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We have two skits...
and this year the first skit is titled
"That Was Then, and This is Now"
It compiles, Ted!
Indeed, Bill!
Then let us join the Halloween festivities already in progress!
Bogus, dude! It's 6:30. We missed the skits!
All is not lost, Ted my friend.
We have the new Flextime 1000 time-travel chamber!
We can just go back a few hours and see them.
Then let us do it, Bill my friend.
Indubitably, Ted my friend. We can't be late, dude.
But don't slam the door, dude!
[time travel noises]
But, they made a mistake.
Welcome to the year 2091.
The place: Santa Clara.
Just down Highway 237 from where they finally started building the new stadium for the Giants.
In front of you is the ROLM Flextime 1000 Time Travel Chamber.
Some say it was created so the Yale Project could complete on time.
Others say it was an attempt by engineers to overcome the barriers of time, distance, and access to CSL (Coordinated Service Leave).
Ted, this does not look like a ROLM Halloween.
Xan's not here! And look how few people are in costume!
Bill! Check it out, dude! The Rec Center's gone!
Bogus! They even filled in the pool!
And look! Building 1 rubble!
Strange things are afoot at the Amphitheater!
Gentlemen! Welcome to the year 2091!
Whoa, Bill: Off by one!
Century, dude! Heinous bug.
Hey, dude. Maybe we should call 1-800-IBM-SERV.
They know what they're doing.
NOT!
Gentlemen, allow me to introduce myself.
I am Raw Schmidtken.
Raw Schmidtken?
Well, working for ROLM sort of runs in the family.
My father, Mediumrare,
tells stories of his grandfather, Bernd Schmidtken, Chief Financial Officer of ROLM back in 1991.
The recession forced Bernd to make tremendous cuts to stay afloat,
though even that didn't work for long.
History tells of the loss of the Rec Center in 1992,
and it was all downhill from there.
What happened, Raw?
Peter Pribilla, the President of ROLM in 1991,
had a Road To Profitability plan,
but he accidentally sent it Future Delivery:
99 years!
If the plan had been implemented,
the Rec Center and all of ROLM would have been saved!
Bill, we have to save the Rec Center, dude!
Hey! Maybe we could go back in time
and get some historical-type dudes to help.
Okay!
Raw, give us that plan.
We'll go back and use it to save the Rec Center.
Gentlemen, you're on your own... and good luck!
OK, the first thing on the list is marketing:
selling stuff!
And who better to know about selling than Mr. Ronald McDonald,
server of well over five billion hamburgers!
Excuse me, Mr. McDonald, sir! I'm Ted Theodore Logan,
and I'm Bill S. Preston, Esquire.
And together we are:
ROLM Systems! [electric guitar riff]
We'd like some help, selling things.
Selling things? It's McEasy!
All you McNeed to McDo is find a handy McPrefix and McStick it on the McBeginnings of all the McWords!
Well, we do phone things.
So why not McTry "Call" as a McPrefix?
Call? Hmmm... Callpath!
Anything else, sir?
McCourse, McCourse.
McSpeed! McFast McProduct cycles. McTurnover, McTurnover.
McMuffin! McMuffin!
McAlways have a clean McStore.
RONALD>> Keeps the McCustomers McHappy. BILL>> Callbridge!
Then McAlways have your McWorkers McWash their McHands before starting their McWork!
Callstat... Callmaster!
Mr. McDonald, can you think of anyone else who's good at selling things?
The only McPerson, McDead or alive, who could outsell McMe is P.T. Barnum.
But he's McDead, Ted.
That's no problem - we've got Flextime!
C'mon Bill, let's go see this Barney dude!
BILL>> Barnum, Ted. TED>> Oh yeah.
OK.
[time travel noises]
BARNUM>> Hurry, hurry! Step right up!
Step right this way!
Look, Ted, there he is!
Pete Barnum: the guy who said
"There's a dude born every minute."
Whoa!
Step right up, boys. What's your pleasure?
Excuse us, Mr. Barnum sir,
but we need some help with a little marketing.
Well, you've come to the right place boys.
Where's the beef?
Well Pete, we need to boost sales of our phone systems. Got any ideas?
It doesn't matter what you need to sell, boys.
There's one thing that always does the trick.
Yeah? What?
BARNUM>> Sex. BILL & TED>> Whoa!
Sex sells perfume, it sells clothes, it sells walking sticks in New York and umbrellas in California!
Just ask Christo!
Make it sexy and it walks off the shelves!
Sounds good to me, Bill.
Yeah, but how do you make a CBX sexy?
Dude, maybe we could put it in a bikini!
Thanks, Mr. Pete, sir.
Son, sex always sells. And you can always raise the price!
Hey, Bill, maybe we can raise the cafeteria prices!
It's been done, dude.
Oh yeah.
Thanks again, Mister Barnum, sir.
Anytime, boys, anytime. Step right up!
C'mon Bill, let's go.
We gotta do... umm...
"***-nutty" next.
Ingenuity, Ted.
Oh yeah.
Well, what if we got, like,
a whole bunch of genius-types from history together in one room?
Maybe we can even get Alexander Graham Bell himself, dude!
Yeah, but we'll have to leave all the little Baby Bells at home, dude.
[time travel noises]
Greetings, brilliant ingeniuses!
Ted and I have brought you another ingenuitous person,
Mister Werner von Siemens!
I vas just laying der cable into der ocean, when dese
nice boys asked me to have der Spaten mit dem!
So how are the invention ideas going, dudes?
EDISON>> Well, we've got the cranial integration feature:
"To listen, think 3."
You see, all you need is a bright idea
and then patent it.
BILL>> Good idea, Mr. Alva-Edison.
EINSTEIN>> Yes yes,
Intergalactic voicemail can work.
Just a Guppy SMR.
EINSTEIN>> But how to get the messages to the stars? BELL>> PhoneMail Network, perhaps?
SIEMENS>> I have it!
I can lay a trans-galactic cable!
EINSTEIN>> Ja! Doppler Effect, Kepler,
Bach...
Yes it would work!
[general congratulations]: Good, good!
BILL & TED>> Patent it, dudes!
Gentlemen!
You have all been most excellent with your ingenuity.
Ted and I thank you most profusely
for your egregiously awesome intelligence.
You have helped save our Rec Center.
Safety,
Ingenuity,
Entrepreneurship,
Marketing,
Economy,
New cooperation,
Security.
How convenient!
They investigated them all until finally...
TED>> Bill, how are we doing on the list, dude?
Done, dude!
Excellent!
So let us get back to Halloween!
We should probably pick up some people on the way, Bill.
Yeah...
and Pete... and Mister McDonald...
[time travel noises]
We made it, Ted!
Yes, Halloween at ROLM 1991.
Greetings, ROLMan-type dudes!
CROWD>> Greetings, Ted!
Where's the beer?
Ted, first we have to save the Rec Center.
Oh, yeah. Hey, Bill, who's this?
I don't know, Ted.
Looks like a stowaway.
RAY>> My friends, together, you and I
can kick the winning touchdown in the World Series of telecommunications.
Then, the future will indeed come here to the past, on time.
Let us move boldly forward, with a gameplan
that will lead us to victory.
Let us go!
BILL & TED>> Nicht!
But with the friends we brought with us, saving the Rec Center should be easy!
Where's that Schmidtken guy? Bernd?
Mr. Edison, if you could take those invention ideas over there to Juergen...
EDISON>> Y'know, this looks like a great place to work!
Mr. McDonald, sir, ROLM Company is over there.
Mr. Scrooge, do you have any suggestions?
First off, why are you picking up the garbage every day?
Once a month or so should be plenty.
Why are you making so much garbage anyway?
Why in my day... whoa!
I've fallen, and I can't get up!
BERND>> A safety violation? Off to Facilities with you!
SCROOGE>> Air conditioning? Air conditioning?
Turn it off!
Air is for plants!
Let them wear shorts!
BERND>> We could use a man like you in finance!
BARNUM>> I see... a CBX!
In a bikini!
With its switches glistening with oil
and a gleam in its eye.
It says,
"Please Hold."
BERND>> Right. Product Planning?
And who is that?
TED>> That's McGruff the Crime Dog, sir!
BILL>> He is here to help with security.
MCGRUFF>> Remember kids, wear your badge. Don't tailgate!
Help take a bite outta crime!
BERND>> Gentlemen, with these new ideas, and these
interesting personnel you have recruited for our company
I can safely say
that ROLM is now solidly on the Road To Profitability.
BILL>> That's great, your well-done-ness.
But what about the Rec Center?
BERND>> The Rec Center stays, of course!
BILL & TED>> Excellent! [guitar riff]
TED>> Be transnational to each other!
BILL>> Live long and profit!
RAW>> And so, PhoneMail begged and bribed their way to victory in the 1991 Halloween skit contest,
and the future of the Rec Center, and of ROLM, was saved.
Now in 2091,
the new Rec Center has been expanded
to include the old Great America with 33 pools, and a water slide.
Raises are way up,
turnover is way down.
Every cubicle has its own ergonomically correct chaise lounge,
with vibrating heat massage.
And next year,
PhoneMail's getting UNIX workstations!
BILL & TED>> Wow!
RAW>> Yes, things are pretty wonderful now in 2091
thanks to two engineers
who really cared about the road to profitability
and their Rec Center!
BILL/CURTIS>> Hold it! Hold it!
CURTIS>> Dave, this skit made no sense.
TED/DAVE>> No problem, Curtis! We've still got the Flextime 1000. Let's just go back and do it over again!
[crowd mumbles] Okay! Let's go!