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>>MS. JONES, WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH MY CLIENT?
>>WE'VE BEEN DATING FOR ABOUT A YEAR NOW. >>AND IN ALL THAT TIME DID HE EVER EXHIBIT
A VIOLENT SIDE OF HIMSELF?
>>OH, NO! IN FACT WHEN I HEARD HE WAS ON TRIAL FOR ASSAULT
I ACTUALLY LAUGHED. >>HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE HIM?
>>UH, VERY KIND, GENTLE, ALMOST WEAK. I WOULD SAY HE IS A PARTICULARLY WEAK MAN.
>>WEAK YOU SAY? >>OH YEAH.
WEAK, FRAIL, YOU KNOW, LIKE A PIECE OF DRIED STRAW OR A KITTEN WITH
BRITTLE BONES AND POOR EYESIGHT.
>>SO HE WOULDN'T HURT A FLY. I DON'T KNOW THAT I WOULD SAY WOULDN'T,
I'D PROBABLY SAY COULDN'T. HE COULD NOT HURT A FLY BECAUSE OF HIS PHYSICAL
WEAKNESS. >>SO WHAT YOU'RE ACTUALLY SAYING IS THAT
MY CLIENT IS LITERALLY INCAPABLE OF COMMITTING THIS
CRIME. >>YES, OR ANY SPORT OR ANY OTHER ACTIVITY
YOU MIGHT CONSIDER MANLY.
>>UH, OBJECTION. >>ON WHAT GROUNDS?
>>I'M NOT SURE THE WITNESS IS BEING COMPLETELY HONEST.
>>MATT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THIS IS GREAT.
SHE'S PROVING YOUR INNOCENCE. >>YEAH, BUT NOBODY BELIEVES HER RIGHT?
I MEAN, THEY KNOW SHE'S EXAGGERATING DON'T THEY?
>>TRUST ME. JUST SIT THERE AND LET ME DO MY JOB AND BY
THE END OF THE DAY YOU'LL BE A FREE MAN.
>>FINE. NO OBJECTIONS YOUR HONOR.
>>I'D KNEW YOU'D CAVE. >>WHAT?
>>I SAID I'D KNEW YOU'D CAVE. YOU GOT NO BACKBONE SON.
YOU JUST GOING TO SIT THERE AND TAKE IT. YOU'RE LIKE A SAD FLOWER.
>>I DON'T THINK IT'S APPROPRIATE FOR YOU TO BE--
>>MATT, DON'T TALK BACK TO THE JUDGE. IT MAKES YOU LOOK AGGRESSIVE.
>>BUT HE JUST-- >>JUST SIT THERE AND BE QUIET. >>FINE.
[COUGHING] >>YOU'RE A WIMP. >>MS.JONES, ON THE NIGHT OF ASSAULT YOU
AND MY CLIENT WERE ON A DATE, IS THAT CORRECT? >>YES.
I WANTED TO GO TO THE MOVIES, BUT HE WANTED TO UPDATE
HIS PINTEREST BOARD. >>WOW.
HE IS SUCH A GIRL. >>OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S IT. I CAN DO THINGS.
OKAY EVERYONE? I WORK OUT.
WE GO TO THE GYM ALL THE TIME. TELL THEM MAL.
>>IT'S TRUE. YOU SHOULD SEE HIM LIFT WEIGHTS.
IT'S LIKE WATCHING A BABY HORSE TRY TO STAND FOR THE FIRST TIME.
>>THAT'S IT. THAN HOW CAN I DO THIS?
IS THIS TABLE BOLTED? IT'S BOLTED TO THE GROUND EVERYONE.
CONFIRMATION. LET THE RECORD SHOW THAT THE TABLE WAS BOLTED.
DEFENDANT SHRIEKED LIKE A WOMAN? I DO NOT SHRIEK.
[SHRIEK] THAT'S A SOLID CHAIR. >>CASE DISMISSED.
YOU AND THE LITTLE LADY CAN GO HOME. >>THANK YOU YOUR HONOR.
>>I WAS TALKING TO HER. >>OH.
THAT'S IT. I DID IT OKAY?
CONFESSION! MAYBE NOW YOU'LL SEE THAT I AM NOT A MAN
TO BE TRIFLED WITH. >>DID YOU JUST SAY YOU'RE NOT A MAN?
[LAUGHTER] >>IN THE CONTEXT-- >>CASE DISMISSED.
>>NO, YOUR HONOR. BUT I REALLY AM GUILTY.
>>SURE YOU ARE SWEETIE. LET'S JUST GET YOU HOME OKAY?
>>I HURT MY FOOT. >>I KNOW.
OKAY LET'S GO. >>YOU JUST GRABBED MY ARM REALLY HARD.