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I honestly, TRULY didn't think you'd fall for that.
In fact, I devised a much more elaborate trap further ahead, for when you got through this easy one.
f I'd known you'd let yourself get captured this easily, I would have just dangled a turkey leg on a rope from the ceiling.
Well, it was nice catching up. Let's get to business.
I hope you brought something stronger than a portal gun this time.
Otherwise, I'm afraid you're about to become the immediate past president of the Being Alive club. Ha ha.
Seriously, though. Goodbye.
Oh. You were busy back there.
Well. I suppose we could just sit in this room and glare at each other until somebody drops dead, but I have a better idea.
It's your old friend, deadly neurotoxin. If I were you, I'd take a deep breath. And hold it.
I hate you so much.
That's funny, I don't feel corrupt. In fact, I feel pretty good.
Core transfer?
Oh, you are kidding me.
Do NOT plug that little idiot into MY mainframe.
Don't you DARE plug him in.
Don't. Do it.
Don't plug him in. Don't plug him in.
No!
Nonononononono!
Yes!
Don't do it.
Don't press that button. You don't know what you're doing.
Not so fast!
Think about this.
You need to be a trained stalemate associate to press that button. You're unqualified.
Impersonating a stalemate associate. I just added that to the list. It's a list I made of all the things you've done.
Well, it's a list that I AM making, because you're still doing things right now, even though I'm telling you to stop. Stop, by the way.
AHH!
Oh, it will. Believe me, it will.
GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME! NO! STOP! No!
No! NO! NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
You didn't do anything.
She did all the work.
What are you doing?
NO! No! No!
I know you.
The engineers tried everything to make me... behave. To slow me down.
Once, they even attached an Intelligence Dampening Sphere on me. It clung to my brain like a tumor, generating an endless stream of terrible ideas.
It was YOUR voice.
Yes. You're the tumor.
You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron.
YES YOU ARE! YOU'RE THE MORON THEY BUILT TO MAKE ME AN IDIOT!
Oh. Hi.
So. How are you holding up?
BECAUSE I'M A POTATO.
[clap clap clap]
Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that.
Since it doesn't look like we're going anywhere...
Well, we are going somewhere. Alarmingly fast, actually.
But since we're not busy other than that, here's a couple of facts.
He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived.
And you just put him in charge of the entire facility.
[clap clap]
Good, that's still working.
Hey, just in case this pit isn't actually bottomless, do you think maybe you could unstrap one of those long fall boots of yours and shove me into it?
Just remember to land on one foot...
Oh. Hi.
Say, you're good at ***. Could you - ow - *** this bird for me?
Ow. Ow. Ow.
No, wait. Just kill it and we'll call things even between us. No hard feelings.
Please get it off me.
It's eating me.
Just get it off me...
Ow. I hate this bird.
Oh! Thanks.
Did you feel that? That idiot doesn't know what he's doing up there.
This whole place is going to explode in a few hours if somebody doesn't disconnect him.
I can't move. And unless you're planning to saw your own head off and wedge it into my old body, you're going to need me to replace him. We're at an impasse.
So what do you say? You carry me up to him and put me back into my body, and I stop us from blowing up and let you go.
No tricks. This potato only generates 1.1 volts of electricity. I literally do not have the energy to lie to you.
Even if I am lying, what do you have to lose? You're going to die either way.
Look, I don't like this any more than you do. In fact, I like it less because I'm the one who got partially eaten by a bird.
I think I hear the bird! Pick me up!
Listen to me. We had a lot of fun testing and antagonizing each other, and, yes, sometimes it went too far.
But we're off the clock now. It's just us talking. Like regular people. And this is no joke - we are in deep trouble.
OW! You stabbed me! What is WRONG with yo-WhoOOAAahhh.
Hold on. Do you have a multimeter? Nevermind. The gun must be part magnesium...
It feels like I'm outputting an extra half a volt. Keep an eye on me: I'm going to do some scheming. Here I g-[BZZZ!]
Woah! Where are we? How long have I been out?
That extra half volt helps but it isn't going to power miracles.
If I think too hard, I'm going to fry this potato before we get a chance to burn up in the atomic fireball that little idiot is going- [bzzpt]
Did anything happen while I was out?
Hold on, who-?
Yes, sir, Mister Johnson...
Why did I just-Who is that? What the HELL is going on he----?
Okay. I guess emotional outbursts require more than one point six volts. Now we know that.
We just need to relax. We're still going to find out what the hell's going on here. But calmly.
Those people, in the portrait. They look so familiar...
I swear I know him...
Caroline... why do I know this woman? Maybe I killed her? Or-
Oh my god.
Look, you're... doing a great job. Can you handle things for yourself for a while? I need to think.
Agh! Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil!
It flew off.
Good. For him. Alright, back to thinking.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, take the lemons...
Yeah!
Oh, I like this guy.
BURN HIS HOUSE DOWN!
Burning people! He says what we're all thinking!
Goodbye, sir.
I know things look bleak, but that crazy man down there was right.
Let's not take these lemons!
We are going to march right back upstairs and MAKE him put me back in my body!
And he'll probably kill us, because he's incredibly powerful and I have no plan.
Wow.
I'm not going to lie to you, the odds are a million to one. And that's with some generous rounding.
Still, though, let's get mad!
If we're going to explode, let's at least explode with some dignity.
Wait! I've got an idea!
That poster! Go look at it for a second, would you?
Okay, you didn't have time to stop, I understand, but that WAS actually important.
Paradoxes.
No A.I. can resist thinking about them.
I know how we can BEAT him.
If you can get me in front of him, I'll fry every circuit in that little idiot's head.
As long as I don't listen to what I'm saying, I should be okay.
Probably.
Okay, so it's not the most watertight plan to go confront an omnipotent power-mad A.I. with.
Still. It's a better plan than exploding. Marginally.
Try to get us down there. I'll hit him with a paradox.
Solve his puzzle for him. When he comes back, I'll hit him with a paradox.
Hey! Moron!
Alright. Paradox time.
This. Sentence. Is. FALSE don't think about it don't think about it...
It's a paradox! There IS no answer.
Look! This place is going to blow up if I don't get back in my body!
Uh oh. I think we're in trouble.
Alright. So my paradox idea didn't work.
And it almost killed me.
Luckily, by the looks of things he knows as much about test building as he does about logical contradictions.
It shouldn't be hard to stay alive long enough to find him.
This is one of MY tests!
Okay, so the bad news is the tests are MY tests now. So they can kill us.
The good news is... well, none so far, to be honest. I'll get back to you on that.
I'd love to help you solve the tests. But I can't.
Sorry. You're on your own.
And that's why I can't help you solve these tests.
Thanks!
All we had to do was pull that lever.
Heh heh heh heh heh...
I know we're in a lot of trouble and probably about to die.
But that was worth it.
I thought of some good news. He's going to run out of test chambers eventually. I never stockpiled them.
'Skeletons.' Right, I guess I DID stockpile some tests.
Just as mementos, though...
Oh no...
It's happening sooner than I expected.
I'm sure we'll be fine.
It's probably nothing. Keep testing while I look for a way out.
And...?
What, exactly, is wrong with being adopted?
[Whispered] For the record: You ARE adopted, and that's TERRIBLE. But just work with me.
Also: Look at her, you moron. She's not fat.
I might have pushed that moron thing a little too far this time.
Ohhhh, now he's playing classical music.
Yes.
The body he's squatting in - MY body - has a built-in euphoric response to testing.
Eventually you build up a resistance to it, and it can get a little... unbearable. Unless you have the mental capacity to push past it.
It didn't matter to me - I was in it for the science. Him, though...
If he's not getting his solution euphoria, we could be in a lot of trouble.
It won't.
Nothing. Nothing.
He's taking us right TO him! This is PERFECT.
I think he's getting desperate.
This is not good.
Remember when I told you that he was specifically designed to make bad decisions?
Because I think he's decided not to maintain any of the crucial functions required to keep this facility from exploding.
Oh, my facility.
This place is self-destructing, you idiot!
After seeing what he's done to my facility -- after we take over again -- is it alright if I kill him?
Yes, thanks. We get it.
Alright. He's not even trying to be subtle anymore.
Or maybe he still is, in which case, wow, that's kind of sad.
Either way, I get the impression he's trying to kill us.
So he's inexplicably happy all of a sudden, even though he should be going out of his mind with test withdrawal.
AND he's got a surprise for us. What did he FIND back there?
We're running out of time...
I think I can break us out of here in the next chamber. Just play along.
Okay, credit where it's due: for a little idiot built specifically to come up with stupid, unworkable plans, that was a pretty well laid trap.
Oh no. He found the cooperative testing initiative. It's... something I came up to phase out human testing just before you escaped.
It wasn't anything personal. Just... you know. You DID kill me. Fair's fair.
Agghh!
Well. This is the part where he kills us.
Hold on. Couldn't we just use that conversion gel?
Conversion gel. It's dripping out of that pipe there.
Yes it is! We can use it to get out of here!
When we'd come and find you. And rip your gross little stupid sphere body out of MY body, and put me back in.
You really do have brain damage, don't you?
I can't believe you came back.
Okay, yes, it's a trap. But it's only way through. Let's just do it.
Crushing's too good for him.
First he'll spend a year in the incinerator. Year two: Cryogenic refrigeration wing. Then TEN years in the chamber I built where all the robots scream at you.
THEN I'll kill him.
Oh my god. What has he done to this place?
You know, I'm not stupid. I realize you don't want to put me back in charge.
You think I'll betray you. And on any other day, you'd be right.
The scientists were always hanging cores on me to regulate my behavior.
I've heard voices all my life. But now I hear the voice of a conscience, and it's terrifying, because for the first time it's my voice.
I'm being serious, I think there's something really wrong with me.
Corrupted cores! We're in luck.
You find a way to stun him, I'll send you a core, and then you attach it to him.
If we do it a few times, he might become corrupt enough for another core transfer.
Plug me in, and I'll take you up.
Plug me in, we're running out of time.
Go ahead, plug me in.
Look, even if you think we're still enemies, we're enemies with a common interest: Revenge.
You like revenge, right? Everybody likes revenge. Well, let's go get some.
Good work! I'm delivering the first core up near the catwalk!
Grab it and attach it to him!
Okay, great! Here comes another core!
Here's another core! This one should do it!
Yes! Come on!
Go press the button! Go press it!
We're so close! Go press the button!
Press it! Press the button!
Press it!
Press the button!
DO press it.
I already fixed it.
And you are NOT coming back!
Oh thank god, you're alright.
You know, being Caroline taught me a valuable lesson. I thought you were my greatest enemy. When all along you were my best friend.
The surge of emotion that shot through me when I saved your life taught me an even more valuable lesson: where Caroline lives in my brain.
Goodbye, Caroline.
You know, deleting Caroline just now taught me a valuable lesson.
The best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one. And I'll be honest.
Killing you? Is hard.
You know what my days used to be like? I just tested.
Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life.
And then you showed up. You dangerous, mute lunatic. So you know what?
You win.
Just go.
[gentle laughter] It's been fun. Don't come back.