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[ Rhythmic clapping ]
Did Migos' stock rise now that Donald Glover
gave them a shout-out?
Nah. Well, no, 'cause what's gonna happen now
is white people listening to "Bad and Boujee,"
so we got to be done with that song by the end of, like, next week.
♪♪
Ohh.
Neurosurgeon Ben Carson, the gawd, has been nominated
to be Secretary of Housing and Urban Development,
a.k.a. the HUD.
He is spitting hot bars over here explaining to you
exactly what he's gonna do when he touches down in office.
Dr. Carson: And as I started reading,
I began to discover a whole new world.
We were desperately poor,
but between the covers of those books, I could go anywhere.
I could be anybody. I could do anything.
And within the space of a year and a half,
I went from the bottom of the class to the top of the class,
much to the consternation
of all those students who used to call me "dummy."
They were now coming to me saying,
"Benny, Benny, how do you work this problem?"
And I'd say, "Sit at my feet, youngster,
while I instruct you."
I was... [Laughs] Ooh! Ooh!
...perhaps a little obnoxious,
but it sure felt good to say that to those turkeys.
"To those turkeys"!
Yo! Is this a confirmation hearing or is this the Apollo?
Your man just flamin' ***?
Yo! Is this a smack battle?!
He was like, "Yo..." What is this?!
"So I told 'em -- ha-ha-ha -- your mother's so fat..."
[ Laughter ]
So the confirmation hearing
is just basically just get up there,
tell some stories from your childhood.
Everyone chuckles. No one's checking if these people --
Yo! This is like when you go for a job interview
and the H.R. person is your homeboy.
You're like, "Ahh. "What's good?"
We out here. *** this résumé. Let's roll up."
Look at Candy in the back, though.
She's looking at him like, "That's my ***.
"Yeah, that's my *** right there.
I wore my good wig."
All that dack. All that Ben Carson dack.
That's my dack. Tell those turkeys."
Tell 'em. Look at the hand.
He's like, "Yo, let me tell y'all *** suh-in'."
"Let me tell y'all turkeys something."
Let me tell y'all suh-in'."
When he said, "Benny, Benny, Benny..."
"Benny, Benny, how do you work this?"
Oh! That's what Candy be saying.
[ Laughter ]
Bro, this can't be life.
This is America now.
Yo, this is so ill. Oh, man!
Your man is the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development.
Ben Carson!
He hasn't even got the job, and he's already checked out.
He told us he's not helping any Americans.
No brown ones, no purple ones.
Nobody. Nobody.
It's the Freudian slip of the century, ladies and gentlemen.
You're on your own. Get your own help with your medulla oblongata.
It will not be my intention
to do anything to benefit any American.
None of y'all ***. None of y'all ***.
...y'all.
This is my Housing and Urban Development now.
Usually, you got to get the job
before you tell people to kiss their ***.
He's like, "Nah, no.
Don't send me no e-mails. Don't make my phone ring.
I ain't coming in on Monday."
"Nah. I'm developing my own house...y'all."
Candy's like, "Go ahead. Talk your ***, Ben."
"Talk your ***, daddy. That's right, daddy.
My man's a doctor. Yeah, he be making this *** talk."
Like, "What?!
"That's not all he operates on." Candy, chill."
[ Rhythmic clapping ]
You libtards out there
are attempting to boycott the family company L.L.Bean,
which makes great bookbags
and other parkas for white people.
And now Donald Trump feels the need to support them.
So he sent out this tweet today saying, "Go buy some L.L.Bean."
Get some new mittens and some toboggans.
And in true Donald Trump fashion,
he linked to the wrong Twitter account.
Instead of linking to L.L.Bean,
he linked to @LBPerfectMaine,
which is actually a lobster company... Okay.
...whose website has crashed
because I'm sure his dumb fans
don't realize they're clicking the wrong link.
So shout-out to that.
Shout-out to L.L.Bean now officially
being the clothing of the enemy. Damn.
I guess what we'll be wearing in our death camps.
And now I guess everyone is boycotting L.L.Bean.
Damn, L.L.
Gonna be out here with the Eddie Bauer Editions.
I think LL Cool J runs L.L.Bean.
That would be better than Linda Bean.
"I got some boots for y'all ***."
That was a wild dad joke, ***.
Damn, man. Like... Yo!
Every time you have a kid, your dad jokes ramp up.
You're at four. This is your final form.
Yo, I'm in Vegas next week.
He's coming through with sandals.
He gonna get the big hoop earring.
Yo! Stupid!
The ribs is mean, though.
I'm in charge of the grill.
[ Laughter ]
Well, I think it's very much a case of bullying.
It's bullying me.
It's bullying the companies that I own
and bullying the one that I partly am on,
the L.L.Bean company, which I've owned since I was a child.
My grandfather gave me the first share of stock
the day I was born.
This is actually sad because L.L.Bean does
a lot of good humanitarian things,
things that people would even say are, like, liberal-based.
They did outreach to, like, Syrian refugees.
They help homeless people and stuff.
But, you know, I guess we're off that. Quality handmade products.
Next time I buy a ski jacket and get my initials on the sleeve,
I'm not going to L.L. Bean.
I'm taking my monogramming elsewhere! Okay?
I'll be at Paragon. Thank you very much.
I'm leaving all my ski tickets on, too.
That's right.
That's the white-people equivalent
of leaving the sticker on your fitted.
Yeah. Come on. You already know.
Coming through with wild ski tickets like --
"Yo, how was your weekend?" It's like...
"Oh. Well..."
[ Rhythmic clapping ]
It's a new segment here we like to call "The Button Report."
Uh-oh. Your man Steve Harvey is in hot water...
Button gawd. ...'cause he was saying
that women don't like Asian men.
"15 buttons are better."
He actually doesn't put buttons on his suits anymore.
Yeah? Yeah, he did a whole thing about he's tired of it.
Still gonna roast you about it.
Harvey: Finally, here's one.
"How to Date a White Woman:
A Practical Guide for Asian Men."
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Laughing ] Yo.
Yo, this is straight comical right here.
He's gonna do two and a half minutes of like,
"[ Laughing ] Come on."
That's one page, too.
Excuse me. Do you like Asian men?
No. Thank you.
Wow.
Yo, damn, ***. Where's the joke?! Yo.
"How to Date a Black Woman."
You like Asian men? I don't even like Chinese food, boy.
I would also like to point out
that Steve Harvey has posed shirtless and oiled up.
For what reason, I don't know. Let's show it.
See? No. Why?
You want to date an Asian guy or you want to date this?
Yo, come on. Hey. Hey. Hey.
Look at that meatloaf. What's up, ma?
Yeah, boy.
This *** look like a glazed ham.
Act like a woman, think like a man. Ahh.
It looks like his head is Photoshopped.
He's like, "Yo, what you want me to do, my ***?
He looks like -- "Yo, don't take the picture.
Nah, nah. Come on. I'm changing, man."
Yo, come on. I got baby ***."
Damn. [ Laughter ]
Yo!
I'm laughing because there are some DMV employees right now
with this printout at their desk like, "Mm-hmm.
"Mmm. Ooh, I'll butter your biscuit, baby.
Steve. Mnh-mnh. I'll give you all this.
So fine. Hmm. Where's Cedric?
And I'll make you grits in the morning, baby."
[ Rhythmic clapping ]
I was flipping through my channels the other day,
and I ended up on Univision.
This is a touching, new telenovela.
"Dos monitos."
The tragic tail of a monkey, his love,
and how it all went awry.
Narrator: In Rajasthan,
the temple langurs have taken Spy Monkey
into the heart of the family.
But some are keen
to take the budding relationship to the next level.
♪ Let me see what that is ♪
Oh!
One seems to want to be...
He's like, "Oh, you single? You're here by yourself?
"Yo, what's good, ma? I don't see no ring.
I don't be seeing you have a ring."
Yoink. Oh, you're my boo now."
Oh! Oh!
♪ It's Mister Steal Your Monkey ♪
Oh, no. You killed him! You killed him!
She be going, "Yo, it's still good. It's still good.
5-second rule."
[ Laughs ] Yo. Damn.
They're like, "Yo. Tamisha, you killed him!
You killed him. Why you killed him for?
Sure he's dead? Is he dead?
"Yo, *** you mean, is he dead?
There's all types of *** coming out his head."
Yo, you a nurse. Do some ***."
"Yo. Come on, yo. Do CPR, my ***. Come on.
Yo. Yo.
"Chill. He's wild-stiff. Yo, he's dead, yo.
I didn't even know him.
I always see him go to the store, and he's always polite,
and he just be walking his dog. Yeah."
He minding his bus-- Oh, that's *** up.
"News 12 here live where a robot monkey has died."
iYo no sé! The robot monkey?
He's always go-- He helped me bring my car into --
Oh. This used to be a good neighborhood."
"Every time I see him, he always help me out, you know?
I be having my beers, and he always bring me a beer.
He's a good monkey. You know? He's a nice guy."
Oh, wow. They're having a funeral at Ortiz Funeral Home.
And he's got the Bluetooth on.
"I didn't really know this monkey. He was in my bowl--"
[ Laughter ]
*** is like, "You didn't know that monkey!"
Yo. Chill. They're about to print up
the T-shirts with the monkey's face --
"Sleep In Peace."
Yo. Monkeys do the mural. Like -- tsss!
"R.I.P., my ***."
Damn. Damn. That's mad-sad, yo.
But that's what happens when you don't feed your Tamagotchi.
[ Laughter ]
[ Rhythmic clapping ]
Yo, Dr. Phil went from being like, yo, advice dude
to now he's just mad-messy, like the messy hour.
That's what you want!
He comes on right before "Judge Judy."
You want that little messiness.
You want a little messiness in your life.
And here Dr. Phil being messy.
He's showing a teacher
that got curved by one of her famous students.
Man: Former. Former student. Oh, I thought famous.
Listen. Former, famous --
It doesn't matter. You got curved.
But you did have communication with him, didn't you,
the next day?
No. Oh, the next day, just one text in the morning,
and that was it. What was that text?
He texted me that he had a great night
or "it was great" or something in that manner.
And I text back that...
He's like, "Yeah, ***."
...you know, maybe we could do it again.
Yo! Look at her face. She's like...
She's like, "Yo."
Look at his face. He's like, "Yeah, ***. Ahh!"
Like, "Yeah, tore that *** up.'
Squad up! [ Trills tongue ] Yo.
The mother's like...
"This -- I'm-a beat her ***, and I'm-a beat your ***."
"I'm-a wear your *** out."
That's the difference between your mas and your pas.
His pa would've been like, "Hey! You know what I'm sayin'?"
[ Laughter ]
And he curved her with the good-morning text like,
"Yo. *** was a'ight. "*** was a'ight."
*** was a'ight. You got home safe?
Sorry I didn't hit you up earlier.
[ Laughter ]
She's like, "I told you to text me as soon as you get home."
Like, "Get off my ***."
*** outta here.
"You're not even my girl, though!"
[ Laughter ]
"Tristian, where's your homework?!"
"You're not even my homeroom teacher!"
...outta here.
This is a sad story, but Tristian seems happy. Yo.
♪♪
♪ Hey, we have a guest today ♪
♪ Her name is Jenna ♪
♪ Wortham ♪
♪ Technology reporter and staff writer ♪
♪ For The New York Times ♪ ♪ Magazine ♪
Which is a fake-news organization!
Get 'em outta here! Give it up for Jenna Wortham! Aah!
♪♪
-Jenna, welcome. -Hi, guys!
-How are you? -I'm really good.
Thanks for coming on the show. This is part 2.
Thanks for coming. You know what I'm sayin'?
Your podcast partner yesterday, young Wesley.
Young Wesley. Young Wesley Morris.
He did all right. I saw him.
-Yo, he did really well. -He went in, though.
He went in, and I was mad-high when I seen it.
I was like, "Word, yo. Preach, yo.
Yo! Facts! Facts!"
I was like, "Yo, was I even there?"
I was like, Oh, ***. I was there. I was right next to him."
What's it like working with him?
Oh, my gosh. I mean, you met him. You saw him.
He is a slice of dark-chocolate cake.
The irony, though, is he's allergic to chocolate.
-Is he? -And I always forget that.
And I'll be like, "Here, eat this."
And he'll be like, "No, I can't. You're killing me!"
And I'll be like, "What?" Like, pushing it into his face.
-Allergic to chocolate? -He's allergic to chocolate.
-That's my nightmare. -How sad is that?
-That is wild. -That is my nightmare.
Well, right off the boat, you know I'm a big Beyoncé fan.
-Okay. -I know you're a Hive member.
Is it Bay-Hive or is it B-Hive?
I got into an argument with somebody online.
I feel like it has to be the B-Hive.
It should be the Bay-Hive,
but I feel like it has to be just the letter -- B-Hive.
'Cause it's the only thing that makes sense.
And also she had the album "B'Day."
Well, but that was about her birthday.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I feel you, I feel you, I feel you.
I mean, it's alliteration.
It's like Bay-Hive. It's like she's Bae -- I get that.
You're in the B-Hive. Hold on.
Oh, you know I'm in the Bay --
I know the exact moment I joined.
It was Essence Fest. She was performing.
I was like, "What is this...***?"
And at the end, I was like...
[ Laughter ]
No, I used to be like you. It took me a minute.
I was like, "Yo, she's not even that talented or whatever."
At the end, I was just like, "Hmm! *** my edges!"
I think the turning point for me was --
No, no, this was after.
But what solidified my feelings around Beyoncé
was that performance when her hair got caught in the fan.
-And she kept going. -And she even hit higher notes.
She was like, "What? This is adding to it."
And someone came in, detangled it,
and then she was like, "Thank you," and kept going.
And I was like... That's a true artist.
How true is it you initially rejected
the first job offer you got from The New York Times?
-Mm-hmm. -Really? You was just like --
Were you like, "Yo, they're problematic?" The money wasn't right?
You was like, "Yo, step up your checks, daddy."
"Step up the money. Let me see the numbers."
No. I was just like --
I was a little baby blogger at WIRED living in San Francisco,
and I was like, "I can't do this."
I barely graduated from college. I barely --
I mean, I wasn't even a full-time employee at WIRED.
I was just like, "I'm a waitress.
I'm not New York Times material."
But I really have to give credit to my editors at the time
who called me up.
They're like, "Hey, boo, we got your e-mail.
Delete it.
What you're gonna do right now is send another e-mail
that says, "Thank you very much. I'll see you in New York."
And I was like, "Okay. Okay."
And you know what? Obama had just been elected.
I was like, "I'm doing it. Anything is possible."
-Anything is possible! -Anything is possible!
[ Laughter ]
If Barry can do it -- If Barry can go to the White House,
I'm going to The New York Times.
You're going to The...New York Times, and you're gonna kill it!
And then you ended up in the magazine, which is the more --
This is, like, the very fancy.
I love it. I love it.
You said you had to tune out.
When you tune out, does that include social media
or just the TV?
'Cause you have to write, regardless.
So how do you balance the two without becoming overwhelmed?
'Cause there's so much wild *** happening right now.
How do you -- Do you just one day --
Just like, "Yo, I'm not...with the Internet at all today?"
Oh, man. That's such a luxury.
Like, who can afford to be offline all day?
That's what I want to know. You do it?
Occasionally. You know what I do? I force myself.
Like, I get home on a Friday night, and I'm like,
"Yo, I'm gonna roll so much weed
that I'm gonna forget my phone exists."
I'm gonna just throw it in the drawer,
and I'm gonna look at it 12 hours later.
I'm gonna have 20 e-mails from him like,
"Yo, check your... e-mail, ***!"
He gets high, and he replies to my e-mails out loud,
not realizing I can't see them.
"I replied to that on Saturday."
And then I'm out with my kids.
If I'm at Target and ***,
I don't really want to be like...you know?
It's kind of like when you're with people,
you kind of want to give them all your attention.
I love that. Good for you. That's amazing.
This --
I'm making up for my speech yesterday.
You know what I'm sayin'? 'Cause it was kind of weak.
The "I love my wife" speech was kind of weak yesterday.
What did she say? Did she see it?
She was like, "I'm going to bed.
My legs are killing me."
No, I appreciate that. I really respect
your self-care strategy. That's amazing.
I just like to -- I really have to have time away.
So I'll be like, "Everybody, come over. I'm cooking."
I'll just be like, "Let me do Twitter IRL.
Like, let me roll with y'all. Let's hang out.
-What do you cook? -Everything.
On New Year's Day, I made greens.
I roasted a pork shoulder. Black-eyed peas, cornbread.
Wesley came over. A lot of people came over. It was cute.
I didn't get an invite.
Y'all now are on the official invite list.
Ahh! Thank you.
Nobody brings us food on this show.
Coming through with something...
Oh, I did bring you guys something.
-You did? -I did.
-What did you bring? -Edibles?
Hold on. Hmm, no.
You said edibles? Yeah.
So, I'm very into --
One of my personal interests is I'm very into,
like, holistic, you know, like otherworldly things.
Stuff that's kind of woo-woo, but I'm very about this life.
But I brought y'all crystals.
Oh, these are the ones that you put in to --
-They're not Yoni Balls. -They're not Yoni Balls?
I just learned about Yoni eggs!
I just learned about that! How did you know about this?
We know about everything nasty.
If it's disgusting, you know I'm up on it.
You can use these however you want.
Can I put it on a chain?
You can put it on a chain. They look like dice.
I was like, "All right." I kind of like that about them.
They're good for communication, positive communication, clarity.
This is like when your neighborhood gets gentrified.
Yes!
Great vibes! Great vibes!
Head crack. Snake eyes. Oops. That's problematic.
Positive energy. Open up your chi.
Thank you, Jenna! Jenna came through. See?
We used to give people rocks. Now we're getting rocks.
Full circle. Time is a flat circle.
♪♪
What do you want your rainbow to say?
Okay.
She has planned this. She's ready.
Thank you! Someone finally planned their rainbow!
Listen, I really want to be the kind of person
who can have "Bad and Boujee," as their rainbow,
but I'm gonna keep it real and do me.
It's really just -- "Stay Moisturized."
Aww. Stay moisturized.
-Stay moisturized. -For real.
♪♪
Shout-outs! Sha!
Shout-out to this blindfolded sledgehammer show.
I have not watched this video.
We had to have a meeting before this. Okay.
We're not sure what happens in this and the outcome of it,
but just enjoy it anyway.
What is gonna go down here?
This is the Hindu version of Gallagher.
This *** was not -- Oh!
Oh, no!
Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Damn.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
Oh, no, no!
Aah! Aah!
Oh, ***! Nah. He's gonna...this *** up!
Oh, he's gonna hit him in the nuts?
[ Gasps ] Yo. Nah, chill. Can you fast-forward?
Nah. Let it go. Let it go. Let it rock.
Holy ***!
Oh!
Oh, ***! Yo!
Got him! Whoo!
Yo!
Yo!
Yo.
Yo! Wow! Listen.
What the...?!
And this is why you don't go to the UniverSoul Circus.
Yo! Chi--
Ohh! Aah!
Yo, he hit my son right on the forehead!
Yo! Yo!
Oh, wow. Wow. Son.
[ Laughing ] Yo. Yo.
That's beef. We got beef after that.
Who was like, "All right, y'all two *** lay down.
I'm swingin' the hammer"?
I'd have been like, "Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.
Doggy, doggy, diamond, my guy. ...that. Put your foot in."
Come on.
Ah! Ah!
Sexy time, y'all.
In "Damn, Nature, You Sexy,"
a new segment we have on the show,
we're finding out seals are having sex with penguins.
Ooh. Oh, wow.
When you get off, he's gonna leave your *** for a seal, girl.
Damn. This looks like when your favorite Instagram model
goes to Dubai.
Yep.
[ Laughter ]
Tag the sponsor. Tag the sponsor.
"$30,000. You let me do whatever."
You know what's funny?
That seal thinks he's killing it, and he's not.
He giving her that chub boy. He's like --
Yeah. He's like, "Ahh."
"That's why they call me King Seal."
Yeah.
She's like, "***, I eaten minnows bigger than this ***."
Damn. All the other penguins is like,
"Yo, we can't be letting these ***' seals...our girls, yo."
This is like penguin cuckold ***.
Everyone's, like, watching it like, "Wow."
"Oh, yeah. So hot.
I love it when she's with seals. Yeah.
Oh, God. It makes me so hot."
"Give me your filthy penguin --" Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
Give me that seal ***!
Yo, shout-out to this lady on the train
who don't give a f-r-r-ruck... You know what I'm sayin'?
[ Trills tongue ] We out here. BX all day.
I gotta get right. I'm-a get right, regardless.
Not to be confused with the excellent movie
"Girl on the Train." That's true.
I thought it was Amy Adams. But it's not. It's Kate Blanch--
No? Kate Blunt?
Emily Blunt. Emily Blunt.
Yes. It's a white lady.
And we got Tamika Blunt over here.
[ Laughter ]
She's rolling an L on the train, and she's gonna light the ***.
And she got the questionably licensed New York Giants hat.
You know what I'm sayin'? Like -- [ Laughs ]
Is that the 2 she's on? Yo.
That's what this is!
So if you smoke marijuana, then why you don't know what it is?!
Look at her, undefeated,
on the platform, smoking a Newport.
"Ahh-ahh-ahh."
That post-blunt Newport. She's enjoying it.
She don't give a... what you throw at her.
She don't care. You know what I'm sayin'?
She in smack city right now, population one.
That's right. Yeah.
♪♪
Remember back in the day when the red trains,
like, the seats, you could --
If you yanked them, they'd pop right out? Yeah, yeah.
I seen *** take out every single seat on the train
and throw them out at the stops and just leave like two seats,
and there's two dudes sitting there
smoking weed or angel dust or whatever.
With my own two eyes.
That's what New York used to be like back in the day.
So, all you *** coming from Minnesota now,
thank your lucky stars.
One time at 149th Street on the 2 train,
a bat came on the train.
[ Laughter ]
Have you ever been on a train full of Bronx people
and...a bat is flying around the ***?
No one in the Bronx has ever seen a bat.
And then people was saying --
People was like, "Yo, don't let it bite you.
You're gonna become a vampire."
I'm like, "Yo. Come on.
Just go to the other car, Maritsa." Yo.
50 Cent has said a lot of...up ***,
but he also got shot a bunch of times.
So after you get shot, you can say...up ***.
Like, who's gonna check you, boo?
"I got shot nine times, ***. I'll say whatever I want.
50, ***."
How mad must the person that shot him be?
Like, not only did you not kill him,
but he went on to become dumb-rich and famous.
Like, you had one job, ***. Yo.
He was like John Starks in game 7.
Like, he was just missing everything.
*** got to be clowning him like,
"Remember you couldn't finish Curtis, ***?
"Shot him nine times? Nine times?"
Nine times? Who are you -- Melo?"
...cornball. ...outta here. Oh, ***.
He's like, "I walk with a limp. I'm a'ight."
You can tell we come from bad neighborhoods
'cause we talk so callously about death.
♪♪