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Hello, and welcome to No, You Shut Up! the current events program that brings you perspectives
other shows can't, don't, or won't. I'm your host Paul F. Tompkins. On this week's
show, Saturday Night Live's Bobby Moynihan takes a pregnancy test. How is this possible?
And Time columnist Joel Stein gets a birthday pickle.
This is No, You Shut Up! We begin tonight with our continuing election
coverage. As a host, I try to remain neutral on political issues, but I can't say that
for our opinionated pundits. Joining us for this week's Shut Up the Vote segment, Ned Cooper
the Science Grouper. Congressman Oliver Pouch. Revered document, the Constitution. Take it
away guys. Thanks, Paul. It is with a heavy heart that
we say goodbye to my colleague, John Ellis "Jeb" Bush, after he finished a distant 4th
in the South Carolina primary. But the people of Iowa and New Hampshire and
South Carolina have spoken, and I really respect their decision. So tonight, I am suspending
my campaign. Yeah, yuh. Heh, well I guess when you spend 368 dollars
per vote, you run out of money to pay people to clap.
PLEASE CLAP I'll tell you what's tragic. This over-entitled
poo was given 130 million dollars in campaign contributions and barely made it through three
primaries! That's a lot of money to spend to have a giant angry carrot call you a loser
for three months. Oh, run out of your allowance, son? Well,
I guess it's back to the old floppy Bush teet for Jeb. That sounded like a metaphor, but
I assure you it is not! Good stuff. What's next?
Well, on a lighter note, earlier this week President Obama received a visit from Virginia
McLaurin, a 106 year old lady! And it gave the Internet alll the feels.
That is just wonderful. I know, right? Yeah, it's the perfect symbol for the Obama
Presidency: On its last legs. Hehheheh Hey! This guy's a *bleep*hole!
Not cool, Pouch! Not cool at all. What? What?
Thanks, team! Great stuff. I'll see you in the office breakroom, where we all go to eat
snacks. Our next guest plays himself on a TV show
called Saturday Night Live. It airs Saturdays at night, and I assume it's live. You can
also hear his voice acting in the upcoming "The Secret Life of Pets". NYSU welcomes Bobby
Moynihan. Bobby, thank you for being here. Thank you
for having me and drawing that out a little bit.
Do you prefer Bobby or Robert? I prefer Bobby, if you call me Robert I won't answer.
What about Bob? That's a great film.
Robbie? Never heard of it.
Rob? Okay.
Burt. That's not my name.
Bobby, SNL, Saturday Night Live, it's really taking on the election this year, what are
some of the buzzwords you're hearing related to the election season?
President. Presidents. Um, Teb Cruz was a thing we were trying to start.
Teb Cruz, with a B? Yeah, just to be mean to him. Comin' to get
him. Speaking of the election, SNL is known for
doing these impressions. Do you have a Trump impression? People love to imitate this guy!
I don't know if people know this about me, but I do a pretty amazing Donald.
Would you like to debut it right here on the No, You Shut Up! cameras?
Wow, yeah, I would love to. Okay, ready? Yes.
Eeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyuuu I was just warmin' up.
Oh, okay. All right now I feel ready.
Hey everybodyyyyy, Donald Trumpyyyy Bobby there's certainly a lot of funny
hahas that are being made about politics these days, but this is a very important
election, and one we should not take lightly. I know. That is why me and some of my sad
actor friends have put together a series of instructional scenes that we perform
at elementary schools, and, um, campgrounds, public bathrooms, um, and, um.. more.
Well Bobby I would love to see this. Can we see it? Let's see it. Seeing it would be
so great. Bobby, please let us see it! Well, get
ready to...HEY HOT DOG! HEY-O! Hahaha Yeah! B-Bobby Moy-nahoins! Are you ready to
kick young voter apathy in the XboxOne? Time for a teachable moment.
Hey Hot Dog! Hey. It's election day! Did you get a chance to cast a vote at your local
gym or church? Nah. I've got lots of homework to do, six
Snapchats to watch, plus Pokemon. Ah, those are all awesome reasons not to vote, but did
you know that if you don't vote you're losing the chance to speak up for the causes
that are important to you, like immigration and health care- or Instagram.
The point is, voting isn't your right, it's your civic duty. And its cool, like basketball!
Dribble down the court of life. Pass it, pivot, alley oop. Voting is a pass, voting is a shot,
voting is a basketball. Slam dunk! Slam Dunk! Basketball! Nice work you two! That really
made me feel like voting is cool like basketball. The point is to get young Americans to think
voting is cool and that's why there is another voting is basketball message that is just
as important. Well then, let's run that old pick and
roll! What's that? It's a basketball term that means..
Oh hey, Hot Dog! Did you get a chance to cast your vote today like we discussed? You bet
I did! That pep talk made me realize how important voting
is so I voted 18 times! Woah, that's awesome, but I don't think you're allowed to vote more
than once. Sure you are! All I had to do was steal a
bunch of identities of dead people that I found on the internet.
Wow! That sounds fun! I wanna' vote like a hundred times! Well, there's no shortage of
dead people. Let's do it! Yeah! Voting is a pass, voting is a shot, voting
is a basketball. Slam dunk! Slam Dunk! But guys, I think it's worth saying
that you might be sending the wrong message with that. No, we know Paul, duh. We're not
finished. Oh, okay! Sorry a bit of a pump fake there, huh?
What the hell are you talking about? It's a basketball term..
Woohoo, chow time! nom nom nom nom nom nom nom prison ain't so bad! You're right, jail
is pretty cool but I still can't believe that voter fraud is punishable by five years in
the State Penitentiary. Yeah, and a
bummer about being in prison is, you can't vote.
That's right. Felons lose that right. Just another aspect of our criminal justice system
that may need further reform. But hey, at least we still have BASKETBALL!
Dribble down the court of life. Pass it, pivot, alley oop. Voting is a pass, voting is a shot,
voting is a basketball. Slam dunk! Bobby, thank you. Although I knew prisoners
aren't allowed to vote, I did not know that prison ain't so bad. Yeah.
More when No, You Shut Up! returns. From downtown... OHHH!!
Pretty close. What a loser. Basketball! Okay, okay, I'll see you later Internet.
Welcome back! Our next guest is an author, a journalist, and a frequent contributor to
Time, Bloomberg Business week, and GQ. All large and very fancy publications. Welcome,
Joel Stein. Joel. Thanks for having me.
Joel, you recently had the chance to spend some time with Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders.
Was it business or pleasure? Oh, everything Bernie Sanders does is business.
There's no pleasure in that man's life. He's very focused.
I've never met someone so dedicated to just one thing, which is wealth inequality. He
has no other real interests. Did you try to get him to talk about other
interests and he would not sway? I did! He would claim that he liked other
things, but he quickly made them about wealth inequality.
Let's do a roleplay, I'll be you, and you be Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders.
Sounds like it would be easier if I were me, but okay.
Yes, but you've had the experience of being with Senator Sanders.
And you've had the experience of being with me.
Yeah. So like, y'know, don't be a *** about it.
I understand. Senator Sanders. Uh, what music do you like?
I like, uh, many kinds of music, um, some are performed by large choirs full of people
in countries that do not have as much money as they should-
It quickly goes to there. Right. Your parts seem like more fun, so,
now you be you and then I'll be Bernie Sanders. So, when you're not working on wealth inequality
do you like sports, do you like food, what are you interested in?
Uh, I enjoy the sport of, uh, making sure that people have wealth equality and there
shouldn't be the 1% uh, be uh the- whew. I ran outta' steam there. Yeah.
Joel, I know a question that's on the minds of a lot of our viewers is do you find that
spending longer periods of time with the subjects of your interviews gets you better scoops?
Oh, for sure. You have to develop a rapport with people and then they open up in a way
they might not normally. Because you develop like a comfort level with them.
I mean, we here at NYSU!, we have our own in-depth interviewer, Judy Goodstuff.
Thank you, Paul. It's a pleasure to be here. And now, back to you.
Okay. And it's my understanding that Judy spent some interview talky time with you earlier
today. Judy, time to file your report on Joel.
Thank you, Paul. It doesn't take a Hercule Poirot to uncover
the fact that this man is more than just a quick mind, good looks, and low testosterone.
That's true, I do have low testosterone, how did you know that?
Nice reporting, Judy. As I talked about the many things Joel had
done with his life, I began to wonder, what had I done with mine?
How different would my life be if I were Mrs. Judy Goodstuff hyphen Stein? How would it
feel for him to caress my cheek in the morning, bring me a glass of chablis after a hard day's
night, and whisper my name whilst in the passionate throws of coitus.. Judy.. Judy.. Judy
Judy, I'll have to stop you there for a technical issue. It seems we can actually hear your
internal monologue. You certainly can.
Judy, thanks for that report. Somewhere in the middle of that peek into your secret soul,
you gave us a pretty good peek-let at who Joel Stein might actually be.
The National Football League recently approved a plan to bring the Saint Louis Rams back
to Los Angeles beginning in the 2016 season, and as part of this deal, the team plans on
building a state of the art football stadium in the neighborhood of Inglewood. Joining
me now is NYSU's brand new field correspondent, Rhea Butcher.
Rhea, thanks for being here. Oh, thanks so much for having me here Paul,
but uh, I work here now, so I kinda have to be here.
Hahaha According to what you guys wrote for me, big
fancy stadiums may be great for fans, but they're not always great for the people who
live around them. So I took an Uber down to the Fabulous Forum,
right next to where the stadium is going to be built. There I tried to find locals who
were no doubt furious about the Rams coming to town.
So what's got you angry about football coming back to Los Angeles?
Um, nothing! Well, for me it's good!
So what do you think the, uh, football team's going to do for the neighborhood, for Inglewood?
Increase the population be it tourist-wise, or people just want to live by it.
I'm happy that they are coming here instead of Carson. Boom!
Where was the outrage? It was like these people didn't realize that this entire stadium was
going to be coming directly out of their tax-paying pockets.
Bomp bomp! Bomp bomp! Perfect.
So I sat down with UCLA Professor of Urban Planning, Anastasia Loukaitou-Sideris so she
could tell me exactly what I wanted to hear. So, isn't it true that the tax exempt municipal
bonds typically used for these privately held stadiums invariably leave their taxpayers
holding the bag for millions and millions of dollars in lost revenue?
This is true, but not for this case. My understanding is that it's all going to be private money.
No bonds. What? Really? Okay, well if the Professor
didn't want to play ball then maybe this guy, Christopher Hawthorne would. He wrote an article
in the LA Times that I didn't really read. I sure liked the headline!
Won't the property values of the surrounding homes be adversely affected?
I think the question is, does a wave of gentrification come to the rest of Inglewood, and that can
be good and bad. Wait a minute, did he say gentrification?
I'm a white lesbian somewhere in her 30's. Gentrifying is totally our thing. We're like
the Lewis and Clark of turning discount tire shops into boutique hotels for dogs. I needed
to get in on Inglewood. So you're saying that property values could
go up. Is now a good time to buy? Stadium or stadium adjacent?
If it becomes a place where displacement and gentrification is really rampant, um, then
there's a question about what happens to it as a kind of center for African American political
culture and power. So there's a lot of concern about that I think, in the city.
So stadium adjacent. Perfect. Not only was I wrong about this stadium, I
was close to missing the boat on gentrifying a new neighborhood. Thankfully, my sister's
friend's cousin's neighbor, Meredith Johnson, was a realtor, and she let me check out a
house nearby. I'll take it.
As a new resident of Inglewood, I was really excited about living near the stadium. I couldn't
wait to start meeting wealthy NFL football players at my local cold press juicery.
Both of which would be moving in any day now. Thankfully, my sister's friend's cousin's
other neighbor was retired NFL player Kerry Rhodes. He'll make me feel good about maybe
buying that house too quickly! What do you think it's going to do to the
neighborhood of Inglewood? This team moving in?
It'll bring some of the excitement back to the area and, and, bring some, y'know, bring
some well-needed revenue to the area also. So the players will probably all live in Inglewood,
right? Probably not, no.
No? No, no, probably not. They'll just, they'll
probably, uh, they'll probably commute. So if the players don't want to live there,
should I? As this elite athlete went on and on about football, all I could think about
was that house. ..in NFC West, in the division they play in,
I mean they have San Fran, and Seattle, and Arizona, which are all tough...
It was time to get back to the studio and file this report. And now I'll thank Kerry
Rhodes in my inner monologue. Thanks, Kerry Rhodes!
Ah, thanks for having me. You're welcome.
Delightful. Congrats, Rhea. Your first report gets an A+! And a star! And an ice cream cone!
Coming up, more of the rest of the show. It smells weird. Oh, it's not one of those
kinds, it's just regular. ONE HUNDRED! Welcome back! It's now time for
our panel discussion. Tonight's topic: Oil. If you've filled up your motor vehicle or
gas-powered hoverboard recently, you likely noticed historically low prices at the pump.
We now welcome edu-tainer Ned Cooper the Science Grouper.
Ned. Gas. Why is it so cheap, and should we seize on this moment to fund cleaner energies?
Well Paul, yes, yes! We should seize this moment, uh, thanks to newfound oil extraction
processes like fracking, which by the way are terrible for the environment, what we
should do is spend more money on windmills and solar panels so we could stop the fracking,
but instead Americans are going out and buying more Humvees and going to Monster Truck Rallies.
Mm. Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. Paul, it is our Constitutional right to take
energy out of the ground. You can talk all you want about Global Warming, but there's
no warmer feeling in the world than the feeling I get when the oil lobby wires a million bucks
into my super PAC! Hahaha! Drill it, frack it, suck it! Ha!
Judy Goodstuff, what's the word on cheap gas? Thank you, Paul. The US is gaga for gasoline.
And who doesn't enjoy a good bargain? Everybody loves oil, maybe even more than everybody
loves Raymond. But that's just me, I'm Judy Goodstuff.
It's not just you, Judy, it's everybody. Critics point to emissions as a major cause
for concern when it comes to fossil fuels. Critics include actor Leonardo DiCaprio, who
said this at the Davos Conference: We simply cannot afford to allow the corporate
greed of the coal, oil, and gas industries to determine the future of humanity.
ooh, I don't like this Leonardo. Uttering all this bull-dooey about how evil the oil
companies are. Is big oil trying to kill you, sweet little prince? I go to Davos to unwind
and buy collectible Nazi silverware. I don't need the star of "Critters 3" lecturing me.
Shut up and look pretty, Leo! Well at a certain point, it's not about blame,
it's about finding a way to fix the problem. And oil consumption is the real problem with
disastrous environmental consequences. Almost as disastrous as my dating life. Haha!
Oh brother. I probably shouldn't do jokes. Not good. It's not good.
Now, there are alternatives to oil, gas, and coal, including cleaner energies like wind
and solar. A particularly fantastical proposal in the clean energy game is Elon Musk's fabled
"hyper loop". Are people like Elon Musk paving our way to
a brighter, oil-free future? Or are those new transportation alternatives just so much
science fiction? Hyper looooop
Ned, are you all right? Hyper loooop
Ned, are you excited about the hyper loop? Oh Paul, this is the kind of science that
gets me really jazzed! The hyper loop is a groundbreaking piece of modern engineering
that would change the way we travel. Hyper loooop!
Elon Musk! Are you kiddin' me? Look at that guy! He's one wheelchair and a lap cat away
from being a freakin' Bond villain! Elon Musk is a freakin' genius! He's mastered
space flight. He's mastered the Internet. He's creating clean cars everywhere.
Oh give me a break! Give me a break! He's no Papa John Schnatter. Now there's an entrepreneur.
That guy gives you free garlic sauce and he's anti-Obamacare!
You know why it's free? Because it's GMO crap! It's garbage food!
I don't know what that means. It's jibberish. Congressman, you know what GMOs are.
I do not! Yes you do.
Great Money Order? What does it mean? I feel as though you're being willfully obtuse,
Congressman. GMOs? HIK? LTS?
Now this is happening I'm Judy Goodstuff.
I think that was the point. And finally, when you think of oil, you think
of Middle East oil-rich states like Saudi Arabia and Iran. But it turns out international
terrorist network ISIS is also in the oil game. As you can see in this fun CNN infographic,
oil is right up there with kidnapping and bank looting, in terms of ISIS' income.
Now, we're not here to help ISIS, these are tips anyone can use. Panel, what are some
new ventures you think ISIS could pursue? Macrame placemats!
They could sell Mary Kay door to door! Legos!
Well they could AirBnB their huts or their yurts or whatever the crap they live in!
Or they could raffle off tickets to Ellen. I don't think the Ellen show would honor those
tickets if they're not printed up by the Ellen show.
You don't think Ellen Degeneres is a secret leader of an ISIS cell? Poisoning our American
airwaves with her lesbian agenda? Topic for another time.
Sure is! Lookin' forward to it. All this talk of future makes me yearn for
a simpler time when I didn't have a mountain of debt and this sore hip. We'll never be
as young as we are now, but that's just me, I'm Judy Goodstuff.
More when No, You Shut Up! returns It was a false alarm. The house was soaking
wet, as a matter of fact. Welcome back. It's time for our panel to sound
off. Gang, whom should shut up this week? Ned Cooper, I'll start with you-per.
Haha, nice! I would like to tell the new X-Files episodes to shut up. I mean, how in the living
heck is the cigarette smoking man still alive? They even devoted an entire episode to Scully's
Mom, about whom I do not care about one iota. I mean really, Scully's Mom?! Scully's Mom?!?!
Shut up, X-Files! Congressman Oliver Pouch.
I would like to tell Morgan Freeman to shut up.
He recently narrated the campaign ad for Shillary Clinton. look Morgan, I wanna hear your voice
when you're playing a realistic God in Jim Carrey movies, or when you're talking about
penguins who sometimes go gay. So, shut up Morgan Freeman!
Judy Goodstuff Oh no..
Thank you, Paul. I would like to tell Cheetos to shut up. They go crunch, they go munch,
and they irritate my colitis. But that's just me, I'm not Cheetos.
Shooooooo Wellll, that's all the time we have for this
episode of No, You Shut Up! Join us again next week. And until then..
You shut up! Hey, did you guys know that voting is cool?
Like a basketball Say what?
WOW! Man, you're a sports genius!! Like voting1
Yeah! Right in the hoop, loopdy loop, shoop shoop
sha-boop? Aw, she ruined it. It was so cool until then.
Why would you say that? I don't think voting's cool any more.
I don't know what you need.