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man: HOLD UP, HOLD UP, HOLD UP.
narrator: RIGHT NOW...
( man groaning )
narrator: ... THE SMOKING GUN
PRESENTS THE WORLD'S
DUMBEST CRIMINALS 5.
20 MORE CRIMINALLY COMIC MOMENTS
BRIMMING WITH BAD IDEAS...
BUNGLED BRAINSTORMS...
AND BAD-*** BEAT DOWNS.
FEATURING NUGGETS OF WISDOM
FROM OUR CELEBRITY CAST.
Gary: PAY ATTENTION
TO WHAT YOU HAVE.
HOLD IT STRONG AND DEAR.
DON'T LET IT GO.
narrator: AND A WHOLE BUNCH
OF REASONS--
man: JUST A MAN WITH
A PLASTIC BAG OVER HIS HEAD.
narrator: WHY CRIME DOESN'T PAY.
( men grunting )
( sirens blaring )
narrator: IT'S THE SMOKING GUN
PRESENTS THE WORLD'S
DUMBEST CRIMINALS--
woman: GIVE ME THAT GUN,
YOUNG MAN !
YOU COME BACK HERE !
narrator: 5.
( man screaming )
Gary: THANK YOU.
Closed Captions Provided by truTV
narrator: IN THE WILSHIRE
SECTION OF LOS ANGELES,
TWO MEN APPROACH A HOME.
( doorbell ringing )
WHEN THE OWNER ANSWERS
THE DOOR...
woman: HELLO, CAN I HELP YOU ?
narrator: ... A VIOLENT
HOME INVASION OCCURS.
man: GET ON THE GROUND !
GET ON THE GROUND RIGHT NOW !
ON THE FLOOR !
GET ON THE FLOOR !
MOVE IT...
narrator: WHAT ARE THESE
ARMED GUNMEN AFTER ?
MONEY ?
ELECTRONICS ?
PRICELESS ANTIQUES ?
NONE OF THE ABOVE.
( dogs barking )
man: COME HERE, PUPPY.
COME HERE, COME HERE.
PUPPY, COME HERE, PUPPY.
COME HERE, PUPPY.
HERE, BOY, HERE, HERE, HERE.
COME HERE !
COME HERE, COME HERE !
Ron: RUN, SPARKY !
RUN, RUN, SPARKY !
man: WHAT KIND OF
GAY-*** THIEVES ARE THESE,
STEALING CHAMPIONSHIP
LITTLE BABY TERRIERS ?
THERE IS A FLAT-SCREEN TV
IN THE BACK OF THIS ROOM.
JUST TAKE IT !
man: YOU WANT A BISCUIT ?
HERE, YOU WANT SOME ?
COME ON, PUPPY, COME ON.
Danny: WHAT KIND OF CROOK
KNOWS THAT A YORKSHIRE TERRIER
PUPPY'S WORTH ANY MONEY ?
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
I KNOW THEY'RE YAPPY,
LITTLE DOGS.
I'D PAY THAT MUCH MONEY
NOT TO HAVE ONE IN MY HOUSE.
man: COME HERE, DOG.
DAMN YOU LITTLE ( bleeping ).
COME HERE !
Ron: THE ROBBER GOES TO
THE LEFT.
THE YORKIE GOES TO THE RIGHT !
THE ROBBER GOES TO RIGHT--
LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT !
Todd: THE PUPPIES ARE LIKE,
"HEY, LOOK OUT, LOOK OUT !
"COME ON, HE'S TRYING
"TO GET US !
RUN FOR YOUR LIFE !"
Tonya: THEY'RE SO SMALL,
AND IF THEY'RE SCARED,
THEY'RE GONNA BE PEE-PEEING
ALL OVER THE CARPET.
narrator: FINALLY, WITH
A GARBAGE BAG FULL OF DOGS,
THE TWO THIEVES DISAPPEAR
INTO THE NIGHT.
Danny: WHY WOULD YOU
STEAL SOMETHING THAT BARKS ?
( dogs barking )
WOULDN'T YOU STEAL SOMETHING
THAT WAS INTRINSICALLY QUIET ?
I WOULD MORE LIKELY STEAL
A BAG OF MIMES
THAN THINGS THAT BARK.
IT'S A DEAD GIVEAWAY.
narrator: WHEN THE SURVEILLANCE
FOOTAGE AIRED
ON THE NEWS THAT NIGHT,
ONE OF THE HALF-WITTED HOODLUMS
WAS TURNED IN
BY HIS DAD.
Brad: I WOULD TURN
MY KID IN, TOO, AFTER I BEAT
THE LIVING HELL OUT OF HIM
WITH THE PUPPY.
man: DAD DID THE RIGHT THING,
YOU KNOW ?
TAUGHT HIM A LESSON, YOU KNOW ?
DON'T STEAL PUPPIES !
( dog barking )
( bells ringing )
narrator: TULSA, OKLAHOMA.
A DRUNKEN ROBBER ENTERS
A LIQUOR STORE
OWNED BY TWO WOMEN.
( man hiccupping, burping )
HE THREATENS THE CASHIER
WITH A TASER.
man: IT'S ELECTRIC.
narrator: AND DEMANDS MONEY
AND ALCOHOL.
man: GIVE ME MONEY AND ALCOHOL.
narrator: BUT ALL HE GETS
IS THE ALCOHOL.
( glass smashing )
( man grunting )
Brad: OOH, THOSE WOMEN
BEAT THE GOOD LIVING ( bleep )
OUT OF THAT BOY.
Bryan: I MEAN, THAT WOMAN
COCKED BACK AND JUST--
HI-DASH !
AND JUST OPENED HIS HEAD UP.
Leif: GOD KNOWS WHEN TWO
PLUMP, ELDERLY WOMEN
ARE GONNA JUST PULL A FAST ONE
ON YOU AND WHACK YOU
OVER THE HEAD WITH A BOTTLE.
( man screaming )
Brad: AND HE JUST
KEEPS STANDING.
I HAVE TO GIVE HIM CREDIT.
I HAVE BEEN HIT IN THE HEAD
WITH A BOTTLE OF SCHLITZ
AND IT HURTS, PEOPLE.
( man screaming )
woman: HE LOOKED
A LITTLE PERPLEXED,
AND I'M PRETTY SURE
THE DRY-CLEANING BILL WAS HUGE.
narrator: BATTERED AND BLOODIED,
THIS *** HOUND
GOES TO PLAN "B."
man: GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE.
Tonya: WELL, I GUESS THAT WAS
ENOUGH ALCOHOL FOR ONE DAY.
woman: GET HIM, LET'S GET HIM !
COME ON, COME ON,
LET'S GET HIM !
woman: I'M RIGHT BEHIND YOU !
Tom: THESE TWO TANKERS GO
RUNNING AFTER HIM LIKE THEY'RE
GONNA CHASE HIM DOWN.
woman: I'M RIGHT BEHIND YOU !
Judy: I LOVE THEM.
THEY WERE TENACIOUS,
AND I LOVE THEM.
woman: LET'S GO GET US A MAN.
LET'S GO GET HIM.
Brad: LOOK AT THOSE TWO WOMEN.
THIS IS THEIR LAST GOOD CHANCE.
HE MAY BE DRUNK,
HE MAY HAVE A TASER,
BUT HE'S KINDA CUTE.
( man screaming )
narrator: AT FIRST,
THIS BANK ROBBER
IN ALBUQUERQUE, NEW MEXICO,
SEEMS PRETTY SMART.
( gun firing )
man: STICK 'EM UP !
narrator: HE'S ARMED WITH A
HANDGUN AND A CLEVER DISGUISE.
man: HI-YA !
narrator: HE DEMANDS CASH
FROM THE TELLER.
man: PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG !
narrator: BUT IT TURNS OUT
OUR NINJA-SCHOOL DROPOUT
ISN'T QUITE AS NIMBLE
AND STEALTHY AS ADVERTISED.
( man gasping )
man: YOU THINK THIS IS A JOKE ?
THIS IS NO JOKE !
PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG !
DON'T BE LAUGHING AT ME !
DON'T BE LAUGHING AT ME !
Todd: I'VE NEVER SEEN
A NINJA WITH CRUTCHES.
Loni: WHAT HAPPENED, NINJA ?
YOU CAN'T EVEN DO A KARATE CHOP.
man: PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG !
PUT YOUR HANDS UP !
PUT YOUR HANDS UP !
Bryan: I DON'T KNOW HOW
DESPERATE YOU WERE FOR MONEY,
BUT IF YOU'RE GONNA ROB A PLACE,
YOU MIGHT WANNA WAIT
'TIL YOUR FOOT HEALS.
man: COME ON, NOW.
PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG !
I AIN'T GOT ALL DAY !
MY KNEE'S KILLING ME !
Brad: DID ANYBODY EVER THINK
TO JUST GRAB THE CRUTCH ?
IT'S KIND OF HIS ACHILLES HEEL
AS A VILLAIN.
narrator: THE NINJA GETS
THE MONEY.
man: EXCUSE ME, SIR.
I HAVE THE BAG HERE
FOR YOU, SIR.
man: OKAY, THANKS.
narrator: EVENTUALLY.
AND DESPITE LONG ODDS,
MANAGES TO ESCAPE.
Leif: HOW YOU GONNA GET AWAY
ON A CRUTCH IN A NINJA OUTFIT
WITH MONEY
THAT YOU JUST STOLE ?
I'M SORRY.
NOT WORKING.
narrator: BUT THE F.B.I.
RELEASES THE SURVEILLANCE TAPE,
AND TWO WEEKS LATER,
30-YEAR-OLD KHOA LUONG
IS ARRESTED FOR THE CRIME.
Khoa: DON'T BE LAUGHING AT ME !
DON'T BE LAUGHING AT ME !
narrator: COMING UP,
A.T.M. IDIOTS GO FOR BROKE.
Gary: THE VAN GOT JAMMED !
narrator: PLUS, KIDS SAY
THE DARNEDEST THINGS.
boy: STICK 'EM UP, MAN !
EMPTY YOUR CASH DRAWER !
DON'T MAKE ME COME BACK THERE.
narrator: AND LATER,
THE ART OF DUMB DISGUISE.
woman: WE CAN SEE YOU
RIGHT THROUGH THE BAG !
I CAN SEE YOU !
narrator: PLUS, MORE INSIGHT
FROM OUR CELEBRITY CAST.
Brad: ROBBING A POLICE STATION
IS KIND OF LIKE DATING
O.J. SIMPSON:
IT'S JUST NEVER A GOOD IDEA.
narrator: WHEN THE SMOKING GUN
PRESENTS THE WORLD'S DUMBEST
CRIMINALS 5 RETURNS.
narrator: IT'S 11:00 P.M.
IN PRAIRIE VILLAGE, KANSAS.
( bell ringing )
A SUSPICIOUS VAN PULLS UP
TO THE FRONT DOOR
OF A PHILLIP'S GAS STATION.
( tires screeching )
man: HOLD UP, HOLD UP, HOLD UP.
NO, NO, NO.
HOLD UP, HOLD UP.
NO, NO, NO.
ONE MORE TIME, BACK IT UP.
BRING IT IN, BRING IT IN.
THIRD TIME'S A CHARM, BABY.
COME ON.
Gary: BAM !
( tires screeching )
THE VAN GOT JAMMED !
narrator: HOPING TO MAKE OFF
WITH THE A.T.M.,
THESE DIMWITS INSTEAD MANAGED
TO GET THEIR AXLE IN A TWIST.
Tom: NOW THEY CAN'T
TAKE ANYTHING !
man: PULL UP THE VAN, MAN !
I CAN'T GET IN !
WE'RE LEAVING.
YO, WHERE YOU--
PULL UP THE VAN !
I CAN'T GET IN !
YO, MAN, WHERE YOU GOING ?
WAIT UP, MAN !
Tom: NOW THEY'RE LEAVING
WITHOUT THE A.T.M
AND WITHOUT THE VAN.
Brad: I TRY NOT TO LEAVE MY CAR
AT THE SCENE OF A CRIME.
MY CAR, MY CELL PHONE,
MY BUSINESS CARD,
MY DRIVER'S LICENSE.
THESE ARE THINGS I TAKE WITH ME
AFTER I COMMIT A FELONY.
narrator: WHEN THE POLICE
ARRIVE, IT DOESN'T TAKE LONG
TO CONNECT THE VAN
WITH THE PERPS,
MAKING THEIR FEE
FOR USING THIS A.T.M.
FIVE TO TEN IN THE COUNTY JAIL.
( tires screeching )
IN FORMAN, NORTH DAKOTA,
A FEMALE DRIVER
HAS BEEN PULLED OVER
FOR SUSPECTED D.U.I.
AND NOW THAT THE ICE IS BROKEN--
Judy: WHEN YOU'RE
BEING ARRESTED,
YOU WANT TO SEXUALLY HARASS
THE COP AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.
Danny: SHE'S MADE HER INTENTIONS
PRETTY CLEAR.
THERE'S NO DOUBLE ENTENDRE.
THAT WOMAN WAS THE QUEEN
OF THE SINGLE ENTENDRE: DO ME.
Brad: LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
IF THERE'S ONE THING I LEARNED
THE FIRST TIME I GOT ARRESTED,
DON'T GRAB THE COP'S JUNK.
Loni: I MEAN, SHE'S NOT EVEN
BEING SEXY ABOUT IT.
SHE'S TRYING,
AND HE'S, LIKE, ALL NERVOUS.
IT'S LIKE,
HAS HE NEVER BEEN PICKED UP
BY A WOMAN BEFORE ?
"NO, NOT THAT WAY."
Judy: SHE KNEW THIS WAS
PROBABLY GOING TO BE
ONE OF THE LAST TIMES BEFORE
SHE WAS GONNA GET SOME ACTION
FROM A GUY.
narrator: THE STOIC OFFICER
KEEPS HIS COOL
BUT GETS A LESSON
IN THE FICKLE NATURE
OF FEMALE AFFECTIONS.
A ROBBERY IS IN PROGRESS
AT AN OHIO SUNOCO STATION.
man: GIVE ME THE CASH !
COME ON, HURRY UP, LET'S GO !
narrator: THE CASHIER HANDS OVER
THE MONEY.
man: COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.
THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT ?
THAT'S ALL YOU'VE GOT ?
narrator: BUT INSTEAD
OF LEAVING--
man: YO, WHAT'S UP ?
YOU FREE TONIGHT ?
Judy: YOU'RE AN IDIOT.
WHAT, DID YOU WANNA SEE
WHAT SHE WAS WEARING ?
man: YO, TURN AROUND.
YO, WHAT'S UP, LITTLE LADY ?
Tom: AND THAT'S NOT HAPPENING.
man: YO, SO WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'--
( gun firing )
( man screaming )
woman: YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME ?
I'LL GIVE YOU A PIECE !
WHAT ?
Ron: ONE SHOT-- BOOM !
( man screaming )
Leif: HELL OF A SHOT.
NAILED HIM RIGHT IN
THE SHOULDER-- BROUGHT HIM DOWN.
( man screaming )
Ron: AND HE'S FLOPPING AROUND
ON THE FLOOR LIKE SOME SORT OF
LARGE, BIG-MOUTHED BASS.
woman: GET UP,
I'LL SHOOT YOU AGAIN !
THAT'S RIGHT !
DON'T EVEN TRY TO GET UP !
Brad: WHEN THEY GIVE YOU
THE MONEY, LEAVE.
YOU WON, IT'S OVER, RUN AWAY.
( gun firing )
( man screaming )
woman: YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME ?
Danny: SHE SHOT HIM
AND THEN NAGGED HIM.
woman: YEAH, WHAT ?
NOW YOU ON THE FLOOR.
YOU AIN'T SO HOT NOW.
NO, YOU'RE NOT GOING NOWHERE.
Danny: LADY, EITHER SHOOT ME
OR YOU YELL AT ME,
BUT NOT BOTH.
PICK ONE !
woman: NOW WHAT ?
narrator: FORTUNATELY FOR
THE PERP,
OFFICERS QUICKLY ARRIVE
ON THE SCENE
AND TAKE HIM INTO CUSTODY.
woman: COPS ARE GONNA GET YOU
NOW, YOU CAN'T GO NOWHERE.
Loni: CAN YOU IMAGINE
THIS CHICK ?
INSTEAD OF HAVING SOMETHING
LIKE A DEER ON HER MANTLE,
SHE'LL HAVE, LIKE, CRIMINALS.
"THIS ONE
"I SHOT IN THE SHOULDER.
"THAT WAS MY FIRST ONE.
"SECOND ONE, I GOT TO THE EAR.
"PRETTY SOON,
IT'LL BE IN BETWEEN THE EYES."
( man screaming )
narrator: IN PORT ST. LUCIE,
FLORIDA,
TWO YOUNG BOYS ENTER A LOBBY,
APPROACH A GLASS PARTITION,
AND DEMAND CASH
FROM THE EMPLOYEE INSIDE.
boy: STICK 'EM UP, MAN !
EMPTY YOUR CASH DRAWER !
DON'T MAKE ME COME BACK THERE.
narrator: JUST ONE PROBLEM.
( police radio blaring )
Loni: THE PLACE THAT THEY ROB
IS A POLICE STATION.
boy: I WANT SOME MONEY.
Gary: POLICE STATION.
SMART, HUH ?
YOU GOT TO DO "A," "B," "C,"
"D," "E," "F," "G"
BEFORE YOU CAN
ATTEMPT ANYTHING THAT STUPID.
Todd: WHERE, WHEN YOU WALK IN,
DO YOU NOT SEE THAT BIG OLD SIGN
THAT SAYS "POLICE DEPARTMENT" ?
WELL, I NEVER SEE THAT SIGN,
BECAUSE I'M USUALLY GOING
GOING THROUGH THE BACK.
Judy: IF YOU'RE GONNA START
BECOMING A CRIMINAL,
I WOULD START A LITTLE LOWER.
I WOULD GO TO, PERHAPS, A PLACE
THAT'S NOT FULL OF POLICE,
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING ?
Brad: ROBBING A POLICE STATION
IS KIND OF LIKE
DATING O.J. SIMPSON:
IT'S JUST NEVER A GOOD IDEA.
boy: YO, WE WERE JUST
PLAYING, MAN !
WE'RE SORRY !
WE WERE JUST PLAYING !
WE DIDN'T KNOW !
Tom: AND THEN THESE GUYS
COME BOUNCING OUT OF
THE CLASS FROM, LIKE,
THE DEFENSE-TRAINING CLASS,
AND THERE'S, LIKE, EIGHT OF 'EM.
Gary: THEY GOT THOSE LITTLE KIDS
AND TIED 'EM UP
LIKE NEW YORK PRETZELS
AND SENT 'EM AWAY.
Michel: AT THE RATE THESE KIDS
ARE GOING,
THEY WILL BE CAREER STUPID
BY THE TIME THEY'RE 20.
Danny: I THINK THE PARENTS
NEED TO GO TO JAIL RIGHT NOW.
THE KIDS, YOU KNOW,
WE'RE ALWAYS GONNA NEED
GAS-STATION ATTENDANTS.
( bell ringing )
boy: WE'RE SORRY.
WE WERE JUST PLAYING.
WE DIDN'T KNOW.
narrator: COMING UP...
( man grunting )
TO PROTECT AND SERVE IN IOWA--
Brad: IT'S LIKE CROUCHING TIGER,
HIDDEN MORON.
narrator: PLUS, GRANNY OPENS UP
A CAN OF WHOOP-***.
woman: GIVE ME THAT GUN,
YOUNG MAN.
COME BACK HERE !
narrator: AND LATER,
GRATUITOUS MALE NUDITY
FOR THE LADIES.
Loni: TAKE IT OFF !
I LIKE THIS CLIP.
HE GOT A NICE BODY !
narrator: WHEN THE WORLD'S
DUMBEST CRIMINALS 5 CONTINUES.
narrator: IN IOWA,
AN OFFICER PULLS OVER A CAR
FOR DRIVING ERRATICALLY.
Ron: THIS WOMAN IS
AN F-ING PSYCHO !
Tonya: THIS LADY,
SHE'S, LIKE, KICKING HIM
IN THE BALLS.
I MEAN, LIKE,
YOU THINK THAT'S GONNA HELP ?
OW !
Danny: SHE KICKS THIS COP
IN THE NUTS THREE GOOD TIMES.
I'M THINKING TO MYSELF,
IS THAT A SOUND EFFECT,
OR IS THAT REALLY
THAT MAN'S BRASS BALLS ?
( bell dinging )
Brad: IT'S LIKE CROUCHING TIGER,
HIDDEN MORON.
( man grunting )
Todd: HER LEGS GO WIDE OPEN.
YOU SEE HER LITTLE WOO-HOO,
HER LITTLE ( bleep ) SHOWING.
( nonsensical babbling )
YOU KNOW, AND SHE'S SCREAMING,
"LET ME GO !"
AND THEN, WOO-HOO !
( laughing )
( woman crying )
Brad: HER BIGGEST CONCERN IS
SHE'S GOTTA LOCK UP HER
'92 TEAL-COLORED MALIBU.
HONEY, YOU'RE GOIN' TO JAIL.
LET THE MALIBU GO.
YOU'RE BETTER OFF
IF SOMEBODY STEALS IT.
narrator: IN THE END,
THE WOMAN WAS TRANSPORTED
TO A PLACE WHERE THE DOORS
ARE HELPFULLY LOCKED FOR HER.
IT'S 11:30 P.M. IN FLORIDA,
AND A WALKING CLICHĂ©
ENTERS A CONVENIENCE STORE.
Brad: ANYTIME A GROWN MAN
WITH A MULLET WALKS IN SHIRTLESS
TO A CONVENIENCE STORE,
JUST CALL THE COPS.
narrator: AFTER WANDERING AROUND
FOR A WHILE
AND COMBING HIS HAIR...
THE MAN FINALLY MAKES
A PURCHASE.
man: I'M GONNA GET SOME
CIGARETTES AND A SNAPPLE.
narrator: THEN HE MAKES
HIS MOVE.
Loni: YOU CAN'T STEAL CIGARETTES
FROM OLD MEN !
UH-UH !
Brad: THAT ( bleep )
IS ON LOCKDOWN.
THE DOOR'S LOCKED,
SLIDING GLASS PROTECTS
THE OLD MAN.
NOW HE TRAPPED.
( man screaming )
( glass breaking )
man: COME ON !
Danny: IT'S LIKE A REVERSE
SAFE ROOM.
YOU LOCK YOURSELF IN
WITH THE CRIMINAL.
man: COME ON, OLD MAN !
Bryan: ( grunting )
man: LET ME OUT !
COME ON !
AWW !
Bryan: ( grunting )
man: COME ON !
COME ON, MAN.
man: NO !
Bryan: CAN YOU PLEASE
LET ME OUT ?
SERIOUSLY, IT'S GONE SO FAR.
I REALLY-- I GOTTA JUST--
I HAVE-- I HAVE A STEP CLASS
IN, LIKE, 20 MINUTES.
Danny: YOU'RE ONLY MAKING IT
WORSE ON YOURSELF.
I THINK IT WAS
MY 4th-GRADE MATH TEACHER
THAT SAID THAT TO ME.
Brad: THERE WAS PROBABLY
A BACK EXIT TO
THE CONVENIENCE STORE, GENIUS.
JUST A THOUGHT.
( man grunting )
Michel: BY THE TIME HE FINALLY
BUSTS OUT OF THIS GLASS PRISON,
COPS ARE THERE-- HELLO !
narrator: THE THIEF IS ARRESTED
IN THE PARKING LOT.
officer: GET ON THE GROUND
RIGHT NOW !
man: AW, MAN !
narrator: AND WITH THE DAY'S
CRIME OUT OF THE WAY,
THE CLERK CAN FINALLY GET BACK
TO WHAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT.
Brad: THERE'S BEEN
A LINE FORMING
FOR ABOUT 20 MINUTES.
PEOPLE ARE LIKE,
"I JUST WANTED SOME SNO BALLS
AND A MOUNTAIN DEW."
( man grunting )
( glass breaking )
narrator: IN OKLAHOMA,
AN ELDERLY LIQUOR-STORE CLERK
IS RESTOCKING THE CANDY COUNTER
WHEN SUDDENLY--
man: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND,
GRANDMA.
GET ON THE GROUND !
GIVE ME SOME MONEY !
GET ON THE GROUND RIGHT NOW !
Tom: YOU SEE THE SIZE
OF THAT GUN ?
IT WAS BIGGER THAN HE WAS.
IT WAS HUGE !
narrator: HE MAY HAVE A BIG GUN,
BUT SHE'S GOT A BIG BOX
OF LICORICE.
woman: GIVE ME THAT GUN,
YOUNG MAN !
COME BACK HERE !
man: GET OFF ME !
JUST FORGET IT !
woman: AND STAY OUT !
Brad: THAT IS ONE HARD GRANNY.
man: GET ON THE GROUND,
OLD LADY !
GET ON THE GROUND !
Bryan: LICORICE IS
A GREAT ROBBER DETERRENT.
woman: YOU WILL NOT GET
THIS LICORICE.
Bryan: IT'S LIKE KRYPTONITE
TO THE ROBBER.
woman: GIVE ME THAT GUN,
YOUNG MAN !
YOU COME BACK HERE !
man: JUST FORGET IT !
woman: AND STAY OUT !
Ron: I DON'T THINK
THE KID REALLY QUITE KNEW
WHAT TO EXPECT.
man: PUT THAT CANDY DOWN !
Ron: IF WHAT YOU ANTICIPATE
IS THAT PEOPLE ARE GONNA
IMMEDIATELY CAPITULATE--
man: GET ON THE GROUND,
OLD LADY !
GIVE ME SOME MONEY !
Ron: AND THEY INTERPOSE
LARGE LICORICE BOXES
BETWEEN YOUR GUN AND THEM,
WHAT DO YOU DO ?
( man grunting )
man: FORGET IT !
Todd: NOW, IF YOU'RE GONNA ROB
A PLACE,
AND YOU CAN'T GET A LITTLE,
OLD LADY ON THE GROUND,
YOU DON'T NEED TO BE ROBBING
NO MORE.
YOUR ROBBING DAYS ARE UP.
Brad: NASTY, OLD LADY.
( bell ringing )
Todd: GRANNY STAYS COOL, CALM,
AND COLLECTED.
woman: I GOTTA GET BACK TO
THE CANDY.
LET'S SEE,
THE M & Ms AND MARS BARS.
GOTTA FIX MY HAIR.
Loni: WHAT DOES SHE DO ?
FIXES HER HAIR.
MESSING UP MY HAIR.
woman: I HAVE TO GET TO
MY HAIRDRESSER, AS WELL.
Brad: JUST ANOTHER DAY
FOR GRANDMA.
narrator: DALLAS, TEXAS.
A MAN ENTERS A CONVENIENCE STORE
BRANDISHING A WEAPON...
SORT OF.
man: STICK 'EM UP.
PUT 'EM UP, MAN !
GIVE ME SOME MONEY !
Loni: DUDE, THOSE ARE
TWO FINGERS.
Judy: THE "FINGER UNDER
THE SHIRT" THING--
IT DOESN'T REALLY WORK ANYMORE.
man: YO, MAN, STICK 'EM UP !
PUT 'EM UP, MAN !
GIVE ME SOME MONEY !
Brad: DEAD PEOPLE IN TEXAS
HAVE GUNS.
GRANDMOTHERS HAVE GUNS.
EVERYBODY'S GOT A GUN.
IF YOU DON'T SHOW UP WITH A GUN,
YOU THE ONLY ONE
AT THE ROBBERY WITHOUT ONE.
narrator: AND AS THE
DUMB CRIMINAL AT NUMBER TEN
LEARNS THE HARD WAY,
YOU DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS.
man: HEY, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA...
man: OH, HELL NO.
man: HEY, NOW--
man: HOW DO YOU FEEL NOW ?
man: I'M COOL-- JUST LEAVING.
man: GET YOUR HANDS UP.
man: YO, MAN, OPEN UP, MAN.
COME ON.
man: YOU AIN'T GOING NOWHERE.
man: YO, I WAS JUST PLAYING.
Gary: THE CLERK,
HE LOCKS THE DOOR.
man: COME ON, OPEN UP, MAN.
Gary: WHERE IT CAN'T BE OPENED.
Loni: HE'S LIKE, UH-OH.
man: YO, I WAS JUST PLAYING.
YO !
Tonya: ANY CRIMINAL,
YOU WANT 'EM TO STAY OUT,
NOT IN, BUT ON THIS CASE,
YOU WANT 'EM TO STAY IN
'TIL THE POLICE GET THERE.
man: YO, WHAT ?
LISTEN UP.
$10, TAKE $10.
OKAY, MAN, JUST LET ME GO.
TAKE YOUR $10.
Leif: HE COMES TO
A VERY SMART CONCLUSION.
I'VE GOT TEN BUCKS ON ME.
I'LL GIVE YOU MONEY,
IF YOU LET ME OUT.
man: TAKE $10.
HERE, MAN, JUST LET ME GO.
Tom: AND THE GUY TAKES THE $10.
HE'S LIKE,
"GOOD, YOU'RE GOOD TO GO."
UNLOCKS THE DOOR,
LETS HIM OUT OF THERE.
man: $10 ?
YEAH, I'LL TAKE IT.
GET ON OUT OF HERE, THEN.
Danny: HE MADE $10
ON THE EXCHANGE.
WHAT PROFIT WAS THERE
IN TURNING HIM IN ?
GOOD BUSINESS.
Gary: THIS YOUNG MAN
HAD NO SENSE
OF HISTORY OF TEXAS.
AND THE FACT IS,
YOU DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS.
( sneezing )
narrator: COMING UP--
HE FOUGHT THE LAW...
( men grunting )
... AND THE LAW WON.
PLUS, ROBBERY BY APPOINTMENT.
Danny: HE WENT TO ROB
A MUFFLER SHOP AND THEN SAID,
"CALL ME LATER
WHEN THE MONEY GETS HERE."
narrator: WHEN THE SMOKING GUN
PRESENTS THE WORLD'S
DUMBEST CRIMINALS CONTINUES.
narrator: IT'S DECEMBER 23rd
IN AVON, OHIO.
SO WHAT DO YOU GET THE DUMB
CRIMINAL WHO HAS EVERYTHING ?
Leif: JUST LET HIM FINISH
WHAT HE'S SAYING.
HE'S GONNA LET YOU GO, OKAY ?
Tom: AND HE KEEPS PULLING AWAY
THE CAR EVERY TWO SECONDS.
FINALLY, THE COP'S LIKE,
AH, THERE'S SOMETHING UP
WITH THIS GUY.
HE'S BONKERS !
Tonya: THE POLICE OFFICER
REALIZES THAT THERE'S POT
IN THE CAR.
Brad: ISN'T POT SUPPOSED
TO MAKE YOU MELLOW ?
Michel: IT WAS QUITE
THE ESCALATION FROM, HEY,
JUST A COUPLE GUYS CHATTING,
HOLIDAY SPIRIT.
TO REALLY A KNOCKDOWN,
DRAG-OUT ON THE GROUND.
( bell ringing )
narrator: DUMB CRIMINAL
NUMBER NINE
WAS CHARGED WITH SPEEDING,
RESISTING ARREST,
AND POSSESSION OF MARIJUANA.
Danny: YOU MOVE SLOW AND DON'T
THINK REAL WELL ON POT.
I DON'T KNOW WHY
HE WAS SO JUMPY.
I'D'VE MADE IT THROUGH THAT ONE.
I'D'VE SAID,
"WELL, THANK YOU, OFFICER.
"I REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR TIME,
"AND I'M SORRY IF I'VE
"INCONVENIENCED YOU IN ANY WAY.
I'LL BE AT DOMINOES."
narrator: LET'S FACE IT:
FOR THE AVERAGE
CONVENIENCE-STORE CLERK,
THE JOB CAN GET PRETTY TEDIOUS,
BUT EVERY SO OFTEN,
A DUMB CRIMINAL ARRIVES
TO LIVEN THINGS UP.
man: OPEN UP !
( knocking )
OPEN UP, GIVE ME THE MONEY !
woman: I AIN'T GOT NO MONEY.
man: COME ON NOW.
woman: I AIN'T GOT NO MONEY.
man: OPEN IT UP !
woman: I AIN'T GOT NO MONEY !
man: OPEN IT UP !
woman: I GOT NO MONEY !
man: OPEN IT UP !
woman: I'M ON THE PHONE
WITH SOMEBODY RIGHT NOW.
Danny: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN
TO SAY TO AN ARMED MAN ?
I'M ON THE PHONE !
CAN'T YOU SEE I'M ON THE PHONE ?
YOU CAN'T ROB ME RIGHT NOW !
I'M ON THE PHONE !
woman: I'M ON THE PHONE
WITH SOMEBODY RIGHT NOW.
Brad: I'M ON THE PHONE.
man: OPEN IT UP.
woman: WHAT ?
Brad: HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY--
I'M ON THE PHONE.
woman: HUH ?
Brad: THAT'S A GUN ?
THIS IS LONG DISTANCE,
( bleep ).
man: OPEN IT UP.
woman: I'M ON THE PHONE
WITH SOMEBODY RIGHT NOW.
Ron: OH, EXCUSE ME !
I'M JUST TRYING TO COMMIT
AN ARMED ROBBERY HERE.
I'LL COME BACK
WHEN YOU'RE FREE ?
woman: I AIN'T GOT NO MONEY.
man: OPEN IT UP !
woman: I'M ON THE PHONE
WITH SOMEBODY RIGHT NOW.
narrator: UNABLE TO GET HER
FULL ATTENTION, THE ROBBER TRIES
A DIFFERENT APPROACH.
woman: DON'T ( bleep ) AROUND
WITH THE GUN, MAN.
DON'T MESS AROUND WITH THE GUN.
Danny: WHEN HE PULLS OUT
THE GUN,
LIKE A MOTHER TO A CHILD,
SHE GOES,
"OH, NO, DON'T PLAY WITH GUNS."
woman: DON'T MESS AROUND
WITH A GUN.
man: GIVE ME THAT KEY !
woman: WHAT KEY ?
man: IN THE REGISTER.
woman: I AIN'T GOT NO KEY !
Leif: STICKING THE GUN
UNDER LIKE THIS, THINKING
YOU'RE GONNA GET A GOOD SHOT
OPERATING LIKE THAT.
YOU KNOW, HEY, STUPID.
( laughing )
GRABBED HIS HAND,
AND NOW YOU'RE STUCK.
woman: UH-UH !
UH-UH !
Brad: AT THAT POINT,
IF I WERE THE THIEF,
I WOULD RUN OUT SCREAMING.
YOU HAVE TO BE ONE CRAZY ***
TO GRAB A GUN.
man: LET GO OF MY GUN.
woman: I AIN'T LETTING GO
OF ( bleep ).
man: YOU'RE HURTING ME.
( groaning )
( woman laughing )
Ron: NOW, THE IDEA OF ROBBERY
IS TO WALK OUT WITH MORE
THAN WHAT YOU CAME IN WITH.
THE GUY EVEN LOST HIS GUN !
WHAT'S HE GONNA DO TOMORROW ?
Danny: GEE, ALL OF A SUDDEN,
WE'RE STILL CHATTING,
WASN'T ROBBED, AND OWNED A GUN.
SHE WAS GREAT !
woman: I'M ON THE PHONE
WITH SOMEBODY RIGHT NOW.
narrator: IT'S EARLY MORNING
IN CHICAGO,
AND VELASQUEZ & SONS
MUFFLER SHOP
IS OPEN FOR BUSINESS.
BUT THESE TWO GUYS
AREN'T CUSTOMERS.
THEY'RE HERE TO ROB THE PLACE.
man: GIVE ME THE MONEY IN
THE ( bleep ) REGISTER, YO !
narrator: THERE'S JUST
ONE PROBLEM.
man: WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY MONEY
AT THE TIME,
'CAUSE WE'D JUST BARELY OPENED.
WE TOLD 'EM, "COME BACK LATER."
narrator: THE WOULD-BE ROBBERS
AGREE, AND ONE OF 'EM COMES UP
WITH A PLAN.
man: HE SAID, "I'M GOING TO
"GIVE YOU TWO NUMBERS.
"WHEN YOUR BOSS GETS HERE,
GIVE ME A CALL."
man: HUH ?
Danny: THE MAN'S AS STUPID
AS THEY COME.
NO JOKE OR COMMENTARY
I COULD MAKE WOULD BEAT IT.
HE WENT TO ROB A MUFFLER SHOP
AND THEN SAID, "CALL ME LATER,
WHEN THE MONEY GETS HERE."
REALLY, I CAN'T ADD A THING.
Brad: THIS MAN IS SO DUMB,
JUST WATCHING THIS CLIP
MAKES MY I.Q. DROP.
Judy: LIKE THEY'RE GONNA
CALL BACK AND SAY,
"OH, UM...
"YEAH, WE GOT THE KEY.
WE WANNA GIVE YOU THE MONEY."
Bryan: "I'M GONNA LEAVE
"MY NUMBER.
"YOU DON'T-- YOU BETTER CALL ME
"WHEN YOUR BOSS GETS IN,
'CAUSE I WANT MY MONEY."
Tonya: ( laughing )
THAT'S FUNNY.
narrator: SO THE QUICK-THINKING
CLERKS CALL THE COPS.
( phone dialing )
THEN THEY CALLED THE DING-A-LING
AT NUMBER SEVEN.
Loni: HE COMES BACK.
THERE'S A PLAIN-CLOTHES OFFICER
WAITING FOR HIM.
Todd: WHEN THE POLICE TELL HIM
TO DROP THE GUN,
HE DOESN'T DROP IT,
SO THEY SHOOT HIM IN THE LEG.
( gun firing )
Loni: THAT'S WHAT
HE GET, DUMB-***.
Brad: IT NEVER OCCURS TO YOU
THAT THEY'VE CALLED THE COPS.
THEY JUST REALLY LIKED YOU
AND FELT YOU REALLY NEEDED
THE MONEY.
Leif: YOU'RE A MORON,
ALL RIGHT ?
YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN DESERVE
TO HAVE A PHONE, OKAY,
LET ALONE A PHONE NUMBER
OR AN ADDRESS OR ANYTHING ELSE.
YOU'RE AN IDIOT.
STUPID.
narrator: THE CROOK IS BROUGHT
TO THE HOSPITAL
AND THEN STRAIGHT TO JAIL,
WHERE HIS PHONE RINGS
MUCH LESS OFTEN.
Judy: IMAGINE GOING INTO JAIL,
AND, "WHAT ARE YOU IN FOR ?"
"WELL, I WENT TO ROB IT,
"THEY DIDN'T HAVE THE KEY,
SO I LEFT MY PHONE NUMBER."
WHY DON'T YOU JUST
( bleep ), OKAY ?
man: THAT WAS PRETTY STUPID.
narrator: SALEM, ARKANSAS.
A FED-EX DELIVERY MAN
STOPS BY THE LOCAL LAUNDROMAT
TO MAKE A DELIVERY--
( man laughing )
A VERY SPECIAL DELIVERY.
man: DING-***.
SPECIAL DELIVERY !
( laughing )
Tom: HE'S GOING INTO
THE LAUNDROMAT
AND PUTTING DING DONGS
IN ALL THE DRYERS.
man: DING-***,
GOT A SPECIAL DELIVERY.
Loni: THIS IS ONE DING ***
OF A CRIME.
man: HOT, DRY, COLD DING ***.
( laughing )
Tonya: I MEAN,
THAT IS JUST, LIKE, DISGUSTING.
Brad: WHO PUTS BAKED GOODS
IN A DRYER ?
DO YOU HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO
WITH YOUR LIFE ?
man: DING DONGS IN THE DRYER.
Judy: HE PUT THE DING DONGS IN,
AND HE LEFT,
BUT THEN HE DIDN'T GET
THE SATISFACTION
OF SEEING THE PEOPLE GOING,
"WHAT THE ( bleep )
IS ALL OVER MY SWEATER ?"
crowd: EWW.
Loni: YOU REALLY HAVE TO BE
PISSED OFF,
IF YOU'RE GONNA TAKE A DING ***
AND PUT IT IN A DRYER.
man: DING-***.
Judy: THERE ARE CAMERAS
EVERYWHERE, OKAY ?
EVERYWHERE, EVERYWHERE !
YOU'RE STUPID !
narrator: KNOW WHO'S
NOT STUPID ?
THE SALEM COPS.
officer: I CALLED FED-EX
AND GOT A HOLD OF A SUPERVISOR.
HE SAID, "YES, IT IS
"OUR EMPLOYEE, AND HIS NAME
IS JERRY WAYNE WHITAKER."
( sirens blaring )
Brad: IF YOU GO TO WORK
WITH A NAME BADGE
OR A UNIFORM ON,
DON'T WEAR IT TO COMMIT A CRIME.
( Jerry laughing )
Danny: THROWING A DING *** INTO
A DRYER IS AN EXCELLENT PRANK.
I, ONE TIME, THREW A HO HO IN,
BUT SHE GOT MAD-MAD.
( laughing )
THAT JOKE KILLS.
THE HO-- HO HO--
I THREW A HO ?
MY GIRLFRIEND WAS RIGHT.
THAT'S NOT FUNNY.
man: THIS IS SO FUNNY.
narrator: COMING UP--
( tires squealing )
( woman screaming )
SOME PEOPLE WILL DO
ANYTHING FOR A BIG GULP.
PLUS--
BLACK AND DECKER
AND DUMB-***.
Loni: I MEAN, COME ON.
ARE YOU A ROBBER
OR A CARPENTER ?
narrator: AND A VERY SPECIAL
MESSAGE FROM GARY BUSEY.
Gary: PAY ATTENTION ON
THE FEELINGS OF OTHERS FIRST.
START EVERY CONVERSATION
WITH A COMPLIMENT.
narrator: WHEN THE WORLD'S
DUMBEST CRIMINALS CONTINUES.
narrator: SOME DUMB CRIMINALS'
MOTIVES ARE CRYSTAL CLEAR--
man: JUST A MAN WITH
A PLASTIC BAG ON HIS HEAD, MAN.
narrator: BUT THIS
DUMB CRIMINAL'S DISGUISE
WAS CRYSTAL CLEAR.
man: NOTHING SUSPICIOUS.
NOTHING'S GOING ON.
narrator: AS THE CLERK STANDS BY
AND WATCHES,
THE MAN IN THE PLASTIC BAG
BEGINS TO EMPTY THE REGISTER.
man: I'M TAKING YOUR MONEY.
YOU CAN'T SEE ME.
YOU CAN'T SEE ME.
WHAT YOU GONNA DO ?
Judy: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT
HE WAS THINKING.
I'M GONNA PUT A PLASTIC BAG
OVER MY HEAD
AND GO ROB A PLACE.
OH, BETTER BE
A CLEAR PLASTIC BAG,
SO I CAN SEE WHAT I'M DOING.
( man grunting )
man: OPEN UP !
OPEN UP !
Leif: SURE, YOU CAN SEE BETTER
WITH A CLEAR BAG THAN YOU WOULD
WITH A ALL-BLACK GARBAGE BAG,
BUT IT WORKS BOTH WAYS, SEE ?
YOU SEE OUT, YOU SEE IN.
Jami: WE CAN SEE YOU
RIGHT THROUGH THE BAG !
I CAN SEE YOU !
man: YOU CAN'T SEE ME !
I'M TAKING YOUR MONEY !
I'M TAKING YOUR MONEY,
MOTHER( bleep ) !
Todd: THAT WOULD TELL ME,
IF YOU COME IN
WITH A CLEAR GARBAGE BAG,
THAT YOU ARE DISTURBED.
( man grunting )
man: OPEN UP !
Loni: DO HE REALIZE
HE COULD SUFFOCATE HIMSELF ?
( man wheezing )
man: DAMN !
IT'S HOT IN HERE.
Tonya: I MEAN,
HE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A MOUTH HOLE
OR ANYTHING.
I MEAN, HOW DUMB CAN YOU BE ?
( man breathing heavily )
narrator: THE CROOK GETS AWAY
WITH $100--
man: GET OUT OF MY WAY !
GET OUT OF MY WAY, FOOL !
I CAN'T BREATHE, MAN !
narrator: AND VERY
LITTLE DIGNITY.
Danny: USING A PRODUCT
AS A DISGUISE
THAT IT'S KIND OF FAMOUS
THAT YOU CAN SEE THROUGH IT--
JUST-- I COULDN'T HATE
THAT GUY MORE.
man: GARBAGE BAG MAN
COMING IN TAKING MY MONEY ?
DAMN, THAT'S STUPID.
narrator: IT'S A LATE
SUMMER EVENING
IN NORTH CAROLINA,
AND A COP HAS PULLED OVER A CAR
FOR DRIVING ERRATICALLY.
Brad: AS A GENERAL RULE,
IF A COP ASKS IF YOU'VE
BEEN DRINKING,
DON'T TELL THEM THAT YOU'VE GOT
A SIXER IN THE BACKSEAT.
Michel: THEN WHEN YOU GO TO
THE PAT-DOWN,
THAT'S WHEN THIS THING
GOES WRONG.
( men grunting )
officer: GET DOWN !
Leif: THERE'S TWO OF 'EM,
AND THERE'S ONE GUY.
I DON'T KNOW HOW
THEY WEREN'T ABLE TO JUST
SUBDUE THIS GUY OR GRAB HIM.
officer: GET DOWN !
Danny: AND THEN I SEE THEM
START TO UNDRESS THE MAN.
I GO, "WELL, THAT'S PRETTY
CLEVER ON THAT GUY'S PART."
( crowd cheering )
Loni: TAKE IT OFF !
TAKE IT OFF !
I LIKE THIS CLIP.
HE GOT A NICE BODY.
Brad: TWO COPS TEARING
A BOY'S CLOTHES OFF,
WRESTLING IN THE STREET.
IT WAS HOT !
IT WAS LIKE "BROKEBACK HIGHWAY."
man: AHHH, MMM, OH !
man: I CAN'T QUIT YOU, OFFICER.
Leif: STOP RESISTING !
STOP RESISTING !
THAT'S GONNA DO IT.
THAT'S REAL GOOD, PALLY.
officer: GET DOWN !
Brad: JUST STOP RESISTING
AND KISS ALREADY !
man: WOO-HOO !
Judy: THIS RUNNING-AWAY THING
IS REALLY STUPID.
HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE
RUNNING AROUND IN UNDERPANTS ?
Bryan: I LEFT MY CLOTHES
AND MY CAR
WITH MY FINGERPRINTS
ALL OVER THE STEERING WHEEL,
BUT THEY'LL NEVER CATCH ME.
THAT'S WHY I LIKE TO RUN AWAY.
( man laughing )
man: WOO-HOO !
narrator: IT'S EARLY MORNING
AT A TEXACO CONVENIENCE STORE
IN HOUSTON.
woman: LET ME GET
A CUP OF COFFEE.
narrator: THREE WOMEN ENTER
TO PURCHASE
A 20-OUNCE CUP OF CAPPUCCINO.
crowd: OOH !
narrator: BUT THERE ARE NO
20-OUNCE CUPS AVAILABLE.
crowd: AWW.
woman: I NEED A 20-OUNCE CUP--
narrator: SO THE CUSTOMER
COMPLAINS TO THE CLERK.
woman: WHAT THE ( bleep )
IS WRONG WITH THIS STORE ?
narrator: AND THAT'S WHEN THINGS
GET UGLY.
man: GET AWAY FROM ME !
( man groaning )
Tonya: SHE STARTS FREAKING OUT,
BECAUSE THERE IS NO
20-OUNCE CUP.
woman: I'M GOING TO KICK
SOMEBODY'S ***.
Judy: WHY DIDN'T SHE GET TWO
( bleep ) 10-OUNCE CUPS ?
WHAT THE ( bleep ) IS YOUR
( bleep ) PROBLEM ?
Leif: THE WOMAN WAS
NOT RATIONAL !
SHE NEEDED MORE JAVA !
NOW !
woman: COME HERE, YOU !
( man groaning )
man: YOU'RE CRAZY, LADY !
narrator: THE FIGHT CONTINUES
IN THE PARKING LOT--
woman: I'M WARNING YOU.
NOW YOU'RE GONNA GET IT.
narrator: WHERE THE WOMAN
GETS IN HER CAR
AND TRIES TO RUN THE CLERK DOWN.
( man screaming )
woman: RUN, *** ! YEAH !
Loni: SOMEONE NEEDS
ANGER-MANAGEMENT COURSES.
officer: I THOUGHT
SHE WAS HAVING, LIKE,
AN EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWN
OR SOMETHING.
( man screaming )
woman: RUN, *** ! YEAH !
Judy: I'M NOT A PSYCHOLOGIST,
BUT I'M GONNA SAY
SHE HAD SOME OTHER ISSUES,
OTHER DISAPPOINTMENTS
IN HER LIFE,
AND THIS WAS THE BREAKING POINT:
A 20-OUNCE STYROFOAM CUP.
woman: I AM NOT
A SATISFIED CUSTOMER.
Brad: THE EASY WAY TO GET
OUT OF PAYING FOR YOUR COFFEE
IS ALWAYS TO KILL PEOPLE.
I FIND THAT'S THE NEXT
LOGICAL PROGRESSION.
Tonya: COFFEE'S GOOD AND ALL,
BUT MAYBE YOU DIDN'T NEED
ANY MORE CAFFEINE.
narrator: THE WOMAN WAS ARRESTED
AND CHARGED WITH
AGGRAVATED ASSAULT
WITH A DEADLY WEAPON.
Gary: SHE SHOULD'VE JUST
TAKEN OFF HER BRA,
'CAUSE I THINK SHE HAD
A "G" CUP.
FILL THAT THING UP,
SHE'D BE HAPPY FOR A WEEK.
NEXT TIME, THINK WITH YOUR
UNDERWEAR,
NOT WITH YOUR ANGER.
THANK YOU.
narrator: IT'S MORNING
IN ASHLAND, KENTUCKY,
AND A MASKED MAN
IS ABOUT TO TAKE STUPIDITY
TO A WHOLE OTHER LEVEL.
IT ALL BEGINS WITH A GUN
STUCK IN A CLERK'S BACK
AT THIS ICE-CREAM SHOP.
BUT THIS ISN'T JUST ANY GUN.
man: SHE THOUGHT IT WAS A GUN,
AND THEN WE FOUND OUT
IT WAS A STAPLE GUN.
Loni: HOW DESPERATE
DO YOU HAVE TO BE
TO USE A STAPLER GUN ?
I MEAN, COME ON.
ARE YOU A ROBBER
OR A CARPENTER ?
Todd: IT'S A STAPLER GUN,
AIN'T IT ?
I'LL PUT SOMEBODY'S EYE OUT
WITH THIS THING, MAN.
LOOK-- WATCH HERE-- CLICK.
Bryan: YOU'D HAVE TO STAPLE
SOMEBODY A WHOLE LOT
TO ACTUALLY KILL THEM.
Leif: I KNOW IT SAYS
"SHARP SHOOTER"
ON THE STAPLE GUN, BUT COME ON !
Judy: I MEAN, A LETTER OPENER
WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER.
narrator: COPS QUICKLY ALERT
AREA BUSINESSES
TO BE ON THE LOOKOUT,
BUT WITH CASH AND STAPLER
IN HAND,
THE ROBBER MAKES HIS SECOND
DUMB DECISION OF THE DAY
AND HEADS FOR THE PONDEROSA
NEXT DOOR--
man: YAHOO !
narrator: A PLACE WHERE
HE'D APPLIED FOR A JOB
THE DAY BEFORE.
man: HE HAD A SWEATER ON
WHEN HE WAS COMING AROUND BACK,
COME IN THE BACK DOOR,
AND WHEN HE CAME OUT OF THE
BATHROOM, HE HAD TOTALLY
DIFFERENT CLOTHES ON, AND THAT'S
WHEN WE TOOK OFF, CHASING HIM
ACROSS THE PARKING LOT.
Michel: I THINK CHANGING
CLOTHES-- BRILLIANT, BRILLIANT
IDEA, IF HE HADN'T BEEN THERE
TO APPLY FOR A JOB.
man: YOU LOOKING FOR A COOK ?
Michel: PROBABLY GONNA
BE RECOGNIZED.
Gary: THAT'S CALLED
PLANNING AHEAD IN THE WRONG WAY.
narrator: THE FEEBLE-MINDED
FELON THEN DECIDES TO RUN
ALL THE WAY HOME,
WHICH IS CONVENIENTLY
RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET
FROM THE ICE-CREAM SHOP
AND THE PONDEROSA.
Jami: HE'S CHANGING
HIS CLOTHES
SO NO ONE WOULD RECOGNIZE HIM,
BUT THEN HE WALKS ACROSS
THE STREET TO HIS HOUSE ?
THAT JUST MAKES NO SENSE.
Todd: HOW DUMB IS THAT ?
RUN AWAY AND RUN TO YOUR HOUSE
WITH PEOPLE CHASING YOU.
Tonya: SO THEN THE POLICE
SHOW UP AT HIS HOUSE,
AND AFTER, LIKE, 45 MINUTES
OF A STANDOFF--
( stapler clicking )
Tom: THEY FINALLY GET
INTO THE HOUSE,
AND THEY FIND OUT THAT
HE ALSO ROBBED FROM A WENDY'S
THAT WAS JUST A FEW BLOCKS UP.
( grill sizzling )
Leif: YOU DEFINITELY DON'T
WANNA ROB PLACES THAT
ARE WITHIN WALKING DISTANCES,
ESPECIALLY WITHIN
A STONE'S THROW OF YOUR HOUSE.
JUST DOESN'T SEEM TO MAKE SENSE.
YOU'RE AROUND THE AREA A LOT.
PEOPLE MIGHT RECOGNIZE YOU.
narrator: THE LOCAL LOOTER
TURNS OUT TO BE GERALD ROCCHI,
WHO IS ARRESTED AND CHARGED
WITH FIRST-DEGREE ROBBERY,
MISUSE OF OFFICE PRODUCTS,
AND BEING A REALLY BAD NEIGHBOR.
Michel: LOCATION, LOCATION,
LOCATION.
FOR HIM, IT'S THE SAME PLACE.
IF YOU'RE WITHIN A BLOCK
OF WHERE THIS GUY LIVES,
YOU WILL BE ROBBED
AT SOME POINT.
THAT'S PRETTY MUCH THE WAY
THIS GUY OPERATES.
narrator: COMING UP--
19 MOMENTS DOWN,
ONLY ONE LEFT.
FIND OUT WHAT TOPS
THE COUNTDOWN.
AND LIFE LESSONS FROM
GARY BUSEY.
Gary: YOU DISCOVER THINGS
LIKE THIS ABOUT LIFE, HUMANITY,
THE INFRASTRUCTURE
OF THE SOCIAL LIFE.
narrator: NEXT.
narrator: GERARD DOMINICK,
THE BASSIST FOR
THE COLIN JOHN BAND,
WAS PLAYING A GIG AT A CLUB
IN AKRON, OHIO.
man: I LOVE THE BASS.
narrator: AFTER THE GIG,
GERARD LOCKS HIS
TWO BELOVED BASS GUITARS
IN A VAN OUTSIDE HIS APARTMENT.
IN THE MORNING, HE DISCOVERS
THEY'VE BEEN STOLEN.
Gary: CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW IT IS
TO LOSE SOMETHING
THAT'S PART OF YOUR FAMILY ?
LIKE A BASS GUITAR ?
narrator: ACTING ON A HUNCH,
GERARD VISITS A LOCAL PAWN SHOP.
Gerard: HEY, MAN, HAS ANYONE
COME IN HERE TO SELL A BASS ?
narrator: AND LO AND BEHOLD,
IN WALKS DUMB CRIMINAL
NUMBER ONE.
man: YO, MAN,
I GOT A BASS TO SELL !
WHO'S BUYING BASSES ?
YEAH, THIS LOOKS LIKE
THE RIGHT PLACE TO SELL A BASS.
Brad: THIS IS PROOF
THAT GOD HATES CRIMINALS.
Ron: IT WOULD BE BAD LUCK,
IF HE WENT TO PAWN THE GUITAR
500 MILES AWAY
IN A DIFFERENT STATE
AND BUMPED INTO THE OWNER.
THAT WOULD BE BAD LUCK.
THIS IS JUST STUPID.
narrator: GERARD IMMEDIATELY
COMES UP WITH A PLAN.
Gary: HE SAID TO THE CLERK,
"CALL THE POLICE.
"CALL 9-1-1.
"GET THE POLICE HERE.
THAT'S THE THIEF !"
Leif: HE WENT FROM MUSICIAN
TO UNDERCOVER-COP MODE.
Gerard: NOW, LISTEN.
YOU KEEP HIM OCCUPIED.
I'LL WATCH THE EXIT.
THIS GUY IS NOT LEAVING
'TIL THE COPS GET HERE,
YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING ?
Tom: I CAN'T BELIEVE
HOW COOL THE GUY WAS.
I WOULD'VE ATTACKED HIM.
I WOULD'VE STARTED CHOKING HIM.
narrator: THE COPS ARRIVE
IN MINUTES.
Gerard: THAT'S HIM RIGHT THERE.
narrator: THEY ASKED THE SUSPECT
FOR IDENTIFICATION.
man: I GOT I.D.
narrator: HE PULLS OUT
A FEW DIFFERENT I.D.s,
SEVERAL DRIVER'S LICENSES,
AND GERARD'S BUSINESS CARD.
Brad: USUALLY, WHEN A COP
ASKS FOR I.D., HE WANTS YOURS,
NOT THE 18 YOU'VE RIPPED OFF
FROM PEOPLE IN THE LAST MONTH.
Bryan: I USED TO BE
A SMALL, WHITE WOMAN,
BUT THEN I HAD THAT OPERATION.
narrator: THE THIEF IS ARRESTED.
officer: ALL RIGHT,
THAT'S ENOUGH, LET'S GO.
HANDS BEHIND YOUR BACK.
narrator: AND GERARD IS REUNITED
WITH HIS BELOVED BASSES.
man: OH, YEAH !
I LOVE THE BASS.
Gary: PAY ATTENTION
TO WHAT YOU HAVE.
HOLD IT STRONG AND DEAR.
DON'T LET IT GO.
THANK YOU.
WHEN YOU DISCOVER THINGS
LIKE THIS ABOUT LIFE,
HUMANITY, THE INFRASTRUCTURE
OF THE SOCIAL LIFE,
PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT'S GOOD
FOR OTHERS.
PAY ATTENTION ON THE FEELINGS
OF OTHERS FIRST.
START EVERY CONVERSATION
WITH A COMPLIMENT.
DO IT WITH GRACE, KINDNESS,
UNDERSTANDING, AND THEN
YOU'LL HAVE FRIENDS FOR LIFE
WHO WILL NEVER FORGET THE
GOODNESS YOU HAVE IN YOUR HEART.
AND THAT WRAPS IT UP HERE TODAY.
ONCE AGAIN, I'M GARY BUSEY,
AND I'LL BE BACK AGAIN
WITH MORE STORIES.
MORE STORIES TO ENLIGHTEN YOU,
GIVE YOU AWARENESS,
AND MAKE YOU HAPPY
JUST BEING YOU,
'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT
IT'S ALL ABOUT.
JUST BE HAPPY WITH BEING YOU.
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