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I've got some news for you that's both good news and bad news:
conflict is essential. Now I didn't say that conflict is something to be overcome,
conflict to something to be avoided, conflict is something we work through;
I said "conflict is essential." Conflict is essential to making you
a better person. The ancient proverb in the Old Testament says
"as iron sharpens iron so one friend
sharpens another." That's how it works in life: when you have conflict that's done
in a healthy way with another person
you get perfected in the process. People come to me for marriage counseling and they say
"I can get along with anyone except for him"
and I say "well of course -- that's cuz you're married." That's what marriage is.
It it's a place where you are sharpened
like iron against iron, a place where you're taking off the rough edges of each other.
All of us have unfinished business in life and so we find ourselves attracted
to someone
who feels familiar in some way, who is gonna take us to the deepest
unfinished parts of ourselves and help perfect us.
God has sent you the perfect person on the planet
to make you more mad than any other human being possibly could.
But he has sent you a person who's gonna take you to the deepest parts of you
that's gonna help perfect you in a way that no one else can perfect you.
Here's how it works: All relationships have a cycle
of conflict. The cycle of conflict starts with commitment
because we are essentially people of commitment. Did you know
that people who live together before they get married
have a higher divorce rate than people who don't live together? It doesn't make sense!
After you've road-tested a relationship it seems to me when you get married it should be a
slam-dunk!
That's not how it works. Once you commit yourself to someone
it changes you. Commitment changes us. So commitment
leads to trust and once you trust another human being --
once you're all in -- once you fully trust -- what do you think's gonna happen?
They're gonna disappoint you. Trust, then, leads to conflict
and that gets us to a decision point. You can do one of three things at this
place -- once you get to conflict
in a committed relationship one of three things can happen. One:
you get out. You say "I can't -- I don't want to deal with this.
I didn't sign up for this! This is too much work! I'm gonna go find somebody that
doesn't fight as much."
And good luck with that one by the way. Number two: you can recommit yourself.
You can say "let's start the cycle all over again. Let's
let bygones be bygones. Let's just commit ourselves; look: we're committed, let's just
forget about the past and start over again. Well that's not a bad thing,
but nobody learns anything new. You're starting the cycle all over again
and we call this "gridlock." Gridlock means: I have recommitted myself to relationship
but there's nothing different. So what do you think's gonna happen
if nothing's different? You're gonna trust, you're gonna fail each other
and you're gonna get in conflict again and you're gonna start the cycle all over again,
only this time it's gridlock because nothing changes.
Here's the third option: The next time you fight
you realize God has sent you this person to teach you something about yourself
and in this instance you learn something new about yourself.
You learn: "you know what? I've been too aggressive -- you know -- I've been too anxious --
I've been pursuing this person in a way that's not helpful." Or you learn:
"I withdraw too much -- I don't really open up -- I'm not vulnerable enough --
I have not shared what I need to share that's really vulnerable."
But the important part is this: the next time you have conflict
you're not in it to learn something about the other person and point out what they
need to change;
you're in it to learn something new about yourself.
This time when you re-commit yourself in the cycle it's different
because you're different. And the next time you fight --
after you commit yourself and trust -- you have what we call the "anger of hope."
And the anger of hope is: "I know we can be better
because I know I can be better; because this conflict is
sharpening me as a person. I've learned something new about myself
so I'm gonna do it differently next time. Now the cycle of conflict
is actually an anger of hope because you're anger
hopes that we can do it better. That's when you say after you fight
"you know what? I'm glad we talked about this" instead of "I wish we'd never brought it up."
That's when the cycle of conflict is a healthy cycle of anger.
You can do that if your goal is to learn something new
about yourself. Next time it's gonna be different.
I'm delighted to be able to tell you that's my book "Jesus the Greatest Therapist
Who Ever Lived"
is now approaching two million copies sold worldwide.
This book is a psychological look about the teachings of Jesus.
We all know his spiritual message -- which is what he came to tell us about.
What most of us don't know is that embedded in his teachings
are bits of psychological wisdom that are brilliant
for how to conduct our emotional lives today. If you want to read more
about the integration of psychology in the teachings of Jesus you'll be able to
get a copy and judge for yourself: Is he the greatest
psychologist who ever lived? I think so.