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Kaput! Zosky! I know you're here somewhere!
Come on out with your hands in the air, and maybe I won't hurt you!
Zosky, we're done for! We're out of ammo... Ah!
Maybe he'll spare us if we surrender?
Dream on, Crazy Joe swore he'd get us!
He doesn't know what mercy means.
Actually that's his only redeeming quality, you know.
No, we need a plan.
Look over there! Cuckooland!
Are you kidding, it's full of crazy people.
There's nothing for us in Cuckooland, we've already been there.
Exactly, we already know our way around, and that's to our advantage.
It's our only chance.
(LAUGHING) There he is, Kaput.
(BOTH LAUGHING LOUDLY)
KAPUT: Come on!
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
(BOTH PANTING)
Quick, put this on! And let me do the talking, all right?
What do you want?
We'd like to come in, it's an emergency!
Only crazy people are admitted here.
Er... I know! I'm completely nuts.
And so is my buddy. Right, Kaput?
Me? No way, what are you talking about?
If he's really that bad, he needs emergency treatment!
Hey, what are you doing!? Lemme go, ya piles of crud!
Hey, what about me?
What about you, you faker?
I've never seen such an obvious fraud.
How about this...
How's that for a fraud?
(BOTH GROANING)
Great plan, Zosky!
Was it part of the strategy
to wear jackets that button down the back!
Oh! Very trendy.
CUCKOOZIANS: PEEK-A-BOO!
Hey, there are the Cuckoozians!
Hey, there are the Cuckoozians!
What a bunch of weirdos!
What a bunch of weirdos!
Huh, and who are you, the weirdo of the week?
Huh, and who are you, the weirdo of the week?
Hey, king and country...
Oh, I filled my pants.
Don't mind him. He repeats everything he hears.
Yeah, well, he'd better cut it out.
And I won't say that again!
Peek-a-boo again!
Say hello to the nice tyrants, Jack!
JOE: Kaput! Zosky! I know you're here somewhere!
(JOE LAUGHING) I'm gonna get you two!
(FLIES BUZZING)
Open up, or I'll blow the door down!
Man, what a stench!
We're gonna have to clean you up, buddy!
Crazy Joe is gonna clean you up first!
My Cuckoozian friends!
We have come from deep space to protect you from the Big-Ol'-Smelly-Bad-Guy!
Listen, he's coming this way! Quick! Will you do as we say?
ALL: Yes.
Long live our Great Cuckoos!
I'll get you now!
I know you're in here!
ZOSKY: Get him, boys!
(ALL CLAMORING)
Good to see you again, Joe.
You should fit in just fine here.
They're almost as crazy as you are.
You'll be sorry! I'll get you for this!
(TSKS) Now, now, you're not being very nice.
We did lend you our jackets, after all!
Could we put him in a bag?
Or plant him in a pot, like a tree?
He would make a rather lovely plant, you know.
Speaking of trees, I don't think I'll be taking root here anytime soon.
I can't take one more minute with these weirdos!
I don't think I'll be taking root here anytime soon.
I can't take one more minute with these weirdos!
(ALL CLAMORING)
There, just a little water every other day and this Great Cuckoo will grow big and strong!
This could be the end, Zosky, ole buddy.
Serves you right! You won't get any pity from me!
Instead of mouthing off, why don't you make yourself useful for once.
Psst.
Yeah.
The gun, you idiot!
Present arms! Fire!
That would be our cue to leave, gentleman!
(LAUGHING TRIUMPHANTLY)
Wow! Did you see that? What an exit!
That bit with the gun was great!
Well done, Joe! You're the best!
I wouldn't go so far as to say the best.
How long do you think it would have taken him to figure things out if we hadn't been there?
Ya, you're right.
He's not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer.
He's as dumb as a brick even!
KAPUT: Loser! Come and get it!
Come on!
Wait for me! I'm gonna get the both of you!
KAPUT: Wow! Get a load of the crowd in here!
We're gonna rule over millions and millions of minions!
Yes, but we'll have to park first.
Oh, come on. Oh-oh-oh, there's a guy with keys.
There! Hurry! Someone's leaving!
Zosky, get on the ball, will ya? You wanna still be circling at midnight?
Would you like to drive? Ah! There's a spot!
(HORNS HONKING)
Okay! What does the intergalactic guide say about this planet?
Hmmmm, it isn't very clear, actually. It says this is the High Consumership Temple.
KAPUT: Looks kinda funny for a temple.
No matter, as soon as we've replaced the High Priest,
we can have the building redone with sculpted columns and nice corinthian leather.
-And marble thrones? -And nice plump slaves we can use as cushions!
You have such a knack!
OK, I have a plan.
We jump the High Priest, wring his neck and then sit on him.
Couldn't we sit on him before we wring his neck?
I love the sound of High Priests screaming.
If you like, but first, we have to find him. He must live in the Temple.
Gimme that, you.
We're gonna enter the Temple with this vehicle.
I'll formulate a new plan as we go.
Go! Full speed ahead, it's bumper cars!
(WHOOPING)
ZOSKY: Now that we're inside, we have to find the High Priest.
Which way do you think we should go?
(WHOOPS) Look at this. Oh. I gotta have one. Look at the size of that one...
5 of those, 6 of them.
Er... Kaput? Ka-put!
So what's up? Are you coming or not?
Look at this! It's incredible!
The latest Beta-plutonian translator with a ventral plug. I gotta have one!
Since when do you have a ventral plug?
I don't, but it's on sale. I can't pass it up.
Oh! I can't believe it! Look at that!
What is it?
A poison arrow shooter for the disabled.
What do you think, should I take three or four?
They're in six-packs.
I know. Should I take three or four six-packs?
Did you come here to shop or to take over?
I'd appreciate it if we could stay focused on ousting the High Priest.
ON PA: Shoppers, don't miss out on our Super Sale-issimo.
We would like to remind you that the winner of our Super Sale-issimo contest
will be elected High Consumer!
Oh! Will you stop shopping! We've gotta win that contest!
Huh? Don't you want to sit on the High Priest anymore?
There is no High Priest! Didn't you hear?
They elect a High Consumer. He's the one who rules!
Er... How does this Super Sale-issimo contest work?
Simple! When you hear the bell, you run to the check-out.
Whoever has the most useless things, and they've gotta be on sale, wins.
Wow, with all that useless stuff you could be a contender.
What's she talking about?
Poison arrow shooters for the disabled are very useful.
And this Beta-plutonian translator. Well, one day we could meet a Beta-plutonian.
Doubtful, there are only two of them left in the whole galaxy.
Well, that's two chances of meeting one.
Anyway, it's way more useful than a mop that doesn't even suit you.
(CRYING)
Don't worry about her, she won't be so snotty when we start using her as a cushion.
We're gonna win that contest.
OK, try to keep up. We have to show them we're the best High Consumers.
Then we'll run this place!
(CLAMORING)
There's quite a lot of competition.
Not for long, there isn't, trust me.
ZOSKY: Don't forget that.
Make way, ya piles of crud! Let your leaders through!
(SCREAMS)
(GUN FIRING)
(LAUGHS) Take that!
(BOTH SCREAM)
Congratulations! You have been elected our Super Sale-issimo High Consumers of the day.
Please crown these gentlemen.
You may call us Your Majesties.
And you've worked hard for that title!
Ladies and gentlemen, believe it or not,
our High Consumers' bill totals 28,374 brouzoufs!
Look at all this useless junk!
(CROWD EXCLAIMS)
Thank you, thank you. We would also like two marble thrones.
And two cushions, please.
So, with two marble thrones, that comes out to a total of
72,644 brouzoufs.
If we subtract the money-back prize awarded to the winners of our Super Sale-issimo contest,
our High Consumers now owe us a modest 65,379 brouzoufs!
Isn't that incredible!
Not so fast. Pay up, boys.
What are you talking about? When you rule, you don't pay!
What is this rule baloney?
You won a ten percent discount that's all. Come on, cough up the brouzoufs.
Get these deadbeats out of here.
(BOTH SCREAMING)
I've had it. Shopping is exhausting.
What say we blow this pop stand?
Um, Kaput, do you remember where we're parked?
Well, of course I do, what a question! It's in the parking lot.
(KAPUT CRYING) I wanna go home.
ZOSKY: OK, next "Famous planet, history of cruel and merciless dictators!"
Seven letters! Starts with "G-O"!
G-O, G-O. Seven letters...
Oh, I can't believe this. I have no idea!. G-O...
(GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATIONS)
Maybe it's Gooston! We just went past it!
G-O-O-S-T-O-N. GOOSTON! That's it!
-(BRAKES SCREECH) -KAPUT: Say wha-what's going on?
Gooston! "Famous planet, history of cruel and merciless dictators!"
This is our big chance, buddy!
Gotcha! Gooston, you have a problem.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
-(CRASH) -(BOTH GROAN)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Ah-hem.
Thank you, thank you oh, my good people, thank you ganders, geese, and goslings!
The time has come for the Great Goose Games!
May the contestants enter the arena!
(MENACING LAUGHTER)
-(GRUNTS) -(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
-(FLEXES MUSCLES) -(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
Kaput, look at the pecs on that guy.
-Ah, they're implants. -Are you sure, how can you tell?
-Ah, I got one myself. -What?
ZOSKY: Are they slugs?
Hmm, weird kind of game. What do you think the winner gets?
I dunno. Anyway, who cares. They aren't even armed! Waste of a good crowd, if ya ask me.
Good luck to all, you know the stakes of the game.
The first to make it to the throne-nest becomes Gooston's new master!
Hey, hey! What are we waitin' for. Let's go, go, go!
BETTY: Ah, two last minute contestants,
this game should be really thrilling!
The chicks are down, no more bets!
Say, excuse me, old chap, what exactly do we have to do?
(LAUGHS) Nothing! Chance is all that determines who wins!
Let luck do its thing, my friend.
Oh, gee ***, will ya look at that, it went off all by itself. Bad luck, I guess.
BETTY: Square four!
"Cosmic bus stop."
(SCREAMS)
BETTY: But the bus is late, lose a turn!
(ZOSKY LAUGHS)
Big Guy is stuck! That's good for us.
Square six!
"Knit your tentacles for two turns!"
Square five!
(SCREAMS)
"Back to square one!"
Square three!
"Particle accelerator, go to square 18!"
Square 18! "Take a break, this is the good life!".
Well, if you ask me, so far we're not doing too badly.
Yeah... But there's no chance to cheat, plot, or obliterate.
It's... It's way too sportsman-like.
Hey, get ready, it's our turn again!
(SIGHS)
Work, work, work. When do we get to rule?
BETTY: Square 23!
(KAPUT AND ZOSKY SCREAMING)
KAPUT: Guess you still hate gravity!
BETTY: Jacuzzi! "Take some time out and relax
"so you're good and ready for your next turn!"
This just gets better and better. In two days they'll crown us emperors!
Square nine!
"Black hole!"
(SCREAMS)
Square 11!
"I'm a poor abandoned egg, sit on me until I hatch!"
-Square five! -Aaah! I'm dying!
-"Back to square one!" -Ooohhh.
Square 60!
Only three more squares and the throne is theirs!
KAPUT: Who's ruling at this game?
Square 17!
"Change places with the leading contestant."
KAPUT AND ZOSKY: The leading contestant? But that's us!
CONTESTANT: Too bad!
Square 17!
"Change places with the leading contestant."
KAPUT: Too bad for you, sucker!
Square 17!
"Change places with the leading contestant."
CONTESTANT: Oh, yes! KAPUT: Okay, okay, we get the idea!
Square 16!
Only three more squares and the throne is theirs!
-Three, three, three. -Come on!
Three, three, three.
(LAUGHING)
(BOTH SCREAMING)
There we go, now we're the masters.
-It wasn't easy, though. -No pain, no gain, Kaput my friend.
Nice crown by the way.
Yeah, thanks, you too.
Come, come, my good people, it is time for us to leave!
What is this?
It must be a parade in our honor!
You didn't know? It's traditional. We do it every year.
After the Great Goose Games,
the Great Migration begins.
"Two guys traveling in a secondhand spaceship."
Uhhh, easy, maggots?
ZOSKY: No, loser.
Hey! Where do you get off calling me a loser!
Well. If the shoe fits my friend.