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MUSIC: "Colonel Bogey"
COMPUTER: Tell me the colour
of the letters in this word.
Yes, yes, yes.
You want me to
say green but the answer is red.
How childish.
Blue?!
Listen, you messed up
tangle of circuitry.
Want to see a test of character?
Put two astronauts in a burning
ship with one escape pod
and a knife on the table.
Then you'll see character! Hur!
Pink.
HE CHOKES
Arrange the blocks
in order of yellowness.
Stage.
Ooh ooh!
I know! Now this reminds me of
when I was in the youth orchestra.
Me and my friends, to be
honest, were a little bit crazy.
They called us the Wacky Woodwinds.
Brilliant.
One answers, please.
Oh, yes, sorry.
Sunset.
Despair.
What is the next shape
in this sequence?
I got the nail gun.
You are entering a
private residential area of space.
Avert your course.
Do not trespass.
Avert your course.
'Hello.
We're not here right now.
'We're having some psychological tests
to make sure we haven't all gone nutty.
'But leave a message and we'll
get back to you as soon as we can.
'
Hang on, let me get this right.
If
Marianne jumps twice as far as Nat,
but Nat jumps a metre further than
Bill, then Marianne has jumped
METALLIC SCREECHES
I thought Oh.
Ahh, I see what you're doing.
Test of concentration.
"Can he think under fire?"
Whoa!
Commander!
Gor Commander!
Got to check his scores.
Commander
You don't think that's real, do you?! It's
part of the test! Eerrt.
You have failed.
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
Hull breach!
We should go and have a look.
Hull breach.
Hull breach.
All right.
I mean, we took some damage.
Here, we're using the term,
"heavy damage.
"
But it just goes to show how dedicated
my crew were to passing your test.
The test they failed.
This is just paper.
It's not real life.
Let's have a little review.
"Cadet Harris has manic tendencies.
"
I mean, so what?
She's bloody good at her job.
"And Engineer Dobbs has a fantasy where he holes up
in a railway shed and make models of his friends
"from his own
"waste.
"
I mean
we've all done it.
We have a bit of a meeting with the
Admiral this afternoon.
Yeah.
Very informal.
Everyone's terribly fond of you.
But there was a feeling in the room,
and I don't want to go against the feeling
in the room.
No, of course you don't.
That with all
the things happening lately, well
How old is she?
Where was I? All the things
that have been happening lately.
Yeah.
We're sending a ship.
They'll be with you in a week.
They'll give you
a Category J inspection.
Phwurr
Urgh
(We'll never pass a Category J.
)
No-one's ever passed
Ooh! There's cake!
Commander?
MOURNFUL ACCORDION
Category J.
H-hm.
Category J.
He did say Category J, didn't he?
I mean, he didn't say
Category K, or
No, he said J.
They'll inspect every last wire and screw on
this ship until they find something to fail us on.
They always do.
But you've got a plan,
haven't you? You've always got a plan.
Come on, what is it?
A man mind-melds with a sentient black
hole, and somehow that sorts it all out.
Come on.
What is it?
I don't have a plan.
We're gonna be discharged
with dishonour.
Oh, will you please stop!
Don't, don't!
ACCORDION CONTINUES
It's on auto!
You bloody cheat.
How often do you do that?
Hardly ever.
A lot.
INSTRUMENTS BLEEP
Vine.
Vine
Camden Lock to Eridanus base,
stop mucking about, over.
'Don't know what you mean.
'
Vine! Vine,
you are the chosen one.
We are coming for you, Vine.
From a distant galaxy.
Of all the humans,
you are the spe
Vi-i-ine!
You may be resigned to failure.
I am not.
It's out of our hands.
Give me control of this ship for a week and the
inspection shall be passed.
I refuse to fail!
I can't go back to Earth.
Mother will make me wear
I refuse! That's all!
I don't fancy your chances very much
but
you may have command.
You won't regret it, Sir.
I want you to take this.
I carry it with me all the time.
A young cadet gave it to me.
She never made it
through the Nebula Wars.
But, you know, when I look at this,
it reminds me that
I'm here to serve the crew,
never the other way round.
Thank you, Commander.
Waste chute closed.
OK, yoganauts.
Let's try cat.
And breathe in.
And into puppy.
It's a stressful time, Mr York.
We all need yoga.
Everybody, socks and shoes on.
Teal, put me on every screen and
speaker on this *** ship.
You're on.
Attention all crew.
This is Mr York speaking.
The Commander is currently
indisposed.
The ship is now mine.
I have to tell you that in a week's
time we face a Category J inspection.
That's right, I repeat,
a Category J inspection.
Our margin for error
is precisely 0.
0.
At times like this, Commander Henderson would
no doubt tell you that he believed in you.
I will not.
I have absolutely
no faith whatsoever in any of you.
You are all miserable wretches who have proven
your mediocrity to me time and time again.
And your only hope of success
is to submit utterly to my will.
There will be no more alcohol.
No more fast food.
No more thinking.
I am the master,
you are my tools.
I am the Alpha and the Omega.
York out.
COCKEREL CROWS
Wake up!
Time to obey.
Time to obey ME.
Time to obey ME without question!
Time to obey ME without
question, but with gratitude!
Time to obey ME without question, but with
gratitude for having been given orders to OBEY by ME!
And remember, work makes us PURE.
Fatigue is the little Dutch girl,
tempting us with the fatty cheese of rest.
Ignore her cheese.
Do not
pause to admire her windmills.
I said, "Do NOT pause to admire
her windmills.
" Revive him.
Extend his shift, and dock
his wages and rations accordingly.
'I grow weary of this war.
'The forces of evil are too great,
even for me!
'And I will not put
Robot in any more danger.
'
ROBOTIC BLEEPS
'Captain Helix,
heroes rise, and heroes fall.
'But you are a hero to heroes.
'Be all you can be.
'Robot
'To the mountains of Zarn!'
Zarn.
Turn it off.
Off!
HE SOBS
Vine!
We are closer, Vine.
Close enough
to speak to you with pure thought.
Who are you?
We are the wise ones,
the cosmic lords.
We choose one
from each sentient species
to join our group consciousness.
We will show you our power.
Vine.
I am you in the past.
I am you in the future.
And I am you if you
were wearing a red jumper.
Dance, Vine.
Dance with you.
Celebrate our coming!
Er, Jeffers.
Jeffers
Hiya, Jeffers.
What juices you got? Orange juice,
tomato juice and special juice.
Special juice?
Right.
How much is that?
Same as a *** and orange.
I'll have a special juice then.
Oh
Good evening.
Mr York.
Mr York.
Mr Jeffers,
I find myself a little parched.
I wonder if I might have a
little sip of your fruit juice?
As I suspected.
All drinks, into the
waste chute with them.
Piretti, the bottles.
And punishment,
all of you will gather in my
quarters in the next five minutes,
form a circle and flog each other
in a daisy chain of retribution.
This is ***.
I know.
You lot should do something.
Like what? I dunno.
A sit-in.
An anti-York sit-in.
Where? In the Control Room.
All right.
Oi! Jeffers wants
a sit-in, in the Control Room!
When shall we do it? Now?
All right, Jeffers wants it now!
I'm just having a laugh.
This is
ALL: Jeffers! Jeffers!
ALL: Jeffers!
Steady on, this is just bar talk.
Yoo-hoo.
Commander?
Hey, Teal.
Hello.
I was just a bit worried about
you, so I've come to gee you up.
I know that you'd gee me up.
So we're a sort of gee
you up library service to each other, as it were.
Bless you, Teal.
You know, what am I gonna do?
You take me out of this job,
I haven't got any skills.
You can learn new skills.
It would have been nice then if
you said, "Yeah, you've got skills!"
Sorry.
Yeah, you've got skills.
Too late, sorry.
Discharge with dishonour.
You know, I won't
even get to wear the club tie.
It's got little
blue rockets all over it.
I've always wanted it, you know?
Yeah.
I tell you what you need.
You need a little hug,
from Miss Teal.
Yeah.
Maybe Yeah.
Maybe I do.
Just a big hug.
There we are.
Ssh! Ssh! Ssh!
Teal.
Ssh! No need to speak.
Just rest till morning.
Teal
please can you take your hand
from out of there.
Sorry.
Look
It's out of the underpants, but
it's still on the erm
Is it? Yeah.
EXCITED SHOUTS
Vine, we're having a sit-in.
You coming?
I would but I'm the Chosen One.
Oh, right.
Yeah, there's these
beings and they're immortal.
I'm going to join them and be a
guardian of the universe forever.
So all these human worries will seem
infinitely small.
Yeah.
Good luck with it though.
Cheers.
Come on! Freedom!
You don't have access rights.
There's expensive
equipment in here.
It's the ship's hub.
What are you doing?!
Make yourselves comfortable(!)
Are we gonna get food?
Enough said.
There is never an excuse
for juggling.
Thank you.
No juggling.
No.
This is a navigational
And who, I wonder,
is behind all THIS?!
ALL: Jeffers.
Look, I can't be arsed with this
any more than you can,
but the little people are angry
so I'm gonna help you out.
I'm gonna say "no floggings
and *** on Saturdays,"
and you say, "Damn you, but yes,"
and I'll do a bit of shouting.
Mmm?
Good plan.
Yeah.
Thanks.
OK.
And I'm gonna tell you
one more time!
No floggings,
and more *** on Saturdays!
ALL: Yeah!
What do you say?
I say
you are all mutinous ***.
But having said that,
I go on to say this
Imagine a ball of iron the
size of the sun and, once a year,
a tiny *** sparrow brushes its
surface with the tip of its wing.
And when that ball of iron, the size
of the sun, is worn away to
WHISPERED: nothing
then your collective punishment
will barely have begun.
Ooh, the things I will do to you!
Your futile attempts at resistance
amuse me.
What? Oh, if I must go, then I must.
SANDSTROM: 'Attention.
'Crew Members are requested not to
join the riot on levels one to five.
'That's the riot on
levels one to five.
'
CRASHES AND THUDS
YORK CLEARS THROA Huh!
Actually, er,
it might surprise you, I, er,
sometimes watch a bit of
Captain Helix myself, you know.
I know.
I liked the fourth season best
when they got rid
of that stupid robot.
You're so wrong.
Michael
I've lost the ship.
I know.
Oh, I know I can be a
bit old guard sometimes, but
it's for everybody's benefit.
So why are they all so damned
*** me?
Eduardo.
Don't touch me.
The crew despise me.
No
it's true.
They do.
But they like you.
I don't know why
but they like you.
And that's
that's why you can help me.
Commander,
I need you to help me.
Commander
you're going to get up now,
get out there
and you're going to make it
better again.
You're a hero to heroes.
Be all you can be.
That's Helix.
That's me, and the ship.
York
(.
.
I'm ready.
)
(Give me my watch.
)
Is it really that important?
Just find it! Yes.
Er yes.
ENOUGH!
(You better get the hell
out of my chair right now.
)
I am not going to ask
who started this
ALL: Jeffers.
It was Jeffers.
MOUTHS: It was not.
.
.
because I don't need to know.
ALL: Jeffers.
Ee-ee-eep!
As of now, it is finished.
Over.
In three days,
we face a Category J inspection.
We can't pass it.
It's impossible.
Impossible.
But you know what?
There was a time when
men said that climbing
Ben Nevis was impossible.
They said that giving a man a squirrel's
heart was impossible, and look what happened.
You will be the first crew
to pass a Category J test.
Not because I'm asking you to,
but because you know what
it means to be Space Force.
You volunteered.
Well, I mean, some of you did a crime so it was
this or prison, but you know, a lot of you
.
.
a large proportion of you
(Yeah.
)
.
.
volunteered.
Guys
HE CHUCKLES
Mmm.
.
.
I've been on a crazy
freaked out trip this week, you know,
to a place called despair.
I had a little look around.
I didn't like it.
Pthrpt.
So I got on a bus and I came back.
But
I'm not getting off this bus at hope.
No way.
I'm
staying on it all the way to victory.
Why don't you guys come with me?
Eh?
Yeah? ALL: Yeah.
Good.
Now, clean it up!
LOCKS CLUNK AND HISS
Morning, Commander.
Morning, Inspector.
I think we'll start
in the engine room.
Yes.
This way.
Excellent.
Air ducts, adequate.
Vine.
Vine.
We are here.
Across four galaxies
we have travelled.
It was five, yes.
I drove for a bit, remember?
Oh, yes.
Come, Vine.
Come to us.
Now, you are ready.
Ah, the Chosen One.
I've got him, I've got him!
Get his trousers down!
Ooh-hoo-hoo! It's a hairy one!
Get the camera!
Get the camera! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
ALIENS CACKLE
Get it on the wall!
Get it on the wall!
How many's that now?
THEY CACKLE
Back you go!
The Chosen One(!)
You bloody ***!
Ooh.
Sense of humour failure.
BOTH: Ta-ra!
Good.
How did we do?
I've been doing this five years.
Yours is the smartest ship
I've seen in that time.
Your crew are a credit to you.
So, I mean did we
Oh, it's a fail.
Oh-whoa-whoa
One uniform infringement.
Thank God I saw
that or I don't know what I'd have done.
Goodbye.
What can I say, Henderson?
I feel really awful about this.
Probably worse than you,
but, um, what can I say?
Well, you could say,
"I'll review my decision.
"
That's something I can't say.
Stuart! Dominic! Hi.
Grrr!
And congratulations
Commander!
What?!
You can always change that shirt.
Good.
Why don't you wait for me
over there? I won't be a sec.
You'll return to Starbase
Three under fighter escort.
Oh, and the Admiral would
like to thank you
because
"you've made a contribution"?!
We made we made a contribution.
That's right, his own words.
(His own words.
)
Stuart? Space Marsh No, Stuart,
tell the Admiral that starting with
the rotating dish at the top,
through admin and the hover pad,
right the way down to the grand atrium,
he can take his entire Starbase and
he can shove it up his fat airlock.
That's good.
Thank you.
(Come on, Henderson.
Don't do this.
)
We're not coming in.
No!
We've been friends for ages
Goodbye.
Michael?!
Come on!
My god!
So what happens now? Are we pirates?
Will there be hats?
No, we don't get hats.
We go on with the mission.
To protect Britain's interests in
an ever-changing galaxy, even if
Britain doesn't quite want us to.
Thank you, Teal.
You know, sometimes, to protect
the spirit of the law, a man must
Oh, I can't believe I did that.
Commander, we've got a signal.
The insectoids of Warris are attacking
the British settlers on Regulus Prime.
British? Yes.
British settlers.
All right.
Let's do our job.
Mr Vine,
set course for Regulus Prime.
Yes, Commander.
Mr York?
Sweet York, if you please? Commander.
Sandstrom? Full power!
Oh, I love it!
You
I just thought
you should know Yeah.
Nine British ships closing on us.
Oh.
MUSIC: "Colonel Bogey"