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It's been so long since we heard from any offended Muslims
I was beginning to think that they had come to their senses and
realised that nobody outside the media bubble gives a damn
how they feel about anything, but no, they're back
and suddenly it seems like every time you turn around
there's a new group of hysterical Muslims demanding
apologies and retribution over some trivial matter
that nobody in their right mind would dream of taking seriously,
whether it's a pop music video, or a satirical newspaper article,
or the ever reliable cartoon of Mohammed.
That's the prophet Mohammed, of course.
You must have heard of him, and wished you hadn't.
I don't think it's fair that Muslims should carry so much of
the burden of being offended by stuff.
It's not doing much for their reputation.
So I think the rest of us should show them some support
by being offended, too, whenever possible.
We all have the right to be offended, of course, and now that
Islam is here throwing its weight around we all have plenty to be offended about.
So what are we waiting for? I'll get the ball rolling then, shall I? OK.
I'm offended by Islamic supremacism (a bit of an obvious one, admittedly)
especially when they lie about it and call it multiculturalism.
That really offends me. I'm offended by the sneaky way
Islamic activists exploit western guilt to invoke a spurious victimhood
and claim multiple concessions that impinge on the lives of others -
ridiculous concessions that no other religion would get, or even ask for.
Special food that everyone has to eat.
Special clothes that threaten the security of others.
Special social conditions that insult and divide people unnecessarily.
Special conditions at work that tread on everyone else's toes.
And special treatment before the law. If you burn a Koran in Britain
you'll be arrested as a criminal. If you burn a Bible, you won't.
I'm offended by that.
I'm offended by Islamic values generally. I find them
deeply morally offensive. Profoundly so when it comes to women.
I would like to tell you just how offensive,
but I don't have the vocabulary to really do it justice,
so let's just say that on a scale of offence from one to ten
I'd put it at around a hundred. No, a thousand.
So, if you're a potentially offended Muslim, rest assured
that nothing I say about your religion could possibly
offend you any more than your religion has already
offended me, many, many times over.
Be offended by all means, if that's what you want to do,
but a word to the wise, whatever you do, don't embarrass yourself
by making up a phoney mental illness and trying to pin it on people to shut them up.
Oh, too late. You already have.
How deeply humiliating for you, and how offensive to the rest of us.
In fairness, we should be grateful that most of the Muslims
who live in Britain are not that easy to offend.
If they were, we wouldn't be able to do or say anything at all,
because virtually everything about western society
offends the religion of Islam, so any Muslim
who really wants to be offended only has to walk down the street,
and he can be in high dudgeon before he reaches the corner.
So we should be glad that most of them are not like that,
but some are, and one is too many.
By the way, you'll notice that I said "he" just now.
Of course I realise that there are female Muslims who like to be offended,
but we have to remember that a woman is worth only half a man,
and I don't want to shortchange anybody here.
If you're a Muslim who lives in Britain
and if you find that your beliefs get insulted now and then,
that's not very nice, but my advice is to laugh it off and forget about it.
Mark it down to the robust exchange of ideas and opinions
that have made western society the most vibrant and successful
on the planet, and thank your lucky stars you live here,
as I do every day.
If your beliefs get insulted a lot, on the other hand,
that's a different matter, but it's got nothing to do
with anybody else having a phobia. It's because
there's something wrong with your beliefs, and if you can't see that
then there's something wrong with you.
You are the one with the phobia. You are the one with the mental disorder.
You are the one with the problem, and you and your beliefs
are the problem for everyone else.
And I'm talking here specifically to the professional crybabies of Islam,
people like the Muslim Council of Britain,
and all these other self-appointed loudmouths who grab
every opportunity, however ridiculous or artificial, to be offended.
Let me do you people a favour
by telling you what the media wouldn't dream of telling you, because it's the truth.
Nobody cares about your feelings.
We're all sick and tired of hearing about you and your poxy feelings.
We look at the trivial things that offend you,
and the vile things that don't offend you,
and we have nothing but contempt for you and your feelings.
We're glad you're offended, and we hope you work yourself into
such a state of righteous apoplexy that you literally explode.
But most of all we wish (oh how we wish)
that you would take that *** religion of yours,
and those precious feelings, and shove them right up your Khyber Pass.
That's how people in Britain really feel,
and if you don't believe me, just ask them,
preferably in a pub, as alcohol (God bless it)
has a way of bringing out the truth, feelings or no feelings.
Islam's reputation is being cemented today for generations to come
by this current crop of professional complainers and privilege-seekers.
It's almost as if they want their religion to be unpopular.
How else do you explain their behaviour?
Are they really too stupid to see the damage they're doing?
Or are they just too happy wallowing in their fake victimhood to care?
Every decent Muslim in Britain should be cursing these people,
these self-appointed "community leaders" who claim to represent them,
yet whose behaviour has made their religion so resented and so despised.
These people are the reason that so many of us in the West
who were formerly neutral about Islam
now feel that we've seen it's true intolerant, ugly, devious face,
and we will never trust it or respect it again.
That's what these people have done for your religion, Muslims.
With friends like that, who needs the BNP?