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♪ HOLD ON, HOLD ON ♪
♪ DON'T GET YOUR *** IN A BUNCH ♪
♪ HOLD ON, HOLD ON ♪
♪ I THINK I LEFT MY STOVE ON ♪
♪ HOLD ON, HOLD ON ♪
♪ I CAN'T FIND MY SHOES ♪
♪ HOLD ON, HOLD ON ♪
♪ I SHOULDN'T HAVE HIT THE SNOOZE ♪
♪ HOLD ON, HOLD ON ♪
♪ I SEE ANGELS RIGHT HERE ON EARTH ♪
♪ AND THEY'RE ALL IN MY DAMN WAY ♪
♪ THAT'S WRONG, THAT'S WRONG ♪
♪ I DREAMED I WAS ALREADY THERE ♪♪
♪ WAKE UP, WAKE UP ♪
♪ THE COFFEE LINE WAS TOO LONG ♪
♪ HOLD ON, HOLD ON ♪
♪♪ I STOPPED TO FEED A UNICORN♪
♪♪ COME ON, COME ON ♪
♪ I THINK I GOT TO PEE ♪
♪ HOLD ON, HOLD ON ♪
♪ Y'ALL GONNA HAVE TO EXCUSE ME ♪
♪ HURRY UP, HURRY UP ♪
♪ BARACK OBAMA TEXTS ME ♪
♪ YEAH, RIGHT, YEAH, RIGHT ♪
♪ IT'S NOT MY FAULT ♪
♪ YOU'RE ON, YOU'RE ON ♪
♪♪ I GUESS I'LL HAVE TO POLE VAULT ♪
♪ LOOK OUT, LOOK OUT ♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
♪ WELL, HERE I AM ♪
THE SHOW'S TOMORROW.
OH, MAN. I LOOK LIKE A ***.
[ LAUGHTER ]
♪ ***, *** ♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
♪ ***, *** ♪
Woman: ♪ ***, *** ♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
♪ ***, ***, *** ♪
OH, OKAY. WE GOT IT.
♪ ***, *** ♪
♪ ***, *** ♪
♪ YOU ARE A ***, *** ♪
OKAY, I THINK THAT'S ENOUGH.
♪ ***, *** ♪
OKAY, WE GOT IT. I'M A ***.
♪ ***, ***, *** ♪
♪ JACKAAAAASS ♪
ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH OF THAT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
Woman: Y'ALL READY?
♪ HEEEEEY ♪
Announcer: AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
SHE IS A MOTHER, WIFE, COMEDIAN,
WOMAN, ACTOR, TROUBADOUR, NOVELIST, SOCIALITE,
PHILOSOPHER, PHILANTHROPIST, ENTREPRENEUR, RACONTEUR,
TEAMSTER, AND ARTIST.
YOUR HOST, WANDA SYKES.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT. HAVE A SEAT, PLEASE.
THANK Y'ALL SO MUCH.
GOOD GRIEF.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
OH, MAN, THANK Y'ALL SO MUCH.
I LOVE YOU, TOO. THANK Y'ALL SO MUCH.
MAN.
MAN, Y'ALL, THAT WAS TOO MUCH INFORMATION RIGHT THERE,
THAT INTRO.
GOOD LORD.
Y'ALL HAVE MORE INFORMATION ABOUT ME THAN NSA.
GOOD GRIEF.
SO, LOOK, I'M SO HAPPY TO BE HERE.
YOU KNOW, WELCOME TO HARPO, HUH?
HOW COOL IS THIS?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
IT WAS SO FUNNY.
PEOPLE WERE ASKING ME, LIKE,
"WHY ARE YOU GONNA DO THIS SHOW, WANDA?"
I'M LIKE, "IT'S AT HARPO, COME ON."
WHO'S GONNA TURN THAT DOWN?
THIS IS LIKE OUR MECCA, YOU KNOW?
I'M SERIOUS.
I WAS STANDING OUTSIDE, AND THIS WOMAN PULLED UP.
SHE PARKED, AND SHE JUMPED OUT OF THE CAR WITH A NEWBORN BABY
AND SHE HELD IT IN FRONT OF THE HARPO SIGN.
SHE WAS LIKE, "BEHOLD!
THE ONLY THING GREATER THAN YOURSELF!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHUCKLES ] IT IS HARPO, BABY.
YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE ABOUT BEING HERE IN CHICAGO?
EVERYBODY KNOWS HOW TO GET TO HARPO.
EVERYBODY KNOWS WHERE HARPO IS.
YOU KNOW, JUST GET IN A CAB.
"WHERE YOU GOING?" "HARPO."
VROOM! RIGHT THERE.
I WOULD SAY EVERYBODY KNOWS.
I MEAN, THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE TO BE FROM HERE.
THEY COULD JUST ARRIVE IN THE COUNTRY.
THEY'D KNOW.
[ Indian accent ] EH, HARPO. [ SPEAKS GIBBERISH ]
[ Normal voice ] I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU SAYING,
BUT I KNOW YOU KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING.
YOU KNOW WHERE IT IS.
I'M SERIOUS. A BLIND MAN BROUGHT ME HERE TODAY.
I'M SERIOUS.
EVERYBODY KNOWS HOW TO GET TO HARPO.
AND YOU KNOW, I HAVE A LOT OF FRIENDS WHO ARE FROM CHICAGO,
SO THEY GAVE ME SOME HISTORY, AND THEY SAID THAT, YOU KNOW,
THAT HARPO, IT'S REALLY ON, LIKE, A HISTORIC LOCATION,
BECAUSE AT ONE POINT,
THIS WAS WHERE ALL THE PROSTITUTES ROAMED,
IS WHAT I UNDERSTAND.
THERE WERE A NUMBER OF HOOKERS AROUND HERE.
I'M LIKE, "DAMN, Y'ALL WENT FROM HOOKERS TO HARPO."
I GUESS OPRAH TOTALLY CHANGED
THE MEANING OF WORKING GIRL, HUH?
[ CHUCKLES ]
BUT MY THING IS I WONDER
HOW DID SHE GET ALL THE HOOKERS OUT OF HERE,
'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, IT'S HARD TO GET RID OF A HO.
IT REALLY IS. [ CHUCKLES ]
YOU CAN'T SHOO HOOKERS, YOU KNOW.
YOU CAN'T BE LIKE, "GET OUT OF HERE, HOOKERS."
YOU CAN'T SHOO THEM. YOU CAN'T SCAT, YOU KNOW.
"***, BE GONE." IT'S...
[ LAUGHTER ]
WAS OPRAH LIKE THE PIED PIPER OF PROSTITUTES OR SOMETHING?
SHE JUST PULLED OUT HER LITTLE MAGIC FLUTE
AND...LED THEM ALL DOWN TO THE RIVER.
[ CHUCKLES ]
AND ALSO, I GET ASKED A LOT LIKE,
"WHY ALL FEMALE COMICS, WANDA?
WHY YOU DOING A SHOW WITH JUST FEMALE COMICS?"
I'M LIKE, "I'M A LESBIAN, DUMMY. WHAT THE HELL?"
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
I'M TIRED OF DOING SHOWS WITH A BUNCH OF MEN.
EVERYTHING SMELLING LIKE BALLS. COME ON.
[ LAUGHTER ]
DON'T IT SMELL GOOD IN HERE?
SEE?
IT SMELLS LIKE FRESH -- LIKE POTPOURRI.
IT SMELLS GOOD IN HERE.
WELL, THANK Y'ALL SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
GIVE YOURSELVES A ROUND OF APPLAUSE.
Y'ALL LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
Y'ALL LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
AND I WANT Y'ALL TO JUST SIT TIGHT, AND WHEN WE GET BACK,
GET READY FOR SOME LAUGHS, ALL RIGHT?
OKAY, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
Y'ALL.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
Announcer: UP NEXT...
LOOK AT YOU, MOVING ON THE TWO AND THE FOU.
Announcer: ...GLORIA BIGELOW LET'S LOOSE.
WHOO!
I LIKE A CLEAN KITCHEN.
I DON'T DO ANY CLEANING. I MAKE DIRT.
♪ ♪
I'M NOT BIG ENOUGH OR STRONG ENOUGH FOR THIS.
THERE SHOULD BE SOME WAY TO MAKE IT EASIER.
[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
[ Morty ] HERE'S A BOX, BABE. OPEN IT UP.
OH MY GOODNESS!
WHAT IS A WETJET?
SOME KIND OF A MOPPING DEVICE.
THERE'S A LOT OF DIRT ON HERE.
MORTY, LOOK AT HOW EASY IT IS.
IT'S ALMOST LIKE DANCING.
[ BOTH HUMMING ]
THIS IS CALLED THE SWIFFER DANCE.
ONE...
MORE...
STEP!
[ Mom ] MY LITTLE GIRL...SHE LOVES TO HELP OUT ON BIG JOBS.
GOOD THING THERE'S BOUNTY SELECT-A-SIZE.
IT'S THE SMALLER POWERFUL SHEET
THAT ACTS LIKE A BIG SHEET.
LOOK! ONE SELECT-A-SIZE SHEET OF BOUNTY
IS 50% MORE ABSORBENT THAN A FULL SIZE SHEET
OF THE LEADING ORDINARY BRAND.
♪ ♪
I GOT IT!
[ Mom ] USE LESS WITH THE SMALL BUT POWERFUL PICKER UPPER.
BOUNTY SELECT-A-SIZE.
AND TRY BOUNTY NAPKINS.
[ dryer buzzes ]
OOH!
I LOVE THAT JUST WASHED FRESHNESS,
[ sniffs ]
BUT THEN IT GOES TO YOUR CLOSET...
TO DIE.
SO DO WHAT I DO -
TRY NEW GLOW UNSTOPABLES IN-WASH SCENT BOOSTERS.
TOSS THEM IN BEFORE THE WASH,
THEN POUR IN DOWNEY INFUSIONS FOR SOFTNESS.
MMM, AND THEY FILL YOUR CLOSET WITH SCENTS SO FRESH...
♪ ♪
...I COULD JUST YODEL!
AND THEY LAST FOR 12 WEEKS!
DOWNY UNSTOPABLES AND INFUSIONS.
DISCOVER A FRESHER WORLD.
ALL RIGHT, WELCOME BACK TO "HERLARIOUS."
THIS COMIC I SAW ON SHOWTIME'S "FIERCE FUNNY WOMEN,"
AND SHE MADE ME LAUGH SO MUCH I SAID, "YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE'VE GOT TO HAVE HER HERE ON 'HERLARIOUS'."
SO, SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN ON TWO SHOWS WITH *** TITLES.
LET'S MEET GLORIA BIGELOW.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
MY COMEDY IS OBSERVATIONAL AND KIND OF ANECTODAL.
MY MOTHER WAS HORRIFIED WHEN I CAME OUT AS A COMIC.
HORRIFIED, BECAUSE SHE GOOGLED ME
AND SHE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IF I CAN GOOGLE YOU,
YOU KNOW OTHER PEOPLE CAN GOOGLE YOU, TOO,"
WHICH IS FUNNY, 'CAUSE THAT'S HOW THE INTERNET WORKS.
WHEN I TOLD MY MOM THAT I WAS DOING THIS SHOW,
SHE ACTED LIKE OPRAH HAD JUST GOT THE NETWORK YESTERDAY.
AND SHE SAID, "DID YOU KNOW
THAT OPRAH HAS ALL KINDS OF SHOWS ON OWN?"
I SAID, "I'M AWARE. I'M AWARE OF THAT, MOMMY."
SHE'LL BE VERY PLEASED THAT THIS IS HAPPENING.
OKAY, GIVE IT UP FOR GLORIA BIGELOW.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WANDA SYKES.
WHAT?
HI.
OH, YOU GUYS LOOK WONDERFUL.
SO GOOD AND SO HAPPY TO BE HERE.
I AM ORIGINALLY FROM THE SUBURBS OF PITTSBURGH.
Man: WHOO!
WHOO! GOOD FOR YOU.
AND I GREW UP IN A REALLY WHITE SUBURB OF PITTSBURGH.
YOU KNOW, AND I GREW UP MY WHOLE LIFE THINKING
THAT WHITE PEOPLE CAN'T DANCE, YOU KNOW?
WHICH IS NOT TRUE.
BUT WHEN I SEE A WHITE PERSON THAT'S A REALLY GOOD DANCER,
I RUN UP TO THEM LIKE, "OH, LOOK AT YOU.
"OH, YOU'RE SUCH A GOOD DANCER.
"LOOK AT YOU MOVING ON THE TWO AND THE FOUR.
WHOO!"
THAT WOULD BE LIKE A WHITE PERSON ROLLING UP TO ME
WHILE I'M READING A BOOK LIKE, "WHOO, LOOK AT THAT!
SHE'S READING A BOOK!"
DO YOU GUYS REMEMBER WHEN FANCY COFFEE DRINKS
WERE JUST FOR WHITE PEOPLE?
[ LAUGHTER ]
DO YOU REMEMBER?
IT WAS, LIKE, IN THE '90s, AND BLACK PEOPLE,
WE WOULD MAKE FUN OF WHITE PEOPLE WITH THEIR LATTES.
WE'D BE LIKE, "LOOK AT WHITE PEOPLE WITH THEIR LATTES.
HA, HA, HA!"
ALL THAT MILK, YOU KNOW?
BUT NOW -- BUT NOW, THE COFFEE PLACES
HAVE MADE THEIR WAY INTO ALL THE NEIGHBORHOODS,
AND THEY ARE IN THE HOOD.
AND BLACK FOLKS, WE ARE THERE IN FULL EFFECT.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT WE ARE GETTING?
CARAMEL COFFEE DRINKS.
WITH EXTRA CARAMEL, RIGHT?
JUST TO KILL ANY TASTE OF COFFEE
THAT COULD BE IN THE DRINK, RIGHT?
RIGHT? [ CHUCKLES ]
I WALKED UP INTO A COFFEE PLACE IN THE HOOD,
AND THE SISTER IN FRONT OF ME WAS LIKE,
"CAN I GET A CARAMEL COFFEE DRINK WITH EXTRA CARAMEL?"
AND HE WAS LIKE, "DO YOU WANT THE SYRUP OR THE SAUCE?"
SHE WAS LIKE, "BOTH. JUST COAT THE CUP IN CARAMEL."
RIGHT? AND THEN HE SAID, "WHAT SIZE?"
SHE SAID, "40 OUNCE." I SAID, "HOLD UP A MINUTE.
"WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.
"MNH-MNH.
NO."
AND I SAID, "WELL, I HAVE GOT TO TRY THIS, RIGHT?"
AND I WAS LIKE, "CAN I GET A CARAMEL COFFEE DRINK
"WITH EXTRA CARAMEL AND WITH THE SYRUP AND THE SAUCE.
JUST COAT MY CUP IN CARAMEL," RIGHT?
AND I GOT IT AND I WAS LIKE...
[ SMACKS LIPS ] "MMM.
"THIS HAS A VERY DISTINCT TASTE.
IT TASTES JUST LIKE DIABETES."
IT WAS JUST...
IT WAS AMAZING.
AMAZING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I AM NOT A FAN OF RAP MUSIC
BECAUSE I HAVE EARS AND SELF-ESTEEM, AND...
[ GROANS, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WHAT?
PLEASE. I CAN'T.
I CAN'T.
I ROLLED UP INTO THE BANK
AND THEY WERE PLAYING RAP MUSIC IN THE BANK WITH MY MONEY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I DON'T LIKE THAT.
SO, I WAITED MY TURN IN LINE
AND I GET UP TO THE TELLER AND I'M LIKE, "EXCUSE ME, DIAMOND."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"WHY ARE YOU PLAYING RAP MUSIC IN THE BANK?
THIS IS NOT A CHECK-CASHING PLACE."
RIGHT?
AND SHE LOOKS AT ME AND SHE'S LIKE, "WE CASH CHECKS."
I SAID, "I KNOW YOU CASH CHECKS. THIS IS A BANK.
"BUT DON'T YOU THINK
"YOU SHOULD BE PLAYING SOMETHING MAYBE, LIKE, MORE RELAXING?
MAYBE SOMETHING CLASSICAL?"
AND SHE LOOKED AT ME. SHE WAS LIKE, "WHAT?
"THIS IS A CLASSIC.
THIS IS BIGGIE OFF OF HIS 'JUICY' ALBUM."
"YOU'RE GONNA GIVE ME ALL MY MONEY RIGHT NOW."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I HAVE A GAY BOY.
YOU KNOW, BLACK WOMEN AND GAY MEN,
SOMETIMES WE GET TOGETHER, YOU KNOW?
WE GET TOGETHER AND WE'RE LIKE, "HEY, GIRL, HEY, GIRL.
KI, KI, KI." THAT'S WHAT WE DO, RIGHT?
IT'S WHAT WE DO.
BUT I FEEL LIKE LATELY HE'S BEEN TRYING
TO, LIKE, OUT-SISTER-GIRL ME.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT? YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
JUST TAKING THE SISTER ACT A LITTLE TOO FAR, RIGHT?
RIGHT? YOU KNOW, LIKE, I CALLED HIM LAST WEEK.
I WAS LIKE, "HEY, GIRL. HEY."
HE WAS LIKE, "GIRL, CHILD AIN'T SAFE IN A FAMILY OF MENS."
DID YOU JUST "COLOR PURPLE" ME?
YOU TAKING THIS *** TOO FAR. YOU KNOW?
AND I CALLED HIM LAST WEEK AND I WAS LIKE, "HEY, GIRL. HEY."
AND HE WAS LIKE, "TROUBLE DON'T LAST ALWAYS."
I WAS LIKE, "YOU ARE A 32-YEAR-OLD WHITE BOY
"FROM THE MIDWEST.
"WHY DO YOU SOUND LIKE A 200-YEAR-OLD DEAD SLAVE?
THIS AIN'T 'BELOVED.' WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?"
IT'S RIDICULOUS.
YOU KNOW, AND I FEEL LIKE HE'S JUST GONNA TAKE IT WAY TOO FAR.
LIKE NEXT YEAR, I'LL CALL HIM
AND I'LL BE LIKE, "HEY, GIRL. HEY."
AND HE'LL BE LIKE... [ CLICKING, POPPING TONGUE ]
DID YOU JUST CLICK AND POP AT ME?
YOU TAKING THIS *** TOO FAR.
I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS, AND I THINK THAT WE SHOULD
TAKE THE WORD "GHETTO" OUT OF THE POPULAR VERNACULAR.
RIGHT?
[ APPLAUSE ]
YOU KNOW, BECAUSE NOWADAYS, EVERYTHING IS GHETTO.
KIDS ARE LIKE, "MY TECHNOLOGY IS SO GHETTO."
AND I'M LIKE, "3G INSTEAD OF G DOES NOT GHETTO MAKE.
THAT'S NOT GHETTO."
AND I FEEL LIKE PEOPLE
DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE THE WORD "GHETTO" IN CONTEXT.
I WAS AT A DINNER PARTY, AND AT THE END OF THE NIGHT,
MY FRIEND BECKY WAS LIKE, "I'M GONNA ROLL GHETTO STYLE."
I WAS LIKE, "OH, ***, WHAT'S SHE GONNA DO?"
PULL OUT A PACK OF NEWPORTS OR A GUN? I DON'T KNOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SHE PULLS OUT A TUPPERWARE CONTAINER
AND FILLS IT WITH CARROTS AND CRUDITé.
CARROTS AND CRUDITé.
THAT'S NOT GHETTO.
GHETTO WOULD BE IF SHE NAMED HER CHILD CRUDITé, RIGHT?
YOU WANT TO USE THAT WORD IN CONTEXT.
THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH. MY NAME IS GLORIA BIGELOW.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THAT WAS HILARIOUS.
ONE MORE ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR GLORIA BIGELOW.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HEY, STAY WHERE YOU ARE.
THERE'S MORE FUNNY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BREAK, ALL RIGHT?
THAT WAS GREAT. GOOD JOB.
THANK YOU. WHOO!
Announcer: COMING UP...
GA-ROSS.
Announcer: ...ANDI SMITH TALKS ABOUT THE JOYS OF CHILDBIRTH.
BRING ON THE DRUGS, ***.
[ Mom ] WITH MY LITTLE GIRL, EVERY FOOD IS FINGER FOOD.
SO I CAN'T AFFORD TO HAVE GERMY SURFACES.
BUT AFTER ONE DAY'S USE,
DISHCLOTHS CAN REDEPOSIT MILLIONS OF GERMS.
SO DITCH YOUR DISHCLOTH
AND SWITCH TO A FRESH SHEET OF NEW BOUNTY DURATOWEL.
LOOK! A FRESH SHEET OF BOUNTY DURATOWEL
LEAVES THIS SURFACE CLEANER THAN A GERMY DISHCLOTH,
AS THIS BLACK LIGHT REVEALS.
IT'S DURABLE, CLOTH-LIKE
AND IT'S 3 TIMES CLEANER.
SO DITCH YOUR DISHCLOTH AND SWITCH TO NEW BOUNTY DURATOWEL.
THE DURABLE, CLOTH-LIKE PICKER-UPPER.
[ Male Announcer ] IT'S 7AM AND STEVE IS ALREADY THINKING ABOUT TOMORROW.
WHICH IS WHY HE'S INVESTING IN HIS HEART HEALTH
BY EATING Kellogg's Raisin Bran®.
GOOD MORNING DAD.
HI, SWEETIE.
[ Male Announcer ] HERE'S ANOTHER EYE OPENER.
NOT ONLY IS Kellogg's Raisin Bran® HEART HEALTHY
IT'S A DELICIOUS SOURCE OF POTASSIUM.
♪ ♪
MOM MAKE YOU EAT THAT?
I HAPPEN TO LIKE RAISINS.
NOW THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT.
[ Male Announcer ] INVEST IN YOUR HEART HEALTH
WITH Kellogg's Raisin Bran®.
♪ ♪
[ Male Announcer ] YOU WAIT ALL YEAR FOR SUMMER.
♪ ♪
THIS SUMMER WAS DEFINITELY WORTH THE WAIT.
♪♪ ♪
SUMMER'S BEST EVENT FROM CADILLAC.
LET SUMMER TRY AND PASS YOU BY.
LEASE THIS ALL-NEW CADILLAC XTS
FOR AROUND $399 PER MONTH
OR PURCHASE FOR 0% APR
FOR 60 MONTHS.
COME IN NOW FOR THE BEST OFFERS
OF THE MODEL YEAR.
ALL RIGHT.
I LOVE THIS NEXT COMIC'S MIDWESTERN WIT,
AND LIKE ME, SHE'S A MOTHER.
BUT I HAVE A FEELING IF I SCHEDULED A PLAYDATE WITH HER,
IT WOULD BE IN A SALOON.
LET'S MEET THE VERY FUNNY ANDI SMITH.
TAKE A LOOK.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I'M ORIGINALLY FROM JANESVILLE, WISCONSIN,
AND I LIVE IN ST. LOUIS NOW,
SO I'M KIND OF AS MIDWEST AS MIDWEST GETS.
I HAD A BABY 13 MONTHS AGO.
I HAD NO IDEA THAT I WAS GOING TO BE ABLE TO LOVE SOME --
I WAS SCARED THE WHOLE TIME. I WAS TERRIFIED.
BUT, BOY, THEY GIVE YOU ONE OF THOSE, AND ALL OF A SUDDEN,
YOU STOP DRINKING AND YOU WANT TO BUY A CHARM BRACELET.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT I WOULD CONTINUE DOING STAND-UP COMEDY.
IT SEEMED PRETTY FARFETCHED.
AND EVERYONE TELLS YOU THAT, TOO.
THEY'LL BE LIKE, [Raspy voice] "WELL, COMICS HAVE KIDS.
A LOT OF COMEDIANS HAVE KIDS AND THEY STILL DO COMEDY."
[ Normal voice ] YEAH. THOSE PEOPLE ARE MEN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
GIVE IT UP FOR ANDI SMITH.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
OH, CHICAGO, CHICAGO, CHICAGO. I MISSED YOU GUYS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YEAH.
MY BOYFRIEND AND I, WE DID HAVE A BABY TOGETHER.
WE HAD A BABY. SHE'S 392 DAYS OLD.
YEAH, MM-HMM. YEAH.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I KNOW. YEAH. UH-HUH.
SOME PEOPLE LIKE TO MEASURE THEIR CHILD'S AGE IN MONTHS.
I'VE DECIDED TO GO WITH DAYS.
KIND OF LIKE A HOSTAGE SITUATION.
RIGHT?
LIKE WE'RE TRAPPED IN A WELL OR SOMETHING, YOU KNOW?
[ SIGHS ]
I WAS SKEPTICAL, THOUGH. I GOT TO TELL YOU.
I'M NOT GONNA LIE, I WAS SKEPTICAL, YOU KNOW?
'CAUSE MOTHERHOOD IS THE ONLY JOB WHERE IF YOU GET IT
AND YOU SUCK AT IT, YOU CAN GO TO PRISON.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU KNOW?
THAT'S A LOT TO PUT ON SOMEBODY.
AND BY THE WAY, THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY IT, TOO.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY, "WE HAD A BABY."
THAT'S HOW YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY IT.
THAT IS ***.
I HAD A BABY.
HE SMOKED POT
AND TICKLED HIMSELF IN THE GARAGE FOR ABOUT 10 MONTHS.
YEAH. RIGHT?
I HAD A BABY.
PEOPLE HAVE ALL KINDS OF ADVICE FOR YOU, TOO.
OH, THEY CAN'T STOP GIVING YOU ADVICE.
YOU KNOW? THIS IS MY FAVORITE ONE.
"ARE YOU GONNA GO ALL NATURAL?
"ARE YOU GONNA HAVE ALL NATURAL? ALL NAT--"
NO. WHAT IS THIS -- A CIVIL WAR REENACTMENT?
NO. BRING ON THE DRUGS, ***.
RIGHT? ABSOLUTELY NOT, YOU KNOW?
I GOT THIS HIPPIE FRIEND IN SAN FRANCISCO.
SHE'S ONE OF THESE PEOPLE WHO SITS AROUND
EATING, LIKE, TREE BARK AND TENNIS SHOES AND STUFF.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE DOES. SHE'S SUPER ANNOYING, YOU KNOW?
AND SHE'S LIKE, "ANDI, I'M GONNA HAVE AN AT-HOME WATER BIRTH."
OKAY, FIRST OFF, GA-ROSS.
WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA MOVE AFTER THAT?
GOD.
YOU KNOW, THAT'S A MEDICAL PROCEDURE.
YOU DON'T JUST PUT AN INFLATABLE POOL IN THE LIVING ROOM
AND HAVE AT IT.
SHE'S LIKE, "ANDI, DON'T YOU WANT THE FIRST TIME
THAT YOU MEET YOUR CHILD TO BE FREE OF DRUGS AND CHEMICALS?"
I WAS LIKE, "NO."
THINK OF IT THIS WAY.
THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET YOUR CHILD,
WOULD YOU RATHER YOU BE SWEATY
AND PISSED OFF IN AN INFLATABLE POOL?
RIGHT?
OR HEAVILY MEDICATED AND IN KIND OF A GOOD MOOD?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YEAH.
I DIDN'T EVEN SMUDGE MY MASCARA.
I LOOKED GOOD IN ALL THE PICTURES AND STUFF.
IT WAS NICE, YEAH.
WE'RE NOT MARRIED. WE'RE NOT MARRIED, YOU KNOW?
ALL MY FRIENDS ARE MARRIED.
SOME OF THEM DON'T EVEN HAVE KIDS.
IT'S LIKE THEY GOT MARRIED FOR NO REASON.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND I WORRY, YOU KNOW?
I WORRY ABOUT WHAT -- I WORRY ABOUT WHAT KIND OF WORLD
I BROUGHT HER INTO, YOU KNO?
EVERY TIME YOU READ THE NEWS,
IT'S HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE.
I READ THIS IN THE NEWS THE OTHER DAY.
I READ THIS.
I READ THAT GIRLS WITH BREAST IMPLANTS
HAVE A MUCH HIGHER RATE OF SUICIDE.
YEAH. I DON'T HAVE A JOKE FOR THAT YET.
THAT'S JUST REALLY GOOD NEWS.
YOU KNOW?
FINALLY SOMETHING OPTIMISTIC, YOU KNOW?
RIGHT?
WELL, I WORRY ABOUT THAT.
LIKE, HAVING A DAUGHTER,
YOU WORRY ABOUT THAT MESSAGE THAT'S OUT THERE --
THAT THAT'S ALL A WOMAN HAS TO DO
IS JUST -- THEIR WHOLE GOAL IN LIFE.
JUST GET SUPER HOT. THAT'S IT.
JUST GET SUPER HOT.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE A SKILL OR THOUGHT IN YOUR HEAD.
JUST TUSSY IT UP AND WAIT FOR THE CHECKS TO START ROLLING IN.
RIGHT?
YOU KNOW THAT GIRLS ARE GETTING *** JOBS FOR GRADUATION?
YEAH. THEY'RE GETTING *** JOBS FOR GRADUATION.
SHOULDN'T THAT BE WHAT YOU GET IF YOU DON'T GRADUATE?
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
RIGHT?
YEAH.
YEAH. OH, I HEARD YOU FAILED MATH.
HERE'S A COUPLE OF D's. GO FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH.
[ SIGHS ]
BABIES WILL CHANGE YOUR RELATIONSHIP, THOUGH.
THEY WILL.
MY BOYFRIEND WANTS TO START HAVING SEX AGAIN.
UNH-UNH.
I DON'T CARE IF I NEVER HAVE SEX AGAIN.
I'M TELLING YOU THAT. I DO NOT CARE.
HE'S LIKE, "WE GOT TO START DOING IT AGAIN."
I'M LIKE, "OH, STOP. YOU'RE TURNING ME ON."
"STUPID. YOU'RE STUPID."
I TRIED TO EXPLAIN IT TO HIM, TOO.
ONCE YOU HAVE A BABY, THE GAMBLE'S GONE.
RIGHT? THE JIG IS UP.
THE WAY I SEE IT, I'VE BEEN PLAYING RUSSIAN ROULETTE
FOR, LIKE, 20 YEARS, AND ON APRIL 30, 2012, I GOT SHOT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I DID.
HE WANTS TO WATCH ***. THAT'S HIS BIG PLAN.
OH, THAT'S PERFECT. OKAY.
GOOD THINKING, STUPID.
WE'RE WATCHING ONE THE OTHER NIGHT,
AND THE GIRL TAKES OFF HER CLOTHES,
AND SHE'S GOT A NICOTINE PATCH ON.
WHAT?
OF ALL THE THINGS YOU'RE CURRENTLY DOING,
THAT'S WHAT YOU'VE DECIDED TO QUIT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU GUYS WERE VERY NICE. THANKS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
ALL RIGHT. ONE MORE TIME FOR ANDI SMITH.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HEY, STAY WITH US
BECAUSE THERE'S MORE WHEN WE COME BACK, ALL RIGH?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN. I HAD SO MUCH FUN.
Announcer: WHEN WE COME BACK, BROOKE SHIELDS DROPS BY
AND REMINDS US THAT SHE WENT TO AN IVY LEAGUE SCHOOL.
[ SPEAKS FRENCH ]
BASICALLY, SHE SAID, "YES."
-YEAH! GO, ANGIE! -WHOO-HOO!
[ sound fades ]
AT A MOMENT LIKE THIS, I'M GLAD I USE Tampax Pearl.
[ Female Announcer ] Tampax Pearl PROTECTS BETTER.
ONLY TAMPAX HAS A LEAKGUARD BRAID
TO HELP STOP LEAKS BEFORE THEY HAPPEN.
Tampax Pearl PROTECTS BETTER.
IN YOUR BUSY DAY,
THE LAST THING YOU NEED IS WHITE MARKS.
♪ ♪
SECRET OUTLAST CLEAR GEL GOES ON CLEAR
WITH 48 HOUR ODOR PROTECTION.
TO OUTLAST YOUR DAY...ANY DAY.
SECRET OUTLAST CLEAR GEL.
[ Female Announcer ] SURE, IT'S GOOD IF YOUR DOG'S FOOD IS NATURAL.
BUT ARE THE INGREDIENTS OUT OF PROPORTION?
LIKE TOO MUCH PROTEIN...
TOO MUCH SALT...
OR TOO LITTLE VITAMINS?
INTRODUCING NEW HILL'S IDEAL BALANCE.
CREATED BY HILL'S PET NUTRITIONISTS.
WITH CHICKEN FIRST, IT HAS THE RIGHT NATURAL INGREDIENTS
GUARANTEED TO BE PERFECTLY BALANCED.
WITH NO CORN, WHEAT OR SOY,
EVERY INGREDIENT ADDS TO YOUR PET'S BEST HEALTH.
NEW HILL'S IDEAL BALANCE.
100% BALANCED NUTRITION GUARANTEED.
HEY, BUDDY?
OH, HEY, FLO.
YOU WANT TO SEE SOMETHING COOL? SNAPSHOT, FROM PROGRESSIVE.
MY INSURANCE COMPANY TOLD ME NOT TO TALK TO PEOPLE LIKE YOU.
YOU ALWAYS DO WHAT THEY TELL YOU?
NO...
TRY IT, AND SEE WHAT YOUR GOOD DRIVING CAN SAVE YOU.
YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO SWITCH.
UNLESS YOU'RE SCARED.
I'M NOT SCARED, IT'S...
YOU KNOW WE CAN STILL SEE YOU.
NO, YOU CAN'T.
PRETTY SURE WE CAN...
TRY SNAPSHOT TODAY -- NO PRESSURE.
ALL RIGHT, WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK.
NOW, BEFORE I BRING OUT OUR LAST COMIC,
I THOUGHT IT'D BE FUN TO DO SOMETHING
THAT CAROL BURNETT USED TO DO ON HER SHOW,
'CAUSE I'M A BIG FAN OF CAROL BURNETT.
SO, CAN WE TAKE SOME QUESTIONS FROM THE AUDIENCE?
WANT TO DO THAT? LET'S TAKE SOME -- ALL RIGHT.
LET'S TAKE SOME QUESTIONS FROM THE AUDIENCE.
SALLY JO, CAN YOU BRING THE LIGHTS UP A LITTLE BIT
SO WE CAN SEE THESE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE?
OH, HI. HOW Y'ALL DOING?
HEY. ALL RIGHT, SO WHO HAS A QUESTION?
ANYBODY?
Woman: I GOT A QUESTION.
OH, RIGHT HERE.
DO YOU HANG OUT WITH A LOT OF CELEBRITIES?
DO I HANG OUT WITH A LOT OF CELEBRITIES?
ONLY IN REHAB. THAT'S IT.
NO, ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW, I --
A LOT OF MY FRIENDS ARE, LIKE, WRITERS AND EVERYTHING,
BUT I DO HAVE SOME FRIENDS WHO ARE CELEBRITIES.
AND ACTUALLY, SHE DIDN'T WANT ME TO SAY ANYTHING,
BUT ONE OF THEM FLEW IN TO BE SUPPORTIVE TODAY,
AND BROOKE SHIELDS IS SITTING RIGHT OVER THERE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
ACTUALLY, LET'S GO OVER HERE AND SAY HI TO BROOKE.
HI, BROOKE.
HEY.
YOU'RE DOING SO WELL. I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU.
OH, THANK YOU.
THANKS FOR COMING OUT HERE AND SUPPORTING ME.
I APPRECIATE IT. OH, I LOVE YOU, TOO.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHY DON'T YOU COME STAND UP THERE ON STAGE WITH ME?
NO. YOU DIDN'T TELL ME --
OH, COME ON, COME ON. JUST DO IT.
JUST FOR ME.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
FOR ME, PLEASE? COME ON.
COME ON, COME O.
WE'LL DO THE QUESTIONS. COME ON.
IN CASE I GET STUMPED,
YOU CAN HELP ANSWER A QUESTION OR SOMETHING FOR ME.
STAND OVER YOU LIKE THIS?
YEAH. I MEAN, YEAH, YOU COULD DO THAT, TOO.
I MEAN -- OKAY, I KNOW, BROOKE. YOU'RE TALL.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT. WE GET IT.
I'M SHORT. I GOT IT, OKAY.
ALL RIGHT. YOU KNOW, I'M MIKED.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE THIS?
ALL RIGHT, IS THERE ANOTHER QUESTION?
ANYONE? NO? OKAY, RIGHT HERE.
SO, MY QUESTION IS FOR BROOKE.
OH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
A COUPLE YEARS AGO,
YOU DELIVERED YOUR COMMENCEMENT SPEECH AT PRINCETON,
YOUR ALMA MATER. HOW WAS THAT?
WELL, IT WAS WONDERFUL. IT WAS GREAT.
THANK YOU. I WAS VERY EXCITED.
IT WAS A LITTLE WEIRD BECAUSE,
WELL, MOST OF THE PEOPLE THAT WERE IN THE AUDIENCE
SAID THEY WEREN'T EVEN BORN WHEN I WAS AN UNDERGRADUATE.
I HAD NO IDEA IF THEY KNEW ANY OF THE REFERENCES OR ANYTHING,
BUT IT WAS A PRIVILEGE
AND I WAS REALLY GLAD TO DO IT, SO...
ALL RIGHT, COOL. OOH, PRINCETON.
OH, YEAH, NICE.
HONORS. I GOT HONORS.
OH, HONORS.
I GOT HONORS.
OKAY.
BROOKE SHIELDS IS SMART, OKAY.
ANOTHER QUESTION, ANYONE?
RIGHT HERE.
Woman: HI, BROOKE.
OH. HI.
I READ SOMEWHERE THAT YOU ARE FLUENT IN FRENCH.
IS THAT TRUE?
[ SPEAKING FRENCH ]
BASICALLY, SHE SAID YES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
COME ON, YOU KNOW WHAT I SAID.
SHE TOTALLY SPEAKS FRENCH.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS,
BUT SHE KNOWS HOW TO SPEAK FRENCH, YES.
[ SPEAKING FRENCH]
OH, MERCI. MERCI.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S STILL MY SHOW.
I KNOW. I JUST THOUGHT I'D SIT.
I DON'T KNOW HOW G I HAVE TO BE UP HERE.
WHAT THE HELL?
WOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I NEED SOME HELP.
NO, I THOUGHT MAYBE THAT SOMEBODY ELSE
WANTED TO ASK A QUESTION, MAYBE, FOR YOU.
OH, FOR ME.
I DON'T NEED YOUR CHARITY, BROOKE SHIELDS.
I KNOW.
I'M JUST SAYING
MAYBE SOMEBODY ELSE WANTS TO ASK SOMETHING.
OH, YOU HAVE A QUESTION FOR ME?
YEAH.
FOR ME?
YEAH.
OKAY.
SEE? STAND DOWN, BROOKE SHIELDS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HOW TALL ARE YOU?
HOW TALL AM I? I AM 5'2".
I BET YOU WISH YOU WERE AS TALL AS BROOKE SHIELDS, RIGHT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
Y'ALL KNOW WHAT?
I'M SO HAPPY MY FRIEND CAME BY, BUT SHE HAS TO TAKE OFF NOW
'CAUSE -- NO, SHE'S GOT A BIG GIG COMING UP.
SHE'S DIRECTING "CHICAGO" AT THE HOLLYWOOD BOWL, HUH?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YEAH, SO SHE'S GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.
I DIDN'T WANT TO -- THAT'S, LIKE, YOU CAN'T PUT THAT --
I DIDN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THAT.
OH, YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THAT?
NO, I CAN'T.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE I'M REALLY NERVOUS ABOUT IT.
I HAVE NO IDEA IF I'M GONNA BE ABLE TO PULL IT OFF --
IF I'M GONNA HAVE THAT SORT OF, YOU KNOW,
FEELING OF AUTHORITY AND GRAVITAS.
I JUST --
OH, COME ON.
BROOKE SHIELDS, YOU'RE GONNA BE --
ALL RIGHT, STOP IT. I'M NOT DONE, OKAY?
[ LAUGHTER ]
I MEAN, WHEN YOU'RE DIRECTING ACTUALLY FOR THE STAGE,
IT IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT, AND IT HAS TO BE PERFECT.
YOU CAN'T MESS UP. YOU GOT TO TAKE IT SERIOUSLY.
OKAY, TAKE YOUR LIGHT, RIGHT?
RIGHT NOW, I THINK IT'S A LITTLE HOT.
THINK YOU LOOK A LITTLE HOT, OKAY?
SALLY JO, COULD YOU BRING HER LIGHT DOWN
JUST A LITTLE BIT, PLEASE?
[ LAUGHTER ]
A LITTLE BIT MORE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SEE?
HUH?
SEE?
B-B-BROOKE SHIELDS. YOU CAN BARELY SEE ME.
OH, NO, BUT IT'S SO DRAMATIC.
IT'S SEXY. IT'S GREAT.
YEAH.
BUT WE'RE DOING COMEDY, BROOKE SHIELDS.
OKAY, STOP COMPLAINING AND ARGUING WITH ME.
I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.
BROOKE SHIELDS DONE LOST HER DAMN MIND.
[ LAUGHTER ]
NADINE? CAN SOMEBODY HELP ME OUT HERE?
THANK YOU.
DAMN. ALL RIGHT. UM...
BROOKE SHIELDS THINKS SHE'S IN CHICAGO NOW
DIRECTING "CHICAGO," HUH?
SO, LOOK, I'M GONNA SEE IF I CAN REGAIN CONTROL OF MY SHOW
AND, UH...AND MAYBE GET SOME LIGHTS BACK ON IN HERE.
Brooke: WANDA.
WANDA, DO ME A FAVOR AND CHEEK TO ONE.
CHEEK TO ONE.
HOLD THE LIGHT UP A LITTLE BIT, BUT CHEEK TO ONE.
OKAY, TOSS IT TO COMMERCIAL IN 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE "HERLARIOUS"
WITH BROOKE SHIELDS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
GOOD. GOOD.
Announcer: COMING UP...
SIR, I DON'T HAVE NO EXTRA KIDNEY.
Announcer: ...DOMINIQUE SHOWS HER GENEROUS SIDE.
IF I HAD THREE, I MIGHT GIVE YOU ONE.
Sometimes I think my family off the field...
is sweatier and messier than my family on the field.
So like the NFL I use Tide...
...because I'm the equipment manager in this house.
That's my Tide.
What's yours?
[ Female Announcer ] IMAGINE A MATCH MADE IN SKIN HEAVEN.
WITH VENUS AND OLAY.
OLAY MOISTURE BARS HELP LOCK IN MOISTURE FOR LESS DRYNESS
WHILE FIVE BLADES GET VENUS CLOSE.
REVEALING SMOOTH. AND GODDESS SKIN BEGINS.
ONLY FROM VENUS AND OLAY.
BE FEARLESS!
[ Female Announcer ] VOLUME WITHOUT FEAR OF CLUMPS.
COVERGIRL CLUMP CRUSHER.
BIG GREEN BRUSH, CURVED TO CRUSH.
200% MORE VOLUME.
ZERO CLUMPS.
CLUMP CRUSHER
FROM EASY, BREEZY, BEAUTIFUL
COVERGIRL.
[ Male Announcer ] NOT ALL TOOTHBRUSHES ARE THE SAME.
ORAL-B PRO-HEALTH TOOTHBRUSHES
HAVE CRISSCROSS BRISTLES
THAT REMOVE UP TO 90% OF HARD TO REACH PLAQUE.
FEEL THE DIFFERENCE.
ORAL-B, TRUST THE BRAND
MORE DENTISTS AND HYGIENISTS USE.
ORAL-B.
♪ ♪
[ Male Announcer ] WE ALL DESERVE A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP.
THANKFULLY, THERE'S ZZZQUIL.
IT'S NOT FOR COLDS,
IT'S NOT FOR PAIN,
IT'S JUST FOR SLEEP.
♪ ♪
BECAUSE SLEEP IS A BEAUTIFUL THING™.
♪ ♪
ZZZQUIL.
THE NON-HABIT FORMING SLEEP-AID FROM THE MAKERS OF NYQUIL®.
ALL RIGHT, WE'RE BACK.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YES.
BROOKE SHIELDS HAS LEFT THE BUILDING.
ACTUALLY, SHE WAS ESCORTED OUT.
SO, NOW LET'S GET BACK TO THE SHOW IN PEACE.
OKAY.
THIS WOMAN SOUNDS LIKE SHE'S FROM GENERATIONS OF FUNNY.
I BET HER ANCESTORS EVEN CRACKED JOKES
WHILE THEY WERE BEING CHASED BY A T-REX.
[ LAUGHTER ]
LET'S CHECK OUT DOMINIQUE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
GROWING UP, I WAS ALWAYS FUNNY, BUT I WOULD'VE NEVER THOUGHT
THAT I WOULD'VE BEEN A COMEDIAN --
THAT'S HOW I WOULD'VE MADE MY LIVING.
I WOULD'VE NEVER THOUGHT THAT.
I THOUGHT I WAS A SINGER,
BUT I CAN'T HOLD A TUNE TO SAVE MY LIFE.
BUT I WILL SING. I WILL SING --
LIKE, I'M TELLING YOU
LIKE I'M GLADYS KNIGHT OR SOMEBODY LIKE THAT.
SOUND HORRIBLE.
JUST NOT MY GIFT, BUT I CAN TELL A PRETTY FUNNY JOKE.
BEFORE I DID STAND-UP, I WORKED AT A OBGYN.
I ALSO WORKED AT THE POST OFFICE.
SO YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T GET A LOT OF YOUR MAIL.
PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR DOMINIQUE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WHAT'S GOING ON, CHI-TOWN?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I SEE Y'ALL IN HERE. AND Y'ALL LOOKING GOOD.
I'M FROM D.C. SO I, YOU KNOW -- ALL RIGHT.
D.C. IN THE HOUSE.
I'M FROM THE BLACKER SIDE OF D.C., TOO.
SOUTHEAST D.C.
YOU KNOW, SO I DIDN'T GROW UP WITH A LOT OF WHITE FRIENDS.
BUT, YOU KNOW, I LIVE IN L.A. NOW, SO I GOT WHITE FRIENDS.
I GOT ETHAN AND SETH, JEREMY AND MOLLY.
YOU KNOW, IT'S DIFFERENT.
I'M GOING OVER THEIR HOUSE FOR BARBECUES,
LEARNING HOW TO EAT ASPARAGUS.
LEARNING HOW TO EAT BRUSSELS SPROUTS.
I SAID, "JEREMY, WE DON'T EAT THE BABY CABBAGE.
"WE EAT THE BIG CABBAGE...
AND CHOP IT UP AND PUT IT IN THE PAN."
I SAID, "AND WE DON'T EAT PEAS IN THE POTATO SALAD, EITHER."
I SAID, "I AIN'T NEVER SEN THAT BEFORE."
I SAID, "BAD POTATO SALAD WILL RUIN OUR WHOLE BARBECUE."
WHEN YOUR AUNTIE WALK PAST THERE AND SEE THEM PEAS,
SHE GONNA SAY, "WHY THE HELL
"WOULD PEARL PUT PEAS IN THE POTATO SALAD?
"SHE DONE RUINED MY WHOLE DAMN MEAL.
"WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT?
"I DON'T EAT THAT RACHAEL RAY ***.
"WHY WOULD SHE PUT THAT IN MY POTATO SALAD?
"TAKE IT OFF THE TABLE. TAKE THAT OFF THE TABLE.
GIVE ME MY DRINK, THEN RUIN MY MEAL."
[ LAUGHTER ]
HAVING WHITE FRIENDS IS GOOD FOR ME,
BUT WHEN THEY START GETTING HIGH, I GO HOME.
I DON'T MESS AROUND WITH THAT METHAMPHETAMINE.
I SAID, "JEREMY, I AIN'T IN THAT MUCH PAIN."
A LITTLE WEED TAKE MY DEMONS AWAY.
I SAID, "YOU NEED AN INTERVENTION."
HE SAID, "WELL, WHY YOU GOING HOME?"
I SAID, "'CAUSE I'M THE ONLY BLACK PERSON IN HERE,
"SO WHEN Y'ALL GET TO HALLUCINATING
AND GET ALL HIGHED UP, I'M GONNA BE THE JOKE."
I SAID, "I WATCH TOO MUCH CRIME TV FOR THAT.
"YOU'LL NEVER CHOP MY HEAD OFF
AND HIDE IT BEHIND THE GROCERY STORE SOME DAMN WAY."
I SAID, "I SEEN THIS EPISODE LAST NIGHT.
YOU'LL NEVER HAVE ME ON 'NANCY GRACE'."
I SAID, "HELL NO."
YOU KNOW, I SAID, "I KNOW WHEN TO DO MY BEST KENNY ROGERS.
"I KNOW WHEN TO HOLD THEM, KNOW WHEN TO FOLD THEM,
KNOW WHEN TO WALK AWAY.
I'M RUNNING OUT OF HERE."
YEAH, BUT YOU KNOW, IT'S GOOD.
HAVING WHITE FRIENDS IS GOOD FOR ME, YOU KNOW?
BECAUSE WE HAVE A LOT
OF DIFFERENT DEBATES AND DISCUSSIONS.
LIKE, EVEN DURING THE ELECTION,
WE HAD THIS BIG DEBATE ABOUT WHO THEY WERE GONNA VOTE FOR.
SO, THEY FELT LIKE THEY WERE GONNA VOTE FOR MITT ROMNEY.
SO, I ASKED THEM WHY.
I SAID, "Y'ALL RICH?"
THEY SAID, "NO."
I SAID, "OKAY, IF YOU WHITE AND YOU AIN'T RICH,
YOU HONEY BOO BOOING THEM."
I SAID, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU THOUGHT,
BUT THAT'S WHAT HE THINK."
I SAID, "HONEY BOO BOO CAN'T FORM A COMPLETE SENTENCE,
"BUT WHEN THEY ASKED HER IF SHE COULD VOTE,
"WHO WOULD SHE VOTE FOR,
SHE STOOD THERE AND SHE SAID, 'LOCK OLAMA!'"
I SAID, "I KNOW DAMN WELL YOU ARE."
EAT MAYONNAISE FOR A SNACK, YOU GONNA NEED HEALTHCARE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WATCH OUT FOR SOCIAL MEDIA, TOO, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
WATCH OUT FOR THAT SOCIAL MEDIA. IT'S CRAZY.
FACEBOOK AND ALL THAT, IT'S FOR FUN, BUT IT'S CRAZY.
I KNEW IT WAS BAD
WHEN MY BIOLOGICAL FATHER FOUND ME ON FACEBOOK.
I AIN'T TALKED TO THIS MAN IN ALMOST 40 YEARS,
AND HE SEND ME A FRIEND REQUEST.
I SAID, "THAT'S A DAMN SHAME." YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
AND I WASN'T GONNA BE HIS FRIEND,
BUT MY MOTHER SAID, "BEFRIEND HIM.
HE OWE ME MONEY."
I SAID, "OKAY, MOM."
YOU KNOW, AND I DIDN'T MISS HIM. [ CHUCKLES ]
YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T MISS HIM
BECAUSE I HAD A STEPFATHER, YOU KNOW, THAT RAISED ME.
I DON'T EVEN LIKE TO CALL HIM A STEPFATHER
'CAUSE THAT'S MY FATHER.
HE HAD ME MY WHOLE LIFE, YOU KNOW?
[ APPLAUSE ]
SO, THIS PARTICULAR DUDE, I DIDN'T MISS HIM.
BUT, YOU KNOW, I GOT TO LISTEN TO MY MAMA, SO I ACCEPTED.
I KNOW, BUT HE HAD NO MONEY.
YOU KNOW, BUT I CALLED HIM, YOU KNOW.
HE SAID, "HOW YOU DOING?" I SAID, "I'M ALL RIGHT."
HE SAID, "WELL, WHAT YOU BEEN UP TO?"
I SAID, "FOR THE LAST 40 YEARS?"
I SAID, "I GOT TO WRITE A BOOK TO SAY ALL THAT ***."
I SAID, "I'M OKAY." I SAID, "WELL, HOW YOU DOING?"
HE SAID, "WELL, YOU KNOW, I'M HANGING IN THERE."
I SAID, "OKAY."
HE SAID, "I'M SICK, YOU KNOW?" I SAID, "ALL RIGHT."
I SAID, "WELL, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?"
HE SAID, "WELL, YOU KNOW, I NEED A KIDNEY TRANSPLANT."
I SAID, "OKAY, SO WHAT YOU GONNA DO?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I'M NOT PUTTING TWO AND TWO TOGETHER.
I SAID, "SO, WHAT YOU GONNA DO?"
HE SAID, "THAT'S WHY I'M CALLING ALL MY KIDS."
I SAID, "OH, NO."
I SAID, "SIR, I DON'T HAVE NO EXTRA KIDNEY."
I SAID, "I AIN'T GOT BUT TWO.
IF I HAD THREE, I MIGHT GIVE YOU ONE."
I SAID, "YOU THROWING ME OFF.
"YOU AIN'T OFFERED TO TAKE ME TO LUNCH OR NOTHING.
YOU GONNA ASK FOR A KIDNEY ON THE FIRST CONVERSATION?"
I SAID, "THAT'S RUDE AS HELL."
[ LAUGHTER ]
I SAID, "WELL, WHY YOUR KIDNEYS BAD?"
HE SAID, "WELL, YOU KNOW I'M AN ALCOHOLIC."
I SAID, "SIR, I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT YOU."
I SAID, "BUT WHY WOULD I GIVE YOU MY HEALTHY KIDNEY
"SO YOU CAN DRINK MY KIDNEY UNDER THE TABLE
"AND I GOT TO DRINK WATER AND RUN MARATHONS
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?"
I SAID, "THAT DON'T MAKE NO SENSE."
"WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO."
I SAID, "WELL, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO PRAY
"AND ASK THE LORD TO LET HIS WILL BE DONE.
"AND IF YOU MAKE IT, THERE IT IS.
"IF YOU DON'T, THERE IT IS,
'CAUSE I AIN'T GIVING YOU A DAMN THING."
YOU KNOW.
SO, HE KEPT TALKING AND TALKING.
HE SAID, "WELL, THINK ABOUT IT."
I SAID, "SIR, THE ANSWER IS NO."
I SAID, "YOU GONNA PRESS ME NOW, HUH?"
I SAID, "OKAY, WELL, I GOT TO GO."
HE SAID, "OKAY. WHEN YOU GONNA CALL ME BACK?"
I SAID, "IN ABOUT 40 YEARS."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
SO, I HUNG UP AND I CALLED MY FATHER, YOU KNOW.
I SAID, "DAD, I TALKED TO HIM."
HE SAID, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
I SAID, "HE ASKED FOR A KIDNEY."
MY FATHER SAID, [ LAUGHS ] "***!"
[ LAUGHS ]
HE SAID, "WELL, WHAT DID YOU SAY?"
I SAID, "I HUNG UP AND I BLOCKED HIS ***."
REPORTED HIM AS SPAM. GET HIM OFF MY PAGE.
HE DIED ABOUT TWO MONTHS LATER.
OH, Y'ALL SAD FOR HIM?
I MIGHT'VE BEEN A MATCH, BUT WE'LL NEVER KNOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
LOOK AT ALL THE MEN LOOKING ALL SERIOUS NOW.
[ CHUCKLES ]
YOU GOT TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR KIDS IN CASE YOU NEED A KIDNEY.
I'M DOMINIQUE. GOD BLESS YOU.
YOU ALL BEEN EXCELLENT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
ONE MORE TIME FOR DOMINIQUE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
STAY WITH US. WE'LL BE BACK.
THANK YOU.
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATION ]
♪ ♪
[ Male Announcer ] HARVEY'S I'M SO HAPPY YOU'RE HOME DANCE.
THAT'S REAL LOVE.
AND SO IS GIVING HIM REAL TASTY FOOD.
BUT SOME LEADING DOG FOOS
ADD SUGAR, DYES,
OR EVEN ARTIFICIAL PRESERVATIVES.
[ DOG WHIMPERS ]
BUT NOW THERE'S NEW SO GOOD! FROM IAMS.
WITH 100% REAL WHOLESOME INGREDIENTS
AND NONE OF THOSE OTHER THINGS.
NOW THAT'S REAL LOVE.
SO IS THAT.
NEW SO GOOD!
SEE WHAT'S REALLY IN YOUR DOG'S BOWL AT IAMS.COM.
♪ ♪
OH.
♪ ♪
[ Female Announcer ] STRESS SWEAT SMELLS THE WORST.
AND Secret Clinical Strength
GIVES YOU FOUR TIMES THE PROTECTION AGAINST I.
Secret Clinical Strength.
THE CHEVY MALIBU OFFERS
AN IMPRESSIVE EPA ESTIMATED 34 MPG HIGHWAY...
AND DURING CHEVY'S MODEL YEAR-END EVENT
YOU'RE GETTING A GREAT DEAL ON OUR REMAINING 2013 MODELS,
BUT THEY'RE GOING FAST.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
MOVING IN. BEFORE SOMEONE ELSE DOES.
OHHH...GREAT.
[ Male Announcer ] THE CHEVY MODEL YEAR-END EVENT.
THE 13s ARE GOING FAST, TIME TO GET YOURS.
RIGHT NOW, GET THIS GREAT LEASE ON A 2013 CHEVY MALIBU LS
FOR AROUND $169 A MONTH.
[ Rob ] OUR DAUGHTER IS ALL KATE.
THEY HAVE THE SAME WALK. SAME GRIN.
AND THE SAME BEAUTIFUL HAIR.
[ Female Announcer ] WITH NICE 'N EASY,
GET THE MOST NATURAL SHADE OF YOU.
IN ONE STEP, COLORBLEND FORMULA
GIVES EXPERT HIGHLIGHTS AND LOWLIGHTS.
FOR COLOR SO TRUE TO YOU,
THEY MAY THINK YOU WERE BORN WITH IT.
[ Rob ] SHE'S A MINI KATE.
I'M A LUCKY GUY.
[ Female Announcer ] WITH THE EXPERT HIGHLIGHTS AND LOWLIGHTS OF NICE 'N EASY,
GET THE MOST NATURAL SHAE OF YOU.
[ Female Announcer ] YOU WON'T BELIEVE YOUR EYES.
WITH OLAY REGENERIST EYE AND LASH DUO.
THE SERUM INSTANTLY THICKENS AND DEFINES LASHES.
THE CREAM SMOOTHS AND SOFTENS THE LOOK OF LINES.
♪ ♪
SO WOW!
ANOTHER EYE OPENER FROM OLAY.
YOU GUYS, I'M REALLY WORRIED ABOUT WANDA.
I KNOW. SHE'S ACTING A LITTLE STRANGE, RIGHT?
A LITTLE? THAT CHICK DONE LOST HER MIND.
I THINK IT'S BEING HERE AT OWN.
WITH OPRAH GONE, SHE'S WALKING AROUND
LIKE SHE'S THE NEW QUEEN OF CHICAGO.
MAYBE WE SHOULD SAY SOMETHING.
I AIN'T SAYING NOTHING.
THEM PEOPLE PUT ME IN A NICE HOTEL,
FREE LIQUOR IN THE GREENROOM.
I DON'T CARE IF THAT LITTLE LADY GOES AMANDA BYNES.
I STILL THINK WE SHOULD SAY SOMETHING.
I LIKE WANDA.
I DON'T WANT TO SEE HER GO OFF THE RAILS,
CRASH AND BURN, RIGHT?
UNLESS I CAN TWEET IT.
YOU WANT TO SAY SOMETHING ABOUT IT?
NOW'S YOUR CHANCE.
SHUG, CELIE, SQUEAK.
WANDA.
I'M SORRY. MISS SOFIA?
YES?
ARE YOU OKAY?
WE'RE WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
I'M NOT.
I'M FINE. WHY -- WHY DO YOU ASK?
YOU WON'T LET US CALL YOU BY YOUR REAL NAME
AND YOU'RE DRESSED LIKE MRS. BUTTERWORTH.
YEAH, AND YOU LOOK LIKE
YOU NEED ONE OF THEM HUG-YOURSELF JACKETS.
OKAY.
MISS SOFIA'S GONNA TELLS Y'ALL THE TRUTH.
I LOST A BET WITH MISS OPRAH, AND SHE MADE ME DRESS LIKE THIS
AND PRETEND TO BE THIS FICTIONAL CHARACTER FOR A WEEK.
[ GASPS ] THAT'S AWFUL.
Gloria: TERRIBLE.
INDEED.
THAT *** IS HILARIOUS. [ LAUGHS ]
YOU THINK THIS IS BAD,
YOU SHOULD SEE WHAT SHE MADE KYM WHITLEY DO.
DON'T EVEN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER ONE MORE TIME FOR TONIGHT'S COMEDIANS --
GLORIA BIGELOW,
ANDI SMITH, DOMINIQUE,
AND OUR SPECIAL GUEST FOR THE EVENING,
THE ONE AND THE ONLY BROOKE SHIELDS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S OUR SHOW FOR THE EVENING.
THANKS FOR WATCHING AND GOOD NIGHT.
-- Captions by VITAC -- www.vitac.com
CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY DISCOVERY COMMUNICATIONS
HEY!
YOU'RE IYANLA VANZANT.
I SURE AM, MY BELOVED.
IYANLA, FIX MY FLAT.
I CAN TRY, BOO.
I FELT THAT I NEEDED TO GET THE TIRE
SOMEPLACE AWAY FROM THE CITY AND THE TRAFFIC
AND SEE WHAT HAD CAUSED THIS FLAT.
I MEAN, DEEP DOWN.
SO, I HAD THE TIRE BROUGHT OUT TO MY RETREAT.
SO, DO YOU KNOW WHY YOU ARE FLAT?
I MEAN, THE REAL REASON WHY YOU ARE FLAT?
THE SURFACE IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
IT'S THE INNER TUBE THAT WE MUST DEAL WITH.
I WANTED YOUR FAMILY TO BE HERE, AS WELL.
IT'S YOUR BIG SISTER I'M INTERESTED IN AT THE MOMENT.
MISS TIRE?
YOU'VE GOT A WEIGHT PROBLEM.
YOU NEED TO LET SOME AIR OUT.
[ AIR HISSES ]
DON'T YOU HISS AT ME.
TREAD LIGHTLY, BOO.
TREAD LIGHTLY.
WELL, I JUST GOT SOME INFORMATION FROM MY PRODUCER.
ARE YOU HIGH RIGHT NOW?
HMM?
IT WAS HARD GAUGING THAT TIRE,
BUT FINALLY, I FELT LIKE I HAD A BREAKTHROUGH.
IF YOU STAY FLAT, WHAT WILL HAPPEN?
[ Female voice ] I WON'T ROLL.
YES!
YOU WON'T ROLL!
[ LAUGHS ]
HALLELUJAH! [ CLAPS ]
YES!
OKAY, EVERYBODY TO ME.
WE NEED SOME HUGS.
[ LAUGHS ]
DID SOME GOOD WORK. DID SOME GOOD WORK.
I -- I KNOW, YOU'RE NOT READY.
YOU'RE NOT READY.
IT'S OKAY, BELOVED.
YEAH.
WHERE THE HELL IS MY TIRE?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
Woman: Y'ALL READY?
♪ HEY, HEY, YEAH ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
Announcer: AND NOW,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE WELCOME
A WOMAN WHO SPEAKS TRUTH TO POWER
AT 3:30 A.M. IN A CASINO,
WANDA SYKES!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU, THANK YOU. COME ON, HAVE A SEAT.
HAVE A SEAT. HAVE A SEAT.
THANK Y'ALL SO MUCH, THANK YOU.
AND WELCOME, WELCOME TO HARPO.
WELCOME TO "HERLARIOUS."
I'M SO GLAD Y'ALL ARE HERE,
AND I REALLY HOPE IYANLA HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M SERIOUS, 'CAUSE THAT WOULD BE AWFU.
I DON'T WANT TO GET MY *** WHUPPED
WHILE SOMEBODY'S CALLING ME BELOVED AND BOO.
"DO YOU KNOW WHY I'M WHUPPING YOUR ***, BOO?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
WELL, I'M SURE SHE HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, ANYBODY WHO COULD SIT DOWN
AND TRY TO RATIONALIZE WITH DMX,
YOU -- YOU GOT TO BE ABLE TO LAUGH AT YOURSELF.
Y'ALL SEE THAT ***?
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT WAS SOME CRAZY ***.
RIGHT?
I MEAN, EVEN -- EVEN IYANLA WAS, LIKE, "OH, BOY.
I BIT OFF A LITTLE BIT MOE THAN I CAN CHEW."
IT WAS SO BAD.
I WAS SITTING THERE GOING, "YOU KNOW WHAT?
I NEED -- I NEED SOME WEED. JESUS."
[ LAUGHTER ]
I DON'T EVEN SMOKE WEED...
ANYMORE.
BUT ANYWAY.
BUT ANYWAY, DON'T WORRY,
'CAUSE THERE WILL BE NO DRAMA ON THIS SHOW.
IT'S ALL ABOUT COMEDY TONIGHT.
YES, IT'S ALL ABOUT SOME COMEDY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
AND WE HAVE
SOME VERY FUNNY WOMEN COMING TO THE STAGE TONIGHT.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT CRACKS ME UP, IS THAT, I KEEP GETTING ASKED,
"WANDA, WHY ARE YOU DOING A SHOW WITH ALL FEMALE COMICS?"
I'M, LIKE, "BECAUSE OPRAH ASKED ME TO."
[ LAUGHTER ]
SHOOT, OPRAH ASKED YOU TO DO SOMETHING,
YOU MOVE, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
SHOOT, SHE COULD HAVE ASKED ME TO DO A SHOW WITH A --
WITH ALL GOLDEN RETRIEVERS, I'M TELLING YOU.
I'D HAVE BEEN UP HERE WITH SOME OF THE FUNNIEST
GOLDEN RETRIEVERS YOU'VE EVER SEEN.
I'D BE UP HERE WITH SOME SNAUSAGES AND BACON IN MY PANTS.
DOG BISCUITS.
"OH, GOOD JOKE, SHADOW.
"GOOD BOY, GOOD BOY.
HEEL, FETCH, FETCH."
I'M TELLING YOU, MAN.
I HAVE TO TELL YOU,
REALLY HAPPY TO BE HERE, AND Y'ALL LOOK GREAT.
GIVE YOURSELVES APPLAUSE, ROUND OF APPLAUSE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
EVERYBODY LOOKING SHARP,
SMELLING GOOD.
SO I WANT Y'ALL TO JUST RELAX,
AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, ALL RIGHT?
OKAY.
Announcer: WHEN WE RETURN,
MARINA FRANKLIN LOVES BEING A COUGAR.
I got your baby boy.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND LATER,
A MAGICAL PERFORMANCE FROM KYM WHITLEY.
NOW YOU SEE IT, NOW YOU DON'T.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SASSOON EXPERTS WOULD NEVER SETTLE FOR SMOOTH
THAT JUST FLIES AWAY.
WITH THE VIDAL SASSOON SMOOTH COLLECTION
NOW SLEEK MEETS CHIC.
EXTREME SMOOTH COMBING crème
DEFIES FRIZZ AND FLY-AWAS FOR UP TO 24 HOURS.
VIDAL SASSOON SMOOTH.
SALON GENIUS. AFFORDABLE FOR ALL.
THIS IS SO SO SOFT.
HEY HUN, REMEMBER YOU ONLY NEED A FEW SHEETS.
HMPH!
[ Female Announcer ] CHARMIN ULTRA SOFT
IS MADE WITH EXTRA CUSHIONS
THAT ARE SOFT AND MORE ABSORBENT.
PLUS YOU CAN USE FOUR TIMES LESS.
CHARMIN ULTRA SOFT.
[ Female Announcer ] YOU WON'T BELIEVE YOUR EYES.
WITH OLAY REGENERIST EYE AND LASH DUO.
THE SERUM INSTANTLY THICKENS AND DEFINES LASHES.
THE CREAM SMOOTHS AND SOFTENS THE LOOK OF LINES.
♪ ♪
SO WOW!
ANOTHER EYE OPENER FROM OLAY.
What if we took
all this produce
from Walmart
and secretly served it up
in the heart of peach country.
It's a Fresh-Over.
We want you
to eat some peaches
and tell us what you think.
They're really juicy.
It must have just come
from the farm.
This right here
is ideal for me.
Walmart works directly
with growers to get
you the best quality
produce they've ever had.
What would you do
if I told you all this produce
is from Walmart?
Wow!
Is it really?
(laughter)
Find fresh peaches and all your quality produce.
Backed by our 100% Money Back Guarantee.
Walmart.
[ Female Announcer ] WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR SMILE,
THE COFFEE YOU DRINK ADDS UP OVER THE YEARS...
CAUSING DEEP, SET-IN STAINS.
CREST 3D WHITE WHITESTRIS
GO BEYOND WHERE MOST TOOTHPASTES CAN REACH,
SAFELY REMOVING STAINS BELOW THE ENAMEL SURFACE
TO WHITEN AS WELL AS A $500 TREATMENT.
CREST 3D WHITE WHITESTRIPS.
♪ HEY, HEY, YEAH ♪
ALL RIGHT.
HER SERIAL DATING IS WHAT FUELS
THIS CHICAGO NATIVE'S COMIC MISADVENTURES.
ALL RIGHT. LET'S MEET MARINA FRANKLIN.
I HAD A GUY ONCE APPROACH ME ON THE STREET AND SAY,
"HEY, YOU'RE THAT GIRL WHO HAS PROBLEMS WITH RELATIONSHIPS."
[ LAUGHTER ]
I TALK ABOUT EVERY GUY THAT I'VE EVER DATED.
THEY'RE NOT SAFE WHEN THEY DATE ME.
I PUT THEIR BUSINESS OUT THERE ON THE STREET.
IF THEY'VE LOST A FIGHT, AND I'VE SEEN IT,
IT'S GOING ONSTAGE.
IF THEY DIDN'T HAVE A JOB, IT'S GOING ONSTAGE.
IF THEY WERE JUST A LOSER, IT'S GOING ONSTAGE.
LET'S HEAR IT FOR CHICAGO'S OWN MARINA FRANKLIN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU!
CHICAGO!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YES!
OH, IT'S GREAT TO BE HOME.
YEAH.
I AM ORIGINALLY FROM CHICAGO, AND I LOVE THIS.
THIS IS ALSO THE HOME OF BARACK OBAMA, RIGHT?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
OUR LORD AND SAVIOR.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I LOVE HIM.
I ALSO LOVE MICHELLE OBAMA.
YEAH. YOU HAVE TO.
I JUST -- I THINK SHE'S JUST SO CLASSY AND JUST SUCH A LADY.
LIKE, I WAS ACTUALLY THINKING THIS.
SHE'S FROM CHICAGO. I'M FROM CHICAGO.
I COULD HAVE BEEN...
[ LAUGHTER ]
...A FIRST LADY.
BUT THEY WOULD HAVE DONE THAT BACKGROUND CHECK.
AND I AIN'T NO LADY.
SO, MY NAME IS MARINA,
WHICH IS, BY THE WAY, IT'S NOT A GREAT AFRICAN NAME.
I DID NOT GET ONE. I APOLOGIZE.
MY SISTER GOT THE AFRICAN NAME.
HER NAME'S NYELA, WHICH MEANS "ONE WHO SUCCEEDS."
MARINA, THAT'S ME.
MEANS "A PLACE WHERE YOU DOCK BOATS."
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU CAN TAKE THAT ANY WAY YOU WANT TO.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
I LIVE IN HARLEM, NEW YORK, NOW.
THAT'S WHERE I LIVE, WHICH IS ACTUALLY CHANGING.
YOU KNOW, LIKE, THERE ARE WHITE PEOPLE IN HARLEM NOW.
IT'S GENTRIFIED, YOU KNOW.
YOU COULD TELL THERE ARE WHITE PEOPLE IN HARLEM.
THERE ARE SIGNS.
LIKE, WE GOT, LIKE, THREE STARBUCKS.
SALAD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHITE PEOPLE BRING SALAD.
THAT'S GREAT.
LIKE, THE FIRST TIME I SAW A RIPE TOMATO --
A RIPE TOMATO --
I WAS, LIKE, "OOH.
"THEY COMING.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
THAT IS A NICE TOMATO RIGHT THERE."
SO, I JUST GOT OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP.
THAT'S OBVIOUS. [ LAUGHS ]
HE WAS VERY YOUNG.
HE WAS THE YOUNGEST GUY I'VE EVER DATED.
HE WAS 11 YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME.
HE WAS YOUNG AND WHITE, SO, NOT A COUGAR.
BLACK PANTHER.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
OH, YEAH. I WAS A REAL PREDATOR.
NOW, THIS WAS THE WHITEST GUY I EVER DATED.
LIKE, HE JUST, YOU KNOW,
NEVER BEEN AROUND BLACK PEOPLE HIS WHOLE --
AND BY THE WAY, I DON'T JUST DATE WHITE GUYS.
IT'S JUST, THE ECONOMY WAS BAD, SO, YOU KNOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHAT? IT'S LIKE, A STORM IS COMING.
I NEED MY WHITE GUY.
BUT THIS WAS.
THIS IS THE WHITEST GUY I EVER DATED.
JUST NEVER BEEN AROUND BLACK PEOPLE HIS WHOLE LIFE,
AND I'M LEARNING THAT SOME WHITE PEOPLE CAN DO THAT,
JUST NOT BE AROUND US.
BLACK PEOPLE, WE CAN'T DO THAT.
YOU GUYS ARE ALWAYS IN OUR [BLEEP] LIVES.
YOU KNOW?
JUST SHOWING UP, LIKE, "HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
MEETING HIS MOM -- NOW, THAT WAS A SITUATION.
'CAUSE HE HAD TO TELL HER AHEAD OF TIME
THAT I WAS OLDER 11 YEARS, BLACK.
THAT'S A LOT.
I COULDN'T WAIT TO MEET HER.
'CAUSE WHEN I MET HER, I TOLD HER.
"I got your baby boy."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I WAS THINKING ABOUT HAVING CHILDREN WITH HIM,
BUT THEN I ALSO SEE SOME OF THE MOTHERS THAT HAVE KIDS,
AND THEY LOOK LIKE THEY HAVE LOST THEIR MINDS.
SO, IT MAKES YOUR CLOCK TICKING STOP.
THIS IS GONNA BE A CHILD THAT SHE WAS YELLING AT.
SHE WAS JUST, LIKE, "GET YOUR *** OVER HERE.
"I SAID, GET IT OVER HERE!
"NOW, WHAT THE HELL YOU CRYING FOR?!
STOP CALLING ME MOM!"
THAT'S CONFUSING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I LOOKED AT HER.
I WAS, LIKE, "OH, MY GOD."
I WAS, LIKE, "YOU DON'T TALK TO A CHILD LIKE THAT."
SHE LOOKED AT ME.
SHE WAS, LIKE, "WHAT THE HELL YOU LOOKING AT, HUH?
YOU WANT TO RAISE MY CHILD?"
"NO.
YOU DOING A GREAT JOB."
I WAS SCARED. I RAN THREE LONG BLOCKS.
I DON'T EVEN LIKE RUNNING.
I WAS LIKE, "DON'T LOOK BACK.
JUST KEEP GOING."
BUT YOU CAN'T HELP IT. YOU WANT TO SEE WHAT'S GOING ON.
I LOOKED BACK FOR JUST A SECOND.
SHE WAS STILL STANDING THERE LOOKING AT ME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
[ LAUGHTER INTENSIFIES ]
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
MARINA FRANKLIN, EVERYBODY!
SIT YOUR *** DOWN. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
RIGHT IN THERE. THAT WAS GREAT.
Announcer: NEXT UP...
PLEASE LAUGH AT MY JOKES. I HAVE A HEART MURMUR.
[ LAUGHTER ]
...CARMEN LYNCH'S FAREWELL PERFORMANCE.
YOU KNOW THROUGHOUT HISTORY,
FOLKS HAVE SUFFERED FROM FREQUENT HEARTBURN.
BUT GETTING HEARTBURN AND THEN TREATING DAY AFTER DAY
IS A THING OF THE PAST.
BLOCK THE ACID WITH PRILOSEC OTC,
AND DON'T GET HEARTBURN IN THE FIRST PLACE.
[ Male Announcer ] ONE PILL EACH MORNIN.
24 HOURS. ZERO HEARTBURN.
A HOT SMELLY CAR VERSUS A FEBREZE CAR VENT CLIP.
WHICH COMES OUT ON TOP?
IT'S JUST NICE.
THAT'S WHAT I WAS THINKING!
FRESH.
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKING. YEAH.
FRESH.
FRESH.
LIKE I COULD WRAP MYSELF IN IT.
ODORS ARE NO MATCH FOR FEBREZE. BREATHE HAPPY.
♪ HEY ♪
ALL RIGHT! WELCOME BACK.
THE NEXT COMEDIAN MADE HER DEBUT
ON "THE LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN."
BORN IN SPAIN, SHE'S FLUENT IN TWO LANGUAGES --
SPANISH AND SARCASM.
LET'S MEET CARMEN LYNCH.
IF I HAD TO DESCRIBE MY COMEDY,
I GUESS DEADPAN WOULD BE THE BEST WORD.
I ACTUALLY HAD BEEN PERFORMING IN SPANISH,
SO, IT'S BEEN KIND OF FUN TO GO TO SPAIN.
I'M MORE ANIMATED IN SPANISH.
[ SPEAKS SPANISH ]
YOU KNOW, LIKE, IT'S JUST -- THERE'S MORE --
[ ROLLS TONGUE ]
[ LAUGHS ]
LIKE, IN ENGLISH,
I'M JUST, LIKE, "HEY, WHAT'S UP?"
SOMETIMES THAT HAPPENS WHEN I PERFORM IN SPAIN,
AND THEY LOOK AT ME LIKE
THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND DEADPAN VERY MUCH YET.
THEY DON'T REALLY GET SARCASM AS WELL AS WE DO.
SO, THEY JUST KIND OF LOOK AT ME LIKE I'M WEIRD.
THEN I JUST THINK,
"WELL, I DON'T HAVE TO LIE IN THIS COUNTRY.
I CAN JUST GO BACK TO AMERICA, AND I'LL BE FINE."
[ LAUGHTER ]
GIVE IT UP FOR CARMEN LYNCH!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
IT'S SO GOOD TO BE HERE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
PLEASE LAUGH AT MY JOKES.
I HAVE A HEART MURMUR.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO...
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'M OKAY WITH IT.
I DON'T THINK I'M GONNA LIVE A LONG LIFE,
'CAUSE I'VE NEVER SEEN ANY REALLY TALL OLD LADIES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THANK YOU FOR LAUGHING AT THAT.
THIS COULD BE MY LAST SHOW.
I'M DOING YOGA.
IT'S ALL RIGHT. IT'S ALL RIGHT.
THEY JUST HAVE THESE WEIRD NAMES FOR POSES,
YOU KNOW, LIKE THE HAPPY BABY POSE.
YEAH, YOU JUST LIE ON YOUR BACK,
AND YOU SPREAD YOUR LEGS ALL THE WAY.
[ AUDIENCE WHOOs ]
AND THEY YOU HAVE TO PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR FEET
SO YOUR LEGS REMAIN SPREAD EAGLE.
AND THEN, SOME GUY COMES IN AND [BLEEP] YOU.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
SO...
YEAH.
YEAH.
BREAKUPS ARE THE WORST.
I'M SURE SOME OF YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT IT,
BUT YOU JUST CAN'T TALK ABOUT IT 'CAUSE THAT PERSON'S HERE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THERE'S SO MUCH CONFLICT AND CONFRONTATION IN A BREAKUP,
SO MUCH ANXIETY.
LIKE, ONE TIME I HAD TO BREAK UP WITH THIS GUY,
AND HE WAS, LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?"
AND I WAS, LIKE, "THE DOOR. I JUST WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE."
[ LAUGHTER ]
UGH.
BREAKUPS SUCK BECAUSE YOU BREAK UP,
AND THEN YOU SEE ALL KINDS OF STUFF
THAT REMINDS YOU OF THAT PERSON,
AND THEN IT'S REALLY HARD TO GET OVER THEM, YOU KNOW?
LIKE, I DATED A BLACK GUY FOR A WHILE,
AND THEN WE BROKE UP.
AND, LIKE, A WEEK LATER,
THERE WERE BLACK PEOPLE EVERYWHERE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I WAS, LIKE, "I'M NEVER GONNA GET OVER THIS GUY.
HE'S ALL OVER THE PLACE."
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO, I HAVE TO WEAR A MOUTH GUARD AT NIGHT,
WHICH IS NOT ATTRACTIVE AT ALL.
SO, IF I'M DATING SOMEONE,
AND HE COMES OVER THAT FIRST TIME,
AND I'M WEARING MY MOUTH GUAR,
I HAVE TO COME UP WITH A REASON WHY THAT'S, LIKE, SEXY,
SO HE DOESN'T RUN OUT THE DOOR.