Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
>> And you were disrespectful
to me.
>> That's the past.
God, get a life.
>> This is my life, ***.
>> You ***!
>> Aw, you ***. You stupid-
->> FRANK: Ah, hold still,
Charlie-- you're flickering.
>> CHARLIE: Sorry, it's...
I'm trying to get you good
images, but I keep getting
shocked a little bit.
>> MAC: Well, don't let that
affect your work.
>> No, I'm really trying not to.
It's just that, you know, I have
to run the wires from the other
building...(electrical shock)
Building and, you know, there's
asbestos in the ducts, which...
wasn't-- (electrical snap)
good for breathing, so I'm
tired.
>> DENNIS: Why are you watching
this crap?
Come on, turn the TV off.
Let's go out, let's do
something-- I'm bored.
Hey, let's go dancing, huh?
I want to do something.
>> Dancing?
>> We're watching Real
Housewives.
>> You know, there's nothing
real about this ***, Frank.
You know that, come on.
Real women don't even look like
that.
>> SWEET DEE: Hey, guys.
>> That is what real women look
like.
>> Dee, are you sick?
>> No, I feel great.
Oh, I haven't had a chance to
shower for a few days.
I've been gaming like a loon.
>> You've been what?
>> Gaming-- I've been playing
this online video game.
It is awesome.
Charlie, speaking of which, you
want to come play my avatar for
a little bit while I run some
errands?
I don't want my crops to die.
>> Nah, I'm kind of busy working
for the guys at the ele...
(groans) ***!
>> Yes, he's working for us.
He will do nothing of the sort.
>> We're going dancing. Come on!
>> What if I give you three
bucks?
>> You're our employee.
You do what we say.
>> I pay your rent.
Do not drop those wires!
>> Hey, Charlie, to live is to
dance. Let's go.
>> Charlie, what if I gave you
five bucks?
>> You owe me five bucks!
(electrical snap)
(Charlie yells)
>> Ah, ***! Screw it!
Son of a ***! ***!
All right, I'll tell you what.
I'm gonna go with Dee, okay?
But I'm getting sick of this
***, I really am.
You treat me like a dumb-dumb
and a grunt, and I have
potential, you know?
(panting)
I can go places, I can do
things.
Who knows?
I might even rule the world
one day.
>> Rule the world, huh?
Yeah, if that happens, I'll blow
myself.
(sighs)
>> Okay, so it's called
TechPocalypse, right?
And we're post-apocalypse, and
we have to rebuild civilization.
This is me, ZingingCutie23.
>> Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow
down!
ZingingCutie23.
Are you pretending that you're
23 years old?
>> No.
>> It seems like it.
>> No, I... It's... I...
It's a random number that I
picked.
>> It's a random number?
>> It's a number to put at the
end of that. You know what?
Just watch over my tribe, and
make sure nobody, you know,
takes it over, and I'll give you
your money, okay?
>> Okay. Okay. Wait.
Hold on a second. What is that?
>> That's you.
You're one of my subjects.
>> That's me.
Why am I in the game?
Is that Mac?
>> Of course that's Mac.
You guys are all here.
See, Mac's my handmaiden.
>> How do you do?
How do you do?
>> And Dennis is a midget
blacksmith.
(Dennis character babbles)
Frank is a mute half-donkey.
(braying)
And you're my jester.
>> Why am I eating out of a
trough?
>> Made sense.
>> Are you kidding me?
So let me get this straight.
You've been playing this game
for, like, a week straight just
so you feel like you lord over
all of us? Is that what this is?
>> Charlie, do you want your
five bucks or not?
>> I want my five dollars.
It's just pathetic, Dee.
>> Okay, well, maybe it is.
Maybe it isn't.
>> I really do need the money,
though.
>> Yeah, well, then get to work.
>> Can you give me an advance?
>> No, not in advance.
We'll see how well you do.
>> All right, I got this.
I got this.
(dance music plays)
>> Yeah.
See, this is what I'm talking
about, guys, huh?
I mean, playing online video
games and watching stupid
reality shows-- that's not real
life.
It's keeping people from
experiencing real life.
>> Yeah?
>> This is real.
>> It's real, but it feels weird
as ***.
There's nobody else in the bar
dancing.
>> We're setting the tone,
Frank.
Yeah, we will lead, and others
will follow.
>> I'm stopping.
>> Oh, come on, don't stop.
Look, all right, let's go do
some shots, and that will get
you guys fired up, and we'll
come back out, and we'll do some
more of this or whatever.
You know, you can do the move,
and... well, come on, come on,
come on, come on.
Hey, uh, bartender, three shots
of whiskey, come on.
>> Hey, I know you guys.
You're the donkey man and the
princess.
>> We don't know what you're
talking about.
>> Take a hike, Bozo.
>> Geek.
>> Check it out. Look at this.
This is... this is you, right?
This-this is Frank and-and Mac
from ZingingCutie's tribe?
>> What the hell is this?
>> This is Dee's online video
game, and she's created
characters for all of us.
She's humiliating us virtually.
>> Who cares? It's a video game.
>> What do you mean, who cares?
This is starting to *** me off.
>> Stop getting invested in fake
realities.
Let's live real life!
>> Well, Dennis, my anger feels
very real.
Are you feeling it?
Are you feeling it?
>> Yeah, well, it's not real.
It's not.
>> I-I-I... I'm angry.
>> Okay, it's not real, and you
know what it also isn't?
It also isn't epic, okay?
And you know what is epic?
Doing these shots, going out
there and dancing.
Come on, do it, do the shots.
I'll do the shots.
I'll just do the shots.
How about that?
>> Mm-hmm.
(groaning)
(grunting)
(high-pitched humming)
>> Oh, someone got a smart
phone.
>> Okay, you know, I tell you
what, Carl.
Let's settle for a C trade.
We'll call it a day on that.
I got to run.
ZingingCutie44 is back, so I'm
out.
(laughing): Changed your name.
>> What the hell are you doing,
Charlie?
I told you to just feed my
crops.
>> I did, I fed your crops, and
then I gathered some rocks, and
I built a little wall around
your tribe.
Then I used the leftover rocks
to dam the river so that you
could fish.
Now you're doing well in the
game.
You sucked at it, all right?
All you did was spend your money
on stuff you don't need, just
like in real life.
>> I don't do that in real life.
>> Yes, you do.
What did you get at the store?
>> I bought a smart phone so
that I can play the game on the
go.
>> What's going on with the
fingernails?
>> Well, I had those done like
Flo-Jo.
>> Why?!
>> I just thought it would be
funny. I...
>> It's craziness.
>> Dee, this is your problem.
I could take this money, I could
feed myself for a month.
I would buy milk, I would buy
flour, I'd buy vitamins, I'd
boil them down to little energy
balls to sustain me, but
whatever. Forget it.
Enjoy your game, enjoy all your
new followers, and you're
welcome.
>> Oh, ***!
Charlie, you got me 31 new
followers?
>> Yeah.
>> That's amazing!
Hey, do you want to maybe team
up?
>> No, 'cause I don't want to be
a slave.
>> Come on, Charlie, please.
I need you.
It's, like, when I'm doing good
in the game, I'm doing good in
life.
>> Oh, I want to make fun of you
for saying that, but I kind of
know what you mean.
>> It's like I'm thriving.
>> You are thriving.
Yeah, I did feel that, and I...
>> You felt that?
>> I did, I felt that, you know,
and I never get to thrive.
I want to be the guy who thrives
for once.
>> Right? Me, neither.
>> All right, I'll tell you
what-- make me your king, and
let's get rocking.
>> Ew, no. I don't want to do
that 'cause we'd have to be
married, and that would be
awful.
>> Oh, okay, I'll see you later.
>> No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Sit down, sit down, sit down.
I'll make you my king; just
accept my request to consummate.
>> Consummate? What is that?
>> Have sex.
>> Oh. So, um, we should have
sex then?
>> In the game.
>> Yeah, in the game, sure,
yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> Either way.
Uh, so, push enter hard, or one,
like, slow push, and you do your
thing, or a little circular
action?
>> Just push the button,
Charlie.
>> Just push the button.
(Charlie grunts)
(sighs)
That was good, right?
>> Was it?
>> I think.
>> You see me, Frank, you see me
coming?
>> I see you, I see you.
>> Oh, here comes another guy.
I'm gonna fight him.
Mac attack!
Fight!
I lost again!
*** it, how do I keep
losing?
I'm huge.
>> Stop fighting every guy in
the game.
>> The fighting is the best
part.
It's the only reason I'm
playing.
>> Oh, my God, will you guys
please shut up?
I'm hungover as ***.
>> We're playing TechPocalypse.
(Dennis groans)
Mac is a soiled fool, and I am a
gorgeous girl with big cans and
I'm banging all the fishermen in
sight for fish and I'm also
being catty with all the women
in the game, like I'm a Real
Housewife.
>> Look, Dennis, I-I'm six-foot-
ten.
I have always wanted to be six-
foot-ten.
>> Hey, look, Mac, you're five-
foot-nine, and Frank, you're a
man-- an ugly, old man!
>> You're not understanding
this, Dennis, but I think I have
something that could help you
wrap your head around it.
("All Night Long" by Lionel
Richie playing)
>> I've never had my hair cut in
a bedroom.
>> Well, one thing I've learned
from cutting hair all these
years, Danielle, is you don't
have to go to a high-end salon
to get a high-end salon-quality
cut.
>> Why are we watching Dennis'
sex tape?
>> Shh.
>> It's cold.
>> I know.
Well, we'll make it hot in a
minute, don't worry about that.
(Dennis and woman chuckle)
(Frank groans)
Well, don't...
>> Well, it's always-- there's
always so much, so much
preamble.
>> Okay, here we go.
>> Okay.
>> Oh, oh, um, all right.
>> All right.
>> Whoa.
>> Now, Dennis, how does this
make you feel?
>> Powerful.
>> Yes, of course, but how does
it affect you sexually?
>> I'm very aroused right now.
>> I, too, am aroused.
>> I'm starting to swell up.
>> Yeah.
>> See, now all three of us are
aroused, and there's not a woman
in the room.
See, this is no different than
sports or video games.
It's all a virtual experience.
>> No, no, no, ***, this
was real, okay, this happened, I
did this.
All right, I drew this woman in,
I styled her hair, I entered her
with almost no resistance.
I did these things.
>> You say it's real, but what
even is reality?
>> Yeah, who knows?
We don't even know if we're in
this room.
We could be in a turtle's dream
in outer space.
>> What are you talking about?
I'm gonna go out into the real
world again today and have real
experiences.
I'm gonna draw those people in
to me, okay?
A turtle's dream.
That's crazy, lunacy.
>> ♪ All night long ♪
>> ♪ All night ♪
♪ All night ♪
>> ♪ All night long ♪
>> ♪ All night. ♪
>> So, tell me something, Queen
of Thrones, how about we stop
being enemies, we start becoming
friends here, huh?
>> Charlie, I just got a new
nose and I'm flying to Miami to
get my lips inflated.
>> Can you hang on one second?
What, Dee, what are you buying?
How are you paying for that?
>> We have plenty of money.
>> I know we have money.
We have money because I...
All right, you know what?
Yes, fine, buy your lips, buy
your noses, buy whatever you're
gonna buy.
All right, don't interrupt me
when I'm running our tribe,
okay, 'cause that's kind of a
big deal.
>> I know, I'm sorry.
>> All right, so don't
interrupt.
>> Okay.
>> Do me a favor, refill my bowl
of energy balls, okay?
Please make yourself useful.
Sorry about that, Queen of
Thrones, let me step into my
office here.
>> Hey, ***!
>> Frank, you are
SweetPeaches69?
How did you get so many
followers?
>> What can I say?
Some girls are more popular than
others.
>> Are you wearing a mink coat?
>> What, this old thing?
Guy gave it to me for going down
on him.
I've been getting a lot of gifts
lately.
I just got sent a whole box of
peaches-- real ones.
I'm eating like a ***
islander.
I'm living a pretty classy life
these days.
Ooh, you should come to my
party.
I'm gonna meet a lot of my
online friends there.
It's gonna be a very classy
affair, but you can come anyway.
(Frank laughs)
>> Well, look, we can sit here,
we can talk cheesesteaks all day
long, but maybe you and I could
get together at my bar, settle
this thing once and for all.
>> Charlie, we got to talk.
>> Whoa.
>> We're going to a party-- a
real one-- Frank's throwing it.
>> Yes, I know what's going on.
I know everything that's
happening.
>> Do you know he has a bunch of
followers?
Do you know that he's parading
around in a mink coat, and he
humiliated me?
I'm a queen, okay?
I should be the one wearing mink
and I should be throwing digs at
him.
You know what I mean?
I should have a lot more
followers.
>> You want mink, Dee, you want
a mink coat?
You want a nice, real mink coat,
not a virtual one like Frank?
>> Don't *** around with this.
Are you serious?
>> I am dead serious.
I trade with a guy online; he
has a clothing store.
I'm sure I could give him some
crops, maybe a follower or two,
and he'll give you a mink coat.
>> For me?
>> Would you like that?
>> I would love that.
>> You, you would like that,
wouldn't you?
You know how that's not gonna
happen?
>> What?
>> It's not gonna happen if I'm
not playing the *** game!
Because when I'm not playing the
game, people are attacking our
tribe, okay, and that's a lot of
pressure, that's a lot of
stress.
>> It's too much for you.
>> And we could lose everything,
we could lose everything that we
have worked for-- everything!
>> I wasn't thinking.
>> No, you're not really the
thinking kind, though.
I'm kind of the thinking one in
the relationship, so...
>> Right, thank you.
>> Be pretty, you know, talk to
me right.
>> Yeah, yeah, yeah.
>> Get my energy balls.
(Sweet Dee gasps)
Unbelievable.
>> Hey, Charlie, we need to
talk, dude.
>> (laughing): Well, well, well,
if it isn't the soiled fool.
>> Frank told you about that?
>> Uh, no, everyone's talking
about it online; it's hilarious.
You destroyed your computer, you
bashed it to bits.
I'm assuming it got you in the
eye-- is that what's going on
there?
>> It bashed me back a little
bit.
>> Yeah, you should win those
fights, you shouldn't lose...
>> I did win, I did win, it just
got a couple of good shots in.
>> It did, yeah.
>> Hey, Charlie, hey, listen, I
want to tell you something.
>> Um, Dee...
>> Yeah?
>> You're not going to offer our
guest any?
>> Of course I-- of course,
that's what I was doing.
>> Yeah.
>> Hey, Mac, hey, did you, did
you want an energy ball or two?
>> Yeah.
>> Go ahead, have as many as you
want-- is that enough?
>> That's-- yeah, that's good.
>> There you go, okay.
>> Okay, you need to fuel up.
Have a bunch of balls.
>> Yeah, I do, thank you.
>> Okay, thank you.
>> Okay-- don't touch.
>> No, now I know.
>> Right, yeah.
>> I didn't mean that.
>> And stop groveling, just...
>> Let me know if you need...
>> You're not pretty when you do
that, so...
>> Wow, you, like, totally
psychologically, like,
annihilated her.
>> Yeah.
>> You're good at building, I'm
good at destroying.
We should totally team up.
>> Wait, you know what?
Can you do me a favor?
Can you watch her for a little
while while I go meet a girl
that I met online?
>> A real girl?
>> Yeah, a real girl.
>> She's probably fat, right?
>> Probably very fat, yeah.
>> If she's got any fat friends,
I'm, I'm in.
>> If she has any fat friends,
I'll let you know.
>> Or ugly.
>> Yeah, or ugly.
>> If they're sick, that's fine,
too.
>> Yeah, or ugly or sick or, or
male or female or whatever it is
that you like.
That's not the point.
Like, the point is, you know how
women get.
You know, she catches wind that
I'm meeting a girl, she's going
to go...
>> Oh, totally, totally.
I hate women.
>> Yeah, I-I know that you feel
that way, but do what I'm asking
and then I can help you out with
the game.
>> Okay, do what?
>> Watch Dee.
>> Oh, okay, yeah.
>> Hello, hi.
Anyone?
Come on, hello, hi.
God, it's unbelievable.
Does anybody want to experience
this?
Anyone want to experience me?
For real?
>> Oasis Sensory Deprivation.
Enter a new dimension.
Change your perception.
Experience a new reality.
Experience a new reality.
>> Stop getting invested in fake
realities!
>> I'm six foot, ten.
>> You're five foot, nine.
(babbles)
>> What even is reality?
>> This is real.
(brays)
>> How do you do?
>> We could be in a turtle's
dream in outer space.
(sighs)
>> (British accent): What is
real?
Is this real? Am I?
>> Who are you?
>> Oh, I'm you.
>> Huh.
That's an amazing accent.
>> I like yours as well.
>> I think I know what reality
is, but maybe I don't.
Everything in life is becoming
more and more virtual.
>> Aw, don't be such a ***.
Life is all in your mind.
If you believe it to be real,
then it's real.
>> I'm so confused, British
Dennis.
>> You create your own reality.
I've known beggars to be kings
and kings to be beggars, all
because they believed it so.
It's your choice.
>> It's my choice.
>> It's your universe.
>> It's my universe.
>> And you are God.
>> I... am... God.
Oh... oh... oh, no... okay.
>> Shh, shh, shh, shh.
>> Charlie?
>> Hey.
Julie, right?
The Queen of Thrones!
(chuckling)
The second most powerful player
in the game.
>> And you are the Mighty Rat
Slayer.
>> 'Tis I, 'tis I!
It's nice to meet you!
Yeah, I'm sorry... I'm sorry, I
haven't had a chance to tidy
myself.
You know, when you're playing
the game, you get caught up
and...
Have a seat! Have a seat!
Wow, this is... It's cool to
meet someone from the game, you
know?
>> I brought you something.
>> You did?
>> It's nothing, really.
It's just, um...
the best cheese steak in
Philadelphia.
(laughs)
>> You dog!
Uh, I'll be the judge of that,
all right?
You little rascal, you.
>> Uh, I don't normally meet
people from the game, but you
seem like such a nice guy.
>> Thanks, yeah, yeah, you
know...
This is embarrassing, but I got
you something too, you know?
I don't want... I don't want to
make you feel weird but here.
>> Oh, how thoughtful.
I wonder what it is.
>> It's not much.
Just a box of spiders.
>> (screams) What the hell?
>> Well, while we've been
sitting here, my followers have
burned your land, they've ***
your people, and they've
destroyed your tribe.
You thought you could make a
move on me, Queen of Thrones?
Well, you were wrong.
>> What?
I just wanted to have lunch with
you.
>> Oh, right.
Oh, let's have lunch because
we're hungry and we want to eat
food.
***!
You think I'd give up all this
for lunch?
You stupid, fat pig.
>> I'm not fat.
>> No, you're not fat, but you
were... you were supposed to be.
My friend Mac said you would be
fat.
>> Whatever.
You're a ***.
And your breath smells like dog
food.
(shouts)
>> Whatever, you ***!
I got the power now!
I'm doing good in the game, so
I'm doing good in life!
(panting)
>> Oh, look who's here.
Well, it's nice that you came.
A little overdressed.
>> You said that this was a
classy affair, Frank.
>> It was a classy affair until
you showed up.
(laughing)
>> You ***!
>> Where are your 101
Dalmatians tonight?
(laughing)
>> He's better at the zings than
you!
>> All right, Dee, give me your
phone, give me your headset-- I
got to get back online ASAP.
I just made some big things
happen.
Big things, baby!
Boom!
>> No.
>> She's not with you anymore,
bro.
>> Hold on. Shut up.
Wh-Why is the soiled fool
talking to me?
>> I don't need you anymore,
Charlie.
I'd like a divorce.
>> Ooh! Juicy!
>> Wait, what are you talking
about?
>> I know you were gonna leave
me for the Queen of Thrones, so
I've slept with Mac to humiliate
you.
(chuckles)
>> She's humiliated you and
herself by sleeping with me.
I'm good at the game now.
>> Oh, my God, Dee, you stupid
idiot.
Do you... do you have a brain in
your head?
I was tricking that girl, so
that I could destroy her tribe.
We're the most powerful tribe in
the whole game now!
What are you doing?!
(gasps)
>> Uh... you know, I-I guess
maybe I hadn't really thought
the whole thing through.
>> No, you didn't think!
Because you don't think!
You're just a stupid kept
housewife, okay?
>> Zing it, girl!
>> Frank, shut the hell up!
How dare you all conspire
against me?
How dare you?!
You know what, I want everyone
out.
Everyone get out of my
apartment, okay?
No, not you, not you, and not
you.
The three of you, sit!
(screaming) Get out!
Okay, I think we can all agree
that this game is the most
important thing that ever
happened to us, right?
>> Absolutely, yeah...
>> It's very important...
>> That's the truth.
>> It's a hugely important
thing!
So because I'm a nice guy, you
know, 'cause I'm a cool dude,
I'll let you live, all right?
But, Mac and Frank, you got to
give me your shares of Paddy's
Pub.
Done!
>> What?
>> Yes!
And, Dee, you're gonna have to
do all the Charlie-work in the
bar from here until-- oh, I
don't know-- how's eternity
sound?
>> (bad British accent): Stop...
This game has gone on long
enough.
(normal voice): Uh, ***.
>> Are you doing an accent?
>> Yeah, I was doing a British
acc... It was a British accent.
>> That was British?!
>> Yeah, I had it so good in my
head-- uh, I was doing a really
good British accent.
Doesn't matter. Anyway...
Charlie, you think you have all
the power?
Well, you don't.
You see, the only thing bigger
than a king is a god.
>> You think you're a god?
I'm the one who's thriving,
Dennis.
I mean, look at me.
>> You look like you're covered
in Hawaiian Punch.
>> Yeah?
>> Yeah.
>> Eh.
>> I am the god of my own
universe, Charlie.
I decide my own reality, and
I've decided all of your
realities as well.
So, you see, I unplugged it.
>> You... unplugged reality?
>> I don't understand what he's
saying.
>> Me neither.
>> I just... I deleted all of
your characters from the game.
>> What?
>> I erased all your... people.
>> H-How did you do that?
>> Well, it was easy.
You guys all have the same
password, "paddyspub."
>> Oh, that's my password for
everything.
>> Mine too.
>> Why would you do that though?
Why would you delete our
characters?
>> Because the *** game was
irritating to me.
I thought it was really stupid,
and it really is just, you know,
sort of that simple, so I ended
the game, you know.
That's the end.
Doesn't have to be a whole big
thing every single time, you
know.
That's life.
That's just sort of how-how ***
goes.
(chuckles)
Sometimes things just sort of...
end.
>> ♪ All night long ♪
>>♪ All night ♪
>> ♪ All night ♪
>> ♪ All night ♪
>> ♪ All night long ♪
>> ♪ All night ♪
>> ♪ All night ♪
>> ♪ All night ♪
>> ♪ All night long ♪
>> ♪ All night ♪
>> ♪ All night ♪
>> ♪ All night ♪
>> ♪ All night long ♪
>> ♪ All night ♪
♪ All night ♪
>>♪All night♪
>>♪ All night ♪
>> ♪ All night ♪
>>♪ All night ♪
>> ♪ All night ♪
>>♪ All night ♪
>> ♪ All night ♪
>>♪ All night ♪
>> ♪ All night... ♪
(trio chanting backwards)