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Incredibly Offensive Jokes Just... don't read these, okay? If you do read them, don't ***
complain. What do you call a homosexual in a wheelchair? Rolaids. What's the difference
between a joke and two dicks? You can't take a joke. What's black and screams? Stevie Wonder
answering the iron. How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?
None... he fell. What's the best part of sex with a transvestite? Reaching around and pretending
it went all the way through. What's the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps? Phelps
can finish a race. I ran into Hitler. I was surprised to see him and asked him what he
was up to? He said "This time I am going to kill 6 million Jews and two clowns!" "Two
Clowns? Why are you going to kill two clowns?" "See? Nobody cares about zee Jews." A white
woman and a black man are dancing at a club, and after a while things start to get hot
and heavy. After some heavy kissing and petting, the woman makes the suggestion that they return
to her apartment for the night. When the couple arrives at the woman's apartment, they begin
passionately kissing and undressing each other, preparing to have frenzied and unrepentant
sex with each other. However, the white woman, curious as she was, asked the black guy as
he was taking off his pants, "before you take them off....is it true what they say about
black guys?" With a suave yet sinister look, he looked into her eyes and said "baby, of
course." He then proceeded to stab her and ran out with her purse. What's the difference
between an onion and a ***? I don't cry when I'm cutting up the ***. A guy goes
to a *** and tells the madam he only wants to spend 5 bucks. The madam thinks for
a bit, then says, "Betsy. She's down the hall, last door on the left." The guy walks down,
sees Betsy -- she's not the best looking, but she would do. He puts it in and it's the
worst feeling he's ever had on his *** -- like sandpaper and teeth. He pulls out and tells
her. "Um. something's wrong, can you do something about that?" Betsy crinkles her face, then
says, "Why of course! But it will run you another five bucks." She pockets the fiver
and goes to the bathroom and is back in no time. The guy puts it back in and now, it's
the complete opposite: it's the best feeling he's ever had, and finishes in a flash. Panting,
he asks her, "oh my god... that felt amazing... what did you do??" Betsy smiles, and says,
"for the extra five bucks, I pick the scabs." What did the *** say to the ***?
Keep the tip! How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None. What does a Jew
with an *** get when he walks into a wall? A broken nose. What's a Jew's biggest
dilemma? Free ham. What do Jewish pedophiles say? "Hey kid, want to buy some candy?" What's
the worst thing about getting your keys locked in your car outside an abortion clinic? Having
to go in to ask for a coat hanger. Three pregnant women are sitting in a doctors waiting room
knitting. Mom 1 checks her watch and takes a pill "Vitamin C, good for mom, good for
baby." Mom 2 takes a pill and says, "Vitamin A, good for mom, good for baby." Mom 3 takes
a pill and says, "Thalidomide...I can't knit sleeves." I would tell a Casey Anthony joke,
but my mom would kill me... What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? Acne doesn't
come on a boys face until he's 13. So I was balls deep in this guy thrusting as hard as
I could when I reached around to give him a hand job. Guess what? That *** had an
***. What. ***. The worst part about being a *** is trying to fit in. A man
walks past girl with no arms or legs sitting by a pool. The girl says to the man, "Excuse
me sir, I've never been *** and in my condition no one would want to *** me. Will you please
*** me?" So the man kicks her into the pool and says, "There, you're ***." A guy called
into work and says, "Hey, boss! What's the difference between work and your daughter?"
... "I'm not coming into work this morning!" God gave women yeast infections so that they
would know what it was like living with an irritating *** for once. What's worse than
sucking a dozen raw oysters out of your grandmother's ***? Sucking out thirteen of them and realizing
you only put in a dozen. What does a baby look like after a minute in the microwave?
I don't know, I close my eyes when I ***. A baby seal walked into a club... I was raping
a woman the other night and she cried, "Please, think of my children!" *** ***. Pedophiles
are *** immature ***. Have you heard the joke about the baby with AIDS? It never
gets old. What's so good about an Ethiopian ***? You just KNOW she'll swallow. I
lost my virginity to a retarded girl last night... I wanted my first time to be special.
What does it taste like when you go down on an old lady? Depends... Why did the ***
cross the road? I wore the wrong socks today. Little Johnny is staying at his grandmother's
house for the weekend with his parents. He walks into their room in the middle of the
night and wakes his mother. His mother says "What is it Johnny?". Little Johnny says "Grandma
has a shrimpy"! His mother looks at him puzzled. "She has a WHAT?" Johnny says "A Shrimpy!"
His mother has no idea what little Johnny is talking about. His mother says "Come show
me what you're talking about". Little Johnny leads his mother downstairs where his 85 year
old grandmother is lying sprawled out on the sofa in her night-gown. Her gown is wide open
and so are her legs. She is sound asleep. Johnny says to his mother "Look mommy, Grandma
has a shrimpy". He points to her vaginHis mother laughs. "No, no, Johnny, that's not
a shrimpy. That's her ***". Little Johnny looks up at his mother and says "Wow! Sure
does taste like shrimpy". What's the difference between jam and jelly? I don't jelly my ***
down a *** throat. What is the difference between a gay guy and a fridge? The fridge
doesn't fart when you pull meat out. How do you get a fat girl into bed? Piece of cake.
How are children like cellphones? If you've lost one and haven't found it in a couple
days, chances are it's probably dead. What's the difference between Sara Palin's mouth
and her ***? Retarded things only come out of her *** SOME of the time. What's
the best part about raping a baby? It makes your *** look HUGE! What's the best part
about raping a four year old boy? Watching him cry on the witness stand. How long does
it take to cook a baby in a microwave? I don't know... I can't tell time with an ***.
What's the difference between a priest and acne? Acne waits until puberty to come on
a kid's face. What do you get if you cross an elephant with a poodle? A dead poodle with
an 18 inch wide ***. Why does it take longer for a woman to *** than a man? Who
cares? What's the difference between a black guy and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family
of four. What do you call four klansman pushing a pickup truck? White power. What do you call
a black guy who flies a plane? A pilot, you racist ***! What's the difference between
a rock and a dead baby? You can't *** a rock. What do you say to a woman with two black
eyes? Nothing... you already told her twice. Why do black men cry during sex? Mace. What's
the difference between a black guy and Batman? A black guy can't go out at night without
Robin. What's white and fourteen inches long? Nothing. How many white guys does it take
to screw in a lightbulb? The number doesn't matter because the white man will screw anything.
What does a white woman make for dinner? Reservations. What do you call a white guy surrounded by
five black guys? Coach. What do you call a white guy surrounded by eleven black guys?
Football coach. What do you call a white guy surrounded by hundreds of black guys? Warden.
What do you call a white woman with a yeast infection? Cracker with cheese. What does
a *** and a white woman have in common? They're both stuck up ***. What kind of
file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole? A ***. What's a ***'s
favorite part of a hockey game? Before the First Period. How do you swat 200 flies at
one time? Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan. What is a redneck ***? A
seven year old that can run faster than her brothers. Why did Helen Keller's dog kill
itself? You would too if you were named Auuurraaagggghhh! What is the most positive thing in harlem?
***. Why do Jewish girls like to *** doggy style? They can't stand to see somebody else
have a good time. Whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? One stops sucking
when you slap it. What's the difference between a British man and his girlfriend? His girlfriend
has a higher *** count. Why is there so little Puerto Rican literature? Because spray
paint wasn't invented until 1949. How do you know if a Chinese person robbs your house?
Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, but two hours later, the *** is still trying
to back out of your driveway. What's the first thing a redneck says after losing her virginity?
Get off of me Dad, you're crushing my cigarettes. What do rednecks and KFC have in common? They
do chicken right. In Kentucky, what do divorces and tornados have in common? Either way, someone
is going to lose a trailer. Why do the Scottish wear kilts? Because a sheep can hear a zipper
from like a mile away. What does a Cuban do when he gets a flat tire? Drowns Two (insert
favorite ethnic group here) jump off the top of a very tall building. Which one his the
ground first? Who gives a ***? What's so good about an Ethiopian blow-job? You know
she'll swallow. Why did the redneck cross the road? Because he couldn't get his ***
out of the chicken. What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection? Quarter pounder with
cheese. How do you kill 100 Mexicans? Blow up their van. What do you call five Mexicans
on the bottom of a pool? Cinco What's black and blue and hates sex? A *** victim. What's
the difference between a blonde and a washing machine? They both drip when they're ***.
What did the little black boy say when he got diarrhea? I'm melting! What do you call
a fat Chinese person? A chunk. What did the little Mexican boy get for Christmas? My bike.
How are fat *** and Mo-peds the same? They are both fun to ride, but you don't tell
your friends about them. How many house wives does it take to screw in a light bulb? None!
what the *** they doing out of the kitchen!? How do you blindfold a chinese person? Dental
floss. What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? A pizza doesn't scream when you
put it in the oven! Why do black people play basketball? They can run, shoot, and steal
What did Adolf Hitler get his neice for her birthday? An easy bake oven. What's the difference
between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day? On St. Patrick's Day, everyone wants
to be Irish. What do you call an Ethiopian on a hunger strike? Ethiopian Why don't Puerto
Ricans have check books? Because it's impossible to sign your name that small with spray paint.
How do you know when a redneck has her period? She's only wearing one sock. What do you call
an Ethiopian with buck teeth? A rake. How do you stop 5 black guys from raping a white
girl? Throw them a basket ball. What do you call a *** with a runny nose? Full Whats
the difference between a Pakie & a bucket of ***? The bucket. What do you call two
Ethiopians in a sleeping bag? Twix. How do you get 100 ethiopians into a phone box? Throw
a tin of beans in. How do you get them out? Run past with a tin opener. What do you do
after you *** a 12 year old deaf dumb and blind girl? Break her fingers so she cant
tell her mom. Why doesn't Mexico enter the Olympics? Because all their best runners,
jumpers and swimmers are in America. How did the Grand Canyon get there? Two Jews dropped
a quarter down a gopher hole. How do you kill a redneck? Wait 'till he *** his sister
then cut the brakes on his house. How do you kill 100 Ethiopians? Throw a Biscuit off a
cliff. What do you do when you see someone having a seizure in a bathtub? Throw in a
load of dirty laundry. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The other is used to
carry groceries. How do you really *** off your girlfriend while having sex? Call her
on the phone. What did the *** say when he was released from prison? "I feel like
a kid again." What do you get when cross an Italian with a gorilla? A retarded gorilla.
Why could Jesus walk on water? *** Floats. What do you get wne you cross a black man
and a Mexican. A person who's too lazy to steal. What was good about the million man
march? Only three people missed work. What do you do when your woman's watch breaks?
Nothing there's a clock on the stove. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
They won't work in the future either. What do gay guys call an upside down chair? A table
for four. What's the useless skin around a *** called? The woman. Why are KFC and
a woman the same? When you're done eating them all you have left is a greasy box to
put your bone in. How do you keep an Indian out of your back yard? Move the trash cans
to the front. Why did God give women three more brain cells than cows? So they don't
*** on the floor while doing the dishes. Why is Tylenol white? It works. Why do Jews
have big noses? Because air is free. What's a homeless woman use for a vibrator? Two flies
in a bottle. Why was Helen Keller such a bad driver? She was a woman Do you wanna hear
a joke? Women's Rights. What's the new definition for mass confusion? Fathers day in Harlem.
Why shouldn't women have driver's licenses? There's no roads between the kitchen and the
bedroom. What do you call a Mexican with a sunburn? A REFRIED BEAN What do you call a
white ***? A snowball What do you call a Black ***? Mud Wrestling What do you call
a Mexican ***? FAMILY REUNION! What's the difference between a Jew and a Canoe? A canoe
tips What do 3 million abused women do wrong every year? They don't *** listen What's
the worst thing about eating vegetables? Putting them back in the wheelchair when you're done.
How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the chin. What do you call a bunch
of white guys running down a hill? An avalanche. What do you call a bunch of black guys running
down a hill? A mudslide What do you call a bunch of mexicans running down a hill? A jailbreak
I'm not racist, I have a color TV. Why does helen keller *** with one hand? So
she can moan with the other Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
Yea, they named it, Sum Ting Wong!! Have you heard about the new car designed by the Jews?
It stops on a dime and then picks it up. What do u call four Mexicans in quicksand? Cuatro
cinco. How many irish does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two! One to hold it in place
and the other to drink intill the room spins. Did you hear about the two car pile up in
Mexico? 200 Mexicans died. How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None,
they just sit in the dark and ***. What is the difference between a Russian and a
bag of ***? Nothing. What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb. What's the best thing about *** homeless girls? When you're
done, you can drop 'em off anywhere. What do *** call their balls? "Mud flaps" What
happens when you stick your hand in a bowl full of black jelly beans? You get your watch
stolen. What's long and *** a black man? The first grade. Why did Raggedy Ann get kicked
out of the toy box? She sat on Pinocchio' s face and said "lie to me!" What do you get
when you cross Raggedy Ann with the Pillsbury dough boy? A red headed *** with a yeast
infection. How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up like an altar boy. Why can't
Stevie Wonder read? Because he's black. What do you do when your dishwasher doesn't work?
Slap her. Why did the feminist cross the road? To suck my ***. What do you call a gay guy
in a sleeping bag? A fruit roll up. If a black guy, a Mexican, and a redneck are all in a
car together, who's driving? The police. What's better than taking home the gold in the Special
Olympics? Not being retarded! What do priests and Santa Claus have in common? They both
leave little boy's rooms with empty sacks. Studies show that 9 out of 10 people enjoy
gang ***. Why does Jesus hate M&Ms? They keep falling through his hands. What's the
difference between Michael Jackson and a Disney movie? Disney movies can still touch little
kids. Oxymorons: Loving God, airplane good, government intelligence, religious tolerance,
and black people. What do you call a barn full of elderly black people? Antique farm
equipment. How do you get a one-armed Scotsman out of a tree? Wave. Why don't Afghan schools
teach drivers ed and sex ed the same day? The camel would get too tired. How is locking
your keys in your car like getting your girlfriend pregnant? The problem is easily solved with
a coat hanger. What do you call a black woman who has had a dozen abortions? A crime fighter.
A man enters a pharmacy and asks for birth control pills for his wife and his seven year-old
daughter. The pharmacist is a little shocked and says, "Your seven year-old daughter is
sexually active!?" "No," replies the man. "She just sort of lays there." Did you hear
about the guy who was into ***, necrophilia, and ***? He gave it up because he was
flogging a dead horse. An Indian man dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. "Yes, how
can I help?" asks St Peter. "I'm here to meet Jesus," says the Indian man. St Peter looks
over his shoulder and shouts, "Jesus, your cab is here!" Why is a truckload of babies
different from a truckload of babies? You can't unload a truckload of bowling balls
with a pitchfork. What's red, slimy, and crawls up a woman's leg? A homesick abortion. What
do I get when I stab a baby with a knife? An ***. What do you call a redneck with
two sheep? A ***. How many times does a redneck laugh at a joke? Three times: Once when it's
told, once when it's explained, and once when he finally gets it. Why are murders easy to
commit in West Virginia? Because everyone there has the same DNA. Why would you wrap
a hamster in duct tape? So it won't explode when you *** it! Did you hear about the new
birth control they've introduced to West Virginia? They've banned family reunions! My girlfriend
told me I was a ***. That's an awfully big word for a nine year-old. What's the definition
of a woman? Life support system for ***. What's the worst way to spend Easter? Getting
crucified. How do they separate men from boys in San Francisco? With a crowbar. What do
you call a redneck who does well on an IQ test? A cheater. How do you get a racist to
laugh on a Sunday? Tell them a joke on Friday. What's the difference between a racist and
a bucket of ***? The bucket. Why is a racist like a drunk? Because whatever they say ends
in a slur. Why is a racist like a dog? Because they both mark out territory by spraying walls.
What's red and white and peels itself? A white supremacist trying to get a suntan. What's
the definition of confused? A white supremacist watching the mens 100m sprint. What do you
get when you cross a white supremacist with a donkey? Someone who thinks the sun shines
out of their own ***. Why is a white supremacist like the announcer at track meet? Because
they both start shouting the instant they see a new race. What's the difference between
a schoolyard racist and Adolf Hitler? Opportunity. What are the best four years of a redneck's
life? Sixth grade. Why do white supremacists hang around in gangs? So they can form a dope
ring. Why didn't the white supremacist cross the road? She was afraid of the other side.
How many white supremacists does it take to change a light bulb? None - racists hate being
enlightened. Have you heard about the white supremacist who choked on his yoghurt? Someone
told him it grew out of a foreign culture. Why do white supremacists compete with others
on the basis of color? Because if they competed on brains, they'd lose. Why did the white
supremacists punch out the immigrants? Because if you can't join 'em, beat 'em. How many
men does it take to change a light bulb? None. Let the *** do the ironing in the dark.
How many women does it take to change a light bulb? 11, 10 to form a committee and 1 to
get her boyfriend to do it. How many divorced Men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Who knows; they never get the house. How many divorced Women does it take to screw in a
light bulb? 4,1 to screw in the bulb, 3 to form a support group. What is the difference
between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side. What does a beer bottle and
a guy have in common? There both empty from the neck up. What's the best thing about a
***? Ten minutes silence. Why do men have a hole in their ***? So they can get
air to their brain. What's a man's idea of safe sex? A padded headboard. What's the smartest
thing to come out of a woman's mouth? Einstein's ***. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it! Why does the bride always wear white? Because it is good for the dishwasher to match
the stove and refrigerator. Why do hunters make the best lovers? Because they go deep
in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot. How can you tell which
is the head nurse? The one with the dirty knees. What is the difference between a battery
and a woman? A battery has a positive side. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde"
paint? It's not very bright, but it spreads easy. What is the difference between a drug
dealer and a ***? A *** can wash her crack and sell it again! Do you know why they
call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off you wonder where her *** went. Why do men
pay more than women for car insurance? Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.
How do you *** off a female archeologist?? Give her a used *** and ask her what period
it comes from How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by
the time she brings it to you. How do you know when a woman's about to say something
smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..." What do you call a white
man who can dance? Gay. The best kind of sex is makeup sex. It also assures that son doesn't
pick fights with me anymore. A devout man calls his mom and says, "Mom, I've got some
good news and some bad news... The good new is, I've been elected Pope!" The mother screams
in delight for a few minutes and then says, "What's the bad news?" The man says, "The
bad news is, I have to move to an Italian neighborhood." What's the difference between
snot and cauliflower? Kids will eat snot. When I was young I used to struggle keeping
my colors inside the lines. At my new job at Immigration Control however, they do as
they're *** told. I gave my blind grandmother a guide dog named "Sit." Now it won't take
her anywhere. What do you call 50 Puerto Ricans in a room with 50 lesbians? A hundred people
who won't do ***! What does a barn and an alter boy have in common? They've both probably
had a *** inside them. A guy tells his wife that he's going fishing. His wife starts to
complain because she says he never takes her anywhere, so he tells her, "Fine, you can
come fishing with me and the dog tomorrow!" The next morning, the husband wakes up and
wakes his wife. Now she's seen that her manipulation has worked a little too well and says, "I
don't want to go fishing." The husband is upset. "You *** and whined about wanting
to go somewhere with me and now you don't want to go? Fine, you don't have to go...
but you're either going to suck my *** or you're going to let me *** you in the ***."
The wife says, "Let me think about it for a minute." The husband agrees and he leaves
her to get things ready for his trip. She he comes back, she says, "I don't want to
go fishing and I'm not about to let you *** me in the ***, so I guess I'll just suck your
***." He whips it out and she starts sucking, but then stops. "Jesus Christ! Your *** tastes
like ***!" The husband says, "Yeah, the dog didn't want to go fishing either." Why did
the kindergartener drop his book? Assault rifle rounds do make you drop things. Africans
have the best drinking games. Like; the last one to find the water dies... How many Mexicans
does it take to build a fence? I don't know... I only own blacks. "I've got a new nickname
for you," I told my wife today. "What is it?" she asked. "Bambi," I replied. "Aww, is that
'cause I've got beautiful eyes?" she asked. "No, it's because I've just killed your mom,"
I replied. What's the difference between a hamburger and a dead baby? I don't *** the
hamburger before I eat it. What's the difference between a baby and a washing machine? A washing
machine doesn't cry when you drop a load in it. Gay jokes are never funny. *** on guys!