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Okay, flank.
Get around, go flank left.
Are you [Bleep] ready to die?
- Okay.
- No, no, no, no.
- You're gonna die, okay?
- Yeah.
And please, stop calling us
the [Bleep] word, all right?
It's horrible.
It's a hateful word.
Shut up, [Bleep].
Oh, good one.
Good comeback, "shut up."
Who even says [Bleep] anymore?
That's not even a word
that people say.
My grandfather says that, and my...
And my grandma still says it,
and my aunts, and a few of my uncles,
but not the gay ones.
Hey, you guys seen the packing tape?
I'm trying to send this box
of dry-ice-packed
California avocados
all the way to Sweden.
I got a big-titted pen pal
named Anika.
- I'm trying to impress her.
- Very cool.
Big ***, love those.
But you're kind of in the way,
and we got Deputy *** cornered.
You have him cornered?
Okay, that's impossible
- because he's way too good.
- You're dead, man.
I won't even log on
if the guy's playing.
Always calling me [Bleep] and stuff.
That's you, this is us.
We don't quit.
Yeah, we're not quitters.
And also, don't play
under my profile...
- Turn around, [Bleep].
- Look out, look out!
Wait...
Ders, you frickin' idiot.
You... I'm dead...
We're dead now... okay.
This is some B.S. frickin' idiot.
Frickin'... got...
Gave me all of his bad juju.
You know what?
Fug his Californiacadoes.
Yeah, sorry.
Sorry.
This is gonna get all fermented
and disgusting.
Actually, that looks pretty good.
Hopefully, Anika likes that.
Yeah, I hope Anika likes that.
You wanna play again,
or are you [Bleep]
tired of my *** in your [Bleep]?
There you go again with the word,
with the [Bleep] word.
I have to say, though,
he is hurting my feelings.
Hey, Deputy ***.
How about you take your ***
and you put it, uh...
Like some meats in there?
Meats and cheeses down the...
Down the d-hole?
And then, all...
You're in the wilderness,
and a ton of squirrels...
Uh-huh.
- Well, get to it.
- And now they're...
They're... they're munching...
Ouchie, yeah.
- Ders!
- Yo.
Hey, we need your help
with this thing real quick.
What? Oh, is he calling
you guys [Bleep] again?
- Yes, he is.
- Well, guess what, buddy?
D-***, your mom is so fat...
Oh.
How fat is she?
Sync and correction by Mlmlte
www.addic7ed.com
Dude, I don't think you understand.
The blender, it has 15 speeds, okay?
You can... you can make
a hamburger shake.
You can make a pizza shake.
- So it just exploded?
- Yeah.
On its own?
You didn't do anything to it?
That was the crazy part.
It was, like, avocados
mixed with dry ice.
It's just combustible.
It's like a scientific fact.
- Ooh!
- Hey, look.
I'm just trying to do my job here.
You don't have to call me a fa...
Oh, hold, please.
- Guys.
- What's up, Blake?
It's Deputy ***.
- It's him, it's Deputy ***.
- That's Deputy ***?
- On the phone?
- Yeah, man, I was like...
No, sir, I'm not
calling you Deputy ***.
Yeah, I was, like,
I thought it sounded familiar,
but then, once he dropped
the [Bleep] bomb,
I'm like, "it's him."
Okay, uh, you gotta, like,
keep him on the line, right?
And then, we got to,
like, trace the call.
- Yeah.
- Figure out his address, right?
Can we do that?
Uh, hey.
Thanks for holding.
Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Disguise your voice.
Uh... uh, hello.
This is the... the supervisor.
You sound like Black Grover.
You're gonna want the...
The blender that has 15...
Do you know how many speeds 15...
What does that mean?
I don't know what that means.
No, please don't hang...
Don't hang up.
I lost him.
Damn it, man, I lost him.
You guys were distracting me, man...
No, I was doing this, I don't know
- why you didn't continue...
- What does that mean?
Stretching...
Stretching it all out,
stretching the time, time stretcher.
I thought for sure you were saying,
you know, "let's get
Philly cheese steaks for lunch."
A Philly cheese steak,
like, idea for lunch
would be like...
Sure.
Ooh, got a little somethin'.
Got a little somethin'.
So you aren't hungry
for Philly cheese steaks.
Well, God... now my day really sucks.
No, no, no, no, no.
Look, client info.
Look, his address is right there.
- Oh, yeah.
- We had it the whole time.
Oh, my gosh, we know where he lives.
I say we go to this dude's house
and bring the game to him
using violence, dude.
Just...
Aah!
- Oh, real guns?
- We won't use guns,
but a lot of word bullets.
Let's go there, kick down his door,
delete his account, you know?
That way, he can't play anymore.
Munich
all to ourselves,
along with everybody else who plays.
Oh, my gosh, that would
shatter Deputy ***'s world.
- That game is, like, his life.
- Right, it's, like, sad.
We should do it
and show him what happens
when you get us
really frickin' pissed.
Totally...
Oh, dude...
And the best news of all:
It's not even that far away.
♪ Flip this linguistic *** [Bleep] ♪
- Hey!
- Whoa. Whoo!
Hey, wow.
That didn't take long.
No, it did not.
Just nine hours, boys.
Welcome to Arizona.
All right.
Who wants a breakfast beer?
I got some extremely cold ones
on dry ice back here.
Not me.
Got my java.
I'm on my ninth one right now?
So I'm going pretty good, man.
I feel like I just flew
a red-eye, but I feel good.
What the frick, dude.
The house is right here, man.
We're good, we're good...
Yeah, but park it down
the street, that's like
one of the first rules of...
Okay, everybody turn to channel nine
in case we were to get separated.
Yep, copy that.
Roger Blake's "copy that."
Okay, copy Der's
and Blake's "copy that."
Okay, well, stop copying me, dude.
- Whoo!
- I said it.
Deputy ***!
Open up, you *** ***!
Hey, hey, hey!
This ain't a game anymore!
Come on, man.
We know you're in there.
We can hear your ***-*** music.
He's being a *** ***.
All right, I got an idea.
I'm gonna go check around back.
I have an idea too, and it's...
- Check in the back, Roger.
- It's in the front.
Sorry.
Maybe if we mix dry ice
with some be... avocados...
- Okay.
- Maybe we can create another...
Wait, you can't touch it
with your bare hands.
- What are you doing?
- Oh, why is it sticking to me?
Oh, it's sticking to me.
Oh... oh!
- Oh, it's so hot!
- Hang on, hang on.
It's so hot.
Why is ice hot?
- It's supposed to be cold!
- Here, let me help you.
- Let me help you.
- No, I'm gonna break it
- on my head.
- What? No.
What are you...
Hang on.
My hot coffee, my hot coffee.
I'm gonna melt it.
I'm gonna melt it.
Ready?
- Oh. Ow.
- Hey, it worked.
The coffee's burning my eyes.
- Shoot, sorry.
- Ow, God.
Oh, my God.
Is he okay?
I was burned by ice,
and then I was burned by coffee.
It hurts.
It hurts so bad.
- Is it him?
- Am I who?
No. Stop.
What is a bundle of sticks?
Shh, stop it.
What do you consider
a bundle of sticks?
Stop it, stop...
Oh, we got cops.
We got cops.
There's a cop.
Ho, ho.
There was this whole thing, dad.
I mean, it was... it was insane.
Hey, you missed
- like this whole ordeal.
- What are you doing outside?
Come on, get inside.
The neighbors are gonna see you.
Come on, inside.
- Deputy ***, that's him.
- Dude, he's a cop?
No wonder he's so good at the game.
- Now I get it.
- It's a funny name.
I thought it was just,
like, about... well, anyway.
This is Black Ops Agent Dreble
to Black Ops Agent Uncle Blazer.
What is your location, Uncle Blazer?
No, uh, actually,
I'm going by "Chamilitary Man."
Yeah, as in Chamillionaire's
rap group.
You remember him, right?
You gotta get out of there, dude.
He's a cop.
He's there.
And there was all
this loud commotion outside.
Oh, poop...
And pee mixed together.
- So I went to go see...
- I don't care, Nate.
I just buried one of
my best friends on the force.
I'm not in the mood for your drama.
- God, dad, I'm sorry.
- Okay, just shut up.
Turn off this crap music
and put out the bourbon.
I got half the force
coming over here.
Oh, my God.
Black Ops Agent Blue Blazer.
The place is crawling with Popozaos.
Popozaos everywhere.
Over.
Guys.
I'm trapped in the closet.
You gotta get me outta here fast.
Okay, well,
plans are hard to think of,
so it might take us a minute.
{pub}Ah! Ah!
Stop, you little...
Ow, you ***!
Away from the door!
Away from the door!
Ow, ow!
Dude, I'm not here to hurt you.
I'm just here to erase
Deputy ***'s a-account, okay?
Ah...
Ah, my roots.
Delete my dad's account?
That would destroy him.
Yeah, I'm in.
- You are?
- Oh, completely.
He made me drop out of design school
because he didn't like
the "offensive photos"
on my Instagram account, but I know
it's really because
he doesn't like my lifestyle.
Your lifestyle.
Sure, sure.
Not to mention
he's constantly throwing around
that hate speech 24/7
with all his friends
on that stupid gaming system.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, the guy
likes to throw
the word around.
Well, I know where
he keeps the stupid Nintendo.
Okay, it's not a Nintendo, actually.
And Nintendos aren't stupid.
They're actually one
of the flawless machines
of our generation.
Okay, I think we need to figure out
which closet Blake's trapped in...
- Right.
- And then tunnel.
I've already started right here.
But, you know,
the more I think about it,
the more that that's a horrible plan
'cause that might take too long.
- Damn it.
- Yeah, nice.
- Change of plans.
- Nice imagination, though.
Yeah. What?
I'm a child at heart.
Hey... who is this?
It's your best friend Blake.
I don't know a Blake.
I know a Black Ops Blue Blazer.
- Is this him?
- No.
Actually, I changed my name.
You know that.
- It's Chamilitary Man.
- Chamilitary Man
is a horrible name,
so we're going by Blue Blazer.
Go ahead.
We'll accept the charges. Over.
Change of plans, all right?
I got a man-boy here on the inside
helping me with the mission, okay?
This place is crawling
with cops, guys.
I'm serious.
There's tons of 'em in here.
So I just need you
to buy me some time,
and then we'll get
this mission accomplished.
All right?
Over and out.
- That's an order.
- Okay.
And we will buy you time
with the cops,
- now over and out.
- Over and out.
Okay, over... it was
over and out when I said it.
- Can I comb your hair?
- Over and out. What?
Blake, stop encouraging him.
Okay, just let him do it.
I am letting him do it.
Over and out.
- Over and out.
- Roger that.
- That was Blake.
- I know, I know.
I got an idea.
I got an idea.
Look, we're gonna go up there.
We're gonna say
we're exterminators, right?
'Cause we look the part.
So what's, like, a local animal?
Like a... a vulture!
A vulture flew in a window
around the back of the house.
We saw it.
We're here to kill it.
- Dude, that is smart.
- Thank you.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, we're like...
We're like vulture exterminators.
- Yes, exactly.
- That's really smart.
- That's a really good idea.
- I appreciate you...
Also, I think I have a better one.
Yeah, hi.
We are Black Ops.
I am Secret Special Agent Demamp,
and this is...
The exterminator.
And we're here for the party.
So you guys knew Ramirez, huh?
- Were you at the wake, or...
- Yes.
We... we were at the wake big-time,
and we know Ramirez
from police academy.
Oh, yeah, a lot of us went there too.
- I don't recognize you guys.
- And I don't recognize you
from the Black Ops academy
that we know Ramirez from.
Yeah, I never heard of that.
Well, then I guess
we're doing our job.
It's a secret.
It's a secret sect.
It's like...
It's like skull and bones
and also other secret Illuminati.
The ya-ya sisterhood.
We carry guns instead
of traveling pants.
Yeah.
I can't believe that ***'s dead.
- What?
- ***?
You guys
really did know Ramirez.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Come on in.
- Yeah.
- Ramirez.
- What a ***.
- Total ***, man.
You forget how much
of a *** he is.
Ramirez, the old ***.
- The old ***.
- Yes.
He's definitely more of a ***
- than a ***.
- Guys, what's your status?
- So let me... let's...
- Yeah, we should take it.
It's probably...
Ugh... the chief.
Hey, yeah, come on.
Come on.
Hey.
All right, all right, all right.
- What's up, dude?
- Right on, right on, right on.
Guys, fellas, this is my dog,
Nate dog,
and, well, he's gonna help us
get to Deputy ***'s console.
I [Bleep] hate that thing.
- Yeah, okay.
- Oh, all right.
Yeah.
It's cool. It's cool.
And we understand, and we get it,
and it's cool to be
who you are as a person.
- And I've seen Milk.
- Yep.
- So...
- What are you talking about?
We just need you guys to kind of
make a little scene in here, right?
And so we can kind of sneak
into the man cave.
Hey, I'm gonna hit the head.
Grab me a beer.
Uh, um...
Shut it, shut it, shut it, shut it.
- Whoa.
- Jesus, dad.
Don't you knock or something?
What if I'd been pinching a loaf?
Damn it, Nate.
Lock the door then.
And what the hell
are you doing in here?
Just shaving my pubes
into a flame design.
Jesus, never mind.
I'll go *** in the yard.
They look good.
- Dude, that was amazing.
- Oh, my God.
How'd you just come up
with that on the fly?
Oh, no, that's something
I actually do.
Flame on, ***.
- Okay, wow.
- What?
- No.
- What are you doing?
Yeah!
You're packing heat.
- That's what that is.
- Thanks, man.
- Come here, give me some skin.
- Hell yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
- Dude, *** art is...
Is, like, back in a big way.
{pub}So I am gonna sew
these pants together,
and then we'll both be
wearing them at the same time.
- Huh?
- And then you're gonna
bend over in front of me
and hide in the clothes basket.
We'll put all the clothes
on top of you.
I bend over?
Is that a hard concept,
Mr. Cha-military man?
It's actually Chamilitary Man.
Cha... Chamillionaire.
He was, like, huge, wasn't he?
I'm sorry.
Do I look like I care?
- Really?
- Do you have a better idea?
Come on.
Let's do it.
- Now?
- Well, for a fitting.
- All right, see if it fits.
- Make sure everything's tight.
Make sure it's tight and fit, sure.
Sure, we're talking about
the pants, right?
Excuse us, gents.
- Clink, clink, clink, clink...
- Listen up in the back.
We would like to honor
Ramirez's fallen soul
with a traditional Irish cop
drinkin' song.
- Hey, how 'bout it?
- Uh, Ramirez was not Irish.
He was not Irish,
but he was a traditional guy.
Every... we used to get
the shamrock shakes
with him every year, right?
And traditionally, cops are Irish.
Let's just sing the song.
Mm-kay.
♪ LA, LA, LA, LA
♪ When Irish cops arrest ya
♪ you better run and hide
♪ but don't run from cops
♪ but if you do,
we'll beat your behind ♪
♪ but within the restrictions
of the law ♪
♪ and we will always
remember you, Ramirez ♪
♪ you had a big old [Bleep] ♪
♪ and if a girlie sucked it ♪
♪ it would probably make her sick ♪
♪ but let's always remember
that Ramirez was ♪
♪ a proud, strong warrior,
and that's it ♪
♪ who had a big old *** ♪
♪ and he's probably in heaven ♪
♪ making all the angels
suck on his [Bleep] ♪
♪ but once again, the one thing ♪
♪ to remember about the dude
♪ was that he arrested people
and he was a cop ♪
Okay, now we gotta go right.
My... my right.
No, that's... that's straight.
Where... where is it?
Okay, keep... keep...
It's straight.
- There, we're good.
- Oh, there, there, there.
There it is, okay.
Great disguise, man.
That's great.
Okay, let's get to it.
Oh, yeah.
Can I talk to you about something?
Huh?
What, right now?
Yeah, I-I just...
You know, I think
my dad hangs out in here
and plays video games all day
because he doesn't quite know
how to talk to me, you know?
Because I'm so different?
Sure, I mean, I'm different too.
I mean, not...
Not the way you're different,
- but in my own way.
- There's stuff in your hair.
Yeah, it's okay.
I got it, I'll handle it.
I got it. Yeah.
I'm kind of like... sorry.
I'm a little *** about that.
Not ***, but just...
I get upset
when people touch my hair.
- Mm.
- You know what?
Let's just get back
to sabotaging, okay?
Wait, wait, wait, no, no,
tell me how you're different.
Okay, you know what?
Let's...
I don't know if now is the time
for the discussion part, okay?
Just let me out!
Just let me out.
I don't want to fart on you
or anything, so...
I think my dad, you know,
he... he just doesn't understand me.
I'm afraid he doesn't love me.
I'm sure your dad loves you, dude.
And, hey,
he's gonna love you even more
once we delete
this gaming account, all right?
He'll have nothing to do
but hang out with you,
so come on, let's do this.
Get that out of your head, you dork.
Your dad loves you.
Thanks, Agent Chamilitary Man.
Yes, you're welcome, and I don't
really like that name anymore.
I'm not gonna use it.
Oh, I was just getting used to it.
I want something more manly.
Thinking with this getup here,
maybe commander of s.W.A.T. ***?
♪ Ramirez
Salud.
Salud.
- R.I.P.
- That was a really bad song.
- Don't do that anymore.
- Okay.
All right, listen up, everybody.
I got a 12-year-old
bottle of scotch in my man cave
I've been saving
for a special occasion.
What do you say?
Huh?
Wait a minute, there's more verses.
♪ Ramirez liked to kill bad guys ♪
♪ by hittin' them in the head
with a tire iron ♪
And if we could
just find where to turn...
What the hell's going on here?
Uh, I'm the maid.
Your... I'm your new maid.
{pub}Who's this guy?
Oh, my God.
It's a gang member!
This is the... the...
The freaking gangbanger
- that killed Ramirez...
- Oh, yeah.
He and his whole clique
of freakin' longhairs.
He probably showed up here
to watch us grieve,
you sick [Bleep].
What you might not realize
is we are Black Ops.
This was our operation.
We came here to get him.
- Yep, undercover.
- So we're gonna take this perp
to HQ, probably waterboard him,
I don't know.
- We'll take it from here.
- Yeah.
No, no, no, hold on.
You're not going anywhere.
If you're gonna torture
this cop killer,
- I'd like to see it.
- Uh, do you have a board
that we can pour some water on?
- That's one of the first steps.
- Yeah.
That's not what waterboarding is.
Well, how would you know?
Are you Black Ops?
- Am I Black Ops?
- Found a board, found a board.
So we can do it ourselves.
Right here, you freakin' idiot.
We're gonna pour some water
on that board now.
- Yeah.
- All right, yeah.
But don't get
my walkie-talkie wet, seriously.
- Oh, I'm gonna freakin'...
- Fully stocked.
Can I take
my walkie-talkie off, damn it?
You're... consider
yourself waterboarded.
- Yeah.
- Whoo, whoo.
Whoo.
Who do you work for?
Now, what the [Bleep]
is going on here?
You guys are all dressed alike.
You obviously know each other.
Ramirez died of a heart attack
in his house.
Uh, I see what you did.
You strung us along.
We are dressed alike.
I-I actually forgot about that.
We know who you are
because we play video games
with you online...
Munich...
And you call us
[bleep] All day.
We don't appreciate it.
So we're here to tell you
to your face.
Yeah, we thought
we were just gonna come here
and just frickin' stomp on a fool.
And then, it was a cop, and we...
I got to sing for you guys,
which was fun, but... yep.
And sir, we just need you to know
that your hateful,
hurtful [Bleep]-bombs
aren't just hurting us, all right?
They're hurting
your boy Nate as well.
And he's got something
he wants to say to you.
Go ahead, young man.
Dad, I hate it when
you play video games so much.
I feel like you ignore me,
and you love yelling at people
and playing games
more than you love me.
- And?
- And...
Tell 'em who you are in your heart.
- What do you mean?
- Deep up in your butt,
- who are you?
- It gets better.
- What gets better... what?
- You can tell 'em.
Tell 'em you're a little gay dude.
- What?
- What?
Oh... no, no, no, no, no.
I'm not gay.
Okay, whoa,
'cause my gaydar was going...
And let me remind you
that you flashed
- your ***-flame at us.
- But so did he.
- Does that mean he's gay?
- No, it doesn't make me...
I'm constantly showing
these guys my pubes.
I have a whole design situation
down here.
I also trim my inner thigh hairs.
And also, my *** hairs
have a certain pizzazz.
It's a hetero thing in my case.
Okay, well, I'm not gay either, no.
The whole reason
that I got into fashion
in the first place was so women
would take their clothes off
around me.
- So many ***.
- You're serious?
- I have a girlfriend.
- Yeah, she's hot.
I caught him boning in his room
the other day,
and I just watched,
just for a second.
He was really giving it to her,
like his old man, you know?
Definitely weird.
Please stop talking about that.
What is going on between you guys?
What's... what is the beef?
Nate.
I'm a cop, and I got a son
who spends all his time
on a sewing machine.
Remember when we used to play
street hockey all the time?
You were such a gifted goalie.
Okay, how 'bout this?
How about I cut back on the sewing,
you cut back on the video games,
and, you know, we could
go to a coyotes game
- like we used to?
- Come on.
Oh, my God.
- Well, look at these guys.
- My boy.
- You're welcome.
- Oh, wow.
What do we do about these [Bleep]?
Let's do something to honor Ramirez.
Let's mace 'em.
Get the little one in the mouth.
Okay.
What do you say we just play
a nice, relaxing game?
None of this shoot-'em-up
violent stuff.
Yes, exact...
'Cause that's what's making them
so mean, the violence, right?
Let's just play a nice,
civilized game of tennis.
- I love that.
- Yes.
Doubles, everyone?
Get to it.
Get to it.
- Yep, top spin, baby.
- Nice. Nice.
I like the fun hat
you put on your guy.
- Thanks, man.
- Yeah.
- Nice, nice, nice.
- Get it... smash it.
Ha-ha!
Set point, you [Bleep].
Okay. Okay.
- Wow.
- Where do you live?
Sync and correction by Mlmlte
www.addic7ed.com