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I don't have to take this anymore.
It's you.
Hi.
You two know each other?
Have you got a problem with me
seeing your brother?
Liv, whatever he's told you,
don't believe him.
He's a psycho.
Stay away from her.
Why do you care?
They're brothers.
If you cared then why did
you *** my best friend?!
Mins!
Are we still friends?
I was hoping more than that.
I don't care if they're one-legged
deadhermaphrodites.
I need some sex.
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***-a-doodle-doooo!
Rags! Rags!
Good boy.
Good boy, go on! Go on!
Ohh!
Morning, Da'.
I was, er
I was I was putting it
in a cup first.
So it's fine, cos it was, like
cup first, and then swoosh.
Straight down the plughole.
You know? For hygiene.
Night, Da'.
Top field today.
Big job.
Oh, is it?
Happy birthday, Bey.
Nice.
I love you, Ultrawank.
Requests?
Good shout.
Ooh, I wonder
what I've got in my bag.
Oh! That'll certainly give me
a big prick, that will.
That's a long shape.
But my favourite one of all is
the banana.
Ooh, he's very ripe.
Get that banana right in
my big bloody ***.
Oh, yeah.
Yes! Give me a good banana
milkshake, you bananary ***!
Ooh! Oh, yes, banana!
Oh! Oh!
Well, that was a proper job.
Get in my gob,
you big yellow ***!
Oh, banana.
What is it?
It's your birthday present, Alo.
It's a spade.
Oh.
I've been talking to your father.
You're not going to town tonight.
What?
Da's milking on a rolling shift.
He needs you.
I can't.
Me and Rich are doing
stuff.
I don't give a monkey's, Alo.
Your father needs help.
Every single day
he's out there on his own.
Anything could happen to him.
He's got Dewi.
Ma', it's my birthday!
There are bigger problems
in this world
than you and your poxy
little friends, my lad.
But Ma!
You need to try harder, Alo.
You are not being fair.
Cheers for me spade, Mum.
Oh!
Happy birthday, son.
Oh.
Wow.
Thanks, Dad.
She's a good runner.
You've a lot to catch up on,
so you can't go out for too long.
Actually, Da', there's
Up you pop, mush.
So, Dad, me and Rich
were thinking of sort of
It's my birthday and everything,
so we were thinking of
Concentrate.
Nice and easy,
just like I taught you.
Right.
Yeah.
Nice one.
Nice and gently,
couple of fingers worth.
Not too much choke.
He's a good lad, Dew.
Finally!
I swear, if you've been
ultra-wanking
Problem.
Oh, here we *** go.
I think I'm gonna be late to the pub.
Rich, how hot should tractors get?
I'm not at the pub, Alo.
I'm at your surprise party.
What?
Yeah.
Happy birthday
you ungrateful ***.
Happy birthday, Alo!
Oh, ***! Mate, I can't get away.
Mumgabe's doing her nut.
Tell him he's scheduled
to entertain the young debutante.
Liv's got you a practice girl.
What?
Like, a real one?
Does she look good?
Um
No.
I think it's retinal.
What? Look, listen, mate,
if there was ever a rock-solid,
iron-clad, balls-in chance
of you getting laid, then this
is definitely it.
All right?
Tell him you've done
the vol-au-vents.
Yeah, I've done
*** vol-au-vents.
So finish up
and get your *** together.
Oh, come on!
What happened here? Get out.
I dunno, it just sort of
it just sort of went.
Dad, there's this, er
there's this party
He overheated it.
So I should probably, er I
should probably be heading off, then.
Alo, we need to sort this.
Dad, it's my birthday.
Rich is
Fine.
Just go, then, Bey.
But you need to
Nice one, Da'!
I think he's *** it.
*** my balls!
Has a war started?
Where did you go last night, Alo?
Nowhere.
All right, town.
But I had to, Rich did vol-au-vents.
I don't care what drugs
your friends were taking.
But Dad said
Your father should have asked me.
These arrived for you in the post
this morning.
Your projected grades.
There's an application form
for Nando's stapled to them.
No, there isn't.
Oh, this is just victimisation!
We've decided you're
leaving college.
Today.
What?
We tried to be reasonable with you,
Alo,
but last night was the final straw.
We tried to give you a choice,
but you have let yourself down
again, haven't you?
From now on, you're gonna work here
with your father
so we can keep an eye on you.
You're joking?
I'm not leaving college, Mum.
We're meeting Mr Blood at ten.
Put your suit on.
Mum, I'm not leaving college.
Check out the *** heap.
Nice car!
Mum!
Stay in the car with the dog, Dewi.
Not today, thank you, Richard.
So, here on the form,
where it says "reason for leaving",
I'll just put "simpleton", OK?
He's just a bit
Useless?
Well, it's very refreshing to see
parents taking an honest appraisal
of their child's limitations.
We just don't know
what else to do with him.
Of course you don't.
And why should you?
Now, I am required to suggest
that Alo picks up
some kind of vocational outlet.
The world needs ditch diggers too,
and all that.
Well, he'll be working
with his father, on the farm.
How, er agricultural.
Just in case, an old
college chum of mine
runs a medical testing facility.
They're giving away free Xboxes
to new admissions.
Old Xbox or Xbox 360?
Blatantly on a piece of string.
All right, fun police.
What the ***'s going on?
My mum's in there, ruining my life.
We know.
That's why we're
doing a kidnap on you.
Oh.
Nice one.
Where are we going?
Rich?
Um We've only planned this far.
So
Pub?
Pub.
Nice one!
So you're just going to roll over?
Well, what else can I do?
Go Viking on that ***.
Burn the *** down.
No Couldn't do it to the old boy.
So where do you draw the line?
You're a person, Alo, not a cow.
It's your life, so you get
to choose.
That's the deal.
I know they're being ***,
but I can't just wreck the farm.
It's all they've got, and I
You know
No, what?
I love them and stuff.
Ha-ha.
You're gay for your parents.
Grace! Come on.
And what exactly are we doing
in this *** hole?
They've done a kidnap on me.
Alo fancies his parents, even though
they're making him drop out
for free slave labour on the farm.
You've got to do something, mate.
Cos it won't stop.
They'll just keep grinding you down
till you're miserable
and soulless and old,
just like them.
You've got to stick it
to the man, bruv.
***.
Aloysius Schmeichel Creevey!
*** sell-out, Rags!
It's no good you sulking, Alo.
You've officially left college now.
Yes, Mum.
I've planned out your day for you.
You should have this lot finished
by bath time.
Yes, Mum.
I'm only thinking of you, Alo.
You may not like it,
but you've had your chances.
Yes, Mum.
And time and time again you've
let us both down.
Hasn't he, Owen?
Hasn't he, Owen?
Oh.
Yes, dear.
Oh!
Now, I want you to take
all this lumber,
all this bits of tat and that,
and sort out a great big old bonny.
You know? Like, er, like for a
witch.
Huh.
Yeah.
And then take
Well, take it round the back,
but be careful of the mice.
And then just set fire
to the bloody lot.
Proper job, eh?
See?
See.
Whoo ***.
What are you playing at?
This should have been done
an hour ago.
It's been hectic in here, Dad.
I think I need a brew.
No, Alo.
But I'm gasping.
Just do as you're told for once.
It's me who gets in the neck,
you know.
And put your bloody shoe back on.
Yeah,
old bey'll do the ploughing.
We've got to move
all the rocks, like.
You don't,
you *** up the blade.
Then we'd be up *** creek.
Simple as that.
Yeah.
You got to keep your wits about you.
I remember once, there's a rock
n- n-no bigger than your fist
You know what, Dewi?
Half the time, no-one can understand
a *** word you're saying!
We'll have to pick up the pace.
You need to learn this stuff, Alo.
You need to know what you're doing.
I do know what I'm doing.
Well, not that one.
I can do it, Da'.
I said leave it, bey.
Dad, I said I can do it.
That one don't move, bey.
It's always been there.
So just do as you're told, see?
***'
Told you.
Fine where it was.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's fine isn't it, Da'?
Yeah, we all just like it
the way it is, don't we?
Where you going, bey?
Just doing as I'm told, Da'.
Sticking to Ma's list.
Alo?
What are you doing in 'ere?
Nothing.
What's that smell?
That's cow ***, Mum.
Don't get smart with me, my lad.
Why isn't that barn cleared?
Just sticking to your schedule, Mum.
If you were sticking to it,
you'd be bathing Rags by now.
Rags doesn't like baths.
He's farm property, Alo.
He likes
what the farm tells him to like.
Lot of that going around,
isn't there?
Will you speak to your son?
What?
He's taking the ***, Owen,
and it's you letting him do it.
All right, love.
Mum, lay off him.
If I wanted your opinion, Aloysius,
I'd ask for it.
Sorry, Mum.
Come on, hen, I'll make a brew.
It's all right.
It's not all right.
Everything that boy touches
turns to ***.
You're a disgrace, Aloysius Creevey.
You're a disgrace to me
and you're a disgrace
to this family.
Mum!
Oh, don't start, Alo.
Dad?
She's right, bey.
You need to sort yourself out.
Owen! Am I going to have to make
that cup of tea myself?
Coming, hen.
Bessie?
Bey, you all right? What
Alo?
Please don't tell Mum.
Mum, it was an accident.
I didn't mean to.
Mum!
Mum!
You can't just take all my stuff.
Don't! Mum!
Pack this lot up now.
No!
Where's Rags going to sleep?
No *** way.
She's taking Rags, Dad.
Dad, she's taking my *** dog!
Look, I don't care about the van,
all right?
The computer, the telly, whatever.
Just not Rags, all right?
Yeah?
All right, Dad?
Please?
We'll be back later tonight.
You're not to set one foot off this
farm, my lad, you understand?
I want that list done
by the time we're home.
Any problems, just give
your Aunty Pippa a ring.
Ma says her fella'll give us
a good price for this lot.
And we'll sort
the damage out when
Right, well
Matty?
Yeah, we're sticking it to the man.
And his mum's not in, is she?
No, he specifically said free house.
Good, cos she was *** intense.
Oh, my God!
Ultimate *** milk bomb war!
Bring it on!
Oi!
Here, help me, help me, back me up.
Ow!
Get in the bin!
Come on!
Oi!
OK, guys.
Bum's rush on three.
One, two, three!
Why didn't you run?
I didn't want to mess up your hair.
I love you quite a bit, Rich.
Eurgh!
You remember the other day
when we were going to
Mm, yeah?
So, tonight, then?
In those clouds.
Look, there's Kanye West
and there's the pig.
Oh!
Poor pig.
So you're fine
with Nick coming over, then?
So long as he doesn't make us
run drills, the more the merrier.
You know,
I think you should call more people.
In fact, call everyone you know
Alo
And we're gonna need supplies,
lots of supplies.
Let's just think about this.
I have thought about it, Rich.
Do it.
And I said
Yeah, hey, Mum.
Mum.
Mum!
Mum! Mu-u-u-um!
Mu-u-u-u-u-um!
Woo!
Woooo!
Woooo! Wooo-hoo!
Minerva McGuinness!
What?
Is that not your full name?
*** hell, Farm Boy.
Put your jaw on straight.
Do you want some?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's a really good look.
Hi, babes.
All right?
Yeah.
Just have to try
and not touch anything.
Who's your crusty boyfriend?
*** off.
He's Matty's mate or
something.
Oh, I see.
We wouldn't want Matty
getting jealous, would we?
What the *** are you on about?
I I've seen the way
you look at each other.
I say go for it.
Liv'd do it to you in a heartbeat.
You know what, Mini?
I'm trying really *** hard
to show people
that you're not a complete ***.
***!
Hey, buddy, what's your problem?
You all right?
What was that in there?
Just some prick.
Franky
what's the deal?
What do you mean?
I mean, like
like, do you like boys or?
Cos no-one cares.
***, I could tell you some stories
about Mini that'd surprise you.
People get curious, that's all.
Fair enough.
*** my balls!
Oi! Mash face! Your 'rents are back.
Huh?
Right.
Nice one.
Attention, everyone, please!
Can I have your attention?
I just wanted to thank everyone
for coming.
My parents are back now
and they are gonna be dicks.
Boo!
But-but-but in the spirit
of this evening, which has been
sticking it to the *** man!
Let's get naked, go out there and
show those old *** who's boss.
Isn't your dad a farmer?
Yeah.
Has he got any guns?
Well, yeah, a few.
So?
Bail! Bail!
Stop pushing me!
Oh.
Hi, guys.
What?
I didn't leave the farm.
What is this? What have you done?
Oh, here we *** go.
Come on, then, Dad, let's have it,
shall we?
Why don't you tell me exactly what
Mum thinks?
Right, my boy
Owen, don't!
Oh, sorry, Mum.
Does he need
your permission first?
Look at you.
You're ball-less and miserable
and ***
old.
What are you gonna do, eh?
What are you gonna do?!
Owen? Owen!
What's happening?
Dewi, call an ambulance.
Get away from him!
Mum, I
I said get away from him!
Get out of my sight!
All right, love.
You're all right.
It's OK.
Dewi's going to call an ambulance.
You're going to be fine.
Creevey!
Welcome to Chez Levan.
The old boy's off conferencing
for the weekend
and Matty said we should party
so I just thought, "Yeah, why not?"
Just the kind of guy I am.
Franky
What was that?
You OK, Farm Boy?
I think I *** up.
It's only a bit of flour and eggs.
I can't say the place
was a palace to begin with.
No, like
really, really *** up.
It's just when did it all get
so *** hard?
Well that's what happens.
But you adapt, don't you?
You look at what's changed
and you find a way to own it.
I think I'll just go and see Rich.
You're actually all right.
Aren't you?
Yeah.
I am all right.
I thought you were *** off.
Rich!
Rich!
Mate, I'm sorry, I know it's late
and your dad'll go mental, but
remember when we were kids
and we used to talk about just
just *** it, running away
and becoming roadies? Well
Has Hannah Montana
died or something?
Guess what I just did?
With Grace?
Yes, of course with Grace.
***!
Nice one.
I keep thinking, you know,
me and you.
We're growing up and it's ***
awesome.
This is it, mate.
We're *** living.
You all right?
Yeah.
Just chuffed for you.
So what did you want to see me
about?
Doesn't matter.
Have a good night, yeah?
Yeah, you too, man.
Rich?
Yeah?
Give her one for me, yeah?
*** off!
The thing about arable is,
you know
takes patience.
Mm
Heat of the moment, things happen,
eh? I remember once
in Dorset I
Course, they they never proved
nothing.
Have you ever had a CAT scan?
Mm?
I I got a cat.
Rags!
Hey!
Oh, Rags, I've missed you.
Rags.
Yeah.
Your da' wouldn't let her do it,
would he, boy?
Eh?
How is he, Dewi?
Home.
They only kept him in here
for a few hours.
High blood pressure.
Mind you,
it was off the *** chart.
So he's fine?
Oh, I wouldn't say that, he's got
a bad couple of years coming.
But he knew that anyway.
He didn't want to
worry you about it.
Hey, I knew you'd come by.
That's why I waited.
You want a lift home?
I dunno.
Hey, you're a Creevey man, boy.
And you always will be.
Huh?
Come on.
Hey! Hey.
Where is he?
Like you care.
Of course I care, Mum.
If you cared, Alo,
you wouldn't have done this to us.
You knew he wasn't well.
No, I didn't.
You don't tell me anything.
Can you blame us?
I'm sorry, Mum.
I just don't know what to do with you
any more, Alo.
I'm gonna try, OK?
I'm really gonna try to be better.
You need to try too.
Sometimes you make me feel
so *** useless.
But I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna grow up.
If you want me,
I'll be on top field.
Try alternating 'em.
Nice one, bey.
Nice one, Da'.
To be or not to be,
that is the question.
Let's get *** up.
I brought you a present.
Whether is nobler in the mind
to suffer the slings and arrows
of outrageous fortune
Oh, Rich, no!
Matt and I have decided
we don't want to be in the play.
But you're the leads, we need you.
or to take arms against a sea of
troubles and by opposing end them.
Everything is going to be fine,
I promise you.
Everyone's happy
when Grace is around!
I'm going away, Rich.
What about us?
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