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[ Coughs ]
I´m cold, wet, miserable, and tired,
and I want to go back to London!
We´re on our way.
My dad took me to see Morton Stanley
at the old Finsbury Park Empire.
I´d have been about...
Alan´s age.
Fantastic.
♫ Here´s Brannigan, Flannagan, Milligan, Hilligan ♫
♫ Duffy, McCauffey, McDiddle-dee-dum ♫
♫ Rafferty, Lafferty, Donnelly, Connelly ♫
♫ Dooley, O´Hooley, Muldooney, Malone ♫
I didn´t see Ian in church, Jan.
No. He´s gone off with a friend.
He´s appearing with Morton Stanley
in a theater in Liverpool.
That´s very enterprising.
Thank you, Alan.
He´s very far away, actually.
Yeah.
I wanted to talk to both of you about a couple of extra tickets
we´ve been given for Palestrina tomorrow night.
Oh, well, that does sound very nice, Dr. ***.
Will you come with me, Mum?
Ah, well, tomorrow night, I have a friend coming for tea.
Well, this won´t start till late.
It´s quite a late tea.
Why don´t you take Alan?
No, thanks.
Alan!
Say yes, or I´ll break your arm.
[ Chuckles ]
Good lad.
What can I say?
"Thank you very much, Jeremy."
[ Laughs ]
Ugh!
Ah, damn!
Oh, no. Please no more.
Well, you´re the one who wanted to leave London.
What are we going to do?
Shelter in the pillbox.
We just pissed in the pillbox!
IAN: Well, stay there, then.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
PAUL: Afternoon, Mr. Stanley.
Glad to be back in the ´Pool, eh?
I certainly am, my diminutive friend.
There´s something about Liverpool.
This gray old pile.
For some obscure reason, you know, it reminds me of home.
It´s filthy and full of strangers.
[ Both laugh ]
That´s a waggish one, eh?
Ah, the arrival of la femme.
Morton, I can manage the ladies´ digs, thank you.
MORTON: Yes, of course, dear.
Is there anything I can do to assist you, my sweet pie?
Yes.
Have you checked your old rooms at the Adelphi yet?
MORTON: Yes, I have, dear.
Everything´s the same as it always is,
even down to the bomb damage.
Good.
What do you think I should open with?
Do your old Hermann the German number.
Yes, of course.
And close with "Dear Old Donegal."
They´re all Irish up here and totally undiscriminating.
They´ll love you.
Oh, thank you, my love.
Where would I be without you?
Dead of the clap.
Where are the icebreakers?
[ Thunder rumbling ]
I hope Morton Stanley appreciates this.
Hmm, that´s the spirit.
What are we going to do?
***: About what?
About the act.
What are we going to do?
What about juggling?
Oh, we won´t do that, then.
[ Laughing ]
Fire-eating?
[ Laughs ]
[ Laughs ]
What´s he trying to prove?
I wish I knew.
First the war.
Now Liverpool.
He´s unreliable.
He´ll be back in three weeks.
And the war wasn´t entirely his fault, Mum.
No, but a good excuse, though, wasn´t it?
And now they won´t grow up. None of them.
Ballet dancing.
♫ Ya, da, da, da ♫
Ooh, aah, my foot´s on fire!
Irish jig.
[ Vocalizing ]
[ Laughing ]
IAN: I´ve fallen in the pee.
It´s all right. It was yours.
[ Laughing ]
IAN: Now, hold on.
I´ve got a wonderful idea.
[ Horn honks ]
Come along now, ladies.
A-one, a-two!
[ Music plays ]
Ah, we´ve made it through.
Yes, better late than never, eh?
***: Are you sure?
Look at that. There we are.
***: Where?
Uh, there.
Oh, yeah. Yes, it´s been stuck over something.
Yes, can I help you, gentlemen?
Yes, could you tell Mr. Stanley
that Mr. Dobson and Mr. Deasey have arrived?
Oh, you mean you´re Deasey and Dobson.
-Yes. -That´s right.
I see!
Well, you should have been here yesterday lunchtime.
-Yeah, that´s right. -There was...
And if I were you,
I´d get your *** into the auditorium double quick.
He´s doing a run-through with the chorus.
Right you are, yes.
Through there.
It´s a great big room with lots of seats.
Thank you very much.
Put your bloody backs into it, girls.
Gawd blimey, I´ve seen more life in a ***´s vest.
No, no. Stop! Stop! Stop the rehearsal.
Get off the stage.
Go and rest your bunions. Go on, get off.
I bet he´s got a wealth of stories.
Yep.
Let´s hope he doesn´t tell us any.
Well, that was bloody awful.
Well, do it again, then.
No. What do they expect for one and a kick?
The bloody Bolshoi, eh?
Paul!
Here you are, Mr. Stanley.
Aye.
Oh, Deasey and Dobson have arrived.
-The bailiffs? -No.
The icebreakers.
Oh, two for the *** slot.
Where are you?
Come on, where are you skulking, you cowards?
Show yourselves.
Oh, we´re over here, Mr. Stanley.
***: Sorry we´re late.
Dressing room 13.
You´ll be fined for missing the band call,
and I´ll knock it off your wages.
Evening show, 6:00 sharp. Your half, 5:25.
Half?
Sorry.
Our half of what?
[ Laughs ]
Dear God, help us.
Your half an hour, dear.
The half an hour that you need to be here before the show
or we sack you.
Where are your band parts?
Oh, we haven´t got a band.
[ Laughing ]
So, what do you want to come on to?
Um... Applause.
[ Laughing ]
Well, I hope you´re as funny as that tonight.
I´d appreciate total silence to be kept after 10:30.
I´m a very light sleeper.
And I´m sure I´ve no need to add this,
but persons of the opposite sex
must not be entertained on the premises.
No. Of course not.
And this is the smallest room in the house.
Yes.
And there´ll be hot water in the mornings until 9:00,
and I´m a very good friend of Moira Stanley,
so if there´s any misbehaving, you´ll be reported.
-All right? -Yes.
Enjoy your stay in Liverpool.
-Thank you. -Very much. Thank you.
[ Music plays ]
Now, then, 8 minutes top whack.
If you go over, I´m taking it out of your money
at 10 bob a minute. Right?
Yes. Fine for us.
And one other thing.
No jokes about the Pope.
Half the house is Bog Irish.
We don´t want to insult them, do we?
No, of course not.
Anyway, we don´t do any religious jokes, do we?
What, not even the one
about what the actress said to the choirboy?
You can take that out for a start.
Oh, you´ve heard it.
Listen, Mrs. Stanley, there´s really nothing to worry about.
We do know what we´re doing.
I mean, I know this morning we may have seemed a bit...
Clueless.
No.
Only we didn´t get much sleep last night.
It was pretty awful.
You will be all right tonight?
Oh, yes, of course we will.
Yeah, we´re both very grateful
for the opportunity of working with you and your husband.
He´s something of a hero of mine.
Mr. Deasey considers him to be a legend
in his own, um, opinion.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Music ends, cheering ]
[ Music plays ]
[ Cheering ]
How do you like it?
[ Indistinct shouting ]
Well, you should, because you´re paying for it.
[ Laughter ]
As a matter of fact, I got this from Goering.
You remember Goering?
Hermann the German, eh?
Well, you´ll be pleased to know that I won this off him
in a memorable night of strip poker in Potsdam.
Would you believe I had that fat ***
right down to his unter den lindens?
Not a pretty sight, believe me.
You know, Germans are all the same.
You can always tell a German farmer.
When he walks through a field of cows,
he shouts, "ach dung, ach dung."
[ Laughter ]
Now, what do we have for you tonight?
Who have we got for you?
Well, have we got a memorable show laid on
for all you lovable Liverpudlians.
-Yes! -Yes!
[ Applause ]
Sadly, no.
[ Laughter ]
This bill is not so much a roll of honor.
it´s more a casualty list.
But going over the top first is two young men
recently returned from deeds of daring in the desert.
Without any further ado, it´s on with the show,
if you´ll excuse the expression.
I´m working with these wonderful musicians.
I said that just in fun.
So, let´s hold your breath
for Dobson and Deasey.
Deasey and Dobson.
Hello, Liverpool.
MAN: Speak up!
Hello, Liverpool!
There´s no need to shout, mate.
Oi, hasn´t he suffered enough?
[ Piano plays ]
♫ It´s a long way to old New Brighton ♫
♫ It´s a long way to Skeg ♫
♫ It´s a long way from here to Huyton ♫
IAN: ♫ When you´ve only got one peg ♫
***: ♫ Leg! ♫
♫ Goodbye, playing rudies ♫
♫ Farewell, carnal sin ♫
♫ ´Cause you can´t get your leg across a Judy ♫
♫ When you´ve only one pin ♫
[ Choir singing ]
Bored?
Don´t be a beast.
I think it´s beautiful, Jeremy.
You thought Palestrina was a sort of cheese.
-[ Whistling, booing ] -Get off!
Die, you ***.
[ Whistling, booing ]
[ Piano plays ]
More, more!
You shouldn´t laugh.
How was I to know who Palestrina was?
I´m not laughing at you. [ Laughs ]
-No, I am laughing at you. -You brute.
I would have preferred some cheese to all that singing.
Wouldn´t you, Alan?
I´m not sure, really.
Liar, liar, pants on fire!
That´s profound, darling.
Jeremy, you´re a...
Brute. I know.
We used to talk about nothing but food, didn´t we, Jan?
Yeah.
Well, food and the other.
[ Chuckles ]
What´s the other?
[ Laughing ]
It´s a sort of meat.
[ Laughing ]
Is it rationed?
[ Laughing ]
♫ Madigan, Cadigan, Lanaghan, Flannagan ♫
♫ Fagan, O´Hagin, O´Hoolighan, Flynn ♫
♫ Shannahin, Mannahin, Fogerty, Hogerty ♫
♫ Kelly, O´Kelly, McGuinness, McGinn ♫
♫ Shake hands with your Uncle Mike, me boy ♫
♫ And here´s your sister Kate ♫
How the hell does he do that?
♫ ...down by the garden gate ♫
♫ Shake hands with all your neighbors ♫
♫ And kiss the colleens all ♫
♫ You´re as welcome as the flowers in May ♫
♫ To dear old Donegal ♫
♫ You´re as welcome as the flowers in May ♫
♫ To dear old Donegal ♫
[ Cheers and applause ]
It´s appalling.
Why don´t they all go to the cinema?
[ Indistinct conversations ]
HEDDA: Mr. Deasey.
Mr. Deasey.
Can I have your autograph?
[ Laughs ]
You were terrible.
What are you doing here?
Well, I came to see you, of course.
What for?
Well, I think you might need some professional advice
for a start.
What, from a fan dancer in a clip joint?
No, thanks.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
What about that show tonight, then?
Brilliant, mate. I laughed like a drain.
Laugh? I nearly swallowed my teeth.
Fantastic.
That Morton Stanley. Pure class.
And the rest of ´em, brilliant.
Oi, you were in that show tonight, weren´t ya?
Yeah.
Mind you, some of ´em were crap.
[ Laughing ]
I don´t believe it.
What are you doing here?
Your wife ran out of money.
She started taking in paying guests.
Yes, that´s her job.
In my flat.
Oh, dear.
That´s exactly what the policeman said.
I´m sorry.
Deasey, look who´s here.
Yeah, yeah, we already met.
Right, lads, what shall we have to celebrate?
I´ll have a morphine, please.
Chloroform´s quicker.
Be a good chap, will you,
and order me a very large Scotch.
I shall be in the gents, draining my ox nobles.
Ah, gentlemen.
Ah, great show, Mr. Stanley.
Yes, it was a tour de force, was it not?
You´re very discerning. Thank you.
IAN: Three gins, please, and a large Scotch for Mr. Stanley.
Were you watching?
Yes.
Well, I came to cheer you on.
I didn´t hear you.
Well, I was somewhat outnumbered.
Yeah.
Well, don´t worry.
There´s always tomorrow night.
How much is the large Scotch?
MAN: Five and six.
Five and six.
MAN: It´s a triple black label.
Yes.
MAN: You must be new around here.
Yes.
Thank you.
That´s very decent of you, uh...
Deasey. Ian.
Deasey Ian. Yes.
And what have we here?
Morton, Mr. Stanley. This is Hedda Kennedy.
Charmed, my petite gamme.
Tell me, did you witness the debacle?
They did their best.
Oh, yes. We all have to start somewhere.
Never say die.
Even though you did.
Good night, Annabel.
Good night, Janet.
Good night, young man.
Thank you, Dr. ***.
Oi!
We´ll have to do it again soon, won´t we?
Yes. Night, then.
[ Laughs ] I´m sorry.
He enjoyed himself, really. So did I.
I´m glad.
There´s so much to discover, even in Walthamstow.
Yes.
And I would like to do it again.
ANNABEL: Come on, Jeremy!
Good night, Annabel.
Good night, Jan.
Good night.
[ Giggling ]
Shh!
Shh!
Will you be quiet?
[ Thud, laughter ]
Who´s that?
Um, it´s only us, Mrs. O´C.
IAN: Yeah, just tripped over the carpet.
Only us.
Good night.
[ Laughs ]
Put me down.
Put me down.
Ohh!
How well do you two boys know each other?
Alan, shift yourself!
You´ll be late for school.
[ Whistle blows ]
Wake up, you lazy little devil.
Oh, my God!
Alan!
Oh, darling.
Poor baby.
[ Birds chirping ]
What time is it?
Liverpool.
Did I have a horrible dream last night?
No.
[ Knock on door ]
MRS. O´CALLAGHAN: Mr. Deasey!
Hide.
MRS. O´CALLAGHAN: Hello!
HEDDA: Ian, stop it! Get off me!
***: Morning, Mrs. O´Callaghan.
HEDDA: Get off! Ian!
Who´s this lady?
Oh, she´s not a lady. She´s his wife.
Yeah.
Mrs. Deasey?
Hedda Deasey.
Yes.
Well, breakfast´s ready.
I´ll set a place for you, love.
Yes.
Will you stop saying that?
Yes.
A lot of men would give their eyeteeth
to be married to Hedda.
IAN: Yes.
Well, the sun´s got his hat on.
Does anybody mind if I use the bathroom first?
-Yes! -Yes!
Chicken pox.
Not very pleasant, I´m afraid, but hardly terminal.
Should mean at least a week off school, though.
Thank you.
Well, keep him in bed, nice and warm, plenty of fluids.
Right.
-What about you? -I´m fine.
I mean, have you had chicken pox yourself?
-I think so. -And Ian?
I don´t know.
Better phone him. It can be much worse for adults.
Right, I will.
Good, well, that´s all, then.
I´ll see myself out.
Bye, then, Alan.
HEDDA: ♫ Life is full of woes ♫
♫ And that´s the way it goes for sure ♫
♫ Ooh, it seemed to come along right out of the blue ♫
♫ Without a clue at all ♫
♫ And all the time you know it´s true ♫
♫ So what´s to do, begin anew ♫
IAN: Very nice.
Thank you. We like it.
Thinking of getting rid of me, are you?
Well, it´s not a bad idea, is it?
She´s got a better voice, and she´s much prettier.
I´m not that sort of girl.
Couldn´t you make an exception?
I´ve got a couple of ideas.
Oh, yes. Either of them funny?
Well, I don´t know yet, do I?
Is there anything in that sailor´s hornpipe stuff?
♫ *** *** ***, dee ♫
♫ *** *** ***, dee dee dee ♫
♫ *** *** *** *** ♫
♫ *** *** *** *** ♫
♫ *** *** *** ***, dee dee dee ♫
That´s not funny, is it?
No, it is. You can do the little hop.
Do you know the hop?
It´s all based on nautical tasks, isn´t it?
Too wet for golf?
Yes, it was, my dear. Far too wet.
I was just looking at that Dobson or Deasey,
whatever he calls himself.
Nice bit of talent down there.
Yes, I can see there is.
Who is she?
Forget it. Try pulling on the rope.
Dying of scurvy?
I´m sorry. I was just trying to help.
Well, go help somebody else, will you?
In Borneo or somewhere like that.
[ Piano plays ]
♫ It was in Baghdad where me mother met me dad ♫
♫ Singing "Nellie, get your belly close to mine" ♫
No.
It was just an idea.
No, it wasn´t an idea.
-"Bum Tittie"? -No!
What´s that thing we did at Christmas?
Oh, you mean...
[ Piano plays ]
♫ I´ll take my trousers down, Kathleen ♫
♫ And give you such a bloody shock ♫
That´s very funny.
Are you sure?
It´s a killer.
[ Whistling, booing ]
The crutch has got to go.
I see.
Well, if you really think so.
We´ve had complaints.
In fact, we´ve had threats.
Right.
Well, you are the one who came to me
and said how privileged he was
to be with the Barmy Army, aren´t you?
Yes, I am.
I mean, we both are -- do.
Well, at the moment, you´re letting the side down,
and that includes me, as well as Morton.
Well, whatever you want us to do,
you know, we´re here to learn.
Fair enough.
Now, then, what about getting
that little wife of yours involved?
Wife?
MOIRA: She sings, doesn´t she?
Yeah, a bit.
Amateur stuff, mainly. Gilbert and Sullivan.
She seemed pretty good when you were rehearsing.
I mean, she´s got a reasonable figure.
She´s got very good, very good legs.
Ah. [ Chuckles ]
Well...
No, no, thank you.
Now, look here, you and Dobson are nothing to look at.
For that opening act,
I´d be better off with a newspaper-tearer.
For the same money, I could get a bloody sea lion.
Well, I could ask her, I suppose.
If you really think it´s a good idea.
I do.
In fact, I can´t think of any other alternative,
bar the sea lion.
Well, in that case, that´s what we´ll do.
Good.
For the same money, naturally.
What?
And split the money three ways.
Absolutely not. Sorry, Hedda.
No, don´t mind me.
I thought you wanted her in the act.
Deasey, there isn´t enough money for the two of us!
Listen, don´t worry.
I´ve got to get back to town anyway.
Please.
HEDDA: Look, Ian,
first when I came to see the show,
you told me to go to Borneo or somewhere.
Now I want to go home, you want me to do the show.
Yeah, with half my money.
[ Laughing ]
No, you´re quite right. What am I thinking of?
That´s fine. We don´t need this, do we?
Hmm? We don´t want to be exploited.
We don´t want to be sent out
to perform with Morton Stanley every night.
I mean, who´s he, anyway?
Just a great comedian. He´s just a legend.
We´re better off back in Walthamstow on the dole.
Now, come on, then.
We´ll pack.
Let´s pack up our troubles, shall we,
in our old kit bag.
Deasey, you´re not in danger of underreacting here, are you?
I mean, speak your mind.
Stop it, ***.
Just relax, Ian.
All right?
I´ll stay. I´ll do it.
Do what? What are we going to do, hmm?
Well, we´ll do whatever they want.
[ Piano plays ]
[ Whistling, cheering ]
♫ I´m a young girl and have just come over ♫
♫ Over from the country where they do things big ♫
♫ And amongst the boys, I´ve got a lover ♫
♫ And since I´ve got a lover, why, I don´t give a fig ♫
Hello, Janet darling.
I know I haven´t rung, but this is the wrong time, honestly.
Your son´s got chicken pox.
Chicken pox?
Oh, dear. Poor little lad. Is he all right?
He´s spotty.
Dr. *** needs to know, have you ever had it?
Uh...
Yeah, yeah, I have, yeah.
I had it when I was eight.
I was supposed to go to a scout camp.
Yes, yes, very interesting. How´s it going?
Terrible and horrible.
Why don´t you come home, then?
Janet darling, I can´t just up sticks, can I?
Then until you decide that your wife and your sick son
are more important than ***,
you better had stay away.
♫ The boy I love is up in the gallery ♫
Whey-hey! I´m up here, lass.
♫ The boy I love is smiling down at me ♫
IAN: I´m just coming down. Yes.
Oh! No.
HEDDA: ♫ There he is, can´t you see? ♫
♫ Waving with his handkerchief ♫
♫ As bonny as a robin that sings on a tree ♫
What?!
Sorry, can´t do robins, lass.
Hang on. I´m coming down. Mind your backs, please.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
I´ve hurt my hands.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, hello, sailor.
Hello, my darling.
I say, have you a freighter in the dock?
No, it´s just the way my kecks are hitched.
HEDDA: I see.
[ Laughter ]
[ Vehicle approaching ]
[ Vehicle door closes ]
[ Knock on door ]
JEREMY: I thought I´d better check on the lad.
Well, I must say it´s a pleasure to have you aboard.
Hello, I think I´m in here.
[ Laughs ]
***: Oh, will you get on with it?
-IAN: Who are you? -***: I´m the rear admiral.
IAN: Well, get round the back, then.
[ Laughter ]
***: Just get on with it, will you?
IAN: Get on with what?
Why don´t you show us your hornpipe?
[ Laughter ]
She had to say it, didn´t she?
No, I mean your funny little dance.
My funny little dance?
[ Music plays ]
Aah!
[ Crashing ]
Right on the maracas.
Still here?
We´re just tidying things up.
MOIRA: Clearly.
Make sure you lock up when you go.
By the by, I thought you were quite funny tonight.
Am I hired, then?
I don´t think you´ve got any choice.
Oh, thank you very much.
I didn´t mean it like that.
It sounded like that.
Oh, I´m sorry.
I mean, you know, we´re glad to have you.
Welcome to Deasey and Dobson.
It´s Dobson and Deasey
Oi, oi, oi, that´s a married man.
Yeah, to me.
Yeah, but I´m not married.
Well, he´s asleep now.
Must be your excellent nursing.
I doubt that. I think it´s driving him mad.
JEREMY: Well, pop round to the surgery tomorrow.
I should have some ointment for that rash.
Thank you.
And get some sleep yourself. You look done in.
I´m okay.
I´ve had a terrible row with Ian, that´s all.
Well, it´s none of my business,
but I think he´s mad to leave you, even for a day.
"Yes, Dr. ***, it´s none of your business."
He´s 36 and he´s run away to join the bloody circus.
I´m just sick of being on my own.
Sorry.
I do appreciate your coming round.
It´s my pleasure.
Now get some sleep.
Scratch, scratch, scratch! What are you two up to?
***: This bed´s got fleas.
Either that or Deasey has.
Oh, no.
***: What?
Oh, no!
No!
What?
-[ Laughing ] Oh, no. -Ew.
What?!
And I´d like some kidneys, half a pound.
How was the singsong anyway?
A recital of Renaissance church music, if you don´t mind.
Oh, we are moving in extended circles, aren´t we?
Do you fancy Dr. ***?
Don´t be silly.
Not a case of "while the cat´s away," then?
The cat was away for four years, Mother.
What do you want half a pound of kidneys for?
Oh, I wanted to get a bit extra for Mrs. Moult.
She doesn´t get out much, poor soul.
Oh.
MAN: Hand me me thingy.
The thingy in his mouth!
I think you´ll find it´s called a thermometer.
Don´t leave me here to die.
Oh, he´s just arsing about.
Well, Doctor, tell him he can go on.
No.
No, you don´t understand. He´s got a performance tonight.
His public are expecting him.
He hasn´t got to go near the public.
He´s got chicken pox. He´s highly infectious.
IAN: Well, how would you know?
You haven´t budged from the door since you´ve been here.
I´ve got eyes in my head, haven´t I?
That man´s going into quarantine.
Mm, I should be in hospital probably.
I don´t want you infecting any of my patients.
A separate room in the house will be adequate.
And he hasn´t got to move for a week.
A week? What, a whole week?
Don´t leave me, Florence.
IAN: You´re a disgrace to your profession!
It´s just a few spots.
We can slap some makeup on it
and you can sit at the piano and doodle, can´t you?
-Is that all you think I do? -Now, boys, please.
***: Well, if that´s all you think I do,
then I don´t know why I´m here in the first place.
Just you try and find someone
who can change keys 16 times in the same song
just ´cause you´re tone bloody deaf!
All right, I´m sorry. I didn´t mean it.
Right. Well, I am ill, officially.
Cheerio, then, Mrs. Irwin.
-Right, who´s next? -Yeah, I am.
I´m before you, Charlie.
Ah, Mrs. Deasey, would you like to come through?
It´s all right, Doctor. I can wait.
You can, but you won´t.
If everyone else will just sit down...
I´ve been here an hour.
I´ve got a new job to get to.
You really shouldn´t do this.
Do what?
Ointment for Alan.
Apply it nightly.
It should help him sleep.
Thank you, Doctor.
Sit.
Don´t talk to me like that.
Sorry. Please sit down.
Oh, don´t worry about them.
No one´s going to die out there.
I have a proposition to make.
Thank you.
I need help.
I can´t organize my way out of a paper bag.
You´ve seen what it´s like out there.
That´s because I´ve lost my diary
and I´ve double-booked all the appointments.
I´ve heard from Annabel how efficient you are,
and I´ve seen how you´ve managed with Alan.
Would you take a job?
Is this sensible?
Very sensible.
What about Annabel?
JEREMY: You´re Annabel´s best friend.
I value that.
Yes, of course.
JEREMY: Will you at least think about it?
Yes.
MRS. O´CALLAGHAN: Are you decent?
Oh, hello.
How are you, lovey? Better?
Oh, bearing up, Mrs. O´C.
Oh, that´s the spirit.
Look what I´ve brought for you.
Purely medicinal, you understand.
You know my views on alcohol.
That´s very kind of you, indeed, Mrs. O´C.
Oh, "Do unto others as you´d have them do unto you."
That´s my motto.
And a jolly good one it is, too.
Good health.
Bottoms up, Richard.
How´s that?
Delicious.
It was drink that killed my late husband, you know.
No, I didn´t. I´m terribly sorry.
Oh, don´t be. He was a fool.
He went over to see some friend of his
from the navy in Birkenhead
and he got so drunk
he fell off the ferry coming back and drowned,
and this was a man who´d been to Dunkirk.
God rest his soul.
He was a ***.
But I do miss him, you know.
Yes, I´m sure you must.
But I mustn´t burden you with my problems.
Are you married?
No.
Yes, I was once briefly.
It didn´t work out, though.
Oh, I´m sorry.
Have you got a girlfriend at the moment?
Not just now, no.
Well, don´t let life pass you by, love.
Oh, dear.
What´s the matter?
Uh, nothing. It itches, that´s all.
It´s irritating.
Incidentally, have you had chicken pox, Mrs. O´Callaghan?
Maureen.
No, you don´t have to worry.
I´ve had just about everything going in my time.
Where is it irritating, sweetheart?
Oh, only everywhere.
Would you like me to rub something on?
No. No, you mustn´t.
Oh, it´s no trouble.
I think I need to go to the lavatory.
There´s a jerry under the bed.
Shall I hand it up to you?
Uh, no. I feel a bit faint.
A bit sick, actually.
Oh, I hope it´s not the stout.
Hmm? No, no.
So, your piano player´s got the pox. So what?
He wasn´t much good anyway.
I wondered if the bloke from the band could deputize.
MOIRA: No.
Well, why not? He´s quite good.
Every time he gets up on the stage,
it´s going to cost me another five bob a night.
He´s not that good.
Not with what we´re taking.
I´ve told you, it´s a question of bums on seats.
Well, we´re a bit stuck, then.
Why? Can´t you do anything without the piano?
Nothing I can think of offhand, no.
Have I got to summon the sea lion?
-IAN: No. -MOIRA: What, then?
I don´t know.
God help us.
This is what I get for hiring dimwits like your husband.
No offense, love.
Right.
Oh, God, they´re all the bloody same.
What´s this?
Oh, what´s this? It´s an old one.
Sometimes they´re the best.
Not necessarily.
Don´t say that to Morton.
Right, Deasey, you´re the cripple,
Hedda´s the nurse,
and I´ll read his lordship´s lines.
All right?
We´re doing this with Mr. Stanley, are we?
The legend himself.
[ Music plays, applause ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Good morning, Mr. Deasey.
Good morning, Dr. Stanley.
Are you feeling yourself this morning?
Yes, but it´s never the same on your own, is it?
[ Laughter ]
Thank God you can still rise to the occasion.
Nurse, may I see Mr. Deasey´s notes?
[ Whistling ]
There´s not many of them in a pound.
-And now, then, Mr. Deasey... -Shh!
...it was the left leg, wasn´t it?
That´s right. It was the left.
The left leg. [ Chuckles ]
Well, I´m afraid there´s been a slight hitch with the operation.
How do you mean?
Well, it´s a case of mistaken truncation.
We´ve took the wrong bloody leg off.
Oh, my God!
Oh, Mr. Deasey, don´t get alarmed.
Don´t get alarmed. We done the right thing by you.
We took the other one off for nothing.
But this could be your lucky day, Mr. Deasey.
How´s that?
There´s a fellow in ward 7 wants to buy your slippers.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Music plays ]
What a mess! What a bloody shambles!
We got a few laughs.
Of course they´ll laugh in Liverpool.
If you strangled a cat and ate it, they´d laugh in Liverpool.
But how the hell are we going to look when we get to London?
It´s all your fault, Heather.
Your timing was all over the place.
I´m sorry.
Sorry? Oh, sorry.
That makes everything better, does it?
Can we rehearse?
What? Rehearse, rehearse?
I´ve been doing that routine now for 40 years
and you want me to rehearse?
Please.
Well, all right, then, but just you and I, Heather.
Deasey knows what it´s all about.
Tomorrow morning, 10:00 in Deasey´s dressing room.
Just you and I.
I mean, we don´t want to embarrass the lady
in front of the rest of the company, now, do we?
It´s Hedda.
What is?
My name.
Anything you like.
Oh.
[ Humming ]
Morning.
[ Clears throat ] Ah, yeah, morning.
I don´t know why you´re hesitating.
I mean, your husband buggered off when it suited him.
It´s not that. Think of the hours.
I´d be working most nights until 7:00.
What about Alan?
Oh, well, he can come to me.
He likes being in my shop well enough, the little imp.
No guessing where he gets that from.
Probably his grandmother.
Why do you want me to take this job?
Because I want you to take care of yourself.
That´s why.
I mean, you learned how to do that during the war.
Yes, but the war´s over. Things should have changed.
Yes, but men haven´t.
Anyway, what will Annabel think?
Does Annabel think?
Go on, take the job.
Can I get you anything?
Oh, no, I´ve got the Liverpool Echo
and Scott and Hodges on the wireless doing our act again,
and if push comes to shove,
I could always jump Mrs. O´Callaghan.
What more could a man want?
Jolly good.
Where´s Hedda?
Oh, she´s rehearsing with Morton Stanley.
Oh, that´s nice, isn´t it?
Hedda and Stanley.
You and Hedda. All having a big success.
Do you want to know how I feel?
Spotty, redundant, and excluded.
Ah, you´ve got it all wrong.
Ow!
The three of us, together,
we´re going to go all the way.
All the way where?
Well, all the way there, wherever it is you go.
I can always tell when you´re lying.
Your left eye wanders.
Does it?
[ Smack, thudding ]
HEDDA: Stop it!
What´s up with you?
Nothing I can´t cope with, thank you, Mrs. Stanley.
Just a minute. What´s the problem?
Why don´t you tell your husband
to keep his hands and anything else to himself?
I see. Not to worry. I´ll have a word with him.
Let´s not go telling tales.
Think of the show, love.
We´ve got to maintain our professional integrity,
haven´t we?
Haven´t we just.
That´s right.
You´ll go far, sweetheart,
provided you play your cards right.
Morton!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Morning, Mr. Deasey.
Morning, Dr. Stanley.
Now, tell me and be frank about it,
what did you have for your breakfast this morning?
[ Laughter ]
Yes, but it´s never the same when you do.
Now, that´s a funny one. Now, that´s a funny one.
[ Laughter ]
I´m full up, dear.
I´m looking for my husband.
MRS. O´CALLAGHAN: Well, I haven´t got him.
Ian Deasey. I´m Mrs. Deasey.
MRS. O´CALLAGHAN: No, you´re not.
Yes, I am.
Well, I must have mixed them up, then.
Come on in.
Give me his notes, nurse.
Come on, quick about it. Quick, quick, quick.
[ Whistling ]
Ha ha ha, so that´s it.
Nasty. Oh, very nasty.
What?
There´s been a tragic miscalculation.
IAN: How do you mean?
This could be the end of your career, Mr. Deasey.
How do you mean?
You won´t be able to do it anymore.
Is this him?
[ Laughs ] ***.
Where´s Ian?
This is my room.
They´re -- He´s next door.
He´s at the theater now, though.
Do what?
The necessary.
Get away from me.
You´ve had your chance. Get away.
So we could always try a splint.
A splint?
Shut up!
Don´t worry, Mr. Deasey, you know what they say.
Behind every cloud, there´s a silver lining.
How´s that?
You´ll be able to sleep better.
Get him off!
You changed everything.
I didn´t know what I was supposed to do.
You´ve got to learn to improvise.
If you can´t improvise, you´re sunk.
-What? -Well, you´re sunk anyway.
You´re fired and your girlfriend.
-What have we done? -Ask her.
Conduct prejudicial to company discipline.
This old goat tried to get into my knickers.
A monstrous accusation.
Get out, you little trollop, or I´ll call the police.
What am I going to do?
We´ll find something.
Well, I´ve got no act now, no job, no money.
I´ve got nothing, have I?
You´ve got me.
Deasey.
Hello, Ian.
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