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So I did go to that party last week. God, I feel like I'm still getting over it. I just
can't get it out of my head. When I was there, I was so stressed. Everyone was there. It
was so full on. And I just didn't know what to say to people. I keep having flashbacks
of conversations I tried to have. God, it was awful. They must have thought I was an
idiot or something. I mean I spent half the night locked in a laundry. My friends spent
ages looking for me. They were really angry with me actually. But I just, I don't know
how to explain to them how full on it is for me. Like they just wouldn't get it, 'cause
it's not happening to them, God. I really used to like going to parties.
And then, the other day Mum made me go shopping with her, and when I was in the supermarket,
I saw this guy that was at the party, and I freaked out. I mean I just went and hid
in the pet food aisle. And when I thought the coast was clear, he walked past me, and
I had to pretend I was engrossed in fish food. And I swear, my heart was beating so fast
that I thought I was gonna... It was gonna explode. And it felt like someone was sitting
on my chest, and I couldn't breathe, and I couldn't get them off, and it felt like I
was going to faint or something. And when Mum found me, my heart was beating really
fast, and I was sweating. And she said, " Laura you're as white as a ghost." And I didn't
even say anything, I mean I just had to get out of there.
And then in the car on the way home, she asked me what was wrong, and I just, I broke down.
And I don't even know what I... If what I said made sense. I just blurted it all out.
I told her everything about the party, and how I felt pressured to go, and how I was
freaking out all the time. And I told her it was like everyone else had been given a
manual on how to be a teenager except me. And it's like no one else seems to freak out
when their best pen breaks and, or they're fine if something unexpected happens. I just
seem to, I don't know, stress out when that happens. It's so embarrassing, and I just,
I would stop it if I could. I don't think Mum saw it coming, and she wasn't even angry
at me, which was amazing. She just kept telling me that she was really worried, and she thought
it would be a good idea if I went to the doctor. In a weird way, it was good telling Mum. But
like the idea of seeing my doctor makes me feel sick. I mean I don't think I could even
ever go back there. She'll probably think I'm a freak or something. Anyway, I got to go.