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(ELECTRONIC WHIRRING)
(FLATLINE TONE)
(CRACKING)
(MUFFLED CHATTER)
(DOOR OPENS)
(CLEARS HIS THROAT)
They're ready for you.
- Gwendolyn Harris. We've met.
- Bournemouth.
- But you don't know the others.
- No, but I'm familiar with you.
Why do you want to be an MP?
Because I'm not satisfied
with the way things are,
and rather than sit back and moan,
I'd prefer to do something about it.
- (BELL RINGS)
- Go again from the top.
I don't know why anyone's surprised
the world's number one teen idol
has become a Scientologist.
Speed up the autocue, please.
Pop stars do believe in weird things.
Abba believed in angels.
R Kelly believed he could fly
They said show you this.
- This happened just now?
- Mm-hm.
Gladwell?
"Shamed Tory Jason Gladwell resigns" -
capitals -
"over Twitter *** pics scandal."
Oh, so he wasn't hacked after all.
"Originally claimed
his account had been hacked
"Resignation statement admits
"inappropriate correspondence
with a 15-year-old girl."
So tweeting *** photos
is correspondence now, is it?
"Departure triggers a by-election
"in his Stentonford and Hersham
constituency."
- Well, you get to use the Gladwell stuff.
- Mm-hm.
Bump it all up to the top of
the monologue. Anyone seen Jamie?
(PHONE RINGING)
Rach?
You really shouldn't be
calling me any more.
You need to sort yourself out.
I am.
Focus on Waldo.
That's going well for you.
- But it's not
- He's a hit, Jamie.
"He." Not me, "he".
Just do your show.
- I will. I mean, hon, if you'd just
- (KNOCK AT DOOR)
- (PHONE RINGS OFF)
- WOMAN: Jamie?
Jamie, hurry up.
WOMAN: What do you know about
Stentonford and Hersham?
Safe Tory seat.
So realistically, I know
there's not much of a chance, but
So, it's a stepping stone for you?
Yes.
Obviously, I wouldn't say that
outside of this room, but
well, you want me to be honest.
There's no point in pretending.
Is there anything in your past
that might conceivably cause problems?
No.
Except
I did commit a series of murders
in Huddersfield
between '99 and 2003.
But apart from that
Well, thank you, Gwendolyn.
If you could leave via that door.
Oh, that door?
We like to keep
the candidates separate.
Right, yes.
(MUTTERS) Idiot.
Idiot!
Shamed super groomer and all-round
pillock of the community
Jason Gladwell
has resigned as an MP,
saying he could no longer
maintain his position.
That position, presumably,
being hunched over,
- wanking madly at school kids.
- (LAUGHTER)
A pal of Gladwell said
- Are you ready?
- Uh-huh.
how old the girl wasn't.
That's the sort of
feeble excuse only a naive school kid
would swallow -
which, presumably, was the idea.
(GROANS AND LAUGHTER)
Anyway, the bad news is,
he's resigned in disgrace.
The good news is, he's now
free to pursue a full-time career
in the disgraced paedophile industry.
(LAUGHTER)
Personally, I don't understand
why anyone's surprised
Um, small change to the intro.
What?
Nothing huge, just Conor wanted
the Jacko gag
- for the monologue, so
- That was my bit.
There's the Chancellor stuff,
you could use that.
Bit politics.
- You can do politics.
- I do ***-taking.
Go be Waldo.
Yes, Commander.
R Kelly believed he could fly,
and Michael Jackson believed
that his doctor was qualified
(DEEP VOICE)
Big ball blue bear ***.
And now it's time
for our final visit to the world
of educational children's programming
courtesy of everyone's favourite,
and only occasionally inappropriate
cool kids' TV character, Waldo.
- Whose mum's in tonight, apparently.
- (LAUGHTER)
Waldo, who have you had
in your cave this week?
Well, Conor, in my big pink
cave this week, I had former
Minister for Culture Liam Monroe.
Oh, he's quite handsome, isn't he?
I was hoping he'd nosh me off!
Want to see how it panned out?
I think we should.
Run VT!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER)
Hey, everybody!
Lt's Waldo time! Yeah!
Cool! Cool!
Waldo-rrific!
Ha-ha-ha!
Hey, kids,
my guest this week is Mr Monroe.
Hello, Mr Monroe.
Hello, Waldo.
Mr Monroe is a politician.
So, what is a politician, Mr Monroe?
Well, a politician is someone
who tries to make the world
a fairer place.
Like Batman.
- Not exactly like Batman.
- Do you beat people up?
No, I don't beat people up.
Are you a ***, then?
(LAUGHTER)
Well, I'm not sure
I know exactly what
You don't know what *** is?
(LAUGHTER)
OK, this is clearly
some kind of joke.
No joke, sorry, let's move on.
Friends again?
(KISSES)
(CHATTERING)
Oh, hello, mate, great show.
Well done,
really good.
So, we'll bring him over.
You go and get him,
I'll explain about
Now, he comes across
Jamie!
(WALDO'S VOICE)
What you want, Miss Tamsin?
Behind me, man in glasses
talking to Jack Napier.
- Jack freaks me out.
- Yeah, ditto,
but he owns the company
and the man he's with is important
- and wants to talk to you.
- (SIGHS)
He's from the channel.
Go on.
- JACK: Honestly, all I'm saying
- JIM: Is he shy?
No, all I'm saying is,
he's a terrific guy
- Jim, Jamie, Jamie, Jim.
- How do you do?
- Jim, Jack, James.
- Jamie.
Jim was just talking about Waldo.
Yeah. Liam Monroe
has lodged a complaint.
- Toys out of the pram.
- And that's?
Good press.
It's so tough to get a breakthrough
these days,
but when it does,
well, it's just fantastic.
It's fantastic the way Waldo puts
the *** up Monroe.
You know, all those ***,
it's punk, it's it's
- Jack?
- Excuse me.
Well, Twitter can't get
enough of Waldo, loves him.
Look, I know the show's coming back again
next year, but, um
we want to see more of Waldo.
They want to do a pilot.
- A Waldo pilot?
- Yeah. I mean, how does that sound?
Yeah. That sounds good.
Sounds stormin' Norman,
*** stormin'.
Going to give it to 'em.
(PHONE BEEPS)
SHAUN: Yeah, but look, we can't
do sketches without Waldo.
It's a Waldo pilot,
it's a Waldo show,
it's got to be Waldo, Waldo, Waldo.
Realistically, there isn't the budget
for other animations.
I mean live action,
other characters I can do.
What about the Brown Knight?
What, the crap crusader?
We can look into the Brown Knight.
But right now let's find more Waldo ideas.
The problem is, any guests we book
will be in on it. They know that
Waldo's a joke, the surprise is gone.
So, we think round that.
- But we can't just
- TABLET: Hey, boys and girls!
Lt's Waldo time!
Yeah! Ha-ha!
- (LAUGHTER)
- He's awesome, isn't he?
- I mean, look
- Hey, boys and girls
sod name in lights,
you're an app now, my brother.
Yeah! Ha-ha!
All right, Sara?
How's the think-tanking going?
- Good ***?
- Um
- Yeah, we're making headway.
- Good.
I see our friend Monroe
is in the news again,
running in
the Stentonford by-election.
We should get Waldo down there.
Hey, that's not a bad idea,
actually.
We get a van with a screen
with the image of Waldo on the side.
Like it.
And then, when Monroe's
doing a meet and greet, we just
- turn up and just get under his skin.
- I love that, I love it.
- We've done Monroe.
- But it was a great bit.
I'm not dumb or clever enough
to be political
Why don't we get Waldo
to stand for the by-election?
- Get people to vote for him?
- He's not real.
But people have stood as fictional
characters before. Do you think
Screaming Lord Sutch was his real name?
We just put "commonly known as"
on the ballot.
No-one's actually going to vote for him,
that's not the point.
The point is, we get to hang around,
we're there for the count.
(CLICKS FINGERS) Well, go on then, Sara,
whack it up there.
TAMSIN: He's with a mum and baby group.
OK. Going live
in five four three two
Thank you so much for joining me this
morning. It's been incredibly informative
and I think we should have a little
round of applause for the children,
who were fantastic.
Thank you, Naomi.
Um thank you for your time.
Hey!
Hey, it's me, Waldo.
Oh, I like your trainers, man!
I'd wear trainers myself
but I can't cos I haven't got feet.
- I've got stumps.
- (ALL LAUGH)
He's out.
Hey, Mr Monroe! Mr Monroe!
Hey! Did you get off
with any of the mums?
Where'd you look
while they were breastfeeding?
They got big milky ***, Mr Monroe!
He said it!
Mr Monroe, don't walk away from me!
- I'm sorry about this, Liam.
- Hey, I'm being snubbed!
Hey, don't ignore me.
Don't just get in your car.
It's a death trap anyway,
look at it!
Let's find out what we can
- about the idiot inside that thing.
- Sure.
Mr Monroe. Oi!
(PHONE RINGS)
WOMAN: Stentonford Labour Party.
Right, you've got
a choice of styles,
so just choose one from there.
Then you put your name in there.
This is like bloody Moonpig.
Don't knock the free mail-out.
Bet Liam Monroe doesn't use
some Fisher-Price leaflet app.
He doesn't have to.
Day one of the campaign
in Stentonford and Hersham,
and Tory hopeful Liam Monroe
hits the ground running.
The licence fee is something
that's very close to my heart
WALDO: Mr Monroe, ey! Ooh-ooh-ooh!
Look at me, Mr Monroe, please!
Hey, over here! Hey, over here!
Look over here, Mr Monroe,
- look over here!
- The Conservative Party have been, er
have been arguing for a reduction
in the licence fee for
- Hey, hey! Good morning, everybody.
- Pardon?
Why you ignoring me, Mr Monroe
- I beg your pardon.
- I'm sorry. It's rather loud.
- Mr Monroe, Mr Monroe
- We have argued for a further reduction
- in the licence fee
- Why you ignoring me?
Mum with a pushchair -
drag her into it.
Hey, you. Mum with the pushchair.
Yeah, you. Ask Mr Monroe
why he's ignoring me.
Why are you ignoring Waldo?
Mr Monroe,
what's Waldo done to you?
- Yeah. Answer the lady.
- Who's she?
We should probably just shift
before this turns stupid.
I'm not walking away from a cartoon.
I'm not ignoring you.
Yeah, you were, you upset me.
You made Waldo
sad. Waa-a-a-a-a-ah.
Well, obviously, I'm absolutely
devastated that you're upset
Wa-a-a-a-a-a-a-ah!
(CROWD LAUGHS)
Let him get a word in.
I'm not ignoring you
because there is no you.
You are an image
voiced by a comedian -
- an alleged comedian, more accurately.
- If I'm not real,
why you talking to him?
And by "him"
I mean me, knobber!
(CROWD LAUGHS)
There's no point in attempting
to converse with a cartoon.
Ooh, "converse", Your Lordship!
Thy flowery language doth give me
a right throbbing bone-on!
Uh-ha-ha-ha-huh!
(CROWD GASPS AND LAUGHS)
Uh-er-ha-ha!
Ha-ha-ha-ha-uh-uh-uh!
Uh-uh-uh-oh!
- Huh! Huh!
- (SQUELCHING)
- Finished.
- (CROWD LAUGHS)
Drink?
I've got e-mails.
You know that's Gwendolyn Harris?
The Labour candidate.
Did you read my background doc?
Yes.
Why don't you read it tonight? Alone.
I'll swing by about nine,
so have your breakfast first
Are you my dad?
Apparently not. See you tomorrow.
TV: Waldo the bear left Monroe
in stunned silence.
The colourful Waldo
launched his own campaign
in typically loud
and crowd-pleasing style
Someone's bold. Do I know you?
Nice way to greet a voter.
Oh, sorry, I thought you were
Actually, I'm more of a rival.
"Hey, Mr Monroe, Mr Monroe,
why you ignoring me, Mr Monroe?"
- You're good at that.
- Because I am that.
- What? You're that thing?
- Waldo's not a thing
he's a bear.
Liam Monroe calls him worse.
Nice work there, by the way.
Yeah, well. It's *** jokes
at his expense basically.
Another one?
OK. One.
The way you describe it, it's like
you're doing this for a showreel
No
like this place is the equivalent
of a walk-on in a sketch show
Ssh!
but your party leader has to show up
- because it's a mid-thing
- Mid-term by-election.
Terminology ***.
- You are 12!
- So, because leaderballs is there,
suddenly it's walk-on
in a Ricky Gervais sketch show
so it's good exposure. You're not going to
win, you know you're not going to win
- Come on, ssh!
- You're not going to win, though.
Of course not.
So, why not be honest?
Say, "You arseholes aren't
"going to vote for me,
so here's what I think anyway."
- It doesn't work like that.
- Nothing does,
that's why everything's bollocksed.
You're angry,
for someone who's doing well.
I'm the voice of a blue bear.
(SHE GIGGLES)
If that's "doing well",
then we are doomed!
- I can't see!
- Hang on, there's a thing.
Have you had a fox in here
or do you live like a 14-year-old?
(SHE LAUGHS)
Well, don't get too excited,
I'm not sleeping in it.
***. Really?
(PANTING AND GROANING)
You're amazing.
Sorry?
You're amazing?
Oh, thank you!
(RAIN PATTERS ON WINDOW)
(HE SIGHS)
What's up?
Nothing.
Are you sure?
It's just
I haven't been happy in a while
and this is good, you know?
Hm.
Can I have your number?
Yes! (GIGGLES)
Where's our mark this morning?
- We're out on the road.
- Oh
bien sur.
Oh, hello, I'm Mr Monroe.
Vote for me and keep things ***.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
(PHONE BEEPS)
(PHONE BEEPS)
Vote Waldo! Vote Waldo!
Vote Waldo!
Vote Waldo!
- GWENDOLYN: You're right. Strong Tory.
- ROY: I warned you.
You know you're on Monroe turf
when they live so far apart.
(CAR HORN ***)
MAN: I'm voting Waldo!
I met Waldo last night.
Jamie, the guy who plays him.
He's fun.
- Fun?
- Mm-hm.
Did you tell him anything
about our campaign?
Not really.
Not really or no?
Er, not really.
Look, he's OK.
He's a comedian - he's mocking Monroe now,
it'll be you next.
His act is all F-this
and *** jokes.
- But
- Don't see him again.
(PHONE RINGS)
OK. Job done
till the husting tomorrow.
Some media students doing
a Question Time type thing.
They've asked Waldo
to join the panel.
Oh, come on. It's my nightmare,
going on Question Time.
It's students, you'll walk it.
- I can't answer serious questions
- No-one wants you to!
You're the comic relief, lighten up.
OK. Um, just have a look.
I'm sure you'll find lots in there
(PHONE RINGS)
ROY: Are there any particular issues
that you're concerned about at all?
(BEEPING)
Hey.
- Oh, hi.
- I thought we were going to
- Sorry, I've had a tough day
- Right.
- Not even one?
- Sorry.
Well, what about tomorrow?
Look, I can't When this is happening,
I can't see you.
- What do you mean?
- I'm sorry.
Do they think
that looks like Question Time?
Yeah. It looks politics-y.
Check the host.
Jailbait Dimbleby.
When it comes to addiction
and addicts,
we should sympathise,
but we shouldn't patronise.
You know, serious drug use is
a criminal offence,
that is committed voluntarily
and for pleasure
- (AUDIENCE MUTTERS)
- Look, I'm sorry, these are the facts.
- Waldo, what do you think?
- Mr Monroe,
- are you addicted?
- No.
Sorry, I mean, are you a ***?
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
I think we have to ask ourselves
I think we have to ask ourselves,
what is this for?
And why do we waste our time
with animated trivialities
like him?
- I mean, why?
- Why?
(ON A LOOP) I mean why? I mean why?
I mean why? I mean why?
This is just the kind of thing
- Rather than see you laugh
- They laugh at you,
Limbo.
You laugh, you're laughing
at someone who won't engage,
who is scared to engage,
who hides behind a children's cartoon.
Who you calling a kiddy toon, fool?
I'm I'm
I'm speaking about James Salter.
Hm?
- It's your name, isn't it?
- Don't worry about it.
A James Salter, this is the man
who's behind all this.
He's 33 years old,
a man whose career can be summed up
surprisingly quickly.
You were in a sketch troupe
that enjoyed minor success
about six years ago,
and the others moved on
to better things,
but your main achievement
seems to have been
playing the part of a corn on the cob
in a high-interest
personal loan commercial.
- (LAUGHTER)
- I notice you keep that pretty quiet.
And now of course operating
this sort of teddy bear thing.
Which by the way is easier than it looks.
Anyone could do it.
See, this is this is the thing.
It's easy, what he does.
He mocks.
And when he can't think of
an authentic joke, which is actually
quite often, he just swears.
I think that this puppet's inclusion
on this panel
debases the process of debate,
and smothers any meaningful
discussion of the issues.
So I return to my original question -
is that really what this is for?
He has nothing to offer
and he has nothing to say.
Prove me wrong. Hm?
Speak, Waldo.
Please.
Come on. Speak up.
There, you see, nothing.
Oh, go *** yourself.
(LAUGHTER)
It's more swearing.
You're a joke.
You look less human than I do
and I'm a made-up bear
with a turquoise ***.
(LAUGHTER)
What are you? You're just
an old attitude with new hair.
Assuming you're my superior because
I'm not taking you seriously? No-one
takes you seriously,
that's why no-one votes.
- The vast majority do vote.
- It's ***.
Surely this is enough?
- You think you deserve respect.
- Just common courtesy.
Because you went to public school
and grew up believing
you're entitled to everything.
- Perhaps we could get back
- Ad hominem nonsense
Gwendolyn Harris
Something's got to change.
No-one trusts you lot
cos they know you don't give a ***
about anything outside your bubble.
What about your mate Gladwell,
the kiddy-flasher? You knew him for 20
years - did you not know what he was like?
No, of course not.
Yeah, cos you're all just front,
like him, sly and pretending,
and in that way you're all the same.
Gwendolyn Harris,
is all of politics a waste of time?
Well, of course I think no
Oh, shut up, you're worse!
- Seriously, she's faker than him.
- For once, I find myself
agreeing with Liam Monroe in that
this really doesn't get us anywhere
- Are you going to win?
and there's no point
in us continuing
- Tell them why you're here.
if we can't have anything
- Tell them why you're here.
can't have anything resembling
- Tell them why you're here!
She's here to build a showreel.
I'm not kidding, that's literally it.
No, she's not going to win. This is
all experience, to get herself on telly.
She actually gives less of a ***
about anyone round here than he does,
because he'll actually
have to represent you. Am I wrong?
A career politician.
Someone else less real than me,
and I can do this.
(LAUGHTER AND WHOOPING)
Can I just make a couple of points?
Oh, shut up, you pebble!
What is this for? That's what
you wanted to know, Mr Monroe.
And the truth is, none of us know
any more, thanks to you.
What are you for?
What are you for?
Thank you
- and good night.
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
TAMSIN: Jamie.
Jamie?
Jack's here. He wants to see us.
You can't avoid it.
Get dressed, he'll meet us outside.
TV: And yet accusations
of vapidity aside,
it's clearly tapped a nerve.
In just three days,
Waldo has gone viral.
The video of his clash has already been
viewed over a million times on You Tube.
There are Facebook groups calling on Waldo
to form a national party.
WALDO: You're a joke.
You look less human than I do
and I'm a made-up bear with
a turquoise (BLEEP). What are you?
You're just an old attitude
with new hair.
Assuming you're my superior
because I'm not taking you seriously?
No-one takes you (BLEEP) seriously.
(CHATTERING)
Oh, look, here he is,
the man of the moment!
How does it feel to be a phenomenon?
***-ifying.
You are everywhere, my son.
Twitter, the news
Have you seen the poll?
You're in third place, mate.
You overtook that Lib Dem prick
- Yeah, well, he's a glass of water.
- This is an opportunity, Jamie.
He knows my name now.
We could really do something here.
You know, everyone's pissed
with the status quo.
And Waldo gives that a voice.
Waldo's a bear. A blue bear.
Tell him, Tams.
We've been asked on Consensus.
It's a ten-minute one-to-one interview
with Phillip Crane.
Pitbull Crane?
- Big guns for big guns.
- Hello? I'm not a politician, OK?
I don't want to be a politician.
We know that you hate politics.
I don't hate them,
I'm just not interested in them.
You don't need to be
interested in them.
You just need to be Waldo.
And when Crane asks something tricky
and I look stupid
because I don't know how to answer?
You'll know the answer
because you have a producer.
Look I can tell you what to say.
I can live Google any facts,
give you stats, quotes,
whatever else you need.
So you've got a safety net
for the concrete stuff
and the rest is Waldo,
and you can do that in your sleep.
You'll *** all over Crane.
He'll know there's a team around me,
he'll see it.
Yeah, good. I hope he does.
I hope he points a camera at it.
All the other MPs have got teams,
we're just more honest about it.
Now, come on. What d'you say? Eh?
- Jamie! Jamie!
- Why would I want to do this?
Look, the world is knackered
and you can do something about it.
I don't know what you're on about.
Waldo has got the attention of the young,
and the young don't give a ***
about anything except trainers
and pirating films.
Do you have any other astounding theories
about young people?
Yeah, yeah, I do, actually.
Look, they care about Waldo.
They'll vote for Waldo.
The video was a hit for a reason.
The video's embarrassing.
I'm embarrassed by it.
I was lashing out.
I wasn't even articulate.
- It doesn't matter.
- Or funny, which is almost worse.
We can build on that.
- Waldo's not real.
- Exactly!
That's what you said
that really hit home. He's not real,
but he's realer than all the others.
He doesn't stand for anything.
Yeah, well, at least
he doesn't pretend to.
Look we we don't need politicians,
we've all got iPhones
and computers, right?
So any decision that has to be made,
any policy, we just put it online.
Let the people vote - thumbs up,
thumbs down, the majority wins.
That's a democracy. That's a
that's an actual democracy.
So's YouTube, and I don't know
if you've seen it,
but the most popular video is a dog
farting the theme tune to Happy Days.
Well, today it's Waldo.
No. It's still the dog.
Listen, can you imagine
all the things we can change
if we *** the politicians
out of the equation?
I've said what I've said
and now I'm shutting this door.
Do you know who owns Waldo?
I do, I own the rights.
He's my character.
Yeah, written for my show.
You're too frightened to take it
to the next level. Fine. I understand.
But also
*** off!
And watch me fly.
You own Waldo, you can't be Waldo.
(MIMICS WALDO) Eh, Jamie, Jamie,
Jamie, what's 'appenin'? Eh-eh-eh!
Pretty close, I'd say.
(AS WALDO) What's happenin'? Ahh!
Waldo-rrific, yeah!
Yeah!
(OWN VOICE)
Why is he going off left again?
- Because the
- I know! I've got my
- Put your thumb in the white thing.
- In there? OK.
That's not how that works.
First tonight, a figure -
or more accurately a character -
who's been causing an upset
in the Stentonford by-election.
Unlike the other candidates,
he has no party affiliation.
He doesn't even have a surname.
He is Waldo. A few weeks ago,
just a cult character in a comedy show.
Today, an official mascot
for protest voters.
Vote Waldo.
Cartoons don't play by the rules,
and Waldo's open disdain
for his opponents
has clearly struck a chord.
Ha-ha-ha!
Waldo, as a mascot
for the disenfranchised, aren't you
ultimately neutralising
seriously effective dissent?
for Mr Crane, please?
By encouraging people not to care,
you're actively dangerous.
Dangerous?
- You think the public can't be trusted?
- No.
Isn't that basically
you calling them ***?
- No, I
- Bell-ends, then?
Did you actually come here
for a discussion or
You're snooty for a glorified
Punch and Judy man, Phil.
You know you're gonna get your
best ratings in months cos I'm here.
To even get close to the figures
I'm gonna pull in for you tonight,
you'd have to *** a prawn sandwich
live on air.
- Make a nice prawn cocktail.
- Could we make a serious
political point that is
I've got one big blue point
to make, fool.
- Would you like to have a look at it?
- Oh, God. Thank you.
Great work tonight. Look at
Look at this, look at this.
It's the Waldo polling app.
Now, this can pinpoint you with GPS
so that when you're at a polling station,
it unlocks loads of free ***, look.
Thanks for voting, ***!
Thanks for voting, ***!
It's good, isn't it?
Who's this guy we're meeting?
I dunno. But he's from Washington
and he's got my restricted number.
Jeff Carter, from the agency.
- Hey.
- And I'll leap right in.
I think what you're doing
with Waldo is fascinating.
- From "the agency"?
- Yeah, listen.
Waldo may be
the perfect political figurehead.
Waldo the Bear.
The bear people like.
The fact he's a bear is an assist.
An assist?
- It helps.
- Right.
You look at human politicians,
you're instinctively like,
"brrrr" - uncanny, right?
Like the girls in ***.
You just know something's wrong,
cos why else are they doing it?
- It's usually daddy issues, eh?
- Just like politics. Waldo bypasses that.
You already know he's not real,
so no personal flaws.
I'm a person.
With respect, Waldo's more than you.
He's a team,
and you're open about that,
which is fantastic.
The honesty thing works.
Waldo is a construct
people not just accept, but embrace.
At the moment he's anti-politics,
which is a political stance in itself,
right?
But he could deliver any brand
of political content,
minus the potential downsides
of a human messenger.
In a debate, your team could Google
every word the other guy says,
then let Waldo hit him
with debunk stats
and spit a Twitter-ready zinger
into the next sentence.
He's the perfect assassin.
We won't win, though.
You guys are so British.
No, of course he won't win.
You started out too coarse off the bat.
There's no substantial basis
to what you offer,
and the whole nihilist "democracy sucks"
thing, yeah, is kind of wack-a-doo,
but with a targeted, hopeful message,
which we of course can provide,
energising the disenfranchised
without spooking the middle,
via your new platform
You got a global political-entertainment
product people actually want.
You could roll this out worldwide.
Like Pringles.
Absolutely.
It's, er It's interesting stuff
though.
When you're done with Stentonford,
there may be an opportunity
in South America.
Se puede hablar espanol?
Vivi en Madrid tres anos.
Excelente.
TV: Yet another viral hit for Waldo
and his encounter with Phillip Crane
racked up more
What?
He's not coming.
But he's the party leader!
It's too toxic.
TV: Meanwhile, as support for Gwendolyn
Harris appears to be dwindling,
Labour denies the party is losing faith
in their young candidate.
But Miss Harris spent most of the day
locked in crisis talks
at party head
(TV OFF)
RADIO: In the Stentonford by-election,
Waldo the cartoon bear continues
Did you see Gwendolyn Harris
yesterday?
She looks like she's been poisoned.
Because he's gonna overtake her.
We're still way ahead.
If that thing is the main opposition,
then the whole system looks absurd.
Which it may well be.
But it built these roads.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Just come in, Roy.
I'm sorry, OK?
It was wrong to speak to you
like that and
After the campaign,
I would've called you.
After the campaign!
All you've done
is strengthen Monroe.
You won't win either, but I was
at least attempting to represent
Well I don't know!
Not just "*** to everything".
If you were preaching revolution,
well, that'd be something,
but you're not
because that would require courage
and a mindset.
And what have you got?
Who are you?
What are you for?
Morning.
So, final push.
You remind everyone
that's got the app
that if they recommend it to a friend
it unlocks a little fez for Waldo.
TAMSIN: We're here.
Attention, shoppers.
I'm here to ask you an important favour.
Gather round.
Come over here and listen.
Don't vote for me. I'm an insult.
Seriously. Vote for Monroe
or Harris
or, I dunno, UKIP,
or even that
Lib Dem guy.
- He's a prick!
- Seriously,
only an arsehole
would actually vote for me.
What is this? Irony?
I'm worse than a wasted vote.
He's from the Harris campaign.
I mean it, you idiots!
Don't vote for me!
Don't vote for me!
Don't vote for me!
Don't vote for
(MUFFLED SHOUTS)
(CROWD BOOS)
Shut up.
No. Don't boo him,
- he's right, He's right!
- What are you doing?
- Resigning.
- Jamie!
Look! It's me, I'm Waldo.
This guy, whoever this guy is,
he's a hero.
You should throw stuff at Waldo,
- he's bad bloody news.
- WOMAN: He's funny!
He's not.
Don't listen to that man,
he's a lesbian. Ahh!
- So remember, the polls are open.
- (LAUGHTER)
And if you've got my app, you can
unlock new stuff, like catchphrases
and a little hat 'n' that.
Only an idiot wouldn't vote for me,
so question the status quo!
- Kill it! Kill it!
- Kick them where it hurts.
The first man to hit him
gets 500 quid!
Yeah, that's right. Knock him down.
Knock him down.
Smash it!
Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah
TV: I, the undersigned,
being the returning officer
for the Stentonford and Hersham
constituency,
hereby give notice that
the total number of votes recorded
for each candidate at the election
is as follows.
Finch, Simon Arthur.
Liberal Democrats.
2,449.
(APPLAUSE)
Harris, Gwendolyn Jodie. Labour.
11,237.
(APPLAUSE AND BOOING)
Monroe, Liam George Tennyson.
Conservative.
19, 161.
(JEERING)
Waldo, Independent.
16, 784.
(BOOING AND SHOUTING)
Ladies Ladies and gentlemen, please!
I declare that Liam Monroe
is duly elected member of Parliament
for the constituency.
(BOOING)
Hey, hey!
Everyone!
500 quid to anyone
who can lob a shoe!
(CHEERING AND SHOUTING)
Up you get, come on.
Come on!
(MECHANICAL WHIRRING)
Come on. Out you go.
Go on!
(TV COMMENTARY IN JAPANESE)
Oi!
Agh!
- (DULL THUDS)
- (GROANS)