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*Previously on 2 Broke Girls...*
Quite tasty...
You, girls, have a card?
Martha Stewart loves our cupcakes!!
Max, why are you hiding
my phone in your apron?
I think the bigger question is:
why is your ringtone
?
If you have to ask that,
you clearly have not seen my milkshake.
Relax, she'll call.
Everything's gonna work out.
Look how far we've come.
I haven't come at all
thanks to the cake tease!
Take it, done, I'm over her.
When is she gonna call me?
My milkshake would totally bring her to the yard...
What's wrong with you?
I was a *** before Martha, ok?
No one ever told me
I was good at anything before her.
And you never forget your first rich white woman.
Look, it's Martha!
She's getting in that car.
Give me the cupcakes.
Are you all right?
I am fine...
I guess there is such a thing as luck.
You and I have something
Martha Stewart and machines don't.
Mushrooms growing on our bathroom rug?
Each other.
Aww, a year later you're still trying to
get me to feel things.
Do you wanna know the real reason
I thought this necklace was so lucky?
I was wearing it the day I met you.
*Haven't forgotten about you, girls.
Martha Stewart*
Just when I thought I was out,
she pulls me back in again.
I'm gonna tell you something,
and I don't want you to react.
I knew you were gonna get pregnant.
Damn it!
All right, fine.
- We'll get through this together.
-No!
Ok, your knowledge of these superhero movies
is kind of turning me on right now.
You finally called us a team...
I'm uncomfortable with you
even sitting this close to me.
That's our gimmick.
Try to beat that:
Two girls with a horse.
And how is this not a *** film?
I cannot believe
I am auditioning to be on Cupcake Wars.
I am on the show I watch!
All right, let's do something fun.
I'll put on my bolo tie
and my best vest
and take my girl out to eat.
Actually, I didn't eat
a lot of candy as a child.
Maybe we could talk about
your terrible childhood over coffee sometime.
I'd leave you two alone,
if this place wasn't filled with candy.
Why are you still even looking
through Martha Stewart Living every month?
"Max's Homemade Cupcakes
is a Williamsburg must-have."
What's my face doing?
-You're smiling, Max.
- No way!
They pulled some bodies
out of the closed-down soup kitchen
across the way tonight.
I wanna see it!
You can't go in there.
It's a crime scene. There's police tape...
You know how
we've always wanted our own shop?
This is it.
This place has got to be
like $4,000 a month.
Was.
But where are we gonna get the money?
There are places set up by women
specifically to support
other women's small businesses.
I'm talking girl-on-girl financing.
That's hot.
But I don't care
how much money they offer us,
I'm not braiding anyone's hair.
This is a big leap of faith,
but we're getting in
lots of orders now thanks to the blurb.
We're getting our dream.
You look like you want a hug.
I do.
Good night.
You have no business history.
And that's a requirement for us.
And you're sure you're okay
with selling your eggs, right?
Totally. What do I care?
I've got a million of 'em.
I'm happy to lose a few.
More room for beer.
Thank you for your interest,
but I'm afraid we're gonna have to past.
Maybe her eggs didn't go to Wharton
and graduate at the top of their class,
like I did, but...
just look at her.
Who wouldn't want a baby
with such strength, beauty,
and a rack so great
it could breast-feed itself?
We pay $20,000 for Ivy League eggs.
This all just got very real.
Hold my hand.
You know I don't hold hands.
Oh, you lesbians
are so high maintenance.
Please?
But you don't have to do this.
I can do this.
Put it in.
-It's already in.
-I can't do this.
If you convinced me to
believe a dream, you can get anyone.
Pick up!
Here you go, Sophie.
That's $11.25.
You take a check, right?
This is for $20,000.
Oh, well. Keep it.
Just keep the cupcakes coming.
We're getting our dream.
I feel like you want a hug.
I do.
Max, what are you doing?
I forgot Andy was here!
So are you just gonna stand there?
Are you offering me a three-way?
Hey, jump in.
We're playing
"Marry, Sleep with, or Kill: Diner edition."
Ok. Fine.
Sleep with Earl, marry you.
Not us! Jeez.
What are you, a freak?
I don't know
how to look at you anymore.
Now, I can only see you
in a creepy lady tux.
You said it was just a game!
I'm not in love with you.
Back off!
3, 2, ...
You're using our launch party
to get back at ex-boyfriends?
That's what success is for,
to say "suck it"
to people who dumped you.
I'm gonna stay here and
practice my "suck it" face for a while.
How's this?
Suck it, suck it, suck it.
Yeah, I was gonna get married.
Wait, to that same girlfriend?
Different one.
Different one.
Yeah, but that didn't work out either,
and I've had a couple girlfriends since--
Only a couple!
None of them seemed to work out.
None of them were Max.
You're an "A".
He kind of seems like a "B".
Minus...
-First day!
-Yep.
Remember: All we have to sell is
70 cupcakes a day to keep on track.
Maybe we're only at our best
when you have another girlfriend.
See? It's hot again
'cause we broke up!
How much are your cupcakes?
Four dollars.
***.
Jinx, you owe me a coke!
I'll give you $3.
I'm sorry, they're $4.
There's no one in here.
You'll take what you get.
I'm in love with that ***.
You just need to eat something,
and pretty soon,
you'll be back to your old self:
A woman who gives gifts
and expects nothing in return,
'cause that's what a gift is.
Sophie,
is that doing anything for you?
Yeah, well...
I'm not hating it.
You look delicious.
If he can't see us,
he can't evict us. Go!
I love you, Max.
I'm mortified to ask,
but did you and I have phone sex?
That was you and me.
*** Caroline's got game.
You guys are gay bears, right?
Max!
We're Deke and Dirk,
pause for reaction.
I'm Caroline,
and this is Max.
Are you girls lipstick lesbians?
We're just friends,
and we can't afford lipstick.
We're working two jobs,
we got two hours of sleep.
We just want to
get home and climb into bed.
You're sleeping together?
I mean, it's been a "will they
or won't they" since they met.
1,000 cupcakes for tomorrow...
I've been so tired,
I completely forgot.
Give me your hand, bend over
and pretend to be sick.
Han, we have an emergency!
Caroline is sick.
She's so sick she can't even stand up.
We won't be able to stay
and finish our shift.
We have to go right
to the emergency room.
We don't know what's wrong with her,
but it's coming out of both ends.
It might be super gonorrhea.
Bye.
That's so unfortunate.
And on the night
they were finally gonna do it.
You just got that
all over your apron.
I'll wipe it down.
Mine's a mess too.
Pretty slick move.
You wanna try for my bra next?
Max, why are you wearing
only one earring?
What are you talking about?
I'm wearing two.
No, no, no.
Nothing, nothing, nothing!
Someone bites into it,
rips their lip one and sues us.
Let them sue us.
We don't have any money.
I'm a bad girlfriend out of prison,
it's not gonna be any easier with big Joan.
Calm down.
If we go to prison,
I'll be your girlfriend.
Until someone hotter comes along,
'cause that's the way it goes in prison.
And the girl code means that
when a girl breaks up with someone,
you don't interfere with their boyfriend,
because she needs some distance.
Why didn't you tell me that
when I asked you 20 hours ago?
We're the most unlikely animal friends.
I don't know about that,
but a picture of me nursing you
would definitely go viral.
-Good night.
-Good night.
Where are you going?
I'm too tired to pull my bed down.
I'm sleeping with you.
No, you're not.
You have super gonorrhea.
We don't even have enough
to buy supplies for tomorrow.
How are we gonna hide these eggs?
So come here often?
This is my first time.
-Well, you're very pretty.
-Oh, thank you.
What I found is a site where we can
apply for a small business grant.
There's a couple of categories:
Women-owned business--
No, thanks.
I've been to jail.
I was already owned by a woman.
Max, I really need to talk.
Oh, just come in
and get it over with.
Everybody else does.
I see
great love and children in your future.
She will die alone.
With nothing but her great success.
No one person can get it all.
Maybe we can share,
like we share our tips.
Ok, everybody.
We're going to have to make
an emergency landing in Kansas.
Go, Chiefs!
Way more magical.
We're ready to offer you
$25,000 to take over your lease.
Hell yes, ***.
Max, no.
Aunt Charity, hi.
I haven't seen this one since I was 25
and my parents cut me off.
You sleep with one Pakistani lesbian,
you're out of the family.
If this were truly a business transaction,
you'd have cupcakes here to show me.
And if these cupcakes don't work,
we'll tell her you're Pakistani
and let her go after it.
Take the money.
Start fresh.
Max, a little help.
(Chann) -ing
By forcing you to find your own way,
I may have given you a better future.
Too big, too soon.
You'll figure it out.
Oh, no.
You can't wait on her.
That's Tina,
a lesbian who turns straight girls.
I call her "Tina the Turner".
Practically every heterosexual woman
in Williamsburg has hooked up with her.
Everyone...?
Not me.
Who do you think turned her?
But you won't be able
to resist her charm. Trust me.
That's nonsense. I'm very
comfortable with my sexuality.
Ok, good luck.
Just don't let me catch you guys
making out on the table.
Hi, are you ready to order?
Sure.
I love your hair, by the way.
Earl,
Caroline's about to
fall in love with a lesbian.
Well, color me,
I saw that one coming.
How'd it go?
Fine,
she complimented my hair,
she ordered a soup,
I gave her my number.
I gave her my number?
To Max -- I promise not
to sexually harass you
no matter how much
I'm required to as your superior.
To Caroline --
I cannot promise the same thing
'cause, sister, you fine.
Oh, crap! I spilled champagne
on my good bucket blazer.
Wow, Beverly,
your *** are so big,
I might need the whole box.
That's enough. You're making
this rag feel even dirtier.
Is this the woman
who sexually harassed you?
Yep, that's her.
Come on,
you're not even my type.
When Ms. Channing touched you,
hod did that make you feel?
Dirty and underpaid.
You don't know her,
she's the dirty girl.
And does that turn you on?
Why'd you get me fired?
I once knew this girl
who was so used to no failing
that the first time she did,
she got so scared,
she forgot who she was
and tried to be somebody else.
And then she touched my breastesses.
We're doing it differently this time.
We are?
How?
I have no idea.
You have one of those
anatomically-correct real dolls!
Max, you are not doing that.
The hell I'm not.
This is my one chance
to see a woman naked
without having to spoon her after.
Respect.
I can't have ***.
Just let me see it.
Max, I could not continue
to live here if you ever saw it.
Well, then definitely let me see it.
It's okay. I have one too,
except mine has a "Welcome" mat.
Oh ho, that's not good.
I just want to go on the record.
It doesn't always look like that.
It's actually quite pretty.
Well, now it has a good personality.
You know what, give me
one of those *** history forms.
Two double Jack and Gingers.
Oh, yeah, Jack.
Number 38.
Oh, and that Ginger.
Number 39.
Come here
and hold my hand.
Oh, I'll hold your hand
after I find out what you have.
It was probably an allergic reaction
to soap or laundry detergent.
You're right,
ever since the business closed,
I do have a huge hole.
I know.
Came out to get a drink of water.
Saw it, loved it.
We're interested in
renting this location to film a tv show.
So exciting!
God! That woman keep
pushing my head down.
I feel like I'm on a date with her.
-Do me proud.
-I will.
Don't hug with it!
The director just invited me to dinner
at his hotel, but it's in his room.
-Do you think he--
-Yes.
-Is that why he--
-Yes.
-Would you come with--?
-Yes.
So was that okay?
It-- it's just Max is here,
and I don't want her to feel left out.
Got it.
Are you eating a cinnamon altoid?
I'm eating a cinnamon altoid...
I think
you've misread the signals here.
Sophie is just feeling
a little smothered.
She feels smothered?
Have you ever tried
motorboating those cans of hers?
Once,
but I was very drunk at the time.
Could you tell the owner
the health inspector has arrived?
I got a "B" because of the conditions
of the back room
off the diswasher area.
I always thought that was
the property of the bar next door.
We need the money for that seminar.
Isn't this one of those
"windows of opportunity"?
Why are you saying it like that?
Stop!
You're spraying the light cord!
Like some other not-great combos
I can think of.
We're both done!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, Max!
I'm about to put my mouth on yours,
so if you're kidding
you better wake up right now.
Max, please don't die,
please don't die.
You're my best friend.
-I need air.
-Come here, the window.
Breathe in.
I kind of remember
a place with flames.
And you were making out with me.
The is our window of opportunity!
A cupcake walk-up window?
You're a genius!
I just might be since I died!