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- FROM NEW YORK CITY, IT'S "THE CHRIS ROCK SHOW!"
TONIGHT, ACTRESS JENIFER LEWIS,
AND MUSICAL GUEST D'ANGELO,
RAPHAEL SAADIQ, ALI SHAHEED MUHAMMAD,
AND QUESTLOVE.
PLUS, MUSICAL DIRECTOR GRANDMASTER FLASH.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, CHRIS ROCK!
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY HOME BOX OFFICE, INC.
- [CHEERING]
- YEAH, WHAT'S UP, YA'LL?
WELCOME.
WELCOME TO "THE CHRIS ROCK SHOW!"
- [CHEERING]
- WELCOME--
TO "THE CHRIS ROCK SHOW!"
SPECIAL-- THIS IS A SPE--
THIS IS A--VALENTINE'S DAY.
VALENTINE'S DAY,
EVERYBODY'S CELEBRATIN' VALENTINE'S DAY.
IT'S A DAY FOR EVERYBODY, RIGHT?
- [LAUGHING]
VALENTINE'S DAY IS NICE.
YOU KNOW, VALENTINE'S DAY IS A WOMAN DAY.
DON'T GOT NOTHIN' TO DO WITH A MAN.
- [CHEERING]
[APPLAUSE]
- I DON'T WANT NO FLOWERS,
I DON'T WANT NO CANDY.
THAT'S ALL ABOUT YA'LL.
YOU GO IN THE CARD SHOP TODAY,
YOU AIN'T SEE NO WOMEN ON LINE.
IT'S A BUNCH OF TIRED *** MEN--
- [LAUGHING]
- YOU KNOW?
WE AIN'T ALL GONE TO CARD SHOPS,
GOIN' TO ANY STORE, JUST A BUNCH OF MEN.
WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT Y'ALL WANT.
YOU KNOW, WE JUST ASK THE SALES LADY,
"UH, WHAT YOU LIKE?"
- [LAUGHING]
- THAT'S ALL IT IS.
WHAT'S THE BIG--WHAT'S THE BIG NEWS THIS WEEK?
MICHAEL JACKSON-- MICHAEL JACKSON HAD A BABY.
MICHAEL JACKSON HAD A BABY.
A BABY BOY.
YES--I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP.
MICHAEL JACKSON HAD A BABY BOY.
AND ACTUALLY, THE BABY CAME OUT A LITTLE EARLY,
'CAUSE THE BABY IS JUST LIKE HIS DADDY, YOU KNOW,
LAST PLACE HE WANT TO BE WAS INSIDE A WOMAN.
- [LAUGHING]
[APPLAUSE]
- UH...
- [LAUGHING]
- THIS WEEK, O.J. MAKES THE COVER OF THE NEW YORK POST.
HE'S GOTTA PAY ALL THIS MONEY NOW.
SO O.J. SAID, "THIS IS FAR FROM OVER!
THIS IS FAR FROM OVER!" WHAT IS HE SAYING?
WHAT IS HE SAYING?
WHAT--HE GONNA KILL FRED GOLDMAN NEXT?
- [LAUGHING]
- "I'M GONNA GET YOU, GOLDMAN!
YOU'RE A DEAD MAN!"
- [LAUGHING]
- UH...
LAST WEEK, UH, MY MAN OLIVER MCCALL--
WHAT'S THIS? OLIVER MCCALL...
BROKE DOWN AND STARTED CRYIN'
DURING A BOXING MATCH.
JUST BROKE DOWN, JUST STARTED CRYIN'.
HE WAS FIGHTIN' LENNOX LEWIS,
HE STARTED CRYIN', HE SAID, "WHAT'S WRONG?"
HE SAID, "I THOUGHT IT WAS JERRY LEWIS."
- [LAUGHING]
- UH, SPEAKIN' OF THAT, OH--FAYE RESNICK!
FAYE RESNICK, YOU KNOW, SPEAKIN' OF O.J. EARLIER,
HAS GOTTEN--ACTUALLY, RIGHT NOW, ON THE STANDS,
FAYE RESNICK IS NUDE IN "PLAYBOY" MAGAZINE.
NUDE IN "PLAYBOY" MAGAZINE.
YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS SAY,
IF YOU WANT CREDIBILITY,
AND YOU WANT PEOPLE TO LISTEN
TO WHAT YOU GOT TO SAY,
SHOW YOUR ***.
- [LAUGHING]
- SHOW YOUR ***.
UH, WHAT HAPPENED TODAY?
SNOOP DOGG AND PUFFY
APPEARED ON THE "STEVE HARVEY SHOW,"
TO MEND THE RIFT BETWEEN THE EAST COAST
AND THE WEST COAST RAPPERS.
THAT WAS KINDA COOL.
- [CHEERING]
- THAT WAS COOL.
- [APPLAUSE]
- YOU KNOW, THEY DID IT, THEY MENDED THE RIFT.
NOW THEY JUST NEED SOMEBODY
TO MEND THE RIFT BETWEEN TV VIEWERS
AND THE "STEVE HARVEY SHOW."
- [LAUGHING]
- COME ON, NOW, NO--I MEAN,
I DON'T WANT TO DIS STEVE HARVEY.
I LIKE STEVE HARVEY.
I WATCH THE "APOLLO" EVERY WEEK,
BUT IF YOU'RE GONNA ANNOUNCE SOMETHING IMPORTANT,
WHY WOULD YOU ANNOUNCE IT ON THE W.B.?
NOBODY WATCHES THE W.B.!
YOU COULD ANNOUNCE THE CURE FOR AIDS ON THE W.B.,
AND NOBODY WOULD FIND OUT FOR A WEEK.
- [LAUGHING]
NOW, AS YOU ALL KNOW, TODAY IS VALENTINE'S DAY.
IT'S A DAY WHEN PEOPLE THINK ABOUT
LOVE AND ROMANCE.
THAT'S WHY THEY GOT ALL THESE BOOKS OUT
ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS.
AND RIGHT NOW, ONE OF THE BEST-SELLING BOOKS
ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS IS "THE RULES."
EVERYBODY KNOWS ABOUT "THE RULES."
THAT'S RIGHT.
YA'LL FOLLOW YOUR RULES, RIGHT?
IT'S ABOUT HOW TO GET A MAN TO MARRY HER.
THAT'S RIGHT--
HOW DO WOMEN GET A MAN TO MARRY HER?
WITH TIPS LIKE:
DON'T ACCEPT THE SATURDAY NIGHT DATE AFTER WEDNESDAY.
- [LAUGHING]
- I'M GONNA CALL YOU ON FRIDAY MORNIN'.
THAT'S RIGHT--SO NOW, OF COURSE,
YOU KNEW THEY WOULD COME OUT
WITH A MALE VERSION OF "THE RULES."
THEY HAVE A MALE VERSION AND IT'S RIGHT HERE.
IT'S CALLED "IKE TURNER'S RULES."
- [LAUGHING]
- AND "IKE TURNER'S RULES" HAS GREAT RULES,
LIKE "RULE NUMBER 1: SHUT UP."
- [LAUGHING]
- "RULE NUMBER 2: I SAID, SHUT UP!"
- [APPLAUSE]
- "RULE NUMBER 3: NO MORE THAN 2 FEET
IN THE *** AT ONE TIME."
AND "RULE NUMBER 4: I TOLD YOU,
SHUT THE *** UP!"
- [CHEERING]
- I WANT TO THANK EVERYBODY FOR COMIN' OUT,
I WANT YOU TO THANK MY DJ, MY PAL,
THE ORIGINAL HIP-HOP DJ HIMSELF,
GRANDMASTER FLEX!
- [CHEERING]
- NOW, I REMEMBER WHEN I WENT TO SCHOOL,
THE BEST WAY TO LEARN SOMETHING
WAS BY WATCHING ONE OF THOSE OLD FILM STRIPS.
NOW, WITH THIS IN MIND,
I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE COOL
TO MAKE UP ONE OF THOSE FILM STRIPS ABOUT
AN ADULT TOPIC,
SOMETHING WE ALL COULD RELATE TO TODAY--
ROMANCE.
SO, LIGHTS, PLEASE? SOMEONE, HELP ME OUT?
[BEEPS]
[SONG PLAYS]
[BEEP]
HELLO. I'M CHRIS ROCK.
FINDING THE RIGHT SOMEONE
IS DIFFERENT THAN IT USED TO BE.
[BEEP]
BUT ONE THING REMAINS THE SAME.
[BEEP]
IT STILL TAKES A MAN LIKE THIS--
[BEEP]
TO GET A WOMAN LIKE THIS.
[BEEP]
OR LIKE THIS.
GOT!
[BEEP]
HEY, WHAT YA'LL DOIN' AFTER THE SHOW?
CAN I GET ANYBODY A DRINK?
[BEEP]
BUT I DIGRESS.
[BEEP]
THE FIRST DATE IS VERY IMPORTANT.
THE BEST ADVICE IS TO BE YOURSELF,
UNLESS...
[BEEP]
YOUR NAME IS MICHAEL IRVIN.
[BEEP]
LADIES... ALWAYS GIVE YOUR DATE
YOUR FULL AND UNDIVIDED ATTENTION.
MAKE THAT MAN FEEL SPECIAL!
[BEEP]
HEY, WHAT YOU DOIN', GIRL?
GET YOUR HANDS OFF HIS ***!
[BEEP]
HAVING SHARED INTERESTS IS CRUCIAL
TO A BUDDING ROMANCE.
[BEEP]
THESE 2 KOOKY KIDS APPEAR TO HAVE
A LONG FUTURE AHEAD OF THEM.
[BEEP]
MEETING A NEW PERSON'S PARENTS
IS A VERY IMPORTANT TEST.
[BEEP]
THIS YOUNG MAN
APPEARS TO HAVE PASSED WITH FLYING COLORS.
[BEEP]
HEY, YOUR BREAKING MY KNEES!
GET OFF OF ME, YOU OLD FREAK!
[BEEP]
GUESS WHAT?
I NEVER READ ANY OF THESE BOOKS.
[BEEP]
WHEN IT COMES TO REMAINING FAITHFUL,
PEOPLE FALL INTO 2 CATEGORIES:
[BEEP]
MEN WHO CHEAT,
[BEEP]
AND MEN WHO GET CAUGHT CHEATING.
[BEEP]
DON'T RUSH INTO A RELATIONSHIP.
IT'S IMPORTANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT SOMEONE
BEFORE YOU GET TOO INVOLVED.
[BEEP]
- [LAUGHING]
- SOMETIMES RELATIONSHIPS JUST DON'T WORK OUT.
[BEEP]
- [LAUGHING]
[BEEP]
- IF YOU'RE INVOLVED IN A BREAKUP,
DON'T BE DEPRESSED.
THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO
IS GET RIGHT BACK UP ON THE HORSE.
[BEEP]
GIVE THE NEW RELATIONSHIP TIME.
[BEEP]
DON'T EXPECT IT TO BE
LIKE THE LOVE YOU'VE LOST.
[BEEP]
AND IF IT DOESN'T WORK OUT,
DON'T BE DISCOURAGED.
[BEEP]
THERE'S STILL PLENTY OF FISH IN THE SEA.
[BEEP]
- [CHEERING]
- I WANT TO THANK LIL' KIM FOR DOIN' THAT.
NOW OUR FIRST GUEST HAS APPEARED ON STAGE,
SCREEN, AND FILM, AND YOU MAY KNOW HER
FROM HER AMAZING PERFORMANCES
IN "THE PREACHER'S WIFE,"
AND "WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?"
PLEASE WELCOME THE DIVA, MISS JENIFER LEWIS!
- [CHEERING]
[WHISTLES]
- AAH, HA HA HA!
HEY, LITTLE BIT!
- HA HA!
- HOW YOU DOIN'?
LOOK AT THAT SUIT, YOU'RE SO CUTE.
AIN'T HE CUTE?
- YEAH!
[CHEERING]
- YEAH.
- THANK YOU, JENIFER.
- THANK YOU, BABY.
- OH, MY GOD.
SO ANYTHING, UH-- HOW YOU GONNA DO--
SPEND THIS VALENTINE'S DAY, JENIFER?
- MMM...WELL, I GOT A LITTLE...
CHOCOLATE IN HERE, AND...
- WOW.
- GOT SOME SPECIAL THINGS FOR YOU.
- WOO-HOO!
[APPLAUSE]
- WE'LL JUST ASK THE AUDIENCE.
SHOULD I PUT THEM ON,
OR SHOULD I PUT THEM ON HIM?
- ON HIM!
- THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
- STAND UP.
- NO! THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
- YOU'RE NOT GONNA DO IT?
- NO, 'CAUSE I GOTTA DO A WHOLE SHOW--
- ALL RIGHT, WELL, WAIT A MINUTE.
- YOU KNOW, WHEN I DO GET ARRESTED LATER,
THE POLICE ARE GONNA HAVE TO TAKE THOSE OFF
TO PUT THE REAL ONES ON ME.
- NOW THAT'S FUNNY.
NOW WAIT A MINUTE, HOLD ON A SECOND.
HOLD ON.
MM.
THIS IS TURNING ME ON, HOLD ON.
OH, IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY!
- YES, IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY.
- I SAID I'D BE PROVOCATIVE.
- REALLY.
- I JUST WANTED TO DO THAT.
- [CHEERING]
- GET IT?
WHERE'S THE CAMERA? WHICH CAMERA'S ON?
- UH, THAT CAMERA.
- OK, WAIT A MINUTE, HOLD IT.
- [LAUGHING]
- FABULOUS POSE.
ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH OF THAT.
YOU KNOW I AIN'T NEVER BEEN IN NO HANDCUFFS.
- REALLY?
- YOU'LL NEVER GET NO MAN TO HOLD ME DOWN.
- [CHEERING]
- IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY!
- THAT'S RIGHT, BABY.
OH, YEAH, I GOTTA, IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY.
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
- EVERYBODY SAY THAT, VALENTINE'S DAY.
- VALENTINE'S DAY!
- OH, NICE!
YOU DID IT JUST THE WAY I DID IT,
SHE WENT, VALENTINE...
- [LAUGHING]
- SO, WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' THIS VALENTINE'S DAY?
- WELL, I'M DOIN' YOUR SHOW, BABY,
AND THEN I GOTTA--
- WHAT'S AFTER THE SHOW?
- YOU WANT THE TRUTH-- - I WANT SOME TRUTH.
WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON?
- WELL, I'M-- - DO YOU GOT A MAN?
- WELL, I...
JUST FLYING BACK TO L.A. TO MEET SOMEBODY
THAT I JUST MET.
- ANYBODY I KNOW? - MM, NASTY.
[LAUGHING]
IT'S NOBODY YOU KNOW, BUT I GOTTA TELL YOU,
I MET HIM AT THE, UH--
PREMIERE OF, UH, EDDIE MURPHY'S "METRO."
- OK.
- AND HE WAS SO GORGEOUS,
I WAS LIKE, OH, MY GOD, HE'S GOT TO BE GAY.
HE'S TOO GORGEOUS.
BUT HE WASN'T.
- YOU JUST SAID THAT I WAS CUTE,
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
- [APPLAUSE]
- I'M CUTE, BUT NOT GAY CUTE.
- YEAH, HA HA HA HA!
BECAUSE I KNOW YOUR WIFE, AND I KNOW YOU.
- OK.
- AND NOW I KNOW HIM.
NO, I GET-- NO, I REALLY,
I DIDN'T KNOW, YOU KNOW, WE WERE TALKIN',
AND I WAS LIKE, OH, HE'S JUST A FAN OR WHATEVER.
THEN HE GAVE ME THE NASTY EYE.
- WAIT, WHA--WHAT'S WA--WHAT--
THE NASTY EYE?
- YOU KNOW WHAT THE NASTY EYE IS.
THE NASTY EYE IS WHEN A GUY LOOKS AT YOU
AND HE REALLY WANTS YOU.
YOU KNOW HE WANTS YOU.
OR HE WANTS TO TALK FURTHER.
- OK, THAT--I TRY TO HIDE THE NASTY EYE.
I GOT--I GOT, LIKE, THE NASTY EYE,
THEN I GOT THAT MUMBLE UNDER MY BREATH.
I'M LOOKIN' AT YOU, GOING, BOY,
I CAN'T WAIT TO GET AHOLD OF THIS--
- [LAUGHING]
- BOY...
BOY...
HA HA HA!
JUST TALKIN' TO YOURSELF,
BOY, LOOK AT THE *** ON THAT ONE.
- [LAUGHING]
- BOY, I HOPE SHE THE WHOLE--
HEY!
YOU LIKE YOUR SOUP?
- OH, GOD!
OH, GOD.
WE DO THE SAME THING, WOMEN DO THE SAME THING.
WE BE LIKE--OH, OH, GOD, OH, GOD, OH, GOD.
HI, HOW ARE YOU?
- HA HA!
- SAME THING.
- SO, HOW--OK, YOU MET HIM AT "METRO,"
SO THIS-- THIS IS A COUPLE OF MONTHS.
- YEAH, IT'S FRESH AND NEW,
AND I HAVEN'T SLEPT WITH HIM YET,
BUT I'M...GONNA.
- [LAUGHING]
- NOT YET?
- OH, NO, BECAUSE YOU KNOW YOU GOTTA WAIT,
YOU GOTTA REALLY GET TO KNOW SOMEBODY
NOW, YOU KNOW? AND...YOU KNOW,
I'M ALL SPECIAL, AND...
- [LAUGHING]
- SOFT, AND RICH...
AND--NAH, JUST KIDDIN'! THERE'S ANOTHER LINE.
AND CHEAP.
- [LAUGHING]
- SO HOW LONG SHOULD A GUY WAIT?
- A GUY OR A GIRL?
- HOW LONG SHOULD A GIRL WAIT, I'M SORRY.
- WELL, I THINK YOU SHOULD JUST WAIT UNTIL
YOU REALLY KNOW THE PERSON,
BECAUSE, I MEAN,
AFTER ALL THAT SWEATIN' AND PANTIN' AND
ALL OF THAT THING THAT YOU DO WHEN WE DO,
THEN WHAT?
IT'S LIKE, YOU ROLL OVER AND GO--
OH, MY GOD, WHAT AM I GONNA SAY TO THIS PERSON?
SO YOU DON'T WANT THAT.
YOU WANT TO BE ABLE TO, LIKE,
YOU KNOW, TURN OVER AND GO,
UH--HI...
- [LAUGHING]
- SEE THAT'S WHERE WOMEN HAVE THEIR MOST POWER, TOO.
BEFORE YOU DO IT.
- I--I DON'T--
- RIGHT BEFORE, LIKE, THAT MOMENT
RIGHT BEFORE YOU DO IT.
AFTER IT, THEN IT'S LIKE, HEY.
- AH!
- HEY...
- [LAUGHING]
- NO, EVEN IF--
TO THAT MOMENT, IT'S LIKE--
YOU KNOW THAT, LIKE,
"I'M GONNA GET IT TOMORROW," RIGHT?
THEN YOU CAN GET THEM TO DO ANYTHING?
AFTER YOU DO IT, YOU KNOW.
"I NEED YOU TO GO PICK UP SOMETHIN'."
"THEN WHAT?"
- [LAUGHING]
- "AND I DON'T GET SOMETHIN'?
YOU GOT SOMETHIN' NEW?"
- NOW YOU KNOW WOMEN, I MEAN,
WE'RE POWERFUL ALL THE TIME.
BUT YOU GUYS ARE REAL POWERFUL, TOO.
I HAVE TO GIVE IT UP, YOU KNOW.
-YA'LL, YA'LL, YA'LL--
- RIGHT AFTER, YOU ALL ARE LIKE--
ANYWAY, YOU KNOW, SO...
- WHAT, WHAT--
- NO, REALLY!
OH, GRANDMASTER SAID, HEY!
WELL, EXCUSE ME, GRANDMASTER.
- OH, RIGHT AFTER,
RIGHT AFTER DOIN' IT WITH YOU, YEAH--
- OH, NOW, NOW, COME ON, NOW--
- THAT'LL PUT THE AVERAGE GUY OUT, I WOULD IMAGINE.
- I'M A *** LIKE MADONNA.
REMEMBER THAT SONG-- REMEMBER, SHE CAME OUT--
LIKE A ***, HOO!
I WAS LIKE, MISS THING, PLEASE.
- [LAUGHING]
- SO WHAT DO YOU PREFER, BLACK OR WHITE MEN?
- UM--LET'S PUT IT LIKE THIS.
UM...
WHITE MEN ARE NICE, BLACK MEN ARE REAL NICE.
- [CHEERING]
- HA HA HA!
WOO!
MERCY, MERCY, MERCY.
- HA HA HA HA!
- OH, YEAH. - REAL NICE.
- YEAH.
I WAS GOIN' OUT WITH THIS WHITE BOY, YOU KNOW,
AND I DON'T KNOW, SOMETHIN' MUST HAVE HAPPENED
IN HIS CHILDHOOD...
AND HE GOT ALL CONFUSED,
AND HE THOUGHT--LIKE, YOU KNOW,
THE WORLD OWED HIM SOMETHING,
I--I SAID MAYBE, THE WORLD--
OWES YOU SOMETHING, BUT I DON'T.
SO I COULDN'T TAKE CARE OF HIM,
I COULDN'T TAKE HIM BACK TO MY HOMETOWN
AND SAY LOOK--LOOK AT MY AUNTS, AND GO--
UH, LOOK, I'M SUPPORTING A MAN--
-- YOU SUPPORTED A WHITE MAN?
- AH, HA HA!
THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYIN'! THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYIN'!
THAT'S WHAT SHE WOULD'VE SAID!
A WHITE MAN?
THAT'S THE ULTIMATE INSULT TO THE ANCESTORS.
- IF YOU'RE GONNA GET A WHITE MAN,
DON'T GET A BROKE ONE.
- THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYIN'!
- [APPLAUSE]
- THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYIN'!
YOU ARE A FOOL.
- WHY?
- YOU ARE A FOOL.
- ALL THE WHITE MEN OUT THERE...
- YOU ARE A FOOL.
- YOU GIVE BILL GATES SOMETHIN' AND GET ON WITH--
- AH, HA HA HA!
NO, BUT I'M THROUGH.
THE ONE I JUST MET'S BLACK AND THAT'S NICE.
- THAT'S NICE.
WELL I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT.
- YEAH, IS THAT ALL? DO I GET SOME SUGAR?
- YOU GET WHATEVER YOU WANT.
- OH, NOW, NOW.
- IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY.
- YEAH, THANK YOU, BABY.
- THANK YOU. - WHERE'S YOUR WIFE?
- SHE'S OVER IN-- - ALL RIGHT, GIRL.
I AIN'T GONNA GO NO FURTHER, GIRL.
- "THE CHRIS ROCK SHOW" IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY
THE HARLEM LAW OFFICES OF PERVIS, PERVIS, AND PLATT.
PERVIS, PERVIS, AND PLATT
HAS BEEN SERVING THE HARLEM COMMUNITY SINCE 1829.
PERVIS, PERVIS, AND PLATT IS A FULLY FUNCTIONAL,
ROUND THE CLOCK LAW FIRM, DEDICATED TO MEETING
ALL THE NEEDS OF THE COMMUNITY IT SERVES.
AND THAT'S WHY AT PERVIS, PERVIS, AND PLATT
NOT ONLY DO WE PRACTICE LAW,
BUT WE ALSO BRAID HAIR. THAT'S RIGHT.
WE PRACTICE LAW, WE BRAID HAIR.
AND WE'VE BEEN THERE FOR ALL THE LANDMARK DECISIONS.
PLESSY VERSUS FERGUSON.
BROWN VERSUS BORED OF EDUCATION.
ALI VERSUS FRAZIER.
- I JUST GOT HIT BY A BUS!
- CALL PERVIS AND PLATT.
- I'M TENDER HEADED.
- CALL PERVIS AND PLATT.
NOT ONLY DOES PERVIS AND PLATT
PRACTICE LAW AND BRAID HAIR,
NOW PERVIS AND PLATT DOES NAILS.
CALL PERVIS AND PLATT NOW.
- THANK YOU!
OK.
TRADITIONALLY ON VALENTINE'S DAY,
WE DO SOMETHING SPECIAL AND SOMETHING NICE
FOR THAT SOMEONE IN OUR LIVES.
BUT THIS YEAR, I THOUGHT I'D DO
SOMETHIN' A LITTLE DIFFERENT.
I THOUGHT I'D SHOW MY APPRECIATION...
BY DOING SOMETHING SPECIAL
FOR ALL THE SOMEONE'S WHO HAVE BEEN IN MY LIFE.
SO I GOT SOME GIFTS, WENT OUT AND SURPRISED
SOME OF MY EX-GIRLFRIENDS.
LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENED.
HI, KIM.
- OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD!
- HA HA!
- I CAN'T WIN. OH, MY GOD.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- I'M APOLOGIZING FOR BEING SUCH AN ***.
CANDY...FOR YOU.
- OH, THANK YOU.
- FLOWERS...
AND PIG FEET.
- [LAUGHING]
- THANKS A LOT, CHRIS.
- HELLO?
- [SCREAMS]
- OH, SH--
MM...
MY GOSH!
CHRIS!
AH, HA, HA, DAMN!
OH, MY GOD.
- HOW YOU DOIN', HOPE?
- HOW YOU DOIN'?
- I'M ALL RIGHT, I GOT SOME STUFF FOR YOU.
- OH, MY-- OH, MY GOSH.
- FLOWERS... I GOT, UM...
CANDY.
- [LAUGHS]
- I GOT MORE CANDY...
- WHY ARE YOU DOIN' THIS?
- I GOT PIG FEET. UH...
- PIG FEET?
CHRIS, WHY YOU DOIN' THIS?
- [CHEERING]
OH!
- HI, STEPH!
- [GASPS] OH, ***!
[GIGGLES]
HI, CHRIS, HOW ARE YOU?
CHRIS IS DIFFERENT FROM
THE GUYS THAT I USUALLY AM ATTRACTED TO.
HE'S--HE'S A GOOD GUY,
HE'S A GREAT GUY. HE'S A NICE GUY.
- HE LIED TO ME.
- [LAUGHS]
- HE, UM... I FELT TOTALLY BETRAYED,
I FELT LIKE...
- [LAUGHING]
- HE DECEIVED ME.
SO I FOUND THIS USED ***
IN THE FRONT SEAT OF THE CAR,
AND I PICKED IT UP, AND I'M LIKE--
WHAT IS THIS?
OF COURSE, KNOWING IT IS WHAT IT WAS,
AND HE SAID, "OH, IT WAS MY BROTHER'S."
- FOR SOME REASON I DON'T ATTRACT NICE GUYS.
- YOU HAD A BOYFRIEND THAT WAS SHOT 7 TIMES,
AND YOU STILL WOULDN'T GO OUT WITH ME?
- [LAUGHS]
- I'D RATHER ALMOST DIE...
THAN GIVE YOU A SHOT.
- WHERE'S MY HEART? WHERE'S MY VALENTINE?
- WHERE'S YOUR HEART, WHERE'S YOUR VALENTINE?
OK.
- WHAT'S THE NICEST GIFT HE EVER GAVE YOU?
- UM... A DIAMOND BRACELET.
- WHAT'S THE WORST GIFT HE EVER GOT YOU?
- UNDERWEAR?
- WH--WHAT, WAS IT SEXY UNDERWEAR?
THAT WAS THE PROBLEM?
- YES.
- WHAT KIND OF UNDERWEAR WAS IT?
- OK...
YOU KNOW, LIKE, GRANDMA?
THE BIG...WOMEN'S.
- WHAT WAS THE WORST GIFT HE EVER GOT YOU?
- I THINK HE BOUGHT ME SOME UNDERWEAR.
- WHAT WAS THE WORST GIFT HE EVER GOT YOU?
- UM...
A PAIR OF UNDERWEAR.
HAH.
- WERE YOU FAITHFUL TO CHRIS?
- YES, I WAS.
- BUT YOU HAD A BABY WHILE WE WERE DATING.
- [LAUGHING]
- I'M JUST SAYIN', YOU KNOW.
NEXT THING, YOU KNOW, AND SHE WAS PREGNANT,
AND SHE WOULDN'T EVEN SAY ANYTHING.
IT WAS WEIRD, IT WAS LIKE THIS THING
WE PRETENDED LIKE IT WASN'T THERE.
AND THE STOMACH WAS JUST BIGGER--
- ALWAYS HAD LOVE FOR YOU, BABE.
- IT WAS, LIKE, WEIRD.
- ALWAYS HAD LOVE FOR YOU.
- AND PEOPLE WOULD GO, "HEY, CONGRATULATIONS!"
AND I'M LIKE, YEAH...
- OH!
- DO YOU KNOW THAT JUSTIN SAID TO ME,
"MOMMY, WHY'D YOU MARRY DADDY?"
OUR FATHER COULD'VE BEEN CHRIS ROCK!
I TOLD CHRIS WHAT YOU SAID TO ME THE OTHER DAY.
- WHAT?
- THAT'S CHRIS ROCK?
- ABOUT WHY'D I MARRY DADDY.
- HEY, HOW'S IT GOIN', DARRYL?
- OH, MY GOD.
- [LAUGHING]
- CHRISTOPHER, WHAT'S UP, BROTHER?
- OH, MAN, THIS IS SO GREAT
THAT YOU INVITED ME INTO THE FAMILY.
I--I FEEL GREAT.
- [LAUGHING]
[CHEERING]
- HEY, ALL RIGHT.
- SO, FELLAS, DO YOU SEE?
IT DOESN'T TAKE MUCH TO MAKE A WOMAN FEEL GOOD,
JUST THE OLD STANDBY, FLOWERS AND CANDY.
RIGHT, GIRLS?
- YES.
- [CHEERING]
- HERE TO DO A SPECIAL
VALENTINE'S DAY PERFORMANCE
IS D'ANGELO, RAPHAEL SAADIQ,
ALI SHAHEED MUHAMMAD, AND QUESTLOVE!
COME ON!
- [CHEERING]
- ALL RIGHT, YA'LL READY TO GET DOWN?
- 1, 2, 3.
- [CHEERING]
[APPLAUSE]
- HEY, I'D LIKE TO THANK OUR GUESTS,
JENIFER LEWIS AND MY SPECIAL MUSICAL GUESTS.
WE'RE GONNA BE SEEIN' A LOT MORE OF THEM,
THEY'RE GONNA BE PERFORMIN' TOGETHER,
SO WATCH OUT!
YO, FLASH, TAKE US OUT OF HERE, ALL RIGHT?
[MUSIC PLAYS]
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