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[THINKING] SO HERE I AM...
SITTING ON A BOX
IN AN EMPTY APARTMENT
WITH A DEAD DOG
AND A SINGLE TEAR ON MY CHEEK.
I CAN'T HELP BUT WONDER HOW I GOT TO THIS PLACE.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS?
THESE ARE THE LAST 8 GUYS IN THE HOSPITAL
WHO DON'T REALIZE I SUCK AT BASKETBALL.
OK, SO HERE'S WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN.
I FINALLY MASTERED MY RUNNING HOOK SHOT, OK?
SO WHEN WE GO TO PICK TEAMS,
I'M GONNA HIT THAT SHOT.
THEN YOU SAY, "I'LL TAKE THAT GUY."
AT WHICH POINT, CARLA IS GONNA PAGE ME,
AND I'LL SAY, "CRAP, I GOTTA GO. "
AND YOU GO, "DAMN, WE JUST LOST THE BEST PLAYER OUT HERE."
THEN THERE'LL BE 8 GUYS IN THE HOSPITAL
WHO THINK I'M GOOD AT SPORTS
AND THE WORD WILL SPREAD.
WHEN DO YOU FIND TIME TO SEE YOUR PATIENTS?
BETWEEN THESE THOUGHTS.
OH. OK.
LET'S PLAY SOME BALL.
I GOT THAT GUY.
[BEEPING]
J.D.: THINGS WERE GOING BETTER FOR ELLIOT.
HER BOYFRIEND JAKE HAD GIVEN HER A NEWFOUND CONFIDENCE
TO DO THINGS SHE'D NEVER BEEN ABLE TO DO BEFORE.
OK, YOU READY TO DO THIS?
YOU KNOW IT.
LIKE TALKING TO PEOPLE WHILE SHE'S ON THE TOILET.
OK. I KNOW HOW COMFORTABLE YOU ARE WITH CARLA,
SO I'M GONNA HAVE HER DO THE TALKING, ALL RIGHT?
YOU JUST SAY WHEN.
Elliot: THERE'S CHEEKS ON THE SEAT
AND I'M FEELING GOOD.
LET'S HEAR IT.
HELLO, ELLIOT.
HOW ARE YOU DOING?
[GLASS BREAKING]
SHE WENT OUT THE WINDOW.
OH, BOB KELSO HERE BEFORE NOON?
THEY'RE EITHER GIVING AWAY FREE DOUGHNUTS AT THE CAFE
OR THERE'S AN ASIAN *** CONVENTION IN THE I.C.U.
IS NOW THE TIME I'M SUPPOSED TO BE EMBARRASSED
BECAUSE I LIKE FINE FOOD AND KOREAN CALL GIRLS?
WRITE THIS DOWN, PERRY: I'M OLD AND I HONESTLY DON'T CARE
WHAT PEOPLE THINK ABOUT ANYTHING I DO.
[FARTS]
THAT WAS ME, FOLKS.
NO, I'M HERE BECAUSE THE BUDGET'S A MESS.
TED'S NOT MAKING MUCH HEADWAY.
312 X 481 EQUALS...
SIR, IT'S NOT GIVING ME THE ANSWER.
IT'S A TYPEWRITER, YOU ***!
OH, GOD, IT'S GOT MY TIE!
[THUD]
BOB, THIS WHOLE THING IS ONLY GONNA TAKE A COUPLE OF DAYS,
SO WHY NOT LET JORDAN DO IT?
YES, SHE IS A MEMBER OF THE BOARD,
BUT, HELL, THAT ONLY GETS HER OUT OF THE HOUSE
ONCE EVERY COUPLE OF MONTHS OR SO.
AND I KNOW SHE LOVES OUR SON JACK WITH ALL HER HEART,
BUT I THINK SPENDING EVERY WAKING MOMENT WITH THE CHILD,
I THINK--I THINK IT'S STARTING TO GET TO HER.
I HATE YOU.
SO, WHAT DO YOU SAY THERE, BOB-O?
WELCOME ABOARD.
THIS WILL BE YOUR OFFICE FOR THE NEXT FEW DAYS.
TED, FIND SOMEPLACE ELSE TO WORK.
OH, MAN! NOT AGAIN!
IF YOU NEED SOME HAPPY PILLS,
THEY'RE IN THE TOP DRAWER.
IN THIS HELLHOLE, I'LL NEED A GUN.
BOTTOM LEFT.
YO, CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?
YEAH.
WHY ARE WE LYING IN THE PARKING LOT?
[SIREN]
YOUR HOOK SHOT KNOCKED YOU UNCONSCIOUS,
SO I LIED DOWN NEXT TO YOU
SO EVERYONE WOULD THINK WE WERE CHILLIN'.
OH, THANKS, S.C.B.
BY THE WAY, I SHOULD TELL YOU SOMETHING.
I FOUND AN APARTMENT.
I'M MOVING OUT THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW.
WOW.
YEAH.
WHAT DOES S.C.B. MEAN?
SUPER CHOCOLATE BEAR.
I LOVE IT.
I KNEW YOU WOULD.
♪ I CAN'T DO THIS ALL ON MY OWN ♪
♪ NO, I KNOW ♪
♪ I'M NO SUPERMAN ♪
SOMEONE STOLE A WHOLE CASE OF LAXATIVES
FROM THE SUPPLY CLOSET.
DON'T LOOK AT ME.
I'M AS REGULAR AS RAIN.
WHO WANTS A PIECE OF PIE?
WHO MADE IT?
LET'S SAY MY MOM.
[THINKING] AS A DOCTOR, YOU GET GOOD AT PIECING THINGS TOGETHER.
WHO WANTS A PIECE OF PIE?
THIS ONE WAS OBVIOUS.
NO, THANK YOU.
FREE PIE? HELL, YEAH.
OHH.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TWO HAVE LIVED TOGETHER FOR 12 YEARS.
DO YOU REMEMBER OUR FIRST DAY TOGETHER?
YO, THEY CALL ME CHRIS ONE.
WHAT'S THE DEALIO?
WELCOME TO OUR LAIR.
I'M AN EIGHTH-LEVEL OGRE MAGI
WITH INVISIBILITY,
AND THIS IS RANDAL.
YOU WERE SUCH A DORK. HA HA HA HA!
I'M GLAD NOTHING ELSE AROUND HERE'S CHANGING.
THIS IS THE TIME OF YEAR WHERE EVERYBODY LEAVES FOR NEW JOBS,
BUT TURK'S GOT ANOTHER YEAR OF RESIDENCY.
YEAH, AND J.D. AND I JUST TOOK POSITIONS HERE AS STAFF INTERNISTS.
WAS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED TO DO?
THERE WAS AN ENDOCRINOLOGY FELLOWSHIP
WITH THIS AMAZING DOCTOR OVER AT COUNTY,
BUT IT'S A LITTLE OVER MY HEAD.
SO YOU TOOK A FALLBACK JOB
'CAUSE YOU WERE AFRAID TO GO FOR IT?
UH, JAKE, IS IT?
YEAH, IT'S--
I KNOW YOUR NAME, JAKE. I'M BEING CONDESCENDING.
IT'S JAKE, RIGHT?
LOOK, NO ONE HERE IS SETTLING.
HERE AT SACRED HEART, YOU GET TO WORK
WITH SOME OF THE FINEST DOCTORS IN THE COUNTRY.
OUT OF MY WAY!
I GOT A DOOZY OF A TWO-SIE!
ALL RIGHT, THEN.
BEFORE WE JUMP INTO ROUNDS,
I SEE IT'S TIME FOR MY ANNUAL COLOGNE INTERVENTION.
LONNIE, YOU'RE KILLING US.
AND HONESTLY, WHAT'S THE POINT?
DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT NO MATTER HOW BADLY
YOU WANT TO GET FREAKY WITH KAREN HERE,
THAT'S JUST NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
AND HERE'S WHY:
SHE THINKS YOU HAVE THE BODY OF A FETUS.
OH, KAREN, DID YOU TELL ME THAT IN CONFIDENCE?
NO, HE KNOWS.
SHE DREW ME A PICTURE.
DON'T SWEAT IT TOO MUCH, KID.
HE WORE SO MUCH COLOGNE ON OUR FIRST DATE,
I HAD TO SELL MY MIATA.
WHY?
FOR FUNSIES.
[WHISTLES] HEEL.
THANK YOU FOR THAT.
KEEP MOVING, FETUS-FACE.
COME HERE, BOY! COME ON, ROWDY!
NO, YOU COME HERE, EAT YOUR STEAK!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WELL, WHOEVER ROWDY GOES TO FIRST,
HE GETS TO KEEP HIM.
ROWDY, IF YOU COME TO ME,
I'LL SCRATCH YOUR SPECIAL REGION.
SO YOU MOVED BACK ALL THE FURNITURE
AND DEFROSTED OUR DINNER WITH YOUR SWEATY HANDS
FOR A JOKE?
YEAH, WE DID.
IF HE STAYS, I'LL DRIVE HIM
OUT TO THE COUNTRY AND LEAVE HIM THERE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TALKED ME INTO THIS.
I WILL NEVER GET THIS FELLOWSHIP.
I DON'T INTERVIEW WELL.
IT'S THE REASON I DIDN'T GET INTO HARVARD.
THE SECOND THE PROFESSOR ASKED ME
WHAT I HOPED TO ACCOMPLISH IN COLLEGE,
MY NOSE STARTED BLEEDING, AND I SNEEZED
AND SPLATTERED HIS SHIRT WITH BLOOD.
DAMN IT, ELLIOT, HOW MANY PEOPLE
DO YOU HAVE TO TALK TO WHILE YOU'RE PEEING
BEFORE YOU START BELIEVING IN YOURSELF?
YOU'RE RIGHT.
SO, WHY ARE YOU INTERESTED IN THIS FELLOWSHIP?
[SNEEZES]
WELL, FIRST OFF, I HAVE INCREDIBLE PASSION
FOR THE WORK YOU'RE DOING.
I'VE HEARD THAT YOU'RE AN AMAZING DOCTOR,
AND I WOULD BE HONORED TO HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY
TO WORK WITH YOU, MR. GOLD.
HAVE A GREAT DAY, HONEY.
YOU HAVE EVEN A BETTER ONE, YOU.
YOU DO IT! YEAH, YEAH.
YOU HAVE EVEN A BETTER ONE.
[SIGHS WEARILY]
PERRY, I GET THE FEELING SOMETHING IS BOTHERING YOU.
BOB, PEOPLE HAVE A PRIVATE LIFE,
AND PEOPLE HAVE A PROFESSIONAL LIFE,
AND, USUALLY, THOSE 2 HELLS ARE KEPT PRETTY SEPARATE.
FOR INSTANCE, I DON'T KNOW THAT MUCH ABOUT YOUR HOME LIFE,
OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT YOU TREAT YOUR WIFE LIKE A DOG,
YOUR DOG LIKE A WIFE, AND YOUR SON
LIKE AN ANDROGYNOUS NE'ER-DO-WELL
WHO DRAINS YOUR RETIREMENT NEST EGG
TO OPEN UP A YARN SHOP IN MINNEAPOLIS.
HARRISON POSTED HIS FIRST PROFIT THIS QUARTER.
ACES.
AND I'M GUESSING THAT'S BECAUSE
TERRENCE.
TERRENCE DOESN'T FOLLOW HIM AROUND THE SHOP ALL DAY,
TELLING HIM JUST EXACTLY WHAT COLOR IS IN THIS SEASON,
OR SHOWING ALL OF THE OTHER EMPLOYEES
THAT HE IS NOT, IN FACT, THE BOSS OF HIS OWN LIFE.
YOU SEE, THE WOMAN IS EVERYWHERE.
SHE'S THERE WHEN I WORK OUT IN THE MORNING,
WHEN I WORK OUT IN THE CAR ON THE WAY TO WORK,
AND WHEN I WORK OUT WHEN I GET TO WORK.
I CAN'T SEEM TO GET AWAY FROM HER,
AND THAT USED TO BE FINE WHEN SHE JUST CAME AROUND
FOR 5 MINUTES EVERY MONTH OR SO TO FEED ON MY DIGNITY,
BUT NOW, I'D HONESTLY KILL MYSELF, BOB,
IF I WASN'T CONVINCED THAT JORDAN WOULDN'T ALREADY BE THERE
WAITING FOR ME IN THE AFTERLIFE.
YOU SEE, TYPICAL OF HER,
SHE WENT AHEAD AND SIGNED US UP
FOR AN ETERNAL TANDEM BIKE RIDE
ALL ALONG THE BANKS OF THE RIVER STYX.
I'M SO GLAD YOU SHARED.
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE THIS A FULL TIME JOB?
I'LL HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT.
HOW COULD YOU NOT SEE THIS COMING?
*** JUST GOT IN THE SHOWER.
LET THE GAMES BEGIN.
WHO THE HELL PUT BOUILLION CUBES IN THE SHOWERHEAD?!
HUH? DID YOU DO IT? HMM? DID YOU?!
IF IT HAPPENS AGAIN,
I WILL WAIT IN MY S.U.V.,
BLAST ME SOME SPEED METAL, 5.1 SURROUND SOUND,
HEAVY ON THE BASS,
AND SOMEONE WILL BE GETTING MOWED DOWN.
HEH HEH.
♪ DOO-DOO-DOO ♪
*** IS CRAZY.
I'M REALLY GONNA MISS THIS KIND OF STUFF.
WHY? WE'LL STILL BE ABLE
TO PULL PRANKS ON HIM AFTER YOU MOVE OUT.
YEAH, BUT WE WON'T BE STAYING UP TILL 6:00 IN THE MORNING
PLANNING ANYTHING AS GENIUS AS THE SOUP SHOWER.
THIS IS THE END OF AN ERA, SUPER CHOC.
YOU KNOW HOW YOU'RE PRONE TO OVERLY SENSITIVE
GIRLY DISPLAYS OF SENTIMENTALITY?
GUILTY.
OK, NOW, IF YOU REEL IT BACK A LITTLE BIT,
I'LL GET SOMEBODY TO COVER FOR ME TONIGHT,
AND I'LL HELP YOU PACK YOUR STUFF.
OH, CAN WE CUT WORDS OUT OF MAGAZINES
THAT REPRESENT HOW WE FEEL ABOUT EACH OTHER,
AND GLUE THEM INTO A "FRIENDS FOREVER" COLLAGE?
HELL, NO.
OH. CAN WE DRINK BEERS AND REMINISCE?
HELL, YES.
THAT'S ALL I WANTED TO DO ANYWAY.
[THINKING] PLUS, I ALREADY MADE THE COLLAGE.
NOW LISTEN TO ME.
YOU GOTTA MAKE TONIGHT COUNT
'CAUSE YOU'LL NEVER BE AS COOL AS YOU WERE
WHEN YOU WERE ROLLIN' WITH THE BIG DOG AS A ROOMMATE, YOU KNOW?
[THINKING] NO, I DIDN'T KNOW.
WELL, MAYBE JAKE SHOULDN'T HAVE PUSHED YOU
INTO THAT INTERVIEW.
MAYBE I SHOULD'VE COVERED MY MOUTH
WHEN I SNEEZED BLOOD THE SECOND TIME.
OH, COME ON, ELLIOT.
HE'S ALWAYS TELLING YOU WHAT TO DO.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
[DOOR BUZZER]
HEY, IT'S JAKE. BUZZ ME UP.
OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE RIGHT.
DON'T LET HIM BE YOUR PUPPET MASTER.
HEY.
HEY.
WHAT'S UP?
I HAVE A HEADACHE.
TAKE SOME ASPIRIN.
DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO.
YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME.
OK, WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
SO, DO YOU THINK I SHOULD TAKE THE JOB?
PERRY?
OH, I'M SORRY, HONEY.
I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT THIS LITTLE BOY IN HERE.
HE'S ONLY 8 YEARS OLD, AND HE'S TERMINAL.
I JUST HOPE HIS PARENTS
SPENT AS MUCH TIME WITH HIM AS THEY COULD.
YOU'RE HERE ONE MINUTE, AND THEN THE NEXT, YOU'RE...
WHAT, UH, WHAT WERE YOU SAYING?
NOTHING.
STICK YOUR HAND OUT.
GOOD MAN.
GET YOURSELF SOME ICE CREAM. GO ON, GET OUT OF HERE.
HEY! OH. OH, HA HA HA HA.
J.D., I GOT A MONDO 82-INCH PIZZA WITH OUR NAMES ON IT!
DUDE! IT'S HU...
[KNOCKING]
DUDE, WHAT THE HELL? WE'RE SUPPOSED TO HANG,
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU MOVED OUT?
J.D.: IT'S HARD TO HIDE YOUR EMOTIONS
IN FRONT OF PEOPLE WHO KNOW YOU WELL...
[RINGS]
ANSWER IT.
[RING]
OR DON'T.
HELLO.
J.D.: LIKE EXCITEMENT ABOUT A NEW JOB...
I GOT THE FELLOWSHIP.
HEY!
[BOTH LAUGH]
OR DISAPPOINTMENT ABOUT A LOST OPPORTUNITY.
I'M SORRY, BOB. I CAN'T TAKE THE JOB.
MAYBE NEXT YEAR.
AS FOR ME, I JUST DIDN'T WANT TURK TO KNOW
THAT HE'D HURT MY FEELINGS.
I DON'T KNOW. I FIGURED IT WASN'T THAT BIG A DEAL.
HEY, I'M PRETTY TIRED FROM THE MOVE,
SO I'M PROBABLY JUST GONNA CRASH.
I'M FAMISHED.
MORNING.
YEAH.
[THINKING] TURK DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE
HE PISSED ME OFF, SO EXPLAINING MY FEELINGS TO HIM
WAS THE SMART MOVE.
I TOOK A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT TACK.
THAT SEAT'S TAKEN, ***-FACE.
BY WHO?
HELLO THERE, CHOCOLATE BEAR 2.
***?! J.D., WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON HERE?
I REPLACED YOUR ***.
BY THE BY, JOHNNY TOLD ME THAT YOU WERE RESPONSIBLE
FOR MY BROTHY SHOWER THE OTHER DAY.
IF IT HAPPENS AGAIN...
I'M GONNA TAKE ONE OF YOUR FINGERS.
THAT'LL BE MY FUNNY PRANK.
*** IS CRAZY.
OH, SORRY. OLD HABIT.
J.D.: I WASN'T THE ONLY UNHAPPY PERSON IN OUR HOSPITAL FAMILY.
SURE, JAKE, I'LL TELL YOU WHY IT FEELS LIKE I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH YOU.
THE FACT THAT ELLIOT JUMPS SO HIGH WHENEVER YOU TELL HER TO
MAY SEEM HARMLESS, BUT AS A RESULT,
SHE'S BEEN STEALING ALL MY SPORTS BRAS.
SERIOUSLY! THE ONLY ONE I HAVE LEFT IS THE ONE I'M WEARING,
AND IT WORKS GREAT. SEE? HUH?
IT WORKS PRETTY NICELY.
IT DOES, RIGHT?
BUT...IF I WANNA JUMP UP AND DOWN AGAIN THIS WEEK,
I'M STUCK UNTIL LAUNDRY DAY.
OK, I'M OBVIOUSLY GONNA HAVE TO GUESS WHAT YOUR POINT IS HERE,
BUT I THINK IT'S THAT I CONTROL ELLIOT, WHICH I DON'T.
HERE. WATCH THIS.
ELLIOT, WILL YOU SHOVE THAT GUY?
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
I WAS TRYING TO PROVE YOU DON'T DO EVERYTHING I SAY.
WELL, CLUE ME IN, STUD.
THAT WAS CREEPY CARL. HE RUNS AN UPSKIRT WEBSITE.
I'M ON IT.
OH!
OOH.
OH, YEAH, TED. I MOVED THE FILE CABINET.
I'M GONNA MISS THIS OFFICE.
WHY? IT SMELLS LIKE THAT ODD COMBO
OF FLOP SWEAT, HOPELESSNESS, AND FEET.
YEAH, I KNOW. IT'S JUST...
I GUESS THIS STUPID JOB MADE ME FEEL VALID AGAIN.
YOU KNOW?
YOU DON'T KNOW.
IT'S OK. SEE YOU AT HOME.
WHO'S READY FOR A PIE BREAK?
COME ON. WHY NOT?
WHY DON'T YOU ASK TODD?
DUE TO WHAT CAN ONLY BE DESCRIBED AS EPIC DIARRHEA,
HE'S BEEN ON AN I.V. DRIP FOR 36 HOURS.
MAKE IT STOP 5.
[THINKING] MAYBE I WAS BEING UNFAIR TO TURK.
MAYBE IT'S TOO MUCH TO EXPECT A FRIEND TO JUST SENSE THAT YOU'RE UPSET
AND WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
CARLA, I CAN SENSE YOU'RE UPSET.
TALK TO ME.
OK, BUT TURK'S A PRIDEFUL GUY,
AND IT'S HARD FOR PRIDEFUL GUYS
TO ADMIT WHEN THEY'VE BEEN INSENSITIVE.
LISTEN, JORDAN, I'VE BEEN INCREDIBLY INSENSITIVE.
TOUCHÉ, MAGIC HALLWAY.
BOTTOM LINE, I SHOULD'VE HAD MORE FAITH IN MY FRIEND TO COME THROUGH FOR ME.
TURK!
NO, IT'S ME, ***, VANILLA BEAR.
HA HA!
*** IS CRAZY.
SO, ***, THIS IS IT.
THEN THINGS TOOK A TURN.
SAY, WHERE'S ROWDY?
"I'M AT THE HOSPITAL"?
THERE HE IS!
THERE HE IS!
OK, HE'S GOING UP. I'LL TAKE THE STAIRS.
YOU DON'T LET ANYONE OUT OF THAT ELEVATOR, OK?
BE STRONG, ***.
I'LL TRY.
SO WHERE'S CHOCOLATE BEAR NUMBER 2?
WHO ELSE THINKS THEY'RE FASTER THAN ME, HUH?
HUH?
YO, *** IS SERIOUSLY CRAZY.
HOO HOO HOO HOO.
LOOK, CARLA, JAKE MAKES ME HAPPY.
PLUS THERE'S A DECENT CHANCE
HE'LL BE MY SECOND SERIOUS BOYFRIEND
NOT TO END UP IN BED WITH MY MOM OR MY BROTHER BARRY.
AND HE DOESN'T ALWAYS TELL ME WHAT TO DO.
I MEAN, SURE, HE DID TELL ME TO COME UP HERE AND TALK TO YOU,
BUT I WAS GONNA DO THAT ANYWAY 'CAUSE I WANTED TO ASK YOU
IF I SHOULD WEAR *** HEELS OR FLATS WITH MY PINK SKIRT
WHEN WE GO CELEBRATE MY NEW JOB TONIGHT.
BUT INSTEAD I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS.
LOOK! I THOUGHT YOU WERE STAYING, OK?
I'VE BEEN HERE FOR 11 YEARS,
AND IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME STORY.
I GET REALLY CLOSE TO SOMEONE, AND THEY MOVE ON.
I DON'T WANT TO BE 50 MAKING FRIENDS WITH THE NEW 25-YEAR-OLD INTERNS, ELLIOT.
THEY'LL MAKE FUN OF ME WHEN WE GO DANCING.
NOT IF I GO WITH YOU.
AND THEN THEY KISS?
SORRY.
LOOK AT HIM. WHAT AN ANGEL.
DOWN, HE'S WAKING UP.
HEY, JORDAN, UM...
LOOKIT, I TRIED TO GUILT YOU INTO NOT TAKING THAT JOB.
REALLY?
LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO BE ONE OF THOSE MOMS
THAT NEVER SEES HER KIDS,
BUT I ALSO DON'T WANT TO BE ONE OF THOSE MOMS
THAT STAYS AT HOME BUT THEN RESENTS HER KIDS
'CAUSE SHE WISHES SHE WAS WORKING
SO SHE COULD GO TO AN OFFICE
AND FEEL BAD ABOUT NOT BEING AT HOME WITH HER KIDS.
I WAS JUST WORRIED
THAT YOU WOULD THINK I WAS A BAD MOM.
SWEETIE,
YOU ARE AN EVIL, SOULLESS,
CHEMICALLY ENHANCED BATTLE-AX
THAT I TRULY DOUBT IS 100% HUMAN, BUT...
YOU ARE AN AMAZING MOM.
JUST SAY YOU'RE SORRY, GIVE ME A HUG, AND THIS'LL ALL BE OVER.
WHY DO I HAVE TO SAY I'M SORRY?
DUDE, I DON'T MEAN TO SOUND GIRLY,
BUT FOR THE LAST 12 YEARS,
YOU'VE PRACTICALLY BEEN LIKE MY WIFE.
HOW IS THAT GIRLY?
LOOK, BEFORE, WHEN YOU SAID I'D NEVER BE AS COOL
AS WHEN I WAS LIVING WITH YOU,
YOU KNOW THERE'S SOME TRUTH TO THAT.
I'M SORTA LIKE ODD AND GEEKY AND...
YOU'VE ALWAYS SORT OF VALIDATED ME.
J.D., YOU'RE JUST MOVING OUT.
WELL, SAY THINGS WILL BE THE SAME.
[PAGER BEEPS]
THAT'S CARLA. I GOTTA GO.
YOU'RE RIGHT. THINGS ARE GONNA BE DIFFERENT.
BUT DIFFERENT DOESN'T ALWAYS MEAN BAD.
JUST MEANS DIFFERENT.
OK.
ALL RIGHT.
NO BETTER PICK-ME-UP THAN A NICE SLICE OF MOM'S PIE.
WHY ARE YOU SO OBSESSED WITH THIS?!
I DON'T KNOW. I THINK IT'S 'CAUSE THIS TIME,
I WASN'T TRYING TO MESS WITH YOU.
REALLY?
REALLY.
HUH?
J.D.: WHO WOULD DO THIS TO HIMSELF?
Janitor: TOTALLY WORTH IT.
AS EVERY PIECE OF FOOD
I'D PUT INTO MY BODY IN THE LAST YEAR
WAS RUSHING OUT OF ME, IT GOT ME THINKING.
THE WAY SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE SHINES A LIGHT ON THE THINGS THAT DO.
LIKE WHEN A NEW PERSON COMES INTO THE HOSPITAL TO STAY...
[DR. *** WHISTLES SHARPLY]
MY OFFICE KEYS, TED.
CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ACTUALLY DOING THIS.
YOU'LL MEET ME OUT LATER, RIGHT?
OR AN OLD FRIEND LEAVES FOR GOOD.
SOMETIMES THE BIGGEST CHANGES ARE A RESULT OF AN IMPULSIVE DECISION.
I THINK WE SHOULD HAVE A BABY.
HMM?
WHAT?
I KNOW YOU'RE FEELING ABANDONED RIGHT NOW,
BUT WE JUST WENT THROUGH A REALLY ROUGH SPOT,
AND I'M NOT THE TYPE OF GUY TO MAKE LIFE-CHANGING DECISIONS
WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT IT FOR AT LEAST, LIKE,
A FEW MONTHS.
LET'S MAKE A BABY.
AND SO HERE I AM,
A GUY IN AN EMPTY APARTMENT WITH A DEAD DOG.
OH, AND THAT'S NOT A TEAR ON MY CHEEK.
THAT'S JUST FROM THE LEAK IN MY CEILING.
AND, YES, CHANGE IS SCARY,
BUT IT'S ALSO INEVITABLE.
IT'S UP TO YOU TO MAKE THE BEST OF IT.
I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE OPPORTUNITY'S JUST GONNA FALL INTO YOUR LAP.
AAH!
HOWDY, NEIGHBOR, I'M JONATHAN.
HI.
YOU EYEBALLIN' MY WOMAN?
I HATE CHANGE.