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(tone sounding)
(static crackling)
>> RUSSELL BRAND: All right,
there.
This is, uh, Russell Brand.
We're doing Brand X in London.
This is a country steeped in all
sorts of history, as you know,
and, like, look at this room
now-- English people.
(audience cheers, applauds)
>> BRAND: Enthusiasm.
Nothing on teleprompter.
So, um... it's, uh...
Thank you, thank you.
For an English audience, that's
devastating enthusiasm.
I won't mind betting that
there's been several orgasms
scattered around this auditorium
in this-- on that basis.
Now, the show is not live due to
technical problems, but there is
no time to edit what happens.
Uh, just to demonstrate that,
I'm going to feed Her Majesty,
the Queen of England, small, uh,
chocolate penises.
Well, it's obviously-- that-that
couldn't ever-- you'd edit that
out of a show.
If you had the opportunity, why
would you include a moment where
the Queen of England...
is fed little chocolate penises.
Just, "Come on, ma'am!"
That's right, do it for Britain.
There you go.
So, uh, that's definitely real.
Uh, if you want to tweet,
actually, you can't, unless
you're actually in this room,
because as I said to you,
uh, this all happened, like,
a little while ago, in the past.
It's, uh-- but if you are in
this room and you want to tweet,
actually it's, uh, #BrandX.
The correct name for that is,
uh, an octothorp.
That's the actual word for...
that's the word-- it's never--
it's missed its opportunity to
enter language.
Uh, if you want to tweet us, you
can, but, as you're here, you
could just, you know, say
something, or, uh...
(laughter)
...touch me, or, like, pass me
a note.
Let's have another look at the
woman who, moments ago-- don't
eat more chocolate penises!
She's eating more of them.
She's devouring them.
I've never seen such a ***
thirst.
She doesn't even have to do it.
At the time, she, "Ooh, I-I
couldn't possibly!
I'm a little reluctant!"
Lookit, she's scoffing them
down now.
I think we all learned a
powerful lesson about female...
female sexuality just there.
Uh... (clears throat)
Sorry about that, love.
Are you all right?
>> WOMAN: It's fine.
>> BRAND: "Don't worry about it,
it's fine."
She's all sort of flustered and
British.
Okay, now this is the bit of the
program where I do the news.
It's the beginning of the
program.
Uh, news is stories, what's
happening on this planet that we
live in, where we get a version
of events that's in accordance
with the will of people in
power, and then we just sort of
get into it and believe it like,
uh, slaves.
Not even like slaves, like
Django, that might do a
revolution.
More like Sam Jackson, the
slaves that sort of quite like
it.
So here, now, is, uh, the main
bit of news is this: there's,
uh...
Right, then, shut up!
You're in a ... TV audience,
shut the ... !
You're that far from my face.
(laughter)
It's like you've got a finger in
my ***.
(laughter)
What are you saying that's...
share it with the rest of the
class.
Share with the rest of the
class.
Uh... nothing.
It's actually good for American
viewers to see you, because you
do look like Mary, Queen of
Scots, or something.
(laughter, applause)
We have filled the audience with
people that are like Jack the
Ripper victims.
After the first time, you think,
"Jack, you were doing some good
work out there."
"That was ages ago!"
"Hey, I think that's a bit out
of order, what you said about
Jack the Ripper."
Killing brasses centuries ago.
(American accent): Brasses:
Prostitutes. Hookers.
Sex workers.
(laughter)
There is a new pope has
happened.
(cheering, whistling)
And in a shocking decision, it's
a little, frail old man.
(laughter)
"Who's pope? Who's pope?"
"Yeah, we went for a little,
frail old man."
"Oh, wow! What a surprise!
I thought it was gonna be, like,
the housekeeper out of Tom and
Jerry, or Sonic the Hedgehog, or
Macaulay Culkin or something.
But you blew my mind by making
it a little, frail old man who's
more or less the same as that
other little, frail old man.
Wow, my mind's being blown."
Like, what's the point in going
for-- like, they could have
switched him in, I wouldn't
even have noticed.
(laughter)
Didn't even need to go through
all of the hullaballoo.
How are you ever gonna win any
money gambling, like, on a
pope?
"All right, I'd like to
put a bet on who's gonna be the
next pope.
Okay, I'll try to guess who
it'll be.
Uh, 100 quid on a little, frail
old man, please."
(laughter)
That's a 100% certainty it will
be a little, frail old man.
If you are made pope, can you
sort of go, like,
Yes! I'm pope!"
Like it's X Factor.
"Yes! Yes!
God likes me better than anybody
else."
And, like, if you're one of them
ones who is nearly pope, but
not, do you have to go...
do you have to sort of go, uh,
"Nice one, mate.
You'll be... you'll be a really
good pope."
Just got to swallow it, ain't
you?
Here's some news now designed to
make us think people from other
countries are different from us
and that we have irreconcilable
differences.
People of Iran, uh, they want to
sue Hollywood for the film Argo.
That's some news that I read.
Where is that?
It's written down on a piece of
paper, yeah.
"Iran is suing Hollywood over
Argo for unrealistic
portrayal."
Well, I've seen Argo, and it,
I think it's quite good.
Like, realistic portrayal of
Iran... but I ain't never been
to Iran.
My impressions of Iran are
entirely formed from prejudicial
constructions of Iran in film.
So that's probably what they're
fed up about, isn't it?
They're also fed up about that
film 300.
And what's the other one that's
really stupid?
The Wrestler.
"Oi, that makes us look real bad
in Iran."
No, it don't, it just makes,
like, Mickey Rourke look like a
bizarre conglomeration of
several living entities and some
dead ones.
I like Mickey Rourke!
I like Mickey Rourke!
He's an actual person.
The other bit of Iran news
designed to make us, uh, a bit
scared of the people of Iran
is that Ahmadinejad-- did I say
it right?
Ahmadinejad?
>> MAN: Yes.
>> WOMAN: Ahmadinejad. Iranian.
>> BRAND: You're Iranian, are
you?
Oh, well done, sitting in your
seat and not, like, protesting
and setting fire to things.
No, 'cause that's what the Iran
people do, isn't it?
They're, like, having a protest
and that...
What's your name, mate?
>> WOMAN: Roya.
>> BRAND: Huh?
>> ROYA: Roya.
>> BRAND: You're called Roya?
>> ROYA: Yeah.
>> BRAND: How do I say the prime
minister of Iran's name?
>> ROYA: Ahmadinejad.
>> BRAND: Ahmadinejad.
>> ROYA: There's no "kuh."
>> BRAND: I like that. It helps.
Because, like, a Scottish person
has forgot his dinner jacket.
(Scottish accent): "Ach!
My dinner jacket!"
(laughter, applause)
Ahmadinejad.
That's how I'll remember it.
They're fed up, apparently, in
Iran, 'cause Ahmadinejad, uh,
he cuddled Chavez's mother at
the funeral for Chavez.
Have you seen that story?
Apparently, the Iranians are
right cheesed off.
(American accent): Pissed off.
Uh, angry, agitated about it.
Uh, but, like, uh...
I bet they're not.
'Cause I seen that picture of
Ahmadinejad-- beast in it, now--
I've seen that picture of
Ahmadinejad cuddling Chavez's
mother, and it's, like, really
humane and nice.
He's not doing anything weird
to her.
He's not like, "Ah, ooh, hello."
Like, and I bet they're not
actually, in Iran, I bet they're
not agitated, either.
I bet that there's no hullabaloo
or fuss.
What I think happened-- 'cause I
know this happens to me,
sometimes-- what happens is, is
I'll just make some stupid joke,
say, I'll mention cancer in an
inappropriate way, then the
media will contact a cancer
charity and go, "He said a thing
about cancer, is that good?"
And they'll go, "Well, obviously
not."
And then they'll go, "There's a
storm!
There's a cancer storm!"
But they create the cancer
storm.
I'll bet they're not even that
bothered in Iran about that
thing.
But then, you know, as we
pointed out with-- what's your
name again-- Ra-ha?
>> AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Roya.
>> BRAND: Roya.
All right; sorry.
I only heard it ten seconds ago.
We didn't have sex.
I'm not obliged to remember your
name.
There's no contract here, Roya.
But you are a bloody good
elocution teacher.
>> ROYA: Thank you.
>> BRAND: I'll say that for you.
It's like, uh, the people of
Iran, they will be subject to
some suspicion as long as they
have religious and social
practices that seem bizarre,
e.g., that, yeah, setting fire
to things, throwing shoes at
things, going... (ululating)
when things have died.
They need to adopt religious
practices like ours.
The way a proper religion is run
is when the head of it dies, you
get a bunch of old pedophiles to
hang out and watch for some
smoke to come out the chimney
to elect your
(high-pitched): new king!
That's how to run a religion and
bring about world peace.
Okay, we're gonna have what I
like to refer to as a commercial
break now, where some little
films will be shown about
products that you don't need and
once you've got 'em, you won't
feel any better and they cost
more than your house to make.
After the break, Jon Ronson's
gonna come out here and talk to
us about psychopaths-- I'm
interested.
While the break happens, let's
have a look at a dog that fits
perfectly into a guitar case and
think about how lucky we are to
be alive.
Cheers. See you after these
messages.
>> BRAND: Thanks.
Oh, thank you. You're clapping.
You're clapping.
You're clapping because the
program's on again.
The program, this is the
program.
Now it's on again.
Uh, you know, Noel Gallagher was
on the program last week.
He was nice, wasn't he?
Yeah, thank you.
Yeah, he was great.
Thanks, yeah, cheers.
Uh, like... he's my actual
friend in real life, and so,
like, you can see in the piece
of footage that I'm about to
show you how beloved and
cherished and treasured I am in
the Gallagher household.
Have a look at this footage that
(reverberating): I was able to
film on my, uh...
Did something weird just happen
then?
Is that the start of an
aneurysm?
♪ Bah... ♪
'Cause it sounds like the inside
of my mind is... blending with
the mind of some sort of
super-conscious being.
(warbling)
Ah, today's the day!
(ripping)
(high-pitched singing)
I'm ready, Lord!
Oh, God!
Oh, good old life.
Soon we'll have a spiritual
revolution.
We won't have to do television
programs.
But today we're doing one, and
here is this thing where I went
round to Noel Gallagher's
house.
All right, check this out.
Them kids of his... I meant it
lightly... Shut up.
I can hear you so loudly.
It's like...
Oh, it's Jon Ronson.
Sorry. (laughs)
That's the way I like to warm my
guests up is by casually
haranguing them as they kindly
agree to come on the show.
So, have a look at this thing
where I'm round Noel Gallagher's
house, and he's... coldly and
callously, uh, hurts my
feelings.
You know I'm sensitive.
Have a look at this.
>> BOY: It's Russell Brand!
>> BRAND: Go on, Sonny.
You, too, darling.
(Sonny shouting)
(Noel speaking indistinctly)
>> BOY: I hate Russell Brand!
>> NOEL: We didn't practice
that.
(Brand laughs)
>> BRAND: There you go.
(applause, whistling)
Hey, we've got a really good
guest on our program now!
It's a man who knows more stuff
about stuff that we're
interested in!
It's Jon Ronson!
(applause, cheering, whistling)
Hello. I read your book.
I think about you all the time.
>> JON: Oh, good! I think about
you all the time.
>> BRAND: Thank you for coming
on to the program to be, uh,
interviewed.
>> JON: Thank you for having me,
Russell.
>> BRAND: Let's promote this
book.
(cheers and applause)
I've read... I've actually read
it, and I really...
>> JON: Really? When you went
through the psychopath
checklist, were you concerned
about your own potential
psychopathy?
It's been on my mind.
>> BRAND: Really worried.
Because, well, I mean, I-I was
chatting before.
Like, glibness-- that's one of
them-- superficial charm...
>> JON: Grandiose sense of
self-worth.
>> BRAND: I'm great, aren't I?
(melodramatic laughter)
I'm like Bluebeard-- mmm!
There's not even a drink there--
that's weird.
Yeah, what else?
>> JON: Promiscuous ***
behavior.
(Brand groans)
I know. Uh, impulsivity.
>> BRAND: ***! I mean, mmm.
>> JON: Need for stimulation,
proneness to boredom.
>> BRAND: Oh, ..., man.
>> JON: You're-you're really
..., aren't you?
But I haven't gotten to the...
>> BRAND: That means I'm a
psycho, an actual psycho.
>> JON: Many short-term marital
relationships.
>> BRAND: Oh, I did one of
those.
>> JON: Not yet, not yet--
only just one so far.
>> BRAND: Just one short
marriage.
Hold on, what about, um... what
about, though, that I'm nice
and kind, too?
>> JON: Well, this is the thing,
right?
'Cause obviously those are all
the, um... those are the hor
d'oeuvres on the way to the...
to the biggie, which is lack of
empathy.
>> BRAND: Right. So if you lack
empathy, you're the psycho.
So if you weren't thinking, "How
mean of Jon Ronson to say those
things to our brilliant leader
Russell."
>> JON: I'm only asking the
questions.
No, I'm... I don't think you're
a psychopath.
I think... Unless you're very,
very good at faking empathy.
>> BRAND: Yeah, no, I've got
loads of empathy.
Like earlier I was really
worried about some poor ***.
Look at that.
>> JON: How now?
>> BRAND: Earlier, before the
show started, we were talking to
the audience.
A lady said, "I've got a gift
for you."
I responded using my
non-psychopathic empathy with a
face that rendered the look of
compassion.
She then produces this ghoulish
trinket.
Look at that.
>> JON: That's ... horrible.
>> BRAND: It's distressing,
isn't it, Jon?
>> JON: Yeah, that is
distressing.
>> BRAND: That is a claw of
death.
>> JON: It's a crow... it's a
crow's foot, right?
>> BRAND: It is precisely what
it is; it is a crow's foot
on a...
The crow's still alive, hobbling
around, wondering where it is,
worried sick.
>> JON: Yeah.
>> BRAND: Mmm.
>> JON: God!
>> BRAND: Yeah, so that's, like,
so, you know, when we're
talking about Psychopath Test,
there's... that-that
person I-I think perhaps,
like, ooh, that's unfortunate.
Look, the necklace is becoming
snared on its sort of crow
thumb.
The back one, it's a little crow
thumb there.
So, we-we can do a psychopath
test on her.
I-I'll do a proper interview on
you now if you'd like, like a
professional.
You are an award-winning
journalist and a documentary
filmmaker.
>> JON: Mm-hmm.
>> BRAND: I loved this book
actually.
I-I liked the bit where
the-there's a psycho... psych
ward in Canada and they give,
like, acid to the patients.
>> JON: Oh, yes, it's amazing.
This is a guy who was called
Elliott Barker, and his idea was
to do, uh, nude psycho... nude
psychotherapy LSD sessions on
psychopaths.
So he got, like, 20 psychopaths,
got them all to take all their
clothes off and then strapped
them to each other and gave
them, like, massive amounts of
LSD for, like, days and days and
days on end until... And then
finally they were all going
like... They all said to each
other, "I'm beginning to love
you" and they were, like,
declared cured and released.
And then, many years later...
'Cause his idea was that, you
know, the problem with
psychopathy is that it's buried
beneath the veneer of normality.
>> BRAND: Huh.
>> JON: But if-if you could sort
of get it to the surface with
the naked, you know, LSD
sessions, uh, then...
>> BRAND: I get it.
>> JON: ...you could get a sense
of... So they all... So they
were all declared cured and
released, and then many years
later, they did, like, a kind of
long-term recidivism study, like
how many of them had
re-offended.
>> BRAND: I know what
"recidivism" means.
>> JON: Right.
So, um, in normal circumstances,
60% of, uh, high-scoring
psychopaths go on to re-offend.
The ones who'd been through the
naked LSD sessions-- 80%.
>> BRAND: Aw, it makes it worse.
>> JON: It made them worse.
>> BRAND: Who would think taking
people's clothes off and giving
'em acid would make 'em
more offensive?
Okay, we're gonna have a, uh,
commercial break now, Jon.
Stay with us for some more
things.
Yeah, it's America-- we got to
sell product.
Okay, uh, we'll see you after
this.
Do some clapping to get us into
the break.
More Jon! More Jon!
(audience applauding, whistling)
>> BRAND: Jon Ronson.
During the break, we carried on
chatting, got on quite well.
Yeah, you were asking about
these, Jon.
We-We've got these, uh, like,
because... Actually, you're...
I like one of the things you
said about psychopaths is they
drone... Like, you think they're
gonna be enchanting, but they
just drone on and don't listen.
>> JON: Oh, yeah, unless they're
kind of trying to charm you,
they're terrible interviewees,
cause in... an interview is an
empathetic situation, right?
>> BRAND: Mm... mm...
>> JON: You get... what... a
clue... I mean, I'm not like a
sort of power-crazed psychopath
spotter, but a clue is always,
like, if you're interviewing
someone and they don't shut up
and they don't listen to your
questions.
>> BRAND: We've got David Icke
coming on next, right?
Now, I love David Icke.
I think he's got some good
theories.
Go on.
>> JON: Yeah, no, this is... I
first knew David Icke about ten
years ago when he was, uh,
postulating his theory that the
secret rulers of the world are
giant, blood-drinking,
child-sacrificing, ***
lizards who've adopted human
form.
>> BRAND: I'm into it.
>> JON: Right, well, the thing
that really made me laugh about
it was that there was, uh, all
these anti-racists on my side of
the fence who were convinced
that when he said
blood-drinking, ***
lizards that he was using code
and what he actually meant was
Jews, and...
>> BRAND: It's a weird code,
isn't it?
>> JON: Well, no, he said,
"No, honestly, I mean lizards."
>> BRAND: Bloody 12-foot
blood-drinking lizards or do you
mean Jews?
Yes.
I don't understand your analogy!
>> JON: But the thing is in The
Psychopath Test, you've got all
these really eminent, you know,
Harvard psychologists...
>> BRAND: He does mean lizards,
just to clarify.
>> JON: Right, yeah.
Uh, all these eminent
psychologists from, you know,
Harvard and these really kind of
lauded people who all say that
the secret rulers of the world
are basically people who aren't
quite like us.
They're not quite human.
They've got something missing,
but they've adopted human form
and they're psychopaths.
And so it's the same theory.
Yet, David Icke was laughed out
of Britain, and these are the
people that are sort of lauded.
I think they got some interest
about David's theory, right?
>> BRAND: Yeah. It's interesting
'cause it's, uh... yeah, it's
semantics.
While some people think like
that, David Icke...
Like, it's acceptable as
metaphor that lizards govern the
world in our own lizard minds,
our ancient, unevolved limbic
systems.
The part of the mind that's the
same that's in a reptile mind
governs our lower nature.
But again, David will go,
"I don't mean metaphor.
I mean lizards."
>> JON: No, you're talking to a
lizard.
That's where it falls down a
bit.
>> BRAND: Like, but I mean, I
like David Icke a lot, and I'm
into his theories, so, this...
>> JON: I admire...
>> BRAND: Anyway, if he talks
too long, my point was...
>> JON: Then you're gonna
electrocute him?
>> BRAND: We're gonna give him
a small electric shock.
>> JON: Right.
>> BRAND: Like, not hurt him or
anything, 'cause I love him, but
just to let him know we're
serious. Like...
'Cause, like, sometimes it's
hard to interrupt someone, isn't
it?
>> JON: Yeah. No.
>> BRAND: So you just think, if
you've just got... Can I give
you an electric shock?
>> JON: No ...
>> BRAND: It's not hard.
It's not bad.
>> JON: I didn't even want to
come to the show-- all right.
>> BRAND: You didn't even want
to come on the show, now you're
getting electrocuted.
>> JON: Now I'm being
electrocuted.
>> BRAND: You've consented to
this... oh, ***...
>> JON: Nothing worked?
>> BRAND: Oh, now I've put it on
a different thing.
All right, all done.
It's quite complex, this.
Hey, where's the lady that
understands the electric shock
machine?
(beeping)
Lady that understands the
electric shock machine?
(laughter)
(whistling)
>> Got to hold thumbs, maybe,
and you see the same person.
That might...
>> JON: Hold thumbs.
>> BRAND: She's so gorgeous.
Why won't she notice me?
(laughter)
My Lois Lane, she is.
Apparently, we've got to hold
hands, and then, it'll work,
Jon, so...
(both yell)
(applause)
(both laughing)
Yeah, that works.
(applause)
We went through something
together there, Jon!
Now let's work out what people
don't pass the Jon Ronson
psychopath test.
Jon, are these people
psychopaths or not?
Let's have a look.
Him-- new pope.
(laughter)
Is new pope a psychopath?
>> JON: Is it not too early to
know?
Although, David'll say
definitely.
>> BRAND: He'd be the same as
the other.
Wasn't he old?
(laughter)
>> JON: Of course, I'm not good
at judging people from the
first, whether or not they're
psychopaths.
>> BRAND: Yeah, but don't you
have an idea?
>> JON: Well, I would... well, I
have very little data
about-about, oh, about...
Francis.
>> BRAND: Is the pope any...?
He's the same as every..
He's all religious.
>> JON: Well, I would say that
you know, the statistics,
according to Robert Hare, is
that one in 100 regular people
is a psychopath, so...
>> BRAND: Oh, so, how many
people in this room? 500.
>> JON: 500 people.
Five are here.
>> BRAND: Right, five, yup.
You know who you are.
(laughter)
"Well, it isn't me."
(laughing)
(high-pitched): "Oh, did your
mum die?"
(laughter)
Mm.
All right, too early to tell.
>> JON: Yeah.
>> BRAND: Next psycho, please.
Berlusconi. Probably.
>> JON: Yes. Well, I've got my
own personal views about, but my
problem is that...
You don't want to be like a kind
of power-crazed psychopaths
person.
And the reason was, 'cause it
turns you a bit psychopathic,
the way, you know...
>> BRAND: 'Cause you think:
"I can spot psychos..."
>> JON: Yeah, exactly.
You want to kind of shove people
into a boxed marked psychopath,
and judge them only by their
maddest edges.
You know, just stitch together
their maddest edges and judge
them by that.
Like, it's obvious I have my
opinions.
>> BRAND: Psycho quilt.
>> JON: Yeah.
(laughter)
>> BRAND: Like Buffalo Bill made
out of women's skin in Silence
of the Lambs?
>> JON: I did once interview a
famous CEO from the '90s--
an asset stripper who would,
like, shut down factories on
behalf of failing businesses.
>> BRAND: Asset stripper.
♪ Da, da-da, da...
You've lost your job... ♪
(laughter)
♪ Da, da, da...
Thank you, Thatcher... ♪
(laughter)
And Reagan.
>> JON: Uh, and, um, yeah,
I went through the psychopath
check list with him.
>> BRAND: Mm.
>> JON: And I said, like,
"Grandiose sense of self-worth."
And we both looked up, 'cause he
was standing underneath a giant
oil painting of himself.
And he said, "Well, you've got
to believe in you!"
And, uh, so he went through the
psychopath check list, basically
turning it all into, like, you
know, "Who moved my cheese?"
So, a lot of people in positions
of power actually, you know,
think of psych...
>> BRAND: Are a bit...
>> JON: Well, yeah, and they
think of psychopathic traits as,
you know, leadership positives.
>> BRAND: We're gonna do a quick
fire round, 'cause we got break
in a second.
>> JON: All right.
>> BRAND: Next psycho.
Oh, come on.
He's all right.
What a great guy. Maybe?
>> JON: Well...
>> BRAND: He looks a bit weird
there-- I'm all right, aren't I?
I'm too empathetic.
Next psycho.
(laughter)
>> JON: No. But you know what?
Um... what's his name?
Who's that... who's that...?
Who's that horrible...?
Glenn Beck.
>> BRAND: Barack Obama.
>> JON: No. Glenn Beck used my
book to diagnose Obama as a
psychopath.
>> BRAND: He used your book to
diagnose Obama as a psychopath?
>> JON: Yeah, which just goes to
show...
>> BRAND: Jon, we've got to do a
commercial break.
>> JON: Right.
>> BRAND: 'Cause there's the
product.
>> JON: But that just goes to
show-- you bring your own...
>> BRAND: We are gonna have to
have a commercial break.
I'm sorry, Jon.
This is going to hurt me more
than it hurts you.
>> JON: No, I'm not gonna ...
>> BRAND: See you after these
messages.
Oh, we're locked into the time,
'cause we have to send it over.
(applause, cheering & whistling)
>> BRAND: All right.
Jon, leave, go, because, uh,
we've got another guest, David
Icke.
>> JON: Huh?
(laughter)
>> BRAND: And, uh, will you come
back later, 'cause in the end
part of the show, we help people
in the audience to solve one of
their problems?
>> JON: Yeah, all right.
>> BRAND: I'm sorry I gave you
that electric shock.
>> JON: Nah, that's all right.
>> BRAND: David Icke was
watching the show in his
dressing room, and he's so
deeply not into having an
electric shock that he nearly
went home angry.
So now, I'm going to have to
placate David Icke and make him
happy.
Jon, you'll come back later,
yeah?
>> JON: Yeah, I will.
>> BRAND: Give us a quick
cuddle, and then, we'll see you
later.
Jon Ronson, everyone.
(applause, cheering & whistling)
>> JON: See you later...
>> BRAND: Ah, you're so English.
See you.
Right. Probably what I'm gonna
do then, I suppose, is I'll give
meself a...
I don't want to upset David
Icke, 'cause you know, I like
him, and what if he's right
about everything, and I end up
getting zapped into a new
dimension where I'm not famous
again?
I can't deal with that a second
time.
(laughter)
But, so, um, all right, so,
let's carry on our program now
that we're doing.
This is one.
Uh, it's a guest happening now.
We had him last week, we've got
him this week.
I believe he's one of the most
innovative thinkers of our time,
a very great man, an unusual
man, a man with many, many
perspectives, a man that used to
play in goal for Coventry.
Please welcome David Icke.
He's coming out here.
(applause, cheering & whistling)
>> DAVID: Oh!
Hello.
Hello, mate.
>> BRAND: Hi, David.
>> DAVID: All right, yeah.
I'm good.
>> BRAND: Make yourself
comfortable.
>> DAVID: Thank you.
>> BRAND: Not... not up for the
old electric shocks then, Dave?
>> DAVID: What? After what I've
just bloody seen?
Are you having a laugh?
>> BRAND: It did hurt.
It was really bad.
It was really bad.
Now, David...
>> DAVID: Yes.
>> BRAND: ...you know that I
really respect you and
everything, but I've got to do
more lizard-based questions.
Do you mind?
>> DAVID: I don't give a ***.
(laughter)
>> BRAND: Well, here we go.
'Cause I go see Noel Gallagher.
"What shall I ask this time?"
He goes, "No one gives ... about
banking.
No one gives ... about radio
waves.
Who are the lizards?
Where are they?"
(laughter)
That's his...
That's Noel Gallagher's
question.
>> DAVID: Oh, sorry.
You're asking me a question.
Oh, sorry.
>> BRAND: Yeah. I got two little
ideas.
>> DAVID: Where are they?
>> BRAND: When you're talking
too long, I'm gonna electrocute
myself...
>> DAVID: That's... Now, now,
yeah, okay, well, that...
>> BRAND: ...so that you don't
get hurt, because I respect you.
>> DAVID: Well, that's an...
>> BRAND: That just shows how
compassionate I am as a man.
>> DAVID: You're not a
psychopath then?
>> BRAND: Evidently not.
>> DAVID: Right.
>> BRAND: I mean, I'm weird,
clearly...
>> DAVID: But you're giving me
the incentive to not stop
talking, aren't you, really?
>> BRAND: Oh, God!
Oh, that's the worst one.
It must have been on a nerve.
(laughter)
That was actually quite bad.
I don't think I can do that.
Right...
Oh, you're just gonna have to
cooperate.
(laughter)
Please. That freaked me out.
I shouldn't have done that.
That was weird, like when you
see people sort of punch
themselves in the face for
amusement.
(laughter)
Sort of feel bad for 'em.
>> DAVID: What's that?
>> BRAND: That's the bloody
button.
You could have done it off
again.
I'll just put that on my
*** for safekeeping.
(laughter)
David, put that in your back
pocket.
>> DAVID: ***.
>> BRAND: Um, okay.
Right, so, can we do this thing?
Like, I know you...
Like, I understand the lizard
thing.
It's interdimensional beings
that play with our consciousness
that live on another frequency.
So that's what you mean, isn't
it?
>> DAVID: Absolutely.
>> BRAND: Let's see if these
people are lizards or not.
>> DAVID: Okay.
>> BRAND: Middleton.
Lizard-- is she?
>> DAVID: Well, these bloodlines
come from the ancient world, and
this is the origin of royalty
and aristocracy.
This is why they say they're
different.
This is why they interbreed with
each other.
So, um, good chance.
>> BRAND: Very good chance that
she is a lizard, and therefore,
next person, please.
(audience groaning)
That baby she's growing--
probably a little lizard.
>> DAVID: I haven't got a clue.
>> BRAND: Don't be sentimental.
Just 'cause a baby.
That's gonna grow up to be a
12-foot lizard.
(laughter)
It looks all right there.
But like, by this, you mean, an
inter...
Their consciousness is being
occupied by interdimensional
lizard beings?
>> DAVID: Uh, yeah, and they
have a particular bloodline.
It's a hybrid bloodline.
And that's where royalty and
aristocracy comes from.
You see, the ancient, um,
Chinese emperors used to claim
the right to be emperor because
they were descended genetically
from what they called the
serpent gods, and it's a trait
and a theme that's found all
over the world when you do the
research.
>> BRAND: Yeah.
>> DAVID: And this is why they
say they have the divine right
to rule.
Yeah, put it on.
I'll keep talking.
(laughter)
This is why they say they have
the divine right to rule,
because they say they're
different genetically.
>> BRAND: I agree with you that
the, uh, the icon of the serpent
occurs in Christian mythology in
the Garden of Eden.
The dragon is very prominent in
Chinese philosophy.
In yoga, in Hinduism, there is
the kundalini snake.
The serpent, I think, is
representative of man's lower
nature, 'cause it's a mouth and
an ***, so it's just like a
little simple being.
It's the lower aspect of us.
But you think...
Like, you believe that there
actually are, like, moving among
us now on another frequency,
lizard beings, and they're
governing us and dominating us.
>> DAVID: Yeah, through these...
through these particular
bloodlines, um, which...
>> BRAND: Have we got proper
proof?
(laughter)
>> DAVID: Well, you know, I've
got a...
My books are, like, 350,000,
400,000 words, um, so...
>> BRAND: Yeah, but you wrote
them, mate.
It's not like...
(laughter)
>> DAVID: So, they don't...
>> BRAND: I want a proper
photograph of the queen going...
(laughter)
>> DAVID: So they don't...
>> BRAND: Now, generally, I'm
not negating you 'cause I'm on
your side.
I think that we've been totally
kiboshed and cocked off by the
government.
They're doing a thwartover.
>> DAVID: I'll tell you one
thing.
I'll tell you one thing.
You know, when people laugh and
stuff...
>> BRAND: Books for sale!
(laughter)
>> DAVID: Every...
>> BRAND: Books for sale!
(laughter)
I'm on your side.
Books for sale!
>> DAVID: Thank you.
Every single one of you has got,
in the back of the brain, what
science calls the R-complex,
or the reptilian brain.
It comes from the reptilian
genetics that are part of human
genetics, and it's from this
area that we get, often, traits
like... lack of empathy.
And this is the reptilian
genetic trait, 'cause when I say
genetics, I'm just talking about
an information field, a...
>> BRAND: An electro-mag field.
>> DAVID: Yeah, exactly.
And it takes a reptilian form.
So when Jon's talking here
about... psychopaths and stuff
like that, and as he's
pointed out...
>> BRAND: Jon, we've got...
I mean, David, we have a
commercial!
>> DAVID: All right, okay.
>> BRAND: The commercial-- can't
argue with it.
This is a commercial.
Human race, get off your knees.
>> DAVID: Yeah, do you not think
it's about time?
(applause, cheering, whistling)
>> BRAND: Yeah, get off 'em!
(applause)
(applause, cheering)
>> BRAND: Hello. Welcome back.
All right, David.
This is, uh... now it's time for
an item what I call "Getting
to Know Crew, Getting to Know
All About Crew."
Uh, who are you?
>> MAN: I'm Sam Keogh.
>> BRAND: All right, Sam, are
you nice?
>> SAM: I'm... nice enough.
>> BRAND: Uh, Sam, are you gay?
>> SAM: No.
>> BRAND: That was "Getting to
Know Crew, Getting to Know All
About Crew."
That's Sam Keough-- we know him
a bit better now.
We must... the man, the mystery
of Sam Keough.
He is nice, he's not gay--
we know that now, for a fact.
>> DAVID: Hello.
>> BRAND: All right, David, now,
one of my favorite bits in this
book-- now, as you know, I'm
right into your theories, but
one of the bits that I thought,
"Oh, this cannot have happened,
it can't have, it's too mental--
is this bit, when you talk to
one of those mind slaves...
that's broke out.
>> DAVID: All right. Uh-huh.
>> BRAND: Now, these mind slaves
are people have had their
consciousness overwhelmed by,
sort of programming, to a
degree, we all have-- we're all
consumers, we all passively
accept our roles in the world,
a bit like the film The Matrix,
you know?
And I... but this is an extreme
example, where someone's a sex
slave.
Now, this is... I like this bit.
(clears throat)
About Hillary Clinton.
>> DAVID: All right.
>> BRAND: "There..."-- in the
White House-- I think it's in
the White House.
Remember, I'm not saying this
with incredulity-- as far as I'm
concerned, this happens.
Mad stuff does happen.
"There's Mrs. Clinton"-- another
*** user.
"She performed oral sex on
Cathy"-- that's the mind slave
lady-- and then oral sex was
done on Hillary Clinton.
"President Clinton and his First
Lady knew Cathy was a
mind-controlled slave, and they
know what is going on.
So does Al Gore."
Who seems quite nice.
"They keep it quiet..."
>> DAVID: He's got the right
name-- Gore.
>> BRAND: Gore. What do you
mean? Why?
>> DAVID: Well... these people
are into Satanism, they're into
drinking blood.
>> BRAND: Honestly!
>> DAVID: I mean, if you think
that's extreme, bloody hell...
>> BRAND: I do a bit, mate.
Hillary Clinton doing lines,
noshing off a bird.
(laughter)
>> DAVID: But, you see, what it
is, is that we see a certain way
of life and what goes on in the
world, and actually what's going
on behind the scenes is over the
frickin' horizon, right?
>> BRAND: Uh-huh.
>> DAVID: And Cathy O'Brien--
that's quoting from her book,
Transformation of America-- and
my goodness me, when you read
that, I mean, all the pedophiles
and the Satanists and all that
stuff, and the-the torture stuff
that goes on in the
background...
>> BRAND: You think it's very
common and prevalent in powerful
circles, do you?
>> DAVID: Absolutely.
And again, you know, when you're
talking about, you know, Jon
and psychopaths, you have to be
psychopathic, you have to have
no empathy whatsoever or you
couldn't do this stuff.
>> BRAND: I like it when you get
intense like that.
>> DAVID: Thank you.
>> BRAND: Like where you go,
"You have to be...!"
It's exciting.
>> DAVID: I mean, how can you
not be a psychopath if you
pepper-bomb cities of civilians
and say we're gonna protect you
from violence?
>> BRAND: I suppose with
abstract thinking and sort of
military imperatives, if you
think, like, you know, they say,
don't they, that idealism is
dangerous, because if you think
in the pursuit and protection of
an ideal any action is
justified...
I mean, like, you know, look at
the... do you think that
throughout history there's been
these lizards, like Stalin,
Hitler as aliases?
>> DAVID: Oh, yeah, absolutely,
it goes back a hell of a
long time.
I mean, these bloodlines, you
can pick them up thousands and
thousands of years ago, and
they've come through to become
the aristocracy and royal
families of Europe, and then
they went into the dark-suit
professions.
They went into banking and
business and all the rest of it.
>> BRAND: Don't like them lots,
so I am behind this bit.
>> DAVID: So when you're talking
about bankers, I mean, you know,
I would call banking evil,
except evil would probably sue
me for defamation of character.
That's what we're dealing with.
Now, you can only throw people
out of their homes, you can only
put people and kids on the
street for not paying you back
money that's never existed,
called credit, if you have no
empathy, if you are a
psychopath, and that's the
traits of these bloodlines.
>> BRAND: No, but I-I agree with
you, I'm down with it, but,
like, uh, like, some things you
just don't think about it.
I mean, I've done some pretty
bad things-- I never threw
anyone out on the street or
anything like that-- but
sometimes I'll do a very selfish
thing just because of, you
know, the human nature and the
selfishness inherent.
Now, what about, um, like, you
know, Dawkins, he'd just go:
"It's the selfish gene, it's,
like, ours, and we're compelled
to be selfish.
What about, uh, like, what I
like, when you wander around
London-- which is where we are,
we're on tour-- like, you do see
a lot of emblems of lizards and
serpents and dragons-- is that
to do with all of this?
>> DAVID: Yeah, a lot of it is.
I mean, you look at the city of
London, the financial district,
which is one of the epicenters
of this global network that's
manipulating human society, and
the very emblem is these flying
lizards all over the place.
They love symbolism.
Symbolism is a language that
they use, which they understand
and the public don't.
>> BRAND: What do they say it's
for?
Like, that big dragon thing
that's on Aldwych.
There's a big dragon thing, it
looks a bit nuts-- you know, and
I only noticed after I started
reading David's stuff-- like,
what do they say?
Oh, no, we like that dragon.
It's there for, say, our
football team.
Have they got some angle on it?
>> DAVID: They just say, you
know, it's a symbol and it means
nothing.
But they have a whole language
of symbolism, so on the dollar
bill...
>> BRAND: Uh-huh.
>> DAVID: ...you'll see the
pyramid with the capstone raised
with an eye on it-- it's called
the pyramid and all-seeing eye.
Thousands of years ago in South
America they found-- sorry,
uh... uh, thousands of years
ago there was, uh, artifacts
created which were exactly like
that, that were found at a
gold mine, uh, in Ecuador,
another find in Colombia,
exactly the same symbol, with an
eye, the whole thing, thousands
of years ago-- and they put it
on the dollar bill.
>> BRAND: That's interesting.
I wonder why they would do that.
But I suppose, you know, but
then sort of civilizations have
always borrowed imagery and
iconography from each other,
like sort of Greek culture, you
know, that got ransacked by
Roman culture, and we do sort of
borrow, don't we, symbolism?
But you think that's indicative
of a subtle, invisible force--
and in this case it's these...
these lizards?
>> DAVID: Yeah. When you
understand the symbolism and-and
the language of symbolism, you
find it everywhere, in every
country, the secret societies
use it.
You see it... you see it in
religion; religion uses the same
thing, because religion is part
of this whole control system,
because it's putting people in a
pea-sized sense of possibility
by saying all you need to
understand yourself and the
world is this fricking book,
whatever its name is, between
two covers-- ludicrous.
>> BRAND: Bible. Break now for
questions-- you've got
questions, have you?
Right, we've got commercials
coming up now, 'cause we've got
to sell you some things.
Either we have or the lizards
have-- someone's gonna sell you
some stuff.
I'm gonna be giving David
a series of electric shocks
up and down his body.
>> DAVID: Oh, ***!
>> BRAND: Come on, Dave, have
a little shock!
>> DAVID: ***!
>> BRAND: See if we can solve
your problems, after the break.
(applause, whistling)
(applause, whistling)
>> BRAND: Hey. Hello.
Here we are, making a television
show-- all part of life, really.
Now, this is the part of the
show-- Jon Ronson, you're back
here; David Icke, you're still
here-- where we help people that
are in the audience in an item
that is called "You Talk Now."
"You Talk Now."
It's called that.
I'll help these people.
Now, we have somebody who was
talking to me before who's got a
problem.
Now, I'll go down there and...
point some charisma out.
Who is it?
You there, isn't it?
Aw, God, I need another banana.
Now, this lady-- hey, do some
applause to cover this awkward
moment.
(applause, whooping)
Right. Pass me along!
Pass me along like in Crocodile
Dundee!
(laughter)
Pass me along like Crocodile
Dundee!
>> WOMAN 1: Hello.
>> BRAND: Hello, love.
Now, you had one problem;
now you're got another one.
(laughter)
You've got a leering psychopath
right near your cleav...
You look a bit lizardy.
Dave, you...
Get right up on it.
Have a look down that camera.
Look at her eyes.
Lizard.
>> WOMAN 1: Really?
(laughter)
What's your problem?
>> WOMAN 1: My flatmate has
really loud sex, and her room's
next to the kitchen, so we can
all hear it all the time.
>> BRAND: What, you're all in
the kitchen, except your
flatmate, and presumably one
other person.
>> WOMAN 1: Yeah. Her boyfriend.
>> BRAND: Uh-huh?
>> WOMAN 1: Yeah.
>> BRAND: They're having sex in
there?
>> WOMAN 1: Yes, they are.
And we can all hear it.
And she's not a screamer; she's
more of a really loud moaner.
>> BRAND: Right.
That's a problem!
No one should put up with that.
Let's get on the stage and get
Icke and Ronson on it.
Give us a round of applause for
the awkward moaning.
Okay, right, look,
we're trying to solve this
woman's frankly... not that bad
problem. Now...
>> WOMAN 1: It's pretty annoying
when you're eating and...
>> BRAND: So what, you're eating
a meal and there's big sex
noises, and she moans, you say?
>> WOMAN 1: She does.
>> WOMAN 2: Russell! Russell!
>> BRAND: Yes?
>> WOMAN 2: I just think I
should say...
>> BRAND: Uh-oh. This is
definitely gonna be nuts.
I'll tell you now.
>> WOMAN 1: That's her.
>> WOMAN 2: I may be... I may be
the flatmate, that's all I'm
saying.
>> BRAND: She is the loud-sex
flatmate... all right.
(audience chatter, whistling,
whooping)
It's quite annoying hearing her
talk.
(laughter)
I see your problem.
We've got to solve it.
>> WOMAN 1: Sure.
>> BRAND: Who's in there when
she's doing the sex act?
>> WOMAN 1: It's her boyfriend,
George.
(Woman 2 speaks indistinctly)
>> BRAND: Quiet. Stop miking
her, mate-- she's a nuisance.
She can make enough racket,
that's the problem.
You there, boom operator-- no.
Um, what about... have you got
George's phone number?
>> WOMAN 1: No.
>> BRAND: Stupid cow.
>> WOMAN 1: Sorry.
>> BRAND: Let's deal with
George-- sorry, no offense--
let's deal with, uh...
All right, you there, loud
flatmate, come up here as well.
Round of applause for
loud-sex flatmate.
(applause, whistling)
Two minutes! ***! ***!
We've got to solve her problem.
Have you got your phone?
>> WOMAN 2: Oh. You should've
said.
>> BRAND: Yeah, I suppose so.
Yeah, I'm partly to blame for
bad administration.
(laughter)
It's not my strong point, that,
the old technical organizing.
Look at her riffling through--
I hope it's her bag.
(laughter)
Is it turned on?
I mean, I know I am.
All this talk of sex ruining
omelets.
Get anyone randy.
Hello, mate.
>> WOMAN 2: Hello, hello.
>> BRAND: Loud, then?
Is it moaning?
>> WOMAN 2: Well, do you know, I
don't really notice at the time.
>> BRAND: Give us your phone.
Stop being nuts.
Is that the fella you're having
sex with?
There you are.
Have a look at that mate.
Look at him.
(laughter)
He looks like he's under the
cosh there, poor fella.
George, you say?
>> WOMAN 2: Yeah.
>> BRAND: Georgie Bullock.
Is that his real name?
>> WOMAN 2: No, no.
>> BRAND: Why does he not come
up first?
How come Georgie Bullock comes
up first?
Who's this Georgie Bullock...
>> WOMAN 2: There we go, there
we go-- George Hasbury.
>> BRAND: I'm so hor... hungry.
That's a sidebar.
>> GEORGE (over phone): Hello?
>> BRAND: George...
George-- what's your name, mate?
>> WOMAN 2: Karina:
>> BRAND: I'm here with
Karina... and, uh, and I'm here
also with... Cecile.
(laughter)
The pair of them are sick to
death of the racket you're
conjuring up at your nether
regions when one of them's
trying to eat a boiled egg and
the other one is concentrating
on trying to fake an ***.
(laughter, applause)
>> GEORGE: Seems like an
accurate description.
>> BRAND: What's that, mate?
>> GEORGE: Seems like an
accurate description.
(laughter)
>> BRAND: What are we gonna do,
George?
We've got to find a solution to
this.
Would you mind, just ever so
gently, clamping your palm over
Karina's mouth... during the act
of sex, and perhaps...
consistently?
That was sexist. I apologize.
>> GEORGE: Been tried and...
been tried and tested.
Can't shut her up.
>> BRAND: How come you've...
how long have you been going out
with each other?
>> GEORGE: Don't know.
(laughter, whistling)
>> KARINA: It... it's just, you
know, couple of months.
>> BRAND: Couple of months, all
right, fair enough, that's
forgivable.
Well, I imagine this problem
will solve itself in the next
few weeks.
(laughter)
So not required.
George, take it easy, mate.
Okay, I think the solution to
that problem, as with many
others, is simply the passage of
time.
Now, whether you are Jon Ronson
identifying psychopaths
brilliantly in his wonderful
book, or David Icke bringing
about revolutionary ideas for
his wonderful, maniacal, magical
mind, then the solution is just
let a bit of time pass, all this
stuff will resolve itself.
We're gonna be back in the
United States next week, and
let's begin that journey now by
marching like lunatics into the
London streets.
Jon and David, thank you very
much for being on the show.
You two perverts come with me.
We're going out now into the
London streets to end the show.
Let's film that as an ending.
Thank you very much for this
brief time here in England.
I enjoyed it.
We're gonna lead the audience
now into freedom.
Let's see them in their natural
environment, which is, of
course, London.
Come on, let's traipse out
there.
Mm, that's gonna be a struggle
for me-- I can't carry that
wheelchair, so I feel a bit
guilty about that.
All right, mate, come out to the
street.
I know you don't know...
Thank you very much for, uh,
watching Brand X during the time
that we were over here in
England.
I hope you got a sense of the
history, the Dickensian
literature, the love of
language, the mayhem of it all,
the phantoms that lurk around
every corner.
I hope most of all, though, you
enjoyed our bizarre and peculiar
countrymen, Eddie Izzard, Noel
Gallagher, David Icke, Jon
Ronson.
And now I suppose I'm just gonna
make a break for freedom-- it's
really actually really cold here
and mental.
See you all soon.
See you in a matter of weeks
when I'll be back in England.
>> MAN: Hey!
>> BRAND: Look at that
paparazzi-- they're everywhere.
There's no escape.
See you there.
(whistling)
>> WOMAN: Russell! Russell.
>> MAN: Russell, how you been?
You all right?
>> BRAND: Yeah, fine.
(indistinct talking)
>> BRAND: That's the end of the
show now, surely.
Well done!
(people whooping)
Well, that was just...
Good-bye-! Good-bye!
A pleasure to be filmed in a sea
of insanity.
A sea of quite chilly people.
(laughter)
(indistinct chatter)
Yeah, I'm hungry.