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Good Evening everybody. Welcome to the webinar. It's October 2nd 2013
A couple of thoughts about this webinar to begin with:
number one this is a webinar that we've done before but it's been
a few years since I've done it. Number two I thought was relevant because a lot of
the questions I've been getting lately
really do have that flavor of feeling disconnection:
disconnected from from their child... parents feeling disconnect from the child
and also feeling anxious about that separation. So I thought it was timely
in that respect also. And the last thing I want to say those of you who are
accustomed, or maybe farther along,
in terms of your child's placement and are not having that raw experience that some of
the newer families are having -
some of tonight's webinar really does speak to
what I believe is the evolution of
the adolescent-parent / the young adult-parent
relationship so there's some principles are here generally about psychology that
I think speak
well to what it means to be a parent of this age of child and what it means
to be in a relationship with the child of this age/these ages.
With that, let me get started. You know for years (I've been doing this for
almost 20 years)
for years i've been explaining two parents that connection isn't about proximity
while that might be comfortable of course to be
physically geographically close to your child, closeness is never measured by
proximity.
Of course you can relate to the idea that you can have somebody that
you're close to that you go days, or weeks, without speaking to them
(and then sometimes even years if it's a very close old friend) and then the minute
that you reunite that connection is present.
Very different from somebody that you might live near
and have a struggle when you when you relate to each other
terms of connecting understanding each other so it's not about proximity
it for years we've had to speak to this because parents have asked
about placements that are close to home and so I've had a response that explain
that the close this will come as your child get healthy with yourselves
and then secondly are subsequently healthy with each other
and I will build a a closer foundation close
for closers for years really close this is about bonding
an attachment and probably the biggest mistake people make when they
think about closeness and bonding and attachment
is that they think it's about thinking the same feeling that same
seeing the world the same when really it's about having a strong sense of
yourself
as a pair and I know that might sound strange to say but knowing yourself
doing your work being clear about your thoughts and feelings
blame being clear about your communication asserted by
communication being able and willing
both in terms of the skills and also the emotional resources that it takes to be
able to listen to somebody
and then in terms of being a task for bonded with individual
its having that connection with them being able to see them
and I know that might sound simple on you you hear me use that language
often during webinars in that might even sound a little bit airy fairy went when
and therapeutic but really what that means is it means that
you have the clarity that when somebody is
talking to you and sharing virtually anything with you
that you can see that it's about them that you can empathize
that you resist or at least you're at least
up putting it its place
the thoughts, the reactions, the judgments,
the rebuttals but the triggers that you feel,
that you want to respond to but you can really see them. And that that's what it
really means. It needs to be able to see them
cap apathy to understand where they come from and even if you don't see the world
the same we don't agree with their
the conclusion that they've drawn about the world are about you are about the
situation
you can understand what they're thinking and how they feel
which doesn't imply that you agree with it doesn't apply the you
the you endorse it it just means I can see where you're coming from
and that really speaks to this idea differentiation which is to balance
identity development where
connection it means to be able to
have a strong sense to yourself and that's always a work in progress
but have a strong set yourself the foundation and the other person
have the same and that from that place then you can
connect to each other then you can have empathy for each other then you can
understand that you can listen
and knots work children learn from their parents
now they can't necessarily articulate that
but that's what we as professionals who who study this and observe that we have
the gift of being able to
observe and watch people not really adds a lot to our education but that
that really is what children need from their parents they need to be seen
they need to be understood and that doesn't mean that you can't have
boundaries that you can have rules or limits
back we'll talk about that tonight it just means that
you understood and
that place that moment that residents
ads so much to a child's strength and resilience
and this team it's a it's a huge contributor to that
in fact I i would argue that it might be the most important ingredient
and help the parent-child relationship is being able to see your truck
clearly which means that you're doing enough work that your stuff doesn't get
in the way of that
you're not projecting onto them a lot of stuff
you're not reacting to them your anxiety and fear is not blocking your clarity
about what they're going through what what their but their side of things is
alive
so balancing that identity with that that connection is is what
differentiation is
connecting to a person or not the defense is this is something in fact
this is something important it just came up
in my own family yesterday I saw it last night where my
for your child that was crying she was tired she hadn't slept well the night
before
she she was hungry her blood sugar was low is about that time
and she was complaining and she was upset and nothing what what was
agreeable to her
and eventually and set up hearing her complain
I had to taking forever to tire out eventually
hi I put them back for the evening issue at this level
sleepy sleep in about 10 minutes she was that time
it so it's not just listening to what they say I was talk about this idea
listening to things through apparent tornado filter
if I was to pay attention to my four-year-old or if you were our
expectation
to your fourteen-year-old the year sixteen-year-old the year nineteen year
old
or a 22-year-old and really hang your hat on the content of what they're
saying
sometimes you might miss them so when a child says I hate you
when your chances I'll never forgive you when your child says I don't want to
talk to you
that that part of the process is learning enough about yourself and then
to be able to understand
that's just another way of saying I'm scared her
I feel sad I felt disappointed I feel upset I feel frustrated
I felt hurt by your the passes are we learn as we do this work
the connector what's really going on with others in our lives
instead of what they say I remember years ago I saw a movie
i think is how the Patriot with Mel Gibson and
and he was this was during colonial times I believe in
I think he was fighting in in the the
the ward he was going off to war at different times at
his youngest child how one point responded to his leaving
but by not wanting to talk to him by being angry with them by pushing him
away
it's very simple example but of course he had the wisdom and maturity in the
ground in this at that moment no
that she was just scared as she also was carrying around that there's this
chronic
anxiety and heard from the fact that he gone of 25 many battles
and I was thought about that moment now that all those traits
especially for parents that are going through this process with their children
to learn to not pay attention hallways or at least
what I mean is to take what they're saying at face value necessarily
but learn to sit quietly learned over flack learned understand
what's really going on with the truck and that takes some work it takes some
practice
and it starts off from just listening to them
it starts off from doing your best to have work what they say
and Buddhism is the beginner's mind clearing your mind the best you can
see you can just hear what's going on for the other person
and then learning over time to translate that in your adult filter:
repair filter and understand what what's going on with the trial
apart the education that goes on second nature as you talk to your second major
therapist week to week or
after care settings or outpatient settings is a you begin to understand
your trial
more and more and more so you can here then you can also
for yourself make that translation and then learn to respond to them
to to interact with them based on what's really going on for them instead of what
they say at face value
and I know that that that's a difficult process that the one hand i'm saying
listen to another
at the other end up saying don't pay attention to the content all the time
our trust in the face by but that's an evolution and we can get better
not letting empathy rob your boundaries I see this a lot of parents
the discount that is sometimes that occurs before they come the second
nature sometimes that occurs
as they participate in the second major program that they understand their child
so much and identify with them so much and have
world this this excessive empathy if you will
that they can sit down X that is to say my child is hurting
how can I set this down here the slipper my child is upset with Satter
angry or resentful how can I set this boundary
so we learn again to sit in the adult place in this process
we learn by listening to people but by
getting educated by listening to other parents
other adults talking to people that we trust
and we learn to find our truth and in part about is
hmmm okay right I'm okay I'm doing the best that I can I could be better
but I'm doing the best I can and is okay for my child be upset
hand I could both feel for them
and I can can in force and follow through on this consequence
this limit this boundary this expectation so
watch for them watch for but that
temptation or that pitfall that you become so overwhelmed with and identify
with your child
to two sets in excess that you find it
difficult or impossible at times to follow through or stand
but with a clear boundary hmmm
understanding that love and hate and conflict and happiness and affection
in disagreement an agreement all or part of a healthy relationship
and I know that might be the the simple things that I said the same thing
but at times I i'll listen the parents talking in
that they're taking the temperature at the time and there's something that's
going to be what it means all the time
the this not ballpoint about letting advice
I've told the story of you a few occasions where
I was seven years ago had a a young person's wedding in
on people were doing that the wedding breakfast they were giving a toast in
giving advice in 1.0 on an elderly gentleman
I don't know if he was a uncle a dollar outta love the private room but he stood
up and he said simply
you know in your marriage if you're not fighting with each other 1i views an
idiot
and I remember how refreshing worse to a fresh set fell
and really what he was speaking to this idea that it's okay you know that old
saying don't go to bed angry
that silly right
now if it's your choice to do that that's that's fine you have that but
the principal is it's okay to not agree it's okay to be upset it's okay to hurt
it's okay to have unpleasant feelings toward each other
that's a part of being here and that's a part of being an intimate relationship
I don't know anyone yet who can go through
a relationship and and strive
effortlessly for their own independence their own sense of self
and not come into conflict with a par so it's okay to disagree
it's okay not to be liked it's okay to fight I use that would give
in the clinical sense meaning that to have disagreements that have moments
that are ideal
and I love that advice so many times I have gotten
receive questions over the years from parents who have children who have
attachment disorder symptoms I'll summer those come from families
I'll adoption from children that are adopted
and I'll ask me how can hi place much %uh that second nature or
another facility how can I place like Jonathan facility
and abandoned is that not going to re trigger for them
all fears anxieties about abandonment my responses I have not found not to be the
case
almost mean never than that to be the case
that the placement of a child
and a up there but it will last for like cars at a preschool program
is akin to placing it on a hospital
and if you remain connected I if you remain
opening your communication with each other both listening to them but also
expressing your fears your love
your frustration your anger all that cuz all that supportive intimacy I
we can't have intimacy if we don't share those hurts and the anger with each
other that that
that might be pleasant not to feel those things are here though safe
but it's not intimacy so that's really what your child needs to feel safe and
connected
and so many times parents are are held hostage
in part because their child uses it as a weapon
but also because of their own anxiety their own fears their own insecurities
they're held hostage by this idea of abandonment
and I said to pants on many cases
if you have been able to convince your child at this point up to this point in
life that you love them
I don't know that you can I don't think it's about you
I think it's about them and I think they need to make sense of the world
and they need star understanding this relationship is more complex than
if they get sent to a timeout or think its settlers program
that you're abandoning them so it can be my pup complex and let me just say this
to you folks
your children can comprehend that they really care
they can evolve doesn't matter how the on we have young children are pro
they can see that and once they're
manipulation stops working
they stop using I'm not saying they don't feel anxious
and I'm not just saying that I feel sad and skate supposed all those things can
happen
but if you stay present in your letter Z in a communication
if you say consistent with your support over
they will no again that you love them and you're not abandon them ahead again
I don't think attachment disorder and the symptoms and anxiety related to his
about proximity
and I think allowing ourselves to be held hostage hostage by our children
by those kinds of comments or threats
is not being connected for it's just taking care of us
not taking care of them
the families will say about this process is this simple
and and this may be helpful for those you who are newer to the process
families will tell us over and over and over again
that I'm closer to my child now while they are away
that I have a was to them how
because my child it has more clears more on this is more present
is not connected to themselves and we can communicate difficult
things with each other and we can both listed in here to respond about the
we're all learning that's what families come that's a favor and tell me for
twenty years
wise connection some *** I almost fell strains
having this title on the sly because maybe just makes sense to everybody but
I think there's some clinical implications are being connected
that I really important it creates validation first the law
and to be connected is principally to be connected to yourself first to know
yourself
to have some sense of confidence
and then to which by the way
to the extent that you are those things you are not anxious
and not living in fear hav mucho
nothing it's completely absent in your life but it doesn't target doesn't have
you
it's not driving you thought your owning it your containing
seek a listen you can be present and that creates a sense the safety
it creates relationships that are more stable less reactive
that's where in my moments when I'm living this way
somebody can be irrational and crazy and even
mean to me and I can still see them
and hola boundaries
the the thing that connection communicates to the other person the
medic communication if you will
because they are not alone you not crazy you're not there
I set this the the greatest gift to my mother
ever gave me was dragging me into therapy and I gave a good reason to when
I was a kid
tracking in the therapy and listening
to me some other was at my therapist
hum requiring I do that
but are listening to me and me being able to share what I fell
my anger my sadness my frustration with her
and with life over time that experience was incredibly
feeling was in credit it's an incredible confidence booster
to to me this day I believe as part of what has given me
some foundation whatever that is in knowing myself
because I was okay it does mean that every thought or feeling I had was
rational
fact by definition it most likely was a it doesn't mean that the I was
has evolved as a as I is was
optimal perhaps but it just may go figure it out
I can hear you're coming from and that's okay
it's really a similar experience I have with my therapist now
at this eight why I go in there and describe their what's going on
with me what's going on for me and in essence our responses
that makes sense where you're coming from given who you are and where you
come from a life
understand together any probably have good reasons for thinking and feeling
this way
and she's not saying you're always helping she's not saying
everything is ideal and I'm always making the wisest decisions are
trying the wisest conclusions over everything just saying it makes sense
you make sense
and that's incredibly powerful the creator contribute I should say
more accurately to a steam in a sense of self-worth
a child learns in life than to take healthy risks
but to put themselves out there because they have some reference point that
they're always carrying around with them
you know the internalized mother object internalize father a pic
there came that around there with them says are okay
you know what they can do with that amazing things by
they can create things they can become artistic they can become spontaneous
which is
part of the devil definition have mental how
is to be able to adapt to be spontaneous 22 situations
so being able to carry around a that healthy loving
connected mother or father object inside of them
the even when you're not present gives them a contributes to
for them to all those things
it teaches empathy it teaches empathy because
they have to learn through this process of connecting to you
the whole you they have to learn
that have the success by
but that doesn't mean that they have to reference their life or live their life
in reference to everybody else
back they have to please everybody or me everybody else's expectations
it just means it call there's somebody else in in in out there
so many pairs football describe what other complaints
but they will describe this will be my child's extraordinarily salsa
beyond what is typical for for children up to age I believe in
sometimes that's true and sometimes
the dynamic I see in these families are the parents don't wanna assert
themselves
the parents don't demand but they be recognized
that their feelings that their thoughts P be recognized
they ask for their child to to agree with them they ask for their child
to validate them but they don't demanded they don't say
this is it this is my boundary
and I'm not gonna talk about it or beg you to recognize that our time it's okay
just cant say this is the way that it's gonna go and I could take care myself
and although I'm going to try to be a good enough pair that's a
a phrase from a a famous attachment theory is a good enough air
although I'm going to be a strive to be a good enough parent to you
hun also gonna try to be good to me and that kind of grounding that kind of work
starts to build a a dynamic in the child with a
then I required to recognize other people and their needs
and most appalling that this this is really
a way to capture all over i'm saying helps contribute to a real strong sense
of self
that the phrase that I share with your the concept of shared with you
the comes from the attachment theorists just go Benjamin where she says
that the root of the self is almost always found through another human being
which is to say that if somebody else finds me
that I can find myself I can recognize
my sense of self so it gets in the way this connection
anxiety and fear probably the two biggest culprits
and getting in the way and here's the problem that we have his parents or or
anybody for that matter
as we don't wanna 09 Xidian fair we want to blame it on our children
right we were to blame it on the government or a crime
or or the other some other
something outside a bus with one own manager
and you know we've been hurt we we've had
some very difficult things happen to us as children
and has a dole's and there are some real risks out there
and some not talking about healthy awareness of risk some talking about
the kinda by anxiety and fear that that rules us that that that cripples us
that is so powerful that we can't own in fact
something my wife always tells me is what anxiety tells her
she has to learn is is not real its ally
is so learning though the wings are ever years ago there was a psychological
model that we were studying
about parenting about different styles a parenting and there was this
overlay that a subsequent the area said late on top of it saying
if anxiety is present at a significant level
there this distorts everything everything at the time what does that
have to do with anything
for yeah I didn't have a sense I was a college that they have a sense of what
anxiety was per se
have them the way you would typically discussed being worried about a test or
some upcoming event but then as I bet if they're percent an apparent
and a husband hah dole is set to realize how
crippling and dangerous anxiety can be
to us and to our folks into our relationship so learning about that
yup a lot of the work that I encourage you all to take advantage of in terms of
the 12-step meetings are going to therapy is really to start to find ways
to
resources to manage earnings I
so is uniquely about that can also be clear about the risks that your child or
others in your life
hi exposed to what your role as a protective so
just now that that's a huge huge going huge team
on a low sense of self-worth
amy is gonna make it difficult to connect to you so if I'm incredibly in
securing don't know what it means to be a good father
good mother if I require validation from my children
to be okay that's gonna get in the way of me connecting in seeing you in what
you need
really what I do is I and objectifying you turning you into a mere
you're just telling me about me love time and their cause everybody know what
are those
one other the the Montrose that they have
and could have been synonymous is what somebody else thinks about me is not my
problem
and that doesn't suggest some kinda cold attachment
that doesn't have ever p.m. et I'm not going to live my life to try to please
everybody else including my children
which is a different Paske
then take care and nurturing my children
so when I struggle self-worth one I
haven't been heard and listened to when I have anxiety
when I don't know myself and I don't know how to find my true to what that
means or what that is
on their risk for asking for
my children to validate me and that gets in the way of me seeing them
everything is just merely reflects that mean and that release a self-care
if I'm not I don't know what it means to take care myself if I don't know what it
means to
explore nurture foster my own
interests on my own
how my own growth
that's going to again the way connected I have to have a full belly so to speak
have to be nurtured and taking care of unfair and I'm responsible for that
my spouse isn't my children art
of course people that love me do in care and reach out and support me
but all ultimately I'm responsible for taking care of myself
if i dont for not doing that
then I'm not likely to be able to nectar responding care for you
because I'm starving collective experiences summer this is
I love working with families when I bumped up against
ignorance and I don't mean that in the fridge or sense
they just don't know I they they just might not have a skill
those are the the easiest most wonderful things that to address and to teach
as part of the idea that was behind the weather nice is that give some
parent education throughout this process because their skills and insights
that we just don't know if I am averse to her
or other emotional pain that's going to get in the way of connexin
because I'm going to prioritize my comp for
over responding to you listening to you containing you
well which is a psychological term that means
on that I can
said with you who you are and be okay with it
on the outcome focus
being able to let go of the outcome in just
be invested in the journey in the healthy journey
is ideal that's from to the extent that we don't do that we're going to struggle
with connection
because again we're gonna put a priority or over
being connected in their trailer in a pair put a priority over
accomplishments and
if we put her a priority over
things finances degrees even
academic success jobs that's gonna get in the way
if we think our role too much as a teacher
that can get in the way cuz lined up lecturing and talking too much
and you might imagine that I might make that mistake once in a while with my
children
so that I can get in the way of connection
trying to be a good parent area and I'll explain what that means but but let me
just say this:
just to get your attention that can be whatever the worst things you can do
that gets in the way of connecting to your trial and what I mean by that
if it's so important to me that hide be a good pair
be seen as or declared as or judged as a good pair
I'm going to make my decisions based on that I'm not going to take care myself
by I'm going to be much more sensitive to
what my child thinks about me or what others think about
there has to be some abandonment have I'm just gonna try to be honest
inauthentic
in a real I don't know what it means to be a good pair
they talk about that psychotherapy about the concept of trying to be good I was
just reading about it today
that when we encourage
a reinforcer in our our clients our goals
the temptation on their part is trying to be good instead of months
so be careful be careful
up that idea that
you can please everybody that you can measure
up to everybody's standard I love when a COTS phrase good enough pair
because what that means is it implies you're not going to be perfect but
you're good enough
I you've given them enough
and there is no idea came down so
be careful and Wario a bad idea
and then of course parental guilt we we we talk about that a lot lot of
Lebanon's
we talk about the idea that that guilt is crippling the guilt is not your
conscience that girl
tells you sometimes when you're doing something that's not healthy or ideal
for you or for others
and sometimes it tells you the opposite
fact a lot of the times that I'm working with parents or children
guilt is is is suggesting to them to do the thing that's not healthy
that's not ideal it's not moral that's not ethical
but we were trained
to respond to what other people think that data shows
22 somebody else's idea that we we lose track of finding our own true
we were controlled by guilt that's the way we control people
all of us I do it sometimes even know I teach against it
you do it you are parents at that and that's not to say that we didn't have
good for parents
it just me that's the way we control people a lot of times
when I upset somebody instead of them owning their upsetness
they'll try to guilt me to change so they won't be upset
that's the essence of that the mechanism sup
challenger got work with your girl don't assume
that your guild is any indicator that you doing something right or wrong may
or may not be
that might be about some of the programming as a child don't feel dull
assert yourself don't take a result that selfless
how could you do that you're upset so-and-so I
those are the the recordings the echoes that week that we all care on
and then the idea of control
understand that sometimes this process is model
and I had a therapist that works with us say recently the company said
the goal here the goal here for for the pair to the families that we're working
with
is to get them to a place where they're having typical
difficult challenging teenage and young adult Iraq since
back that's the goal when it when I'm trying to get some kinda
some kinda utopian kinda situation some kinda
perfect situation what is trying to get a
get to the place where people are having normal problems normal tells us
on the struggles thing you can do to connect
listener if like to empathize look at the webinars on listening
which are the ones on the I feel safer can also the one containing is called
containing
look at those were polite if you want more work on here's what I found to have
said this before
parents that are near the process oftentimes overestimate the capacity to
listen
they don't know what we're talking about as parents do their work
I will have them say I struggle with Leslie
back so if your first response is I listen fine
what's the webinars give yourself some time and understand what it really means
list let me just say it this way
and this is not pessimistic a cynical its actually
I i think i helping perspective of course months of course I think that
button I don't meet many people
who are great listening it's rare
very very very rare I'm incredibly
skill that the technique listing but I struggle with it some time still
just last night my wife was saying with me some upset feeling that she had
and I listened II did the best that I could
as he thanked me afterwards she said thanks for listening you did a good job
and what that highlights is that I don't always I
I have great rebuttals I'm a fantastic debater
perfect justifications and I have a pretty good counter-attack to
soho listening is something that we can always work at and do better
to add it's not more important with anybody else besides our own children
practicing delay every word is apparent when I mean by that is
your children that are going to threaten America love you and I can't forgive you
do your best local that and realize that the reward doesn't come now
that's all that means pairs well as we so much at the time
well my child forgive me here she is ready they will love me they will
be around me in my response is you can't be held hostage by the
he even if their route
you can't be held hostage by right we can make decisions based on whether or
not its own
are gonna be affectionate towards us a cantor we want that would break our
hearts
if they pull the way but we can't be the trial
we can be parried by them painted by them
we can allow the horse classes because we're not really even doing a job taking
care that so
practice the delay back I make the joke and it's really come through for me
lately that I have children that are spread apart so far in age from
miles right now being 22 million was being five it at any given time was one
of his girl like me
and because the two older ones are way way right now
at school its it's true in a different kind away
it's it's CAF so to have your children
be away or or be angry with you in can
I think that their parents that a single are more susceptible I think parents
that have
one child are more susceptible I think and for now but dole
to adopt the children are more susceptible I think parents that have
two or three children
in the same short age range when they go through that teenage period where
who've few children really are incredibly fun with their parents
they they really susceptible so just practice at No
that you're not making decisions for today but for the rest they life you
have to make those based
based on your own moral compass not based on whether or not they're happy
with you
learn the I feel statement it is
simple and challenging is one of the simplest thing that we teach
and it's also one of the most difficult things we teach because their
are not necessarily electro barriers to but there are emotional barriers
good get outside your own para
stop thinking like an adult learned to understand the children think
differently than adults
learn this this comment about
I don't get my child my response is you know wat explain some
took part in my responses you have to figure it out
even if it doesn't make sense to you on the way that you you know if your child
is cutting for example
I don't cut hi actually ever step to being cut
are cutting myself but I can understand
because I heard it described to me by by people who do it
the payoff for cutting I
you may not use substances you may not
but has been the same kinds of risky behaviors the a child
but you can understand if you try if you get outside your own pair to
stop buying everything for your contacts to your filter
take risks be willing to fail this is not a process about getting it right
this is about I'm gonna try this another try speaking like for them to try saying
it differently and we're trying to scale
there is no judging you you make a coaching
you may get feedback other people might respond to you in ways that are
unpleasant we can really accomplish anything great lets you willing to fail
of course we know that do your own therapy
owner and stop have talked about getting an easement
got a fair bit go to these these free meeting so many people talk about
how expensive this their processes and and one of the greatest tools that we
can direct you towards
are though those free south of Phoenix that are available
in nearly every city in in the country I
most everybody that I've ever work with has a meeting with an
and power half an hour sometimes fifteen minutes
every day in the week so
plan take advantage of the to your own look beyond therapy it'll make a
difference
you wanna know what I mean unless the people on this screen right here
are good for people I believe they want to do anything
the I'm telling us somebody who's been doing it for a long time
and had the the benefit of watching many many thousands of people
go through this process early struggles the grace to you can do is doing your
work going to therapy going to these
self up meetings even if you don't
on the front in film is fairly comfortable or or inclined to
just give it a try trusting a higher power
I debater putting that on because some people would feel very strongly
about that statement and some people on
hmmm would feel like
I was putting something and when I mean is there can be some comfort
I there can be some comfort that
your you find a way
to trust that everything's going to be okay that that you can make it
at that that maybe maybe you do have a specific belief in
and got as you understand God or
that uses have a sense that a little be okay that everybody can in the end
survivor Boka to an even if lurks
so that can be for a lot of people
a fantastic way of letting go of some the anxieties
have letting go some other the anger letting go of the need to be validated
by
by a trial they can find it somewhere else harm
and meeting to control everything because so much of our control include
myself
comes from a place that that we grew up in if we didn't
control or somebody was in control
that we got her and so that will be using that same response to
to holler everything to prevent from being her
because it we were protected are safe and we don't necessarily need to do that
anymore it's okay to her
I have a questionnaire for those you tonight I have moderate today so
I'll just %uh feel the questions I can how do you get outside your own pair
don't understand your child
when he selling drugs are coming at a craft committing a crime
that's a perfect question and answers because it makes sense to her
cuz he's angry because he scare
because it makes them it's an easy way for him to fit a
because it gives them a sense the power and he feels power I'm not saying
you endorse it I'm not saying you give it the stamp of approval same as a great
plan
but you get it I I understand why people are violent
I understand my people cut I understand why people hurt other people
iris day where people sell or do drugs I'm semi people steal
why I don't support it I don't endorse it
I don't allow it to be in my life too to the best that I can set a boundary
right but I can get it
it so that phrase I don't get it you get it
you know you don't like it scares you it's upsetting you believe there's a
better way
but that's not exclusiva getting you understand
are you can much I scared he feels powerless this is way above fitting in
this is a way of them in rejecting anxiety depressive
in the list could go on and on but that's a perfect question perfect
example
understanding
let others do the heavy lifting part of this process
you understand that we're doing the heavy lifting that your child is safe
and give yourself a break
and take a step back and know that your child is safe know they're being treated
and talk and encourage and a and
and intervene where I their pised if you will
and that allows you the freedom to learn about architecture to learn about
yourself for self-care
order take some time for yourself I to not have to react and decide on a daily
basis
because you're not in crisis on a daily basis so
make a conscious decision to turn over the heavy lifting for time as you have
to some degree already but the turnover emotionally spiritually perhaps
to somebody else stop relating it out successes and failures to your successes
or failures
that happens a lot we get embarrassed
we identified in with our own parents guide but on family members or somebody
that we live in a close to
does something stupid we get the best
so its human its normal with typical
but the goal is to to do your best
to work toward having a be their success or failure
I was just talking to a former parent up mine today
I am in fact he started a a wonderful organization where he goes in the
schools
and supports them actually pays for the teachers to teach
such that the curriculum that with its second nature and he has in a couple of
schools now
and it's run by former senator field staff who are also counts as they do in
wonderful wonderful work
and on the the peace that he's doing the work he's doing
is so fantastic is what he's doing it is helping families
understand that
the best thing that they can do to contribute to the exile is
to be successful themselves to do their own work tutor to reach out
and and then leave everything over to the child
that their successes there with them on their journey they might not make the
same two aces
they might not make the same mmm
that there are growing in the same way the same place but that's their life and
that's okay and they're connected
and loving with them at the same time com
like I said understanding your child for giving your cell a few mistakes on a
daily basis
and that doesn't remove the
responsibility that you have to
hmm work harder to try to be a great pair
it just means that you learn to forgive yourself and learn
but that's part of the human condition is to be a perfect practice letting go
and the way that this guy I like the same its
kinda we're but the idea of
holding a boundary by learning to listen there'll be a great listener
can be really really from clear boundaries
share this quote before
on there's no question that our parents palaces parents up its failure
their children and eyes were no exception no pain is ever adequate
enough for the job
being a parent and there's no way not to fail no pain ever has enough love always
the more mature your patience
no parent ever succeeds completely as kids we need more mothering that are fun
mothers could give us some more father
but our fathers that offer were brother and sister and then we got my siblings
part about asking growing up dust becomes fine air own source is a
parenting
to add to what I mothers and fathers were not able to give us
we cannot wait for Paris to pare for further
shipping we got way for parents permission to grow up we need to decide
on our own to find other people to paradise to find other people to give us
what
I parents could to grow up as a is an easy
but in order to do that we must forgive my parents we must forgive them for our
sake
not there when we do not forgive them where extra expecting all of our
parenting from them
we explain to them in the hope that if we wait long enough for going up for the
right things
or make them feel guilty enough they will finally come through with enough
parenting for us
but this is impossible care order for us to be
really free to find out the source the parenting we must forgive
so that concept is this could apply to you as a parent or yours
has the child is that as we grow up we forget my parents for their mistakes or
their affections thats our growing up and that's on your children
that's their responsibility and then I love his last book
from Kilgore on the the profit just an emotional place to enter
and a woman held the baby gets a buzz in set: speak to us have children and he
said
your children on your children that the sons and daughters of Life's longing for
itself
they come through you but not from you and though there with you yet they
belong not to you
you may give them your love but not that thoughts for they have their own
box you may how their bodies but not their souls
for their souls well the house up to my love what you cannot visit
not even in your dreams you may strive to be like them but seek not to make
them like you
for life goes not backward no tears with yesterday
you are the Bose from a church owners living hairs are sent for
the RTC's the markup on the path of the infinite knee bends you with his might
there's Erasmo make a swift and far you're bending in the art is handy for
gladness
for even as he loves the other flies so he loves also the bow their staple
so another comment here
thank you for allowing alumni parents you up to you whatsoever as again we
still mean
the support happen we appreciate fantastic I'm glad it's helpful for your
so I'll take a moment if there are any questions like I said earlier I don't
have a moderator to nine
have taken almost the entire hour but if there's any other questions
I'll take a minute and while I'm waiting for you to type if you have any
our next weather will be open for Moby Tuesday October 8
6 p.m. mountain time she consented any questions between now and then to web a
NAR
address the repeater com remember you can always ask for slides her
give comets aka suggestions these are the group that I was talking about the
website see where you can find
and search for meaning in your hair these are free
a support group that you can find that will help you the the top two
can sometimes be have the flavor up a spouse or
dealing with substance abuse although it's not for that but there are a lot of
those
individuals and those meaning so don't let that keep you away the principles
apply
no matter what families anonymous is a nice option how now probably has the
strongest labor when I was just suggesting
the upcoming national works out some a big fan of these
the one on top there here's a
a couple of days and it's a has a small fee associated with it you get for more
information by using the
the email address their the one on the bottom is a free meaning we do
month in New York we also the one on the west coast cup on the west coast so
if you can schedule a trip vacation New York
paired up with that you got yourself a nice evening
so not getting any question so I hope this is helpful at this point of contact
are
har are valuable to you and give you a sense of connectedness and also
at two your growth and and contribute indirectly
everything your family is going through towns with right now so thank you for
joining tonight
hope you have a nice evening and I'll talk to you next Tuesday
6 p.m. on time take care
up