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Hey, people of the inter-web, how was your summer?
It was perfect, but there was this one strange thing...
I was chilling, getting my tan on...
The weather was lovely, the sun was hitting hard but I was smothered in sun cream,
when all of a sudden...
"A Norwegian neo-nazi has been arrested in Correze, France..."
For the life of Satan, I couldn't believe it, they'd finally caught Louis Cachet,
who we liked to Count Grishnackh or Varg for those in the know,
also known as Kristian Vikernes!
But in Kristian, there is "Christ" so he decided to change it...
Anyway, Varg, who had come to seek refuge and enjoy the hunting season in Correze
was about to be the star of the 6 o'clock news, at least until the end of the week.
Apparently he was planning a massacre as his wife had just bought a few hunting rifles.
Pffft! Smoke and mirrors...
Admittedly, he was the perfect hothead for this kind of political media show...
On the 6th of June 1992, the first church was burnt down in Fantoft, Norway, near Bergen,
then a second fire was started on the 1st of August at a church in Revheim,
then another, then yet another!
Norway found itself in all the headlines, associated to members of black metal bands.
Amongst the worst examples,
one would forever brand the history of Norwegian black metal:
Euronymous, the 25 year old guitarist of Mayhem, was found dead in his stairwell,
brutally and repeatedly stabbed by Varg Vikernes,
leader of the black metal project Burzum, only 20 years old himself.
In a matter of days,
following information provided by members of Norwegian black metal bands,
the investigation lead to Varg's arrest on the 19th of August 1993 at his home in Bergen.
Whilst there, police found 100 kilograms of explosives and 3,000 rounds of ammunition...
Charming.
He tried to justify this as forward-planning in case Norway ever went to war...
Hahaha...
The cathedral of Nidaros can be found on the cover of De Mysterii Dom Sathanas,
Mayhem's first album.
There was a theory that these explosives were intended to bring down this monument.
After a 15-day trial, starting on the 21st of May 1994,
Varg is accused of *** in the first degree and of burning down 3 churches.
Only three, huh? Little liar!
The saddest thing about this run of attacks on Norwegian churches
is the death of one of the fire-fighters called out for the Sarpsborg fire.
Our pagan-pyromaniac-murderer is sentenced to 21 years in prison,
the maximum sentence in Norway!
Upon hearing his sentence, Varg flashed a snide smile at the cameraman to,
in his own words, show that he couldn't care less.
I'm not sure... Seriously, do you think he's feeling confident here?
I have the original video.
Haha, sorry...
It was around then that black metal became fashionable.
With all these happenings, the entire planet seemed interested in Norway's scene.
In Scandinavia, many people had already started listening to black metal,
and burning churches had even become a trend in Norway!
I burnt down a church this weekend!
Oh yeah? Well I burnt down 40!
Oh yeah? Well I burnt down 1,000!
YEAH? WELL I BURNT DOWN 12,000,000!
40 churches were burnt down between 1992 and 1996,
contributing to the tension between Varg Vikernes and Euronymous.
Considering that Varg liked to shoot through the windows at McDonald's...
But also attended meetings with the White *** Resistance... Right...
Setting fire to churches was a pagan act, like avenging Viking ancestors.
So seeing all these wankers seeking out an adrenaline trip,
burning down and destroying churches with their inverted crosses and their 666 mentality,
endorsed by Euronymous who saw himself as the pioneer of the movement...
It started to grate on Varg...
Given that Euronymous owned both his own label and Helvete,
the largest hangout and number one metal shop in Oslo,
it is safe to say that the man had a certain amount of influence,
both on a musical and a human level.
So there was friction between the two men,
especially as Burzum were signed with Euronymous' label:
Deathlike Silence Production, but he wasn't doing the best job...
There was stories of money problems...
Rivalry problems...
Even women problems...
Varg's official version states that he was defending himself
as Euronymous was planning to torture and kill Varg
as he was a threat to Euronymous' reign of supremacy within the black metal scene.
*** off, you don't just kill someone because they said they were going to kill you!
I'm going to kill him, he borrowed my Venom LP again without asking!
Varg, I'm going to kill you, you know I hate that brand of cereal!
Arf, Varg left his socks in the shop again! If he does it again I'll kill him!
Varg apparently heard Euronymous telling a friend on the telephone
that he was going to torture then kill Varg,
but anybody who knew Euronymous outside of the music scene
knew he was a mummy's boy.
Like a lot of bm artists...
When all is said and done, witness accounts aside,
the causes of the *** remain unknown
and all that is left is an obvious hatred between two megalomaniacs.
Varg can give his version of the facts,
but we will never be able to hear the other side of the story.
Whilst the causes described by Vikernes are hard enough to comprehend,
the way in which he describes the *** is even stranger.
Varg claimed he received a letter from Euronymous
requesting that he update certain contracts and that they meet.
On a whim, Varg decided to drive seven hours from Bergen to Oslo with Blackthorn,
guitarist with Mayhem at the time.
A simple little inoffensive knife was there for no reason!
How do you know? You're talking trash!
Woah what a mess...
Hang on, let me draw up a diagram...
You're *** fast!
You're not wrong!
Varg claims Blackthorn was only present so he could show off some riffs to Euronymous.
"Erm, I came to show you some riffs but I can see you're busy, I'll come back later!"
It's all lies, Varg made Blackthorn come so he could drive the car.
Hang about!!!
You're telling us that the guy was planning on killing you but
opened the door for you in the buff?
Hmm... Then there's that weird look toward the end...
He looks like Homer Simpson pretending to understand a long word!
Anyway, never mind, I don't think we will ever know what happened in Varg's mind
As you can see,
Varg's past meant he was the perfect scapegoat for what happened this summer.
Baring in mind I only got as far as his incarceration...
After certain disagreements with the French Home Secretary,
who wanted to send him back to his own country, the dirty immigrant,
the latter is now standing trial for inciting racial hate crimes.
Without wanting to sound like I have compassion for this modern-day Viking,
it is hard to deny that in this instance,
he is most likely but the puppet in this unfortunate play orchestrated by the government.
So Varg, when can we expect you to headline at Wacken with Burzum?
Pfft, maybe I should make an aquarium out of my old television...