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[ THUNDER CRASHES ]
>> [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]
[ SAWING ]
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]
>> IT'S ALIVE!
[ THUNDER CRASHES ]
>> [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]
[ SMOOCH! ]
[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]
>> ♪ ALVIN IS THE COOL-MUNK ♪
♪ HE REALLY LOVES TO ROCK ♪
♪ TOGETHER WE'RE THE CHIPMUNKS ♪
♪ I JERK OFF IN DAVE'S
SO-O-O-CK ♪
>> ALVIN!
[ SCREAMING ]
>> THIS IS MY JAM.
>> I SWEAR TO GOD, I'M GONNA GET
BACKSTAGE AND BLOW ONE OF THOSE
CHIPMUNKS!
>> WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?
>> YEAH! AT LEAST ONE OF THEM.
HOPEFULLY ALL OF THEM.
>> BUT THEY DON'T HAVE PENISES,
TRACI.
THEY'RE ANIMATRONIC.
>> KENDRA, THEY'RE NOT
ANIMATRONIC.
I THINK I HEARD THEY'RE MUTANTS.
THEY'RE REGULAR CHIPMUNKS THAT
GOT RADIATED.
>> DON'T CARE. BLOWING ONE!
WHOO!
>> WOW.
>> ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
>> MR. SEVILLE, I'M NEW HERE, SO
I WANTED TO DOUBLE-CHECK.
WHAT'S YOUR POLICY ON GROUPIES?
>> GROUPIES?
>> OH, HI -- ME, ME!
>> WAIT A MINUTE, ARE YOU SAYING
THAT HUMAN GIRL IS SEXUALLY
INTERESTED IN THE BOYS?
THAT'S DISGUSTING.
GET HER THE HELL OUT OF HERE.
I'M GONNA GO PRAY FOR HER SOUL.
>> WOW, A REAL GROUPIE, JUST
LIKE OTHER ROCK STARS HAVE.
>> DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT,
ALVIN.
IT'S ***.
>> IT'S AGAINST GOD'S PLAN.
>> THEODORE, WE'RE
FOUR-FOOT-HIGH CHIPMUNKS.
WE'RE PROOF THAT GOD IS DEAD.
[ SQUEAK! ]
>> I'M GOING TO WHACK ME OFF A
PIECE OF THAT.
>> I DIDN'T ACTUALLY THINK I'D
GET THIS FAR.
>> LUCKY YOU.
>> YEAH, YOU SMELL DIFFERENT
THAN I THOUGHT.
LIKE, LESS DREAMY AND MORE
GAMEY.
>> OH, WELL, UH, I GUESS WE
DON'T HAVE TO.
>> YEAH. YEAH, WE DO.
I TALKED A BIG GAME IN FRONT OF
MY FRIENDS.
AND [Voice breaking] NOW THIS
HAS TO HAPPEN.
[ SIGHS ]
>> OH, ARE YOU CRYING?
>> [ CRYING ]
I CAN'T FIND YOUR JUNK.
>> OH, HANG ON.
MY GENITALS RETRACT!
[ GRUNTS ]
[ POP! ]
>> OH, GOD. I'M GOING HOME NOW.
>> AWW.
>> HOPE MY FRIENDS DIDN'T GO
HOME WITHOUT ME.
>> YE-E-E-E-S!
THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN
***!
>> AND KENDRA THOUGHT YOU WERE
ANIMATRONIC.
>> NOPE. MUTATED BY RADIATION.
>> YEAH!
>> HIGH FIVE!
>> YEAH!
>> THIS IS MY JAM!
>> Both: AWW.
MOM AND DAD COULDN'T AFFORD OUR
CHRISTMAS PRESENTS BECAUSE THE
PRICE OF GAS IS SO HIGH.
>> BUT I'VE BEEN EXTRA GOOD.
SWEAR I'M GONNA [BLEEP] SOME
[BLEEP] UP NEXT YEAR.
>> DID SOMEBODY SAY "ENERGY
CRISIS"?
>> Both: NOT IN THOSE EXACT
WORDS, CAPTAIN AMERICA.
>> THE HIGH COST OF ENERGY IS
CRIPPLING AMERICA, KIDS.
>> Both: BUT WHAT CAN WE DO?
>> WE CAN LICK THIS PROBLEM IF
WE ALL DO OUR PART TOGETHER.
TURN THE DIAL DOWN TO 68
DEGREES, AND WE'LL USE LESS
HEATING OIL.
>> WE'RE NOT GONNA DO THAT.
MY FEET GET COLD.
>> UH, OKAY. NEXT TIP.
ELECTRONICS STILL USE ENERGY
EVEN WHEN TURNED OFF.
MAKE SURE TO UNPLUG THEM.
>> THAT SOUNDS EXHAUSTING.
>> PASS.
>> UH...
CLOTHES DRYERS ARE 20% OF A
HOME'S ENERGY BILL.
DRY YOUR LAUNDRY OUTDOORS, AND
SAVE POWER.
>> I NEVER WAIT THAT LONG.
>> NOBODY'S GONNA DO THAT.
>> OH, FINE. [BLEEP] YOU THEN.
[ GLASS SHATTERS ]
[ DOG BARKS ]
>> SORRY WE COULDN'T AFFORD
GIFTS THIS YEAR, KIDS.
>> THAT'S OKAY.
IT'S ENOUGH THAT YOU DON'T FORCE
US TO LIVE LIKE A BUNCH OF
BROKE-*** HIPPIES.
>> All: AWW.
>> [ SHIVERING ]
MY FEET ARE [BLEEP] FREEZING.
[ LASSIE BARKS ]
>> LASSIE, WHAT'S WRONG, GIRL?
[ LASSIE BARKS ]
TIMMY FELL -- OH, WRONG VERB?
[ LASSIE BARKS ]
DROPPED...
PUT...
SPREAD...
[ LASSIE BARKS ]
TIMMY SPREAD...PEANUT BUTTER...
[ LASSIE BARKS ]
ON HIS BALLS...AND YOU HAD TO --
OH, I'M SO SORRY, LASSIE.
[ LASSIE WHINES ]
>> LET'S ALL GIVE A ROUND OF
APPLAUSE TO 6-YEAR-OLD
BOSCO ALBERT, WHO'S MAKING OUR
FLIGHT FROM ATLANTA TO L.A. ALL
BY HIMSELF.
[ APPLAUSE ]
ALSO, IT LOOKS LIKE THE
IN-FLIGHT MEAL WAS OVER THREE
WEEKS OLD AND ALMOST CERTAINLY
TEEMING WITH BACTERIA.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
[ GURGLE! ]
>> EXCUSE ME, I NEED TO USE
THE --
>> FAA REGULATIONS REQUIRE THAT
YOU STAY IN YOUR SEAT WITH YOUR
SEATBELT FULLY FASTENED.
>> THIS ISN'T HAPPENING.
I'M NOT GONNA MAKE IT.
GOD FORGIVE ME!
[ FA-A-A-A-RT! ]
>> OH, DEAR, GET OUT OF THE WAY!
[ FA-A-A-A-RT! ]
>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS
IS YOUR CAPTAIN, REMINDING YOU
THAT GETTING OUT OF YOUR SEAT
IS AGAINST F-- AW, WHO AM I
KIDDING?
I'M OUT OF MY SEAT SQUATTING
OVER A COFFEE POT UP HERE,
PEOPLE.
DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO.
[ SCREAMS AND FARTING ]
>> OH, GOD!
[ ALL FARTING ]
[ SPLAT! ]
>> I TOLD YOU BEFORE, I DON'T
GET ON NO DAMN PLANE.
>> OH, WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL,
B.A.?
>> IT'S PERSONAL.
>> ROSEMARY'S HERE TO SHARE SOME
NEWS WITH HER BABY DADDY.
NOW, DOES STAN --
>> IT'S "SATAN."
>> SORRY.
DOES SATAN KNOW WHY HE'S HERE
TODAY?
>> NO, LONNIE, HE HAS NO IDEA.
>> WELL', LET'S BRING HIM OUT.
SATAN.
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU.
>> HI, SATAN, HOW ARE YOU?
>> I'M DOING GREAT, LONNIE,
AMAZING.
I'M HERE WITH MY BEAUTIFUL BABY
MAMA.
>> NOW, SATAN, YOU AND ROSEMARY
HAVE RAISED LITTLE ADRIAN
TOGETHER.
>> HAPPIEST YEARS OF MY LIFE,
LONNIE.
>> BUT WE PERFORMED A PATERNITY
TEST, AND I HAVE THE RESULTS
RIGHT HERE.
>> SAY WHAT?
>> SATAN, YOU...ARE...
NOT THE FATHER.
[ FOOSH! ]
>> HOW COULD YOU?
WHAT AM I GONNA TELL MEE-MAW?!
>> COMING UP...
>> JOSEPH, YOU ARE NOT THE
FATHER OF MARY'S CHILD.
>> AH! I TOLD YOU.
I TOLD YOU THAT'S NOT MY KID.
THAT'S NOT MY KID.
>> LET'S MEET JESUS' REAL
FATHER.
GOD.
[ BOOING ]
>> YEAH. HEY, HEY, HEY.
YOU DON'T KNOW ME.
YOU DON'T KNOW ME.
>> DID YOU JUST CHANGE BACK FROM
A WEREWOLF?
>> YEAH.
>> YOU'VE BEEN LICKING YOUR
BALLS, HAVEN'T YOU?
>> WELL, THEY DON'T LICK
THEMSELVES.
>> OUR KIDS HAVE MADE A
180-DEGREE CHANGE, MS. POPPINS.
HOW DO YOU DO IT?
>> OH, LET'S JUST SAY I HAVE MY
SECRETS.
>> TA-TA!
>> SECRETS?
I DON'T LIKE THE SOUND OF THAT.
>> OH, THANK GOD WE BOUGHT THAT
NANNY CAM.
[ CLINK! ]
>> A SPOONFUL OF SUGAR WILL
HELP THIS GO DOWN.
>> DID WE SAY SHE COULD MEDICATE
THE CHILDREN?
>> [ HUMMING ]
>> DID SHE SAW A HOLE IN MY
TABLE?
>> THIS ROOM IS A MESS.
>> OH, GREAT, AND SHE'S ALSO A
WITCH.
HELLO, POLICE.
[ BLADES WHIRRING ]
>> OH, DEAR.
>> LAND YOUR UMBRELLA!
PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD!
>> NOW, JUST A MINUTE.
>> NOW, ***, NOW!
>> SUCH LANGUAGE.
A SPOONFUL OF SUGAR WILL HELP
THIS GO DOWN.
>> SHE'S GOING FOR A GUN!
[ GUNSHOT ]
>> [ LAUGHS ]
OH, SOMETIMES A WARNING SHOT IS
QUITE POLITE.
AHHHH!
BUT SOMETIMES, YOU GOT TO GROW A
***.
>> AAH!
[ PUMMEL! ] [ CRASH! ]
[ PUNCH! ] [ SMACK! ]
[ BOOM! ]
>> [ Slurring ] HEY, ***.
I GOT SOME WOOD FOR YOU TO PECK
ON.
[ ALL LAUGH ]
>> WOODPECKER!
>> [BLEEP] YOU.
>> THIS SCHOOL PLAY IS SO
BORING.
I WAS LITERALLY DAYDREAMING
ABOUT THAT HORRIBLE DAY I SPENT
FLY-FISHING WITH YOUR BROTHER.
>> SHH!
>> YEAH, BABY, I'M KILLING IT
TONIGHT!
>> THE SEX WE'RE HAVING IS
LITERALLY SO BAD THAT I'M
DAYDREAMING ABOUT THE TIME YOU
TOLD ME ABOUT FLY-FISHING DURING
THAT BORING SCHOOL PLAY.
>> WHAT WERE YOU JUST THINKING,
DEAR?
>> WHAT COULD'VE MADE HIM KILL
HIMSELF?
THINK I FIGURED IT OUT.
>> I'M KNITTING A SWEATER FOR MY
GRANDDAUGHTER.
SHE'S PART OF A HUMAN CENTIPEDE.
>> GENTLEMEN, IF WE PROPERLY
RECONSTRUCTED THIS DNA, WE'RE
ABOUT TO MEET THE FIRST DINOSAUR
TO WALK THE EARTH IN 65 MILLION
YEARS.
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]
[ THUD! ]
[ THUD! ]
[ THUD! ]
>> WOW, RADICAL PLACE YOU GOT
HERE, DUDE.
SHOW ME THE NEAREST HALF-PIPE,
'CAUSE I'M A REBEL WITH A
TOTALLY RUDE 'TUDE.
[ GUNSHOT ]
[ THUNK! ]
>> BURN IT ALL.
BURN IT ALL!
[ UNZIP! ]
>> AHH.
HEY, WHAT'S UP?
>> GATHER 'ROUND, JOES.
OUR ORDERS JUST CAME THOUGH.
>> WHAT'S COBRA UP TO THIS TIME,
DUKE?
>> NO, NOT COBRA.
APPARENTLY WE'RE BEING DEPLOYED
TO AFGHANISTAN.
HMM. OKAY.
YO, JOE?
>> All: YO, JOE!
>> WHO WANTS TO JUMP ON GOOGLE
AND FIND OUT WHAT A "TALIBAN"
IS?
>> OH, OKAY.
>> I WAS CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR
COLORFUL UNIT TRAINING MY MEN,
DUKE, UNTIL I HEARD ABOUT YOUR
EXPERIENCE WITH RUTHLESS
TERRORIST ORGANIZATIONS.
>> YOU CAN COUNT ON G.I. JOE TO
KEEP A LOW PROFILE, COLONEL.
NOW IF YOU COULD JUST POINT ME
TOWARD THE LOCAL PETCO.
SEEMS THE FLIGHT DIDN'T AGREE
WITH OUR EXOTIC BIRDS.
>> POLLY, WATCH THE EYES!
AAH! OW!
>> YOU SIMPLY KNOCK OUT AN
ENEMY, THROW ON HIS CLOTHES, AND
"AHOY, MATEY," YOU'RE
UNDERCOVER.
QUESTIONS ANYONE?
ESTEVEZ?
>> I'M NOT ESTEVEZ, SIR.
I'M HAMMOND.
>> OH, OF COURSE. SORRY.
I MEANT YOU, ESTEVEZ.
>> I'M SANDERSON, SIR.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
IT'S SO HARD TO TELL YOU GUYS
APART WITH YOUR MATCHING
UNIFORMS.
WHERE'S ESTEVEZ?
>> THERE IS NO ESTEVEZ.
[ GUNSHOTS ]
>> SON, YOU SHOOT LIKE THAT IN
THE FIELD, AND YOUR ENEMY COULD
END UP DEAD.
THE IDEA IS TO HERD THEM BACK TO
THE ENEMY LINE, SAFE AND SOUND.
HEY, THIS LASER RIFLE'S LOADED
WITH BULLETS.
[ SCOFFS ]
AMATEUR HOUR, GUYS.
>> INTEL IS SUGGESTING THE
INSURGENTS ARE MASSING HERE,
HERE, AND HERE.
>> 'SCUSE ME, COLONEL, BUT
SHOULDN'T WE BE MORE CONCERNED
WITH THE ENEMY'S WEATHER
DOMINATOR?
IT'S ABOUT A MILLION DEGREES
OUTSIDE.
>> IT'S THE DESERT.
>> WELL, THEN, SOME OTHER KIND
OF DOMINATOR -- SAND DOMINATOR,
MAYBE.
I DON'T KNOW.
JUST SPITBALLING HERE.
>> SIR, THE INSURGENTS ARE
MOVING.
>> ALL RIGHT, SEND OUT A
DIVISION.
>> Y-O-O-O-O JO-O-O-E!
>> [ SIGHS ]
SEND OUT A DIVISION TO...
>> ALL RIGHT, THIS IS IT.
REMEMBER, KEEP YOUR HEADS, AND
EVERYTHING WILL BE JUST --
THEY'RE SHOOTING AT US!
OH, MY GOD, THEY'RE ACTUALLY
SHOOTING AT US!
>> AAH!
>> GET OUT OF THE CHOPPER!
>> AAH! [ SPLAT! ]
>> MOVE, MOVE, MOVE.
>> DOES ANYONE ELSE FEEL LIKE A
*** RIGHT NOW?
[ RAPID GUNFIRE ]
>> YO-O-O-O JOE!
OH, NO!
>> GREAT JOB, TEAM.
THOSE INSURGENTS WON'T KNOW WHAT
HIT THEM.
>> GREAT JOB, TEAM.
THOSE INSURGENTS DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT HIT THEM.
>> ALL RIGHT, TROOPS YOU GOT
THEM NOW.
HERD HIM.
HERD HIM BACK TO THE LINE.
GOOD JOB, TEAM.
HE'LL BE TURNING TAIL ANY
SECOND.
[ BLAM! ]
>> OH, IT'S A [BLEEP] MEAT
GRINDER.
WHO WILL PROTECT THE WORLD FROM
COBRA AFTER WE'VE YO'd OUR LAST
JOE?
>> [ LAUGHS ]
LOOK AT THOSE FOOLS.
I KNEW THE JOES COULDN'T HANDLE
THE RIGORS OF ACTUAL COMBAT.
[ EXPLOSIONS, GUNFIRE ]
WHAT THE [BLEEP] WAS THAT?
>> WE'RE IN THERE!
GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!
>> WHAT THE [BLEEP]
***, PROTECT YOUR COMMANDER.
YOU WIN THIS DAY, SEAL TEAM 6.
BUT NEXT TIME.
[ GUNSHOT ]
>> GOOD JOB, EVERY--
>> [ FARTS ]
>> GOOD JOB, GOOD --
>> [ FARTING ]
>> GOOD JOB, EVERYONE.
>> ♪ BA-BOCK, BOCK, BOCK ♪
♪ BA-BOCK, BOCK, BOCK ♪
♪ BA-BOCK, BOCK, BOCK-A BOCK-A ♪
♪ BOCK, BOCK, BOCK ♪
>> ♪ BA-BOCK, BOCK, BOCK ♪
♪ BA-BOCK, BOCK, BOCK ♪
♪ BA-BOCK, BOCK, BOCK-A BOCK-A ♪
♪ BOCK, BOCK, BOCK ♪
>> ♪ BA-BOCK, BOCK, BOCK ♪
♪ BA-BOCK, BOCK, BOCK ♪
♪ BA-BOCK, BOCK, BOCK-A BOCK-A ♪
♪ BOCK, BOCK, BOCK ♪
>> BA-BOCK!
>> BOCK.
[ SPLASH! ]