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(SINGING) The Simpsons
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
D'oh!
(SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING)
(ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA
PLAYING)
Wow!
The Wild Dingleberries?
It's a movie version of a cartoon
family you can see for free on TV.
But they stretched out the
plot and added a wildebeest
from the hood!
I am so there!
Sorry, pally.
The
Dingleberries are sold out.
But looking at you, I'm sure your
kids are used to disappointment.
How about Diet Coke: The Movie?
Sold out.
President Air Bud:
Tail to the Chief?
Sorry.
My Big Fat Greek Salad?
Not a movie.
The only movies starting
now are The Re-Deadening
and Teenage Sex Wager.
Ooh! Well, I am curious to see if
those teens lose their virginity.
And the wager only
sweetens the deal.
Mr.
Simpson, that movie is condemned
by our church's movie guide.
(HOMER READING)
Refresh my memory.
These
dweebs are with us, why?
Because Mr.
Flanders
volunteered to
take the senior citizens
out for ice cream.
Mmm Ow!
This ice cream's too cold!
Ow! I cut myself on the cone!
(CHUCKLING)
Now, now,
remember why we're here.
To celebrate Jasper's birthday.
(SIGHING)
Birthday?
(SIREN BLARING)
(SENIORS GASPING)
Yo, yo, yo! Give it up for M.
C.
Birthday!
(SINGING) I say a birth,
a day, a birth-a-de-day
Now my good time gang
will blow you away
(ALL SCREAMING)
Never leave the day room.
Never leave the day room.
Never leave the day room.
Okay, kids.
Forget the movie.
We'll just go to the furniture
store and sit down.
Two for
The Re-Deadening, please.
Huh?
The Re-Deadening?
Is that any good?
Good? I'm in it.
I had
a small speaking role.
Yeah.
I went to visit him
and was banned from the set.
Mr.
Leonard, how do
you get in a movie?
Ha! Classic Hollywood story.
The director saw my photo
in a medical book.
Hey, Lenny.
Ls your film
appropriate for kids?
Oh, yeah.
There are
lots of kids in it.
They fall victim
to a vicious
(INTERRUPTING)
Don't ruin it for me!
One adult and four children
for The Re-Deadening.
CHILD'S VOICE: La, la,
la, la, la, la, la
What's that, Baby Button-Eyes?
You want me to kill Mummy?
(GASPS)
But Mummy is ever so kind.
What?
Your buttons came from the
trousers of a psychotic killer?
Then I have no choice.
(WIND BLOWING)
(SCREAMS)
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Hey, I paid for this popcorn,
and I'm eating it.
Mr.
Simpson, I'm scared.
(LAUGHING)
Relax, stupid.
Everything you
see is make-believe.
Although it is
based on a true story.
Some of which happened
in this very theater.
Oh, oh! Here comes my part!
Baby Button-Eyes! What are you
doing possessed at this hour?
I'd better tell
the governess
(GROWLS)
Oh! God! The prophecy
has been fulfilled!
(SCREAMING)
The buttons look like
they're sewn to my eyes.
But they're really
held on with hot wax.
Dad, I don't like this movie.
Can we go home?
Oh, honey, don't be scared.
Look,
they killed the evil doll.
(MAN SCREAMING ON SCREEN)
(WHIMPERING)
Well, what do you know?
It's unkillable.
(WHIMPERS)
Honey, can Daddy rest
his soda on your head?
Mmm-hmm.
That's my girl.
You took little children
to The Re-Deadening?
Homer, this is a rare lapse
in judgment for you.
But scaring kids
is good for them.
It hardens them
against future terrors,
like roofing
and driveway scams.
CHILD'S VOICE:
La, la, la, la
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Oh, sorry.
I forgot I bought
the soundtrack album.
Honey, I know you're scared.
But there's no boogie woogies
or wooly bullies out there.
Oh.
Your nightlight's
burned out.
And the only bulbs we have
left are these red ones.
It was only a movie
filmed in Vancouver
with Donald Sutherland
as the priest
who stopped believing
(LOUD BANGING)
Ah!
(MALE VOICE GROWLING)
Both of us heard mysterious noises
coming from this very spot.
Bart and I will explore the attic
until we find their source.
(LOUD CREAKING)
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Must be the pipes.
What do you think, Bart?
I think you're
on your own, ***!
(GASPING FEARFULLY)
Okay.
I'll just stay calm and
approach this scientifically.
(LOUD BANGING)
Oh, God! Oh, God!
(CRYING) Oh, no!
If I don't make it out alive,
I love you, Mom and Dad.
Maggie, you can have my books.
And Bart, I'll see you in
hell, you booger-eating wuss!
That's right! We all know!
(CRUNCHING)
Ah! Bones!
Copyright Pink
Pony Productions.
Visit us on the web
at lisathemovie.
com.
Ah!
(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)
Homie, that Kojak
is sexier than Cannon
and Barnaby Jones put together.
I think he looks
a little like you.
(CHUCKLING) Who loves ya, baby?
How about
a little interrogation?
Okay.
You have
the right to remain sexy.
Anything you touch
can and will be
held against you
in a court of sex.
If you cannot
afford a sex-torney
(MOANING)
Mom, Dad, there's a ghost
in the house!
Good.
Can you play with him
for half an hour?
Oh!
I don't see any ghosts.
I did find this
Newsweek from 1986.
Why America
loves Saddam Hussein.
(EERIE WHISTLING)
That's it!
It's one thing for a ghost
to terrorize my children!
But quite another for him
to play my theremin!
(WHISTLING CONTINUES)
Hello, Simpsons.
Artie Ziff!
None other!
I've been hiding in your attic
living off the moisture
I can suck from the rafters!
I thought we killed him!
No, we didn't.
But I did delete him from
my bulk e-mail list.
No, you didn't.
That's right.
Twice a week, I get your e-mail
of the monkey peeing
in his own mouth.
Oh, yeah.
(CHUCKLING)
That monkey got America
through some tough times.
Artie Ziff! Why are
you living in our attic?
Let me explain.
I was an internet billionaire.
Say no more.
I would stop,
but I love my voice.
ARTIE: It was the go-go '90s.
And I was partying with Newt
Gingrich, Janeane Garofalo
and Scottie Pippen.
Everyone loved my corporation.
And then, the bubble burst.
Wait! Don't go!
My stock will have
a slight rebound in 2003.
I had nothing.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
They even took my repo vans.
I had nowhere to go.
So I came here because
Marge is the closest thing
I've ever had to true love.
We had one date!
And you were not a gentleman!
(GRUMBLES)
ARTIE: Oh.
Don't worry.
If you let me stay,
I'll be on my best behavior.
Not even a fresh remark,
except this one.
Wowie, wow, wow, wow! Zazooga!
Well, I don't know, Artie.
Forgive me.
I'm just so envious
of the happiness you all have.
Can I please be part of it?
Just till I get
back on my feet?
No way! He's an annoying sneak
who's out to steal my wife!
Come on, Dad.
With his
brains and your musky smell,
I've got a full
male role model.
And it would be nice to have
someone here I can beat up.
Ow! No fair! I'm telling.
(LAUGHING)
Okay, kids.
You can keep him.
Yay!
(GROANING)
"When she pressed her
lips to his forehead"
"and walked out
with Denise and Gary"
"into the warm spring night,"
"she felt that nothing could
kill her hope now.
"
Nothing!
Ah.
Thanks for
reading me The Corrections.
It makes me feel better
about my own family.
Doesn't your
father ever read to you?
He tried once.
But he got confused and
thought the book was real.
He's still looking for
that chocolate factory.
It consumes him.
Hey, Mom, can I
sleep over at Milhouse's?
I thought you were
playing catch with Artie.
Yeah.
But after the ice cream
man cut up his credit card,
he got a little depressed.
Oh, my!
Well, Homer, maybe you should
take him to Moe's.
Come on, little fella.
You're hanging with me tonight.
Guys, I'd like you
to meet Artie Ziff.
Hello, handsome!
Hello!
Losers.
KENT: Coming up.
Can yodeling cure cancer?
Of course not.
But first,
where is Artie Ziff?
(GASPS)
The SEC wants to know.
It seems Ziff Corp.
spent
stockholders' money on everything
from marble toothbrushes
to solid gold underpants.
Small investors
have been wiped out.
I lost all me
"screw you" money.
I'm very sorry to
hear that, Willie.
Screw you!
Authorities are
currently operating
under the theory
that Ziff is living
in a cave somewhere.
He's not in here, Chief.
That's some good
spelunking, Lou.
Mighty fine spelunking.
Okay, read 'em and weep.
I don't know why I'm losing.
Maybe I have
some kind of "tell.
"
Hot mamma,
I'm living in flushtown!
Population Artie!
Uh, I guess I'm in
for 50 cents.
I fold.
Me, too.
I'm out.
I'm done.
I'll see your
Whoa!
Well, I'm out of cash.
But would you accept 98%
of the outstanding shares
of Ziff Corp.
Stock?
And the peanuts in your mouth.
Very well.
(HACKING COUGH)
All of them.
(HACKING COUGH)
Flush.
What have you got?
Four Jacks.
(LAUGHING)
Check it out.
I own a
multinational corporation.
(LAUGHING)
I always knew
someday I'd be a C.
O.
D.
(GLASS SHATTERING)
Freeze! Securities and
Exchange Commission!
Artie Ziff, you're wanted for stock
manipulation and securities fraud.
It's *** like you that
undermine investor confidence.
Investor confidence?
Perhaps this affects me?
I own 230 million
shares of Ziff Corp.
Stock.
You're
the majority shareholder?
I sure am.
With all the
inherent legal liabilities.
(GUNS COCKING)
Hey, what are you
You're under arrest.
Wait a minute.
How can you arrest Homer?
This guy's the one what done the
thing that why you're here for.
I'm talking malfeasance here.
All right.
I admit it.
I did run Ziff Corp.
Into the ground.
And this man took me into his
home when no one else would.
And now as the result of his
brilliant card playing,
he's the one you want!
(GASPING)
Tape his mouth so
he can't deny it!
Don't tell my kids
I'm going to jail!
Tell them I joined
the Blue Man Group!
I'm the fat one!
WOMAN: Homer Simpson,
how do you respond
to the charge that
your company has
betrayed the public trust?
(WHISPERING INAUDIBLY)
Plead the Fifth Amend What?
(WHISPERING INAUDIBLY)
Refuse to answer on the
grounds that I What?
(WHISPERING INAUDIBLY)
inseminate myself?
(QUIETLY) Dudes, I think
this guy's coming on to me.
You, sir, are a moron!
A Mormon? But I'm from earth!
Oh, for heaven sakes!
Your majesty,
can I go home now?
Your company's crimes have left
a scar on this great nation.
And she was so beautiful.
But what man
would want her now?
MAN: I wouldn't want her
KRUSTY: Yeah, she was hot.
My husband's going to jail,
and it's all your fault!
Do you know why
no one likes you?
Anti-Semitism?
No!
Your problem is you never think
of anyone besides yourself.
Marge, I think about a
lot more than just moi.
(SINGING)
Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie
Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie
(SCATTING)
Oh, my God.
She's right.
I never want you
in this house again!
If he's out,
can I move back in?
What do you think?
And she's the nice one.
Okay, kids.
This book should help you
deal with your feelings.
Look, Maggie.
It's a pop-up.
"Daddy's made a shiv.
"
"Can you help him ice Johnny
Shakes, the jailhouse stoolie?"
Uh, ew.
Hey, let me read it to her.
"Johnny's friends get some payback
on Daddy while he's sleeping.
"
Daddy's on fire.
Daddy's not on fire.
Daddy's on fire
MARGE: Daddy's not on fire!
(CRYING)
Okay, fine.
He is.
(COOING)
I miss you guys so much.
The smell of
Marge's pork chops.
The way you kids kiss
my owies when I go boom.
(SOBBING) This place has
become like a prison to me!
Hey, Dad.
Maybe this
will cheer you up.
Why you little
(IMITATES CHOKING)
Aw.
It's no use, son.
By the time I get out of
here, you'll be grown.
(SINGING)
Turn around, turn around
Turn around
and you're a young man
(VOICE BREAKING)
And you're too big to choke
(SOBBING)
Well, well,
look who showed his face.
The louse who
sold out his only friend.
You've got a lot
of nerve coming here.
But since you did, what'll it be?
First one's on the house.
Is this dump open? We were jogging
and ran out of cigarettes.
Pardon me for intruding.
But I believe teenage
girls shouldn't smoke.
(LAUGHING)
(COUGHING VIOLENTLY)
Are you still
living with Marge?
No.
She kicked me out for sending
her husband to prison.
You put Homer in jail?
(SHUDDERS)
The hair is standing up
on the back of my knees.
Keep your Odor-Eaters
on, Selma.
I've seen you get
hurt too many times.
I'm not gonna let him into
my heart or my bedroom.
Just 10 minutes on the beanbag.
Come on, Short Round.
We're going back
to my temple of doom.
Be gentle!
You know,
they say that the love of a
good woman can save any man.
Except you, freak!
Well, if you change your
mind, you know where I am.
In my nightmares!
I'm gonna stop now.
(ARTIE GRUNTING SOFTLY)
SELMA: What the hell
are you doing?
I can't get my socks off.
Ah, leave 'em on.
I like a
man with a little mystery.
I'm done.
My kinda man.
ARTIE: Oh!
Wonderful,
glorious, magnificent.
And you were pretty good, too.
(LAUGHING)
Oh! (INHALES DEEPLY)
Selma, you've made
a new man of me.
Thanks to your angry love,
I can no longer
sit by selfishly while
another suffers
for my book cooking.
What are you gonna do?
First,
I'm gonna read the paper,
have a little nosh.
And then,
I'm gonna rinse out
a few things.
And then, finally,
I will get an innocent
man out of jail.
Well, he can't break my heart,
'cause he kind of makes me sick.
This could work.
Artie Ziff shocked
investigators today
by turning over
a second set of books
detailing his own
financial culpability
and exonerating stumbling,
bumbling *** Homer Simpson.
Simpson's grateful family
had this to say.
I'm so happy to be getting
my husband back.
And I'm happy to listen to FM
Bart! Chill out, Mom.
They gave me this hat.
Mmm
Sorry you were wrongfully
imprisoned, Simpson.
Can I apply my time
toward a future crime?
You can either steal a car
or kick me in the crotch.
(GRUNTS) No one
ever chooses the car.
Oh, Dad!
Mmm.
I missed you so much!
Oh, my God!
Maggie, you're talking!
Homer, I believe that's Lisa.
Oh, Bart,
what a man you've become.
Artie, thank you for
doing the right thing,
eventually.
All I needed was
the love of a good woman.
And since you're
not interested
I'm not!
Merely checking.
Because I'm into that.
I'll visit you in two weeks.
I have to admit,
I'll miss having him around.
(LAUGHING)
I don't think we've seen
the last of Artie Ziff.
Yo, hobbit.
I'm like your roommate.
Oh, a smoker, eh?
Well, I have ways
of dealing with you.
Squirt, squirt, squirt.
Your lungs will thank me.
Kids, you better take your
last look at Uncle Artie.
Oh, look!
There's a whole bunch of you!
Squirt, squirt, squirt!
That's it.
Circle around me.
Squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt,
squirt, squirt, squirt.
Oh, I'm gonna need more water.