Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
-God. -Take a deep breath.
No, that´s not Oliver Welles.
Are you sure?
Oliver wasn´t bald. Jesus Christ! What...
Oh, my God.
I-I didn´t know he, uh -- he had a...
We -- We didn´t socialize.
-How did he -- -Die?
Okay.
"The deceased was sleeping
in the northbound lane of Trafalgar Road
and was run over by a semitrailer
at approximately 3:24 a.m. in the morning.
He was sleeping in the road?
Doctor said your friend was intoxicated. Drunk.
Well, he was celebrating.
Ah, good.
Died with a smile on his face.
Not a bad way to go, all things considered.
Thanks.
So there´s some paperwork to do.
And the question of what you´d like us to do with his body.
What? What do you mean?
The Mortimer brothers do wonderful work.
Oh, yes, the Mortimer brothers. They´re great!
They did my grandmother.
She was all rotted out from cancer, but you´d never know.
-Fine. The Mortimer brothers. -Good choice.
There´s an office down the hall where you can do all the forms.
After you.
[ Sighs ]
Fellas?
My favorite bird.
Oh, no.
[ Piano plays intro to "Cheer Up, Hamlet" ]
♫ Cheer up, Hamlet ♫
♫ Chin up, Hamlet ♫
♫ Buck up, you melancholy Dane ♫
♫ So your uncle is a cad ♫
♫ Who murdered Dad and married Mum ♫
♫ That´s really no excuse to be as glum as you´ve become ♫
♫ So wise up, Hamlet ♫
♫ Rise up, Hamlet ♫
♫ Perk up and sing a new refrain ♫
♫ Your incessant monologizing fills the castle with ennui ♫
♫ Your antic disposition is embarrassing to see ♫
♫ And by the way, you sulky brat ♫
♫ The answer is "To be" ♫
♫ You´re driving poor Ophelia insane ♫
♫ So shut up, you rogue and peasant ♫
♫ Grow up, it´s most unpleasant ♫
♫ Cheer up, you melancholy Dane ♫
[ Cheers and applause ]
Subtitling made possible by RLJ Entertainment
I had to identify the body.
I didn´t recognize it at first.
His head was bald.
Yeah. You got to hold it together now.
-RICHARD: I´m okay. -Did he have any family?
Uh, yeah, he had a mother.
No, wait. She died a few years ago.
Good. For you.
No grieving relatives to deal with.
Are you up to this, honey?
Yeah. It´s just, you know, so unreal.
I guess that the board will have to meet.
No, I´ll take care of the board.
No, I should -- I should call them myself.
No, you´ve got enough on your plate.
I´ll call the board, and we´ll convene ASAP.
Where are you now?
I´m at the morgue.
Oh, God. The morgue.
Don´t get all weepy on me.
You´re gonna be no use whatsoever.
Go to the theater. Get to work. I´ll call you in an hour.
-Okay? -[ Beep ]
Yeah. Okay.
Smoking at the morgue.
We´re asking for trouble, eh? [ Chuckles ]
CLAIRE: Skipping out for an audition is serious business.
You could get fired.
I know, but it´s my stupid agent.
I can´t say no to him. He just yells at me.
-What´s it for? -Corny Smacks.
Oh.
Ha! I´m eating them right now.
They have eight essential vitamins
and are a wonderfully crunchy way to start your day.
Um, they have 12 essential vitamins.
-12? -Mm-hmm.
***. Okay. They have 12 essential vitamins.
Kate, don´t get fired ´cause of Corny Smacks, okay?
Look, I´m just --
I´m gonna go and I´m gonna do this stupid audition,
and then I´m gonna come right back, okay?
I just need you to cover. Please?
-Yeah, okay. -Thank you.
-Bye. -Bye.
[ Sighs ] Okay.
They have 12 essential vitamins
and are a wonderful way to start your day.
They have 12 essential vitamins
and are a wonderful way to start your day.
A wonderfully crunchy way.
Right. Thank you.
[ Clears throat ]
Coat.
RICHARD: No, I have to cancel.
No, I can´t.
Because there´s been a death.
Look, bleaching my teeth
is not a priority for me right now, thank you.
Ellen´s on line two.
Ellen. Right.
Ellen.
Get out!
-What? -S-Sorry, sweetie.
You should go now. Sweetie.
We´ll need to write up a memo
to tell the staff and the actors what´s going on.
What is going on?
Well, you know, that Oliver´s dead
and that we´re going to reschedule rehearsals.
Hi. Yeah, I´m holding for the minister.
You want me to write that Oliver´s dead
and we´re rescheduling rehearsals?
Not those words. Ease into it. Uh...
Oh, listen, we´re gonna need a press release too.
No, wait. We should have a press conference.
Here. At the theater.
We´ll need sandwiches.
Do I say that there was an accident?
Do I mention the pig truck?
Anna, tell them that there was an automobile accident,
ask for everybody´s patience,
and let them know about the schedule changes.
You know, Anna, just let people know what´s going on,
for Christ´s sake!
[ Sobbing ]
Anna, I can´t comfort you. I´m on hold.
-[ Humming tune ] -[ Scrubbing ]
You need to be thinking about details right now.
People need reassurance.
They need to know that someone´s in control.
-RICHARD: Thanks. -Where are you now?
-I´m in my office. -Okay.
As soon as you hang up the phone,
go into Oliver´s office and find his agenda.
You need to know where the ship is heading
´cause you´re the captain now.
This is a great opportunity for you, Richard.
People are wounded. They´re confused.
You just need to be strong, and they will follow you.
-Make your mark, okay? -I will.
Okay. Kiss-kiss.
Kiss-kiss.
Hi. I´m Kate McNeil. 11:00.
-I´m really sorry -- -We´re running behind.
-Sign in and have a seat. -Oh. Okay.
Hi.
-Anna. -What?
-Could you unlock it? Please? -Why?
-Because I need to get inside. -Why?
Because I need to go through his agenda.
Please.
It´s on the tray.
Oh, Christ. Here we are. You see?
Jack Crew is arriving today at 11:30.
Listen, we´re gonna have to book him a limousine.
Wait. Should I pick him up myself?
No, wait, I can´t. I´ve got the press conference at 1:00.
-Did you call Geoffrey? -Who?
Geoffrey Tennant.
He shouldn´t hear about it on the news.
Oh, Anna, listen. Could you please call him?
You know, I´ve got the press thing.
Look, I don´t know the man.
-All right. -Thanks.
Anna? Could you excuse me? I´ve got work to do.
[ Door closes ]
[ Telephone rings ]
He was in the theater, you know?
All the world´s a stage, Sal.
-Is it? -And we all play our parts.
Don´t we?
I´ll remember that, Reg. You do have a way with words.
Come on.
We´ve got that priest to do before lunch.
Is this tie appropriate?
Well, it´s a bit bright,
but I don´t think Oliver would want everyone in black.
No, no, I mean for the cameras.
Oh. I thought you meant...
No, it´s -- it´s good.
-[ Sighs ] -How are you holding up?
You know, it´s surreal. I mean, I can´t --
Did you send a car for Jack Crew?
No, I thought you were gonna meet him.
No, I said I should meet him. Damn it!
-Sorry, I misunderstood. -He´s been waiting for an hour.
Oh, all right, send someone for him now.
Call his agent and see if he´s called in, okay?
Damn it, I don´t have time to deal with this.
Sorry. [ Sighs ]
Anna?
Anna? It´s okay.
It´s okay.
Everything´s fine. Just -- Just find him.
-Okay. -Please? All right.
I´ll try.
Anna?
I´m here for you. I´m here for everyone.
Okay.
You can tell people that.
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
I regret to announce that Oliver Welles,
the artistic director of the New Burbage Festival,
was killed last night in an automobile accident.
Everyone here at the festival
is deeply, deeply saddened and shocked by this tragic loss.
All scheduled performances for tonight are canceled
in tribute to our late Oliver.
A funeral will be held
on the main stage of the festival theater
on Monday at 8:00 p.m.
Public is invited.
We ask for your patience and understanding at this time.
Thank you.
Was alcohol a factor in the accident?
The police have informed me
that the driver of the vehicle was not inebriated.
MAN: Are you now overseeing the operation of the festival?
Yes. Yes, I am.
WOMAN: And how do you spell your last name?
Smith-Jones.
Just the way it sounds, with a hyphen.
I know some of you gentlemen and ladies are on deadline,
but if you´d like, there are sandwiches.
CHERYL: You wouldn´t believe
the phone calls we´ve had this morning.
Ken Gass wants to offer us the downstairs
at the Factory Theatre for the show.
I´ve had calls from York University and McMaster
offering us lights and equipment.
And I had a phone call
from that guy who collects the pornographic art.
He says he´d like to sponsor the production.
-What are you doing? -Where are your car keys?
In the little pocket thing. Where are you going?
I need to return a book.
You´re an active young woman who loves Corny Smacks
almost as much you love soccer.
Slate your name, read your lines.
Kate McNeil -- Stellar Artists, Jeff Thurber.
Anytime.
They have 12 essential vitamins
and are a wonderfully crunchy way to start your day.
Jesus Christ!
I´m sorry.
Did I say kick the ball at the camera?
I´m so sorry. Do you -- Do you want me to do it again?
No.
-[ Knock on door ] -Oh, not again.
-I don´t want any more. -What?
I don´t... Oh, God.
[ Sighs ]
Sorry. Just put them over there.
Or anywhere. Find a space.
That´s a lot of flowers.
Yes.
I suppose you want a tip.
Um, my condolences.
What? Oh, well, the flowers aren´t really for me.
What?
A friend died, and he didn´t have any family,
so they´re sending flowers to me
under the mistaken impression that we were close,
which we haven´t been for ages.
It´s all very embarrassing and irritating.
[ Sighs ] Basil. You should know better.
Whoa. A chameleon.
Yes. Her name is Sybil. She´s very cute.
Are we done here?
-You mean his name is Sybil. -What?
-How long have you had him? -About a year.
How do you know it´s a man, a him, male?
It´s a panther.
See, the stripes are brighter on the male.
And the body´s thicker at the base. See?
It seems so obvious when you point it out.
You´ve had him for a year
and you don´t even know what sex he is?
It was a present from a friend. A kind of a joke.
He was trying to teach me responsibility.
Well, they are a lot of responsibility.
That´s some joke your friend played,
giving you an exotic animal as a pet.
Sounds like a jerk.
Well, he´s dead now, so...
Ha ha.
-Sybil´s dehydrated. -What?
-Where´s your bathroom? -Upstairs.
Excuse me, is this gonna take long?
[ Horns honking ]
Excuse me.
Um, how long before this clears up?
What am I, Kreskin?
Okay.
MAN: Running late?
Yes. I´m supposed to be in a play tonight.
You´re an actress.
Well, I´m just an apprentice.
It´s my first year. I just play maids and fairies.
-Do you like it? -Oh, yeah, it´s fantastic.
I mean, it´s the theater.
What do you do?
I´m a movie star.
Aren´t we all?
I always thought he´d grow old
and die in the arms of some Jamaican cabana boy.
But, no, he got run over by a pig truck.
Oh, God.
And now I´m alone -- just me and my dehydrated chameleon.
He´s coming around. See?
I had a panther for years, but I don´t have the room anymore.
They need a lot of attention.
But they pay you back.
How exactly?
By changing colors, right? It´s so cool.
What´s your name, young man?
Young, young man.
Sloan.
Sloan.
You´re so nice.
Would you like a Cherry Coke?
Or maybe a glass of wine?
Oh, excuse me, but where is everybody?
No show tonight. Canceled.
But I´m only half an hour late, and I´m just third fairy!
-You haven´t heard? -Heard what?
Oh, my dear.
Oliver Welles. He died last night.
What?
So I´m not fired? Ah!
Did you hear what I told you about Oliver?
Yes! Oh, that´s -- that´s terrible.
I´m so sorry. How?
He was hit by a truck. A pig truck, apparently.
Oh, my...
No, no!
We were just -- just talking last night.
So were we.
So -- So what´s gonna happen to Hamlet?
Hamlet will be Hamlet --
an ineffable tragedy of the human spirit
that still resonates even today.
[ Sighs ]
Oh, God.
Oh, God!
Now, just to allay any fears,
Richard Smith-Jones is handling
all of the day-to-day affairs of the festival.
And I must add that he is doing an absolutely wonderful job.
We´d be in a pretty sorry state without him, so...
Well, on behalf of the board,
I´d like to thank you for all you´ve done already, Ms. Day.
Well, now, I´m sure some of you have missed your supper,
so I´ve arranged for a little Texas-style buffet
in the VIP lounge.
So please go and help yourselves, y´all.
[ Chuckles ] Enjoy.
You know, I, uh --
I don´t envy your job over the next few weeks.
In what sense, dear?
You know, there´s bound to be trouble
about who´s gonna take over the festival.
You know, I was on the board
of the Carnegie Museum in Pittsburgh,
and we lost one of our directors.
Wasn´t pretty.
Well, in this country,
picking an artistic director is always a bloodbath.
You know what? My advice -- Get it over with quick.
Don´t give the board any time to think.
Just be decisive.
"The Plain of Auvers."
I´m sorry?
That haunting Van Gogh at the Carnegie.
Oh, yes! Yeah, that´s gorgeous.
You think so?
I´ve always found it quite disturbing.
He painted it four days before he shot himself.
You know, I was there for such a short time, so...
[ Chuckles ] I don´t remember.
Listen, I´m just gonna go check out the buffet
and see if there´s any ribs left.
Can I rustle you up something?
No, thank you.
This is it, Sal.
He looks more alive than you or I.
Who´ll do us when we´re gone, Sal?
Who´ll do us when we´re gone?
[ Knock on door ]
Everything ready here?
Yes, it is, Miss Conroy.
Um, tomorrow, after the funeral,
what will you do with Oliver´s body?
I mean, will you cremate it right away, or...
He´s scheduled for Tuesday afternoon.
Um, would you...
Would it be possible to, um...
I mean, legally, it´s...
Never mind. Never mind. I´m sorry.
I´m just -- I´m just a little bit lost right now.
We understand.
I´m gonna be sick.
I´m so ashamed.
I feel like I let Oliver down.
Well, that´s because the theater is a family,
and you feel like you betrayed him.
But really it´s not the end of the world.
You didn´t get caught.
I hate my agent.
I-I don´t want to do commercial auditions anymore.
No more Corny Smacks.
I stopped doing commercial auditions when I was hired here.
I felt I was beyond them.
The dialogue. It was so stupid too.
[ Cellphone beeping ]
Message.
I´m gonna read a sonnet at the funeral tomorrow.
-Really? -Mm-hmm.
-Did they ask you? -No.
But I think Oliver would have wanted me to,
and it´s great exposure.
***.
I got the commercial.
Oh, *** off!
What am I gonna do?
Are you kidding me? You´re gonna do the commercial!
But it shoots tomorrow. I´m gonna miss the funeral.
It´s a national! Think about the money.
And the exposure you get there
far outweighs the exposure you´re gonna get
sitting in the audience of a funeral.
No, no. It´s not that. It --
What? It´s what? It´s loyalty?
Kate, no offense, but you´re an apprentice.
It´s not like you and Oliver were best buddies.
***.
I wanted to be there.
[ Sighs ]
Excuse me. Uh, am I too late?
No. Take your time.
So this is what it takes for you to drop by and say hello?
And what have we here? Oh.
That would be the proverbial hatchet, I assume.
Keep it. I´ve read it a thousand times.
Geoffrey.
I didn´t waste my life, did I?
Maybe the last few years I did. And university.
That was a waste.
Criminology? What was I thinking?
But there was a while there I did something worthwhile.
I think I moved people, touched them.
I think we did. Together.
That wasn´t a waste, was it?
Tell me it wasn´t.
Shut up.
Oh, make an effort, would you?
I´m talking to you from the other side, for God´s sake.
That must mean we have some kind of a connection.
Or do you hear voices all the time?
Is this a crazy thing?
Or do we have a connection?
Shut up!
Jesus!
-I´m sorry. -Oh.
-Hello, Geoffrey. -Hello, May.
MAY: I´m so glad you came.
I really don´t know why I did.
Because he was your friend.
Was my friend.
Geoffrey...
I want you to come to the funeral.
Would you? I want you to speak.
Oh, May. What -- What could I possibly say?
The truth. It might be refreshing.
Please, Geoffrey.
For me.
OLIVER: Don´t forget your book.
Just...
Check, check, check.
One. To be or not to be, that is the question.
MARIA: Get off the stage.
What do you mean, he won´t do it?
He says, as an Ang--
Can we have some more color on the coffin?
Bring 35 through 65 up 10.
He says that as an Anglican
He´s not allowed to perform the funeral services
anywhere but in a church.
Jesus Christ!
They do burials at sea, don´t they?
Where are the masks I asked for?
Trevor said they were cut.
-Trevor? -He said they were tacky.
-I like them. -They are not cut.
You get me those Greek tragedy-comedy masks
because they match the Greek columns.
And you tell Trevor that if he wants to *** with the design,
he´s got to go through me first, all right?
Anna, can´t you just handle the minister thing?
Do we even need one? Oliver didn´t believe in God.
I don´t care what Oliver believed!
Look, we need religious content tonight.
Somebody tonight has got to mention God.
So I want you to go and find me a preacher
and bring him back here by 7:30, okay?
-Do you understand? -Yes, I understand.
Did you find Jack Crew yet?
-What? -Oh, God.
Anna? Anna?
Anna, Anna, Anna, Anna, Anna. Anna.
What kind of gel are you using? Looks like a Halloween pageant.
Um...
Jesus. Anna, Anna...
Well, Richard, this is going to be a difficult evening.
No. Not if everyone keeps it under five minutes.
-It´ll be fine. -I meant emotionally difficult.
Oh, God, May. I´m sorry.
I´m just so caught up with the details.
That´s all right.
We all handle grief in our own way.
Yeah.
Who´s that?
MAY: [ Gasps ] Geoffrey!
-You came. -Yeah.
For you.
Nahum.
There´s a chameleon in the green room.
I´m so sorry. I will get it right away.
-No, no, he´s mine. -His name is Sybil.
Oliver gave him to me ages ago.
I put him in the green room
because he spends so much time alone at my home,
and I´ve heard that chameleons really crave attention.
Is that true?
I wouldn´t know.
Oh, no, no. Of course you wouldn´t.
I´m sorry. I didn´t mean...
Anyway, I wanted to tell you that he´s in the green room
so you wouldn´t scream when you saw him.
Many have.
Thank you. I appreciate the heads-up.
Okay, everyone, may I have your attention, please?
The time limit for the speeches is five minutes.
If you go over, I will flash the lights.
We have a lot of people speaking,
and if we want to bring the show in under two hours,
we´re gonna have to keep up the pace.
-Thank you. -Thanks, Maria.
Richard, my sonnet times out to three minutes.
Do you think I could possibly do two?
No, Claire. Absolutely not.
One sonnet only. Hm?
Anna. Finally.
Father.
Thank you so very much for coming at such short notice.
I don´t know if Anna mentioned to you,
but we thought we´d like to, you know,
make a very little reference to God in the service.
Not very much. You know, five minutes.
Would that be all right?
Oh, yes, fine.
I think I can come up
with something appropriate for this crowd.
Great.
Let´s get this show on the road, huh?
Crikey.
I´m glad he´s dead.
It would have killed him to see this.
On behalf of Oliver Welles,
I would like to thank you all for coming.
He certainly would have appreciated the full house.
[ Chuckles ]
Oliver was more than a friend.
He was a colleague.
For the last eight years, I have been general manager.
And because of Oliver´s commitment
to making the festival more accessible
and because of his willingness
to forge stronger ties with the business community,
we´ve been able to raise attendance
at the festival by 23%.
I make this promise to Oliver -- I will continue.
[ Applause ]
Ellen.
-Geoffrey. -Anna.
Okay, but do you know about the thing?
What thing?
It´s so disgusting I can´t even say the words.
-The skull th-- -The skull thing, yes.
I didn´t think he was serious.
I´ve made some calls. People hung up on me.
They said I was sick.
Somebody threatened to call the police.
I can´t handle this, Geoffrey!
Yeah, well, I´ll -- I´ll take care of it.
Oh, God, thank you!
Wait, you´re not thinking of doing this yourself, are you?
[ Laughs ] No.
Although I can´t deny that the thought
hadn´t occurred to me once or twice.
Oh!
-It´s good to have you back. -Thanks.
But I´m not -- I´m not back. I´m just -- I´m visiting.
[ Sobbing ]
Looks a bit like act one
of "The Boys from Syracuse" up here.
[ Laughter ]
I met Oliver
at the Manitoba Theatre Centre in 1978,
and I was intoxicated
with the intellect, sensitivity,
and that ability he had
to drink two bottles of beer at the same time...
[ Laughter ]
...without spilling.
So he looked right at the woman with the flowery hat
and, without missing a beat, he said,
"Well, if it´s not my car,
I´m certainly not going to clean the upholstery."
No longer mourn for me when I am dead.
Then you shall hear the surly, sullen bell
give warning to the world that I am fled
from this vile world, with vilest worms to dwell.
She´s a climber, that one.
Terrible actress.
Oh, she sets my teeth on edge.
Geoffrey Tennant?
Richard Smith-Jones. I´m the general manager. Hi.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, what a sad day.
Sad, sad day.
May tells me you´re gonna speak.
Consensus is four to six minutes.
Sad day.
You´re on after her second sonnet.
Damn her.
Praising thy worth, despite his cruel hand.
Oh, good, good. Okay. Yeah.
Hi. [ Clears throat ]
My name is Geoffrey Tennant,
and I´ve been asked to come and help celebrate the life
and mourn the death of Oliver Welles.
I dug out a copy of a play
Oliver had directed me in at one time.
I realized I had written down a bunch of notes from rehearsal.
I thought I´d maybe share some of them with you.
Here´s one.
"Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
The scene will be fine as soon as we can all
get the knitting needles out of our *** hair."
[ Laughter ]
Here´s another one.
"The theater is an empty box,
and it is our task to fill it with fury and ecstasy
and with revolution."
You know, for a time -- for a time --
there was a kind of electricity in this place
I´ve not experienced anywhere else.
Because Oliver made us believe that what we did had meaning.
He made us believe that love could be rekindled,
that regimes could be toppled by the simple act
of telling a story truthfully.
Ridiculous ambition, really.
But it was a beautiful idea.
Well, it´s all gone to *** now.
I mean, we all know that what really matters
is that the cash registers keep ringing
and the tourists keep streaming through the gift shop.
And when I look around at the wreck
that this theater has become under Oliver´s reign...
...I´m reminded of those words from "Macbeth."
"If thou couldst, doctor, cast the water of my land,
find her disease and purge it to a sound and pristine health,
I would applaud thee to the very echo"!
Uh...
[ Scattered applause ]
I´ve been asked to say
a few comforting words today about God.
Well, comfort is something that God reserves
for those who are obedient to his will.
A great preacher once said,
"Satan hath not a more speedy way nor a fitter school
to bring men and women into the snare of concupiscence
and filthy *** of wicked whoredom
than those places of plays and theater."
Anna, who is this man?
He´s an ordained minister. He was the only one available.
...men seek pleasure in the company of other men
and women in the company of other women.
They come together in their shame...
Get him off. Flash the lights.
...and unwholesome acts of depravity.
Get him off. Flash the lights.
Flash the lights!
I don´t hate homosexuals.
But I do hate what they do.
Why?
Because the Bible says
if a man also lie with mankind as he lieth with a woman,
they shall surely be put to death.
-Their blood shall be upon them! -[ Alarm ringing ]
Homosexuality is disobedient to God´s will
because it runs counter to the divine command to procreate!
And God blessed Noah and his sons --
Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
there appears to be a small fire in the building.
Please exit in an orderly manner.
Thank you for your cooperation.
[ Ringing continues ]
Good morning, everyone.
I am keenly aware of the interest
that all members of this board have
in the question of selecting a new artistic director.
So today I will need someone to move
that we appoint an interim artistic director immediately.
I move the motion.
Thank you, Holly.
But not yet.
Yesterday I was prepared to suggest
that there is only one person who could fill this role --
our general manager, Richard Smith-Jones.
However, after the extraordinary events of last night,
I have to say I´ve come to a different conclusion.
Who the hell is Geoffrey Tennant?!
Of course we know you, Mr. Tennant.
-We saw your Marc Anthony. -And your Prince Hal.
Well, that was a long time ago.
-We missed your Hamlet. -Well, that was very short.
How can we help you?
Ah, well, I wonder if you could do me the favor
of removing Oliver´s head from his body
and setting the head aside prior to cremation.
Saving the head.
Okay, let me explain that I´m not crazy.
With all due respect, we have heard otherwise.
That was a temporary condition.
And I assure you
I don´t want to do anything weird with the head.
As a matter of fact, it was Oliver himself
who requested that his flesh be removed,
and that his skull be used
in all future productions of Hamlet.
So, you see, it´s not weird.
And, in fact, it is notarized.
We´ve never removed a head before.
We´ve sewn them back on.
Well, I imagine it´s the same thing but in reverse.
And there are legal implications.
You see, I would have thought that the ethical implications
of not respecting a man´s last wish
would outweigh the legal implications.
Furthermore, I believe that the state
has no place in the nation´s bedrooms
and, by extension, their graves.
We can remove the head.
But we can´t do the rendering.
We´re not equipped.
I see.
And where do you suppose
a fellow would go for such a service?
A taxidermist?
I would begin with the less reputable firms.
Thank you.
Let´s do this thing.
What was it that minister called the theater?
Uh, the snare of concupiscence
and the filthy *** of wicked whoredom.
Silly ***.
Really?
Yeah, we spent the entire day on the soccer field
choking down Corny Smacks.
It was cold, and we just kept doing it over and over and over.
Oh, it was awful.
Well, the funeral was great. You should have been there.
-Really? -Yeah. My sonnets rocked.
Ooh. Look who just walked in.
This should be good.
But the PlayStation 2 has more titles, right?
So do I go for better graphics or more games?
That´s my problem.
Can you go and get me some cigarettes, Sloan, darling?
Sure. Menthol, right?
That´s right, darling.
Oh, you have a son.
-Not mine, I hope. -*** off.
I was planning on doing just that,
but it would seem that fate has intervened.
I have been offered a job.
Let me guess -- Someone´s hired you to slander the dead.
-You´re very good at that. -No.
They´ve asked me to be the artistic director.
-[ Laughs ] -What?
Well, interim artistic director
while they search for a real one.
But you know how long that process could take.
Weeks, months, years?
You can´t come back. You´re insane.
Apparently, that doesn´t matter in the theater.
Geoffrey, this is my home. I don´t want you in my home.
Frankly, Ellen, your home could use a little cleaning.
And anyway, don´t you think
this is what Oliver would have wanted --
You and I thrust together by his tragic death?
Or maybe you don´t agree. Why don´t we ask him?
Is this what you wanted, you sly old devil?
[ High-pitched voice ] That´s right, Geoffrey.
-You didn´t... -Mm-hmm.
I promised him that I would look after his head.
[ Taps cooler ]
And unlike some people, I keep my word.
WOMAN: Oh, my God!
-Oh, my God, it´s Jack Crew. -Oh, my God!
Hey, Jack!
-You know him? -Yeah.
Yeah, he was -- he was on the bus with me.
Kate, that´s Jack Crew.
That´s Jack Crew?
I´m sure you find this whole situation very amusing.
But let me tell you something, Geoffrey.
We start rehearsals for "Hamlet" in six days.
Yes.
That´s your Hamlet now,
and there´s your star, right there.
I hear he´s very good with the martial arts,
but a little shaky on the acting.
Fate is a funny thing, isn´t it?
And thus the whirligig of time brings in his revenges.
Subtitling made possible by RLJ Entertainment
[ Piano plays intro to "Call the Understudy" ]
♫ Call the understudy, I can´t go on tonight ♫
♫ I´m drinking with my buddy, I´m getting good and tight ♫
♫ Before they raise the curtain, I´ll be higher than a kite ♫
♫ So, call the understudy, I can´t go on tonight ♫
♫ Tell the cast and crew to break a leg ♫
♫ Break a leg ♫
♫ Roll me out another bloody keg ♫
♫ Bloody keg ♫
♫ I need to ease the pain that life can bring ♫
♫ Life can bring ♫
♫ And liquor is what will hit the spot ♫
♫ The play is not the thing ♫
♫ So, call the understudy, I think it´s only right ♫
♫ My diction will be muddy, I´ll never find my light ♫
♫ Before the intermission, I´ll be *** on a sprite ♫
♫ So, call the understudy ♫
-♫ I can´t go on ♫ -♫ He can´t go on ♫
-♫ I won´t go on ♫ -♫ He shan´t go on ♫
♫ I can´t go on tonight ♫
♫ Damn right ♫