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Yeah.
Okay, I'll let him know.
As soon as he gets in.
I promise.
Okay.
Where's mike?
Missing-person call?
His girlfriend's name
is Toni, right?
Is that her?
Yeah.
What a mess.
She was talking
all crazy and crying.
She said she's gonna tell
his wife what's going on.
Just makes you want to get
married and fool around,
doesn't it?
Hey, what's the
deal with Al?
I saw him downstairs,
and his face was all puffy.
He didn't tell you
what happened?
He had an accident
last night.
Oh, my god,
a car accident?
No, a bathroom accident.
He's incontinent?
Oh, I love this.
No, no, no.
He was on his way out
last night.
He stopped to take a leak,
and when he was done,
he caught his thing
in the zipper.
Ahhhh.
Ahh!
Yeah, and he bent over
really fast in pain,
and he broke his jaw
on the urinal.
[Chuckles]
Hey, come on, man.
They had to wire it shut,
and--It's not funny, bro.
Come on, tommy,
that's notfunny.
Yes, it is.
Oh, my god!
[Mumbling]
You told?
Yeah, I just told them.
Thanks a lot.
[Phone ringing]
[Mumbling]
Oh, my god.
[Mumbling]
Give me that.
Wipe your mouth.
Twenty-first precinct--Manetti.
Yeah.
You sure?
All right, thanks.
What's the matter?
It's frank.
Yeah, Toni's called the house
and hung up like 50 times.
Karen asked me
to trace the number.
Some life.
That's what you get for fooling
around with that woman.
Any guy cheats oh his wife,
sooner or later,
it's gonna come back
and bite him in the ***.
Yeah, you're the expert.
I do a lot of reading.
Do you really?
Hello.
Mrs.
Lawrence?
Yes?
Hello, I'm detective Phillips.
Detective McNEIL.
You're with the police?
No, we're with
the grocery store.
What?!
Yes we're with the police,
you called about a friend
that's missing?
Oh, yes, carol Waxman.
She lives in 4c.
I haven't seen her
for three days.
Does she live alone?
No.
[Phone ringing]
She lives with her husband.
Oh, excuse me.
I'd, uh--I'd let you in,
but I have a dog.
And she's very nervous
around black people.
Oh, really?
Who's black?
Well, isn't your friend, uh
oh, no, he's really more of a
deep-Brown, wouldn't you say?
Mike, we have to go.
Why?
It's frank.
He's in the hospital.
He had a heart attack.
We'll get back to you.
[ Music ]
? This is modern day America ?
hey, how's he doing?
He's stable.
Hey.
You guys didn't have to come
all the way down here.
What happened, frank?
Well, I was driving
into work,
and I got this searing
pain in my chest.
I couldn't breathe,
I was sweating.
It got so bad, I dropped my
poundcake and it rolled
under the front seat, and I
was reaching around trying
to get it.
Wait--since when does a slice
of poundcake roll?
Oh, did I say it
was a slice?
Driving around, having
a heart attack,
eating a whole poundcake,
what are the odds?
All right, leave him
alone, Michael.
Thanks, Jan.
Would you get me that cup
of ice chips there?
Sure.
Thanks.
You're an idiot.
You know that?
I am so angry
with you right now.
What is your problem now?
He's selfish, Jan.
He's a selfish, selfish person.
You don't care about
yourself,
but you expect us
to care about you.
You better start making
some changes, frank,
'cause I'm not gonna
sit around
and watch you kill yourself,
'cause I'm your partner,
I'm your friend,
and I love you too much
to watch you do this.
Big day.
Frank had a heart attack,
and tommy's gay.
I don't care.
I'm just saying what I feel.
Well, I'm saying what I feel.
And I feel like
you might be gay.
Let's all
just calm down.
We're a little emotional.
[Mumbling]
What?
Maybe it's a good idea.
What the hell happened
to him?
You're not gonna
believe this.
He hurt himself
taking a leak.
[All laughing]
Okay, Mr.
Harrigan.
Hey, I guess
the party's in here.
Hey, doc, these are
my friends from work.
You guys can go home now.
No, no it's fine,
you're all set to go.
I'll drop your chart off
with the nurses,
and they'll have you out
in no time.
You're gonna send him home?
He had a heart attack.
No, he didn't.
He had gas--very bad gas.
I thought you told me--
I told you what I was told.
Frank.
It felt like a heart attack.
Feel better.
So, you've known
all this time?
Well, they were--
wait a minute!
I just said I love you
because of gas?!
Oh, you son of A
tommy
come back.
We love you.
Tommy, please.
We love you.
So, when was the last time
you saw your wife, Mr.
Waxman?
I don't remember.
Did she say she was
going anywhere?
I don't remember.
[Mumbling]
What did he say?
Has she ever disappeared
like this before?
One time, just after
we got married--1946.
She took off and went to
her mother's in jersey.
Any chance she went
there again?
I doubt it.
Her mother died
Does she have a cellphone?
My wife?
She doesn't even have
her own teeth.
She's 80 years old.
If you find her,
let me know.
I'm watching the golf.
[ Music ]
Hi.
Hi.
You Jan?
Mm-hmm.
Hi.
Hi.
I'm Toni.
Oh, Toni.
Hi.
Hi.
Michael's not here
right now.
Yeah, I know.
They told me downstairs.
I was gonna leave a note
for him on his desk.
I was just afraid
he might miss it.
Oh, you could give
me a message.
I spend every day with him
--I'll pass it along.
Okay.
Tell him I'm going to his house
now to confront his wife
and tell her the truth.
All right.
Anything else?
I'm going right now.
Toni, I know it's none
of my business,
but do you really think
that's gonna help?
Do you really think this is
gonna accomplish anything?
You know, you're right.
Yeah.
It's none of your business.
Give him the message.
I haven't seen her
for a couple of days.
The last time I saw him was
when he brought the boxes down.
What boxes?
They were, like,
eight or nine small boxes,
and one really big box.
He gave me ten bucks
to get rid of the small boxes.
Then he rented a van, and me
and a couple guys loaded
in the big box,
and he took it away.
What was in
the small boxes?
I didn't look.
I threw it in
the incinerator.
Was there a name
on the side of the van?
Uh, "American van loaders.
"
There's one a couple blocks
from here.
[Phone ringing]
If we need anything else,
we'll check with you.
Yeah?
You got trouble, sport.
Your girlfriend
was just here.
She was there?
Mm-hmm.
And she says she's going
to your house
to tell your wife
everything,
And she's going now.
Ahh!
A bomb scare at our house?
This is a guy I put away
a couple years ago.
He got back on the street,
and word is,
he's coming after me.
How do you know?
I have information.
The bomb squad is on their way
over right now.
I'm sure it's nothing to be
afraid of,
but just grab the kids
and get out of there.
Where am I supposed to go?
Go to your mother's house.
I'll call when
the coast is clear.
Okay.
All right, bye.
Think she bought it?
Well, I know your wife.
She's not stupid,
so I would have to say, no.
Hey.
Look, tommy, I feel bad.
You really put yourself out
on a limb in the hospital,
saying what you did.
You're right--
I am selfish.
I don't care about myself.
I got food issues,
self-Worth issues.
I'm a mess.
But what you said
well, if you feel
that way about me,
maybe I can feel that
way about me, too.
You're never gonna change.
I am, I swear.
When I was in the hospital,
they had a nutritionist.
They put together a diet
for me,
and I'm going
to stick with it.
No, you won't.
I know you, frank.
You can't go
more than two days
without eating a cake,
or a pie, or some landmass.
Five-thousand bucks says
I can go two days.
Just put the money
in my hand right now.
You're weak, frank.
Nah, nah.
This is a new frank.
I believe in me.
I'm strong.
Five-thousand bucks?
That's right.
You're on.
And it's not like
I don't believe you,
but I'm going out right now
and spend every cent of it.
Hey, just so we're straight.
The two days started
this morning, right?
You're pathetic.
Oh, and one more thing--
the next time you feel like
you're having a heart attack,
do us all a favor--fart.
You know what the big problem
is of fooling around?
You mean, like, when your
girlfriend comes over
and talks to your wife?
Okay, so there's
two problems.
What's the other one?
Well, it's just
the lying, man.
It's the sheer volume
of lying.
I mean, husbands
lie to their wives.
We all do that.
That's an American tradition.
Throw the girlfriend
into the mix, man,
it's like an Olympic event--
lies here, lies there.
You gotta be a detail
freak to keep track.
Wait a minute.
First of all,
everybody does not lie.
I never lie to my wife.
Okay.
I never lie to you,
either.
Mm-Hmm.
So, everything's
fine at home?
Yeah.
Right.
What are you gettin' at?
You're lying to me
right now, man.
You're wearing the same clothes
you had on yesterday.
There's no way Adina
lets you out wearing
the same clothes
two days in a row, okay?
Okay, gentlemen.
Sorry for the wait.
I checked the log,
and yes, indeedy,
Mr.
Waxman's name is here.
And I know because I was on duty
that day,
and golly gosh,
did he give me trouble.
Golly gosh,
what did he say?
He said he only needed the van
for two or three hours,
but I had to charge
the half-day rate.
Is the van here?
You bet.
I'll get the keys.
Okay.
Clump of dirt.
Flat on one side where it
came off the shovel.
Well, I know two things.
One, it doesn't look good
for Mrs.
Waxman, and two,
you didn't go home
last night, did you?
Oh.
Mr.
Waxman,
you rented a van
from American van loaders
on the 15th.
So?
So, the doorman downstairs,
he says that he helped
you load a really big
box in the van.
What was inside the box?
Towels.
[Mumbles]
What?
Towels?
You got a problem
with towels?
Only if the towels
were your wife.
O.
J.
Didn't talk,
I'm not talking.
What does that mean?
It means that--
hello, dad?
What?
Excuse me.
Dad, don't say anything.
Here's my legal eagle.
I want my pudding--roger.
It was towels.
You don't scare me.
Okay, dad,
go to the kitchen.
That's where I'm going.
Hi.
Roger Waxman.
Hello.
Careful--a little skiing
accident last weekend.
Mr.
Waxman, we're trying
to find your mother.
Well, I appreciate that.
I'm a partner at shrek,
Waxman, Davis, and Cline.
From this point on,
don't talk to my father.
You talk to me, okay?
Waxman's company
is over in queens.
You think he dumped
her there?
[Phone ringing]
I don't know.
We could give it a shot.
Yeah?
It's me.
How you doing?
Not so good.
I went to your house yesterday,
but nobody was home.
Look, honey.
Honey!
Do you call your
wife honey, too?
I'll ask her that when
I see her later today.
Toni.
Bye.
Toni?
Ahh.
What's up?
She's going to my house.
Is your wife there?
She's still at her mother's,
but she keeps calling me.
I gotta come up with something
besides this bomb scare.
It's not working.
I don't know--radon?
Sure you haven't
tried that yet?
I don't know.
Let me think.
No.
This rain's gonna wash
away any evidence.
You were right,
you know.
About what?
My clothes yesterday--
--I didn't go home.
I lied.
I knew it.
What's up?
This woman from my past.
She sent me a note
with her phone number,
and somehow,
Adina found it.
Now she's freezing me out.
I'm completely innocent,
but she says I'm guilty
'cause I never told her
about this woman.
Who is she?
Sylvia.
I knew her when I was
a kid--really hot.
I always wondered what it
would be like to be with her,
you know, sex-wise.
She wanted to, but I guess
I was too much of a gentleman.
How old were you?
Oh, 17.
Seventeen, man.
At 17, you hump anything,
you know--furniture,
pillows, wood paneling.
That's the way it's
supposed to be.
Seventeen--those were the days,
brother.
Where were you?
You know what really
gets me?
I didn't do anything.
She's accusing me
of doing something.
Ohman, it makes me mad!
Yeah, because you're getting
squat at both ends.
When they accuse me
of doing something,
nine times out of ten,
I've been doing it,
and I've been doing it
for a really long time.
Hey, frank, what
you got there?
Half a chicken breast
and some green beans.
Well, that's a good,
healthy meal.
Yeah.
God, count your fingers, frank.
You might be missing a few.
I'm done.
How can I be done?!
I can't live like this!
I need food.
Where's the food?
Well, there's a bean
on the floor, if that helps.
That's not a bean.
It's a piece of lint.
I tried to eat it yesterday.
Oh, my god.
A sandwich
--Anything!
[ Music ]
Tire tracks.
Bingo.
Ah.
I'll call
the crime-scene guys.
Yeah.
[Sirens]
You okay, here?
Yeah, why?
I gotta go home, man.
I got a busted water pipe.
I gotta take care of it.
All right.
All right,
I'll see you.
All right.
Hey, let me give you
a little piece of advice.
That thing you talked about
before, the Sylvia thing--
don't get involved with her.
Who says
I'm getting involved?
Look, I know what you're
going through.
I've been through it myself.
Your old lady's giving you
a hard time, and, you know,
you're starting to think
of other options.
No, I'm not.
All right, look, if I had
everything to do over again--
and I'm such an idiot,
I'd probably do it the same way
with Toni and everything,
but I would hope I wouldn't.
So, just take my advice.
Don't be that guy.
Look who you're talking
to here, huh?
I'm not that guy, okay?
All right.
Okay, tomorrow.
See you.
By the way,
tell Sylvia I said hello.
[Phone ringing]
Yeah?
Hi, it's me.
Um, I'm home.
My mother was
driving me crazy, Mike.
I left the kids there, and I
just needed a little break.
So, I'm gonna do a couple
loads of laundry,
and have a couple
glasses of wine.
What about the whole bomb
thing I told you?
You told me the bomb squad
was coming yesterday.
I assume they checked
everything out and it's fine.
No, no, no.
It was inconclusive.
They gotta do
another sweep.
What?
They brought the wrong dog.
They brought the
drug-Sniffing dog
instead of
the bomb-sniffing dog.
Mike, this is all beginning to
sound just a little crazy, okay?
[Knocking]
There's someone at the door.
Who?
I gotta go.
What?
Bye.
Wait.
Wait.
Ahh!
[ Music ]
? I see trees of green ?
? red roses, too ?
? I see them bloom ?
? for me and you
and I say to myself ?
? "what a wonderful world" ?
? I see skies of blue
and clouds of white ?
? the bright, sunny days
the dark, sacred nights ?
? and I think to myself
"what a wonderful world" ?
? the colors of the rainbow
are so pretty in the skies ?
? are also on the faces
of people walking by ?
? I see friends shaking hands
saying, "how do you do?" ?
? They're really saying
"I love you" ?
? I see babies cry ?
? while I watch them grow ?
? they'll learn much more than
I'll ever know ?
? and I think to myself
"what a wonderful world" ?
? yes, I think to myself
"what a wonderful world" ?
? wo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-rld ?
? wo-o-o-o-o-o-rld ?
? and I say to myself ?
? "what a wonderful world" ?
? wo-o-o-o-o-o-o-rld ?
hello?
[Phone ringing]
Hello?
I saw your wife.
But she didn't see me.
What?
When I got to your house,
I heard talking,
so I looked in a side window.
And I decided not to bother
your wife 'cause she was busy.
What are you talking about?
I saw her, mike
Kissing another man.
So, your wife's
got somebody.
Why don't you come
to my place where you belong?
I'll talk to you about
this tomorrow.
I love you, mike.
[Sighs]
Hi.
Hi.
Who was that?
The person that's been calling
and hanging up.
I thought you were gonna
have that traced.
Working on it.
So, uh, what'd
you do tonight?
Laundry, wine--more wine
than laundry, actually.
Anybody, uhdrop by?
No.
Nobody.
Are you coming to bed?
I'll be up in a little bit.
Okay.
[ Music ]
[ Music ]
Hey, I'm eatin' here!