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TEACHER: That was very nice, Mindy.
Okay.
Jake, we're ready to hear your report.
Jake?
Just a sec.
Now, Jake.
Okay, okay...
Does spelling and grammar count?
It's an oral report, Jake.
Oh, so it's like an oral thermometer?
Right.
Good thing it's not a *** report.
Just read it.
"My Weekend, by Jake Harper.
"Grade five, Mrs. Flanigan's class.
"Woodward Avenue Elementary School,
located on Woodward Avenue."
I'm not counting words.
Oh, good.
"My weekend starts on Friday
"when my mom takes me to my dad's house
"which is actually my Uncle Charlie's house,
"who is my dad's brother,
"making him my uncle.
"His name is Charlie, which is why
I call him my Uncle Charlie."
Anyway...
"Even though my parents are divorced,
they still get along pretty good."
Hey, Dad.
Just fine.
Bye, Mom.
Oh, bite me, Alan.
What the hell went on here last weekend?
What are you talking about?
When I brought him home Sunday night
and served him dinner, he tipped me
with a $25 chip from Caesar's Palace
and told me I had a nice rack.
Uh, well, Judith...
You do.
That's not the point.
Where did he get the chip?
Where is he learning this behavior?
Hey, Judith.
Looking good.
( under his breath ): Run away, run away.
Did you give my son a $25 chip?
Happy?
He won it fair and square.
You couldn't run away.
Oh, I don't care what you do during the week,
but on the weekends, you need
to remember you are
a role model for an 11-year-old boy.
Oh, that's a bad idea. Who thought of that?
I'm warning you, Alan,
things had better change around here
or there will be serious consequences.
Legal consequences. Got it?
Got it.
Good-bye.
( mocking ): There will be serious consequences.
Legal consequences.
( mocking ): I don't care what you do during the week,
but on the weekends, you're a role model.
( same mocking voice ): I enjoy talking this way.
( mocking voice ): As do I.
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men... ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh... ♪
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
♪ Men. ♪
"Friday night, I stayed up late.
"I watched all three Austin Powers movies with my dad.
"We ate Chinese food and buffalo wings.
"Dad fell asleep during The Spy Who Shagged Me,
which in my opinion is the strongest of the trilogy."
By the way, "shagged" means sex in England.
Just read, Jake.
That was a footnote.
Read.
Okay. "I woke up later that night with a stomachache,
but felt better after I sat down and went to the bathroom."
If you know what I mean.
( children laughing )
Jake...
What? It's not like I said, "I took a dump."
"Anyway, I tried to go back to sleep,
"but I couldn't.
"Probably 'cause I was thirsty.
"So I went into the kitchen
"for what Uncle Charlie calls a '*** screwdriver.'
"Really it's just a glass of orange juice.
"It was late, so I decided to skip the glass.
( Jake belches loudly )
Jake?
Hang on.
( belches )
Whoa, that one hurt a little.
Watcha doing?
Having a *** screwdriver. Want some?
What are you doing?
Um... watching TV.
Why isn't it on?
'Cause I've seen this one already.
Hey, you want to hear a funny joke?
Sure.
Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice?
I don't know. Why?
"'Cause the carton said 'concentrate.'"
That's okay, I didn't get it, either.
"The next morning, I was pretty hungry because..."
I think you all know why.
"So I had a bowl of cereal with my dad,
and we made plans for the day."
Want to go to the museum?
No, I want to watch TV.
It's pretty windy out there.
Want to fly a kite?
No, I want to watch TV.
TV.
( doorbell rings )
TV.
"We decided to watch TV."
Hello.
Is your name Harper?
Yes.
Then this is for you.
Oh!
Why'd you do that?
Why did you sleep with my wife?
Charlie?
CHARLIE: Busy!
I don't care. Open the door.
I've got company.
I know.
And her husband's downstairs.
Really?
You're married?
WOMAN: Yeah.
I'm not in.
You have to come downstairs and deal with him.
Yes, you do.
I disagree.
It's not up for debate; he knows you're up here.
Oh man, I hate when this happens.
This happens a lot?
Not a lot, but enough to be a drag.
WOMAN: Charlie, are you coming back to bed?
Yes.
"Yes"? No "yes."
There's an angry husband in your living room.
How angry?
Is he packing?
What?!
Does he have a weapon?
He has a stick.
Oh, that's not good-- I could lose an eye.
Charlie! Come on!
Fine, I'll wrap it up here.
Give me 20 minutes.
Oh, no, I have a better idea: wrap it up now.
Now!
We got five minutes.
"The weekend was going great,
but then something really bad happened."
Hey.
Hello.
Who are you?
I'm Norman.
I'm Jake.
Have you seen my Game Boy?
No. Have you seen my wife?
No. Well, if you see it, let me know.
Ditto.
"I couldn't believe it.
I lost my Game Boy."
( sympathetic groans )
♪ Men... ♪
"I couldn't find my Game Boy in the kitchen
"or the living room, so I checked
my bedroom and even my bathroom."
Because, as you may recall,
I had spent a lot of time there the night before.
He'll be right down.
Thank you.
Can I get you a cup of coffee?
Decaf. I'm already pretty enraged.
Well, uh, that's certainly understandable.
I have cookies, too.
I wouldn't say no to a cookie.
Good. Come on in the kitchen.
I always find a nice cookie can brighten up
even the darkest day.
Yeah, well, this better be one hell of a cookie.
It's a nice house you got here.
Thank you. Actually, it belongs to my...
Do you live in the neighborhood?
Bel Air.
Oh? Oh, that's nice, too.
Gated community, but the wife gets out anyway.
Chews through her leash, huh?
Hey, let me get you that cookie.
You seem like a nice fella.
I'm sorry I hit you with my stick.
Oh, that's okay. I'm sorry my brother is...
That's okay.
So... women, huh?
Can't live with 'em...
That's all I got.
You married?
Divorced.
She sleep around?
No, mostly just slept.
You're lucky.
There's no pain greater than being betrayed
by the woman you love.
You know, these are really very tasty.
Aren't they?
Morning.
Oh, speaking of tasty cookies.
Norman, this is Berta.
Hello.
What is this, a fix-up?
No, no, uh, nothing like that.
That's good, 'cause I'd probably kill him.
Nothing personal, Cotton Top,
I just kind of like it rough.
Have another cookie.
Thank you.
So is anybody gonna tell me what's going on?
Well, it's a little complicated.
Got it.
Got it?
How could you get it?
There's a Rolls Royce in the driveway,
and I found these hanging on the mailbox.
So I'm guessing
that your brother's got some *** upstairs
and Norman here is her daddy or her sugar daddy.
Tell me I'm wrong.
I'm the husband.
Judges?
You gotta give it to her.
Yes!
I mean, tough break.
Thank you.
You got a gun?
No.
Want one?
Berta!
I'm making small talk.
Okay...
do you want to talk this out like gentlemen or...
Oh.
You might've mentioned he fought at the Alamo.
No offense.
None taken.
Ow!
Does that make us even?
You tell me.
Okay, one more.
Ow!
How about that?
He poked you, you poked...
Berta!
What? How often do you see that kind of symmetry in life?
Hey.
Hello.
Were you just up in Uncle Charlie's room?
Um, yeah.
No.
Did you see my husband?
Yeah.
He's in the kitchen.
Thanks.
That's weird.
If I was a Game Boy, where would I be?
I'm so sorry.
I had no idea that she was married.
Believe me, I have a firm rule
when it comes to sleeping with married women.
Yeah, if she's firm enough, he'll do her.
I'm sorry, isn't there something around here
you could be cleaning?
I'm guessing you could use a good scrubbing.
Wait a minute.
"And suddenly I realized...
I might have left it in my mom's car."
Hey, Mom, did I leave my Game Boy in your car?
Well, can you go look?
Can't you just dry off and put on a robe?
There's another $25 chip in it for you.
She wasn't wearing a ring
and there was no mention of a husband.
Is that's supposed to cheer me up?
No, no, no, I just wanted you to know...
No, I get it.
You're a nice guy, and I married a skeevy ***.
No, no, no.
I mean, I am a nice guy,
but I'm sure Annette is a lovely woman.
Her name is Natalie.
Really? You sure?
Yes, I'm sure.
'Cause I've been yelling "Annette" all night.
Her name is Natalie.
Well then, maybe this is all just a huge misunderstanding,
and I've been upstairs doing someone else's wife.
Five foot six, long brown hair,
butterfly tattoo on her left hip.
Left hip, huh?
Well, hold on now, a lot of women have butterfly tattoos.
But the one I slept with
also has a little beauty mark
in a certain intimate place...
I'm not here to claim a lost wallet.
Okay, let's assume it's her.
Again, I am really sorry.
It's my own fault anyway.
I should have realized back when I married her
a man my age couldn't satisfy a woman that young.
If it makes you feel any better, I couldn't ring her bell either.
You're kidding.
You don't know me,
but there's certain things I don't kid about.
So it's not just me?
That's a relief.
Tell me about it.
I was killing myself up there.
So anyway, are we okay?
You mean aside from the fact
that you just rolled off my wife?
Oh, yeah, we're aces.
Good. Thank you.
Can I give you a little advice, kid?
Sure.
I was a player once, like you.
Do tell.
Does the name Tuesday Weld mean anything to you?
No.
Joey Heatherton?
No.
The immortal Miss Anne Francis?
TV's Honey West?
Sorry.
Well, look 'em up on your Internet.
They were all hot, and I nailed 'em.
Really?
Well, kudos.
But nothing lasts forever.
There's gonna come a time when you'll want to settle down.
I only hope you don't make the same mistake I did.
I picked a young hottie 'cause I figured
I'd die in the sack with a smile on my face.
That's my retirement plan.
But it doesn't work that way.
What happens is...
you get your heart broken,
and you wind up having a coffee klatch
with some putz who never heard of Honey West.
Got it.
Thanks for the advice.
Yeah, well, I'll be getting home now.
I've got lawyers to call,
locks to change...
Maybe I'll stop off at the market,
pick up some of these cookies.
Please, take the box.
Thanks.
Looks like I'm the big winner around here today.
Hello?
Anybody home?
Hello.
Hello, who are you?
Norman.
Oh, hello, Norman.
I'm Evelyn.
Is that your magnificent Rolls Royce out in the drive?
Why, yes, it is.
Are you a friend of Charlie's?
No, but my wife is.
Did my son polish your trophy wife?
Well, you seem like a very intelligent man.
I assume you had an airtight prenup.
Bulletproof.
You know what, Norman?
You look a lot like my fifth husband.
Really?
How many times have you been married?
Four.
Cookie?
"When Grandma came over,
"I thought things couldn't get any worse.
"But instead of making me visit with her,
"she gave my dad money
"to take me, Uncle Charlie and Berta to the movies.
"We saw the Rob Schneider movie where he plays a stupid guy.
"I had popcorn, nachos and two jumbo red Slurpees.
And as you know, you don't buy Slurpees, you rent them."
Hurry up, hurry up.
Cool your jets.
And if you can't cool 'em,
point the nozzle away from me.
Oh, God! Mom!
We can't go in there right now.
Why not?
I can't afford to send you to therapy
for the rest of your life.
What's going on?
Oh, God!
What? What? What? What? What? What?
Good for Norman.
That's getting right back on the horse.
There's a horse in there?
No. No horse.
Well, I still have to pee.
So go water that bush over there.
"And so I did.
"And it just goes to show...
it's always in the last place you look."
Very nice, Jake.
"Then on Sunday, we all went
"out for breakfast with Grandma and Uncle Norman.
"I had chocolate chip pancakes with blueberry syrup and bacon.
"Dad had scrambled eggs
"but no yolks, just the whites.
"They looked like mashed potatoes.
"Then the kid next to us threw up his waffles.
It was awesome."
So, what's new in school?
I almost got an "A" on my paper.
What do you mean "almost"?
I got a "C."
Oh, okay, that's fine.
That's an improvement.
Minus.
Still, here's your dollar.
You're paying him for a C-minus?
That was our deal-- a buck for every "C,"
a car for every "A."
A car?
Safest bet in the world.
So what was the report about?
What we did last weekend.
No kidding.
Yeah. Guess what else happened?
Trevor Griffin saw a gi-normous rat in the cafeteria.
Yeah, yeah, y-yeah, but about the paper...
you wrote about everything that happened here last weekend?
Well, everything but the boring stuff.
Oh, this could be problematic.
No, it's called "summarizing."
Um... can I see it?
Sure. But it's at Mom's house.
I gave it to her to read this weekend.
He's 11.
There's no way it stands up in court.
Does this smell funny to you?