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(Laughing)
ANNOUNCER: Comedy Now! Uncensored.
Starring Andrew Evans.
♪
Please welcome Andrew Evans.
(Applause)
Thanks very much, everybody.
I'm originally from Dartmouth, Nova Scotia,
and I moved to Toronto about 10 years ago to chase a dream
of doing stand-up comedy.
And it's going well enough now
that I have my own special on the Comedy Network.
(Cheering)
That I will have to watch at a friend's house
because I can't afford cable.
It's true, everybody thinks you know,
if you're on TV or whatever you've got money.
I've actually had to go to the food bank.
I got to be the only person ever in the history of Nova Scotia
to be from Nova Scotia, move to Toronto
and end up at the food bank for the first time in my life.
And when I do have money I make sure
that I donate money now too so, or food as well.
So something else everybody needs to donate,
not just food, is plastic bags, right?
That'll save people some dignity, right?
Because everybody knows where you've been
because the plastic bags from the food bank don't match.
You know when you get your groceries at Loblaws
they all say Loblaws on them.
My roommate knew where I was and he said,
"I would've given you some bucks."
I said, how'd you know?
He goes, "Well I've never seen you buy dented cans
and lentil soup or no-name mac 'n' cheese at La Senza."
Get my bread at Radio Shack too.
Even when I have money
going back to some of those habits.
Like I'm at the grocery store and I rip the stems
out of green peppers
because you've got to pay for those by the pound.
And then I get a lottery ticket and take a taxi home.
That doesn't make a whole lot of sense.
So when I first moved here I had to take a day job.
So what I did was I worked at a call centre.
And I didn't work on the phones at the call centre.
What I did was I hired the high school and university age kids
to work in the call centre.
So my job for 4 years was to take a look
at this great country's future
one résumé page at a time.
And let me tell you something: it's not bright.
Microsoft Word is teaching the youth
in this country how to spell.
"Before I was promoted to store manger...
"I worked for 4 years as a costumer service reprehensive.
"If you like my résumé,
"feel free to contract me anytime at home
"on my cell or you can drop me a line
at babyshakingwifebeater @hotmail.com."
Smokeweedandblowme69@yahoo.ca.
Now they're listing their interests on their résumé.
Sixteen year old kids listing their interests on their résumé
at the bottom, right?
"I like to play Nintendo Wii,
hang with my friends and meet new people."
Well, I didn't think you were qualified at first.
You like meeting new people, do you?
Apply for a job at a maternity ward.
Those people are brand-new
and they're looking for some mangers.
I got a résumé, I swear to God too said,
"I got a volunteer job in my high school
helping out the Liberian."
Isn't that nice to single out a whole race of people
on your résumé like that.
And unless you're smuggling diamonds out of Sierra Leone,
I think you meant librarian.
I got another one.
I got another one that said,
"I used to work at a record company
"and among my many duties was to scout for new talent
in the areas of spoken word, instrumental and raping."
What do you look for in a *** at a record company exactly?
A lot of dark clothes,
knowledge of dimly lit areas on campus, I guess.
And it was a bilingual call centre,
so I would hire Quebeckers as well.
And anytime we would get somebody who was a Francophone,
they weren't submitting résumés,
they submitted CVs.
CV is short for curriculum vitae,
and it's Latin and it means life course.
And that was the first time that I was really confused
by the French culture in this country,
because they actually have something called
the Office de la langue francaise, right?
The language police because they're so worried
about protecting and preserving their culture and their language
that they actually have a law
that the English on a store sign
has to be smaller than the French.
But when it comes to describing the last 35 years
worth of work history,
instead of using the perfectly good French word "résumé"...
they're using the Latin.
Are the Anglos using résumé?
They are? *** 'em.
We'll use Latin, the original French.
I actually did that joke at McMaster University,
and a girl came up to me after the show and she said,
"Andrew I thought you were very funny,
"but I have to let you know something.
"I'm a French major here at McMaster,
and there is no French word for résumé."
So don't go to McMaster this is what I--
Blockbuster's gone out of business,
completely out of business.
And that's amazing to me 'cause I was in there 3 times
last week alone getting ideas on what to download, so--
I was in there-- I was in there with a friend of mine,
this movie, this movie freak nerd.
Keeps track of all the mistakes they make in movies, right?
He's like, "Andrew, did you see Titanic?
(Laughing)
"They actually had Pacific dolphins
swimming in the Atlantic ocean."
(Laughing)
"Andrew, did you see Spiderman 3?
"That movie cost $350 million to make
"and they still had 63 continuity errors.
(Laughing)
"Can you believe it that they would have that many errors?
(Laughing)
"Don't you think if you have a budget of $350 million
you can eliminate some of those errors?"
Yes, I do.
I think money goes a long way to solve problems.
You don't even need that much of it.
For instance if your parents invested a buck in a ***...
I wouldn't have to call you my best friend.
And I know I look a little bit about the Dr. House guy.
Finally look like a celebrity,
and he's a guy who's 20 years older than me, right?
But I know why I look 20 years older than I am.
And it's because I hate everything.
And that takes a toll on your system after awhile.
Like last night I was trying to get a great night's sleep
to bring to you guys the best show I possibly can,
and I couldn't get to sleep.
Why?
Because I couldn't stop hating salt and pepper shakers.
They're not salt and pepper shakers.
They're salt and pepper holders.
I'm the shaker.
My dad spent 35 years in the military.
And I think that's why I have a bit of a chip on my shoulder.
I have a bit of a problem with authority.
I think that's why I got into comedy.
And authority is everywhere.
It's not just your parents, it's not just police and military,
it's anybody who's every told you what to do.
And there's a great example in the Toronto subways.
There's signs that actually say,
"Please don't feed the pigeons or the other birds."
Couldn't that sign just read, "Don't feed the birds?"
Pigeons jockeying for position.
Like people confused as to what a pigeon is.
So everybody wants to be more important than they are.
And, you know, I used to date a guidance counsellor
who used to say things to me like,
"What's your plan of action?"
I don't know, you mean my plan?
Is there a plan of inaction I could be taking?
What's with all the extra words, right?
And the way the military does it,
is they turn everything into initials.
It doesn't have to be, but it is.
DND, Department of National Defence,
MRE, meals ready to eat, MP, military police.
Everything's in initials and I realized how full of ***
that system was when I was 12 years old
and I heard my dad ordering
from the Sears catalogue on the phone.
"Where do you live, sir?" "PMQs."
"What's your rank?" "C1."
"Where do you work?" "HMCS Iroquois."
"What's your postal code?" "Bravo, 2, golf, 2, Victor, 7."
These people are so full of ***
everything's in initials except initials.
Man, it's confusing for a Maritimer to be in Toronto.
I saw things for the first time I had never seen before
in my entire life when I first moved here, like money, right?
But there's so much money
it's making people stupid.
I saw people driving around Hummer limousine vehicle thing.
I went, what the hell is that for?
You navigating land mine fields
in ball gowns on the way to the Raptors game, right?
Then I met this guy.
He spent $5,000 so he could go hunt ducks.
$5,000
to hunt "quack, quack" ducks.
Camouflage clothing, duck blinds, decoys, ammunition,
shotgun, license,
little dog to go get the ducks
after he shoots them out of the sky.
Oi man, I'm from Nova Scotia.
We hunt ducks there too,
but we just go to the park.
With a loaf of bread and a hammer.
Here ducky, ducky, ducky, ducky!
Get the bread.
(Thumping)
Are you *** me?
You're a 40-year-old man hiding from a duck?
A duck will sit in your lap
until you run out of bread, stupid,
then it starts hunting you.
All that you need to outsmart a duck is a park bench.
My mom didn't want me to be a comedian.
She wanted me to be Catholic.
And so we compromised and I don't wear condoms.
You have to wear condoms. I wear condoms.
But I'm getting older and so it's tougher.
Like I have to plan to wear a *** now.
You know, I got to plan to wear a ***
like I'm planning to rob a bank.
You know, because as soon as that hood
goes down over the head,
I've got like 90 seconds to break in,
find the vault, figure out the combination
before *** goes down, you know?
But she did. She wanted me to be Catholic.
And I wanted to be. I wanted to be.
I tried, I tried, I really did.
I so wanted because everybody was
and I just didn't want to be different.
I wanted to join some group.
And I couldn't do it.
It was because every lesson my mom taught me
didn't make any sense to me.
She said, "You know, Andrew, Pope Gregory the Great
"was the pope that declared pride
to be the deadliest of all sins."
Pope Gregory the Great?
Declared pride to be the deadliest of all sins.
Not Pope Gregory the Pretty Good, I'll Give It A Shot?
And our current pope, Benedict,
actually said from the Vatican balcony,
to his one billion Catholic followers worldwide,
to be a good Catholic, to find the way to God
is to shun positions of power, wealth and prestige.
The pope said
from the balcony of his palace,
in his own city,
to a billion followers.
But Christians are becoming more progressive.
I saw a biography on Jesus not long ago.
And they were interviewing a theologian.
And the theologian said, "It's time we do away with this idea
"that Jesus had blonde hair and blue eyes.
"He was a Jew from the Middle East
"And how many Jews from the Middle East
do you ever see with blonde hair and blue eyes?"
Like that's a good point.
I've never seen a Jew from the middle East
with blonde hair and blue eyes.
I've also never seen a Jew from the Middle East
that could walk on water and raise the dead!
If he could turn water into wine,
he probably turned it into peroxide
and some coloured contact lenses too.
What do you think?
Tried to open up a bank account recently.
I'm like, I got this gig. I'm going to need a bank account.
Don't do that. Keep your money in your mattress.
I went there and I said,
I would like to open up a bank account please.
So I gave her a $1,000 on the counter.
She said, "Certainly Mr. Evans,
we we will open you up a bank account."
I go to leave, I've got my hand on the door of the bank.
I haven't left yet.
I'm about to leave and I realize,
oh my God, rent is tomorrow.
I need 750 of that back.
(Laughing)
So I went back to the same teller.
She's not even serving anybody else yet.
The cash is still on the counter and I said,
"I'm sorry, but I have rent tomorrow
and I need 750 of my money back please."
She said to me, "I'm sorry, sir,
"but there's a 5 day waiting period
for new bank customers."
That's my money still on the counter.
You haven't even put it away yet.
"I've entered it into the computer, sir.
"And it's our policy,
"We have a 5 day waiting period
for any new bank customers."
But that's my rent money.
If you don't give me my rent money,
I'm not going to have a place to stay.
I'm going to have to sleep in the ATM.
Did you ever somebody sleeping in the ATM room?
They're not homeless. They're new bank customers.
(Laughing)
So I was so upset-- This is a completely true story.
--that I said, "I don't like the service here.
I'm closing my account."
She wouldn't give me my $750 back,
but she gave me the whole $1,000 and said,
"I'm sorry, sir, that you didn't like the service here."
And so I put 750 in my pocket, I gave her 250 back and said,
"I'd like to open up a new account please."
How's everybody's self-esteem? Is it good?
(Cheering)
Oprah remembering your spirit.
We're so worried in this country and in the United States
about building people's self-esteem
that we're now doing it falsely, you know?
We're banning using red ink when marking papers in schools,
because it makes the children feel bad.
We're taking rules out of Little League sports.
Hit a foul ball, run to third, it doesn't matter anymore.
Final score, 0-0. Everybody's exactly the same!
Yeah.
And then 15 years later that guy looks for a job at a call centre
wondering where it went wrong.
I'll tell you where it went wrong.
You had *** parents who told you
you could be anything you want to
if you just put your mind to it.
You can't. You're *** retarded. There's limitations.
All building false esteem leads to is fat girls in belly shirts
and tone-deaf idiots lined up around the block
for American Idol auditions.
Did you ever see one of these gorgeous
blonde hair, 18-year-old blue-eyed,
big-titted girls, can't sing a note
and Simon Cowell's the first person
to tell her she can't sing?
"You can't sing."
"Yes, I can! I know I can sing!
"I'm going to show you, I can sing.
Everybody tells me I can sing, everybody".
Yeah, because everybody at karaoke
is trying to *** you.
Actually I came to the Canadian Idol auditions a few years ago
And I was watching people go through the line-up.
And I saw a fat girl in hip huggers and a belly shirt
putting lipstick on outside the side view mirror of a car.
And so she's in the hip huggers and the belly shirt,
and to see herself she had to bend over.
And if you've never seen a big girl in hip huggers
and a belly shirt bent over before,
what that does is that forces the gut out
like sausage through the casing.
And so the fat gets stuck between the pants and the belt.
And it starts coming out the holes...
like some kind of Play-Doh spaghetti, Fun Factory mishap.
Maybe you're one of the lucky ones that gets to be behind her
and you get to see the thong peek up.
Looks more like God's slingshot.
And all I could think watching this is, you know what?
you wouldn't have to dye your hair
three different shades of red
and wear lipstick to distract everybody
if you just wore a whole shirt.
And I'm not suggesting anybody
feel bad about their body either.
I'm a skinny man, hairy shoulders,
beer gut, my hair's falling out.
I'll *** with the lights on. I'm not ashamed of mine.
Don't be ashamed of yours.
But I'm also not wearing a tank top
to the Dairy Queen
because I have respect for people with working eye balls.
Why do I need to ruin your day
getting the Blizzard of the Month
because I'm having an "I feel sexy" day?
And I make sure my shirt's long enough too, you know,
because I'm a tall guy,
and people are always asking me to reach for things.
The equivalent of a fat girl in hip huggers and a belly shirt
bending over on the male side is, this.
Oh I'll get that for you.
The Shredded Wheat? The Shredded Wheat?
Is that what it was that you wanted, the Shredded Wheat?
So as I said, my old man spent 35 years in the military.
The last time I saw him in uniform actually
was at Rideau Hall getting a medal from the Governor General
called the Member of Military Merit Award.
I was very proud of him.
He was part of Operation Apollo in the Persian Gulf in 2002.
That was one of our contributions
to the War on Terror.
And I don't care how you feel about it, if you're for it,
if you're against it, if you're indifferent to it,
we need to support the men and women
putting their lives on the line every single day
for our way of life here.
(Cheering)
'Cause they're not all, you know,
defending America's economic interest in the Middle East.
Some of them are there because of a high school education
and a pregnant girlfriend like my dad.
Uh-huh.
That's a GED.
But he was telling me that we were dropping
million-dollar weapons
from billion-dollar planes
to catch four malnourished Al-Qaeda,
running around the desert in pyjamas
with playground chalk and popsicle sticks.
Do you really need to go to that kind of trouble?
I don't think so. You know what you need.
A loaf of bread and a hammer.
Thanks you very much, everybody.
Have a great night.
♪
Ladies and gentlemen, Andrew Evans.
♪
(Laughing)