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MALE SPEAKER: God, you wouldn't believe how tiring it
is to build a school from the ground up in a town that has
no electricity.
FEMALE SPEAKER: But when you finish, you really feel like
you've released all of your creative and emotional juices.
MALE SPEAKER: Um yeah, all over the kids.
You know what I'm saying?
It's a hard feeling to describe.
You're like Bub-bub-buh.
So how are you guys doing?
MALE SPEAKER: I'm basically doing pretty much what you're
doing, out helping kids.
FEMALE SPEAKER: Oh really?
MALE SPEAKER: Yeah really, Deb.
Ha ha yeah.
When a kid opens up a pack of Topps baseball cards and finds
like, a Dustin Pedroia rookie, you know it's almost better
than like building a school from the ground up because
there's gum inside.
It's ***.
FEMALE SPEAKER: Ew.
I would never use the word *** and children in the
same sentence.
MALE SPEAKER: Yeah, that's kind of gross.
FEMALE SPEAKER: See?
He's not helping anybody.
MALE SPEAKER: Oh, and buying a $4000 purse is?
FEMALE SPEAKER: $25 of that went to breast cancer.
MALE SPEAKER: My wife, the humanitarian of the year.
FEMALE SPEAKER: You know how some people have to make a
choice between, are we going to make a lot of money, am I
going to help people?
This guy does neither.
MALE SPEAKER: Actually Deb, that's not entirely true.
We're working on a project right now at
Topps for the kids.
MALE SPEAKER: It's a contest.
MALE SPEAKER: Well less of a contest, and more of a chance
for us to kind of play God with some sick boy's dreams.
MALE SPEAKER: Or girl.
It could be a girl.
MALE SPEAKER: Or a girl.
We haven't fleshed that out yet, so--
MALE SPEAKER: We'll flesh that out.
MALE SPEAKER: We will.
And then I think it will all end with maybe a tour of the
Topps company.
MALE SPEAKER: Yes.
MALE SPEAKER: Sounds philanthropic.
MALE SPEAKER: It is philanthropic.
That's why we love it so much.
MALE SPEAKER: Do you guys have a guest room we can borrow?
FEMALE SPEAKER: Or a shower?
MALE SPEAKER: We just want to mull this idea over.
We'll just go.
FEMALE SPEAKER: Take this.
MALE SPEAKER: They're walking into our bedroom.
FEMALE SPEAKER: Someone should use it.
MALE SPEAKER: Deb this pilaf is great.
FEMALE SPEAKER: Oh you had to open your mouth.
MALE SPEAKER: Or did you dust it with
something like Mrs. Dash?
FEMALE SPEAKER: What don't you get?
MALE SPEAKER: Was it me or did they
sexualize UNICEF last night?
MALE SPEAKER: It was you.
And they did.
MALE SPEAKER: Excuse me.
I just finished reading all your emails, can one of you
explain to me how giving tours to sick kids is going to make
us any money during a recession?
MALE SPEAKER: Do unto others my brother.
That's currency for your conscience.
MALE SPEAKER: I don't know what that means Greg.
MALE SPEAKER: Well it means we like renting space from
companies that share our Christian idea of charity.
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): It's a write off.
MALE SPEAKER: We might want to renew our lease.
MALE SPEAKER: Get me some sick kids.
And don't screw this up.
MALE SPEAKER: OK, where are we going to find some sick kids?
MALE SPEAKER: Oh that's easy.
Auditions.
MALE SPEAKER: There we go.
MALE SPEAKER: Don't sexualize that.
MALE
SPEAKER: OK [BEEP]
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Look sicker Logan.
That sucked Logan.
[SCREAMING]
RORY: Hi.
My name's Rory, and I have juvenile onset diabetes.
I love baseball and I love life, even though I can't
regulate my own insulin.
MALE SPEAKER: There we go.
RORY: I don't have a lot of friends, but baseball cards
have always been there for me.
Being--
MALE SPEAKER: Yes.
That's our kid.
RORY: I guess you could say it's the bottom of the ninth
for this guy.
And I'm looking to hit one last home run.
MALE SPEAKER: Let's bring him in.
MALE SPEAKER: Right there.
MALE SPEAKER: Babe-a-rino.
FEMALE SPEAKER: Well don't call me that.
Hey are you doing something with like a
nerdy little league?
MALE SPEAKER: No, why?
Rory.
Oh my God.
MALE SPEAKER: What's happening?
MALE SPEAKER: Welcome buddy.
RORY: So where do they make the cards?
Oh uh, we don't do that here.
They do that at a factory somewhere.
RORY: Oh, that's great.
So we're just going to be hanging out in this stupid ***
office all day.
I can't wait to not do that.
I could have slept in.
I have diabetes.
I'm a diabetic.
Diabetic.
Break it down.
You guys don't care.
Anyone know where I can get some sugar?
MALE SPEAKER: He's been on the phone for like an hour.
He's got two Bluetooths.
MALE SPEAKER: It's teeth.
The plural of tooth is teeth.
MALE SPEAKER: Whatever, he's being a ***.
MALE SPEAKER: Alright, I say we call the whole thing off.
There's dozens of other sick kids.
We find someone else.
MALE SPEAKER: You saw the tapes.
He was clearly the best.
Look, it's not going to get worse than this.
RORY: Oh damn.
I'd tap that ***.
It's like an onion.
You start to peel that back you know you're
going to start crying.
MALE SPEAKER: OK, you know what?
That's it.
MALE SPEAKER: Easy.
MALE SPEAKER: Rory, take off the Blueteeth.
RORY: Tooths.
MALE SPEAKER: See?
I told you.
RORY: And I'll take them off when I'm damn
good and ready, son.
MALE SPEAKER: Any problems here?
MALE SPEAKER: We were just about to tell Rory about the
surprise ending to his tour, right?
MALE SPEAKER: Yeah, surprise ending.
I almost forgot about it, was such a big surprise.
We're going to make you your own baseball card.
RORY: It's about damn time.
Let's get out of this *** fest.
MALE SPEAKER: That's a good kid.
MALE SPEAKER: Really?
MALE SPEAKER: I like that kid.
MALE SPEAKER: Really?
MALE SPEAKER: I like him a lot.
MALE SPEAKER: Be nice to him.
MALE SPEAKER: Seriously, guys?
MALE SPEAKER: I know.
MALE SPEAKER: Hey look Rory, we're going to lose our
photographer in five minutes so can we please focus?
RORY: Yeah, why don't you focus on this?
MALE SPEAKER: Alright that's it.
I'm going to tell him off.
MALE SPEAKER: Go ahead.
RORY: Yeah, who are you going to tell off?
You still need my 'betes ***.
MALE SPEAKER: OK, yeah fine.
We need your 'betes, but can we just get it together so we
can get these photos please?
MALE SPEAKER: Wow, you really told him off Leif.
Yeah, I did tell him off.
RORY: I bet you they call you that because
you shake like one.
Ooh, when you go home your old lady owns you, doesn't she?
Oh, how sad is that?
Even when you're away from the old ***, you're
not wearing any pants.
MALE SPEAKER: I wear the pants in the family.
Give me the Skittles.
I work plenty.
Want some Skittles?
RORY: Hey, I got it.
Don't throw like a girl.
MALE SPEAKER: You eat like a diabetic.
FEMALE SPEAKER: I'm so excited that Leif agreed to let us
council the sick kid.
MALE SPEAKER: Yeah, the anticipation of this good deed
has really helped to get us on.
FEMALE SPEAKER: And running on some really great
philanthropic ideas.
FEMALE SPEAKER: Yeah, I'm sure Leif will find some way to
screw it all up.
MALE SPEAKER: Really this is--
I'm so, so sorry.
MALE SPEAKER: Who's your candy man?
Who's your candy man?
FEMALE SPEAKER: And that would be my husband.
MALE SPEAKER: There goes my wood.
FEMALE SPEAKER: What about my wood?
MALE SPEAKER: It's the same wood.
MALE SPEAKER: That is not very Christian, my brother.
MALE SPEAKER: This is fun doing this.
This actually feels really good.
[MUSIC]