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- That was good.
- Yes, it was.
And now I was thinking
that perhaps
we can go into the bedroom,
where I will give you
The gift.
- That's what you're
calling it now?
- You're the one that complained
that "hammer time" was dated.
- Are you home, neighbors?
- Hey, Liz.
I thought you had
a blind date tonight.
- Well, I was waiting for him
at the table.
Then this cute guy
comes in the restaurant
and starts checking me out.
He leaves.
The next second,
my phone rings,
and my date cancels.
If I'd have known
that was gonna happen,
I would have made a move
on the first guy.
- We gotta find someone
for Liz.
- That is impossible.
She's single, desperate,
and hopeless.
- Single, desperate,
and hopeless tell me more!
- It's Liz.
- Tell me less.
- She's always been
a really good friend.
And I believe there's someone
out there for everyone.
- Battle cry of the uggos.
- Look, we are finding someone
for Liz, okay?
Because what matters
is not how you look,
it's what's inside.
- Oh, boy, I'm glad
that's not really true.
Oh, Jeff, I got a flier
for a new gym.
First week's free.
Jen's busy today.
You wanna come with me?
- Do you still air-dry
after you a shower?
- Yeah.
- Do you still think that's
an appropriate time to stretch?
- Yeah.
- Then no!
- Ah, simran.
So lovely to see you.
- Do you have a minute
to talk about ideas
for mom's birthday gift?
- Yes.
Give me a sec.
I need to go get a bendy straw
for my boss' chocolate milk.
He's not tall.
It's hard for him
to get on top
of a straight straw.
- God bless you.
Oh, hello.
- Hello!
Oh, no.
I found your *** site, Timmy.
Take your top off.
- No, no, no!
Get away!
- No, this is one of the sites
where you get to
tell 'em what to do!
Take your top off!
- Sir!
That's my sister.
- Oh.
***, Timmy.
Whatever you're into!
Take your top off.
- You must be Mr.
dunbar.
- Oh, you've heard of me!
Ha ha!
Lovely to make
your acquaintance.
Now about that top
Ow!
- Good-bye, simran.
Sir, that's literally
my sister.
And for your information,
she's an associate
in a law firm.
- So the sex work's
just a hobby?
- She is not a sex worker!
And you can forget
that you ever saw her.
- Oh, jeez, relax.
She's halfway around the world.
- Yes, she is.
And I forbid you to have
any contact with her again.
- Forbid
What am I, a child?
- Of course you're not.
By the way, here's your
chocolate milk and bendy straw.
- Yay!
- I'll eat anywhere.
You choose.
- Really? You're just gonna
say no to everything
until I say Sushi.
- Oh, yeah.
Sushi it is.
- Hey, Todd.
- Oh, hi, Audrey.
Nice to see you.
And hey, Jeff.
Look at my tie.
Mets' colors.
You know
'Cause we both like the mets.
If you don't like it,
I'll take it off.
- No, it's fine.
Just calm down.
- Can do.
- So how you been?
- Divorced is how I've been.
Finalized last week.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- I used to split sandwiches
with Molly.
Now I don't know what to do
with the other half.
- Problem solved.
- Hey, you know
what would be nice?
- You want the other half?
'Cause he'll give it to me.
- No.
What about if we
set up Todd with Liz?
- Has ne not been
through enough?
- Come on.
This would be
a nice thing to do.
And if you're on board,
he'll do it.
He idolizes you,
for some reason.
- Well, many reasons,
Audrey, all valid.
But I don't know.
I'm not seeing
what's in it for me.
- Uh, how about this
Uh, Liz will have someone
to spend her time with,
so she won't always be
coming down to our
- Hey, Todd,
Audrey's got a gal for you.
- Oh, I don't know
if I'm ready yet.
- Oh, come on!
It's time to get
back on the horse.
- In this case,
quite literally.
- Welcome to Andy's gym.
Can I help you?
- Oh, I got your flier,
but I think I misunderstood
what kind of gym this was.
So
Hey, is that a trampoline?
- Uh-huh.
-
Whoo! Whoo-hoo!
- Anyway, I was thinking
that for mom's birthday,
she might like
this jade necklace.
- Oh, that's perfect for her.
Classic varsha.
- You're so different
from what Timmy described.
- What did he say
about me, exactly?
- That you were tiny,
selfish, perverted,
old and lazy.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
He said I was tiny?
Why would he say that?
I'm actually a pretty big guy.
- Oh, really?
It's so hard to tell
on these things.
- I know.
Yeah, let me think about that
while I drink
from this completely
normal-size coffee cup.
Mmm.
Ooh, I think I might dunk in
a full-size doughnut
while I'm at it.
Yeah.
I wish varsha was here.
Mmm.
- Hey, Liz.
Thanks for coming down.
- Sure.
So did you guys read
that kama sutra book I gave you?
I dog-eared some pages
I thought
you and Jeff might like.
Hi, Jeff.
- Uh, no.
Actually,
we were wondering
if you were free tonight.
Jeff and I have someone
we'd like to set you up with.
- You want to set me up?
Who's the lucky fellow?
- I don't know, but uh
The guy we're setting you up
with is Todd.
- He's nice.
I think
you're really gonna like him.
- What does he do?
- He works in finance,
with Jeff.
- What does he look like?
- Seriously?
- He's very cute.
Good-lookin' guy.
- Well, what celebrity
do people say he looks like?
- What's going on here?
- People tell me I look like
Cameron Diaz
or Reese Witherspoon.
- Well, those people would say
that Todd looks like tom cruise.
- Does that mean he's short?
- All right, I'm out.
- Listen, Liz, let's not
over-think this, okay?
Just dive in.
Take a chance.
- Okay, I will.
Let's make it a date.
- There you go.
This'll be fun.
- Well, not for the gal
that does my waxing.
Let's just say I've
let the yard go a bit.
- Hello, Russell?
- Oh, I didn't see you there.
- You called me.
- Oh, did I?
Anyway, I'm just so wrapped up
in 20th century
philosophers.
I'm smart.
- What is that award
behind you?
- Oh, I didn't mean for you
to see that old thing.
- I didn't know you were
such a humanitarian.
- Well, I think there's
quite a few things
Timmy didn't tell you about me.
- That's not surprising.
He's always been very
over-protective of me.
It's really annoying.
- Mm.
Well, let me ponder that
while I scratch my back.
I've got a little bite
back there.
Ahh
- I didn't realize
you were so muscular.
- Aw, I try to keep fit.
- I love your tattoo.
- Oh, yeah, my ink.
- What is it of?
- Ah, well, uh,
looks like a dragon.
And then there's
some symbols from China.
And, you know, I really
made a mess of myself, didn't I?
-
- But maybe when Todd
gets here,
if you couldn't talk about
your cats so much.
You know, guys like
a little mystery.
- Oh, okay.
Let him wonder, "how many cats
does this sexy gal have?"
- Yeah.
And, uh
And maybe don't talk so much
about digestion stuff.
- Another mystery.
Let him wonder,
"hey, is this sexy gal
regular?"
- Exactly.
Yeah, let him wonder.
Oh, here they come.
- Liz, this is Todd.
- Hey, it's my fault
we're late.
I've got a nervous stomach,
and my cat spilled
my milk of magnesia.
- Enchante.
- It's nice to meet you, Liz.
Sorry my hands are so sweaty.
- Oh, no need to apologize.
I get that with my feet.
- You're so funny, Russell.
- I know.
Rarely to you see that
in a wimbledon champ.
- Aha!
- Timmy.
- So this is why
you sent me out
for fun-size candy bars
and baby carrots!
Simran.
Simran, are you all right?
Did he hurt you?
- No.
I'm fine.
I'm just having fun
talking to Russell.
He's not at all the monster
you made him out to be.
- Thank you.
- Is that what he tricked you
into believing? Well, hmm
Let's take a look around,
then, shall we?
Look.
He's literally sitting
on a phone book.
- It helps my back.
- And speaking of books,
let me select one of these
fine tomes of literature.
- Hey, who glued my tomes
together?
- And javier,
from shipping
What's your role
in this grim charade?
- Oh, um
I'm his arms.
'Sup, simran?
- You see, he is a liar
who is trying
to take advantage of you,
and that is what I've been
protecting you from.
- Timmy, I'm a full-grown adult
who's capable of making
- No, I'm sorry,
but this is for your own good.
I'm too angry
to talk to you right now,
but believe me,
this is not over!
- All right, javier
I'm gonna pay you full price,
even though we didn't
get to the part
where you drop trou
and show her my junk.
- That wine was fantastic.
It hardly irritated
my stomach lining at all.
- UmTodd,
I don't know
if you'd be interested,
but I'm going to
a wine tasting tomorrow.
You wanna come?
- I'd love to.
Rosacea be damned!
- Oh, a wine tasting.
Isn't that great, Jeff?
- I'd be drinking,
if I were him.
- Well, I need to pop
into the ladies' room.
- Oh, I'll join you.
- Oh
I think that soup was
cream-based.
Yikes!
- Boy, she is really
something, huh?
- She is.
And you're going
way above and beyond, buddy.
You didn't have to agree
to that wine tasting.
- Why wouldn't I?
- We pushed you into this date.
It's nice that you're
pretending to like her.
- I didn't think
I was pretending.
- Oh.
- Is there a reason
I shouldn't like her?
- No.
No.
She's great.
- Are are you sure?
- Yeah.
She's great!
I mean, she's got
all those cats.
She cleaned her plate there.
Let's let's have
another bottle of wine.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- How was the gym?
- Oh, it was
a good workout, good snacks.
- Great.
Well, maybe
I'll come with you tomorrow.
- Oh, umYou know,
I don't think it's for you.
It was
It was pretty hardcore.
Another guy and I wanted
to use the same equipment,
and he literally
threw a tantrum.
- Really?
- Yeah.
The dude
got a time out.
What a doody-head.
- Come on, say it
one more time.
- All right.
Todd and Liz
make a good match.
They're gonna get married
and have an bunch
of weird, gassy kids.
- Come on, admit it
It feels good to do
something nice
for someone, right?
- I guess it does.
And now there's something nice
that I'd like to give you.
- What's that?
- The gift of hammer time.
See?
I combined them.
- Okay.
All right.
You behaved yourself.
I guess you deserve a little
We're not in.
Please leave a message.
- Audrey, it's me.
Something went wrong.
When I got home, Todd called
and cancelled the wine tasting.
It sounded like he was
giving me the brush-off.
Call to discuss.
- Everything was going so well.
Did something weird happen
when Liz and I were
in the restroom?
- Probably.
I mean,
she had that cream-based soup.
- You know what I mean.
- Todd asked me
what I thought of Liz.
I used all positive words,
but who knows
what my face was doing.
- Why did you have to do that?
D
Fix it!
- I will.
Right after we
Or before.
- Simran
What are you doing?
- I had to ask.
Why did you go ahead
and do all those things
to try to fool me?
- EhhI just didn't
want you to believe
all that stuff Timmy said.
I wanted to impress you
because you're this exotic girl
that lives halfway
around the world.
- I get that.
I kind of misled you too
about something.
- You're not a dude, are you?
Oh, I can't go
through that again.
- No.
It's
It's this.
- Whoa.
India looks a lot
like America.
- I'm in Chicago.
Timmy forbade me
from telling you.
He said he was nervous
about us being
on the same continent.
- Oh, now, did he?
Well, he sh
- What are you doing
on your computer?
- Nothing.
I'm
- OhOh, yeah.
Oh, that's it, baby.
OohOh
- I'm watching ***.
Filthy, dirty ***.
Do you want to take a look?
- No, no, no.
I don't need to see that.
- Are you sure?
- Yes.
- No, no, you might like it.
- MmmOh
Is he gone yet?
- No.
Keep going.
- Hi.
Can I help you?
- I'm not sure.
Is this Andy's gym?
- Yes.
- Oh, I got an emergency call
about my fiance.
- Oh, you must be here
for Adam.
He got stuck.
- Which one is yours?
- I'd rather not say.
- There's the big guy!
- Hey, Todd.
I wanted to talk to you.
- I wanted to talk to you
and thank you for putting
the brakes on me with Liz.
- No, no, no.
Now, that's the thing.
I didn't mean to do that.
- Oh, come on, Jeff,
I know you.
I mean, I study you.
The things you say,
the way you move.
- Really?
- I got your message.
- I don't think that you did.
See, what I was trying to say
was that Liz is a special lady.
I think you two would
hit it off.
- I'm confused.
It seems like
you're hiding something.
I mean, your words are
saying one thing,
but your body
- Stop looking at my body.
Listen to my words.
I was hiding something,
and here it is.
Uh, from what I understand
Liz is an animal in the sack.
- She's what?
- Please don't make me
say it again.
- Well, you fixed it.
Liz was in a great mood
when I talked to her.
We have one very happy
upstairs neighbor.
- So then my choice
not to be wearing
any sort of pants
at all right now
Was a good one.
- Well, it'll make this go
that much quicker.
Mmm
- Oh, yeah.
- Huh, huh
- Oh, yes!
Oh, that's
Ow.
- Ow.
Sorry.
- We're done here, right?
- Oh, yeah.
- And, uh, I do understand
you're an adult,
so I'll stop trying so hard
to protect you.
- Thank you, Timmy.
And I do know your heart is
always in the right place.
- Good.
Good.
I'm glad we talked.
This makes me very happy.
- It makes me happy too.
- Yes, my friend Russell
came to Chicago to visit.
We're about to go out
and see the sights.
Let's go.
- Okay.
Hey, why don't you
throw on a skirt.
We'll find out if this is
really the windy city.
- Russell!
- I'm just kidding.
I'm not kidding.
- Nooooo!