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Once upon a time four lads were born in a manger in the *** town of Liverpool,
England. These four lads were John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison, and Pete
Best. This is their story. The stars aligned and these four jerkoffs
were born with incredible musical powers, and also George could fly. Inspired by American
rock-n-roll music, American blues music, American R&B music, American folk music, American jazz
music, American dance music, American fashion and American attitudes, they were the pride
of England. It was John Lennon who famously said "***
school" and started dicking around with a guitar given to him by one of his two moms.
Actually, one of them was his Aunt or something, because his real Mom was kind of flaky and
had a knack for getting hit by cars. But I digress.
John started a band he initially called The Quarrymen. His bandmates were friends from
school with unimportant names. They probably all wrote memoirs about knowing John in the
50s, and still no one remembers who they are. They are not important at all and should kill
themselves. Eventually John met Paul McCartney, who was
already just the biggest ***, but was talented as hell, and they became good friends. They
bonded over both having dead mothers, which is really morbid and they should be ashamed
of themselves. Later, Paul brought George Harrison into the band, despite George being
12 years old at the time and still wearing diapers (he had a problem).
The lineup changed constantly, with all those other guys eventually giving up and getting
crap jobs and starting stupid families, and the main trio, aka "The Big Three," aka Ford,
General Motors and Chrysler, becoming the center of a band that now also had the great
Pete Best on drums, and Stu Sutcliffe on Bass instead of getting an MRI. Who cares that
they weren't invented yet, GET ON THAT YOU ARE GOING TO DIE VERY SOON.
They changed their name to The Beatles to avoid confusion with men who work in quarries
and began a tour of Germany, because there is nowhere to play music in all of Great Britain.
They played at *** bars and got into fights and did drugs and one time Harrison saw a
family of deer, but he didn't tell the others, it was just for him. While in Germany, Sutcliffe
left the band, desiring to make his art and marry the guy from That 70s Show. Five minutes
later he died. The band returned to England after the Germans
realized George Harrison was, like, 8, and kept playing, becoming very popular in Liverpool
and eventually getting a real manager in Brian Epstein, a Gay, Jewish music store manager
who lived in the UK at a time when two of those three things were illegal. Go on, guess
which ones. Epstein got them to record after Decca famously
rejected them, citing Paul McCartney's troubling habit of starting fires. Some other studio
took them in--it was EMI, which stands for "Who gives a ***"--and they met their longtime
producer and friend, George Martin. While recording their early material, Martin
realized that Pete Best was secretly a horrible drummer and deserved to die, so they fed him
to a Bear and brought in Ringo Starr, a guy they knew who, in addition to having the dumbest
stage name of all time, could play drums. Notably, Martin had no problem at all with
Lennon's homophobic, anti-semitic slurs directed at Brian Epstein, or with Paul's distrust
of modern communications and needing to contact others via carrier pigeon.
And so the "Fab Four" was complete, with John playing Rhythm Guitar and usually singing,
Paul playing Bass and singing when John wasn't feeling well, George playing Lead Guitar and
Didgeridoo, and Ringo hitting a drum with a stick. They had their iconic wardrobe down,
thanks in part to the late Stu Sutcliffe, whose story is seriously pretty tragic. Someone
should write a song about him.