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It's hard to know when it's Eid nowadays as crazy as that might sound
Because every single year, every single time You always have that one mosque, that goes
"Okay everybody, gather round. Listen carefully"
"This year”
“According to our calculations”
We will be celebrating Eid, on Saturday. Khalaas, finish. Finish"
But then right across the street, you have another mosque that goes
"Hoy, don't listen to them. Total bakhwas"
"We will be celebrating Eid...on Friday. Jumah"
And I'm like "Wait, what?! Are you serious?"I don't know what to do, my heart is torn between these two mosques
I go to both regularly, I don't know what to do
So after a while, I end up flipping a coin...choosing one
And I follow the regular Eid tradition of texting all my friends and family, "Eid Mubarak! :)"
And they often reply like "Yeah I'm not celebrating Eid today"
and "Do I even know you? How'd you get this number?"
And I'm like "Whoa, I'll take my Eid Mubarak right back "You don't deserve it"
But this is what the mosques are doing to us, you know what I mean? They're dividing us. It's not right
I'm not complaining about double the Eid parties But we should still be celebrating it on one day
I'd figure after all these years, with all the technological advancements mankind has made
We'd atleast figure out, how to...you know see the moon
We've been able to send people TO the moon but come Eid time, we just can't see it
So one of my favourite pastimes and hobbies is watching bollywood movies with my parents
and making fun on every single scene that comes up because it is so easy!
Bollywood movies are absolutely ridiculous nowadays with all the overreacting
Like if someone gets punched
Flip three more times, over a building, through a hoop of fire, onto a car, that goes straight into the ocean
and that is an understatement....believe me
but Bollywood is starting to adopt the more Hollywood style of explicitly showing graphical content...
(Someone in the audience yells, "Astaghfirullah!") Exactly...exactly.
and inappropriate interactions with the opposite gender I tried to make that as Halal as possible...
but watching these scenes with my parents always gets so awkward!
But from my experience, I've learned that there's a few things people do
There's always the classic making small talk and sparking up a conversation to pass the time
Like when one of those scenes comes up...
"Oh wow. Why are they doing this in a middle of a dance? Weren't they just singing and dancing ten minutes ago?
There's also my personal favorite, uncomfortably looking around for the remote
and pretending like you're going to change the channel but you suddenly forget how to
"Oh, okay. Where's the remote? I swear it was JUST here. Why does this keep happening to me?"
"Oh wait, never mind. How does this thing work again?"
Even though you've owned the remote for more than five years now
But there's always the risky option of pretending like you're going to yawn
but you're trying to get a glimpse of what's going on onscreen
Because...you don't want to miss out You don't want to miss out on the storyline
if there is a "storyline" to begin with
But this never works out well for me with my parents
"What was that?!"
"Ay! You think I am not watching you? Trying to fool me?" "I am ALWAYS watching you"
"And If not me, then Allah is always watching"
and I'm like dang, because there's nothing to say
I'm really happy to be here, I'm really excited This is actually my first time on stage, telling jokes
so big shout out to UW MSA for inviting me
But I was actually really close to not being able to come at all
Because with my parents, wherever I go, even if it's to the convenience store down the street
I'm going to get asked a hundred thousand questions, no matter what
I was telling my mom about this event while she was watching her Indian dramas
and lesson learned, never interrupt your mom while they're watching their dramas
They will flip out, they will go crazy
I was like "Hey mom, can I talk to you for a few seconds?"
"What? What do you want? Huh? I come home do dishes, do laundry
I have ten, TEN minutes to watch drama" "and you want to talk to me? What do you want?"
"Oh sorry um, I was just wondering whether I can go to Waterloo this Thursday?"
"This Thursday? Are you kidding me? No way, you have work the next day. No, no way"
"You will be coming home at 2 am, I won't be able to sleep, eat No, nooo thank you.”
Why are you going anyways huh?"
"Oh I was just going to tell a few jokes...at a dinner lulz"
"Jokes? Jokes! First you start the YouTube and now you're telling jokes?"
"Are you going to make fool of yourself entire life? Or are you going to study?"
"You know Ishita aunty's daughter ALREADY has PHD"
"Wait, what? She has a PHD already? Thats...impossible! She's six years old! How...how is that possible?!"
"Okay...PHD, ADD...I'm not really sure, what she was saying..."
"Okay, forget that. Mr. Tough Guy. How do you plan on going anyways? I am not made of money, you know"
"Oh they're actually going to pay for my bus fare which is REALLY nice of them, by the way"
"Oh really, is that so? Okay, then you can go."
"But remember to call me when you leave, start eating, when you start...leaving again"
I want to thank you guys for being such an awesome audience! Remember to check out my YouTube channel out, iMadComedy ;)
I want to thank you guys once again Assalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuhu