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RUDY: Flying.
-(GROANS) -Electricity.
And that is camouflage. You are superheroes, guys, you are!
-The Jumper Posse. -This is our destiny!
We're getting a better name.
There's nothing I can do to help anyone.
But you can make a difference.
ABBY: You're the only one of us who could actually change people's lives.
What's gonna happen if we do have the baby?
You're just gonna disappear and leave me to fend for myself?
If you want someone who's gonna be a good dad and look after this *** baby,
then you've got the wrong Rudy.
Cause I'm the *** one, or don't you remember that?
*** you!
*** coward.
GREG: Do you know...
What today is?
Tuesday?
Today...
Is the last day of your community service.
It's all over.
Seriously?
Are you kidding?
Now you had a chance to do something positive.
To give something back, to help people,
to really make a difference to their lives.
You've failed.
Dismally.
Do you wanna know what the real tragedy is?
This moment,
right here,
right now...
This is as good as it gets for you.
(THEME SONG PLAYING)
# The city breathing The people churning
# The conversating The price is what?
# The conversating This place is heaven
# And if you see them They're saying...#
Hello?
What've you done to this place?
RUDY: It's a superhero lair.
Guys.
It's your superhero lair.
There are your costumes.
You're gonna be on community service.
It is your secret identity.
Do we actually have to go around picking up litter and ***?
No, you don't have to go around picking...
You just pretend you're picking up litter and excrement.
No one's gonna suspect you're superheroes,
they're just gonna think you are a bunch of useless ASBO delinquents.
Let's do some good.
(UNLOCKING)
Who you looking at?
You shouldn't break into other people's cars.
What's that?
You shouldn't... Break into cars.
Jog on, or I will *** you up.
(UNLOCKING)
(POWERING UP)
(SCREAMING)
What're you doing? You've killed him!
That's really bad!
He's fine! I just stunned him.
HELEN: What do we do with him?
What would other superheroes do?
The Hulk would do this.
(YELLING)
(CLEARS THROAT)
Police.
I wanna report a crime.
I really liked your Hulk impression.
I like the idea of being a nurse.
Or a shepherd.
What qualifications do you need to be a shepherd?
You need a crop.
Well-trained border collie, and a profound love of sheep, love.
I'll tell you where I'm not gonna be in a year's time,
and that is working behind a bar.
I, for one, will be enjoying my life as a multi-millionaire!
-(RUDY CHUCKLING) -Scratch card?
It's genius! Why didn't I think of that?
Well, not everyone's as blessed in the brains
and trouser department as I am, are they?
(CLEARS THROAT) If you play enough of them, odds are,
you're in for a big win and that's just basic science.
One more melon, that's me. You ***...
-Apple. -(GROANS)
For ***'s sake. (GROANS)
-Shame. -*** off.
What?
-You all right? -Yeah, never better.
Never better.
What?
Do I detect an overwhelming sense of *** disappointment?
Prick.
Why can't you just be happy for me?
Oh, man, that was a joke!
Oh, for ***'s sake.
You all right?
Jess. Jess, please, just give me... Give me a minute.
How much longer are you going to punish me for... I *** panicked.
All I could see before me was impending fatherhood,
followed by middle age and then death.
I needed you and you weren't there for me.
I know I wasn't there for you, I know. But I am here now.
It's who you are.
(LAUGHS)
I was stupid to think this could work.
I can't do this.
Jess! For ***'s sake.
You go first.
(SIGHS)
Do you know what, erm...
I wasn't actually gonna put anything on.
I was just using it as an excuse to get away from someone.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Can I buy you a drink?
Yeah. Actually, sure.
(GROANS)
I should go.
When can I see you again?
Things are really complicated for me, right now.
I like you, you like me.
Just give me a chance.
Get to know me. I'm a cool guy.
You just have to spend some time with me.
We had a nice time. Let's just leave it at that, yeah?
We can make this work.
We have a future together.
Hmm. We don't have a future.
You don't decide.
I do.
(JESS GASPS)
Get off.
Get your *** hand off me!
I'll show you.
I should go.
Go where?
Home.
-This is your home. -(SIGHS)
(BABY WHIMPERING)
What is that?
It's our son.
He wants you. He needs feeding.
That supposed to be funny?
-He's our son. -(BABY COUGHING)
Look at him.
LUKE: He's got your eyes.
What did you do?
I threw us forward through time.
We had a baby.
We're parents.
No, I haven't got a *** baby.
LUKE: Do you want to hold him?
He's... He's not mine.
I know it's confusing.
But you have a new life now.
And me and Leo are a big part of it.
He needs you.
He needs his mum.
(BABY WHIMPERING)
He's so beautiful.
Take me back.
I want you to take me back in time. You fix this!
You take me back!
This is your life now.
You accept that or I'll throw us back through time.
I'll keep doing it until I get it right.
You won't remember a thing!
We can do this again and again and again.
I'm not giving up you and our baby.
I will never fall in love with you, you creepy, *** prick!
Give it time.
I can give us all the time we need.
You're not like the other girls.
You've done this before.
Spend the day with him.
He is going to break your heart.
I have to get ready for work.
You can't do this!
You can't leave me with him, he's not my *** baby!
(BABY BABBLING)
OPERATOR: Sorry, the number you have called is currently unavailable.
Please try again later.
What the ***?
Finn.
Oh, thank God. Finn.
Where's Finn?
I think he's in the office.
Finn?
Yes... Jess!
Oh my God. Where have you been? What happened to you? You...
You disappeared!
Er, there's this guy called Luke.
He used this power and he says he threw me through time, like...
(BABY CRIES)
FINN: What's...
Is that yours?
JESS: He says it's mine.
This is *** up.
You just vanished.
We searched everywhere. We...
We thought you were dead.
None of us had seen you in over a year.
Why are you wearing an ID badge?
And why are you... Dressed like a ***?
I'm a trainee probation worker. This is the required look.
You're a trainee probation worker?
Yes.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
You're *** me, aren't you?
It's amazing to think that came out of Jess's ***.
You are an industrial tribunal just waiting to happen.
It's called a ***.
You're not gonna bloody believe this.
-There's no golf sale. -How do you mean?
Look, I've been standing out there for two weeks, holding this proxy sign.
I go to collect my wages, there's no golf sale.
Think I've been the victim of a cruel practical joke.
(SIGHS)
Cute baby.
Yeah, about the baby...
Do you know what I was doing,
when you so...
Rudely interrupted me?
I'm guessing it wasn't showering.
I was 19.
And a half, I was into a *** She Wrote marathon.
Jess is back.
ABBY: Where is she?
She's in the ***.
She said something about some bloke
who's thrown her forward through time.
-You okay? -(CRYING) I'm fine.
I'm fine.
So, the worm's returned,
with her *** bushy tail between her legs.
It's too late, guys.
It's too late. Because I've forgot about her very existence.
She's back!
(SOBBING) Jessica's back. Oh, man.
(SOBBING)
-Is he having a mental breakdown? -(RUDY WHIMPERING)
JESS: Rudy?
Huh?
Oh, Jess.
(RUDY SIGHING)
You look like ***.
It's been a bit of a rough year.
My vigorous grooming and personal hygiene regime might have...
Slipped, just a bit.
Did Finn tell you about the baby?
Is, is that...
Is he mine?
I don't know. I, I don't think so.
I think it's Luke's.
Who the *** is Luke?
Are you gonna pick that up?
You pick it up.
Isn't that what you're supposed to be doing?
(MAN SCREAMING)
-How high is that? -It's high.
(SCREAMING)
-(SPLATTERING) -Ugh.
What are you doing?
You dropped him right there, you splattered us!
I've told you before.
Yeah, well... That's one less *** to deal with.
RUDY: How's it going? See any action?
Nothing much. We got some guy dropping litter.
What did you do to him?
We let him off with a very stern warning.
He won't be doing that again.
What're you up to?
I'm just, I'm going through the papers.
You staying at mine tonight?
Yeah.
-Oh. -You all right?
What?
I've had an haircut.
Here. Crisps are for you.
Milk's for him.
And the scratch cards for me.
Game on. Let's do this.
(GROANS) ***.
How's Rudy Two?
We just... We don't see much of each other any more.
Birthdays.
Religious holidays, Easter, Christmas.
Ramadan.
(CHUCKLES)
I never stopped, you know.
I never stopped looking for you.
I always sort of hoped and prayed
you'd just come sashaying through the door.
Just give me one of 'em killer smiles
and I could just tell you how sorry I was.
Look.
I'm not gonna pretend that I wasn't angry with you.
But this, this...
Whole thing is so messed up.
I don't even feel like it's my baby.
I don't feel...
Anything.
(CHUCKLES) He's got your eyes.
A beautiful chestnut brown.
You all right, little man?
How you diddling?
(CHUCKLES)
Christ, look at his tiny little hands.
Strong enough to crush a grown man's heart, they are.
He'd squeeze the life right out of him.
So, what happens now?
I've no *** idea what happens now.
Those three...
(SIGHS)
Speak.
Head Office called.
There's no record of them being sentenced to community service.
They shouldn't be here.
Well, there's a perfectly reasonable way to handle this.
Which is?
Why are you here?
Why?
Why?
Why? Why? Why?
(SCREAMING) Why? Why? Why?
A probation worker must learn to wear many masks.
Best friend.
Father figure.
Tearful clown.
What's up, dog?
Help me out with something.
There's no record of you ever being sentenced to community service.
So I was kind of wondering why you're here.
You know, I'm sure there's other things you could be doing.
Pretty girl like yourself.
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
You killed a trainee probation worker.
I only stunned him.
He's on to us.
-What do we do with him? -We'll have to bury him under the flyover.
We buried so many people, there's no room left under the flyover.
What's that?
There's no room.
We'll have to start double banking them.
***. Shovels.
(CAR ENGINE STARTS)
(CAR SPEEDING AWAY)
(CLATTERING)
(CAR TYRES SCREECH)
I know what you've been doing.
You've been killing people.
Kinda. Only people that deserve it, only wankers.
You don't get to decide, Sam.
This is not how it's supposed to be, you're meant to be superheroes.
You telling me the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles never killed some ignorant
*** for dropping litter or *** in the street?
No, they didn't.
Leonardo, Michelangelo, Donatello and Raphael
would never have done any of them things. They lived by a code!
Okay, bad example.
But look, you just get so sick of dealing with the same scumbags,
the courts don't do anything.
The fine, community service, it's a joke.
We came up with a more permanent solution.
Murdering?
Well, if you say it like that, it sounds bad.
We'd really like you to be okay with this.
I'm not okay with it.
I'm not okay. I'm very far from being okay.
I'm actually very bloody angry.
(SIGHS) Do you know what...
What are you doing?
Well, he wanted to suckle on something, and you weren't here.
I know they're not as beautiful as yours, right,
but any *** in a storm, eh, mate?
(CHUCKLES)
-Go on, then. -It's not sucking on my ***, put it in the pram.
-All right. -(BABY COOING)
One sec.
-Here we go, here we go, here we go. -(BABY GURGLING)
(TALKING GIBBERISH)
Is that milk?
Oh, my God.
I'm lactating.
Love's stronger than biology, guys.
(MOBILE VIBRATING)
(STUTTERS) Hi, it's me. Listen, I've made a terrible error of judgement.
You were right about Helen.
What, she's not an electrician, is she?
(MUTTERS) What the... I knew it. It's just one big lie.
(STUTTERS) No, I've started something, I thought I was doing something good but...
Helen and the others, they're killing people.
They almost got Finn. I've got to stop them.
No, no, no, no. (STAMMERS) Where are you now?
Listen, I just want you to know
I'm sorry.
(STAMMERING) And I should never have left you. We belong together. I'm...
Where are you? Tell me where you are.
I'll come and get you then, can't I, where are you?
I love you, man.
Hello... Oh, for ***'s sake.
-What's going on, Rudy? -It's Rudy Two.
He says his electrician girlfriend's freaking killing people, for Christ's sake.
(PANTING) You're not going to believe this.
Those community service pricks, *** little ***...
They tried to kill me.
Well, they chose the wrong day to do that, Finley.
Cause I'm feeling very hormonal.
They're coming.
I suppose you better kill 'em.
Okay, as I see it,
we're getting into a fight with people with much better super powers than us.
Define better.
Flying.
He's got a point.
(WIND WHOOSHING)
That is actually, very impressive.
Oh my God, that is... That's a man flying.
That's like roller-skating cats, I never thought I'd see that, not in my lifetime.
What's the plan?
(STUTTERS) Do we have a plan?
Running's the plan.
There's no escaping from him.
(GROANING)
You prick!
All right, all right, so what I'm thinking you need to do...
You need to mount him in mid-flight, you need to rip his jump suit off him,
just *** his power out of him.
Oh, is that it?
So I don't need to cook him a nice dinner first or anything like that?
Bloody hell, if you think you can't do it...
Erm, I didn't say that. I could do it.
Erm, I don't think you could.
Seriously, what is your idea?
(MIMICS CHICKEN)
(CLATTERING)
It's amazing what you can goad people into.
Vanity and pride has been the undoing of many a great man, Finley.
Roy Castle. God rest his soul.
He died of cancer, Rudy.
I thought he tap danced himself to death.
Oh, my God. Get off!
(LAUGHING)
Oh my God, he's actually doing it.
Go on! You can do it!
-Never doubted you, man. -Go on, you handsome barman.
(GRUNTING)
*** superhero!
Oh ***!
He didn't think this through.
Flap your arms! Flap!
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Handsome barman?
(CHEERING)
Oh, dude.
Told you I could do it.
You betrayed me.
I never meant you to find out.
Look, I can explain.
I loved you.
With all my heart.
I'm sorry.
Will you wait here?
-I want to help. -I know you want to help.
But you've got to look after him.
Listen, I know he's not mine,
but I will love him like he was my own, if that's what you want.
(STUTTERS) Don't answer it now, just...
Think about it, yeah?
Rudy.
Be careful.
'Course I'll be careful.
Careful's my middle name, Rudy Careful Jeffrey Wade.
(BABY CRYING)
Oh, come on.
It's all right.
All right, come on.
You worried about Rudy? Hmm?
Me, too.
It's okay.
You'll be all right.
Don't do that to me.
What are you doing to me?
Shh. Shh.
(WHISPERS) I heard something.
-What? -Shh!
(RATTLING)
Follow me.
(GASPS)
Uh...
You won't have realised this about me.
But I'm gay.
(SIGHS)
I am a beautiful, and proud,
gay, probation worker.
So am I.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(GROANS)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
(RATTLING)
What if she's camouflaged herself as a pigeon?
You can't camouflage yourself as a pigeon.
Dimensions are all wrong.
A horse, a donkey, an alpaca, maybe.
A pigeon, no.
She stabbed me, she *** stabbed me.
You ***!
Wasn't her.
(SCREAMS)
(GROANING)
-That's not good. -(GAGGING)
We're going to find you.
And we're going to *** kill you.
(GROANS)
-No! -You killed Sam.
-What's that? -You killed Sam...(SCREAMS)
Whoa! (LAUGHS)
Oh, dude.
Did you see that? That's a G flat.
Because she's flat and her *** name begins with G.
Her name's Karen.
Wait, wait, wait...
Don't, please.
You don't have to be a part of this.
Well, I am a part of this. I am a part of him.
-*** me. -Please.
Just walk away, *** these losers, they've got it coming.
I'm sorry, but if you're going to kill him, you're going to have to kill me as well.
You're choosing him over me.
Yeah, I am.
He treated you like ***.
Don't I mean anything to you?
You mean the world to me.
You know you do. (STUTTERS) You betrayed me.
I did not betray you.
I know I haven't always appreciated you.
But the truth is, I feel... I feel hollow,
like an empty can of Tizer.
You complete me.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
That's Jerry Maguire.
Yeah.
I miss you, dude.
Come here.
Together we are twice as strong,
twice as intelligent, and we are twice as freakin' handsome.
And there is *** nothing you can do to us.
I can kill you.
Well...
It's just the problem, though, isn't it?
You electrician, you just think you can play God, don't you?
Well, no, sir.
I've got news for you, pal. People are more complicated than plugs.
Look at yourself. You just think everyone's a toaster, don't you?
You're a *** idiot.
Well, just give it your *** best shock, 'cause I've got rubber soles.
-(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) -(SCREAMING)
(SCREAMS)
Rudy!
-(GROANS) -Come on.
I deliberately pissed myself.
You've just been killed by my weak infantile bladder.
(LAUGHS)
Hold it now, we can fix this.
How do we fix it?
Rudy? Rudy!
Oh, look at you. (CHUCKLES)
You're so beautiful.
(SOBBING) No, no. You can't do this, I need you.
I've got something for you.
-I need a coin. -Yeah.
Thanks.
Three melons. Oh God, I've done it. (CHUCKLES)
I've beaten the odds.
FINN: Keep 'em there, in your hand.
There is a quid on there.
Make sure you look after that baby.
Rudy? No, no, no, no.
I think I'm going to be all right.
Rudy.
FINN: Rudy.
I should have told him.
I should have told him that I loved him. Why didn't I tell him?
He knew.
He knew.
(BABY CRYING)
Oh, come on, shh.
What you gonna do?
I'm going home.
There you go.
I'm doing this for you.
Hi.
It's me.
(DOOR OPENING)
Jess.
Jess.
Jess, Jess!
No! No, no, no, no.
Jess, no, no, you can't do this.
I won't let you.
You're mine. (SOBBING)
-(LAUGHING) -Scratch card?
It's genius. Why didn't I think of that?
Well, not everyone's as blessed in the brains
and trousers department as I am, are they?
(MOBILE CHIMING)
Hi, it's me.
Listen carefully because there are some things that you need to know.
I know this sounds weird but you're going to have the baby.
He's beautiful.
Listen, you're gonna meet this guy, his name's Luke.
Can I buy you a drink?
JESS: You have to have sex with him or the baby will never exist.
We'll always be together.
JESS: But Luke is a psycho.
(GASPS)
JESS: After you have sex with him,
you have to kill him, or he will never let you go.
Rudy loves you and your baby.
So stop being such a stubborn *** and forgive him.
Don't *** it up.
What's going on?
Do you know, I honestly thought...
I thought I could do something.
(STUTTERS) Achieve something on me own.
Honestly, what an idiot.
(STUTTERS) What you talking about?
Jess has just come back from the future.
(SCORNS)
And she said this whole superhero thing.
You just... It gets completely out of control.
I mean, you... You end up killing people.
Lots of them.
And then we all die...
Horribly.
This is what happens when you base your future around a jumper, for God's sake.
Freakin' knit wear.
Hey.
Maybe...
We should go travelling together, instead.
Me and you.
Really?
(SIGHS) I'd like that.
Here's to the future.
Oh, about the future,
I've just been.
Am I a shepherd?
Erm...
You are holding a golf sale sign,
for a golf sale that doesn't exist.
You're still working behind the bar.
And you are a trainee probation worker.
*** off.
(STUTTERS) Honest... Shame on you, Finley.
Deep humiliating shame.
I'm a multimillionaire, aren't I?
Got 'em. No, no, no, don't tell me.
Don't tell me, I want it to be a surprise.
Wink twice, for yes.
You win a quid, *** yourself and then you get electrocuted.
Colour me disappointed.
I'm just saying, unless we want to spend the rest of our lives
as these underachieving ***-ups, then maybe we should think about
actually doing something with our powers.
What you mean, like, open up a fast food restaurant?
No, I mean like becoming proper superheroes.
Good ones that do good ***.
Superheroes, I'm up for that.
I'm might have to make a few modifications.
Just on me costume... Just on account of me.
I've got irritable bowel syndrome.
And *** in lycra is how I got banned from the gym.
No offence, but you lot...
Superheroes?
*** it.
All right, yeah, let's do it.
This could be the start of something huge.
I can feel it in me nut sack.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)