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Ladies and gentlemen, I want you to put your hands together
once again because a funny gentleman--
he's got a bag of funny, Mr. Keith Wann!
(audience hoots and applauds)
How you doin'?
So my name is Keith and I just found out
that's how you pronounce it correctly.
Having parents who are Deaf and not able to speak,
they always told me my name was "Keee!"
(audience laughs)
And, actually, it was different growing up with Deaf parents.
For the first eight years of my life, I thought they were just ignoring me.
(audience laughs)
Cuz' usually when a baby cries, parents will respond and feed them.
I used to go for three or four days without being fed.
My mom always said, "Sorry. Didn't hear you."
(audience laughs)
Cuz' usually ten month old babies are starting to learn their first word.
I was already self sufficient.
I knew how to call for pizza.
Hello? Yeah, it's the Deaf people's kid.
-(audience laughs) -Yeah. Pepperoni.
What? Something to drink? I don't know, breast milk?
(audience laughs)
It's okay. I got even with my mom later on.
During the dinner time I used to sit at the table
and convince my dad she was a bad cook.
I would pass gas and watch him react.
-(audience laughs) -(Keith sniffs)
This meatloaf smells like crap.
(audience laughs)
Usually, growing up, when my friends found out my parents were Deaf,
they started asking me stupid questions like,
"How do Deaf people drive?"
"How do Deaf people have sex?"
"How do Deaf people eat?"
I'd be all, "Dude. Just like they have sex. Sloppy and loud!"
(audience laughs)
Feel bad, though. I got in an argument with my mom this morning.
Well, a couple weeks ago she accused me of not calling her enough.
And, again, I said, "Mom, you're not hearing the phone ring."
So what I did is I went out and bought her one of those web-cams
for her to hook up to her computer so that I could see her
use sign language to me over the internet.
Apparently my roommate used my computer last night without me knowing
and he wanted to call one of those sex chat rooms
and he accidentally redialed and called my mom.
(audience laughs)
And that's what my mom and I were arguing about this morning.
I guess she overcharged him.
(audience laughs)
Speaking of charging, iTunes charges you 99 cents a song.
So now you can just download that one song you like.
You don't have to buy that whole sucky album anymore.
I think it should be retroactive.
So I started contacting all the music artists
from the 80's and demanded a refund.
So far a flock of seagulls has given me ten dollars.
(audience laughs)
M.C. Hammer wrote me an IOU.
Vanilla Ice was just happy I called him an artist.
(audience laughs)
So the other day I was surfing the internet,
looking for outrageous *** pictures to send to my family and friends
on my Top Five Fave, and all these windows kept popping up
and I had to register to see their libraries, their exclusive libraries.
And I accidentally registered on a sex offender website.
Just to tell you, they had the worst pictures.
They were all head shots.
(audience laughs)
Actually, I need to clean my act up.
First thing I'm gonna do is stop looking at my roommate's playboy magazines.
Those things are starting to get disgusting.
What they're doing with those naked women;
they're wrapping them up with snakes
through their arms and through their legs.
It's just--I can't look anymore!
The other day I'm walking down 5th Avenue
and this woman passes me and I got aroused.
And it had nothing to do with her big, perky ***!
But you should have seen that alligator hand bag she was holding.
(audience laughs)
I was doing something gay the other day.
(audience laughs)
Cuz' my friend looked at me and said, "Dude, that's gay."
And that scared me because my gaydar didn't go off.
Then I started wondering, "What other radars do I have that don't work?"
Like a few years ago before I met my ex-wife
it would have been nice to have "psycho ***-dar".
(audience laughs)
When does a *** become a ***?
What is the chain of command?
I would think it goes something like this:
Easy call, *** call, easy lay, ***, ex-wife, ***.
(audience laughs)
I would've switched the last two but my friends
would've wanted their money back too after they slept with her.
(audience laughs)
So I got divorced, moved to New York, and the first thing
I noticed was the clothing style on women here are different.
In California they wear sundresses and bikinis and sandals;
things that are easy to take off for that one night stand.
Here the women wear layers upon layers upon layers of clothing.
I took a New York woman home one night;
it took me 30 minutes to take her scarf off.
I was uncovering her clothes like the rings of growth on a Red Wood tree.
I came across a historical marker showing how far the last guy got.
(audience laughs)
My one night stand became a next day nooner.
(audience laughs)
I actually got engaged. I've been engaged for about a year.
Not even set the wedding and all our friends are starting
to give us a hard time, saying, "You need to have children."
My mom's even saying,
(in "deaf" accent) "Keith, you need to have children."
(audience laughs)
I told my mom, she didn't like my answer.
"Mom, it's not that easy."
"By the time I go to an elementary school,
grab a little girl, throw her in a trunk,
the Amber Alert's already told the world I'm a new father."
I wanted to surprise some of my friends.
(audience laughs)
So we're thinking about adopting.
Probably going to adopt in another country though.
We don't want no American crack baby.
(audience laughs)
Except the problem is every time I look
in catelogue and try to find the kid we like,
Angelina Jolie's already signed her name next
to them and it says, "Sale pending."
(audience laughs)
Thank you very much. That's my time.
(audience claps and cheers)
Mr. Keith Wann!
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