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You may have noticed…
don’t know if you looked in the local newspapers,
Those of you who live here know –
–we have a lot of weed shops in this valley
In Carbondale , on Main Street alone,
there’s 6 places to get weed...
And there’s not one to get clean, fresh underwear.
You could go to Gracie’s and buy used…
But I wouldn’t do it...'cause it’s tick-season.
OK – How come?...And there’s some really creative advertising out there.
How come nobody – none of the pot shops here...
have any "Back To School" Sales? Right?
“It’s mommy’s vacation now!”
“Bye kids!”
But when you’re packing the lunch, remember:
Little Jessica gets the BIG brownie, mommy gets the LITTLE one.
Don’t wanna mix….
‘cause that’ll get you a parent-teacher conference, I guarantee it.
…if you mix that one up.
Alright – a little bit about myself,
for those of you who don’t know me:
My name is Mark Thomas. Mark James Thomas.
Yeah – I’m a recovering Catholic.
Are there any others in the house? Recovering Catholics?!
Amen, baby!
I’ve been working on it now…
took those ten Big Commandments
and got them whittled down to - like - 5 strong suggestions.
You know – the lying, the killing, that kinda thing…
“Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife”??? C’mon.
Have you seen that ***? Wooooo!
It's like, "Covet – covet – covet", all the way down to get the paper…
No harm, no foul.
I’m Irish. Mostly Irish.
And I got to thinking about it
Everybody’s at least a little Irish – right?
Everybody? Right?
? Is there anybody here that doesn’t have a little IRISH IN THEM?
'Cause it’s like – it’s Irish,
It’s Irish-German, it’s Irish-Polish,
Somewhere there’s Irish-Zebra and Irish-Giraffe.
Irish aren’t into the big racial-purity thing, you know.
They just, you know, have a shot and go after it if it looks good.
Ummm…lt’s see:
I’m a fiscal conservative and a social liberal.
Which means I am a cheap date and an easy lay.
And my Sleep Number is 54,
but I will to go up to about 88 for the right person.
I like rumors. I LOVE rumors.
I love to spread them. I love to start them.
‘cause it’s fun. Because here’s the thing about rumors:
If there’s just like 1-percent of “Maybe” in it
it’s out there and you can’t – like – take it back, alright?
So, here’s a rumor I either read or I started about a week or two ago:
Somebody’s working on a Michael Jackson perfume.
Yeah – “Oh”. Right.
And I’m thinking, OK – you could call it, maybe, “Billie Jean Nate”
Chances are it will probably smell something
like white wine and baby powder,
[ “oohhhhh!”]…
...with a little red leather at the end.
Too soon?
Yeah – yeah. I got a ticket. I got a traffic ticket about two weeks ago
For…cop wrote me up for "Texting While Driving".
But I got the judge to throw it out
because I could prove to him I was sending Morse Code.
…….Oh-kay.....
[“Lose it!"]
Find…smarter...older…audience…
Maybe…not…
Alright – My ex-girlfriend, she broke up with me.
One of the reasons she broke up with me is
because I was terrible at sexting.
‘Cause she, like – everybody knows what sexting is? …right?
Little nasty messages on the phones to each other…
And she said I always kept pressing "SEND" waaay too soon.
I was just...always...just... “SEND”…too soon.
“Baby, I’m getting old.
"My thumbs just don’t hold up like they used to.”
Keep….sexting….joke.