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(Tires screeching, emergency brake clicking)
- Hmm!
(Bomb detector crackling and beeping)
Son of a (bleep)!
- Since you clowns once again refuse to split the last donut,
I will once again count to three, and may the fastest--
- Top of the morning, rednecks!
- I win!
- I got a big bounty for you mooks,
so pull your hands outta your pants and get moving!
- Lisa, we like to have a strategy and a cup of coffee
before we head out.
Hell, we don't even know who this guy is!
- Name's Hutch Morgan. He's a cowboy.
A rugged, handsome, ***- sucking, d-bag, ***-monkey!
- I was looking more for, you know, height, age, build...
- My intel says he'll be at
the Hamlin County Quick N' Sloppy in 10 minutes.
I'm coming along!
- (Bill): No! - (Larry): No, ho! Whoa! No, no!
- Excuse me?
- I gotta be there
for--for quality control!
Something you brain clots know nothing about.
- Lisa, you know what, we would love to have you,
but, seriously, a bounty hunt is no place for the fairer sex!
- Cram it, poop stack! And keep your trap shut while I drive.
- (Larry): Man, for the fairer sex,
she sure does talk like a long-haul trucker.
(Tires screeching)
- (Larry): No, no, no!
(Larry, Bill and Jeff screaming)
- We're gonna die!
- You mind drivin' more careful?
(Children screaming)
You didn't need to run that school bus off the road!
- What'd Hutch get arrested for?
- Breaking and entering. He's a bad man.
Don't let his seductive Southern charm
fool you into letting him sleep over.
- It sounds like you know this guy.
- Don't be jealous!
I met him 3 years ago, when I was a bounty hunter.
- No way!
- Since you asked, I was living and working in Staten Island,
the jewel of New York City.
I had the world by the pubes,
till the day I had to haul in that jerk-*** Hutch.
(Car horn honking)
Bounty hunting came easy to me.
I had a natural gift for spottin' a crook in a crowd.
- Pardon me, ma'am.
- For what? Did you rip ***?
- For staring! I can't take my eyes off you, darlin'.
- Calm down, you dumb ***!
Enjoy the view while you can, 'cause I'm *** hunting you!
Uh, I mean, you're under my breast!
Oh! Give me one second!
(Grunting and sighing)
- You're my kind of lady, lady!
Cool on the outside, boiling hot on the inside.
- You can't tell I'm boiling.
There's no steam comin' out! Is there?
- A gal like you could make a man like me wanna get caught!
(Sniffing)
Mmm! Funyuns and Jean Naté!
- I guess I better beat you now.
- I'll let you take me without a fight.
But how about you and me have a little fun
before I go to the hoosegow, hey, Muffin Top?
- I do know a sweet little spot nearby.
(Hutch grunting, Lisa moaning)
- Let me just grab a *** poncho for little Hutch.
- I'm gonna go flatten some cardboard
for our sex nest!
(Both moaning, siren wailing)
- Oh! Damn! The fuzz!
Sorry, hot stuff, I gotta roll!
- So close!
(Sobbing)
No! NO!
- Lord, thank you for sendin' the cops in there
before the rubbin' started.
(Tires screeching)
- (Lisa): What the hell? Ugh!
The only thing I hate more than parades is geezers! Dammit!
(Horn honking)
- I've had just about enough
of your racket, missy!
(Gasps)
(Gunshot, metal clinking)
- Codger! Well, if we're stuck here,
I might as well finish my story.
- (Bill): Don't wanna pry! - (Larry): That's your business!
- If there's one thing I hate, it's unfinished business.
So I tailed Hutch as he fled New York,
and went all the way to where he grew up,
the smelly, sticky, moron-infested South.
I tracked him to a barn in Hamlin County
where he was hiding out.
I told myself he was just a bounty.
Truth is he was more than that.
- Hot stuff?
Man, it's good to see you again!
You've got fire and sass and big ol' knockers.
- Gotcha!
- Oh, you "gotch-me," Lisa Franguni!
From the moment I saw you,
you slapped the cuffs on my mind
and tasered the crap outta my heart!
What say you and me flatten this here hay?
- Yeah!
(Hutch grunting, Lisa moaning)
- Well, that was a very interesting--
- I couldn't resist him!
Once I decided on life with a fugitive,
my career was over.
But I didn't care!
I'd found the one man
not intimidated by my looks, my brains
or my speaking voice like a sweet-*** angel.
- Yeah, you're the whole package.
- So what happened next?
I can't help it. I love scary stories.
(Tires screeching, men grunting)
- Storytime's over!
Now go beat the crap outta that ***-bag Adonis!
(Grunting)
- Sorry, I ain't Tim McGraw.
You Yankees always makin' that mistake.
- Yankees? That was uncalled-for!
- Hutch Morgan, we're bounty hunters,
and you are under arrest for--
(Larry, Bill and Jeff groaning)
(Grunting)
- I did my time! I ain't wanted!
What the hell's this about?
- Revenge!
We're gonna kick you in the tater tots
till your eyes pop out!
- Wait, this ain't a bounty hunt?
You said he was arrested for breaking and entering!
- Yep, for breaking my heart and entering my--
- Do not say it!
- Oh, man, I just got a mental picture! Not good!
- I am not in the revenge business, Lisa!
I mean, if I was, I'd be peeing on my ex-wife's lawn,
but I'm better than that, and she also installed cameras.
- Fine, you friggin' losers, I'll handle this myself!
- No, Lisa!
- It's like stoppin' a dadgum rhino!
- I know you're mad, darlin', but I sent the flowers,
and I told you to meet me here
'cause, well, in the last couple of years
I've been comparing every girl I dated to you,
and all 200 of 'em fell short.
Please, you gotta give me one more chance
to make you the happiest woman on earth.
(Lisa grunting loudly)
- (Jeff): She really wants to kill this guy!
(Lisa and Hutch grunting)
- Oh, Hutchie!
(Both moaning and grunting)
(Lisa): Oh, Hutch!
(Kissing and moaning)
- Well, it'd be a shame to let them fries go to waste!
- Well, we have scrubbed the whole office.
If we don't get a bounty soon,
we'll have nothing left to do
but pull the couch out and find what's making that weird smell.
- Hey, I like that smell! It gives me something to blame.
- This is all that dumb cowboy's fault.
Once he showed up, Lisa stopped botherin' to bring us bounties.
- Are you kidding?
That guy's the best thing that ever happened to me.
No one's groped my giblets in days!
- Not even you? Dang, that's sad!
- I bet y'all are wondering what Hutch and I have been doin'.
- No, actually, we were wonderin'
if you brought us any--
- In-between on-line poker games,
Hutch has been making me
the most satisfied woman in Skeeter Creek.
(All groaning)
- And that's just one of the reasons Lisa and I
are fixin' to get married.
- Married? Isn't this a little sudden?
- Nah, we're takin' it slow. The wedding's in two weeks.
- So, you banjo pluckers got 14 days
to buy some formal overalls and a pricey gift.
In the meantime,
I gotta scare up a dress, a cake, a fog machine,
and a 4-hour long remix of "Hungry like the Wolf."
I better get choppin'!
Hutchie, here's a cheque for $1,000.
Book Thirsty's Tavern for the ceremony,
and buy yourself some fancy boots made of endangered animal.
- You're the boss!
- Don't you wanna go with her and weigh in
on which tequila bottle you use for the centrepiece vases?
- Shut it, skid marks!
The little lady and I had a talk.
When it comes to Lisa's Bail Bonds,
I'm the new CBBO: Chief Ball-Busting Officer!
(Hutch grunting)
- Hey! That's my "Larrito!"
- You wanna get another bounty from us,
then from now on,
you're gonna split the proceeds with me, 50-50!
- What?
- You heard me, ginger!
Real pleasure doin' business with y'all!
- I don't believe this!
- Me neither! He wasted a perfectly good "Larrito!"
- If Lisa marries that thug, we are stuck with him!
We've gotta find some dirt on that guy!
- All right, let's do this thing!
(Jeff clearing his throat)
- What? There ain't nothin' goin' on!
(Car horn honking)
- (Lisa): Holy crap!
This wedding dress is gonna drive Hutch wild!
(Gasps)
- You look like an Old-West ***!
- I know, it's perfect!
The pistol's got rhinestones out the ***!
- Oh, that is gorgeous!
It's so you!
- This wedding is gonna rock!
I still can't believe it's happening!
- Lisa, are you sure about getting married so fast?
Larry and me waited 6 months
before we tied the knot.
- It's not like Hutch and me just met.
We've got history! And, oh, what a history it was.
Our first couple months together were amazing.
Hutch introduced me to life in the South.
It was a weird friggin' place,
but my natural talents helped me fit in.
He taught me the joy
of getting mud in my ears, my nose,
pretty much every hole I got!
And even though he was a country boy,
he had a taste for the finer things in life,
which was cool, but after I paid off his lawyer bills
and covered all his hot cheques,
we started having money problems.
We had a combustible relationship
in and out of the sack.
Next thing I knew, Hutch was driving away with his new truck
and our George Foreman grill.
He said I was just too much woman for him.
- Well, good thing those days are over!
Y'all are stronger than ever!
- And who the hell grills inside anyway?
- Thanks, ladies! You're the best!
Now, come on!
Let's all go get Hutch's name tattooed on our ***!
(Tires screeching)
- (Larry): Ha, ha! Busted!
- Yep! Get ready to see Hutch bein' a scoundrel!
- And also some ***!
Or--or whatever, you know, it's cool!
(♪ Disco ♪)
- Dad, what are doing here?
Studying for my GED, what do you think?
If your mama asks, tell her I came for the free popcorn.
Hey, can you float me $50? - No!
- Then just give me all your ones!
- Go away!
- Hey, I just saw Hutch goin' in the back room
with a big- bootied stripper!
- (Larry): Yeah, it looks like
she's got a bean-bag chair glued on back there!
We'd better go investigate!
- Whoa!
(Screaming)
- Can you believe this guy?
- Yeah, you can't touch them ladies! Is what I've heard.
- Mission accomplished! Let's go!
- (Bill): Already? I'm thinkin' some of that free popcorn
in the pole-dance area would really hit the spot.
- (Larry): That does sound delish!
- (Jeff): I said get in the truck!
- The wedding cake sets the tone for the marriage.
When Jeff and I got married, we had a Twinkie tower.
When Nathan and I got married,
we had a vanilla cake
with vanilla icing and vanilla filling.
Oh!
- Larry and me eloped,
so we split a bag of Chips Ahoy on the way to the motel.
You never forget your special day!
- What kind of cake is this, Tammy?
- Javelina-bacon chocolate, with a brown-sugar venison centre.
- Sold!
- Lisa! I'm sorry to have to tell you this,
but Hutch is one terrible, no-good guy!
- That's Ginger Moons, you idiots!
- Why is it strippers never have a name like,
I don't know, Francine?
- Wait, you know her?
- It's Hutch's niece!
Today's her birthday!
- That big- bootied stripper
hangin' all over Hutch is his niece?
- She's a sweet girl with goals in life.
She's only stripping to pay for *** massage school.
- Damn, you know, I really thought we had something!
- Well, you don't!
Now get out of here, so I can finish planning my wedding!
- All right, but whatever you do,
don't pick this cake, it tastes awful!
- That's a display, sweetie! It's plaster.
- Oh, so that's why it keeps bustin' my teeth!
(Tires screeching)
- Man, how long do we gotta tail this guy
till he does something Lisa can't explain away?
Hey, he's pullin' over!
This looks promising!
- Mmm! Mmm!
Oh!
- Howdy, Hutch!
Long time no see,
your face gettin' smashed in by me!
(Laughing)
- We came all the way from Atlantic City
to collect on your gamblin' debt.
I like it down here, lots of places to hide bodies.
Plus, my sister lives in Chattanooga,
so we didn't need no hotel.
- Nobody needs to get hurt!
I just cashed a cheque.
I got a thousand for ya right here,
and after Saturday, I'll have access to way more.
- You're gettin' hitched Saturday,
and you didn't invite us?
I friggin' love weddings!
- Who's the lucky future widow?
- Don't worry about it!
I'll get you guys your money.
- You better!
(Grunting)
(Sobbing)
- Yes!
- (Bill): And Hutch said he'd have access to more money
after Saturday.
That's your wedding day!
- You guys are pathetic!
He's probably just planning to win big at the dog track
after the wedding.
But no, you gotta assume he's being an ***!
- Look, Lisa, you are a smart, strong woman!
But sometimes people get blinded by love, or blinded by ***.
- I know a fella that got blinded
by an explodin' septic tank!
- Huh! I know what's going on here!
Bill's jealous, so he's got you guys talking me out of it.
Well, forget it!
I'm getting my dream wedding, no matter what you idiots say!
Now, get lost!
And FYI: We're registered at Bulk Mart!
- Well, this sucks!
Our business is gonna die,
and Lisa's gonna get screwed over!
- The thing is, the only evidence we've got right now
is circumstantial!
- What?
- I heard that on Walker, Texas Ranger.
I ain't quite sure what that means.
(♪ Organ playing ♪)
- Ah! I remember our wedding day.
But I guess I should!
I watch that darn video at least once a week!
(Laughing)
Oh, you were so cute and chubby back then!
- Ugh!
- Hola, Nathan and Stacy! Jell-O shot?
- I'll take three.
- Hey, waiter! How about a nice seat for us up front, huh?
- Your name is?
- Mr. Seat Us Before I Punch You in the Throat!
- Thank you for coming, Señor Throat!
- I gotta hand it to you, pally!
You're doin' what it takes.
- Shhh! Keep it down!
If I'm gonna fleece this dumb broad,
I don't need nobody blowin' it!
- We got him!
Lisa, I gotta talk to you for a second!
- I don't have time to chat
about your precious Dallas Cowboys, Bill!
I'm about to have my dream wedding.
- Actually, it's about that.
- Forget the congratulations! Shut up and get out there!
And remember to catcall when I go down the aisle!
(Sighing)
- Hutch is no good, Lisa. He's no good!
- What, his suit? His hair? Who cares? This is my day!
- I just heard him with my own ears!
He said he's just doing this to fleece you!
You can't go through with it!
- Get out!
- You want me to tell Hutch it's off?
- Hell, no!
I'm doing this, and no one's gonna stop me!
(♪ Organ playing ♪)
- This is a disaster!
- I know there ain't no bridesmaids for ya, Bill,
but you could probably hook up
with that old gal playin' the organ!
(♪ Playing Wedding March ♪)
- I'm talking about Lisa marrying that sleazebag!
(Guests murmuring)
- (Woman): Aw!
- (Man): That's nice!
- We have temporarily sobered up today
to join these two lovebirds in marriage.
Oh, and one other announcement:
we're all out of pigs in a blanket.
(All grumbling)
- Hey! You wanna hit fast-forward there, Donny Ray?
- Yeah, all right!
Lisa Franguni, do you take this fella
to be your lawfully wedded husband?
- I sure as hell friggin'... DON'T!
(Both grunting)
(All cheering)
- Take it easy there, *** bunny!
- Don't you sweet-talk me!
You played me, and now it's my turn to play you!
(Grunting)
(Guests cheering)
- (Man): Yeah, baby! That'll teach him!
- (Lisa): How dare you marry me to pay off your gambling debts!
- Baby, I can explain!
- Folding chair, madam?
- Thank you, sir!
(Grunting)
- Please, sugar, just give me a chance to say
FREE TEQUILA!
(All cheering)
(Lisa whooping)
- Let's get hammered!
(All cheering)
- (Man): Yeah, baby!
- If I could do the whole thing over, I'd--
- Tell Hutch to get lost that first night?
- Nah, I would have had one last mind-blowing sex extravaganza,
and then kicked his nuts in.
(Glugging loudly)
- Come back to Staten Island with me, Lisa.
You can crash at my place
while you mend your broken heart and hand.
- Nah!
Today, I might have fallen out of love with Hutch,
but, you know, I still love the South.
- You always make fun of the South!
- Yeah, but I get to eat fried food every day.
I can clean my gun at the coffee shop, and nobody gives a crap.
And shoes are optional!
- (Jeff): Amen! - (Larry): Yes, ma'am!
- And best of all, after what Bill did today, it's clear!
He's still got the hots for me!
- Oh, my giblets!
No!
- Hey, Juan, grab a shot of that for Lisa's wedding album!
(Bill and Lisa grunting)
Aw, that's gonna look real nice on the cover!
- 300 pounds of unnatural muscle!
Whoo-ee!
I need a haircut something fierce,
but you get the idea.
- Great to meet you, Lloyd.
I'm Jeff, the producer,
and this is our director, McD.
- Afternoon, Mr. 'Roid.
And that over there, is--
- (Bill): Well, well, well!
It is a pleasure to meet your acquaintance.
I'm Tommy Taylor,
or T.T., as my friends call me, beloved--
- OK, that's enough, Tommy.
Um, have you read the script for the commercial?
- Yeah, I don't need that.
I'm gonna do this the Steroid-Lloyd way.