics
are really cool,
but you know what ?
Save up your pennies.
Danny: You know, to
a 45-year-old comic-book thief,
all this really does is
reinforce his belief
in Spider-Man.
commentator: Just like
Spider-Man.
Michael: Now you just lost me,
guy.
You were gonna win one
for nerds everywhere,
and then you just had to
nerd out and ruin it.
commentator: Gotcha !
narrator: In this Chinese
village, two men on a motorbike
approach a woman
carrying a purse.
Kevin: Oh, man.
Two guys sharing a bike.
This couldn't get less manly.
commentator: Okay, here we go.
Oh, thank you very much !
Kevin: Oh, no, wait,
now they're carrying a purse.
commentator: Thank you
very much !
narrator: Angry villagers block
the thieves and push them back
to the scene of the crime.
commentator: Look !
Here they come !
Okay, okay.
Give it to me !
Stay back !
Tonya: Yeah.
Now, this is how you get
the ( bleep ) done.
commentator: Hey !
Back, back !
Back !
It's our purse !
Stay back !
Chuck: Back !
Back, back !
Oh, my God,
they're not stopping.
commentator: Okay, wait !
Wait !
( all shouting )
Jaime: Everybody, calm down.
It's just a bunch of lipstick
and *** pads.
Marianne: Is there, like, a
chair factory right next door ?
commentator: Let me go !
Please !
It's just a purse !
Chelsea: It's like the old
children's hand game.
Rock, scissors, paper, sword,
cardboard, stool, et cetera.
commentator: Wait !
Please !
Come on !
We're so sorry !
Loni: Chinese-on-Chinese crime
is just so wrong.
commentator: Okay.
Everybody calm down.
We have them !
narrator: Police arrive and
arrest the purse snatchers.
Brad: Who called the police ?
The robbers ?
Frank: The Chinese,
I'm proud of you, man.
I mean, you were getting pretty
low on my totem pole
with dumb ( bleep ) driving,
but these ( bleep )
represented.
commentator: We're just
purse snatchers !
That's all !
narrator: You've tracked down
19 of the world's dumbest
criminals,
but the dumbest one of all
is still out there,
and he's been knocking himself
out to meet you.
Find out who he is
right after this.
commentator: Oh, my God !
narrator: This Russian man has
just been caught speeding
and is waiting for his ticket in
the back of a police cruiser.
Danny: His face looks fine
to me.
Mike T.: In Russia,
you punch you !
Billy: Did he consider beating
himself with a nightstick ?
That might have been
more persuasive.
Mike B.: How'd I punch you ?
Show me.
No, I punched you
harder than that.
Danny: The guy's not even
hitting himself that hard.
Tase yourself,
then I'll be impressed.
( laughing )
Oh, ( bleep ).
Jaime: You don't have a comeback
for that one, do you, smarty ?
Kevin: Oh, well,
now I'm thinking punching myself
in the face might have been
a dumb thing to do.
narrator: The driver gets off
with a speeding ticket
and a bruised face.
Ted: The same guy got a traffic-
light photo ticket in the mail.
Tried to get out of it
by slamming his balls
in the kitchen drawer.
narrator: And now, advice for
criminals from Jimmy McMillan.
Jimmy: Hee-ya !
Before you even think
about committing a crime,
I'd like to tell you one thing.
Rent is too damn high.
You're gonna get caught, dog,
and when you get caught,
family gonna miss you
for a few days.
If it's on the weekend,
you're gonna be sitting up
in central booking with
a whole bunch of guys
looking at you, waiting for
you to drop the soap.
They're not playing.
Crime is nothing to play with.
When you take something
from someone, you've taken
money from the mouths
of their children, you've taken
money from their car loan,
you've taken money
from their home, you've taken
money from their rent,
you've even taken money
that they plan on buying
groceries with to feed
the families with.
And like I told you from
the beginning,
you need to stop it.
Why ?
Because the rent
Captioned by Soundwriters™