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[car door closes]
[engine starting]
[engine revs]
["On the Road Again" playing]
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[honking]
[soft rock music playing]
This is night one.
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We're gonna wake up in the morning and try to find waves.
[man 1 blowing nose]
[man 2 laughing]
[man 1] What?
Life on the road.
I think somebody just stepped on a duck.
Just got up.
Suit's flexible.
And I'm ready to go.
No brekkie. Just out there.
[wolf howling]
[Donovan] Is it good out there right now?
[Barney] Yeah, it's cold, though.
-[Donovan] There's that wave over there. -[Timmy] Where's my hood?
[Donovan] Better be freaking good, guys.
[Barney] What if I told you there's a wave?
[all laughing]
["Exactly Where I'm At" playing]
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[waves crashing]
[upbeat country music playing]
[rhythmic scratching]
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[rhythmic scratching]
Swervy!
That noise is our wonderful windshield wiper right here.
[scratching continues]
There is nothing better than loud windshield wipers.
It makes you feel good. It keeps you positive,
awake, and just ready to drive 15 more hours.
Um--
What else has happened?
[fast clicking]
That's how you get a turn signal on this pile of crap.
Everything is falling apart.
This car is falling apart.
We have lost it, people!
[country music playing]
So, Greg, where are we surfing today?
What's going on? Where are we at?
[Greg] There's a spot just up from... Just down from...
Greg, all you do is complain the whole time.
Look, don't worry.
It'll be fine. It's going to be glassy tonight.
There goes the back end, but that's okay, we still have the front.
-Okay. -[all laughing]
Here we are.
Keith Malloy, get up,
-change your diapers, and let's surf. -[all laugh]
[rock song playing]
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[soft rock music playing]
[Donovan] You guys going now?
We're gonna play some of this game for a little while.
Shut the video games off.
[Donovan] Dude, video games?
What the hell is going on in this cabin?
We're rocking out. We've got a CD player in our car.
You can only play about five seconds of each song.
You can't really buy the rights to this Beatles stuff.
[Beatles song playing]
-[music stops] -That's all you get.
[music playing]
-[music stops] -That's all you get.
[music playing]
-[music stops] -That's all you get.
[Jaws theme music playing]
[Donovan] They said it wasn't sharky. What's the story?
Oh, there's Little Stumpy, they call her. 28-foot female shark attack.
-[Donovan] A great white? -Yeah.
They don't like that down south.
[Donovan laughing]
Lightning is not going to strike twice in the same spot.
[Donovan] Why? Somebody got eaten out there?
[laughing] Yup.
We're gonna go try to find some surf at another cove round the corner that Rat's got--
He's got secret sandbars around the corner.
We're gonna go check it out.
Hop in, go for a ride.
[soft rock music playing]
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[sobbing] I just lost my glasses.
Did you see that? Did everybody see that?
I just lost my glasses out the window.
Those were $150 pair of Guccis I just lost out the [bleep] window.
[Greg] Really?
Let's go back and get them?
[Timmy] No, they just freaking flew off.
[Barney] Dude, I don't think you'd find them.
["How It's Done" playing]
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[wind blowing]
Yeah, all turtles look good.
Life on the road. When you gotta go, you gotta go.
And I gotta go.
Bart, the dog jumped through the window.
[Barney] Look. The dog has a doggy door now.
[Donovan] Good girl!
[Greg] You guys got doggie insurance or--
[Donovan cooing]
[makes kissing noises]
Come here.
[makes kissing noises]
I lost my glasses.
[guitar playing]
[Barney] ♪ Driving through Driving through ♪
♪ Not gonna stop because We're just driving through ♪
[Barney] ♪ We're just driving through ♪
♪ It's just fanning you ♪
[laughter]
[Barney] ♪ That's why we're just Driving through ♪
["Buck Rogers" playing]
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[waves splashing]
[baby crying]
I wonder if people could smell my breath over this.
-[Barney] I can. -[Greg] Bad breath.
[Donovan] She packed you the sunscreen, dude, but forgot about the toothbrush.
I cannot believe I haven't brushed my teeth in a week and a half.
You have sweaters on your teeth right now.
[all laughing]
I'm trying to like figure out if he wants to knit more sweaters on those teeth or take them off.
[all laughing]
[Greg] Tape's running out.
[Donovan] I told you that an hour ago.
[Greg] Tim, no dumping.
I can't even brush my teeth in this damn bathroom.
[Greg] Look at this place, dude.
[Donovan] You have to brush outside. We're camping, dude.
Were you ever in Cub Scouts, dude?
[Timmy] You're camping. I'm not camping.
I don't camp.
-This is summer camp. -[Timmy] What is this?
[Greg] What's what?
It's a pig sty.
[Barney] Surfing summer camp, dude.
Were you guys raised in freaking RVs?
[all laughing]
I don't even know what I'm doing in this RV.
I'm trying to sleep.
I keep waking up every morning with muscle aches.
Back problems.
I want out.
I'm over it.
[Donovan] It'll be fine, dude. We just gotta start moving around.
Yeah. It's hard when we're stuck in the same spot.
[Donovan] Yeah, it turns into--
Let's get out here.
-Donovan's freaking me out. -Let's go.
[soft rock music playing]
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["Even If You Don't" playing]
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[honking]
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Rob Machado, what's up?
Where you at?
[Barney] Where's the Machado at?
You're at a secret spot. We're coming down to meet you to go surfing with you.
We're gonna go get pro surfer, Rob Machado, to surf with us.
["Livin' la Vida Loca" music playing]
Go, Barney. Go, Barney. Go, Barney.
Barney.com.
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[Donovan laughing]
[continues laughing]
[Donovan] Ladies and gentlemen, Shawn Barron Barney as himself.
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Give us some vocals.
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I'm--
♪ I'm gonna surf a [bleep] left hander With Machado and Timmy ♪
♪ I'm gonna try my hardest to do a barrel roll But it's a mush ♪
♪ When I say mush I don't mean porridge or oatmeal ♪
♪ Or grits ♪
♪ I wanna surf my best ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm getting videoed ♪
♪ And I wanna impress All the ladies ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm not gay ♪
♪ I'm a man I'm a breeder ♪
♪ I'm not in between her ♪
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[Barney] Okay.
[crickets chirping]
[soft rock music playing]
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[man 1] How will I spot you?
[man 2] You will see.
-[man 3] You guys want to do that? -[man 1] I do.
[man 3] Okay.
[rock song playing]
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[imitates barking]
[country music playing]
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[Donovan] Tim-eye.
Tim Curran.
Nickname, Tim-eye.
What's going on in the RV? Over.
[Greg] Does Barney want his coffee? Over.
Let me see if Barney wants his coffee. Over.
[Timmy] Here, dude. Don't even trip.
Timmy just brought it in. Over.
[laughing]
We've got Barney. Over.
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[toilet flushing]
Donovan was anti-unleashing and he unleashed like six beasts into the toilet.
And now we have to dump them. And this is what it looks like.
Fifteen dollar beasts he unleashed here.
That was an expensive beast to be unleashed.
[Greg] Anytime on Sunday you can dump the ***.
You notice how I'm not doing anything either?
That's pretty awesome. Sorry.
Yeah, thanks for that.
Holy crap!
Did you hear that?
Where's the mic?
[loud gurgling]
[laughter]
Yeah, it smells, dude.
I'm about to yak, people.
We're just gonna surf this little secret spot here.
The wind's up, tide's dropping.
You never know, you might find that secret little wedge.
Barney, come on. Let's go.
Hang out with me.
[fast rock song playing]
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[man] How was the session today?
Helpful.
[wind blowing]
The awning incident.
That's what I wanted to get into is the awning incident.
It was trauma in the RV.
We've been having a smooth sailing trip so far.
Like a boat.
And glassing editions we've been driving down California...
smoothly.
And stress-free.
But one time we put the awning down and a storm came through,
and the boys were trying to batten down the hatches.
All right. Here we are.
Here we are, as far north as you can get.
It's rainy. It snowing on the beach.
This is unbelievable.
[coughing]
Could you help me move this thing sideways and set the awning up?
No, no, no.
This is what surfing's all about up north.
[wind blowing]
["Picture in the Paper" playing]
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[wind howling]
Mark.
We need you to take it off again.
[rain pattering]
[bleep], these are my only [bleep] shoes, dude.
[bleep]
[bleep] [bleep] [bleep]
Oh, I am [bleep] soaked and freezing.
[Barney] You'd better get a new pair of pants.
Yeah, down to my last pair of pants. Still three weeks left.
[exhales loudly]
Tim, you need to fold.
[Timmy] Hey, Donovan, I'll get--
[burps]
[bleep]
Ugh, [bleep] son of a ***.
[bleep] thing. I'm not [bleep]. [bleep]
[sighing]
[Greg] [bleep] [bleep] Just leave it. [bleep]
[Donovan laughing]
[Greg] [bleep] get inside.
[groans]
[bleep]
Dude, my finger's broken.
[Greg] Let's remember to not put the awning out next time it's raining.
We just tried to fix, uh...
the awning and I lost my fingernail,
and Greg probably needs about ten stitches in his finger.
Bye bye to the finger nail.
Ooh, let me see-- Ugh.
[screaming]
-Oh! -[Greg] I lost my fingertip.
You won the heat.
[Donovan] Holy [bleep]. You don't have to go out and put that away. You just kick back and relax.
Barney, Timmy, you guys are next.
I'd wear your wetsuit gloves if I were you.
[bleep] little punks. Get out there and put that thing away.
First of all, we're going to wait until--
All we wanted to do was surf. Like, that's all we wanted to do.
And you wanted to put the awning out.
[laughing]
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[rock song playing]
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-[upbeat music playing] -[Donovan] Ladies and gentlemen,
you're here live at the Rob Machado-Tim Curran Surfing Event brought to you by the Drive-Thru TV.
This is gonna be hot and heavy action here at the beach.
The waves, the weather.
Everything seems like it's in place.
We're waiting for the competitors to catch their waves.
-They're only allowed to go left. -Out the back. Out the back.
Timmy Curran. Timmy Curran, ladies and gentleman. He's on a big mush--
[exclaiming excitedly] Whoa!
Oh, he's coming around the hook here.
[whooping]
Oh, no! And he's down. He's down. He's down.
[Barney] That wave was about an eight and he turned it into about a five.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Like I said before, non-competitors, please move to the south end of the judging tower.
-Kids, cover your ears and-- -One, two, three, four--
Out the back, we have a rider. We have a rider out the back. Looks like--
Timmy Curran again.
Off the bottom!
[both] Oh!
Big turn.
Oh, he's down again, folks!
-Down again. -Look at the inside he could have had!
[plays weird sound effect]
Oh, that would have been unbelievable!
-[Barney] Timmy? -Oh!
[both] Timmy!
This could be Machado.
It is! It's Rob, ladies and gentlemen.
Oh, excellent kickout. That was amazing.
[plays guitar sound]
He narrowly escaped that one, huh, Donovan?
That was-- He narrowly escaped that. Yes.
If he would have went straight would have been like, you know--
Oh, out the back, it looks like Tim Curran.
[weird sound effects playing]
That was a good lipper.
Oh, nice cutback!
Oh, look, it's setting up.
Oh, nice! Nice combination there by Tim Curran.
-Nice kickout. Wow. -Nice.
That was great, everybody.
I'm giving out a six-five right there. What do you think?
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Now, our competitors, please move to the north end of the--
Rob Machado on this one.
[both] Oh!
Working it. Working it.
[all] Oh!
Here he comes.
-That was huge. -Oh, he's down. He is down.
-That was huge. -He is down.
That turned into a three-five. It could have been an eight.
-This contest is getting to be really boring. -It's like--
Like all the other ones!
It's looking really difficult out there.
[computerized voice] Lesson off.
[soft rock music playing]
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I'm so tired right now. It's like Hawaii. It's like Hawaii right now.
It's 95 degrees, off-shore winds, perfect weather.
Perfect waves. We're gonna go find this wave right now that people claim is like--
[Timmy] Jumbo!
-[Greg] Like Tofu. -They're claiming it's like...
-[Greg] Tick. -...butter.
[Greg] Dude, they have to name it twice.
[all laugh]
No, they're claiming it's a good left too--
[Barney] Are we gonna call it Timmy's ***?
I've never been so sore in my life. This is like going back to camp.
Summer camp, dude.
[Timmy] How were you sore at summer camp?
-I wasn't, but-- -[Greg laughs]
I was sleeping in a [bleep]... Sleeping in a pretzel box and that's what I feel like I've been doing.
Just been driving around and--
[Jimmy] Just have to buy water or something.
Summer camp, dude, I was sore.
Do you like the Backstreet Boys?
Put on that-- Put on that song.
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What the hell?
Oh, my God!
[upbeat rock music playing]
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[snoring]
[snoring]
[snoring continues]
[snoring continues]
[man] How's your wife?
-She's good. -Barney.
Holy [bleep].
[laughing]
-Am I in-- -You dreaming or what?
[rock song playing]
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I love nuts.
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Painless revolution!
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[Greg] Camera draws to the off-road sign.
***-Schrader. Ah!
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Screw this movie and all this weather.
[man over radio] I'm gonna park on the corner and you guys park right behind it, okay?
[Barney] No, Korean gang's in the bus thing over there, okay?
[Greg] Look, they're right around the corner.
[Barney] Where?
[Greg] Right there.
[Timmy] Hey, I see the gang.
[Barney] Dude, we got a Korean gang, dude.
Never know, though. They could be cool and having fun.
[Timmy] They're on a college retreat, dude.
[Greg laughing] Dude!
[Donovan] You guys are trying to claim gang. That's a [bleep] Christian coalition, dude.
[Timmy laughing] Okay.
-[Timmy] Dude, [bleep] film this ***. -[Donovan] We should get out of here.
[Greg] No, no, no. Just hang out.
[Timmy] Oh, [bleep], we gotta get out of here.
[Donovan] We gotta get out of here. We're gonna get killed.
[Greg] Dude, move the camera away.
[Timmy] Guys, we gotta get out of here. I'm not even joking.
[Barney] What did I [bleep] tell you, dude?
[siren wailing]
[Barney] Lock the freaking door.
Okay.
[Donovan] Oh, we're gonna get killed.
[Barney] Don't do [bleep], dude.
[Greg] Oh, my God! I hope you got that footage.
-[laughter] -[Greg] Okay.
[laughter]
[Greg] Did you record that bit?
[all laughing]
[Greg] Hey, guys, be quiet!
[Barney] Oh, my God!
[Greg] There's a guy right there. Next to you.
[Timmy] Is the door locked?
-[Greg] Dave, get down! -[Barney] Get down, you [bleep] freak.
[Greg] Somebody needs to get in the driver's seat right now and drive us out of here.
[Barney] We can't. The [bleep] jeep blocked us in.
[Timmy] I'm not getting out.
[Donovan] I don't think we should sit here, dude, and be a part of this
'cause we're gonna have to get questioned. We're [bleep].
[Greg] No, we just got to ride it out, dude.
[Donovan] We don't want to-- I'm telling you right now, bro, we're gonna go to court.
Yeah, you don't wanna be a part of this, bro.
We're gonna say we didn't see a thing. We just pulled up here and all we saw--
Listen, all I'm saying is this, you didn't see anything, dude.
[Timmy] For no reason.
[Donovan] I didn't. I didn't see anything.
[Timmy] I'm like shaking right now.
[Donovan] No, you're cool. I'm just saying if they come over here--
-[Timmy] No, I'm fine, but-- -Shh.
He's filming right now. We're all on tape. Dave's gonna get us busted.
-[Barney] He beat some guy up with big-- -[Timmy] Nunchuks.
No, I saw nunchuks.
We were just driving through, dude.
[laughter]
It wasn't our fault. We just drove through looking for a place to sleep.
All of a sudden people started nunchuking people, dude.
[Donovan] That's it, dude. This YMCA camp is done.