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You know the kind of guy
who does nothing but bad things
and then wonders why
his life sucks?
Well, that was me.
Every time somethin' good happened to me
somethin' bad
was always waitin' around the corner.
Karma.
That's when I realized
I had to change.
So I made a list
of everything bad I've ever done
and, one by one, I'm gonna make up
for all my mistakes.
I'm just tryin'
to be a better person.
My name is Earl.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Randy and I usually avoid exercise at all costs
but sometimes there's
no way around it.
[ Bird Shrieks ]
[ Grunting ]
[ Panting ]
Can we take another break?
I'm having trouble
getting air into my mouth
and down to my stomach.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Running out of gas was karma telling me
it's time to do
number 62 on my list.
A while back,
Randy and I came across
the only car on the trailer park
without a locking gas cap.
For about a month before I won the lottery
and stopped stealing
that Yugo was like
our own personal Texaco.
[ Earl Narrating ] The first time we did it,
we used garbage bags.
Oh!
Then we found out gas
eats through garbage bags.
Oh!
Eventually, we learned
to put it in cans, which we still had.
So we filled 'em up and headed over
to the trailer park
- to return the gas and cross it off the list.
- Hey, Crab Man.
Hey, Earl.
What you doin'?
Just looking for a car I stole gas from.
What's with all the magazines?
Joy found my stash of Classy ***,
and she's making me get rid of them.
Man, that's a lot of Classy ***.
I bet that's even more
than the president has.
- Hey, dummy.
- [ Both ] Hey.
Darnell, I'm missin' February '04
from this stack.
You better not be hidin' it.
It's behind the pretend fireplace.
I'll go get it.
Darnell, I don't know
why you want to look
at that Miss February *** anyway
when you got all this right here.
Darnell, you better look at my ***
when I'm talkin' about 'em.
- Let's go.
- [ Whispering ] Come on!
[ Laughing ]
[ Vacuum Whirring ]
Excuse me.
Can I talk to you for a second?
I don't vote, I already have a religion,
and I hate whales.
No, no.
It's about your car.
- My name's Earl Hickey, and I stole gas from you.
- I never stole gas from you.
No, I stole your gas.
Look, I have a list-
Will you please turn that thing off?
[ Squeaking ]
Give it to me.
Okay?
[ Whirring Stops ]
There.
See? Nice.
Now we can talk.
Hey! Hey! Hey, what are you doing
with my garment pins?
- Put my pins back!
- I wasn't gonna keep 'em.
I'm just playin'
Daddy Long Fingers.
Hey, calm down!
Put the- Put the rock down!
Look, see, I have this list-
And you want me to sponsor you
by donating a dollar.
- What? No.
What I was gonna say is-
- You need directions.
- I don't have time.
- I have a list of bad things I've done.
That rug is very dirty 'cause it's gray.
I should've got the brown one.
- That's the color of dirt, but I wasn't thinkin'.
- I siphoned gas from you!
- When?
- About this time last year.
But I'm bringin' the gas back, see?
Randy, start unloading the gas.
I did you wrong, but now
I'm makin' up for it.
So, do you forgive me?
Can I cross you off my list?
Fine.
Whatever.
Thank you.
[ Brakes Squeaking ]
Man, that guy
was annoying, huh?
Kinda like when you bite
the inside of your cheek, and it swells up
and you keep bitin' it
and bitin' it and bitin' it.
- Your cheek still hurtin' you, Earl?
- Yeah, a little.
Thanks for askin'.
- [ Horn Honks ]
- [ Man ] Get out of the road!
- What the hell?
- [ Woman ] Moron!
What are you doin'?
I'm gonna get hit by a car.
I'm killing myself.
Is it because you're annoying?
I bet it's because you're annoying.
It's because if you hadn't
been stealing my gas
- I'd be dead already.
- What are you talkin' about?
[ Earl Narrating ]
It ends up
the month Randy and I
kept stealin' gas
was the same month this guy kept tryin'
to kill himself with car exhaust.
[ Engine Stalls ]
[ Earl Narrating ]
Only he never had enough gas to do it.
[ Engine Sputtering ]
[ Earl Narrating ] Even though he got close,
the car always died before he did.
[ Engine Stalls ]
Ah, nuts!
[ Earl Narrating ]
After a couple weeks, he finally gave up.
Nuts! Nuts! Nuts!
Nuts! Nuts!
Do you know how many times I've vomited
without getting the benefit of dying?
Seven? No, eight.
Forty-seven?
[ Sputtering ]
This entire time I think that God
is intervening and saving me
for something real special, but instead
I'm just getting screwed by a couple of thieves.
Maybe God was saving you
to be screwed by thieves.
And when there was only
one set of footsteps
maybe God was carrying you-
to be screwed by thieves.
Randy.
Can we just talk about
what you're doin'? I mean, there's-
A law against killing myself?
Yeah, I don't really care.
What are they gonna do,
give me a ticket when I'm dead?
- There's a car coming.
You gotta move.
-"No kidding, officer.
- It's easy to remain silent, cause I'm dead!"
- A car is coming!
I'm killing myself, and there's nothing
you can do to stop me.
[ Car Approaches ]
- Nuts!
- [ Horn Honking ]
[ Honking Continues ]
It's fine, Earl.
The carpet will protect him.
- Randy, I think we need to help this guy.
- I say we don't.
You already crossed him off your list.
I saw you do it.
- We don't have to help him.
- We don't technically have to help him.
But we can't just walk away.
What are we supposed to do
- stand here and watch him get run over?
- [ Horn Honks ]
No, I don't want to see it.
But if we get in our car
and hear a thump and a scream,
that's none of our business.
I'm sorry, Randy.
I can't explain it.
This whole list thing has me feelin' things
I've never felt before.
- I can't just walk away from the guy.
- Then let's run, Earl.
Let's run away from him.
We could make it a race.
It'll be fun.
Look, he's not that bad.
- [ Air Brakes Hiss ]
- Hey, buddy, today's your lucky day.
I'm gonna help you find
a reason to live.
[ Sneezes, Coughs ]
You know, uh, most people
cover their mouths when they do that.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Findin' someone a reason to live
isn't something I've ever had to do before,
especially someone I hardly knew.
So, suicide guy-
Philo.
Philo, uh, why do you
want to kill yourself?
'Cause I don't have a job,
I don't have any friends
I live in a trailer with no heat,
I fail at everything, and my feet hurt.
You ever try different shoes?
I gotta go ***.
"***.
" That is so stupid.
I wonder what he calls goin' ploppies.
Man, that guy is a drag.
Is he someone on your list?
He was, but I crossed him off,
so I'm finished with him.
- But I'm helping him anyway.
- Why?
I don't know.
Guy wants to kill himself.
I can't just walk away from him.
Are you gonna start helpin' people
that aren't on your list now?
'Cause if you do, we'll never finish it
and get back to stealing again.
You don't really understand
my list, do you, Randy?
No.
Not really.
- [ Metal Crashes ]
- [ Rattling ]
[ Water Dripping ]
Oh, hi, guys.
Would either one of you mind picking up
that broken pipe
and beating me to death with it?
- Randy, put it down.
- But, Earl, he said he wanted me to-
Put it down!
[ Earl Narrating ] I realized if I was
gonna keep Philo from killing himself
it wasn't enough
to just babysit him.
I needed to find a way to lift his spirits
and get him out ofhis funk.
First I tried small talk.
That's a real interesting birthmark
you got on the back of your neck.
My mom hit me with a curling iron.
I had spilled cereal on the carpet.
Didn't even have milk in it.
Hmm.
So your mom wears
her hair curly, huh?
[ Earl Narrating ]
When small talk didn't work
we tried showin' him other ways to have fun-
You know, like motel hockey.
- Randy!
- That was a clean hit.
[ Earl Narrating ] Nothin' was workin',
and since suicide is a serious thing
I thought I should consult an expert.
Since experts write books,
I went to the bookstore
a place I had only been
once before.
[ Man ]
Hey! Come back here!
Excuse me, sir.
Uh, do you people have
anything here like a book a guy can use
to keep a guy from killing himself?
We have Self-Esteem For Dummies,
but I think that's sold out.
Try the self-help section.
Oh, and we also have
a large selection of Books on Tape.
What do you mean,
like, sticky?
Cassette tape.
It's a book
but the author reads it
to you on tape.
Book on tape.
Wow.
It doesn't get any more futuristic
than that, huh?
Well, actually it does.
You can download
the books directly to your iPod now.
iPod, huh? What is that,
some sort of space capsule or something?
Think I got it.
It's a book on tape
called Something to Live For.
I also got a novel version of Road House
read by Patrick Swayze.
The best cooler
in the business?
This'll be great.
Books are written by smart people
- and smart people know how to fix problems.
- No, thanks.
Come on, Philo.
I'm tryin' to save your life.
Catalina, hold up.
I need to ask you a favor.
I got this guy who, uh-
Well, he needs
something to live for.
I am not sleeping
with that man.
No, no.
Of course you're not.
I know that.
Just make out with him a little.
No.
I can smell him from here.
It's okay.
I'm not interested.
I already got a girl I love.
She's hot.
- Wait.
You love a girl?
- Yeah, but she hates me-
or she would if she met me.
- I don't even know her name.
- Excuse me.
I'm hot.
You're okay, but compared to my girl,
you look like one of those things
from The Lord of the Rings that crawled
out of the ground, attacked the castle.
This uniform is not flattering.
You should see me in jeans and a bra.
Ewoks.
Those are called Ewoks.
Randy, this could be it.
If we can get
this girl Philo likes to like him
it'll give him something to live for,
and we won't have to watch him
every second of every day.
[ Water Bubbling ]
[ Muffled ]
I'll get the hook.
[ Earl Narrating ] After we fished Philo
out of the bottom of the pool
we cleaned him up and got him ready to go meet
who we hoped would be his new girlfriend.
It finally felt like I might actually get him
out of our lives
and I could go back to only
helping people on my list.
- That-That's the girl you love?
- Yeah.
Oh, please.
Victoria's Secret is just as bad.
Just 'cause they're classy
doesn't mean they're not still ***!
Son of a ***.
[ Joy ] I don't know why you want a Prius
when you got a Maserati right here.
[ Dog Barking In Distance ]
You love Joy?
Joy.
Classy name
for a classy lady.
Sometimes I watch her
do laundry.
So hot.
Look, you can't ask Joy out on a date.
She's married.
Oh, but she's always yelling at her husband.
I know she's not happy.
Well, that's her happy.
She's just a ***.
You know I love Darnell, but if it'll
get this guy out of our lives
maybe we should consider,
you know, killin' Darnell.
Randy, we're not killin' Darnell.
- I knew this wasn't gonna work.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No.
H-Hold on now.
I-I think this could work.
Let me talk to Joy.
Randy, take him back
to the motel.
[ Exhales ] All right, Philo,
would you rather-
Sit in the back of the truck
'cause you hate me.
- No, what I was gonna say is-
- That you hate me.
I had to ride in the trunk once.
It was raining-
Pizza or burgers? Pizza or burgers?
Pizza! Pizza! We're gettin' pizza!
- I like burgers.
- Too bad.
[ Earl Narrating ] You may think me asking
my ex-wife for help was crazy
but sometimes you gotta
fight crazy with crazy.
I wasn't flirting with her, Joy.
She's a Girl Scout.
- I like Slim Mints.
- Well, you ain't gettin' 'em,
'cause she ain't comin' back.
Not after what I did
to her bicycle.
Hey, Crab Man.
I was lookin' to have a word with Joy.
Hey, Earl.
Come on in.
We're just fightin'.
Joy's jealous.
I am not jealous.
You're the one that should be jealous.
I can't even walk down the street
without guys offerin' to do me.
I take that as a compliment.
I don't get jealous.
That is a lie.
Everybody gets jealous.
Hell, even frogs get jealous.
I saw that on TV.
That's what all that
croaking's about.
What do you want?
[ Earl Narrating ]
I could tell it wasn't the best time
but I asked Joy
my favor anyway.
I figured if she'd sit down with Philo
and tell him that she would date him
if she weren't already married,
it might give him enough hope in the future
to stop tryin'to kill himself.
At least long enough
for me to walk away.
Tell that little *** to meet me on Friday
at the Crab Shack.
Really? Thanks, Joy.
This is a big help.
Oh, and I hear you're wearin' underwear again.
Good for you.
Doesn't get jealous, huh?
[ Chuckles ]
Boys, get Mama's plastic stripper shoes
out of your Lego box.
[ Earl Narrating ] When the big day arrived,
I was feelin' nervous.
It seemed like we were close
to finally gettin' rid of Philo
and I didn't want
anything to go wrong.
- Hey, Earl.
- Hey, Crab Man.
Need a few beers.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Boss said I can't serve you
until you fix that pipe in the bathroom.
It sprays people
when they flush.
Luckily, only a few people
that flushed so far.
[ Exhaling ]
- You're breathin' loud.
- That's because you made me use toothpaste.
It makes the sores
in my mouth sting.
You that weird guy that likes to watch me
take my underwear off my clothesline?
- One of them.
Yes, ma'am.
- Beat it, Randy.
[ Bell Dings ]
- I hear you have a crush on me.
- Yes.
Hmm.
That's nice.
Do me a favor?
Put your hand
on my leg right here
and just kind of rub it around.
Like that.
No, this side.
Okay.
You like that, darlin'?
Huh?
'Cause I shaved
above the knee today.
- So much better than a doll.
- Hmm.
[ Chuckles ]
Get your hands off my wife.
What's the matter with you?
I thought you didn't get jealous.
Guess I was wrong.
'Cause my heart feels
like there's blood gushing in and out of it.
- That's what a heart's supposed to do.
- Shut up!
Oh, baby.
That's how my heart feels.
That's all I needed
to hear.
- [ Chuckles ]
- I'm so sorry.
Uh- Um, I thought
we were on a date.
It was a date.
But not all dates
are good ones, honey.
Sometimes it ends up with your sweetie
doin' a black man in the bathroom.
Come on.
What are you doin' here?
Where's Philo?
- He's gone.
I blew him off.
- Damn it, Joy.
I told you he's suicidal.
Come on, Randy.
[ Earl Narrating ]
I wanted to find Philo as fast as I could
but we had to stop for gas.
It made sense.
I'd stolen gas more than once.
- Karma was payin'me back more than once.
- [ Bird Shrieks ]
We gotta stop, Earl.
I can feel my heartbeat in my teeth.
Sorry, Randy.
We can't.
We gotta get to a gas station.
I'm not lettin' Philo
die on my watch.
[ Earl Narrating ]
And then I saw the thing I feared the most.
- Hi, Earl.
- Holy Moses!
You scared the crap out of me.
I thought you were dead.
Dead? [ Laughs ] Why would I be dead?
You crack me up, Earl.
I was just listening
to this tape you gave me.
- I don't have a cassette player in the house.
- I thought you killed yourself.
- Kill-
- [ Man ] Doesn't that give you
something to live for?
Why would I kill myself?
That's crazy.
Is it? The woman you love
just blew you off
and two days ago you tried to kill yourself
'cause a squirrel looked at you wrong.
I know.
But that was before I had friends.
Excuse me?
Yeah.
I mean there's no reason to kill myself
now that I got friends.
If he has friends, how come they haven't been
helping instead of us?
I think he means us, Randy.
[ Earl Narrating ]
That's when I realized
that while Randy and I
were tryin'to find him a reason to live
he found it on his own-
us, his new friends.
Hey, why don't you guys come in and watch
my old wrestling tapes from high school?
I wasn't on the team or nothin', but me
and my sister had some real close matches.
I know you don't understand why, Randy,
but I gotta go inside.
- If you want to take the car-
- I'll go in there with you.
- Really?
- Yeah.
That guy didn't kill himself
'cause of us, Earl
and that's kinda cool.
Makes me feel weird in my stomach, but I like it.
Is that why you wanna help him
- 'cause of that weird feeling in your stomach?
- I guess it is.
Hey, come on.
I cleaned all the junk off the couch.
I found a real big blanket
we can sit under.
How long you think
we need to be his friends?
- I'm not sure.
- I still don't like him, Earl.
I know, Randy.
I don't like him either.