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In the name of God
My name is Mohammad Ali Abtahi
A cleric who used to write weblogs
and it was all against Islam
and revolution and people
and esteemed president
For a while I was the vice president
and office secretary of ex-president
Khatami and to this day I am not sure
if that record is considered part of my service
or if it's part of my treason records
an official from C.I.A. contacted me
he offered me the velvet revolution
at the time I was the vice president
so I asked him: what do I get in return?
he told me that if I do the revolution right
I will make you a deputy minister
I told him I am already the vice president
but when I returned to Iran
there was no possibility for a velvet revolution
because I was the vice president
I couldn't make a revolution against myself
until recently when the election came up
I asked Mr. Khatami:
why don't you make a velvet revolution?
He said something that I will never forgive him for
I will wait until judgement day to ask him about it
He said: we will win the election anyway!
why should we do a velvet revolution?
I said to him: why not? we could do both
we will both win the election and do velvet revolution
He didn't agree
I said good-bye to him
Then I went to Mr. Mousavi
I found him painting a picture
I told him let's do a velvet revolution
He said: no way!
I finally decided to talk to Mr. Karroubi
to make a velvet revolution
and this is the type of velvet we found in the bazaar
it was green velvet
we went and bought some green velvet
Mr. Karroubi put a couple on his shoulders
I have weight problems so I couldn't carry them
on the surface I was in his campaign center
and didn't have anything to do with the green movement
and the green trouble-makers
I was the leader of the whole green movement
I would usually quietly enter from the back door
to Mr. Mousavi's campaign center
and used fake names on the internet
like Saeed, Nazanin, Safora, etc.
and we advertised green trouble-makers
I hope God will forgive us
and I told Mr. Karroubi
let's make our own "karbasi revoloution"
I am so embarrased in front of Iranian people
in my trips abroad I have had affairs
in a trip to Paris I was introduced to a lady
named Angelina Jolie whose husband was a geek
and to the people and my wife
I want to apologize to her and her husband
I got to know a lady named Marilyn Monroe...
and I had an affair with Mrs. Sophia Lauren
I had affairs with Mrs. Johansson
and she introduced me to a lady named Carla Bruni
and I had an affair with her for a while
but Carla would not let go of me
and she wanted to marry me
but at the end Mr. Khatami asked Mr. Sarkozi
to marry her so we could be free again
I really embarrased in front of great people of Iran
I apologize to Mr. Ahmadinejad our esteemed president
and the leadership and the martyrs
even the ones who are alive
for starting the green revolution
and we subverted so many people
I ask that I receive maximum punishment
and I sincerely hope that Mr. Ahmadinejad
wins in every election with 80% of votes
or maybe even more...150% of votes
and I would like to thank all personnel
the interrogators, the judges, the Basij who beat us up
and presiden'ts deputies who put all their efforts to arrest us
and I wish all my brothers well
one of our Basiji brothers warned me that
that on Beirut beaches I was seen with short pants
and they told me that this was against
for Iran's national security
although I must say that I usually don't wear short pants
my mom saws my short pants
one time I was wearing a hat in London
and I repent that
if there is anything more, I repent that too
and I apologize to all people of Iran