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Hello!
Something a bit different this week.
I'm going to attempt 10 reviews in 10 minutes.
That's one minute per item.
Man, I'm probably going to have to talk pretty fast.
Or pretty slow if it's a boring item.
Basically, I have a friend who is lurking off this side of the camera.
Say hello!
[Silence]
They're not saying anything, they're shy, and now I look like a lunatic.
And they've picked out 10 random items from my big box of stuff that I have yet to review
that I have been sent.
And, I've seen these items before, but not for a while, quite possibly.
And I don't know what they've picked.
They are basically going to put them, one at a time, when the time comes around,
on a small table I've got here, I will pick them up.
We will review them.
Everybody will be happy, we hope.
I've got my iPhone ready, on some sort of weird boxing round timer thing.
Which will control events.
Alright, we've got a five second count-down, and then we get running.
What could possibly go wrong?
Here we go. 5.
4. Where's the item?
3. Nope.
2. Yep, stick it on here.
You know. Woah, we're going!
Where, stick it down! Right!
Okay! We have here, Link!
Oh crikey! His face is having a box drawn around it by the face-recognition on the camera!
That's creepy!
Anyway, As you can probably guess, this is basically a Pez-Dispenser.
And we haven't got the sweets!
Sweets, it comes with- Oh Brilliant!
[Laughs]
The first item, and we don't have half of it that's needed to demonstrate it.
Oh, brilliant!
Well, as you can see, it's mighty Link from The Legend Of Zelda.
He's an elf. He's runs around and hits things with swords.
A Master Sword if he's a lucky boy.
And yes it's just like a Pez-Dispenser, you just put some sort of cheaper form of round
sweety in it.
And then ping them out of his neck with horrifying force, if I recall!
So you can take peoples' retinas out, from across the room.
And frankly, his face is slightly creepy.
"Ben Drowned!"
Yes, umm... I don't really know what's going on there.
I don't like his haircut.
The curtains remind me on the '90s, when I had a similar haircut.
I did not, however, have similar ears.
Right, 4 seconds more to fill, oh only 3 now, now it's going down to 2, quick where's the
next item!
Go. Go. Go!
[Phone Chimes]
Quickly, quickly! Yes, that'll do!
What the bloody hell? I don't remember-
Oh yes! Right, uhh...
[Laughs]
That caught me off a bit.
"Sweet Quenchers - Powder Candy".
Sent to me from The Americas, I believe.
Umm... basically, I think they're just carrots, full of sherbet.
Thank you for cutting the corner!
Yeah, cheers mate(!)
Right, "Artificial Green Apple", "Artificial Blue Raspberry", what?
"Artificial Cherry", and "Artificial Orange".
Oh great! Even the actual names of the flavours have "Artificial" in front of them.
That's not good, is it?
"Imported by Greenbrier International, Chesapeake?" no idea how to pronounce that.
"VA", which I think is Virginia.
"Made in China", there's a bloody surprise.
OK, perhaps this is just a really weird way to uhh... Get *** across customs. I don't
know.
Hmm... Some sort of pink sherbety stuff.
Ooh, there's a hair in it, Eurgh!
Oh man, I hope that's come in afterwards.
Oh, I've got to try it now, I suppose.
Oh God 8 seconds!
Umm... That's horrible.
It's just like non-sugary, sugar.
I'm got no idea what flavour it's supposed to be.
[Phone Chimes]
Oh God, next thing! Quickly, yes that's it!
Right! "Lovely Kids"!
That doesn't look so lovely, what is this?
A cheap attempt at a Bratz doll, by the looks of it.
"Lady Modern", they were, "Lovely Kids" a minute ago.
"Specifications Colours And Contents May Vary From Instructions Selling Well All Over The
Word". Pardon?
"Well-known For Its Fine Quality To Rank First Among Similar Products". What the flipping
heck?
Oh my God, there's loads of it!
"to insure a liken new appearance in definitely to enjoy high reputation at home and abroad
to enjoy high reputation i the world market", bloody hell!
"to have a long history in production and marketing to be highly praised and appreciated
by consuming public to be distributed all over the world we continuously offer the latest
thing lowest price one own nothing can instead best product people's favourite brand name
product our dolls marmly welcome soon". What the hell?
That's like a whole wall of weird, semi-english text.
And this is the doll's face.
That's just terrifying, I haven't got time to take it out of the box, I've only got 10
seconds.
But look at it! It's like an ugly-
Oh my God! It's got blood on its chin!
It's a vampire!
It's horrible, it's got weird eyes, and a distorted head.
[Phone Chimes]
Oh God, next thing! Yes, excellent. It's-
What the hell? It's my umm... Neo Geo Pocket Colour, that somebody very kindly sent me.
Have we go- there's no batteries in it. Did you pu- You haven't put batteries in it!
What the hell am I supposed to do?
No game cartridge!
Can't turn it on. Brilliant!
Right. Well, here's 40 seconds about the Neo Geo Pocket Colour, when I can't turn it on.
Umm... handheld made by SNK, sold all over the world.
I bought mine in the UK at the time that they were released, it's one of my favourites!
It's like a GameBoy Colour, only more powerful like.
Umm... The thing that always sticks in my mind about it is that it's brilliant for fighting
games.
Of which it had loads and loads, and the main reason is, this here control stick.
[Control clicks gently]
Microswitches! Like a proper little joysticks. Ooh...
Me Gusta!
I really, really like that.
Umm... It's probably the best control, on any handheld thing ever, and it's never been
copied.
I don't know why.
They never seem to break down or anything either.
Uhh... Quickly, what else can I remember about these? Uhh...
If you turn it on without a game in, you get really weird options, like a horoscope thing,
which is more like a biorhythms, strange thing, which gives you an amount of star ratings
for how like you're going to be-
[Phone Chimes]
Argh! Quickly next, grab!
You've just got this off of the shelf!
This didn't even come from the box, did it?
Oh, great! They're playing games with me.
Thanks mate!
Umm... Right, yeah, this. I don't fully know what this is, to be brutally honest with you.
It is obviously a casting taken of a G.I Joe figure.
The base says "2000 Hasbro", and it's of the "Action Pilot" figure.
Which I think was some sort of, exclusive, canadian exclusive? I can't remember these
days.
Umm... It's really weird, I've never been able to find a reference to it, on like G.I
Joe Collectors Sites.
Maybe it's worth a fortune, but somehow I doubt it, 'cause it's a lump of quite ugly
metal.
He's in a weird pose, I don't know if they couldn't be bothered to like pose it properly
before taking the casting.
And, there's just something "off" about it. I mean the umm... Thing that goes down over
his face doesn't fit properly.
Which is a bit lethal when you're in outer-space, to my understanding.
If you're going to walk on the moon, make sure your bloody helmet does up!
Also, he's absurdly thin! Look, it's like he's wearing a bloody corset or something!
What is this? Weird space Victorian fashion? I genuin-
[Phone Chimes]
Oh bloody hell! Next! Yes!
Thank you. Oh for crying out loud!
Oh you've dropped the next one, HAH! Seen what it is now.
Umm... Yeh... What am I going to do with this, it's a copy of Ghostbusters for the Commodore
64.
I don't have a Commodore 64, and it would probably take longer than 10 minutes to load
anyway!
I had this exact release of this game for the ZX Spectrum.
I have played this, thank goodness, so I can describe it slightly.
Umm... Slightly odd game. Very popular at the time.
All I can really remember of the Commodore 64 version was A) It was better than the Spectrum,
and B) They had a lot of sampled speech, and it sounded like the bloke who was saying it,
It was like "Hehehehe, he slimed me".
Which kind of took the edge off a little.
Also, there's a weird scene where you drive a car up the road and suck up ghosts with
a vacuum cleaner attached to it.
Ooh, a cassette tape, you don't see those very often any more.
Tell you what, I wonder if there's anybody watching, who has never used a cassette tape.
'Cause they're too young.
These were the norm for decades.
I remember my Granddad finding one, and thinking it was something that you looked through,
but holes were too close together.
Bless him, he wasn't really with it.
[Phone Chimes]
Oh! [Gibberish]
You dropped it, it's down there!
There, yes!
Thank you! Thank You!
Right, yes, "Zoom Nail Clippers".
"2x Super Magnification"! "New! Built-in nail file!".
Well of course it's a built in nail file!
They always have one!
"Great results every time! For men and wo-" Oh my God, look!
That person's toenails look like they've been pulled out!
Oh, God. Right, come on, running out of time here.
What's it like on the inside?
I don't mean in prison.
Umm... This is literally just a pair of nail clippers, which they've put in a cheap plastic
housing.
With a completely pointless magnifying glass on top.
When have you ever used these and thought "Cor! I wish I could see twice as closely"!
Around the middle of this cheap lense, because the rest is distorted.
It's not something that you need exact control to use!
You kno- And Look!
Look at the design!
You turn it over so you can actually push down and use them, and this thing's in the
way!
You have to... Flipping heck!
This is one of the worst products, since the last thing I looked at!
[Phone Chimes]
Ugh! Haven't even got time to fix it! Right. Next!
Yes, that'll do, yep, it's a big motorbike.
I reviewed several of these, little small multicoloured ones, once.
Can't remember where now. Probably on this sofa.
This is a big one!
"Auto World - Friction Motorbike".
I seem to remember thinking that the little ones were friction, but then they weren't.
"Foreign Made". There's a surprise!
I thought there were factories making these all over the country.
Umm... It's a big lump of bike-shaped nothingness.
Pull it back, it'll probably go forward.
No it doesn't, it's one of these ones where you have to build up friction.
[Friction Noises]
Hooray!
The wheeltrim fell off!
Well that's a real quality thi- Oh look at that, where they haven't bothered to paint
the bottom properly.
That's a real half-arsed toy, isn't it?
Lots of nice, bright stickers on it, that will keep any child entertained for .4 of
a femtosecond.
Until it falls to bits, since it here the very first time we did anything with it.
I do like the noise though, and one more-
[Phone Chimes]
No we can't, quickly, quickly. Ooh, I've been looking forward to these!
I've had these ages. Umm... "Candy Apps".
[Laughs]
What a marketing concept!
"Crunchy Candies!". "Strawberry Flavoured Au'some-Nuggets".
'Cause this is an "Au'some Candy Roll"?
The idea is, it's a box of sweets, that they've made to look like an iPhone.
Look, they don't even corresponding to what's in... You know, on the front, of the bloody
Umm...
Where the Apps would go.
I'd imagine that these are quite high-quality though, so yeah.
I'm going to try a small jelly rabbit.
Mm-Mm-Mmm...
That's quite nice!
Yeah, that's good.
Oh God! These will fit!
I think these are exactly the ones that go in the Link!
Where's the Link gone?!
Link!
I can use that thing in his neck! Oh God, it's fallen down the side of the sofa or something!
Uhh...
Oh, God, he's right in front of me!
Quickly! We can do it!
Kick, Punch, it's all in the mind! Go!
[Click]
Yay!
[Click]
Woo!
Do you see what I mean?
[Phone Chimes]
Absolutely Lethal! Oh God!
Quickly! Last thing!
I haven't chewed the bloody rabbit yet! Oh God!
"Poundland Inflatable Saxophone".
Yeah, perfect moment! Why does this thing exist?
My mate is laughing his head off, he's just realise that I'm completely out of breath,
and now I've got to try and inflate a saxophone!
Where's the valve? Oh my God!
You know my left lung doesn't work properly, don't you? Genuinely!
It's probably going to kill me!
Oh God, hang on!
I can't inflate it!
[Hissing of Inflating Saxophone]
I'm so close to passing out, right now.
[Hissing]
You can't even see any of this on the bloody camera!
[Hissing]
Go, Go, Go!
That'll do!
Inflatable Saxophone, for all your bizarre Lisa Simpson fantasies, and for some reason,
it has what appears to be a dinner plate on it.
[Phone Alarm Sounds]
Oooh. And we're out of time.
I'm out breath, and very nearly out of life!
My goodness.
Let's never do that again.
I don't think I'll survive it.
[Laughs]
Well, that's a thing to do when the Uhh... Video you have planned can't be uploaded for
one reason or another, isn't it?
[Subtitles Created by Aran Fielder. Youtube: GoesAroundAndAround]