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Spiritualist Sap here. And as the name implies ....
.... I'm what dribbles out of the tree of Spiritualism.
I know what you're thinking. He's a bit young. A bit trendy.
That's not the spiritualism I know.
Well, think of me as the David Blaine of the Spiritual world.
Bringing the dead people onto the street.
Ghostofdayinperson tagged TheraminTrees to give five facts.
Well, seeing as he's done that 2 years ago, I asked to step in.
So basically you're looking at a publicity cu-- publicity stunt for my cause.
And I sense some sympathy for that cause in ghostfodayinperson.
Dear ghostofday I want to thank you for promoting ghosts.
They may not smell too fresh - they tend to fall into one of two catagories:
pungent baby sick, or the kind of B.O. you only got in 1800s.
But they are our brethren - and our sistren.
So thanks ghostofdayinperson. I owe you. On with the facts!
Fact one: I was a child, born of god! Fact!
He had many other children that same day.
I understand he opted for a Caesarian. In the 'circs'.
I'm a member of the Church of the Unification of the Unifying Union Unity.
We broke off from the Church of the Unification of the Unifying Union, who we realised were basically a cult.
I do love an acronym, and I often joke with the other members that getting this one was quite a C.U.U.U.U.
Humour plays a big part in our faith.
Our particular approach has been to cannabilize the bits of other religions we all agree on ....
.... which basically consists of just one page of the bible.
The first two chapters of Genesis, before the fall from paradise.
There was a common feeling that, after that point, it does get a bit depressing.
Fact 2: I have proof god exists!
I know scientists like to claim that the earth revolved trillions of years ago from an amoeba -
- or something like that, I was only half listening -
- but I have evidence that blows their theory of revolution out of the pond.
I was out gardening a couple of weeks ago, and I picked up this fig leaf.
I examined it under a microscope. So it's completely scientific.
And I discovered that it was the original fig leaf that Adam used to cover his doodads.
And let me put it to you this way:
if you were squeamish about the Turin Shroud, you do not want to see the back of that fig leaf!
I don't actually still have it.
In a moment of spiritual crisis, I .... flung it on the compost.
But that's the kind of evidence you cannot deny.
So skeptics: see ya and I wouldn't want to be like ya.
Fact 3: I am psychic! Yes! Fact!
And I know what you're going to ask me.
'How do you know you're psychic?'
Well because I'm psychic.
Takes some people a long time to really digest what that means.
I do a TV show which takes me around the country - giving spiritualism a young, trendy new image.
Some people say: How can you take advantage of the bereaved -
robbing them of their hard-earned death insurance money
just to hear that the deceased thinks they should really go for that new haircut, or something equally trivial?
And I say to them: Are you criticising or enquiring about a franchise?
Because they're two very different conversations.
I know some psychics talk of spirit guides, whether that be an ancient Native American - or a goat.
My personal psychic philosophy is: Go with it and it'll come good. Or G.W.I.A.I.C.G.
Did a beautiful shoot the other day, by the harbour.
I channeled for a lady whose husband had gone missing at sea 5 years ago.
As we relaxed on that jetty, where tragically their yacht was no longer moored, I closed my eyes and let the images flow.
I tell her I can see him out there sailing with his mates. Having a beer and an egg sandwich.
Poignant.
But wait, I say, What's this?
A gigantic 5000-metre wall of water has just appeared out of nowhere, travelling at 1000 miles a second!
Almost the speed of sound!
I tell her, I can see the crew rushing forward to cover their uneaten sandwiches in some kitchen foil -
to prevent them from going soggy.
But in the blink of an eye, they’re engulfed.
I tell her, Every last men is thrown from the yacht, screaming at the top of their lungs!
I see your husband's face, I tell her, lacerated by broken glass!
Oops - *POP* - there goes an eye.
She says, No! Not his beautiful eyes!
I say, Splash. Splish. Him and his eye just hit the water.
Getting dragged down by the current now. Oh no, I say.
She says, What?
I say, It's the propeller! He's getting sucked towards it!
He's frantic! Paralysed by fear .... and yet somehow managing to swim like a nutter!
But not fast enough - *THUCK* - that's an arm gone.
I can see it whizzing round in that propeller like some nightmarish Royal wave.
Oh dear, I say.
She says, What?!
I say, Now the sharks are beginning to circle, attracted primarily by the blood emanating from your husband's stump.
He's desperately trying to hold onto his last breath.
But it's too late. The shark's had his leg off.
Your husband's letting out the most terrible final gargling scream of agony.
When I opened my eyes, I saw she was sitting bolt upright, eyes wide as plates -
gripping the arms of her chair, knuckles grey with tension.
Using my expertise in body language, I deduced her to be in a state of mild shock.
But she somehow managed to squeeze out five words. She said:
'Was it a peaceful death?'
I said 'yep'.
I said, Oh, and he says he loves you, by the way .... quite a lot.
Course, that's when the tears started rolling - which is basically the point of the exercise.
Blubbering on film, wrap up shoot!
B.O.F.W.U.S.
Fact 4: I take photos of U.F.O.s! Fact!
It's a hobby I took up in my 20s when I was ostracised by the trainspotting community.
I think it was for having hair that was just a little bit too cool.
People sometimes remark on how similar all the UFOs look in my pictures.
I say to them: To the amateur astronomer, every star looks the same.
People sometimes get confused by my indoor UFOs.
They say, shouldn't they be out in Texas, anally probing prominent pillars of the community.
I just roll my eyes at their narrow-minded stereotypes.
Fact 5: I don't have a computer! Yes. Fact!
I'm actually projecting this mentally onto YouTube.
Of course, it's occurred to me that it will only be picked up by the psychically sensitive amongst us.
But then I thought, What if a sceptic picks this up?
When they see my face they'll get quite a shock.
And just maybe finally admit that the brain-dead can communicate with the living!
Now, I ran this past my cat, Epiphany, who as luck would have it is telepathic.
She said, Strictly speaking, none of these things qualify as facts.
They're actually a mixture of beliefs and lies.
But funny thing is if you believe something strong enough, it actually becomes a fact.
Yes. It be-COMES a fact!
Come on now, try it with me.
Turn them into Facts!
That's it!
That's it ....
Bloody sceptics!