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Yeah, hello?
Hey, people! Let's show some consideration and keep it down, will ya?
I'm on the phone! Huh?!
Hey, Other people live here, alright?
Dang noisy neighbors. Okay, speak to me.
My name is Sargent Frank Drebin.
Just what are you getting at?
There'd been a recent wave of gorgeous fashion models
found naked and unconscious in laundromats on the West Side.
I haven't seen anything like this
in my forty-nine years as a man.
I used to have that problem.
Unfortunately, I was assigned to investigate
holdups of neighborhood credit unions.
Oooohhh!
Oh, no!
Oh, boy!
Oh, ho!
But I think that's only common sense.
Oh, I didn't.
I mean, I don't know where my head is at.
The pleasure is all mine.
It's true what they say.
Cops and women don't mix.
It's like eating a spoonful of Drano:
Sure, it'll clean you out, but it'll leave you hollow inside.
Look. The only way to fight criminals is to be,
you know, wilder than they are!
I'm Lieutenant Drebin.
Is this some kind of bust?
Yes, it's very impressive, but we'd just
like to ask you some questions.
This is unbelievable.
You really mean that?
I'd rather blow myself up than subjugate myself
to a foul-mouthed little degenerate
who shoots her mouth off like this, humiliating men.
Alright, freeze!
Police!
Stop! Take it off! Take it off! Take it off! Jack!
You would not believe the indignity I've been put through!
Ahh!
I hate to say it, sir, but your wife
is a lying, scheming, deceitful, no good piece of white trash.
Okay, I've known that for years!
You're not just saying it because we
exchanged bodily fluids.
Isn't that right, poopy pants?
We're here at the scene of a liquor store robbery
that was thwarted by the man beside me, Inspector Sledge Hammer.
Inspector Hammer, tell us what happened.
Well, Miss, I was in this store
when two thugs entered and threatened the owner with shotguns.
At that time, I drew my Magnum and killed them both.
Then I bought some eggs, and some milk
and some of those little cocktail weenies.
Inspector Hammer, was what you did
in that store absolutely necessary?
Oh, yes, I had no groceries at all.
Well, we shot a lot of people, it's been great.
Could you just explain to me about security.
From what you were saying, this gunman couldn't have
gotten into that building without some kind of university's I.D.,
some kind of electronic pass.
Well, I guess it was the racist society that took him in
and didn't make him the president of a major Salt Lake City corporation
within six months that made him do it.
It was probably the white people who made him do it,
because they were happy and he wasn't.
Or it could be the fact that all of the talk about Valentine's Day
insulted his heritage in some way.
Or -- who knows why?
But, you know, he really is the victim here.
But there is basically a police station at the campus,
is that what you're saying?
Now, had the shooter been blond hair and blue-eyed -- hoo, hoo
why then all of the boys with the curly hair and the large glasses
in the newsrooms of America --
"Stop the presses! We have a white boy, a Christian to crucify!"
Just a terrible day for you.
I am grateful for your time, thanks for talking to us.
Go to hell, how's that?