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♪ The end of the Civil War was near ♪
♪ When quite accidentally ♪
♪ A hero who sneezed abruptly seized ♪
♪ Retreat and reversed it to victory ♪
♪ His medal of honor pleased and thrilled ♪
♪ His proud little family group ♪
♪ While pinning it on some blood was spilled ♪
♪ And so it was planned he'd command F Troop ♪
♪ Where Indian fights are colorful sights ♪
♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪
♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪
♪ Both turn chicken ♪
♪ When drilling and fighting get them down ♪
♪ They know their morale can't droop ♪
♪ As long as they all relax in town ♪
♪ Before they resume with a *** and a boom ♪
♪ F Troop ♪
[music continues]
[theme music]
Five thousand dollars reward.
Sure would be great for a young couple
starting out life together wouldn't it, Will?
Oh, yes. Yes, it would.
It'd be a perfect wedding gift.
Mmm-mm. Why, do you know somebody who's getting married?
Oh, Wilton, sometimes I could just..
The postman said I should put this up here.
I'll bring them in, Jane.
I'm not just captain of Fort Courage
I'm responsible for this whole area.
Maybe I should come along and get them with you, Wilton?
You know, I can shoot the eyelashes
off a jackrabbit at 200 feet.
Oh, no. Capturing bandits that's man's work.
Uh, uh, ah, just a moment. This is man's work too.
Yeah.
Uh, well.
[theme music]
I don't know what could be the matter with him, doc.
I offered him carrots and sugar and candy and everything.
But he just doesn't have any appetite.
- Doesn't have any pep. - Yeah, let me see his feet.
- Oh. - Lift up his foot.
- Alright, come on, beauty. - Yeah.
Show the doctor. That's a good boy.
Yeah, mm-mm.
Well, now, let me, let me see that stomach.
Oh. There we are.
Well, see his eye here now.
See if his eye is clear. Uh-huh.
Now, just a minute. Oh, now, take it easy, boy.
Yeah, he's very sensitive around the ears.
I wanna see if he's got any fever.
- Oh, well, it's alright, baby. - Alright now.
- Open up his mouth. - Oh, here.
- Show, show him your teeth. - Uh-huh.
Yeah, Mm-mm. Yeah, yeah.
Let me see. Let me see.
Listen could it maybe be something he ate?
I mean, I gave him a leftover stew last night.
Have to make some tests. I'll give you my report tomorrow.
Oh.
Ma! Ma!
- Oh. - Corporal Agarn?
- Is that you, captain? - Yes, I heard you were ill.
I thought I'd come see you. What's the trouble?
Oh, I ate some of the leftovers in the beef stew last night.
- Why don't go see the doctor? - Thank you, captain.
Here, I'll help you up.
Just, just let me sit here, captain.
Oh, but the doctor can help you.
Nobody can help me.
Corp, you're just going to have to pull yourself together.
Here, stand up. Stand up.
Ah!
What-what? Where does it hurt you?
- My foot. My foot. - Your foot?
You're standing on my foot.
'Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.'
'The doctor will know what's wrong. Come, we'll go see him.'
'Just wait till you see him'
I'm saying, captain, I guess I'm just an old fuddy-duddy.
- Doctor. Oh, doctor. - A horse doctor?
- The only medical man we have. - Oh, hello, captain.
Doctor, we-we have a sick soldier here.
Uh, really? Well, what seems to be the trouble?
Well, I have these pains and I can't eat. No pep.
Let me see your feet. Now, lift up your foot.
Lift up your foot.
Alright, come on over here.
Now...let me see that stomach.
Hmm-hmm. Now, well, now.
Let, uh, let's see if the eye is clear.
Uh-huh. Ah. Now, I'll see if you have any fever.
[imitating a horse neighing]
Very sensitive around my ears.
Alright now, open up your mouth. Open up your mouth.
Oh.
[whistles]
Yeah, well, now, I'll have to make a few tests
and I'll let you know tomorrow. Go take a rest, corporal.
Okay, I'll help him back to the barracks.
- Yeah. - Thank you, doctor. Goodbye.
Oh, corporal.
Don't help anymore, captain.
You've done enough for me already.
[instrumental music]
I have these pains in my stomach and I get dizzy.
- Dizzy? - Yeah.
Me best medicine man in all west.
- Soon you feel much better. - Think so?
Hmm, come see chart.
Here big picture of tum-tum.
You, oh, bad, bad, bad.
Tum-tum all topsy-turvy.
Can you give me something for it?
Step into office. Sit down.
- Easy, easy, easy. - Oh.
Me do medicine dance to great spirit.
Soon...you are yourself again.
[rattling]
[chanting in Native American]
[drum beats]
How your tummy now?
Oh, you're a wonderful dancer, doc.
But don't you have some medicine I can take?
Back come.
- You take this. - Take that?
'Kiss of evening breeze, blended with pollen of lovely flower'
and essence of fine herbs
crossed with mystic spices of the Hekawis.
- Very secret. - Yeah, but what is it?
Marinated corncob.
Take pinch, every three hours with glass water.
Ma-a-a!
Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot.
Well, what do you think, doc? Sure like that horse, I--
I know, I'm sorry, sergeant.
I've completed my test on the horse and the news is not good.
(O'Rourke) 'What's wrong with him? Give it to me straight. How bad is he?'
(Doctor) 'I know how close you are to him, hate to tell you this'
'but he's a goner.'
How long do you reckon he'll last?
Oh, could go any minute.
Well, I-I hate to suggest this
but...do you think maybe it'll help
'if I put him out of his misery?'
(Doctor) 'Oh, no. I wouldn't do that. Let him enjoy his last few days.'
You-you'll know when the end's coming.
His tongue will turn black and his teeth will get loose.
(O'Rourke) 'Well, thank you, doc.'
I should start thinking about a replacement
that'll take me a couple of days.
- Hmm, I'm sorry. - 'That's alright.'
At least, now that I know I can change my plans.
- 'Well, so long, doc.' - 'So long.'
Well, hello, corporal. What's the matter with you?
You look like you've been crying.
I'll be alright. I'm a soldier.
Give it to me straight, doc. What is it?
Nothing at all, just relax and-and stop worrying.
Stop worrying.
Tell me the truth, doc.
I can take it. What is it?
That you're fine, just like I said.
Just take it easy and enjoy yourself.
Enjoy yourself.
Enjoy yourself.
A man in my condition?
It's all in your mind, son.
Yeah, there's nothing wrong.
Now, here. "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
[giggling]
[crying]
Eat an apple. The black tongue, loose teeth.
Isn't there anything in this world
for a man with a topsy-turvy tum-tum?
Oh, thank you, Duffy. Here, you can take care of him.
- Regard to you, captain. - 'Oh, captain.'
I-I'd like to speak to you about your man Agarn.
- Corporal Agarn? - Yeah, he's not well.
- Really, what is it? - He's very nervous.
There's nothing physically wrong with him.
But, well, you should handle him very carefully.
He's liable to break down, just go all to pieces.
'He imagines he's ill.'
Well, do you think I should give him a weekend pass?
Might help. The best medicine you could give him is kindness.
'Just humor him along.'
Well, then kindness is the word, doctor.
Don't worry, I'll handle it.
- Ow! - Oh, captain.
That's an order, sergeant.
I want everyone in the troop to treat Agarn
with sympathy and understanding.
Very well, sir.
He's to have lotta rest, warm milk, fresh fruit
and his nap in the afternoon.
Yes, sir.
No matter what he says you go along with it.
The key to being a successful officer
is control in every situation.
Your successful officer is always in complete control.
Sir.
Ow!
[dramatic music]
Hey, Agarn, I got a surprise for you.
A farewell gift? Is that it, sarge?
Well, no. It's some fresh fruit and warm milk.
Yeah. Whoa, wait.
Here, why, why don't you have this and then take a nap?
That's nice of you, sarge.
You and me, we've had some good times together.
Yeah, we've made some pretty sharp business deals.
Remember the time we emptied the kerosene lamps
out of the inspector general's office?
[chuckles] Yeah, took it into town and sold it as hair tonic.
Couldn't light a match near a bald-headed man for a month.
Listen, you take it easy, I'm due over at Hekawi Camp.
I got a new idea, See, we'll supply the soap
then we'll sell a combination peace pipe and bubble pipe.
- You can keep my share. - What are you talking about?
You and I are partners to the bitter end.
The bitter end?
- So long, Agarn. - So long, sarge.
So long, F Troop.
[thinking] It's light blue, pretty soon it'll be dark blue.
Then black blue and then black black
and that's it.
Then you get the parade, the muffle drums
and 21-gun salute.
What makes you think you'd get 21-guns?
That's for a president.
Eighteen? Uh, that's a general.
What does a corporal get?
A 3-gun salute. Maybe.
And a crooked corporal, he'd get..
[squeaking]
What a way to go. Me the crooked corporal.
The least I can do is square myself to the world
for the sake of mom, dad and, and Charlie.
Dear inspector...general.
I want to...make..
...a full confession.
- Hi, there, corporal. - Oh, hello, Miss Jane.
What's the matter? You look kinda sad.
Real down in the mouth like going to a funeral or something.
Bye.
Bye.
[dramatic music]
- Cleaning your rifle, sarge? - Yeah.
- You don't fool me. - What?
Go ahead, shoot. Give it to me right here.
What are you talking about?
I heard you talking to the doctor about me.
You said, maybe you should put me out of my misery.
I can't stand the suspense, go ahead, shoot.
- Talking about you? - I know, I'm a goner.
I can't stand the suspense, shoot.
I don't even need a blind fold.
Condemn man's dinner, chicken peas, water melon.
Wait. Hold the peas. You got candy.
Candy?
Sure, you wouldn't refuse a man his last request?
What are you talking about last request?
You got nothing to worry about.
I didn't mention you in the letter.
Letter? What letter?
I had to do it.
I got to leave this earth with a clear conscience.
I told him about all the deals we made, the swindles.
But I took the blame, Sarge. I didn't mention you.
I may have a black tongue and a loose teeth
but got a clear conscience.
Black tongue, loose teeth?
That was my horse we were talking about.
Your horse? What do you mean your horse?
'The vet said my horse is very sick.'
'Now, what about the letter?'
- What about me? - You're fine. You're fine.
There's nothing wrong with you.
You're fine. But, what about the letter?
I'm fine? Oh-huh.
[giggling]
I'm fine. Oh, that's marvelous for me.
But, very bad for the horse.
Never mind the horse, what about the letter?
Oh, the letter's alright.
I just mailed it to the Inspector General.
- The Inspector General? - The inspector general?
[dramatic music]
I'll keep an eye out.
You see, if you can get the letter out of the bag.
[dramatic music]
[screams]
Sarge, look at that.
Hey, that's my new possum trap.
Just ordered it from Carson city.
Beautiful, isn't it. It hurts. But, it's beautiful.
Agarn just put a letter and we forgot to put a stamp.
Well, this here is the incoming mail.
So?
Outgoing mail just left.
Lucky for you, they took your letter without a stamp.
- Oh. - Yeah. Lucky. Wish I was dead.
Are you sure there's nothing wrong with me?
There will be if the Inspector General
ever gets hold of that letter. Then we'll be on that poster.
- 'That's it.' - What's it? What's what?
What's, who, what?
We'll become the Colton brothers.
- We'll stick up the mails. - Stick up the US mails?
'Just to get the letter back.'
We'll put on masks and no one will know it's us.
They'll think it's the Colton boys.
Do know the penalty for robbing the US mail is ten years?
We're not robbing the mails.
It's your own letter we're going to get back.
'I mean, what can they do to you?'
[weeping]
(Capt. Parmenter) 'One month ago, the Colton Brothers'
held up the mail at Brimstone canyon.
Now, one week ago, The Colton Brothers
held up the mail at the Royal Gulch.
Now, I figured they'll strike next right around Coldwater.
Does that give you an idea?
Yes, sir. I'll win.
Look, Dobbs. All I was trying to do is point out
that there is a pattern to what the Colton brothers are doing.
We have to head for Coldwater canyon and grab them.
So, let's mount our horses and go.
I'll get my bugle.
Ow!
Oh, Dobb.
[dramatic music]
What time do we pass through Coldwater canyon?
Are we on schedule?
Oh, I've got to be in today, 9 o' clock in the morning.
I'm getting married there tomorrow.
That stage cough will be here any minute, Bob.
- Let's put on the masks. - Right, Bill.
I get the mail bag and I'll throw it to you.
When I say follow me, we ride away.
- I got it. - Right.
That stage is gonna be here any minute.
Put your mask on. You remember now.
When I get the mail sack and throw, follow me.
Be right out, alright?
[gun firing]
(Bill) 'Hold that coach.'
(Bill) Give me that mail bag.
Here, Bob.
- I'm not, Bob. - Neither am I.
Here, give me that.
- What are you doing, Bob? - I'm not Bob.
(Bob) 'That's right Bill, he's not Bob. I'm Bob.'
- Who is he? - I thought that was you.
That's not me, I'm me. He's him.
I'll fail.
(Bill) Give that bag to Bob.
I've got these two guys covered.
Take off, Bob.
Don't you touch that bag.
'My wedding invitations is in it.'
What are you, a wise guy?
Why didn't you give that bag to Bob?
(Corporal Agarn) Well, I thought he was Bob.
Do you think he was Bob?
I wish you'd make up your mind who's Bob.
So, I can get out of here. I'm late already.
And I maybe late for my old honeymoon.
Why don't you shut up, you old crow?
I'm not an old crow. I'm an engaged woman.
Go on with your robbery so we can get out of here.
I'm Capt. Parmenter of The United States Army
and I've got you surrounded.
I knew you'd be here, you Coltons.
- Alright get going. - Oh, no. Not me.
I don't want that, it's stolen property.
Captain, how come there's four of them?
They must be trying to confuse us.
We'll just have to arrest them all.
That belongs to the United States Post Office.
'Give me that.'
Here, Dobbs. Head for the fort.
Alright, you're all under arrest.
Now let's ride.
[dramatic music]
[gun firing]
[gun firing]
(Capt. Parmenter) Hey.
Look at that. Wilton caught the Coltons.
Throw down your guns. Throw down your guns. Put up your hands.
(Capt. Parmenter) 'Alright, give me that mail bag, Dobbs.'
Sgt. O 'Rourke. Corporal Agarn?
Oh, yes we went underground, sir.
Hoping like you to capture the Coltons.
You did?
But it was you who decoyed them into the fort.
A brilliant move. A brilliant move.
Stroke of genius. planning that fake pay envelope is a decoy.
Oh, Clever, very clever, sir. Yes.
Oh, Wilton, you have captured the Coltons.
You know, you're the bravest man in the whole world.
Now, please, please. I'm on duty.
What was that about an envelope?
Now don't be modest Captain.. Did I say Captain?
I beg your pardon at this rate it'll soon be General.
Shall I take the prisoners to the guard house, General?
General, I keep making that mistake.
Yeah, I know-I know. I can handle this situation.
Left! No, no. Around Right.
Stay. Forward. Hut!
I'll just see you later, Jane.
Wilton! Oh, Wilton.
[pleasant music]
Poor horse. Couldn't sleep all night.
I brought him an apple but I'm afraid it's too late.
I don't trust how he feels.
I got my pains too.
Hmm? Where?
Well, they start up here in my head.
Then they work themselves around here.
- What? - And come out here.
What? What's that stuff?
This...this kiss of the evening breeze
blended with pollen of the beautiful flower
and essence of fine herbs
crossed with mystic spices of the Hekawi
Very secret.
- Marinated corn cob. - Marinated..
Marinated corn cobs.
[dramatic music]
Agarn, you've cured him.
Oh, Sarge.
[weeping]
[water splashing]
[theme music]